Fighting Regrets

Chapter 3

Brian walked down Liberty Avenue, trying to wrap his mind around what he’d just learned. Lindsay was dead. How could that be? She was so young and full of life. She was the mother of his son, for Christ’s sake. How could she be gone? And why was Justin raising him? Yeah, they had been friends, but their only connection was their friendship with Brian, wasn’t it? So many questions were racing through Brian mind and he knew he needed to find the answers. He pulled out his cell phone and called information, thankful that they had one listing for a J. Taylor and hoped it was the right one. He hesitated a moment before dialing and waited until he heard the familiar voice answer the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Brian,” he replied softly.

“What do you want, Brian,” Justin sighed. Somehow he had expected this call.

“We need to talk.”

“Why? We haven’t spoken in eight years. Why now, all of the sudden, do we need to talk?” Justin snapped.

“I heard about what happened to Lindsay.”

Justin’s heart lurched, just like it always did at the mention of his friend’s name. “So? What do you care? You walked away without ever looking back; you can’t just come back now and expect things to be the same as they were. You made your choice the day you took your new job and now you have to live with it.”

“Damn it, Justin! I have a right to know exactly what happened. I also have a right to know how it is that you’re raising my son!” Brian replied angrily.

“You’re son? You’ve got to be kidding me! Brian Kinney isn’t cut out to be a father, remember? Gus is my son! I’m the one who’s been there since the day he was born. I’m the one who’s been taking care of him since his mother died. You’re nothing to him! Nothing!”

Brian was taken back by the anger in Justin. He’d actually been foolish enough to believe that when he saw Justin and Lindsay again, they would’ve forgiven him for leaving. Then again, he never imagined that Lindsay would be gone and Justin would be raising his child. He took a deep breath, trying to push aside all the feelings that were threatening to rise to the surface. “Look Justin, all I want to do is talk to you. I just want some answers. Just tell me where you live and I’ll come to you.”

Justin looked around the townhouse that he’d called home for the last four years and cringed when he thought about Brian being there. It was the one place he always felt comfortable and he didn’t want it tarnished with memories of Brian. “No, I’ll meet you somewhere,” he replied softly.

“Okay, just tell me when and where.”

“Meet me at Woody’s in an hour. And Brian, this is your one and only shot, so don’t be late. I won’t wait around for you,” Justin said before hanging up the phone.

“No shit,” Brian muttered to the dead phone line before closing it up and putting it back in his pocket. He had an hour to kill and decided to head back to the diner and try getting some more information out of the red-headed waitress. As soon as he walked in, he spotted her sitting at the counter, obviously on her break. He sat down alongside of her and ordered a coffee from the man behind the counter while he waited for her to recognize him. It only took a moment.

“It’s you,” Debbie said in surprise. “Look, I’m sorry about earlier. My brother is always telling me that my big mouth was going to get me in trouble. Apparently he was right.”

“Sorry’s bullshit. I didn’t come back here for an apology. I came back hoping you can tell me something about Justin,” Brian replied.

“It’s not my place to tell you his story. All I will say though is that he’s a wonderful father to that little boy and Gus is very lucky to have him. Anything else you want to know you’ll have to find out from Justin.”

“I plan to. Thanks Debbie,” Brian replied after looking at the woman’s brightly colored vest for her name. He stood up and turned to leave, but was stopped by Debbie’s next words.

“And if you hurt him, I’ll have your balls.”

Brian gave her a small smile before replying. “Somehow I don’t doubt that.”

&&&&&

Justin stood outside Woody’s trying to stop his rapidly beating heart. Knowing that Brian was most likely waiting inside for him was causing all kinds of reactions that he didn’t want to question. The first thing he noticed when he saw Brian standing in the diner was that he had gotten even better looking over the years; something that Justin didn’t even think was possible. He then realized that despite his efforts to hate the man, to forget all about the man he had fallen in love with, it didn’t work. His love for Brian quickly filled every pore in his body at first sight, once again causing him to go breathless with desire. It was a bad situation and Justin felt very uncomfortable about putting himself back into Brian’s life, but he didn’t have a choice. Gus wanted to meet the man who gave him life, and Justin was never able to refuse Gus anything. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door and walked inside, his eyes immediately landing on Brian, who was sitting at the end of the bar nursing a beer.

Brian knew when Justin had walked in without even turning around. He took another sip of his beer before spinning around on his barstool and making eye contact. He could see the hesitation in Justin’s eyes and gave him a small, encouraging smile. The last thing he wanted was to cause the blond any further stress. He waited until Justin was seated along side of him before saying anything.

“Thanks for coming.”

“What do you want, Brian?” Justin sighed as he signaled the bartender over and ordered a beer.

“I want some answers. Tell me what happened to…Lindsay,” Brian said in an almost pleading tone.

Justin sighed and took a sip of his beer before he began. “She was driving home from work one night. She had gotten a job at the gallery in town. It was raining really hard that night so she called me before she left to let me know she was on her way and promised me that she would be careful. Some drunken asshole ran a red light and hit her. She died instantly.” Justin reached once again for his beer, his shaking hand showing his true emotions.

“Why didn’t you contact me?” Brian whispered with emotion.

“What for? You made it perfectly clear how little she meant to you when you left,” Justin replied bitterly.

“That’s bullshit! I’ve always cared for Lindsay. My leaving had nothing to do with her; with either of you. I had to go where the opportunities were. If either one of you had given me a chance, you would’ve seen that.” Brian was desperately trying to hold in his anger over the situation. “How did you end up with my son? I didn’t realize that you and Lindsay were close?”

“Don’t call him that. He’s my son,” Justin insisted. “After you left, Lindsay and I kind of comforted each other. We’d both been betrayed by someone who we thought we were very close to. It was only natural to help each other. Then she started having problems with the pregnancy. It was a really difficult time for her. I moved in with her to help out. She was on bed rest and needed someone to help around the house. I didn’t really have much going on aside from school so I was able to help. It was only supposed to be temporary; just until after the baby was born, but by that time we had become best friends. I was there with her the night Gus was born. I held him in my arms and fell in love with him immediately. It was easy to fall into a routine after that. I didn’t know she named me guardian until after she died. Her parents couldn’t handle a toddler and were more than happy to have me care for him. We moved in with my mother for a couple of years until I could get on my feet and then I bought a townhouse in a nice neighborhood. We’ve been happy there ever since.”

“And in all this time, you never once thought of calling me and filling me in on what was happening?”

“At first I did,” Justin admitted quietly. “After Lindsay died I was so lost. I thought of calling you every night, wanting you to comfort me; to help ease the pain, but I couldn’t. You left us, Brian. You walked away from your friends without looking back. Do you have any idea how much that hurt? Did you even care?”

“Of course I cared. I called and left my number with Lindsay, hoping that one of you would call me but I never heard from you. I figured you just needed time and that one day the call would come. It never did,” Brian sighed.

“And it never would have. We moved on with our lives, just like you. Why are you here?”

“My company is opening a new office here in the Pitts. I’m here to oversee the final plans and make sure that the opening is a success. I’m staying in the new apartment complex off of Wilshire for the next three months,” Brian explained.

Three months? Justin wasn’t sure he’d be able to handle Brian being in town for three months. “Good, then you’ll have the time.”

“Time for what?”

“Time to meet Gus,” Justin answered, noticing the look of confusion on Brian’s face. “He recognized you in the diner. Lindsay and I never hid the fact that you were his biological father. He wants to meet you and as much as I want to refuse, I can’t. He has a right to get to know who you are.”

“He’s what, eight now? What do I know about eight year olds? I wouldn’t even know what to say to him,” Brian replied.

“Well then, I suggest you work on figuring it out. I gave you the answers you wanted. Now it’s time for you to do this for him. And you better not hurt him, because if you do, you’ll have to answer to me. I’m not the naive little twink I used to be. When it comes to my son, I will do whatever it takes to protect him; even if it means tearing you apart piece by piece.” With that, Justin stood up and threw a couple of dollars down on the bar before walking out without a backwards glance.

&&&&&

Brian woke up the next morning with a pounding headache, not only from the alcohol he consumed after his meeting with Justin, but also from all the information he learned in the last twenty four hours. He sat up in bed, holding his head as if it was about to fall off and sighed. No wonder he stopped drinking so much in the last few years. It wasn’t worth the pain. After waiting for a few moments for the pounding to subside a little, Brian reached for the phone, ignoring the fact that it was only six am in San Diego and smiled slightly at the voice that answered grumpily.

“This better be good.”

“Hey Tony,” Brian greeted softly.

“Brian? Do you have any fucking idea what time it is here?” Tony barked, his voice softening to take out some of the sting.

“Sorry, I probably shouldn’t have called…” Brian’s voice trailed off.

Tony heard the hesitation in Brian’s voice and knew something was wrong. He slowly sat up in bed and reached for a cigarette. He had a feeling it was going to be a long conversation. “I take it you saw them?”

“I saw Justin. Lindsay’s…gone,” Brian replied weakly.

“Gone?”

“She was killed in a car accident years ago,” Brian explained.

“Shit Man, I’m sorry. What about your kid?” Tony asked. He still remembered the shock he felt when he learned that Brian had a child.

“He’s eight and his name is Gus. Justin is raising him.”

“Wow, how did that happen?” Tony inquired.

Brian spent the next few minutes telling Tony everything he’d learned the day before, his mind still reeling at the news.

“Okay, so what’s your next move? You’re going to meet Gus, aren’t you?”

“I don’t know, Ton. What the fuck do I say to an eight year old? I don’t know a thing about kids,” Brian sighed.

“That’s not true. Look how much my niece and nephew love you? To them, Uncle Brian is the greatest,” Tony pointed out.

“That’s different. I’m just a friend of their uncle’s. I see them a couple times a year and on holidays. This kid is my son and he knows it. What do I say if he asks me why I left him behind?”

“How about the truth? That you had a shitty upbringing and didn’t think you’d make a good father?”

“Oh, I’m sure an eight year old would understand that,” Brian replied sarcastically, suddenly wishing that he hadn’t shared all his dark secrets with anyone.

“Does Justin know the reason you moved away?” Tony asked softly.

“Of course he does. The job was too good an opportunity to pass up.”

“I meant the real reason, Brian,” Tony pushed.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Brian replied indignantly.

“The fuck you don’t! You left because it was easier to move almost 3000 miles away than to stay and risk falling into a relationship and becoming a father. It would’ve been too much like growing up and you weren’t ready for that.”

“Tony,” Brian warned.

“For fuck’s sake, Brian. You’re 40 years old. Don’t you think it’s time to face reality? You were fucking terrified and instead of facing your fears, you ran off and left behind the people who mattered most to you.” Tony knew he was being hurtful, but he was tired of the way Brian refused to acknowledge the truth.

“You know what? Go back to bed. I never should’ve called you,” Brian growled.

“But you did call me. Because you know I’m the only one who can see past your bullshit and call you on it. Now I’m going to try to get a couple more hours of sleep and when I wake up, I’ll book the first flight out,” Tony said gently.

“You don’t have to do that,” Brian replied.

“I know I don’t. That’s what friends are for. I’ll call you with my flight information later.”

“Thanks Tony,” Brian said softly.

“Anytime Bri.”

Brian heard the line go dead and smiled to himself. He meant it when he said that Tony didn’t have to come, but he was glad that he was. He had a feeling that he was going to need a friend in the course of the next few days. Thinking back over the last eight years, Brian realized how lucky he was to have Tony in his life. He started out as a trick, but Tony had wanted more. Brian had been in San Diego for two years at that point and wondered if it was time for him to settle down a bit. Going to the clubs wasn’t the thrill that it had been when he was in Pittsburgh and since Lindsay and Justin never contacted him, he really didn’t have anyone he could turn to if he needed it. He found himself giving in and trying to build a life with the man.

&&&&&

Their relationship lasted for six months before Tony confronted him, realizing that they weren’t going anywhere. Brian tried, but he couldn’t give Tony what he wanted. He couldn’t love the other man the way he deserved to be loved. Thankfully they managed to remain friends and through the years, their friendship had only gotten stronger. Tony somehow managed to get Brian to open up about his past and he helped Brian to see things about himself that he’d been blind to in the past. If anyone could help him get through all the shit he was going to be facing in the next few weeks, it was Tony. And once again, Tony was riding to his rescue. At least there was still someone who cared about him in the world. Probably the only one he had left.


End of part 3
2/21/05

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