Something To Prove

Chapter 8

Justin laid awake half the night, trying to figure out exactly what Brian had meant with his parting words. It almost sounded as if he admitted to caring more than he let on while they were together, but that couldn’t have been it. Brian had told him from the very beginning that he didn’t believe in love. But then again, they spent a whole year together, seeing each other almost regularly and acting like they were more than fuck buddies. Could it be possible that he’d missed all the signs that were staring him in the face? At the time Justin had felt foolish for putting more into their relationship than was really there, but now he began to wonder. He eventually fell asleep right before the sun came up, feeling more confused than ever.

By the time Justin woke up, it was mid-morning and Aaron was happily jumping on his bed

“Daddy! Daddy! Are you ever going to get up?”

Justin hid the smile that was threatening to break through and give away his awareness and pretended to be sleeping. He planned on playing with his son a little longer until the boy’s next words broke through his thoughts.

“Grandma and Grandpa are busy and Uncle Brian went away so I have no one to play with. I’m bored with TV now. I want to play with my cars. Will you play with me?”

Justin immediately sat up, the force almost knocking Aaron off the bed. “Uncle Brian went away?”

“Yeah, he told Grandma that he needed to get his head on straight. Why would he say that? His head looked straight to me.”

Justin sat there stunned. He couldn’t believe Brian took off without telling him. But then again, why should he be surprised? Brian was always too focused on himself to care about what other people thought. A lot had changed through the years, but apparently his self absorption wasn’t one of them. “It’s just a figure of speech. It means he wants to be alone for awhile,” Justin explained carefully, fighting the mixed emotions that were coursing through him. “Why don’t you go back downstairs and watch TV for a little longer while I get up and shower? Then we’ll go out and do something. Okay?”

“Okay Daddy,” Aaron replied before jumping off the bed and running from the room.

Justin wanted to lay there for awhile and think about everything that had happened in the last few days, but knew he didn’t have that luxury. He needed to focus on the good things in his life at the moment and not dwell on the bad. He had two more days to wait until he could get the test results back and he refused to spend them moping around the house. He would do his best to carry on as if everything was fine and Brian Kinney could go fuck himself.

For the next two days, Justin did exactly what he set out to do and spent his time enjoying his son. He even managed to keep thoughts of Brian at bay during the daytime. Nights were a different story, though. When Aaron was sleeping and the house was quiet, there was nothing to keep him for thinking about the man that had invaded his mind too many times in the years since their meeting. While he was with Wyatt, Justin had managed to put Brian into a secluded spot in his brain, but he was always there, just below the surface. At first Justin used to feel guilty about his feelings for his lover’s brother, but in time he actually made himself believe that it was natural for a person to remember their first love. The fact that Brian was Wyatt’s brother complicated things a bit, but it was a fact of his life that he couldn’t change. He told himself back then that if he could change the past, he would. He knew better now. There was no way he’d give up his past with Brian. It meant too much to him. Probably more than it should. Now here he was, with Wyatt gone and way too many questions unanswered and instead of thinking about his dead lover, he was too busy thinking about his brother. Justin had hoped that Brian would’ve at least called him during his absence, but no one had heard from him since his announcement that he was leaving.

Finally the day had arrived and Justin was in Joan’s car heading back to the doctor’s office to find out what his fate would be. He wished more than anything that he had Brian by his side offering him his support. He shook those thoughts away. Justin was a grown man. He didn’t need anyone to hold his hand. He’d handle the news, good or bad, on his own. Once Justin entered the office and signed in at the reception desk, it didn’t take long for one of the nurses to lead him into the back. Since he was only there for a consultation, he wasn’t put in one of the exam rooms. Instead he was brought into the doctor’s office and left alone to look around the large room. As soon as the door closed behind the nurse, Justin felt his heart begin to race. This is it, he thought to himself. His future and Aaron’s depended on what the doctor told him when he walked through the door. Justin was terrified. He was so scared to hear the results that he almost didn’t hear the door open. He turned around suddenly, feeling slightly nauseous, and was startled to see Brian standing there with a small smile on his face. The smile quickly disappeared as he took a good look at Justin.

“Are you alright, Justin? You’re looking a little pale. Maybe you should sit down for a minute,” Brian suggested as he approached the smaller man.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“What do you mean what am I doing here? Why wouldn’t I be here? I told you I wasn’t going to let you go through this alone, remember?” Brian asked.

“Yeah, I remember. But that was before you took off without a word to me to…what was it? Get your head on straight?” Justin replied sarcastically.

“Justin…” Brian began, only to be interrupted by Justin.

“Don’t bother, Brian. I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself,” Justin spat. “Why don’t you just go back to wherever it is that you’ve been hiding and leave me alone?”

“Is that what you want?” Brian asked softly, trying hard to keep from taking Justin’s anger personally.

Before Justin could give his answer, then door opened again and Dr. Simmons walked through, holding Justin’s chart in his hand. “Justin, Brian, it’s good to see you both again. Have a seat and we’ll get down to business.”

“Actually Dr. Simmons, I’m not sure if I’m staying,” Brian said before turning his attention back to Justin. “Do you want me to leave?”

Justin felt as if the whole room was spinning and his whole body shook as the moment he’d been dreading was right in front of him. As mad as he was with Brian, he knew he didn’t want the man to leave him. “Please stay,” he whispered softly.

Brian smiled slightly as he placed a comforting hand on Justin’s shoulder and lead him over to the chairs that were stationed in front of the large desk. Once Justin was seated, Brian dropped himself into the chair beside him, hoping to keep his own emotions in check so he could be strong for Justin. It was one of the reasons he took off for a few days. He felt like he needed a little time to decide how he’d handle it if Justin was given bad news. He needed to be sure he was strong enough to handle whatever happened. Apparently, from the reception he got from Justin, the blond had thought that he just took off and deserted him. He couldn’t be farther from the truth and Brian would have to make sure that he understood that when the time was right. Now all he could to was keep a comforting hand on Justin’s knee while they listened to their fate.

“Alright Justin, let’s get the first part of this consultation out of the way. Your test results came back negative. There’s no sign of HIV.”

“Oh God,” Justin exhaled, tears that he’d been holding back releasing themselves and running down his cheeks. He looked over at Brian, a little surprised to see some dampness around his eyes, too. “I’m negative.”

“See? I told you everything would be okay,” Brian said, his voice thick with emotion.

“Now I recommend that you come back again in six months for a follow up test just to be sure, but I’m pretty confident that assuming there was an exposure to the virus, you were one of the lucky ones,” the doctor continued. “I’m very happy that things turned out the way they did, but there are a few things I’m still a little concerned with. We ran a complete blood work up on you and not all of our findings are good. Your blood sugar has me a little concerned and you’re severely anemic. On top of that, after looking over the records from your last physician, I noticed an extreme weight loss. Now I know that you’ve been through a difficult time lately, but you need to take better care of yourself or you’re going to end up a very sick man. I’m going to prescribe an iron supplement and put you on a strict diet in the hopes of getting your levels back where they belong. I’m also going to give you a prescription for a sleeping aid. You need to get more rest before exhaustion takes over. I remember you telling me that you have a young son. If you want to be strong enough to take care of him, you’re going to need to pull yourself together.” The doctor started making notes on the chart as he spoke.

“I’ll do anything you want me to, Dr. Simmons. I promise,” Justin replied, trying to take in what the doctor was saying. All he could think about though was that he wasn’t positive. He was going to be just fine. He was going to be around to raise his son.

“Don’t worry, Dr. Simmons. I’ll make sure he follows your orders,” Brian piped in.

“Good. Now I’ll give you both a minute while I go get some information packets and a list of your diet. Just come out when you’re done and the receptionist will have what you need. I want to see you again next month for more blood work and if I’m still not happy with the results, we’ll work on another course of action.”

“Thank you, Doctor. I promise I’ll do everything you say,” Justin assured him.

“I know you will. And again, congratulations on your test results.”

Justin sat in his seat, barely aware of the doctor’s departure as he thought about how close he’d come to being sick. He still mentally kicked himself for believing every lie that Wyatt told him, even though he had no reason to doubt the man. He’d been lucky to find that his mistake wasn’t a fatal one, but vowed to keep from risking so much on anyone ever again.

“Are you alright?” Brian asked, pulling Justin from his thoughts.

“I don’t know? I mean, I’m thrilled that I’m okay but I just feel…I don’t know. Stupid I guess, for believing Wyatt loved me in the first place,” Justin admitted softly.

“Justin, it wasn’t your fault. You had no reason to think that Wyatt was deceiving you. And he did love you. I know that for a fact. Whatever it was that caused him to get involved with someone else had nothing to do with you,” Brian replied.

“But how can you say that? I obviously wasn’t enough for him. Not if he felt the need to go find someone else.” Justin knew it probably wasn’t the best place to have this discussion, but his mind was racing with so many questions and thoughts that he couldn’t seem to help himself. “I guess I’m not enough for anybody. My parents didn’t want me; Wyatt had a lover on the side, even you…”

Brian knew what Justin was about to say, but he wasn’t ready to have the discussion he knew they were going to have one day. “Let’s not worry about any of that right now. You’re going to be okay and we need to get out of here.”

“Brian…thanks for being here with me. I’m not sure how I would’ve handled it if the results had been anything other than what they were,” Justin said quietly. “I really thought that since you disappeared…well I guess I figured that you decided to I was too much trouble or something.”

“Justin, this is the last time I’m going to tell you this. I’m going to be here for you for as long as you need me. I’m not going anywhere. I just needed a few days to get my thoughts together. I know I probably should’ve said something to you, but I wasn’t thinking too clearly at the time. Look, I don’t think this is really the time or place for us to have a serious discussion. Why don’t we get out of here and go grab Aaron? I thought we could take him out to eat and maybe take a trip to FAO Schwarz. I haven’t spoiled my nephew in awhile.”

“Brian, you don’t have to do that. Aaron’s been spoiled enough by his grandma and grandpa. He doesn’t need anything more and you know I can’t afford to take him out right now. Let’s just go home and have dinner with your parents,” Justin replied. He hated having to rely on others to pay his way.

“Now where’s the fun in that? Besides, we’re celebrating. We can’t do that at home. Let me do this and I promise not to offer you anything for at least a week. Deal?” Brian smirked.

“Fine,” Justin relented. “But I want to at least pay for my own meal. I’ll let you pay for Aaron.”

“Sure, whatever you say.”

Justin saw the gleam in Brian’s eyes and knew he was just agreeing to avoid an argument. He had no intentions of allowing Justin to pay. “Brian,” he warned.

“Let’s go. You can call Mom from the parking lot and have her get Aaron ready,” Brian said, successfully changing the subject.

Dinner was good and Aaron had a blast running through FAO Schwarz, pointing out all the toys he wanted Santa Claus to bring. Of course Brian had to follow through with his plan to spoil him, buying him a new train set to replace the one he lost in the fire. Justin had tried to talk him out of it, but there was no stopping Uncle Brian once he saw the massive selection of trains that lined one whole wall. By the time they had the car loaded up and were on their way home, it was late and Aaron was sound asleep in the back seat.

“The poor kid’s exhausted,” Brian commented as he drove through the city.

“Yeah, spending a small fortune will do that to a kid. I really wish you didn’t spend so much money on him. He’s only three, Brian. He’s too young to appreciate such an expensive set,” Justin said for the fifth time that night.

“Justin, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I can’t afford it. And besides, trains have always been a passion in the Kinney household. My father would kill me if I came home with anything less than the best. Where do you think Wyatt got his passion for them? Dad used to keep one of the guest rooms set up when we were young. He used to make sure to spend at least a few hours a week with us no matter how busy he was with work. It’s one of my favorite childhood memories.” Brian got a far away look for a moment before continuing. “Now that Wyatt’s gone, I want to be the one to give Aaron those kinds of memories. I know you’ll move out eventually, but I’d still like to share this with him. Do you mind?”

“Of course not. Aaron would love that. He loves spending time with Uncle Brian,” Justin assured him, touched by Brian’s desire to be close with the precious boy.

“I’ve been a pretty shitty brother and uncle. It’s about time I correct the uncle part, even though I’m a little late on the brother part,” Brian replied, his voice a little choked with emotion.

“Don’t say that. You’re a great uncle and you were a great brother to Wyatt. He loved you very much. He used to say you were his second favorite person, next to me,” Justin told him, feeling his own emotions take hold. “He obviously lied where I’m concerned, but I know he meant what he said about you.”

“Justin, believe me, you were his favorite person. I’m not sure why he did what he did, but I know he loved you completely. Not only did he tell me that all the time, but I could hear it in his voice when he talked about you. I just wish I made more of an effort to visit and stay in touch. Maybe if I talked to him more I would’ve known what was going on and been able to help. Maybe I could’ve stopped him from screwing up so badly,” Brian sighed in frustration. Ever since he learned about his brother’s affair he’d been wracking his brain trying to find a reason for it. He knew in his heart that Justin had nothing to do with Wyatt’s infidelity. It had to be something deep inside Wyatt that he couldn’t share.

“Brian, you have to stop feeling guilty about all of this. It’s not your fault that my life or Wyatt’s turned out the way it did. And as for staying in touch, well we’re all grown up. You had a life of your own, just like Wyatt and I did. You talked to him at least once a week. He was more than okay with that. In fact, he was worried when we moved to Vermont because he thought it would put too much distance between the two of you and was thrilled that it didn’t,” Justin insisted, wanting to ease some of Brian’s guilt. “And as for his screwing up, it’s not your responsibility to keep an eye on a grown man. I don’t know what caused Wyatt to get involved with someone else, but it had nothing to do with you. Chances are he never would’ve told you anything anyway. He’d have been too afraid to disappoint you. He looked up to you in so many ways.”

Brian didn’t know how to respond to what Justin was saying so he decided to just keep quiet and let the subject drop. He’d never forgive himself for how things turned out with his brother, and nothing Justin said was going to change his feelings on the matter.

When they got home, Brian once again carried a sleeping Aaron up to his room, laying him gently on the bed. He placed a soft kiss on his forehead before turning to Justin and speaking softly.

“I’m going to go get the packages out of the car and start setting everything up in the other guest room. You’re welcome to join me if you want to.”

“Thanks. I’m just going to take a shower and throw on a pair of sweats and I’ll meet you there,” Justin replied, feeling strangely excited at the thought of helping Brian set up the train set.

He watched Brian leave and then quickly took off his son’s shoes and tucked him in bed before going to take his shower. Once he was ready, he crept downstairs and grabbed a bottle of wine and a couple of glasses before going back upstairs to find Brian. He was sprawled out on the floor, working diligently on hooking up the tracks.

“Hey, I thought you could use a drink,” Justin said as he walked inside, holding up the bottle.

“Thanks. This seemed a lot easier when Dad was the one doing the work,” Brian laughed. “I stopped at their bedroom and told them about my purchase. Dad can’t wait to get in here and play.”

“You Kinney men and your train fetish,” Justin giggled. “Wyatt spent so much time with Aaron in the toy room at home. I had no idea his obsession was hereditary.”

“Now you know our secret. We’re train freaks,” Brian teased.

The two of them worked together for hours, laughing and drinking their wine, until they finally had the tacks all laid out. Then they sat back against the wall to admire their work.

“I’m so glad Mom never got around to furnishing this room once she dismantled our train set. Maybe deep down inside she knew that it needed to be ready for the next set,” Brian said as they sat side by side.

“Why’d she ever get rid of it in the first place? If your dad enjoyed them as much as Wyatt did, she could’ve left it in here for him.”

“She never said, but I think it was hard on them both when Wyatt and I both moved out of the house. She always said that she was proud of us, but wished we were still her little boys. They both hated to see us grow up and leave the nest. I think that’s part of the reason I moved back in after Dad’s heart attack. I could’ve easily helped out around here and still kept my own place, but I knew Dad would’ve been happier if I was living under his roof again,” Brian explained.

“I guess I can understand that. I can’t even think about Aaron growing up and moving away from me. After the way things turned out with my parents, he’s all I have left,” Justin said solemnly.

“No he’s not. You’re a Kinney now, remember? Wyatt may be gone, but you’re still a part of this family. Mom and Dad wouldn’t have it any other way,” Brian insisted. He stayed quiet for a moment before speaking again. “What ever happened with your parents? Wyatt told us that you were thrown out of the house for being gay, but we didn’t get the whole story.”

“Well…the night you broke up with…I mean told me you didn’t want to see me anymore, I got home to find them sitting up waiting for me. Apparently they called Dani’s house looking for me and when they found out that I wasn’t there, they searched my room to try to find out what I’d been up to. Once they found all my sketches and train ticket stubs they had a lot of questions. I was so out of it that I confessed everything to them. They proceeded to tell me that I was dead to them and that I had fifteen minutes to pack my shit and get out. I haven’t spoken to them since.” Justin took a deep breath to reel in his emotions. He gave up crying over his parents’ hatred years before. “I stayed with Dani and her parents to finish high school. By the end of that summer I was living in New York. I went to school, got good grades, and never bothered to try contacting them.”

“Shit,” Brian sighed. “I’m sorry about that. I wish I had known.”

“You always said sorry is bullshit, remember? And you made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with me. I wasn’t about to call you and try to force my problems on you. It’s no big deal. Everything worked out in the end. I was going to be leaving home away. They just sped up the process.”

“But if I…”

“Forget it, Brian. It’s all in the past,” Justin said, stopping Brian from continuing. It had been an emotional day and he didn’t have the energy to continue on with their conversation. “It’s late and I’m tired. I’m going to go to bed. Will I see you in the morning?”

Brian saw the effect reliving the past had on Justin and decided not to push. “Yeah, I’ll be here.”

“Okay, good night, Brian. And thanks again for everything.”

Justin stood up and looked at Brian a final time before heading towards his room. For the first time in a long time he was actually ready to go to bed before the sun came up. He went to the bathroom and brushed his teeth before climbing into bed in sheer exhaustion. In a matter of minutes he was sound asleep. All thoughts of the past wiped from his mind.

Brian wasn’t so lucky. Hearing how Justin was tossed out of his house on the same night he sent him away tore at his heart. Just another thing he regretted in a long line where Justin was concerned, and as he sat alone in the room, looking at the train tracks set up across the floor, he vowed to find a way to make Justin’s life easier. He owed him at least that much.


End of part 8
10/27/05

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