Secret Love

Part 5

It took two weeks for Justin to work up the courage to talk to his mother. Brian tried assuring him that it would be okay, but he was still worried about the outcome. He went to the house one night when he knew Michael was working late and told her he needed to talk to her. She tried her usual jokes, but quickly realized that he was serious and began to worry.

“What’s wrong, baby?”

“Mom, I’m not sure how to tell you this. I don’t want you to be mad at me for not telling you sooner. It’s just that I wanted to wait until I was sure of things before…” Justin began nervously.

“Honey, just tell me what it is. You know you can tell me anything.”

“I’ve been seeing someone…um…someone I really care about. In fact, I love him,” Justin replied tentatively.

“Oh honey, that’s wonderful. How long has this been going on?” Debbie asked excitedly. She knew how special Justin was and always hoped that he would put aside the tricking for something more substantial.

“Um…since August,” Justin admitted sheepishly.

“Since August? I can’t believe you kept it a secret for that long. Who is he? Do I know him? Where’d you two meet?”

“Actually…it’s Brian.”

“Brian? Brian Kinney? You’re in love with Brian Kinney?” Debbie exclaimed as she jumped up from her place on the couch.

“We’re both really sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, but we weren’t sure how things were going to work out, you know? I mean, neither one of us ever imagined falling in love, but it just sort of happened. But that’s not all. There’s a complication. We were kind of hoping you could help us out.”

“A complication? You wouldn’t be referring to Michael by any chance, would you?” Debbie asked as she watched for her son’s reaction.

“Michael? You mean you know?”

“That he’s got a thing for you? Of course I know. I’m his mother, remember? A mother knows these things, although I must admit I missed the signs on you and Brian. I guess that’s because you’re not living at home anymore. But yeah, I noticed that Michael’s been…shall we say sweet on you…for awhile. I was hoping it was a phase he was going through. I know that technically you’re not related, but damn it, you grew up as brothers. It just doesn’t feel right. Now, has Michael said anything to you?” she asked as she sat back down. “He didn’t come out and tell you, did he?”

“No, he didn’t. I started noticing little things back before Brian came home. I wasn’t going to say anything to him about it. I just figured that once I moved on campus things would settle down. I thought that if we didn’t see each other so much, he’d get past it,” Justin told her sadly.

“But he didn’t, did he?”

“No, he didn’t. And it gets worse.” Justin told her about the conversation Brian had with Michael at Woody’s and then waited patiently for her advise. He knew she would offer it, and he didn’t have long to wait.

“My poor boy. He’s going to be so heartbroken when he finds out that the man he loves is in love with his best friend,” Debbie sighed. “But you have to tell him. It’s not going to be easy, but he has a right to know.”

“I was afraid you were going to say that,” Justin murmured.

“What choice do you have, honey? You either have to tell him or move across the country so you can be free to live without worry.”

“I wonder if Sam’s mom has any connections outside of Pittsburgh.”

“Justin, that’s not the answer.”

“I know,” Justin sighed. “Will you be there when we tell him? I know he’s going to be hurting and for once he can’t go to Brian and I to help him through it.”

“What did I ever do to deserve such a good son?” Debbie asked as she wiped the dampness from her eyes. “Of course I’ll be there. I’ll help him as much as I can. How about we get together for dinner on Sunday? We’ll have a nice meal and then you can tell him.”

“I…guess so.”

“Don’t worry about it, Justin. Broken hearts are a part of life. He’ll get past it and everything with be fine,” Debbie assured him.

“I hope you’re right.”

“I’m your mother. I’m always right, remember?” she teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“Thanks Mom,” Justin said as he reached out to hug her. “I’ve got to get going. I’m meeting Brian at my dorm in a half hour.”

“Alright. And baby, I love you and I’m really happy for you. You deserve to find love. You both do. Tell Brian that I love him, too. Don’t worry too much about Michael. I imagine he won’t take it too well at first, but he loves you and he’ll come around.”

Justin nodded his head and gave his mother a sad smile before heading out to meet up with Brian. Despite the fear of his confession, he was dying to be in Brian’s arms.

Michael had made up his mind by the time he punched out and left the Big Q. He knew what he had to do. He was going to go to the dorms and tell Justin how he felt. He’d been thinking about it ever since he talked to Brian a few weeks before. He realized that by not telling Justin about how he felt sooner, he left the field wide open for someone to move in and claim him. It was time he was honest and just admitted his feelings before things with Justin and the guy he was seeing became serious.

He silently rehearsed what he was going to say on the way to PIFA and by the time he got there, he’d memorized his speech. As he entered the front door of the dorms and walked into the common room, he spotted Justin’s roommate Darren and waved. He’d met Darren a couple of times when he showed up at the diner with Justin and was relieved when he found out that he was into women. At least he didn’t have to worry about his competition living in the same room with Justin. He smiled as Darren walked over to greet him.

“Hey, it’s Michael, right? I take it you’re looking for Justin?”

“Yeah, is he here?”

“He’s up in our room, but you might not want to go up there. He’s got lover boy up there with him,” Darren teased.

Michael’s heart sank when he heard Darren’s reply. He was still secretly hoping that he and Brian were wrong about the boyfriend. Well, it didn’t matter. He still planned on telling Justin the truth and seeing exactly how serious it was. A sudden thought hit him as he stood there contemplating what to do. “That’s okay. He’s…uh…expecting me. I’ll just go on up.”

“Oh, okay then. I’ll see you around.”

Michael breathed a sigh of relief as he walked up the stairs. He wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to say when he got to the room, but the need to see the guy who was trying to steal away what was his was just too strong. He was shaking like a leaf by the time he reached the small room. He was about to knock when he changed his mind and reached for the doorknob. He turned it softly and was a little surprised when the door opened. He could hear the moans and gasps coming from inside and swallowed the lump in his throat as he quietly opened the door wider and peaked inside. That was when his whole world fell apart. Justin was indeed inside with someone else. They were lost in mid-fuck and never heard the sound of the door being opened. Michael stood there frozen, unable to form a coherent thought as he watched his brother and his best friend moving as one, their bodies gleaming from sweat. He wanted to run, he wanted to get as far away as he could from the performance before him, but before he had a chance to make his escape, he heard something that turned his blood cold.

“God, I love you,” Brian grunted as he thrust inside of Justin harder, ready to bring them both to completion.

“I love you, too,” Justin called out as he went over the edge and into a mind-blowing orgasm, clenching Brian from within and bringing him over the edge with him.

Brian gave a final thrust and was about to collapse on top of Justin when he heard a gasp coming from the doorway. He jumped back quickly and turned around to see Michael standing there with a shocked expression on his face.

“Mikey.”

Justin heard Brian call out Michael’s name and looked over his shoulder to see his brother standing there, his eyes filled with pain. “God Michael…”

“Don’t…I’ve got…I’m sorry…” Michael stammered. Tears were streaming down his cheeks, but he didn’t feel them. He didn’t feel anything but the shattering of his heart.

Brian had jumped up and quickly grabbed his jeans, pulling them on as fast as he could. He reached his friend right before he managed to make his exit. “Mikey, it’s not what you think.”

“Don’t touch me!” Michael yelled, pulling his arm out of Brian’s hand. “How could you do this to me? You could have anyone you want. Why did you have to go after him?”

“Michael, please…come in so we can talk about this,” Justin said as he finished pulling on his sweats.

Michael batted away his tears and straightened his shoulders. “There’s nothing to talk about. I never want to speak to either of you again!”

Justin watched in horror as Michael backed out of the room and disappeared, leaving both he and Brian to wonder if they’d ever be able to fix things or if they both just lost someone who was special to them.

%%%%%

“Okay Mom, just do me a favor and call me when he gets there so we know he’s alright,” Justin said as he sat on his bed beside Brian, talking to his mother. He said goodbye and hung up before covering his face with his hands. “Shit, what have we done?”

“Jus, I know you’re upset right now. I am, too. But we didn’t do anything wrong. We fell in love, but that’s not a crime. If I never came back from California, would you have ended up with Michael?”

“No,” Justin sighed.

“Then don’t blame yourself for this. Mikey’s just upset right now, but we’ll talk to him and make him understand. He loves you. There’s no way he’s going to let something like this come between you two,” Brian assured him with as much conviction as he could find, but deep down inside he wondered if he believed what he was saying. He could still see the pain that was reflected in Michael’s eyes and shivered at the memory.

“Brian, maybe it would be best if you went home. I think I just want to be alone,” Justin said sadly. He needed time to think and having Brian so close usually caused him to lose focus.

“Justin,” Brian whispered. He wanted to object, but he could see the determined look in his boyfriend’s eyes and knew there was no point in arguing. “Alright, I’ll call you tomorrow.” He leaned over to give Justin a kiss and tried not to feel rejected when the blond pulled away.

Justin felt awful after Brian left. Not only did he hurt Michael, but he could see the pain in Brian’s eyes when he pushed him away. He just couldn’t help it. There was something he had to do and Brian would just stand in his way. He waited until he was sure Brian was gone before grabbing his sweatshirt and heading down to the common room. He found Darren sitting in front of the TV with a few of the guys.

“Darren, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Darren looked up from the movie and saw that something was wrong with Justin. He stood up without hesitation and joined his roommate in the corner.

“What’s up Blondie?”

“I need to borrow your car. Michael’s mad at me and I have to go talk to him,” Justin explained, leaving out the reason for his brother’s anger.

“Sure, no problem, but I thought Brian was with you. Why didn’t he drive you over there?” Darren asked curiously as he reached into his pocket for his keys.

“It’s a long story that I really don’t want to get into right now,” Justin replied as he grabbed the offered keys. “Thanks. I’ll make sure to fill the tank when I’m done.”

“Ahhh, don’t worry about it. It’s cool,” Darren assured him. “Good luck. I know how brothers can be.”

“Trust me; this is definitely not something you’d have to worry about. I’ll see you later.”

Justin spent the drive home trying to think of what he could possibly say to make things right with Michael. He’d obviously have to admit to knowing about Michael’s feelings for him. He’d also have to try and find a way to explain how much he cared for his brother, even though they weren’t the feelings Michael was hoping for. What a mess he’d gotten himself into. He never should've let things get so out of hand between him and Brian. He may never be able to return Michael's feelings, but forcing him to see his brother and best friend together was pushing things too far.

When he pulled up outside his family home, Justin sat in the car for a few minutes and gathered his thoughts before making his way inside. He heard movement coming from the kitchen and followed the sound to where his mother was making tea.

"Hey, did he come home?"

"Yeah, he got here about ten minutes ago. I don't think I've ever seen him that upset. He refused to tell me what was wrong and I didn't push it. I figured it would be better to wait for awhile and give him some time," Debbie explained sadly. She hated to see her son so upset. "Where's Brian? Is he here with you?"

"No, I came alone. He's my brother and it's my job to fix things," Justin replied softly, wondering if that was even possible.

"You're a good boy, Justin," Debbie assured him as she hugged him tight. "Just remember that you didn't do anything wrong here. You can't help who you fall in love with."

"Neither can Michael. I'm going up to talk to him."

Justin left the kitchen without waiting for a reply from his mother. If she knew what he was about to do, she'd try to stop him and he wasn't going to let anyone keep him from doing what he felt he had to do. He took the stairs two at a time and quickly found himself outside of Michael's room. He knocked lightly and waited until he heard a muffled reply before going inside.

"Ma, I really just need to be alone right now. Can we talk later?" Michael asked without bothering to remove the pillow that he had covering his face.

"It's me," Justin said softly.

Michael jumped up, the pillow falling onto the floor, at the sound of his brother's voice. "What the fuck are you doing here? I told you not to talk to me."

Justin sighed as he took in the tear-filled, bloodshot eyes glaring at him. "Mikey, I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I didn't even know how you felt for sure until Brian..."

"He told you?" Michael exclaimed harshly.

“Well, I suspected for awhile now. Brian just confirmed it,” Justin admitted sheepishly.

“Oh great. I'm sure you two had a good laugh over that,” Michael remarked bitterly.

“No...We didn't. Mikey, Brian and I both love you very much. We'd never do anything to intentionally hurt you. You've got to believe that. If you had come to me and been honest about your feelings right from the beginning, none of this would've happened.”

“Would it have made a difference?” Michael asked; hope suddenly appearing in his eyes. “Are you saying that you could love me, too?”

“Mikey,” Justin sighed, trying to find the best way to tell Michael how he felt. “I do love you. You’re my brother and my best friend. You’ve been there for me ever since the day Mom brought me home. I couldn’t love you more if I tried, but it’s not the love you’re looking for. I’m sorry. I wish that I could give you what you want, but I can’t.”

“I see,” Michael whispered sadly.

“But there is one thing that I can do for you,” Justin continued, fighting the emotions that were threatening to overtake him. “I don’t want to do anything to cause you more pain and if seeing Brian and I together is hard for you, I’ll stop seeing him.”

Michael looked up at Justin in surprise. “You will?”

“Yeah, I will. We’re family, and family is more important than anything, right?”

“Right,” Michael agreed with a small smile. He might not be able to have Justin the way he wanted, but at least he didn’t have to see him and Brian together. “You wanna stay here tonight? We could watch movies and hang out like we used to.”

“I can’t,” Justin replied. “I have to bring Darren’s car back. I‘ll give you a call soon, alright?”

“Okay,” Michael said. “Thank you Justin. You have no idea how much this means to me. I’m really glad Ma brought you home that day. You’re the best brother anyone could ask for.”

“You too, Mikey.”

Justin hugged his brother goodbye and quickly left the room, fighting the tears that were building behind his eyes. He tried to make it out of the house without being seen, but his mother was waiting in the living room for him.

“Is everything alright between you two?” she asked.

“Yeah, everything’s fine. I’ve gotta get back. I’ll talk to you in a few days,” Justin said as he reached the door.

“Justin…”

“Its okay, Mom. I promise.”

He walked out the door and made a beeline for the car as the tears finally started rolling down his face. He just agreed to give up the man he was hopelessly in love with. Yeah, everything was just fine.

%%%%%

Brian was pulled from his sleep by the sound of his phone ringing. He glanced at the clock and was surprised to see it was almost seven o’clock. He must have forgotten to set his alarm and now he’d have to rush around to get ready for work. He reached over and grabbed the phone, hoping it was Justin.

“Hello?”

“Hey Brian, did I wake you up? I thought you’d be getting ready for work.”

“Mikey,” Brian replied, happy to hear his friend’s voice. “I must’ve forgotten to set my alarm. How’re you doing? I was worried about you last night. I didn’t think I’d be talking to you for awhile.”

“I’m okay. I just wanted to see what you were doing later. The comic book convention starts tonight and I hate going alone. I feel like such a geek,” Michael told him.

“That’s because you are a geek,” Brian teased. “What time should I meet you?” He hated going to those things, but he was so relieved that Michael was talking to him that he was willing to waste a night surrounded by comic geeks.

“I’ll meet you outside the Days Inn Downtown at seven, okay?”

“Okay, I’ll see you then Mikey.”

“Bye Brian.”

As soon as Brian hung up the phone, he called Justin to see if he’d heard from Michael. Darren answered the phone.

“This better be good,” he mumbled sleepily into the phone.

“Hey Darren, sorry to wake you. I need to talk to Justin.”

“Brian?” Darren asked. “I…uh…don’t think that’s a good idea right now.”

“What? What do you mean it’s not a good idea? Is he there?” Brian asked in confusion.

“Yeah, but he’s sleeping. He had a rough night last night. He didn’t fall asleep until a couple of hours ago,” Darren explained. “I just think he needs his space for awhile.”

“His space? Why would he need space?” The more he heard from Darren, the more confused Brian became.

“Well…since you guys broke up and all…I just think he needs some time to get over it, you know? Look, he’s really upset right now and I don’t care if you can kick my ass, I’m not going to let you hurt him anymore.”

“Broke up?” Brian exclaimed. “Darren, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Justin and I didn’t break up. The last thing I said to him was that I’d call him this morning.”

“That’s not what I heard.”

“I don’t care what you heard. Put him on the God damned phone!” Brian demanded as he fought the wave of panic that washed over him. He had a sinking feeling in his gut that he knew what Justin was trying to do and he wasn’t going to let it happen. “Did you hear me? Put him on the phone!”

“Goodbye Brian.”

Brian sat the with the phone in his hand, replaying everything that happened last night after Michael walked out of the dorms. He knew Justin was upset with the way Michael had found out about them, but he didn’t think he’d actually push him away. He quickly dialed the Novotny’s and waited for someone to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey Deb, it’s me. Is Mikey there?”

“Sorry Brian, you just missed him. He had to be at the store early for inventory,” Debbie replied.

“Fuck!”

“Brian, what’s wrong?”

“That’s what I’d like to know,” Brian replied. “Did Justin talk to Mikey last night?”

“Yeah, as a matter of fact, he did. He showed up here soon after Michael got home. I don’t know what they said to each other, but whatever it was, it sure helped. Michael was in a real good mood this morning,” Debbie explained.

“I’ll bet he was,” Brian grumbled. “Thanks Deb, I gotta go.”

“Sweetie, is everything alright?”

“I don’t think so, Deb,” Brian said before hanging up the phone. He glanced at the clock and saw that he had a choice to make. He either had to get moving to make it to the office on time, or call in and use a sick day to give himself time to figure out what went wrong in the last 10 hours. It was an easy choice to make. After hanging up with the office, he jumped in the shower, fighting to keep his emotions in check, and planned out his day. He knew that Justin didn’t have any morning classes so he would likely find his favorite blond in his room. He threw on jeans and a t-shirt and grabbed the necessities before heading out of the loft. He drove carelessly over to the campus, needing to see Justin and work things out. He just hoped that Darren wasn’t there to try to stop him. Luck was on his side when he got to the room and found Justin alone and looking like hell.

“Do you want to tell me what the fuck is going on?” Brian asked angrily as he stormed into the room.

“Brian, I was going to call you,” Justin replied.

“Oh, you were going to call me, huh? And tell me what exactly? That we broke up? Because I always thought that was a decision that was made between both people.”

“Please don’t make this any harder than it already is. You know why we have to do this? Mikey can’t handle…”

“Fuck Mikey and what he can’t handle. What about us? What about what we mean to each other? You’re going to throw away the last year because Mikey’s got a crush on you and can’t handle us being together?” Brian ranted as he paced the small room.

“Come on, Brian. That’s not fair and you know it. Mikey means almost as much to you as he does to me. Do you really want to hurt him?”

“Of course not, but what about hurting each other? Is it right for both of us to be miserable just to make him happy? I thought we had something good between us. How can you just forget that?” Brian hated the desperation he heard in his voice, but he couldn’t just walk away without trying to fix things between them. “How come our feelings don’t matter?”

“Try to understand, Brian. He’s my brother and I just can’t hurt him like this. I’m so sorry, but we don’t have a choice,” Justin insisted as silent tears ran down his face. His heart was breaking as he saw the devastation in Brian’s eyes, but he didn’t know what else to do. Losing Michael wasn’t an option he was willing to consider. Besides, no one ever died of a broken heart, right? He sure as hell hoped not.

“Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly. Everything we have and everything you’ve said to me in the last year was complete and utter bullshit!” Brian exclaimed harshly. “And I was stupid enough to believe it. I was actually stupid enough to believe in love and look where it got me?”

“It wasn’t bullshit. None of it. God Brian, I love you so much it hurts inside. You’ve got to believe that,” Justin pleaded.

“Then why? “ Brian voice broke as he tried to speak. “Why are you doing this?”

“Because I have to,” Justin cried. “I have to make things right between Michael and I and this is the only way that I can do that. Please don’t hate me, Brian. I don’t think I could take it if you hated me.”

Brian wiped at his eyes before taking Justin in his arms. “How can you even say that? I could never hate you, Justin. I just…I’ve got to go. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Justin pulled back, stunned by Brian’s reply. “You’ll see me around? But I thought that we’d…”

“What? Pretend like the last year didn’t happen? Pick up with our friendship right where we left it when we became lovers? Did you really think it was going to work like that?” Brian asked bitterly. “Sorry to disappoint you, Justin, but you, Michael, and I can’t go back to being the three musketeers again. Too much has happened. I’ll always be here if you need me, but at least for awhile I think it’s best if we don’t contact one another. I’m glad that you were able to work things out with your brother, but don’t expect me to forget that he’s the reason I’m losing the best thing that ever happened to me.”

“Brian…”

“Take care of yourself,” Brian whispered, leaning in to give Justin a soft kiss before he walked out the door.

Justin watched him go as he felt a heaviness settle into his chest, and once he was alone he threw himself back down on his bed as the flood gates opened and he cried for all that he was giving up to make his brother happy.

As soon as Brian got back to the loft, he locked the door and grabbed a bottle of beam. Forgoing a glass, he took off the cap and brought the bottle to his lips, enjoying the burning sensation as the amber liquid trailed down his throat. He wasn’t sure what he should be doing. All he knew was that without Justin, there didn’t seem to be anything worth doing anymore. He continued to drink all through the day, barely noticing the setting sun as night approached. Around ten o’clock he heard the buzzer sound and knew it was probably Mikey, wondering why he never showed up at the convention, but he chose to ignore him. He had nothing to say to his childhood friend. Not after he single-handedly ruined his life. In one day, he not only lost his lover, but he lost his two best friends, too. How did anyone manage a loss like that?

End of Part 5
01/27/06

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