A Very Good New Year

It’s New Years Eve. I can’t believe it’s here already. Have I mentioned how much I hate New Years Eve? Okay, so maybe hate’s too strong a word. In fact, I used to love the holiday. But that was before I moved away from Pittsburgh, from my family, from Brian. I never planned on walking away so completely, you know? I mean, yeah Brian wanted me to follow my dreams and we called off the engagement, but I still somehow thought that we’d stay together. We’re Brian and Justin, right? Don’t we always end up together in the end? But this time is different. When I first left, Brian and I kept in touch with daily phone calls and weekend visits, but it eventually got to be too much and we had to say goodbye. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that I’m still the same emotional twink who couldn’t handle only having a part of Brian, right? Well you’re wrong. I wasn’t the one who couldn’t handle the distance. That was all Mr. Kinney.

I noticed the change in him after our first weekend visit. He called me as soon as he got back to the loft and I could hear the sadness in his voice. That’s not to say that I wasn’t heartbroken, too. I was devastated when he left and managed to get quite a few strange looks from the taxi driver on the way back to my apartment as I cried quietly in the back seat. But it was different with Brian. He wasn’t supposed to care that much. I know he loved me. Hell I knew long before he ever had the guts to say it, but hearing the sound of his voice, so sad and lonely, pulled at my heartstrings.

I never said anything to him about it, and within a week he was back to the same old Brian, but then we had another visit and afterwards it was more of the same thing. This went on for quite a few months and I was waiting for the day when it would get easier; on both of us. Instead I was sideswiped by Brian’s decision to end us completely. I was just getting home from my studio one Friday night when I found Brian on my doorstep. I was thrilled to see him since we weren’t supposed to get together for another couple of weeks. I noticed that something was bothering him right away, but I didn’t have time to ask him before being yanked inside almost violently. The sex that night was like nothing we’ve ever experienced before, and that was saying something considering who we are. By four in the morning, after countless rounds, we were finally spent and in each others arms. I was feeling really good then, but something about Brian’s behavior had me a little worried. After all our issues with lack of communication, I decided the best thing to do was just come out and ask him what was wrong. Boy was I in for a shock. I sat there as I watched the clock tick by closer to midnight as I replayed the conversation in my head.

“Brian, you know I love it when you visit, but why are you here? There’s obviously something on your mind,” I said softly.

“I came to say goodbye,” Brian replied sadly.

“Goodbye?” I tried jumping up out of his arms, my brain refusing to believe what it was hearing, but Brian just held on tight. “This isn’t…it’s not really working for us. It’s time to let go.”

“Let go?” I yelled angrily, not caring if I woke the neighbors on the other side of my paper-thin walls. “This is a joke, right?”

“Sorry Sunshine, but it’s no joke. We can’t keep doing this anymore. It’s just too…hard,” Brian explained.

“I don’t fucking believe this!” This time Brian wasn’t able to hold on and I managed to jump out of bed. “So what was this all about? You wanted to get in one last fuck with your blond-boy ass before walking away? Fuck you, Brian!”

The tears came fast and furious, but I didn’t care. After what seemed like the best night of my life, this man, this guy that I loved with all that I had, was tearing apart my heart and soul. How could this be happening? I held my face in my heads, my back towards Brian, and cried for all that I was losing. I never heard him come up behind me and jumped when his arms wrapped around me.

“Please don’t cry, Justin. This is what’s best for both of us. You need to focus on your future and I have a company to run. We can’t do that if we’re spending all of our time flying back and forth between here and the Pitts. Our relationship…or whatever the fuck it is has run its course. It’s time to move on.”

His words weren’t helping me stop the tears, but I did my best to pull myself together, knowing that I’d have plenty of time to mourn the loss once he was gone. “So why did you come here? Why didn’t you just call me? Or better yet, send an email?” My anger was so obvious in my tone that I felt Brian flinch at the words.

“I thought…I mean, I just had too…”

I turned around finally and looked deep into his hazel eyes, searching for the truth. “Tell me. Whatever it is, just tell me. If nothing else, I deserve to hear the truth.”

Brian looked like he was about to refuse, but as he looked down at me I saw his walls, the ones he still tried to live behind, slip for just a moment. “I just needed to be with you one last time.”

The tears that had begun to slow down started up once again as I buried my head in his chest and cried. I was breathing in his scent, trying not to think about how it would be the last time, and wishing there was something I could do to change his mind. But I knew there wasn’t. When Brian Kinney made up his mind about something, there was nothing anyone could do to change it. It was over. I stayed in his arms for a few more minutes, before pulling back and looking back into his eyes. “When are you leaving?”

“My plane leaves in two hours,” was all he said.

I guess I should’ve been surprised by that, but I wasn’t. We both knew that if he stayed the weekend, he wouldn’t have the strength to walk away. I just nodded my head in acknowledgement and stepped out of his arms. Then I was forced to watch him get dressed and prepare to leave. He didn’t have a bag with him. Why hadn’t I noticed that before? Once he was presentable, I walked him to the door and threw my arms around him, clinging to him for dear life. The kiss, when it came, was filled with more love and passion that I thought we were capable, but it left me feeling even more alone than before. Then he pulled back and smiled at me sadly before walking out of my life without looking back.

That had been three months ago and I wish I could say that the pain lessened in time, but it didn’t. My heart was still sporting the gaping hole that only Brian could fill and I still cried myself to sleep most nights just from the pain of missing him. Now here I was, sitting on my ratty couch, waiting for the ball to drop without any enthusiasm. What difference did it make that a new year was starting when I had nothing to look forward to? Yeah, so my art was being recognized? Who cares? I don’t. Not when it was my art that caused me to lose Brian. I began to resent my talent, my agent, even Lindsay for telling Brian about my opportunity. I may have agreed to go, but only because I honestly thought that I’d still have Brian by my side in the end.

There were ten minutes left until midnight and as the time crept slowly by, I became more and more depressed. I turned down numerous offers to go out and ring in the New Year and started wondering why I did. I figured I wouldn’t be in the mood for partying, but at least I wouldn’t be sitting around my dumpy apartment feeling sorry for myself. I could’ve done that in a crowd of people anywhere. I mean, come on…I’m in New York on New Years Eve. I should be out and about. Of course that thought was quickly replaced with thoughts of Brian and what he was doing. He was probably at Babylon. I heard from the family that he had reopened it, making it better than ever. He was probably in the VIP lounge right at that moment with a warm mouth wrapped around his cock. Damn, was why I torturing myself like this?

A knock at the door startled me and pulled me away from thoughts of Brian. It was probably the neighbor from down the hall. He was always having people over and constantly coming to me to borrow everything from lemons to chairs. I got up and shuffled my way to the door ready to tell him off. Enough was enough already. As I opened the door, my insults on my tongue, I came face to face with the last person I expected to see.

“Brian?”

“Hey Sunshine,” Brian said softly, looking just slightly rumpled and as beautiful as ever. “Can I come in?”

Okay I’ll admit it. For one brief second I thought about telling him no, slamming the door in his face, and forgetting that he ever darkened my doorstep. Of course that thought quickly flew out the window, replaced by curiosity and just a little bit of hope as I stepped back and allowed him to enter. I noticed he had a bag with him this time. A little presumptuous of him, don’t you think? Oh alright, you and I both know that I’d never send him away, but does he have to know that?

“What are you doing here?” I asked him once I had shut the door.

“I’m not sure,” Brian replied shyly. That was new.

“You’re not sure?” I asked. “Could you elaborate further, please?”

“Mel and Lindsay are in Toronto,” he replied, as if that explained everything.

“I know. I was there when they moved, remember?”

“Michael and Ben are having a quiet evening at home with Hunter and his boyfriend. Apparently he’s decided not to discriminate when it comes to the sexes.” Brian chuckled a little at that revelation. This was like trying to draw blood from a stone.

“Okay.”

“Debbie’s with Horvath, Ted’s with Blake, even Emmett’s still with that guy that he knew from Hazlehurst.”

“I know all of this Brian. I may be living in New York, but I still keep in touch with my family. It still doesn’t explain why you’re here? I think you proved with that stupid bet you had that you’ll never have a shortage of company. If you were lonely, why not just pick up a trick?” Okay, at this point I was really getting anxious inside. I know why a trick wouldn’t be satisfying, and you know why a trick wouldn’t be satisfying. The thing is that Brian Kinney could never understand the power of being with someone special. To him, a trick was a trick.

“A trick doesn’t know that I’m ticklish,” he replied seriously.

“Huh?” No, really…huh?

“A trick doesn’t know that I’m more sensitive on my right side than my left. He doesn’t know that losing one ball heightened the pleasure I have in the other one. He doesn’t know that after I get off, I like to linger for a minute and just enjoy the feeling of being wrapped in warmth.”

Is he saying what I think he’s saying? “Brian? What are you saying?”

He looked around, his eyes settling on the TV and clock showing three more minutes and counting, before looking back at me. “I’m not exactly sure what I’m saying. All I know is that it’s New Years Eve and all I could think about was seeing you, touching you, and just being with you? I saying that everyone I know is spending the night with the people they…love. Why shouldn’t I?”

“Brian…” Somebody get the mop, because I just melted right there on the floor.

“You were right. We don’t need vows and rings to prove that we love each other. We already know that. But what difference does it make how we feel if we’re not together in the first place? Look, I did what I did because…leaving you after every visit was hard for me. I didn’t like feeling like that. I thought that if I just ended things between us, it would be hard, but eventually I would go back to being normal again. I was wrong. Now it’s just always hard, without those little weekends to make things better.” Brian stopped talking and ran a hand through his hair in frustration before continuing. “Shit, I’m staring to sound like a lesbian. This isn’t coming out right.”

“I think it’s coming out just fine,” I said softly as a few stray tears slid down my cheeks unnoticed. I reach out and pulled Brian in my arms, glancing at the TV once again just as the clock struck midnight. “I love you, too Brian. Happy New Year.”

It was a very good New Year. I wish I could say that everything went back to normal after that, but it didn’t. We’re Brian and Justin, remember? That means that nothing we ever do is normal. But we’re still together and that’s all that really matters to me; to the both of us.

The End

01/01/06

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