12 Steps to Happiness

Part 1


 

Brian, looking up from where he was fucking Rage, spotted Justin standing there watching him, and even though he could see the pain in those blue eyes, just knew what he was doing was the right thing. Sending Mel and Lindsey to find Justin and tell him that Brian was looking for him, knowing what Justin would find was the only way. Justin wasn’t happy anymore, but Brian knew that unless he gave him another one of his shoves, Justin would never make the decision to leave. Brian couldn’t have him stay out of some sense of obligation. Justin needed to go where he would be happy, and that was with Ethan. All he wanted was for Justin to be happy. He would have preferred him to stay but he had to be happy, if it weren’t going to be him, so be it. When Justin turned and walked out of the backroom, Brian pushed the trick away, having second thoughts, and went to find Justin. He found Justin on the dance floor; kissing Ethan and he knew he was too late. His Sunshine was gone. He stood by and watched the only person he ever loved walk out with someone else and decided right then and there to never let anyone else into his heart. It only caused pain in the end. Brian grabbed the first guy he saw and spent the night trying to dance the pain away.

When Justin was finally outside, he stopped to take a deep breath. Everything happened so fast and he needed time to get his thoughts together. The pain he was experiencing was from more than finding Brian in the backroom. It came from the realization that he would never be enough for the man. After all this time, he felt that he wasn’t any closer to capturing Brian’s heart as he was on their first night together. He knew it was time to move on. His thoughts were interrupted by Ethan’s words.

“Justin, I am so glad you finally realized that Brian wasn’t what you needed. I’m sorry about freaking out on you earlier. It’s just that I love you so much and I want to be with you. I promise to help you through this. Now we can begin a new life together.” Ethan said, his excitement obvious.

Justin felt bad for leading Ethan on, but he knew that there was never going to be anything between them. He liked Ethan a lot, but he wasn’t Brian and could never fill the older man’s shoes.

“Ethan, I’m sorry if I gave you the wrong impression, but I didn’t choose you over Brian. I just chose to leave him. I can’t be with you, either. I love him so much and it wouldn’t be fair to jump into a relationship with you when I’m in love with another man. Please understand. If we met under different circumstances, things might have worked out for us but I can’t be with you when I love someone else. I hope that we can be friends one day, but for now, this is the way it has to be. You are a wonderful person, and I’m sure the perfect guy for you is right around the corner. Take care of yourself.” Justin said before running down the street with Ethan’s voice echoing in the distance.

When Justin got far enough away, he stopped running and pulled out his cell phone. He needed help and there was only one person he could count on. He was happy when he heard his friend answer on the third ring.

“Daphne, please don’t let on to anybody that it’s me. I need you.” Justin pleaded, knowing that his friend would be there for him. Sure enough, he saw her walking towards him minutes later with a concerned look on her face. Justin ran to her and threw himself in her arms, the tears he’d been holding pouring down his face.

“Justin, are you okay? What’s the matter? Where is Ethan?” Daphne asked, wondering why her friend was standing outside by himself, when he should have been with the man he chose.

“Oh Daph, I never had any intention of staying with Ethan. I just knew that I couldn’t stay with Brian. I can’t do it anymore. I love him so much and I would do anything for him, but I can’t stay there as a convenient fuck while he continues tricking with everything that moves. I need more than he will ever give me. I stayed all this time, hoping that things would change, praying that one day I would be enough for him. Tonight I realized that’s not going to happen. I need to go now, while I can still walk away.” Justin cried. Feeling the loss to the depths of his soul, he wondered if he would ever recover from the pain.

“Justin, are you sure this is what you want? You know how Brian is. If you walk away now, there is no turning back. Are you sure you are ready to give up the man you love?” Daphne asked, hating to see the look of utter despair in her friend’s eyes.

“I have no choice Daph. If there was anyway that I could change things, I would, but I need to do this. I have to accept the fact that Brian doesn’t love me and he never will. I need to get away from here and start fresh, away from all the pain and memories of our time together.” Justin continued sobbing softly, allowing his friend to lead him further away from his true love.

“It’s okay Justin. I’m right here and I will help you anyway I can.” Daphne replied, as she led Justin to her car. She loved him dearly and would do anything to help him put his life back together.


One year later…


Daphne couldn’t believe that it had been one year since the Rage party. So many things had changed since that night. Justin had called her right after he had left because he needed her, so she took off to go help her friend, surprised to find out that he had dumped Ethan that night. He claimed that he was still in love with Brian and couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. He then told her that he wanted to move in with her since she was going to school in Pittsburgh, but was getting ready to transfer out of state. Thinking a change of scenery was just what she needed to get out of the rut she was in and she had some family that lived in New Jersey, she felt the transfer would do her good. Apparently, Justin thought that was what he needed too, so they packed their stuff and headed to good old NJ.

Things seemed to be good for awhile. Justin decided to take some time off from school to get himself together and got a job waiting tables at a restaurant across town where the tips were far better then the pay. Daphne went to school in the daytime and worked at night doing security for a nursing home. The pay wasn’t the best, but it gave her a lot of time to study.

Every morning, Daphne would go to school while Justin stayed home to work on his art. Even though he wasn’t going to school at the moment, he had every intention on continuing his education in the future. When Daphne came home, they would have an early dinner telling each other about their day before heading off to work. At night, by the time they got home, it was late. They would usually watch a movie, have a few beers and then head off to bed, getting up in the morning to start again. Noticing that Justin was starting to increase the number of beers he drank, she sighed, but didn’t think anything of it at the time.

She started to notice a real change about two months after they moved. Justin started coming home later and later at night. It was obvious that he had been drinking before he came home, but he still managed to have a few beers before he went to bed. In time, she noticed he had switched from beer to beam and she really started to worry. Daphne decided to confront him about it and waited until they were settled in front of the TV.

“Justin, I’m starting to worry about you. I noticed you switched from beer to beam, do you think that’s a good idea. You are only nineteen years old. Shouldn’t you stick with the easy stuff for awhile?” She asked, feeling uncomfortable talking to him about it.

“Daphne, it’s not a big deal. I’m just having a hard time getting over Brian. Everywhere I look, I think I see him. Last night, I picked up the phone three times to call him. Luckily I always came to my senses before I finished dialing. I thought I would have put him behind me by now, but I still love him so much. There hasn’t been a day since we left where he hasn’t been on my mind. Having a few shots of beam just seems to make things easier for me. I’m sure that it will get easier soon, but until then, I just need to do something to keep from losing it. I’m fine, don’t worry about me. I can handle it.” Justin assured her hoping she would drop the subject. He didn’t want to tell her the whole truth, that he felt like he was sinking into an abyss with no way out. He knew that leaving Brian wasn’t going to be easy, but he never realized how hard it would be. His days were spent with thoughts of Brian wondering where he was or what he was doing, but the nights were the worst. He would lay in bed and cry, overwhelmed by the feelings of loneliness and emptiness that he was experiencing. If he knew that it was going to be this hard to move on, he never would have left, but Daphne was right when she told him on the night he left that there would be no turning back. He made his decision and now he had to live with it. And he was with a little help from Jim Beam, but he wondered if this was really living or drowning.

Daphne didn’t want to push the issue with Justin that night. She could see such pain in his eyes when he mentioned Brian that she didn’t want to pour salt in his wounds. She told herself that Justin could handle it and vowed to keep an eye on him.

Things just seemed to go downhill from there. He became forgetful, always trying to remember where he put things, or when he was scheduled to work. At first Daphne just tried to help him out when she could, but she figured he was an adult and he didn’t need someone watching over him at all times. As things got worse, she couldn’t close her eyes to what was happening. The last few months had been the worst and that was what made Daphne realize she had to do something to save her best friend from self destruction. It wasn’t going to be easy, but she knew what needed to be done, and no matter the consequences she would do it for his own good.

With her decision made, she woke up early ready to take the first step in bringing Justin back to her. She headed downstairs and was not surprised to find Justin in his usual spot, passed out on the couch with an empty bottle lying next to him. Waking him up, she wanted to try to talk to him one more time before she made the call that she knew she needed to make.

“Justin, get up. We need to talk.” She said, as she nudged his leg hoping to get through to him.

“Go away, Daphne. I’m tired.” He replied, his voice still slurred from the amount of alcohol he had consumed the night before.

“Too bad, Justin. Now get your ass up before I call your mother and invite her to come for a visit,” Daphne threatened, knowing that would work. Justin had been distancing himself from anyone connected to Pittsburgh, including his mother.

“Alright alright! Just give me a minute.” Justin grumbled, getting up on unsteady feet and making his way to the bathroom. He hated when Daphne insisted they have these talks but she would always push him into it anyway, so he figured he might as well just agree to them in the first place.

Daphne saw Justin come out of the bathroom and head straight for the kitchen. She knew what he was looking for and fought back tears at how far gone her friend really was. She couldn’t help but blame herself for his downfall. It was obvious from the beginning that he was having trouble adjusting to life without Brian, but she had decided to let him work things out on his own. That was her first mistake and they multiplied from there. Always making excuses for his behavior, looking away instead of facing what was happening head on. Now things were so out of control, all Daphne could do was hope that her plan would work because she would never forgive herself if it didn’t. She looked up as Justin came back in the room, a bottle of beam in his hand.

“Okay, make it quick, Daph. I need to get a couple hours sleep before my shift starts.” Justin said, taking a swig straight from the bottle before sitting down to listen to his friend. Knowing what she was going to say because he had heard it all before, In fact, too many times before that he could recite what she was about to say. She could never know what it was like for me to walk away from the only man I will ever love. My heart was crushed on that night one year ago, and I was left with an empty shell. Can’t she see I don’t have a problem? I just need to go on with my life and this is the easiest way, the only way. Taking another sip, enjoying the feeling of the alcohol taking away the ache in his chest, Justin prepared himself for what was to come.

“Justin, you have a drinking problem. You spend all of your free time with a bottle in your hand. My God, it’s 8:30 in the morning and look at you! This is not right. Can’t you see that? Can’t you see that you’re slowing killing yourself? I am so scared for you. You need to get some help before it’s too late. Please!” Daphne cried, losing what little control she had over her emotions. When she looked into his eyes, she was shocked by what she saw. She saw emptiness. There was no life, no warmth, just two blue holes that seemed unfocused and lost. She knew that there was no way she was going to be able to get through to him. She needed help and there was only one person she could think of to help her.

“Okay, you’ve had your say. I’m going up to bed now. I’ll see you later,” Justin replied, ignoring the plea she had made to him. He knew she was just trying to help, but she was overreacting to the situation. Yeah, I like to drink, but it isn’t a problem. I choose to drink. I could stop anytime I wanted to and I will as soon as I can get through a day without the pain from leaving Brian behind. Only then would I stop. When I made my decision to leave, I never imagined that it would be so hard, but since the party I have felt like I was missing the other half of my soul. When I am drinking, the emptiness isn’t nearly as bad, so I am doing what I have to do to make it through each day. Once I am able to move on, I will stop drinking, but until then, I just wish Daphne would get off my back and leave me alone. Going upstairs and crawling into bed, I let my mind wander off to the days when Brian and I were happy, falling asleep with a smile.

When Daphne was sure that Justin was asleep, she reached for the phone, hoping she was doing the right thing. She had her doubts, but didn’t know what else to do. This was her only chance to get Justin the help he needs so desperately. He answered on the third ring.

“This had better be good!” Brian growled into the phone. It was 8:30 am on Sunday morning and after a long night at Babylon, Brian was not happy getting such an early phone call.

“Brian, it’s Daphne. I’m sorry to call you so early, but I just don’t know what else to do. It‘s Justin,” Daphne explained, suddenly nervous about having to tell Brian what has been going on. She felt responsible for letting this get so far and knew that Brian wouldn’t be happy.

“Daphne, Justin isn’t my concern anymore. He made that decision last year when he not only walked out of the party, but walked away from his family, too. If he has a problem, call Jennifer. I’m sure she would be more then happy to help.” Brian replied, feeling the usual longing that was always present when Justin was the topic of conversation. Long ago, he finally admitted to himself that he loved the boy, but Justin had made a decision to leave his life behind and start fresh somewhere else. It wasn’t Brian’s place to interfere.

“Brian, Jennifer can’t help him with this. I’m not even sure if you can. I just didn’t know where else to turn. I’m really worried about him. He’s been…” Daphne broke down before she could finish telling Brian what the problem was. Her emotions were shot by now and she was at the end of her rope. If Brian turned his back on them, she didn’t know what she would do.

Brian could hear the anguish in Daphne’s voice along with her tears and was overcome by fear. He knew then that no matter what, he would go out of his way to help, if there was anything he could do. “Daphne, just calm down and tell me what’s going on. I’ll see what I can do.” Brian said, anxious to hear what trouble his little blond got into now.

“Oh Brian, he’s been drinking.” Daphne whined, trying to get herself under control. She felt silly crying to this man, but once she started, it was as if a dam burst and she was unable to stop.

“He’s been drinking? Daphne, that doesn’t sound like a problem to me. Yeah, he’s underage, but a lot of boys his age drink. I’m sure that’s not a problem.” Brian replied, wondering if he was missing something. Drinking didn’t sound like a real problem, yet something had made Daphne call him after all this time, so there must be more to the story. Brian waited patiently for her to pull herself together so she could continue.

“I don’t mean that he drinks occasionally. I mean he’s drinking all the time. If he’s not working, he’s drinking. God, Brian, when I woke up this morning, I found him passed out on the couch with an empty bottle on the floor next to him. I woke him up to try to talk to him about it and he went to the kitchen and came back with another bottle. It’s 8:30 in the morning and he’s drinking Jim Beam from the bottle. It’s like he can’t handle being sober anymore. I don’t know what to do anymore. He won’t listen to me. He just tells me that everything will be alright, but it won’t. I don’t even know him anymore.” Daphne sobbed, letting the tears flow. It felt so good to finally share the burden with someone. She just hoped that Brian would be able to save Justin before it’s too late.

Brian listened to Daphne in shock, unable to believe what she was saying. If what she was saying was true, Justin was in trouble. Brian had grown up with a drinker and even Jack didn’t hit the bottle until the afternoon. If Justin was drinking from morning till night, he was obviously in over his head. Brian felt a heavy weight settle on his chest and knew what he needed to do.

“Look Daphne, I’m on my way. I just need some time to pack. Call the nearest hotel and get me a room. Tell them I’ll be there for a week or more. Then call me back and let me know where to go. Don’t worry, we’ll get this all worked out.” Brian said, before hanging up the phone and heading to the shower. “Hang on Sunshine, I’m on my way.”


End of part 1
7/13/03
 

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