Something To Prove

Chapter 6

After what seemed like an eternity, Justin pulled out of Brian’s arms and wiped away the remaining dampness from his eyes.

“I’m sorry about that,” Justin whispered shyly.

“Sorry is bullshit,” Brian replied. “You have nothing to be sorry about. God Justin, you’ve been through so much. It a wonder how you made it this far before breaking down.”

“Yeah, well knowing that Aaron needs me makes all the difference in the world. If I didn’t have him, I don’t know what I would do.”

“He’s a great kid. You’ve done a good job with him,” Brian praised, trying to give Justin something positive to think about.

“Thanks…for everything,” Justin said, gazing into Brian’s eyes. “I…guess I need to start thinking about what happens next. I need to know if…well, if I’m infected I have to start thinking about what’s going to happen to my son.”

“Look, there’s still a chance that you’re not, remember? You’re going by the words in a suicide note. Wyatt may not have even been the one who infected him, but if he is…even if it comes out that you’re positive, that doesn’t mean that you’re going to get sick. HIV can lay dormant for years. Before making any decisions you need to go get tested.” Brian saw Justin’s eyes cloud over at the suggestion and knew what he had to do. He had to help him through the nightmare, not matter what the outcome. “I’ll call my doctor tomorrow and see if he can fit you in right away. I have an easy day at the office so leaving early shouldn’t be a problem. I’ve been working from home a lot lately anyway. My boss understands that I’m needed here right now.”

“You mean you’ll go with me?” Justin asked in wonder.

“Of course I will. I’m not gonna let you go through this alone,” Brian assured him.

Justin's eyes welled up once again at Brian’s thoughtfulness. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Say goodnight. One of us didn’t sleep all afternoon,” Brian teased, uncomfortable with the emotions that Justin was causing him to feel. “I’ll call you in the morning and let you know what time to be ready.”

“Good night, Brian,” Justin replied softly. “Thanks again.”

“Try to get some sleep,” Brian said before walking out of the room and leaving Justin alone with his thoughts.

As soon as Justin was alone, he thought back to the past and how he’d gotten to the point he was at. When he was seventeen he decided that it was time to do something about his lack of sexual experience. He’d only ever kissed a couple times before and that didn’t count because they were girls and he was still trying to hide his sexuality. He was a senior at Roselle Catholic High School and the prestigious private school was definitely not the place to be gay. So he waited until his parents were away for the weekend and searched the internet for any local gay hang outs he could go to. He found a place called the Duplex, on the corner of Christopher Street and 7^th Avenue in the Village. He hopped a train and made the short trip into New York City alone. It was a little scary being by himself, but it was something he had to do.

Once there, he flashed his fake ID and was immediately granted permission to enter. The downstairs area was kind of small, but Justin squeezed his way to the bar and ordered shot of Jack Daniels and a beer. It was the only drink he really knew and he didn’t want to seem like the teenager he was. He downed the shot and tried not to gage as the amber liquid burned a path down his throat and into his gut. He quickly chased it with his beer and hoped it would help ease the vile taste in his mouth. After that his curiosity got the better of him and he walked over to the stairs that lead up to the second floor. He was a little apprehensive about going up, but somehow got swarmed by a crowd of half naked men and found himself being literally pushed up the steps. The upper level was a lot like the lower one, but there seemed to be a little more room and the music was definitely much better.

He eventually made his way over to the window and looked out at all the action that was taking place in the streets. Everywhere he looked he saw men holding hands with other men and women holding hands with other women. For the first time in his life he actually felt like he was home. It wasn’t long after that when he sensed a presence behind him and turned to find a guy eyeing him. Even with his inexperience he knew the guy was cruising him and turned on his sunshine smile.

“Hey,” Justin called out over the loud music.

“Hey, can I buy you a drink?” The guy asked as he leered at the fresh meat before him.

“Sure, thank,” Justin replied as he started following the guy towards the bar. A hand grasping his arm stopped him.

“If you’re smart kid, you won’t follow him anywhere.”

“Excuse me?” Justin asked as he looked the man in the eye. This one was definitely better looking than the one he was following, but he wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

“That’s Jake. He’s known for drugging the newbies and then getting a little rough with them, if you know what I mean,” the guy explained.

A chill ran straight down Justin’s back at the man’s words. He suddenly realized that he was in over his head. What was he thinking hopping a train to New York by himself? He couldn’t even call his parents if he needed them. They were out in California at some retreat and would kill him if they knew what he did. “Uh…thanks for the warning. I’m just…probably going to go. Coming here was a mistake.” Justin didn’t even wait for a reply as he hurried down the stairs and back out onto the street.

Once he was able to catch his breath, Justin walked out to 7^th Avenue and held out his hand for a cab. Before he could catch one, he heard a familiar voice behind him and turned to find the man that warned him about Jake standing a few feet away.

“Hey Kid, I didn’t mean to scare you away. I just wanted you to see the trouble you were getting into,” the man said.

“That’s…okay. I don’t belong here,” Justin replied nervously.

“Oh? Not the taking it up the ass kind of guy?” Brian teased as he moved in closer, careful not to scare the blond away.

“I am…I mean I haven’t but I will…I mean…” Justin stammered, hoping that the man in front of him didn’t notice how scared he was.

“Ah, a virgin? Let me guess, you’re parents are away so you hoped a cab and stopped at the first rainbow you saw.”

“Actually it was a train and I did research before coming here. The Duplex sounded like as good a place as any to…uh…well, never mind. It doesn’t matter. I just realized that I’m not ready for this.” At the man’s inquiring eyes, Justin continued. “I mean I’m ready for that, just not this.” He gestured towards the club so that Brian would understand what he meant.

“Oh you mean a club full of drunken, half naked men willing to do anything to get in your pants? I guess I see how it can be a little bit overwhelming. Where are you from?”

“New Jersey. I take it you’re from around here?” Justin asked. There was something about this man that made him start to feel at ease.

“Born and raised. I share an apartment with a buddy of mine a few blocks away. He’s visiting his parents for the weekend if you’re interested in salvaging the evening.” As soon as the words were out of his mouth he wondered what the fuck he was doing. The last thing he needed was to take home some inexperienced twink. If he was smart, he’s turn and head back into the club and pick up someone more appropriate for the plans he had.

“You mean...you want me to go home with you?”

“You know what? Forget it Kid. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready. Here comes a cab now. You better step off the curb so he stops.” The man

 knew he was baiting the kid, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself. From the minute he saw the horrified expression on his face when learning of Jake’s immoral background, he felt a strange urge to protect the blond.

“No!” Justin said quickly without giving himself time to think about the danger he could be putting himself in. “I’m ready.”

The man just smiled and stepped off the curb himself, hailing the cab that would take them back to his place.

Justin’s first time was better than he ever imagined. He knew about the pain that was associated with sex, but found the man being very patient and gentle with him. They went three rounds that night before passing out, only to resume again in the morning. Justin hated to say goodbye, but by the next afternoon he knew he had to get back to Jersey before his parents called and found out that he was gone. He secretly left his cell phone number on the counter when he left, hoping that he’d hear from the man again.

Justin was thrilled the following week when he found himself on a train heading back to the city. The man had called him during the week and asked him if he was free on Saturday night. Justin had to tell the lie to end all lies to get out since his parents were both home and still over protective even though he was seventeen. After that, they started a sort of strange pattern. Justin spent five to six nights a month in the city. He rarely stayed over because Justin’s parents didn’t know of his traveling, but they had fun touring the clubs together and enjoying the city. They never went back to the apartment after that first night since the guy’s roommate didn’t have much of a social life, but they always managed to find somewhere they could go for Justin to explore his likes and dislikes. Justin eventually knew he was falling in love, but also knew that he couldn’t reveal that to his lover. He hadn’t even told Dani that he was seeing someone. He just told her that he met some people in the city who were like him and they all got together to hang out. He didn’t want her worrying about him. The guy was getting ready to start his senior year at NYU and swore that he wouldn’t let anything or anyone stand in his way. Justin decided to wait him out. As close as they were getting, there was no way that they could keep up the pretense that there was nothing meaningful between them. They shared too much for that.

A year flew by quickly and graduation was coming up for both of them. Justin had managed to secure a scholarship to the School of Visual Arts in New York but never told his lover. He wanted it to be a surprise. When the time finally came to announce his plans for the future, Justin was certain that everything was falling into place and his life was about to begin. Boy was he wrong.

He’ll never forget the pain of hearing his lover tell him that what they had was over. “It was just for fun,” the man had said, shattering Justin’s heart into a million pieces.

Justin walked away from the man he loved hurt and confused. How could someone carry on a year long affair and say it was just for fun? How could it not mean a whole lot more? Justin sat on the train that night, heading back to Roselle, wondering what he should do next. To make matters worse, when Justin got home it was to find his parents sitting in the kitchen waiting for him. They’d searched his room that night while he was out and found his naked men sketches and train ticket stubs. Justin, being in a weakened state by his heartbreak, confessed everything to his parents hoping for their understanding. What he got instead was help packing his bag.

He moved in with Dani for the remainder of the school year. Luckily her mother and father were fine with his being gay and felt bad that his parents were so ignorant and judgmental. After graduation and a summer spent working two jobs to earn enough money to get him through at least part of the school year, he headed to New York ready to put his past behind him. The four years at SVA were lonely years for Justin. He lived in a small room at The George Washington and worked a full time job through the school year, always picking up a second during the summers. He was determined to make it on his own. The only problem was that breaking into the art world wasn’t as easy as he thought it would be. By the time he had his degree, he’d saved up enough money to rent a small, run down apartment in a shady section of the city. It wasn’t a palace, but at least he had a roof over his head. He still had his full time job working in a coffee shop not too far from the apartment he found and quickly got another job at a restaurant a few blocks away. The pay at the restaurant wasn’t great, but the tips were pretty good and between the two jobs he was just managing to keep his head above water. His days were filled with work and stress, but his nights were consumed with his art and thoughts of his first lover. Not exactly the life he’d hope to be living, but he was managing. It was at the restaurant where he met Wyatt. It was so refreshing to finally find someone who believed in the same things he did and they quickly fell into a relationship.

After six months of dating, Justin moved in with Wyatt and things began looking brighter than ever. He even stopped thinking about the man from his past that broke his heart. Well not quite stopped, but seriously cut back to about twenty times a day. He was definitely making progress. Shortly after the move, Wyatt’s parents insisted that he bring his new and apparently serious boyfriend home to meet them. Imagine Justin’s surprise when he walked into the Kinney house and came face to face with his first love.

“Brian,” Justin had said, his mind going in overdrive at the predicament he was in. Of all the men he could meet in a city the size of New York, he had to meet Brian’s brother.

“You two know each other?” Wyatt asked in surprise.

Justin saw Brian give him a look, telling him with his eyes that it was his call on how he wanted to answer.

“Uh…no, of course not. You just talk about him so much I feel as if I already know him,” Justin replied quickly thankful that Wyatt never saw through his lie.

Later that night, Justin was standing out on the front porch when he heard the front door open and shut quietly. He knew without turning around that it was Brian.

“I just can’t believe this,” Justin murmured softly without turning around. “I knew he looked familiar. I kept looking into his eyes as if I’d looked into them before, but I never put it together. I can’t believe that in the year we were together I never asked your last name. And there are so many Brian’s in the world. I never thought…how did this happen?”

“Look Sunshine,” Brian began, using the nickname he had given Justin over four years earlier.

“Don’t call me that! Don’t ever call me that again! You have no right!” Justin whispered harshly.

Brian sighed and tried again. “Justin, I told you when we first met that I don’t believe in love. I leave that for my brother. Fucking is fun. It’s easy and it’s uncomplicated and it keeps people from getting their feelings stomped on. I warned you from the beginning not to get too attached to me. I had a career to build. Hell, I’m still building it. I don’t have time to get involved with someone who wanted to drag me down the nearest aisle. You told me that you understood.”

“But I thought…”

“What? That I’d sacrifice my career and my beliefs for a piece of blond boy ass? I thought you were smarter than that.” Brian said as he watched the pain flash through Justin’s eyes. He felt something stir inside him, but refused to take back his words. Justin was with Wyatt and Brian wouldn’t do anything that would hurt his brother.

“I thought so, too,” Justin whispered tearfully.

Wyatt came out moments later; halting any further conversation between them, but after their brief confrontation neither one of them spoke about their past again. It wasn’t until years later when they were finally able to build a friendship based on Wyatt and the love they both had for him.

Now here Justin was, thrown into the biggest nightmare of his life and Brian was rushing in to help him through it. After all that they’d been through, Justin shouldn’t feel anything but gratitude for his partner’s brother, but the sensations swirling around in his chest told him that he did. He felt something much more than gratitude.

Brian lay in bed, trying to force himself to go to sleep, but was failing miserably. All he could think about was Justin and the fear and uncertainty he was facing. But what had him most upset; above everything else was the fact that he could’ve prevented it all. Justin wouldn’t be dealing with any of the bullshit if it weren’t for him. If he would’ve been strong enough to tell Justin he loved him all those years ago, none of this would’ve been happening. It was a mistake that he’d never forgive himself for.

End of part 6

09/13/05

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