Fighting Regrets

Chapter 5

As Blake and Tony continued to sit outside the house their curiosity about what was going on inside was building. They were worried about their friends but didn’t want to intrude on their personal moment. Tony broke the silence first.

“So, what do you think is going on in there?”

“I’m not sure. All I know is that Brian better not be causing trouble again,” Blake sighed in response.

“You don’t like him very much, do you?”

“That’s not true. I don’t like him at all,” Blake replied sarcastically.

“That’s not fair. You don’t even know him. He’s really a great guy.”

Blake looked over at Tony in shock. “You’ve got to be kidding. That really great guy turned his back on his best friends, not to mention his son. Although I guess, being the boyfriend, you would turn your head the other way to his flaws.”

“Boyfriend?” Tony asked in amusement. “I’m not the boyfriend. Brian and I are just friends, thanks to Justin.”

“You are?” Blake was surprised by the information. “And what do you mean, thanks to Justin?”

“Look, Brian would kill me if he knew I told you, but we were together when we first met. It was about six years ago and I fell for him hard. He tried, he really did, but his past haunted him too much and he couldn’t let go. He said he wouldn’t be able to stand getting close to anyone because it hurt that much more when they turned their back on him at the first sign of disappointment. It took me awhile, but I eventually got the whole story out of him. He may have left Pittsburgh and run away from his problems, but he never believed that Justin and Lindsay would stay mad at him and end their friendship over it. He felt like they abandoned him,” Tony explained.

“But he abandoned them,” Blake pointed out.

“No, he just took the easy way out of a situation that he was sure he’d screw up eventually. They were the ones who refused to talk to him. The fear of becoming just like his own father was too much for him, but he would’ve gotten past that eventually if they’d given him a chance.”

“But he’s been gone for eight years. If they mattered that much, why didn’t he eventually come back and try to fix things?” Blake asked in confusion.

“Insecurities, I guess. He figured they were better off without him and he couldn’t handle coming back and facing rejection. Trust me; I know what I’m talking about. He outgrew the loft he bought when he first arrived in town, but refused to move because he wanted to make sure that if Lindsay or Justin called him, he would be there.” Tony looked over at Blake and knew the other man was trying to understand what he was just told. “I can’t say anything more for fear of execution, but if you think Brian walked away and never looked back, you’re wrong. He spent so much time looking back that he hasn’t been able to move forward.”

Blake listened to Tony’s story, suddenly understanding a little more about the mystery man who was always just out of reach.

 

&&&&&
 

Brian looked on while Gus slept for a few more minutes until he knew it was time to leave. He needed to get out of Justin’s home and be by himself to think about all that happened over the course of the night. As he walked out of the room, he found Justin leaning on the wall alongside the doorway, his tear stained face partially hidden by his hands.

“Justin,” he whispered softly.

“Brian, please don’t take him away from me. He’s all I have. I don’t know what I’d do without him,” Justin cried, biting back a sob.

Brian was shocked by Justin’s plea and took the blond in his arms for the first time in eight years. “Shhh, it’s okay. I’m not going to take him away from you. I wouldn’t do that to either one of you.”

“But I saw you with him. I can see how affected you are by him…I…just, I can’t…” Justin stammered with his head buried in Brian’s chest making it almost impossible for Brian to understand him.

“Listen to me, Justin,” Brian said softly. “You’re right, I was affected by him. He’s my son. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to take him away from you. You’re his father, maybe not by blood, but by what matters. You’ve been a part of his life since he was born and have done a wonderful job raising him, especially under the circumstances. You could have dropped him on my doorstep and turned your back on him. Or worse yet, tossed him into the system, but you didn’t. You raised him as your own and words can’t even begin to describe how thankful I am that he has you. I don’t know what happens next, but I can promise that I won’t take him from you. I’m not a monster, you know.”

Justin looked up into deep hazel eyes and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw the sincerity that was there. He took a step back, putting a little bit of space between them before speaking. “Thanks. I’m uh…sorry about that. I just can’t imagine losing him.”

Brian stared down into Justin’s eyes and felt like he was drowning. There was so much tenderness there and knowing it was for his son caused Brian to lose all reason. He brought his hand up, using his thumbs to wipe away the tears, and without thinking lowered his head, placing his lips on Justin’s in a soft kiss. He didn’t know why he did it, and if asked at a later date, he would claim temporary insanity, but the second his mouth touched Justin’s the world seemed to stop spinning and it was as if after eight years, he was finally home. He meant for it to be quick, he meant to pull away, but hearing the small moan that was coming from beneath him only seemed to fuel the fire and he deepened the kiss, seeking for and finding entrance.

Justin was startled when he felt Brian’s mouth on his, and common sense told him to push him away, but years of wanting and yearning prevented him from doing it. He heard himself let out an encouraging moan before feeling Brian’s tongue searching for entry. Without conscious thought, he parted his lips and was rewarded for his efforts as the kiss deepened, sending his body into overload. Justin wasn’t sure exactly how long they stood there, lost in their embrace, but he suddenly felt a deep sense of loss as Brian pulled back and looked into his eyes.

“I’ve gotta go,” Brian whispered breathlessly before turning and quickly rushing down the stairs, leaving a very confused Justin in his wake.

 

&&&&&
 

“Maybe we’d better get back inside and make sure everything’s alright,” Tony suggested as he paced back and forth on the front porch.

“Yeah, maybe you’re right,” Blake agreed.

As the two men got ready to go back in the house, the front door opened and Brian appeared, looking a little shell shocked. “Let’s go,” he demanded as he strode by Tony and Blake, heading for the car.

Tony looked over at Blake with confusion in his face. “I wonder what that was all about.”

“I guess we’d better go find out,” Blake replied. “Uh…it was nice meeting you.”

“Yeah, you too,” Tony said with a smile and then followed the path Brian took to the car.

Blake entered the house, calling out to Justin as he walked through the downstairs. He couldn’t find Justin and heard no response so he headed upstairs and found Justin leaning against the wall by Gus’s door in a daze.

“Babe, are you okay?” he asked. When he didn’t get a reply, he started getting worried. “Justin, what happened? Did Brian hurt you? What did he say? Did he say he wanted to take Gus away from you?”

Justin pulled himself out of the fog he was in when he realized that Blake was talking to him. “What? Oh…no, he’s not going to take Gus away. Oh Blake, this is bad…really, really bad. I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

“Wait a minute. You lost me. You said Brian isn’t going to take Gus away, right?” When he saw Justin nod in agreement he continued. “Then what’s wrong? If you’re not going to lose your son, why are you so upset?”

“Fuck! This can’t be happening. What am I going to do?” Justin mumbled, pacing the small hallway oblivious to the questions Blake was asking.

“Justin,” Blake said again, taking Justin by the shoulders and forcing him to focus. “What can’t be happening?”

“I think I’m still in love with him,” Justin replied softly, finally voicing the fear that had been plaguing him ever since Brian’s lips touched his.

Of all the things that Blake had been expecting to hear, that was not one of them. As he saw the anguish in Justin’s eyes, he opened up his arms and pulled the blond to him, wondering if there was going to be any way to help keep his friend from the pain he was sure to endure in the future.

 

&&&&&
 

“Are you ready to talk to me yet?” Tony finally asked after they’d been back at the apartment for almost an hour. The ride back had been made in silence, and Tony knew that Brian just needed time alone with his thoughts, but even he was never that quiet for long.

“Huh? Did you say something?” Brian asked as he looked up at his friend, almost surprised to see him there.

“What the hell happened back there?” Tony prodded.

Brian thought about denying what had happened between him and Justin, but knew it was useless. Tony was relentless when it came to butting into other people’s lives. It was the one trait that Brian always hated, but was silently thankful for.

“I kissed him,” Brian finally admitted.

“I see,” Tony said softly, fighting the jealousy that washed over him. “I’m assuming you’re not talking about kissing Gus goodnight.”

“You always were a smart fucker,” Brian replied sarcastically. “The question is why the fuck did I do it? If I had any plans on seeing my son again, I’m sure I managed to screw it up.”

“Were you planning on seeing Gus again?”

“I’m not sure. Shit Tony, I didn’t have any plans on seeing him the first time, remember? This was all Justin’s idea, but now…” Brian’s voice trailed off.

“But now what?”

“But now I don’t know. He’s a really great kid, you know? And I think I’d like to get to know him better, but I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I don’t want to confuse him anymore than he already is and I’m only going to be here for a few months. What happens when I go back home?” Brian sighed as his brain raced with so many possibilities.

“Well, you could always take him with you when you…”

“No,” Brian stated, stopping Tony mid-sentence.

“Look, you helped Lindsay out assuming she would be the one to raise him. Now that you know she’s gone, you’d probably have a good chance in court if you were to seek some kind of custody,” Tony continued.

“Are you fucking nuts? There’s no fucking way I’d take him away from Justin!” Brian exclaimed as he jumped up off the couch and made his way to the window, looking out at the night sky.

“But he’s your son,” Tony said. “You may not have raised him, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have any rights to him.”

“And what about Justin’s rights? He’s the one who’s been there for Gus for all these years. He not only stood by Lindsay from the beginning, but he stepped up to the plate when she died and raised Gus as his own,” Brian pointed out.

“Yeah, he did. Without giving you the opportunity to be the boy’s father yourself. You had a right to know about Lindsay and come home to claim your son, but he chose to leave you in the dark. You lost the last six years of his life because Justin did what he wanted to do without giving you a second thought,” Tony replied angrily, although he wasn’t sure where his anger was coming from. He never thought about suggesting Brian take Gus away from Justin, but seeing the man so distraught over everything caused his protective streak to kick into high gear.

“I was the one who walked away, refusing to have anything to do with my kid. Justin was just doing what was best for Gus,” Brian said in Justin’s defense.

“Bullshit! He was doing what was best for him. I can’t believe that after all this time you’re still defending him. Poor little Justin can do no wrong,” Tony spat.

“Fuck you,” Brian barked as he spun around, grabbed his jacket and headed towards the door.

“Brian, where are you going? I have an early flight back home in the morning,” Tony said to Brian’s retreating back.

“You’re a big boy. Find your own way to the airport,” Brian replied before walking out and slamming the door behind him.

Tony stared at the door, wondering if he finally pushed Brian a little too far. He’d known almost from the beginning, without being told, that Brian’s feelings for Justin ran deep, but he always managed to keep his jealousy to himself and be happy with what he had, hoping to one day get the relationship he desperately wanted. Justin was on the other side of the country and out of Brian’s life. But being in Pittsburgh and seeing the affect Justin had on Brian was just too much for him to take. When he suggested that Brian take Gus, his idea was for them to work out some kind of arrangement where Gus could have both of his dads love and attention. He never meant to imply that Justin be shut out of the kid’s life but hearing Brian defend Justin angered him beyond reason, making him see the one thing that he’d been turning a blind eye to. The only future he’d ever have with Brian was one of friendship, and now he may have just lost that, too.

 

&&&&&
 

Brian drove around for over an hour, unsure of where he was going. Every time his mind replayed the argument he had with Tony, he felt his temper start flaring again. Then he’d think back to when he found Justin in the hallway, tears running down his face at the thought of losing Gus and knew he was right in his defense of him. He’d never be able to take the boy away, even if he wanted to. He’d hurt Justin enough eight years ago. He knew he wouldn’t be able to do it again, but what about his feelings? Did he even have a right to try to be a part of Gus’s life after walking away? Would Gus even want him there?

By the time Brian had finally pulled off the road, he wasn’t surprised to see that he was parked outside Justin’s house. His mind was screaming for him to drive away and wait until he had more time to think things through, but his heart was telling him that he was right where he wanted to be. Without thinking too much about the consequences, he reached into his pocket and pulled out his cell phone, dialing before he lost his nerve.

“Hello?” Justin answered, struggling to find the light switch. He hated middle of the night phone calls.

“Did I wake you?” Brian asked, suddenly realizing how late it was.

“Brian? Why are you calling?” Justin asked, his heart rate increasing with the knowledge that Brian was on the phone.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t realize what time it is,” Brian said softly.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t sleeping. Is everything alright?”

“Tony thinks that I should go to court and seek custody,” Brian blurted out. “He said that since I left under the assumption that Lindsay was going to be raising my kid, I’d have a good chance win now that she’s gone.”

“I see,” Justin whispered, fear clutching his heart once again. “What did you say?”

“I told him to fuck off and find his own way to the airport in the morning. Then I walked out,” Brian laughed nervously.

Justin sighed in relief as some of his fear drained away. “What do you want to happen?” he asked hesitantly.

“I don’t know. I never planned on any of this happening. Yes, I was hoping to see you and Lindsay while I was in town, but I never thought about seeing my kid. I guess he was never real to me before. It was like; since I never saw him he didn’t exist. Pretty selfish, huh?”

“But he’s real now,” Justin replied.

“Yeah, he’s real. The thing is I don’t want to take him away from you. I see how close you are and how much you love each other and I would never want to come between that,” Brian assured him.

“But?”

“But…he’s my son. He’s a part of me. I walked away because I knew I wouldn’t be a good father, but what kid of father walks away from his son?”

Justin could hear the torment in Brian’s voice and his heart went out to him. He wasn’t sure what they should do next, but he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep Brian from Gus, no matter how much easier it would be on him.

“Brian, where are you?” Justin asked, suddenly remembering that Brian said he walked out on Tony.

Brian chuckled before replying. “Sitting outside your house.”

Justin smiled to himself. “Why don’t you come inside and stay in the guest room. We can talk more in the morning. Besides, I don’t think Gus would be upset finding you at the breakfast table.”

Brian smiled at the thought of seeing Gus again, but didn’t want to make things worse for Justin. Especially since neither one of them mentioned the earlier kiss. “Are you sure?”

“I’ll meet you downstairs,” Justin replied before hanging up the phone.

Brian climbed out of the car and made it to the front door just as Justin was opening it. “Thanks,” he whispered.

“It’s no big deal. I have the extra room,” Justin replied as he locked the door behind them.

“I don’t mean for the room. I meant for understanding. After all that’s happened, I wouldn’t blame you for refusing to talk to me,” Brian admitted sheepishly.

“I’m just trying to do what’s best for all of us. We’ll talk more in the morning.”

As they walked up the stairs in silence, Brian couldn’t help but replay their kiss in his mind and he wondered what he was doing there in the first place. He could feel himself getting in over his head and wanted to run as fast as he could back to California and his old life, but it was too late. After just one night he was already in too deep and as he looked into Justin’s eyes, he felt himself sinking even deeper.

“Here’s your room,” Justin said as he led Brian into the guest room. “Sleep well. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Brian mumbled good night and waited until Justin was gone before dropping down on the bed with a groan. Now, above everything else, he was going to have to find a way to sleep with the gorgeous blond right across the hallway and memories of their kiss swirling around in his mind.

Justin went in to Gus’s room, pulling the covers up on the boy and kissing his forehead, before quietly making his way back to his own room. He shed his sweats and crawled back into bed, trying to forget that Brian was now right across the hall. He couldn’t help but wonder if he was doing the right thing by allowing Brian to spend the night, but what choice did he have? Tony was right, Brian had a very good chance of winning if he was to seek custody of his son, and that was something Justin just wasn’t willing to risk. He’d have to play his hand carefully and hope that in the end everything would work out okay. In the mean time, he’d give Brian the access he seemed to be looking for and pray that when all was said and done, he’d be able to move on with just a tiny bit of his heart still intact.


End of part 5
03/27/05

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