Fighting Regrets

Chapter 7

Blake hadn’t gotten a chance to talk to Justin about the trip until they were finally settled on the plane. He tried calling his friend the night before, but he was too busy going over things with Brian to talk about his sudden change of heart where the older man was concerned. Now that they were on the plane with nothing to distract them, Blake jumped right in with his concerns.

“Babe, look I know you want to do what’s best for Gus, but I still don’t think that letting him bond with Brian is the right thing. What’s going to happen when his three months are up and he goes back home? Poor Gus is going to be heartbroken.”

“Not necessarily. I asked Brian outright if he was just going to disappear. He said it was the original plan but after meeting Gus, he’s not so sure. Gus is a great kid. There’s no way Brian’s going to take off and never see him again,” Justin assured him.

“Okay, let’s say that you’re right. Maybe Brian will keep in contact with Gus, but what about you? How’re you going to handle saying goodbye to him all over again? Don’t you see Jus; I’m just trying to protect you. That bastard hurt you enough. I can’t stand by and let him do it again.”

“Blake, I’m not the same naïve twink I was when I met Brian. Things are different now. Yes, I think I still love him, but I’m not stupid enough to think that he loves me back. His only reason for staying in touch will be for his son and I’m alright with that. It’s what Lindsay would’ve wanted and I’m going to follow her wishes. She never gave up hoping that Brian would return home one day.” Justin hoped his voice sounded more confident than he felt. He had his doubts over watching Brian walk away, but refused to let Blake know about them. Even best friends had to have their share of secrets.

“But…”

“But nothing…new subject. Tell me again what we’re doing flying to New York?”

Blake sighed in frustration, but started telling Justin about their mission for the trip. He’d let the subject drop for the time being, but he had every intention of keeping an eye on Kinney. If he so much as caused Justin to shed a single tear, the man was going to regret the day he was born.

Bedtime finally rolled around and Brian was tucking his son in for the night when he noticed that Gus was looking a little flush.

“Sonny Boy, are you feeling okay?” He raised a hand to the boy’s forehead and was startled to find that it was rather warm.

“Not really, Brian. My throat is kinda sore and my ears hurt,” Gus replied softly, his voice a little raspy.

“Shi…I mean damn. Do you know where Daddy keeps the thermometer?”

“It’s in the mirror in the bathroom. I’m really tired. I think I’m gonna go to sleep.” Gus snuggled down under his blankets, oblivious to Brian’s impending panic.

“Gus, I need you to stay awake for a little while longer. I need to take your temperature. I’m going to go look for that thermometer and then I’ll be right back, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus whispered.

Brian quickly walked into the bathroom and opened the medicine cabinet, relieved to find the thermometer there in plain view. He went back to Gus, who had fallen asleep and gently shook him awake. “Come on Sonny Boy, I need you to put this under your tongue for me.”

Gus moaned slightly, but did what he was told since he promised his daddy that he’d be a good boy for Brian. It only took a moment for the beep to sound, signaling that the thermometer was ready. Brian pulled the object from Gus’ mouth and was horrified by the results. He quickly pushed down his panic so he wouldn’t scare the kid and pulled back the covers.

“Gus, I think we need to go see the doctor. You’re getting pretty sick.”

“But I don’t want to go to the doctors. I want to go to sleep,” Gus whined as Brian lifted him out of the bed.

“You can sleep in the car, little man. Now let’s go. We’ll call your Daddy on the way.”

Once Brian had Gus settled into the back seat he started driving towards the hospital. He reached for his cell, glad that Justin had programmed his number into the phone before he left. He hit the speed dial and waited patiently for Justin to answer.

“Hey, are you having second thoughts about spending a week with an eight year old already?” Justin answered when he saw Brian’s number come up on his caller ID.

“Justin, I don’t want you to panic,” Brian said calmly into the phone.

“What happened?” Justin asked immediately, his heart hammering in his chest.

“Gus and I are on our way to the hospital. He’s got a temperature of 103.9 and complaining of a sore throat and ears. I figured I better call you since I’m not his legal guardian. The hospital might give me a hard time about treating him without your permission,” Brian explained surprised by how reasonable he sounded when inside he was completely freaking out.

“Shit, okay listen to me. I rented a car at the airport when we landed. I just need a couple of minutes to grab my bag and let Blake know what’s going on, then I’ll be on the road and back home in about six hours. In the mean time, I’m going to call my mother. She’s got power of attorney over Gus when I’m not around so she’ll be able to approve any treatment he might need.” As Justin grabbed his bags and made his way to the door a sudden thought occurred to him. “How’re you holding up? Are you okay?”

“Who the fuck cares about me? Gus is the one that’s sick,” Brian replied angrily before realizing his mistake. “Shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to snap at you.”

“It’s okay, I understand. It’s scary when children get that sick. The first time I had to bring Gus to the ER in the middle of the night I was almost escorted off the premises by security for my…inability to control my outbursts,” Justin said, chuckling softly at the memory. “I still think I knew more than that doctor, though.”

Justin’s words had the desired effect when Brian felt himself smiling at the vision the story created. “I’m sure he’s got a diploma hanging on a wall somewhere that begs to differ.”

“A mere technicality. Seriously though, Brian; just relax. 103.9 is a little high, but not uncommon for someone Gus’ age. I’m at Blake’s door now so let me go. You hang in there and be careful driving with our son and I’ll call my mother and be there as soon as I can.”

Brian tried not to think about how nice it was to hear Justin use the words our son when all Brian did was jerk off in a cup eight years ago. “I will. You be careful, too. It’s late and I’m sure you’re tired as hell. I’ll call you as soon as I know something.”

“Okay, later.”

“Later,” Brian replied before disconnecting the call. He glanced into the back seat and smiled when he saw Gus sound asleep with his head thrown back. A weird sense of pride filled him, which was surprising since he had absolutely nothing to do with what a good kid Gus was. Bringing his attention back to the road, Brian drove the rest of the way to Alleghany General hoping that everything would be okay.

&&&&&

By the time Brian and Gus got out of the hospital and headed home, it was after midnight and both of them were exhausted. Gus had a case of double ear infections, and after they lowered his temperature the doctor prescribed an antibiotic and sent them on their way. The poor kid was sound asleep in the back of the car when Brian reached for the phone and called Justin.

“Hey, how is he?” Justin asked as soon as he answered his phone.

“He’s fine. A pretty bad ear infection in both ears, but his temperature is down to 99.7 and the doctor gave me a prescription for some antibiotic. He fell asleep as soon as I pulled out of the parking lot. It’s a good thing you called your mother, though. The fucking bitch at the desk was giving me a hard time about seeing him since I wasn’t his custodial parent.”

“Yeah, they can be like that. The first time I left him for business my mother had to take him in for stitches. He had fallen off the seesaw at the playground and had a pretty good gash on his arm. They gave her such a hard time that as soon as I got back I had papers drawn up giving her power incase I was unavailable. Luckily she hasn’t had to use it much, but it’s times like this when I’m glad I did it,” Justin told him.

“Yeah, me too. Otherwise you’d be bailing me out of jail when you got home because I would’ve been beating the shit out of everyone who refused to treat him,” Brian laughed.

“Somehow I don’t doubt that. I’m still a couple of hours away so why don’t you get Gus home and into bed, then try to get some sleep yourself and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in the morning,” Brian replied.

“Later,” Justin said softly before disconnecting the call and returning his focus to the road. He was anxious to get home to his son.

&&&&&

Justin walked into the house a couple hours later completely exhausted. He was glad to see that Brian had left a light on for him since he was too tired to navigate the room in the dark. He dropped his bag by the door, deciding to leave it until morning, and headed upstairs to check on his son. He was surprised to find Brian curled up in Gus’ bed with the boy sound asleep at his side. The sight brought a tear to his eye when he thought about all Brian had missed out on over the years. Silently he made his way over to the bed and placed a hand on Gus’ forehead, relieved to find him as cool as can be. Then without thinking, his hand moved over to Brian’s head, where he gently brushed away the few strands of hair that lingered there. Despite the years that had gone by, Brian was still just as beautiful as when they first met and that thought brought up a whole new wave of feelings that Justin wasn't ready to explore. He saw Brian's eyes flicker and quickly pulled his hand away before he could be caught.

"Hey, you made it home," Brian mumbled sleepily.

"Yeah, safe and sound. I didn't mean to disturb you. I just wanted to check on Gus and make sure he was alright. He's a pretty sound sleeper, so you're safe if you want to move to the guest room," Justin told him.

"Yeah, that might be a good idea. This bed isn't even big enough for one when you're used to a king size," Brian chuckled softly as he carefully began to climb out of bed.

Justin tried to ignore the way Brian's sweatpants and t-shirt clung to his body, but it was next to impossible as his mind replayed the events of the night they met. It was the one and only time they ever had sex, but Justin still remembered it like it was yesterday. Shaking away those thoughts, Justin walked out of the room with Brian on his heels.

"He called me Daddy Brian," Brian said softly once they were in the hallway.

"What?"

"Tonight after we got home. I was helping him into bed and he asked me to sleep with him. He called me Daddy Brian," Brian explained. "This is so fucked up."

Justin wasn't sure exactly what Brian had meant but knew he needed to find out. He began to wonder if the older man was getting read to bolt and wanted to be prepared. "What's fucked up?"

"Everything. Lindsay being gone. You raising Gus. Me, being here like I have some kind of rights when I was the one who chose to walk away all those years ago."

"Brian..."

"I've spent my whole life believing in no regrets and here I am regretting so many things," Brian's voice was choked with emotion.

"Lindsay might be gone, but Gus is still here and he obviously loves you." Justin assured him. "You can't change the past, but it's not too late to fix the future."

"What about you?" Brian asked.

"Me? Well, I'm not willing to just hand Gus over to you, but I'm more than willing to share him with you. Maybe we'll even fly out to San Diego for a visit," Justin replied with a smile.

"That's not what I meant," Brian said. "Is it too late to fix things with you?"

"Fix things with me? You mean our friendship? I'm sure we'll never be as close as we were since we live 3000 miles apart, but..."

Brian pulled Justin to him, covering his mouth in a heated kiss. He'd been thinking a lot about the past ever since seeing Justin again at the diner and began to realize how many mistakes he made eight years earlier. The biggest one was when he walked away from his unborn child, but the second one was being too scared to see Justin for what he was. Someone very important to him; someone he could possibly love.

Justin was totally caught off guard when Brian kissed him. His brain was trying to register what was happening while his body was going into overdrive with need and desire. He'd spent so many nights lying in bed imagining what a reunion between them would be like, but he never really believed that it would happen. Even the kiss they shared the other night hadn't prepared him for the current situation and Justin knew he needed to pull away before things went too far.

"Brian," Justin said breathlessly as he stepped back, putting some much needed space between them. "I don't think this is a good idea. You don't fuck your friends, remember?"

"We were never really friends," Brian whispered, reaching out to run a hand along Justin's cheek. "We were always more than that even though I was too stupid to admit it."

Justin stared at Brian for a moment, trying to understand what Brian was saying over the buzzing in his ears. "Are you saying..."

"When I first left Pittsburgh, I was convinced that love was for lesbians and straight people. It took awhile for me to realize that it might just be possible for us fags, too. I tried, really tried to find someone that I could be with for more than one night. Even Tony and I managed a relationship for about six months, but it just wasn't working. There was something missing and I couldn't quite put my finger on what it was...until now. You're what was missing. I was still comparing everyone to you and nobody could measure up. It wasn't until earlier tonight before Gus got sick that it finally sunk in. We had just finished eating dinner and Gus said that he wished you didn't have to go away. I realized that I wished the same thing. I wished that you were here with us, having dinner, watching a movie, just being together. I had a lot of time to think about it more while I was sitting in the hospital waiting for word on Gus. I wanted us to be there together...like a family." Brian waited for Justin to reply; to say something to fill up the uncomfortable silence that fell between them. When it appeared that he wasn't going to get a response, he decided to retreat to the guest room and give Justin some space. "It's late. We'd better get some sleep. Good night."

Justin stood there in shock, watching Brian walk away yet unable to stop him. It was all too much to take in. Could it be possible that after eight long years, his dreams were finally going to come true? Was Brian serious with the things he said or was it just a reaction to the excitement of the night? He almost chuckled at the thought. Brian Kinney never shared his feelings with anyone. There was no way a trip to the emergency room would cause him to say things that weren't true. But if that was the case, did that mean that Brian really wanted him? Wanted to be with him after all this time? He quickly decided that waiting until morning to talk to Brian was not an option. They wasted enough time already. Justin knocked lightly on the door to the guest room before walking in to find Brian lying in bed with his arms behind his head, staring at the ceiling. The lights were off, but the reflection of the moon cast a glow throughout the room allowing Justin to see Brian's face clearly.

"Okay, you can't drop a bombshell like that and then walk away," Justin said softly as walked over to the bed. "Did you mean what you said?"

"Do I ever say anything that I don't mean?" Brian drawled.

"So where do we go from here?"

"I guess that depends on what you want to happen. I've spoken to my boss and he's happy to have me head the Pittsburgh office. I realized on Friday night that I couldn't go back to California and leave my son behind. I've missed too much already. I have an appointment with a realtor on Friday. I just need to know if I'm looking to buy or rent," Brian said looking Justin in the eye.

"I think," Justin whispered, struggling to keep down the sob that was threatening to break free. "That you should cancel the appointment. You don't need a place to live. You're staying with your family."

Brian sighed in relief as he opened his arms and waited for Justin, who quickly stripped off his clothes and climbed into bed, melting in those arms. No more words were spoken between them while they lost themselves in the passion that they'd been denied for the last eight years. It wasn't until much later, after coming down from their orgasms and curling up together, that Justin finally spoken the words that he waited so long to share.

"I love you, Brian," he whispered in the darkness.

"I love you, too," Brian replied, feeling for the first time in his life as if he was finally home.

&&&&&

Epilogue...Five years later



"Hey Sunshine," Brian called out as he walked in the house and dropped his briefcase by the door.

"I'm in here," Justin called out as he washed off his hand so he could greet his partner properly.

Brian walked into the kitchen and found Justin standing by the sink with his back towards the door. He took the opportunity to sneak up behind him and wrap his arms around Justin's trim waist, kissing him on the neck.

"Hey, how was your day?" Justin asked as he spun around and wrapped his arms around Brian's neck.

"It was okay, but it's much better now that I'm home." Brian crushed his lips on Justin's, kissing him deeply until they were both breathless.

"Not now," Justin panted. "We're having company for dinner."

"Oh yeah? Who?" Brian asked as he let go of Justin and turned towards the stove, looking into the pot that was simmering on top. "Homemade sauce, my favorite."

"Well, Gus is bringing home Erica. Apparently she's been dying to meet his two dads and refuses to hold his hand anymore until she does," Justin explained, chuckling at the memory of Gus' explanation.

"What did we ever do to deserve a straight son? Where did we go wrong?" Brian teased. He and Justin were both so proud of what a good kid Gus was turning out to be.

"It probably stems from the time he walked in unexpectedly when he was supposed to be staying at Bobby's house and caught us moaning and groaning together on the couch," Justin laughed.

"Yeah, thank God I had enough sense to stop you before we went too far. Otherwise he would've found us with my dick buried in your ass," Brian replied with a smirk.

"You had enough sense? You're joking, right? I distinctly remember you telling me that the fear of being caught was half the fun. I was the sensible one," Justin said, shoving Brian playfully.

"Whatever," Brian grinned. "Who else is coming? There're three extra plates."

"Blake's coming and he's bringing Kelly with him. It's about time, too. He finally admitted that they've been dating for months," Justin said.

"Kelly?" Brian asked. "Is there something that I should know about your friend?"

Justin laughed at the confused look on Brian's face. "No, Blake is still gay. Kelly is a guy and from what I can tell, Blake is pretty much head over heels for him. Now why don't you go up and take a shower before everyone gets here? You've got about forty minutes."

"Forty minutes, huh?" Brian asked. "Why don't you come with me? I need a little help getting to all those hard to reach places."

Justin turned to Brian, ready to protest, when he saw the lustful look in those hazel eyes and knew he couldn't refuse. "Lead the way, but we have to be quick. I have to finish getting everything together before everyone gets here."

Brian took Justin by the hand and led him upstairs where they spent the next twenty minutes focusing on each other, the dinner forgotten.

They evening went well. Justin and Brian both liked Kelly immediately and Erica was a nice, well mannered girl. Everyone had a good time and by ten o'clock everything was cleaned up and Gus was in bed. Brian and Justin were curled up on the couch together enjoying the peace and quiet when Justin broke the silence.

"Brian, do you know what today is?"

"Ummm...Groundhogs Day?" Brian said, hiding the smile on his face.

"No, you ass," Justin said, smacking Brian playfully on his arm. "It was five years ago today that you officially moved in here. I don't think I've ever been this happy."

"Me neither," Brian replied. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For giving me another chance with both you and Gus. When I look back, I still can't believe that I walked away from all of this, thinking that it wasn't what I wanted. I missed so much, running away from everything that mattered to me, pretending that I didn't care," Brian admitted quietly.

"Shhh...Don’t think about it like that. You may have missed a lot, but we're a family now and you have many more years ahead of you to make up for lost time. What was that phrase you used to have?" Justin asked as he looked deep into Brian's eyes.

"No regrets?"

"Yeah, that's the one. I don't regret a single thing I've done because the past is what brought us to where we are now, and I wouldn't change it for the world."

"Neither would I, Sunshine. Neither would I," Brian said before kissing Justin with everything he had. He was right where he wanted to be. With the man he loved.


The End
5/7/05

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