Now That You're Here
Chapter 18
“What?” Justin asked in terror. “What do you mean, the way I’ve been watching
Brian? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“Relax, Justin.” Jason laughed at the look on his friend’s face. “I’m not going
to judge you, and I promise not to tell Sean. I just thought you might want to
talk about it.”
“I…it’s…”Justin stammered.
“Look, I’ll be honest with you. I kind of had a feeling you were gay a couple of
years ago, but I didn’t want to say anything. I figured if you were; you’d tell
me when you were ready. If you’re not ready now, it’s okay. I’m your friend and
whatever you want to do is fine with me. I just want you to know that I’m here
if you need me.”
Justin took a deep breath, knowing he had to be honest with Jason. It was time.
“Yeah, I’m gay. And I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I just…I don’t know. I
guess I just wasn’t ready for everyone to find out. My parents knew. I told them
a few years ago and they were great. They kept encouraging me to tell you and
Sean, since you were my closest friends, but I wasn’t ready. I kind of knew
you’d be okay with it, but I wasn’t so sure about Sean. He can be weird
sometimes.”
“Yeah, I know what you mean. But let’s face it, Jus. If he isn’t okay with it
then would he really be a true friend? Wouldn’t it be better to find out sooner
rather than later who your true friends are?” Jason asked carefully.
“I guess you’re right, but I don’t think I was ready for anyone to find out
before. Besides, I wouldn’t want to put you in the middle of anything. I mean…if
he wasn’t cool with it, then you would’ve been forced to bounce between the two
of us, instead of all of us being together. That wouldn’t have been fun for
you,” Justin replied.
“See, that’s where you’re wrong. If Sean had a problem with it and didn’t want
to be friends with you because you’re gay, he and I wouldn’t have been friends
either. Are you forgetting about my aunt? I could never and would never be
friends with anyone who turned their back on someone for being gay, regardless
of who it was.”
“I guess,” Justin sighed. “It was just so many different things. It was okay,
though. Between my mom and my dad, I wasn’t alone. And now…being out here with
Brian, Zander, and Chris has been an eye opener. I’ve been out since I got here
and it’s great. It feels so good not hiding who I am. When Sean asked about
visiting, I panicked. I wasn’t even sure if I could go back in the closet. Brian
talked to his friends and explained the situation so nobody would say anything,
but it’s been driving me crazy. I knew I had to tell you guys before you went
back to Pittsburgh, but I wasn’t planning on saying anything until the end of
the week so if there was a problem, it wouldn’t ruin your trip. I didn’t think
you’d figure anything out.”
“Well I did; which brings us back to the topic at hand. What’s going on with you
and Brian? Are you guys together?” Jason asked.
“No, we’re not. Nothing’s going on between us. I mean, he’s hot. I noticed that
the first time I laid eyes on him, but we’re just friends. That’s all we ever
can be. Chris and Zander wouldn’t be happy if something was to happen between
us. It’s just…”
“It’s just…” Jason encouraged.
“Saturday night when we were up at the lake, Brian kissed me. We were hanging
out watching TV and it just sort of happened. Thank God Brian heard Chris and
Zander coming in and stopped it before they saw us, but I haven’t been able to
stop thinking about it since,” Justin admitted.
“I don’t think he’s been able to stop thinking about it, either. Did you guys
talk about it?” Jason prodded.
“A little bit. We both agreed that it was an accident and it wouldn’t happen
again. He’s already apologized a couple of times, and he’s right. We’re family.
We can’t let anything happen again. It wouldn’t be right,” Justin insisted.
“Maybe, but it might not be that easy. Listen, Jus, I don’t know Brian that
well, but it’s so obvious that he’s been thinking about you as more than just
family. And sometimes we can’t help who we fall for. If there’s a strong
attraction between the two of you, don’t you think it’s worth exploring? What if
you guys are soul mates and miss out on each other because you don’t want to
rock the boat?”
“Soul mates?” Justin laughed. “You don’t really believe in that crap, do you?”
“Yeah, I do. I spent my entire life listening to my parents talk about how they
managed to find each other against all odds. I guess it kind of sunk in. But
that’s beside the point. You don’t kiss someone by accident. If it happens,
there’s a reason why. Don’t you owe it to yourself to figure out the reason?
What if you and Brian really belong together, but never get together because you
think it’s wrong? That would be such a shame.”
Justin took a minute to think about what his friend was saying. Could Jason be
right? Was the kiss really an accident? Is it possible to accidentally kiss
someone? Somehow Justin didn’t think so. “Maybe you’re right. I guess I have a
lot to think about before deciding what to do next. But regardless of what
happens, thanks for listening. I really appreciate it. I obviously can’t talk to
anyone else about this under the circumstances.”
“Hey, that’s what friends are for,” Jason replied. “Now I don’t know about you,
but I’m beat. I need to get some sleep.”
“I’m right behind you,” Justin said as he threw the empty coke cans away and
turned off the kitchen light. Despite everything going on in his head, he felt
much better having someone to talk to. Now that Jason knew, some of the pressure
was off. He hoped that Sean took the news as well as Jason did, but if he
didn’t, at least he had one true friend by his side.
The next few days passed quickly and before Justin knew it, Saturday night
arrived. He was extremely nervous about telling Sean he was gay. His friend had
tried to bring Brian and his “watching” up a few more times during the week, but
Jason always seemed to get the subject changed and Justin was thankful for that.
Now he knew that he couldn’t avoid the topic anymore. The boys were scheduled to
fly back to Pittsburgh the following afternoon and unless Justin opened his
mouth, his friend would go back home never knowing the truth and that wasn’t an
option. The more he thought about everything Chris, Zander, Brian, and even
Jason said about true friends accepting him for who he was, the more he knew he
had to be honest regardless of the consequences. He already had Jason on his
side. Just one more to go.
The three friends watched endless movies throughout the day and were taking a
late night swim when Justin somehow found the courage to speak his mind.
Unfortunately, he couldn’t find the right words and ended up blurting it out
right in the middle of Jason sharing a story about his sister.
“I’m gay.”
Jason and Sean both immediately turned their attention to Justin. Jason in
disbelief over the way Justin just made his announcement; Sean just in
disbelief.
“What?” Sean asked, sure he misunderstood his best friend.
“I said I’m gay. I…uh…thought you should know,” Justin stammered as his heart
raced in his chest.
“No you’re not,” Sean replied with a laugh. “Knock it off.”
“Yes I am, Sean. I’m sorry to just blurt it out like that, but it’s true,”
Justin assured him.
“No it’s not. You can’t be gay,” Sean insisted. He looked closely at his friend,
waiting for a sign that he was joking. When he didn’t see one, he glanced at
Jason who didn’t seem surprised by the news. “Jason?”
“Don’t look at me. Your friend’s trying to tell you something,” Jason said.
Sean looked back at Justin with an unreadable expression. “What the fuck did
they do to you?”
“What? Who? Sean, what are you talking about?” Justin asked in confusion.
“Them,” Sean replied angrily as he gestured towards the house. “Chris, Zander,
and Brian. You’ve only been out here a couple of months and they’ve already
turned you gay?”
Justin stared at his friend in horror. “Excuse me?”
“Sean, maybe you and I should go for a walk so you can take a few minutes and
think about what you’re saying,” Jason offered, trying to diffuse the situation.
He got no response as Sean continued.
“How could you let them get to you?”
“Sean, this has nothing to do with Chris, Zander, and Brian. I was gay long
before moving out here. All they did was help me find the courage to admit it to
my closest friends. How could you even suggest something like that? Being gay
isn’t a disease. It’s not something you can catch or be coerced into,” Justin
explained calmly despite the growing anger building inside of him. “And you were
okay coming out here when you knew they were gay. Why are you getting so upset
now? So I’m gay, big deal.”
“They’re not you. They’re not one of my best friends. I haven’t had sleepovers
with them for over ten years. They haven’t seen me changing, or coming out of
the shower…they mean nothing to me,” Sean spat as he climbed out of the pool and
quickly pulled on his t-shirt without bothering to towel off.
Justin lost the little bit of control he’d been hanging onto. “Well, apparently
neither do I!”
“Look, I think we all need to calm down here,” Jason said as he followed Sean
out of the pool. “Justin, I think Sean and I are just going to take a walk down
the street. Why don’t you go jump in the shower and we’ll be back.”
Sean stormed off to the side of the house, obviously deciding that getting away
was a good idea, leaving Jason and Justin both speechless.
“I’m sorry, Justin,” Jason said quietly, once they were alone.
“It’s not your fault,” Justin replied. “I just…I can’t believe he reacted like
that. I mean, I’ve always worried about other peoples’ reaction, but deep down I
didn’t think I’d lose you or Sean over it.”
“You didn’t lose me,” Jason said, reassuring his friend that he understood. “And
I don’t think you’ll lose Sean, either. He might just need some time to adjust.
It’s a big bomb to drop.”
“You didn’t need time,” Justin pointed out.
“No, but I’ve had a feeling about you for awhile,” Jason reminded him. “And my
favorite aunt is gay, remember? I’m probably as big a part of the gay community
as you are. He doesn’t have that kind of interaction. It’s new to him. Let me
get him away and talk to him. I’m sure he’ll regret what he said once he’s had
time to think about it.”
“Yeah, whatever,” Justin sighed. “There are blankets and a pillow in the
downstairs closet and the couch in the living room pulls out to a sleeper. I’m
assuming he’ll want to sleep as far away from me as possible.”
“Jus…” Jason began, only to be cut off.
“Look, maybe you’re right. Maybe he just needs time to think about this. But
even if that’s the case, I doubt if he’ll suddenly get over it by just taking a
walk down the street. It’s almost midnight. He’s going to need a place to sleep.
You guys need to be at the airport by noon tomorrow. If sleeping in my room is
going to be a problem, just let him crash on the couch. It’s not worth
disrupting the whole house over,” Justin replied as he dried off.
“Alright,” Jason agreed. “I’ll be back in a little bit. Are you going to be
okay?”
“One of my closest friends in the whole world just basically told me that I
disgust him. Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Justin snapped.
“Justin…that’s not what he said,” Jason told him, but he could tell by the look
on his friend’s face that he didn’t believe it. “Okay, just go on up and relax.
When I get back, we’ll talk.”
“Yeah, alright.”
Justin went inside and threw the towels in the laundry room before heading
upstairs. He couldn’t stop shaking from his altercation with Sean. He never in a
million years thought his friend would take the news so badly. Not once he
agreed to come to Arizona knowing that Brian, Chris, and Zander were gay. He was
glad that he’d waited until the end of the trip to say anything. Otherwise the
whole week would’ve been a disaster. At least he had six good days to remember
before it all turned to shit.
Without thinking about anything except the look on Sean’s face, Justin found
himself outside Brian’s door. Things between them had been normal for most of
the week, but part of that was because they really didn’t spend a lot of time
together. Brian was around, and he’d spent Wednesday with him and his friends,
but otherwise they really hadn’t been alone together all week. Now Justin
couldn’t help but seek him out. He needed someone to talk to and couldn’t wait
until Jason calmed Sean down and returned. He knocked lightly and was relieved
when he heard Brian call out for him to come in.
“Hey, you guys finally got out of the pool. I was beginning to think you were
going to stay in there all night,” Brian teased before noticing the look on
Justin’s face. “Justin, what’s wrong?”
Justin could feel tears building behind his eyes and tried to keep them at bay.
“Um, I told Sean that I’m gay…it didn’t go over too well.”
“Shit, come here,” Brian replied as he approached Justin and took him in his
arms. “Tell me what happened.”
Justin took a moment to enjoy the comfort Brian was offering and then pulled
back and wiped at the single tear that had managed to escape. He sat down on the
bed and began telling Brian the details of what had happened by the pool. By the
time he was finished, he was drained and no closer to believing what had
transpired.
“That’s totally fucked!” Brian exclaimed as he paced the room. “He claims to be
your friend and then pulls something like this? And what the fuck? Does he
really think you were straight and that we brainwashed you into being gay?”
“I don’t know. Jason thinks he just needs time to think about it. He says it’s
just shock, but I’m not so sure. He had this look on his face, like I let him
down or something. I don’t know. This just sucks. I never should’ve let them
come out here,” Justin said softly.
“Jus, I know this sucks, but you did the right thing. If this is the way Sean’s
going to act, then it’s better to know. And at least it’s out in the open. You
still have Jason, right?” Brian saw Justin give a slight nod and continued.
“Then that’s what you have to focus on. I like Jason better than Sean, anyway.”
“Huh?”
“I don’t know. I got this weird vibe from Sean when I met him. I guess I just
didn’t trust something about him. It was almost like he was fake.” Brian saw the
confused look on Justin’s face and felt bad for sharing his thought. “Shit,
sorry. I know he’s your friend. It’s not that I didn’t like him.”
Justin laughed at Brian’s attempt to retract his feelings. “It’s alright. You
don’t have to like everyone I like. What did you think about Jason?”
“Besides him being hot?” Brian replied.
“You think Jason is hot?”
“Well, yeah. He is. Haven’t you ever noticed?”
Justin had to think about it for a moment. “I guess. I don’t know. I never
really saw him that way, probably because we’ve been friends since we were
little kids.”
“Yeah, that must be it. But besides that, I think he’s a good guy. And a good
friend. You need to focus on that right now. Maybe he’s right and things will
work out with Sean.”
“Yeah, maybe,” Justin sighed, although he really didn’t believe that. Not with
the vision of Sean’s anger still fresh in his mind. “Well, thanks for listening.
I’m going to go jump in the shower and get ready for bed. Something tells me
that tomorrow morning is going to be a little rough.”
Justin got up and headed towards the door, but turned around when he heard Brian
call his name softly. He was surprised to find Brian standing right beside him.
“Try not to worry too much. It’ll all work out,” Brian said as he reached out
and softly brushed a few strands of drying hair off Justin’s forehead. He knew
it was wrong. He told himself that he shouldn’t touch Justin in any way for fear
of a reenactment of their night at the lake, but he couldn’t help it. He hated
seeing the deep sadness in those beautiful blue eyes. Of course the slight touch
caused a burning heat to course through his body, but he fought with everything
he had to keep from tasting those soft, warm lips again.
“Um…thanks. I…uh…goodnight,” Justin stammered before turning around and fleeing
the room. All thoughts of Sean were momentarily forgotten as the feel of Brian’s
touch lingered on his forehead. The heat from that one brief touch sent every
nerve ending on fire and he needed to get away. He went to his room quickly,
grabbed a pair of sweats, and jumped in the shower, hoping that the cool water
would calm the rapidly beating heart that Brian had caused. And it did. It took
a few minutes, but as the water washed over him, Justin was able to put aside
what happened in Brian’s room and refocus on the real problem at hand. Sean and
his attitude. Brian was right. At least it was out in the open. And if Sean
didn’t come around, as much as it would hurt, it would be okay. He still had
Jason and everyone he’d met since coming to Arizona. Losing a friend that lived
halfway across the country wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen. A friend that
was never really a friend in the first place.
Justin wasn’t surprised when Jason came through the door alone a short time
later.
“I take it Sean’s downstairs,” Justin said.
“Yeah. I’m so sorry, Justin. I tried talking to him but he’s just really upset
right now. He pissed me off so bad that I was going to leave him outside, but I
couldn’t do it. I have to at least be civil until we get back to Pittsburgh, but
then all bets are off,” Jason replied as he sat down on his rollaway bed. “I
don’t know what’s gotten into him. He’s never had an issue with Aunt Susie.”
“That’s different. It’s the double standard. Straight guys think two women
together are hot, but two men together are disgusting. I don’t get it. I have no
desire to sleep with a woman, but I don’t think a man and woman together is
disgusting. It’s just not for me.”
“Hey, you don’t have to tell me that. I agree with you. In fact, I have a
confession to make,” Jason said sheepishly. “I kind of think two guys together
is hot.”
“Wait…what?” Justin asked. “You mean you’re…”
“Gay?” Jason laughed. “No…maybe. I don’t know. I didn’t think I was. I mean,
I’ve always been into girls. And don’t tell Sean I said this, but I do watch
Alyssa. She’s sweet. It’s just that sometimes I see a guy and I think, wow…he’s
hot.”
“So you’re bi?”
“I guess…maybe. Look, Justin, I really don’t know. I’m not sure if I’ll ever
sleep with a guy or if I just like looking at them. You know how things are back
in Pittsburgh. If there are any gay people at school, they’re not coming out. I
haven’t really had the chance to explore this and see what happens, and I’m okay
with that. I’m just as happy when I think about getting closer to Alyssa, you
know? Of course, if I had a bedroom with Mr. Hottie right next door like you do,
it might be different.”
“Brian? You think Brian’s hot?” Justin laughed.
“Why is that so funny? You think so, too,” Jason pointed out.
“I know. It’s just ironic. He said the same thing about you when you were out
with Sean,” Justin explained.
“Really? Maybe now’s a good time for me to explore this and see what happens,”
Jason said as he stood up and made his way towards the door.
“Hey!” Justin exclaimed.
Jason turned around with a huge smile on his face. “Just kidding,” he laughed.
“That’s so not funny,” Justin said, smiling at his friend.
“Well I might be kidding now, but if you don’t do something about Brian soon,
I’m not promising anything for my next visit,” Jason teased.
“Then you’re not invited back.”
“That’s no way to treat your best friend, you know.”
“You’ll get over it.” Teasing back and forth with Jason was helping Justin to
forget not only Sean’s outburst, but also the encounter with Brian. He was
really going to miss his friend once he left the following day and he told him
so.
“I’m going to miss you, too. But now that you’re settled and everything’s out in
the open, I’m hoping that it won’t take weeks or months for you to call me,”
Jason replied.
“Once again, I’m sorry about that. I promise to stay in touch from now on. And
you have my number, so you can call me, too. I’d like to talk more about you and
this whole guy thing, too. I mean, if you want to.”
“Yeah, actually I do. I was going to talk to Aunt Susie but I didn’t want to put
her in an awkward position where she had to lie to her own sister, and I don’t
want to say anything to my parents until I know exactly what I’m feeling. And I
only really realized it about a year ago so it’s still kind of new to me. I kept
hoping that you’d come out to me so I had someone to talk to.”
“If you were so sure that I was gay, why didn’t you just talk to me about it? It
would’ve made my coming out easier,” Justin said.
“I wasn’t sure about you. I just had a feeling. And you know why I didn’t
mention it. The same reason why you didn’t mention it to me,” Jason replied.
“Yeah, you’re right. I really wish everyone would get over this whole gay thing.
The world would be a better place if everyone just minded their own business and
let other people live their own lives. Then we could all feel safe being who we
are instead of hiding.”
“Me too, my friend. Me too,” Jason agreed.
“I guess we should try to get some sleep,” Justin suggested. “It’s after one.”
“Are you feeling better now?”
“Yeah, I’m good. I hope that Sean gets his head out of his ass and comes around,
but if not it’ll be okay. I still have you,” Justin said.
“Yeah, you do. Goodnight, Jus.”
“Goodnight, Jason.”
End of chapter 18