Fighting Regrets

Chapter 4

It had been three days since Justin had met with Brian and he still couldn’t decide how to proceed with his plans. All he really wanted was for Brian to be on the next plane out of the Pitts and for his life to go on as it had been for the last six years, but that wasn’t an option. Gus had been asking for Brian everyday, wondering when he would get a chance to meet the man who gave him life and Justin was running out of reasons on why the meeting hadn’t taken place yet. After dinner that night, Justin picked up the phone and dialed the number he’d taken off the caller ID. He was thrilled when it went right to voicemail and left a message asking Brian to call him. He then dialed the number that he always used when things were hard.

“Hey Justin, what’s up?” Blake asked in a cheery voice.

“Oh you know the usual. I’m sitting here waiting for Brian to call and tell me when he can come meet his son,” Justin replied, trying to sound casual.

“What?” Blake exclaimed. “Would you mind repeating that because I must have misunderstood you? I could’ve sworn you said you were waiting for Brian to call about meeting Gus.”

“No, you heard right. What was I supposed to do Blake? Refuse Gus when he’s so eager to meet his father?”

“First of all, you’re his father. Not Brian. Second of all, you could’ve just told him the truth; that his sperm donor is nothing more than a selfish prick who doesn’t deserve to know him,” Blake replied angrily.

“You know I can’t do that. Lindsay and I agreed to be honest with Gus when he asked about Brian.”

“I know, and Brian is a selfish prick so you wouldn’t be lying. Jeez, I leave town for a couple of days and look what happens,” Blake sighed dramatically. “How are you holding up?”

“I’m not sure. A part of me is okay with Gus meeting Brian. I mean, come on. Like it or, he is Gus’s father. But the other part of me wants to take Gus and run as far away as I can. What if Brian decides that he wants to be a father now? What if he tries to take Gus away from me? I can’t lose him now. He’s my whole world.” Justin’s voice was full of emotion.

“Hang on a second. Did Brian say that he wanted to take Gus away? Is that why he’s here?”

“No…he’s here because his company is opening up a new office and he’s overseeing it all. He’s only going to be here for three months. I asked him to meet with Gus. It wasn’t even his idea,” Justin admitted.

“Then I’m sure you have nothing to worry about. Look Babe, I know this is hard for you, but you’re the strongest person I know and if anyone can make it through this, you can. And you know I’ll be right by your side every step of the way,” Blake assured him.

“Oh yeah, well where were you the other day when I needed you?” Justin teased, trying to lighten the conversation.

“You know perfectly well where I was. I was in New York, finalizing the deal for your upcoming show. Being your manager is not a nine to five job, you know,” Blake retorted teasingly.

“Well, then it’s a good thing I pay you so well, isn’t it?” Justin threw back at him, thankful to have Blake as a trusted friend as well as business manager. Having Gus limited his ability to travel around for his art, but having Blake made everything so much easier.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Blake chuckled. He still didn’t know what he would’ve done if Justin hadn’t come along when he did and help him get his life back together. His drug habit had growing more and more everyday and Blake knew if he hadn’t stopped using when he did, he’d probably be dead by now. “So, do you want me to come over and hold your hand while you’re waiting?”

“No, but I’d love for you to come over and have a couple of beers with me. I could really use a distraction,” Justin admitted softly.

“I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” Blake assured him.

“Thanks, Blake. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

“Ditto, Babe. I’ll see you in a bit.”

 

&&&&&
 

“Alright Brian, I’ve been here for two days and you still haven’t told me what you plan to do,” Tony sighed in frustration as he and Brian walked out of the theater.

“I told you Tony, I’m not sure. I don’t know if it’s a good idea for me to meet Gus. He’s eight years old now. What am I supposed to say to him? I’m a selfish asshole who got your mother pregnant and took off?” Brian replied dryly.

“Brian, it’s not like you got Lindsay pregnant the old fashioned way and then ran from your responsibilities. She asked you for a favor and you helped her out. She knew going in that you weren’t ready to be a father,” Tony pointed out. “Besides, I thought Justin didn’t give you a choice. Do you really think he’s going to just drop it now?”

“Well, I was kind of hoping he would,” Brian admitted as he turned his cell phone back on. It immediately showed he had a voicemail and he quietly listened to Justin’s voice asking him to call. “But I guess not.”

“Call him, Brian. I want to be here for you, but I do have a life to get back to.”

Brian took a deep breath as he dialed the number he somehow memorized over the last few days and waited for Justin to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey,” Brian replied softly.

“What’s up?”

“Nothing. I…uh…got your message. I was wondering if you were going to call.”

“You thought that I would forget?” Justin asked pointedly.

“I was kind of hoping,” Brian admitted. “Justin, I don’t even know what to say to him. I’m not very good with children.”

“Brian, I’m not asking you to take him for a weekend. I just want you to come and meet him. He’s curious about you and I think he deserves the chance to at least know who you are. If it were up to me, I would have you on the next plane back to California, but it’s his choice,” Justin replied honestly.

“Do you always give him what he wants?” Brian asked.

“If I can, then yes I do. He’s been through a lot in his eight years and he’s a wonderful kid. If there’s something that he really wants, I do everything I can to give it to him. He wants to meet you and I’m going to make sure he does,” Justin explained, wondering why he was even answering Brian when it was none of his business. Despite his effort to arrange a meeting, Justin was still bitter over the past.

Brian sighed in resignation. “So what do you want me to do?”

“Why don’t you come to dinner on Friday night? That should give you enough time to talk to him and a good reason not to stay too long. After that, you’re free to go back to your life and Gus will have something to remember,” Justin offered, his insides shaking at the thought of having Brian in his home.

“Um…yeah, sure. Can I…uh…bring a friend?” Brian asked as he looked at Tony.

Justin felt something resembling pain clutch his chest at the mention of a friend. He never imagined that Brian would have someone in his life, let alone want to bring him to meet his son. “Yeah…of course. I’ll uh…make sure to set an extra place,” Justin stammered.

“Okay, I’ll call you Friday and get directions,” Brian told him as he felt Tony lay a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Um…alright. I’ll talk to you Friday. Later Brian.”

Brian mumbled his goodbye before closing his phone and putting it in his pocket. Tony’s voice pulled him from his thoughts.

“See, that was easy, wasn’t it?”

“Yeah, calling Justin was the easy part. Friday night is going to be another story,” Brian said solemnly.

“It’s going to be alright. You’ll see. And I’ll be right there with you. Now what do you say we go get a drink and a blow job. Not necessarily in that order,” Tony replied, pulling Brian towards the car.

Brian allowed himself to be pulled away, giving in to his friend’s desire to go out to a bar, yet a blow job was the last thing on his mind. All he could think about was meeting the little boy he saw at the diner the other day; and his blond hair, blue eyed father.

 

&&&&&
 

Justin was standing at the stove, stirring the stew that was simmering on the top, but his mind was a million miles away. A small part of him had been hoping that Brian wouldn’t call and he could forget all about the dinner that he had arranged, which was why he chose not to tell Gus about their plans, but Brian did call. And now as everything seemed more real, he couldn’t help but wonder what Lindsay would say about the meeting. He wondered if she thought introducing Brian and Gus was the right thing to do and he began missing his friend even more than usual. He was so lost in thought that he never heard anyone enter the kitchen and jumped when he felt a hand touch his shoulder.

“Hey, relax a little. It’s only dinner, not the last supper,” Blake teased, trying to offer comfort to his nervous friend.

“Blake, am I doing the right thing?” Justin asked as he turned around and looked Blake in the eyes. “Is introducing Brian to Gus a smart thing to do? What if Gus gets hurt? What if Brain says something to upset him? God, I wish Lindsay was here.”

”Babe, you need to calm down. This is something that Gus wanted and despite the fact that he’s only eight, he’s a very smart boy. He can handle this…probably better than you can,” Blake laughed. “Now why don’t you stop hiding in the kitchen and go tell your son that his donor is coming so he can at least prepare himself a little. I’ll be right here if you need me.”

“Thanks Blake. Can you believe that he’s bringing his…friend? I mean, since when does Brian…never mind. It’s none of my business. You’re right; I better go talk to Gus. Could you do me a favor and finish setting the table?”

“So that’s why you wanted me here? You just wanted someone to do half your work,” Blake chuckled, pushing Justin towards the doorway. “Go talk to your son.”

Justin smiled at Blake before walking out of the kitchen. He called upstairs for Gus and then sat down on the couch and waited for him to arrive. He smiled at the sight of the beautiful boy coming down the stairs.

“What is it, Daddy? Is dinner almost ready? I’m starving,” Gus said enthusiastically.

“Almost, Gus. I need to talk to you for a minute. Could you come over here and sit by me?” Justin asked as he held out his hand.

“Is something wrong, Daddy?” Gus questioned as he sat down next to his father.

“What makes you think something is wrong?”

“You have that look that you get when you’re sad about something; like when you’re thinking about Mommy,” Gus explained.

“No Gus, nothing is wrong. Your fath…I mean Brian is coming here for dinner tonight to meet you,” Justin replied surprised to find out that Gus knew when he was sad. He always thought he hid his feelings better than that. It was something he was going to have to work on.

“He is?” Gus asked with excitement. “When he’s going to be here? Can I show him my room? I want to show him the painting we did. Do you think he’ll like it?”

Justin smiled at Gus’s reaction; pushing away the twinge of jealousy he felt at the way Gus was so anxious to meet Brian. His was eight years old and wouldn’t understand how hard it was going to be for Justin to share his son. “He’ll be here in about a half hour. He’s bringing a friend with him and I’m sure they’ll both love to see our painting. Why don’t you go make sure all your toys are cleaned up and I’ll call you when he gets here?”

“Okay Daddy,” Gus agreed and got up, racing towards the stairs. He stopped suddenly and turned towards his father with question in his eyes.

“What wrong Gus?”

“Um…what am I supposed to call him? I mean, I know he’s my daddy kind of, but you’re my real daddy. I don’t even know him,” Gus said softly, confusion in his deep hazel eyes.

“Why don’t you just call him Brian? I’m sure that will be fine,” Justin assured him, smiling despite the sadness that was washing over him. Damn Brian for putting him in this position to begin with.

“Okay,” Gus replied before continuing up to his room.

Justin watched him go and wondered again how he was going to get through the rest of the night. He looked up when he heard Blake enter the room.

“How’d Gus take it?”

“He’s so excited, but I can’t help but feel he’s going to get hurt. What if he expects too much? What if he decides he wants to be a part of Brian’s life and Brian refuses? Or worse yet, what if Brian agrees? What if I end up losing my son?” Justin cried as he wiped away the dampness that was forming around his eyes.

“Oh Babe, come here,” Blake cooed as he pulled Justin into his arms. “Everything’s going to be okay. You’ll see.”

“I hope you’re right,” Justin whispered as he held on to Blake. “God, I hope you’re right.”

 

&&&&&
 

Brian pulled up outside the address Justin had given him and turned off the car, but then continued to sit there staring out the front windshield.

“Brian, are we going to go in?” Tony asked when Brian made no move to get out.

“Huh? Oh, yeah, just give me a minute,” Brian mumbled half heartedly.

“Man, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you like this before. Relax, everything going to be just fine. We’ll go in, talk to them, have some dinner, and then we’re done. Piece of cake,” Tony assured him.

Brian looked at Tony with haunted eyes. “My son’s in there, Tony. Do you get that? He’s my son; mine and Lindsay’s.”

“And Justin’s,” Tony added unnecessarily. “Isn’t that part of the problem?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian replied quickly. “Let’s go.”

Tony smiled as he got out of the car, knowing he touched a nerve. The one thing he always knew about Brian, probably the one reason they couldn’t make their relationship work in the end was the blond he was about to meet. He couldn’t wait until he finally had a face to put with the ghost that still haunted Brian’s life.

Brian waited until Tony was at his side before ringing the doorbell. His heart was thumping madly with anxiety and fear, but he did his best to hide his feelings as he heard someone opening the door. Suddenly Justin was standing before him and Brian wasn’t sure how he was going to get through the evening.

“Uh…hey Brian. Come on in,” Justin said as he stood back and allowed the two men to walk into his home.

“Justin, this is Tony Marino. Tony, Justin Taylor,” Brian said once they were in the living room. He looked around the spacious room and was impressed by what he saw. It was a room filled with vibrant colors and tastefully done paintings, which Brian assumed Justin had done himself. As he looked around, he heard Justin and Tony talking.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Justin addressed Tony, holding out his hand.

“You too, I’ve heard a lot about you,” Tony replied, shaking Justin’s hand. He was a little surprises by Justin. As stunning as the blond was, he was the opposite of what Brian usually looked for in a man. Although maybe Justin had something to do with Brian’s usual taste.

“Would either of you like something to drink?” Justin asked, trying to calm his raging nerves.

“I’m good for now,” Tony replied before turning to Brian. “What about you?”

Brian didn’t hear Tony or Justin address him. He was too busy focusing on a picture that was sitting on the mantel of the fireplace. It was a picture of him and Lindsay, taken right before Brian got the job in San Diego. Suddenly it all seemed so real. Lindsay was gone and Brian would never have the chance to say good bye.

When Brian didn’t respond, Justin looked over at him and saw the saddened expression he was wearing. His eyes traveled to where Brian was looking and he realized what the older man was seeing. He looked back and saw that Tony had noticed too, and was ready to offer comfort. For some reason, that angered Justin and he placed a hand on the man’s arm, shaking his head, before approaching Brian himself.

“That’s how Gus recognized you,” Justin explained softly. “Lindsay always kept that picture out so that Gus would know what you looked like. After she…once she was gone, I took it with me and made sure it was always out where Gus could see it. Lindsay wanted Gus to know who you were even though you weren’t around. I thought it best to follow her wishes.”

“I can’t believe she’s really gone. Just because we haven’t spoken doesn’t mean I didn’t think about her often. You either. I always thought that one day I’d come back and…well, I’m not sure what I thought would happen. I just didn’t expect this,” Brian admitted sadly.

“She was happy, you know,” Justin told him, not really sure why he was trying to comfort the man who had caused him so much pain. “She loved being a mother and showered Gus with love from the moment he was born. She never regretted her decision to have him, or to have you as the father.”

Brian nodded in understanding, unable to form any kind of response. Before either one of them had a chance to say anything more, Gus tore down the stairs, bubbling with excitement.

“Daddy, is it time…” he stopped at the bottom of the stairs, suddenly turning shy when he realized their company had arrived.

Justin turned to his son and smiled, once again hoping that he was doing the right thing. “Gus, this is Brian and his friend Tony. Come on over and say hello.”

Gus walked hesitantly over to his father and looked up at the man standing next to him. “Hi,” he said quietly.

Brian was almost frozen in fear as he looked down into his son’s eyes. He once again noticed how much boy looked just like he had when he was a child and he could feel his chest tighten with emotion. Pushing it aside, he squatted down, bringing himself down to Gus’s level. “Hey Gus, it’s nice to meet you. You’re a big boy.”

“I’m eight. Daddy says I’m tall for my age, just like my fath…um…I mean just like you,” he explained shyly.

“That’s right,” Brian answered nervously. “I was always the tallest kid in all my classes.”

“Me too. Daddy says that soon I’ll be taller than him. But he says I still have to do what I’m told.”

The men in the room laughed at Gus’s remark, feeling some of the tension ease. “That’s probably a good idea,” Brian smiled.

Justin smiled at father and son as Blake entered the room. “I see our guests have arrived,” he said as he made his way over to Justin and placed a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“Blake, this is Brian,” Justin began.

“We’ve met,” Brian muttered, hating the protectiveness that he felt radiating off of Blake. “At the diner.”

Justin noticed a tension between Brian and Blake and wondered what had happened that day after he rushed Gus outside, but pushed those thoughts away for the moment. “And this is Tony,” he continued.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Blake said to Tony as they shook hands. “Can I get you a drink?”

“Uncle Blake, is dinner almost done?” Gus asked, interrupting them. “I want to show Brian and Tony my wall.”

“Your wall?” Brian asked in confusion.

“Yeah, my Daddy and I did a painting on my wall. Wanna see?” Gus asked with excitement. “Uncle Blake, Daddy, is that okay?”

“Sure Kiddo,” Blake replied with a smile. “I just checked on dinner and we still have another fifteen minutes. Go show off your masterpiece.”

“Cool, come on Brian,” Gus exclaimed, grabbing Brian by the hand, his earlier shyness gone. As they passed by Tony, Gus grabbed on to his hand, too and dragged them both towards the stairs smiling all the way.

Once the threesome was gone, Justin let out the breath he didn’t realize he was holding and took a seat on the couch, keeping his eyes cast downward.

Blake noticed how quiet Justin was and plopped down on the couch alongside of him. “Are you alright?”

“They really hit it off, didn’t they?”

“Yeah well that’s a good thing, isn’t it?” Blake asked.

“Yes…no…I don’t know,” Justin sighed in response. “A part of me is glad that they hit it off with no problems, but a part of me…” his voice trailed off.

“A part of you was hoping that things were going to be awkward and that Gus wouldn’t like him,” Blake finished for him. “Babe, it’s perfectly natural for you to be a little jealous of the way they hit it off, but you have nothing to worry about. Gus loves you and you’re his Daddy. Brian is just the man who got his mother pregnant, remember? Besides, in less than three months Brian’s going to be back on the other side of the country, far away from you and your son.”

“But what about until then? What if Gus wants to see him again and Brian agrees? What if they get so close that Gus wants to go live with him instead of staying with me?”

“That’s not going to happen. First of all, Gus may like Brian, but not enough to leave his home and his family for him. Second of all, we’re talking about Brian Kinney here, remember? He’s the one who walked away the first time and he’ll do it again. He’s never wanted to be a father so I doubt if he’s all of the sudden going to want to take on an eight year old. No matter how beautiful and intelligent he is,” Blake explained, trying to calm some of Justin’s insecurities.

“The old Brian wouldn’t do that, but people change. You didn’t see the look on his face when Gus walked in. And he’s got Tony now, too. He’s not the same Brian he used to be and I’m scared, Blake. I scared to death that I’m going to lose my son. I already lost his mother; I don’t think I’ll survive losing him, too.” Justin fought back the tears that were threatening to fall. He needed to stay strong, at least until everyone was gone and Gus was in bed. Then he’d be able to give in to his fears, but not yet.

“It’ll be okay,” Blake assured him, taking him into his arms. “I promise that everything’s going to be okay.” And as Blake comforted his friend, he said a silent prayer that he was right and everything would be okay. Otherwise he feared his friend was right. He didn’t think the blond would survive losing his son.
 

&&&&&
 

“Wow Gus, it’s beautiful,” Brian said as he took in the mural that was spread out on the wall before him. Justin’s talent had grown over the years and Brian couldn’t help but smile at the painting. The picture showed Justin and Gus walking hand in hand alongside a stream, surrounded by what appeared to be some kind of forest, with birds and flowers around them. Up in the corner, Brian was surprised to see a faint picture of Lindsay with rays of sun peaking out from behind her.

“Daddy said that Mommy’s an angel now watching over us. That’s why she’s up there and not down here with us,” Gus explained.

“I’m sure she is,” Brian agreed, his voice a little choked with emotion. “So you helped your Daddy paint this?”

“Well, kind of. He helped me hold the brush while I filled in some of the colors, but we did it together.” Gus was beaming with pride.

“You guys did a real good job,” Tony added, overwhelmed by the talent that Justin had. “Your Daddy’s very talented.”

“Yeah, he’s an artist so he’s always painting and sketching things. Sometimes when he takes me to the park, he’ll let me play for a real long time while he draws.”

“That sounds like fun,” Tony replied with a smile. He chanced a glance at Brian and saw that he was still drawn to the painting, and he sensed the conflicting emotions that the man was having after meeting his son. “Why don’t I leave you two alone for a few minutes and go back downstairs? Give you a chance to talk.”

Brian turned around and looked at Tony with fear in his eyes and Tony couldn’t help but laugh. “You’ll be fine,” he whispered to his friend before walking out the door.

Brian looked down at Gus, unsure of what to say next. “So, what grade are you in now?” he finally managed to ask.

“Brian, why did you leave?” Gus asked suddenly, ignoring the question Brian had offered. “Daddy said that you left before I was born so it wasn’t my fault.”

“No Gus, it wasn’t your fault,” Brian sighed, unsure of how to answer. “But it’s complicated.”

“I’m eight now. I’m not a baby anymore. If you tell me I’ll try to understand but I really want to know. My friend Billy’s Dad left when he was young and his Mom said it was because his Dad was a bum. Daddy said you weren’t a bum,” Gus said softly. “So if you’re not a bum, why did you leave?”

Brian never imagined himself in the position he was in, trying to explain to his son why he walked away before he was born, and he cursed the Gods that put him in that position. “Sit down Gus,” he said gently, while trying to come up with some kind of explanation that a child would understand. “When your Mom came to me and asked me to help her have a baby, I was a little scared, I guess. I knew I wasn’t ready to be a dad and I told her that. She said that she was ready to be a mom and that I wouldn’t have to do all that much. I loved your mother so much that I wanted to give her what she wanted. Once I found out that she was pregnant with you I kind of freaked out. I knew I wouldn’t make a good father so when I got a job offer in California, I took it. I never really allowed myself to think about what would happen when you were born. I just knew you’d be better off without me.”

“Why did you think you wouldn’t be a good Dad? Daddy says it’s the best job he’s ever had.”

Brian smiled at that. “Boy, you come up with some really hard questions. You see Gus, when I was young my father was a really bad dad. I guess I just thought that I would be like him.”

“I don’t think you would’ve been a bad Dad,” Gus replied with childlike innocence.

“You know what? I’m thinking that you might be right,” Brian admitted. “But it all turned out okay, didn’t it? You’ve got your Daddy and I’m sure he’s a great dad. I know he loves you very much.”

“Yeah, he does and I’m glad he’s my Daddy. He said that you’re not going to be here long and then you have to go back to your home. Am I ever going to see you again?” Gus asked.

Brian could see the sadness in Gus’s expression and wasn’t sure what to say. He only agreed to meet Gus because he didn’t want to hurt him or Justin, but now that he met the boy, he had to wonder if he’d be able to walk away again. “I think we’ll have to have a talk with your Dad and see what he thinks we should do. But for now, how about if we go back downstairs and see if dinner’s ready. I’m sure everyone’s waiting for us.”

That seemed to satisfy Gus and he nodded his head before jumping up and heading downstairs, leaving Brian to trail behind him, feeling emotions he never felt before.

Dinner went smoothly and Justin almost found himself enjoying the evening. If he was honest with himself, he’d have to admit that he really liked Tony. He seemed like a really great guy and his love for Brian was obvious, causing unfounded jealousy to tear at his heart. Justin had no right to be jealous, of course. He and Brian had only been friends, and even that was a lifetime ago, but still it hurt that Tony had the one thing he’d always wanted. By the time the meal was over and everyone was back in the living room, it was late and past Gus’s bedtime.

“Gus, why don’t you go upstairs and put your pajamas on? It’s getting late,” Justin said as he saw the dark circles forming under the boy’s eyes, signaling his fatigue.

“Daddy, do I have to? I’m not tired,” Gus whined, another sure sign that it was bedtime.

“Gus,” Justin said in gentle warning, letting his son know that there was no room for discussion.

“Oh, okay,” Gus conceded. “Would it be alright if Brian tucked me in tonight?”

Justin was taken back by Gus’s request, but didn’t want to let on to the others how he felt. “I guess you’ll have to ask Brian,” he finally replied.

Brian sensed the tension in Justin and didn’t want to add to it, yet he couldn’t refuse the simple task that Gus had asked of him. “Sure Gus, you go up and get ready and I’ll be up in a few minutes.”

As Gus ran upstairs, Brian tried to think of something to that would ease Justin’s mind, but didn’t know what to say.

Blake saw how upset Justin was, and wanted to give him and Brian a moment alone. “Tony, I gave up smoking a few years ago, but still have one every now and then. Would you like to go outside with me while I fall off the wagon?”

Tony knew what Blake was trying to do and jumped at the chance to get out of the line of fire. “Sure, let’s go.”

Once both men were gone, Brian took a deep breath before looking at Justin. “I’m sorry,” he finally mumbled.

“For what?” Justin asked angrily. “For coming back into our lives, a place where you have no business being, and disrupting things?”

“Justin, that’s not fair. I didn’t come looking for you. Running into you at the diner was a fluke. Once I heard about the accident I knew I needed to see you again and find out what happened to Lindsay. You’re the one who asked me to meet Gus,” Brian pointed out, wishing he didn’t have to defend himself.

“Yeah, well if you just stayed in San Diego where you belong, none of this would be happening right now.” Justin saw that Brian had more to say, but refused to continue the conversation. “Go put Gus to bed. He’s exhausted and I have dishes to do.”

Brian sighed as he watched Justin retreat to the kitchen before going upstairs to tuck Gus in. He found him in his room already lying in bed.

“Okay, I don’t have much practice with this sort of thing so you’re going to have to help me out here,” Brian teased as he entered the room.

Gus giggled at Brian’s admission. “First you have to ask me if I brushed my teeth,” he told him.

“Did you brush your teeth?” Brian mimicked with a smile.

“Yep…see?” Gus smiled a huge smile, showing as many teeth as he could.

“Okay, what’s next?” Brian continued with his lesson.

“Now you sit down on the bed while I say my prayers,” Gus explained.

Brian sat down on the edge of the bed and waited while Gus began to say his prayers.

“Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray thy lord my soul to take, if I should die before I wake, I pray thy lord, my soul to take. If I should live for other days, I pray thy lord to guide my ways. God, please make sure you take good care of Mommy, and bless Daddy and Grandma Jenn, and Grandma and Grandpa Peterson, and Uncle Blake,” Gus recited as he did every night. “Oh, and don’t forget my other Daddy and Tony, too,” he quickly added.

Brian was startled when he heard himself being added to the list and didn’t know what to say, so he chose to just let it slide. “Alright Gus, I guess that’s it then? You’re all tucked in.”

“Not yet. Daddy always kisses me on the forehead,” Gus explained.

Brian took a deep breath before leaning over and placing a soft kiss on his son’s forehead. “How’s that?” he asked, his voice thick with emotion.

“That’s good. See, I told you. You would’ve been a good dad,” Gus mumbled, sleep overtaking him.

“Good night, Gus,” Brian whispered softly as Gus drifted off to sleep. He stood up from the bed, but couldn’t bring himself to walk away just yet. He wasn’t sure if he’d see Gus again and wanted to make sure he had the vision before him burned into his memory. For the first time in his life he began to think that walking away all those years ago was the biggest mistake of his life.

Justin stood just outside Gus’s bedroom door with silent tears rolling down his face. He heard most of the conversation between Brian and Gus and fear clutched at his heart. He didn’t know how he’d handle Gus when Brian walked away again, but worse than that, he didn’t know what he’d do if Brian didn’t.


End of part 4
03/26/05

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