Something To Prove

Chapter 5

Aaron only slept for about a half hour and woke up extremely cranky and irritable, which just made Justin even more stressed. He wanted some time to think about his confrontation with Brian, but his son required all of his attention so he had to put everything else out of his mind until he could put Aaron to bed and have some time to himself. Since Brian didn’t go into the office, Justin felt like a caged animal as he hid up in his room watching cartoons and trying to stay out of the older man’s way. Finally it became too much and Justin knew he had to get out. He quickly got Aaron dressed and went downstairs, hoping to sneak out unnoticed. He grabbed the keys for Joan’s car, she’d assured him he was welcome to use it anytime, and ushered his son out the door. They ended up at Central Park and Justin breathed a sigh of relief at the feeling of freedom he felt. Aaron’s separation anxiety was causing them both to become hermits and he always hated feeling so closed in. They walked through the park, making a stop at the zoo, and enjoyed the day out of the house. By the time they made their way back home, Aaron was tired and Justin was just plain worn out. He entered the house quietly, hoping to make it upstairs before running into anyone else, but luck wasn’t on his side. He found Brian standing at the top of the stairs, apparently waiting for him.

“Dad was admitted to the hospital this afternoon. Apparently the doctors weren’t happy with his test results. Mom came home and packed an overnight bag. She’s staying with a friend who lives a block away from the hospital.”

Justin took in the dark circles under Brian’s eyes and felt bad for the man. He just lost his brother and now his father was hospitalized with heart problems. Sometimes life just wasn’t fair.

“I just thought you’d want to know,” Brian continued.

“Uh…thanks. I’ll see you…uh...eventually.”

Justin quickly made his way to his room, fighting off the vision of Brian looking so broken. He didn’t have time to worry about him, especially after the way Brian had accused him of leaving Wyatt to die. Brian was a big boy and could take care of himself. Justin had enough worries of his own to keep him occupied.

Jack was released from the hospital a few days later with strict orders to take it easy and watch his diet. Joan had spent that afternoon going through the kitchen and pantry and tossing out anything that wasn’t on the healthy food list that the hospital gave her. Brian was spending more time at home now that he learned about his father’s health, which put a bigger strain on Justin’s nerves, but neither one of them engaged in any type of real conversation since the day on Justin’s balcony.

Aaron seemed to be getting a little better as time went on. He loved seeing his Uncle Brian more and eventually Justin was actually able to leave the room as long as he was still within the confines of the house. It made Justin a little more relaxed, although he was still having trouble sleeping and had lost another five pounds that he couldn’t afford to lose. As the problems with Aaron eased a bit, Justin was hoping that things were starting to even out a bit and that they were finally settling down into a somewhat normal life. He should’ve known better.

About six weeks after the fire Justin was sitting out on the balcony lost in thought when the phone rang. Justin had been expecting a call from a small gallery right on the outskirts of the city. He was hoping to get a few of his paintings slotted for an upcoming new artist’s show. He still hadn’t been able to create the way he used to, but his muse was coming back slowly and he hoped that by the time the deadline for the show rolled around, he’d be ready. He reached for the phone quickly in an attempt to keep the sound from waking his son, who was sleeping soundly in the next room.

“Hello?”

“Justin? It’s Mathew Stein from Stein and Associates,” the voice on the line said.

Justin sighed when he heard the voice. Mathew was the lawyer he used to help with the fire and insurance issues in Vermont. He was also the one who had broken the news about Wyatt’s affair and the last person Justin wanted to talk to.

“Hello Mathew, how are you?”

“I’m doing okay. How about you? Are you and Aaron all settled in New York?”

“More or less, I guess. We’re getting there,” Justin replied as a feeling of dread washed over him. “What can I do for you, Mathew? I didn’t expect to hear from you again. I thought our business was finished.”

“It is, Justin. I’m calling on a personal level. Hell, I probably shouldn’t even be making this call, but I felt that I had to. I like you and I feel really bad about everything that you had to go through. I don’t want to add to your worries…” Mathew’s voice trailed off as he tried to find the right words to tell Justin the reason for his call.

The dread he was feeling turned into full blown panic and all Justin wanted to do was hang up before he was once again hit with another catastrophe. But he couldn’t. If something was wrong, he was going to have to deal with it, not bury his head in the sand. “Mathew, why don’t you just tell me whatever it is you have to tell me?”

“Colin Davis killed himself last week,” Mathew blurted out.

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. He felt bad for Colin’s family, but Colin Davis wasn’t any of his concern. He had no reason to feel bad about his death. “That’s a shame, but why are you telling me? I wasn’t the one sleeping with him. Wyatt was.”

“I know Justin and normally I wouldn’t even think of calling you to tell you. It’s just that…well he left a note behind. It said that he killed himself because he was positive and didn’t want to wait around until he got sick.”

That feeling of panic quickly found its way back, causing a tightening in Justin’s chest that seemed to be cutting off his oxygen flow.

“He claimed to have gotten it from Wyatt.”

Justin didn’t even notice that he dropped the phone as his whole body shook with fear. He couldn’t hear anything over the buzzing in his ears and his mind barely registered the tears that trailed down his face. Positive. Colin was positive. Wyatt was positive. He and Wyatt hadn’t used condoms in over three years. They weren’t needed, Wyatt had said. They were in love and monogamous, he had said. It was a lie. Everything they had together was a lie. And now…and now Justin could be positive, too. He could get sick and die. Leave behind a son who had barely survived losing one father. How would he survive losing another? Justin stood up on shaky legs and walked into the bathroom in a daze. He felt so dirty, so used, so empty inside.

Without conscious thought, he turned on the shower as hot as he could stand it and stripped off his clothes. He stepped inside the stall, not even feeling the water as it hit his body, and reached for a wash cloth. He grabbed the soap and started scrubbing, like a man on a mission, trying to wash away the pain and anger and fear that surrounded him. Yet the harder he scrubbed, the dirtier he felt, so he scrubbed even harder, oblivious to the damage he was causing. He didn’t notice the red welts that began to form from the scalding hot water or the blood that began to drip from the places he scrubbed so hard that he broke skin. He never heard his son enter the small room, calling out to him. He never heard the child’s cries when he realized there was something wrong with his daddy. He just kept scrubbing and scrubbing until exhaustion took over and he collapsed into a heap on the shower floor, breaking out into sobs and gasping for air.

“Uncle Brian, Uncle Brian!” Aaron shrieked as he raced down the stairs. He needed to get help for his Daddy. “Uncle Brian!”

Brian was sitting in the living room reading the paper, waiting for his parents to get home from yet another doctor’s appointment when he heard Aaron screaming at the top of his lungs. He raced into the foyer and caught Aaron in his arms right before they collided.

“Aaron, shhh…its okay. I’m right here. What’s wrong?”

“It’s Daddy! There’s something wrong with Daddy! Please come with me!” Aaron exclaimed as he wiped at his tears. “You gotta help him!”

“Okay, okay, where is he?” Brian asked as he started for the stairs. He could tell by Aaron’s panic that something was seriously wrong.

“He’s in the bathroom.”

Brian took the stairs two at a time, with Aaron in his arms clinging to him for dear life. When he burst into the bedroom he heard the sound of the shower being drowned out by the sounds of sobbing unlike anything he ever heard.

“Aaron, you stay here while I go help your daddy, alright?”

He didn’t wait for a response as he deposited the boy on the bed and ran into the bathroom. He could barely make out the shape of Justin on the shower floor through the steam in the room. He quickly reached in and turned the water off as he looked down, horrified by what he saw. Justin’s whole body was red and raw; blood trickling from numerous abrasions, yet the man was oblivious to any of it as he continued to sob uncontrollably.

“Justin?” Brian said softly, trying not to startle the man. When he got no response he tried again, a little louder. “Justin!”

When he still got no response, Brian grabbed a towel off the towel bar and draped it over Justin’s trembling body and then went back out to the frightened boy. “Aaron, I need you to do me a favor. It’s very important, okay?”

“Okay,” Aaron whispered tearfully.

“I need you to go downstairs and wait for Grandma and Grandpa to get home.” When he saw the boy was about to protest, he held up a hand to stop him. “Come on Munchkin, I know you’re a big boy. You can do this.”

Aaron hesitated for a moment before slowly climbing off the bed and heading for the door. He paused and turned back to his uncle, fear in his eyes. “Is Daddy gonna be alright?”

Brian’s heart broke at Aaron’s obvious worry; worry that didn’t even begin to match his own. “I’ll take care of him.”

Once Aaron was gone, Brian went back to the bathroom and leaned into the shower, picking Justin up as if he weighted no more than a bag of sugar. He carried him to the bed and gently laid him down, all the while whispering words of encouragement. He didn’t know what to do; didn’t know what brought on such an extreme melt down. He thought things were getting better for the blond. He thought that he was healing from the wounds that the fire had caused. They all did. Apparently they were all wrong.

Brian left Justin for a moment and went back in the bathroom to get a couple more towels, before returning to the broken man. He carefully dried Justin off, trying not to be affected by the guttural sounds that were still echoing off the walls. Brian noticed the way his hands were shaking, the way his heart was pounding in his chest, and tried to reign in his feelings. Justin was all that mattered at that moment. Once Justin was dry, Brian closely inspected the damage that had been done to the porcelain skin and gasped in horror at the ravage marks that littered almost every inch of his 5’9” frame. He glanced at the clock and wondered what he should do next. Should he call 911? Did Justin need medical attention not only for his physical state, but for his mental one, as well? And what would happen to Aaron if his father was taken away by paramedics? Instead of making any rash decisions, Brian covered Justin up with a blanket and then crawled into bed beside him, taking the still trembling man into his arms. He’d wait until his parents returned and seek their opinion of what should be done.

“Justin…shhh…its okay. You’re going to be okay.” Brian briefly wondered if what he was saying was a lie. Would Justin be okay? Would any of them really be okay after the loss of their beloved brother, son, and partner? At that moment Brian had his doubts.

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As Justin slowly began to wake up, before he even opened his eyes, he knew something was wrong. His brain was fuzzy and he didn’t remember the events that had taken place before he fell asleep, but the burn of his skin told him that something wasn’t right. As he struggled to pull himself from his haze, his memory slowly started kicked in and he instantly regretted trying to remember. He stirred carefully, eliciting a small moan and was startled to hear Brian’s voice in the distance.

“Hey,” Brian said softly when he realized that Justin was coming to. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like shit,” Justin replied, his dry scratchy throat making it hard to speak. “Where’s my son?”

“He’s sleeping with Mom and Dad tonight. I didn’t want him to disturb you,” Brian explained as he walked into the bathroom. He returned quickly with a glass of water in his hand. “Here, try to sit up and drink this.”

Justin didn’t want to move, but the thought of drinking in the cold liquid made him do as he was told. It took a moment for him to realize that he was naked under the blanket that was covering him and he blushed with embarrassment.

Brian saw the blush creep up Justin’s cheeks and knew what he was thinking. “Don’t worry. I didn’t look,” he teased, trying to make the completely uncomfortable situation bearable.

Justin forced a small smile as he struggled to sit up and take the offered glass. The water felt good on his throat and he drank it all down quickly before handing the glass back to Brian. “Thanks.”

Brian put the glass on the night stand before sitting down on the edge of the bed. “You really freaked me out.”

“I’m sorry. What about Aaron? Is he okay? I vaguely remember him coming into the…the bathroom. I just…it was like I had no control over what I was doing,” Justin whispered shyly.

“He’s doing alright. In fact, you would’ve been proud of him. I sent him downstairs to wait for Mom and Dad and he did as I asked like a good boy. Luckily they got home shortly after and they kept him occupied most of the night. I thought he’d refuse to sleep in their room, but he agreed. I let him come in and kiss you goodnight first though.”

“What time is it?” Justin asked as he squinted at the clock.

“It’s after midnight,” Brian replied.

“Midnight? But I got the call this afternoon…”

“I guess you were pretty worn out,” was all Brian said.

“I’m a horrible father. I can’t believe I just…lost it like that. My poor baby. He must’ve been so scared. That was the last thing he needed.” Justin’s guilt washed over him, causing a few stray tears to trickle down his face.

“He’ll be okay. Kids are resilient. You’re a good dad, always putting his needs before your own. You’re allowed to have a break down now and then,” Brian assured him. The silence stretched through the room until Brian couldn’t take it anymore. “So, you want to tell me what happened earlier?”

“No.”

“Justin,” Brian began.

“Brian, I’m sorry I freaked you out. It was a momentary lapse in judgment but I’m fine now. You don’t have to worry about me,” Justin said as he looked around the room, avoiding Brian’s eyes.

“Bullshit! You’re not fine!” Brian exclaimed and then felt bad as he saw Justin flinch. “Look Justin, anyone can see that you’re anything but fine. You haven’t been sleeping; you’re losing weight at an alarming rate, and earlier today I found you huddled up in the shower completely incoherent. Don’t fucking tell me you’re fine.”

“Okay, so maybe I’m not fine. Maybe I’m seconds from losing my mind and offing myself just to stop the pain. Is that what you want to hear? But it doesn’t matter because these are my problems, not yours. Just mind your own business and leave me the fuck alone!”

“Not gonna work this time, Blondie. I left you alone the last time you demanded me to, and look where it got you?” Again Brian felt bad as he saw Justin wince, but he refused to let Justin run away from his problems any longer.

“Please Brian,” Justin begged. “Just let me handle this on my own. There’s things you don’t know. Things that you don’t understand and that I don’t think I can handle telling you. Just leave it alone. It’s better that way.”

“Better for whom?” Brian countered. “Better for you? Because I don’t see how keeping something so painful inside is going to help you get over whatever it is that’s eating away at you.”

“No, better for you. You loved your brother. Hell, so did I, and I don’t want to tarnish his memory by filling you in on his private life when he’s no longer here to defend himself,” Justin replied dejectedly.

“So this all has to do with Wyatt? You’re right, I loved my brother, but even I know that he couldn’t be as perfect as he seemed to be. I’m sure he had plenty of flaws, such as thinking with his dick instead of his head. You need to stop trying to protect him and start trying to work through whatever has you teetering on the edge of insanity.” Brian could see that Justin was listening to him. He sensed the younger man was struggling to hold back when all he really wanted to do was share the burden of pain he was drowning in. “Look, I promise I won’t say anything to the folks, but you need to talk to someone. I’m offering you a shoulder to lean on. Just take it and we’ll go from there.”

Brian’s sincerity was Justin’s breaking point and he suddenly dissolved into tears at the thought of finally being able to unleash his darkest secrets. He felt Brian take his hand, comforting him as best as he could and fought to regain his control. He was going to need it as he tore open his wounds and purged his soul.

Brian gave Justin a few minutes to pull himself together than sat back on the edge of the bed and waited patiently for his story to begin. He didn’t have too long to wait.

“When I was still in Vermont, I learned that Wyatt had let the house insurance lapse. I’m not sure why. He always took care of the bills and never mentioned that we were having money problems. Thank God he had life insurance, but after the cost of the burial and the service, there wasn’t even enough left to cover the mortgage let alone support Aaron and me until we could rebuild a part of what we lost. I wasn’t going to say anything to anyone, but I did let it slip to Dani. She went behind my back to your folks and told them. That’s when they insisted that we move in here. I tried to refuse, but how could I? I couldn’t very well let my son sleep in the streets. After you flew back here, while I was still at Maggie’s I learned that on top of the insurance issue, Wyatt had taken a second mortgage out on the house. He…uh…apparently used it to support his lover.” Justin stopped for a moment, still angry and hurt over Wyatt’s betrayal.

Brian wanted to lash out over his brother’s obvious stupidity, but knew there was more to the story. He had to wait until he knew it all before reacting.

“I couldn’t believe that I didn’t see any signs. Wyatt and I were so happy together; or at least I thought we were. It’s been really hard trying to come to grips with the fact that the man I loved, the man who I planned my future with, wasn’t satisfied with me. He put our lives, not to mention our son’s, in jeopardy while he traipsed around behind my back with someone else. I wonder how long it would’ve gone on if he had lived. Shit, I don’t even know if this was the first time, or the first time he got caught.”

“Okay,” Brian said, taking a deep breath. “But you were dealing with that. It’s been weeks since you found out. You seemed to be coping pretty well under the circumstances. What changed?”

“I got a phone call today. Col…the guy that Wyatt was seeing…he, uh,” Justin found it almost impossible to go on. “Can I have another glass of water?”

Brian saw the stall tactic for what it was, but grabbed the glass and went back to refill it, giving Justin a few moments to gather his thoughts.

“Thanks,” Justin said as he took the glass and drained it in one shot. “Anyway, the guy…killed himself. He was…he left a note and claimed that he was positive.”

Brian knew without being told what was coming next. “And Wyatt?”

“He claimed that Wyatt was the one that gave it to him,” Justin choked out as he lost the little bit of control he had, covered his face with his hands and cried.

Brian was stunned. He wasn’t sure how to react. All he knew was that he had the sudden urge to take Justin into his arms again; promise him that everything would be alright. Tell him that it was all a mix-up and that in the morning everything will be different. In the light of day all the pain and fear of the last couple months would be gone and he could go back to his old life with no memory of the devastation he had been living through. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t because it wasn’t a mix-up. Justin had not only survived a devastating fire, but buried his lover, struggled to help his confused son move on, learned that his life wasn’t as wonderful as he thought, and now this. Now he was faced with the possibility that he was carrying around a disease that had already killed millions of people. How much could one person take?

“Maybe it isn’t as bad as you think. Maybe you don’t…”

“But that’s just it,” Justin cried, stopping Brian for going on. “We haven’t used protection in years. It was Wyatt’s idea. He said there was no need. He said that he loved me and would never put me in jeopardy. He said that everything would be fine. He lied to me. He lied to me and used me and now I might have this…this thing inside me. Eating me away until there’s nothing left. And where does that leave Aaron? God, I used to think that Wyatt was the love of my life, but I hate him, Brian. I hate him!”

Brian pulled Justin into his arms and let the man sob on his shoulder as he own tears silently poured down his face, and for that moment in time, he hated Wyatt too.


End of part 5
09/12/05

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