Healing the Heart

Chapter 8

Justin received his call from Ryder on Friday morning, offering him the position as intern. Even though he knew he was going to have the job, he couldn't contain the excitement he felt after he got off the phone. The first thing he did was call Daphne.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Daph, it's me," he said in the phone.

"Justin! I'm so glad you called. How are you?" Daphne asked, thrilled that Justin had finally called. She had been waiting since he had left the weekend before.

"I'm great, actually. Guess what? I got a job!" Justin exclaimed.

"You did? Justin, that great! Where? What are you going to do?" Daphne was genuinely happy for her friend. She could hear an excitement in his voice that she wasn't sure she would hear for a long time if at all after what he had gone through.

"It's an internship at an advertising agency. I'm going to start at the bottom and work my way up while going to art school," Justin explained with excitement. He wished he could share his other news with her, but chose to wait until he figured things out more before telling her about what was happening between him and Brian.

"Art school? What about Dartmouth?" She asked in confusion. They had always planned to go together.

"Forget Dartmouth, Daph. You know how much I've always wanted to follow my dreams and pursue my art. Now I can finally do that."

"Wow, Justin, that's great. I'm so happy for you. So, I guess things are working out for you in Pittsburgh then?" Daphne asked, trying to sound supportive.

"Yeah, thanks to Brian. He's the one who helped me get the job. He was having trouble visualizing a campaign he was working on, so I offered to draw it for him. He was so impressed with my sketch that he talked to his boss, and now I have a job. Oh, and Mel was here. She came to see me and now she's going to move to Pittsburgh to get her degree. Lindsay said she could stay here until she got settled," Justin explained.

"That sounds nice."

"Daphne, is everything alright?" Justin asked, noticing something different in his friends voice.

"Yeah, everything's fine. What could be wrong?"

"I don't know, but I can definitely tell that something's bothering you. Come on Daph, what is it?"

"It's silly, really. It's just that I miss you. You're my best friend and we've always done everything together. Now you have this whole other life that I'm not a part of. We were supposed to be going to Europe together, then go to Dartmouth, remember? Now I don't even know when I'll see you again. And before you think I'm a horrible person, I know it's not your fault, and that you never wanted this. I miss your parents, too. I grew up in their house, too. But on top of losing them, I lost you, too," Daphne cried, trying to hold back her tears.

Justin was speechless. He never realized how hard this must be on Daphne. She was always close to his parents, even called them Mom and Dad. He'd been so wrapped up in his own grief that he never thought about her feelings.

"Daph, I am so sorry. I didn't realize how selfish I was being."

"Oh Justin, you're not being selfish. I can only imagine how horrible this whole thing has been for you, and I am so happy you are settling in there. Forget I said anything. I'm the one who's being selfish," Daphne assured him, regretting that she'd said anything.

"Look Daph, why don't we just agree that it's a rotten situation and move on from there. I'm sorry if it seems like I've been ignoring you. I just couldn't really talk about things at first, you know? I felt like my whole world was crashing down around me and I was getting lost in the rubble. I thought that somehow if I talked about what happened, it would make it worse. Now I know that nothing could make it worse, but I can make it better. I don't have to get lost in the rubble. I miss Mom so much, and despite what happened, I miss Dad, too, but I can't let their death kill me. I'm still here and I need to make something of myself, and that's exactly what I'm doing. My job at Ryder is a dream come true and I need you to be happy for me," Justin said gently.

"Oh Justin. I am happy for you. I really am. I just miss you so much that I temporarily lost my mind. That's all. Do you forgive me?" Daphne asked, only somewhat joking.

"Of course I do. I'll tell you what. How about you give me a few more weeks to settle in and start working and then you can come here for a visit. It'll be great. We can rent movies and hang out like we used to. Explore the city a bit. What do you say?"

"I say it sounds great! I'm looking forward to it. Now tell me all about this new job of yours," Daphne said, excited about her upcoming trip.

They spent another two hours on the phone making plans for Daphne's visit and talking about all the gossip from Philadelphia. Justin was feeling so good when he got off the phone that he grabbed his sketch book and took a walk to the park. He found a nice spot under a tree and sat down, filling his paper with images of Brian. He was surprised by how comfortable he was with his feelings now. After talking to Brian the other night, he'd finally accepted the fact that he was gay. It was a big part of his grieving process to go against his father's wishes and be his own person, but he knew it was something he had to do. Now all he needed to do was figure out what, if anything, was going on with him and Brian.

Brian was sitting at his desk, working on his latest project when his cell phone rang. Looking at the caller ID, he smiled as he answered the call.

"Hey, Mikey. What's up?"

"Hey Brian. I haven't talked to you much lately so I thought I'd see if you wanted to go to Babylon with us tonight," Michael explained.

"Sorry, can't tonight. I've got this really big account right in front of me that I have to land. I'm going to be pretty busy the next few days. Looks like you'll all have to try to find a way to have fun without me," Brian teased, hoping that Michael wouldn't give him a hard time. He was actually looking forward to spending some time with Justin.

"Alright, but you're still coming to Ben's birthday party next weekend, right? I know Lindsay's coming and I told her she could bring her cousin, but she said she wasn't sure yet. What's this kid like? No one's met him yet. It's as if Lindsay is embarrassed by us," Michael chuckled.

"Can you blame her? I'd be embarrassed introducing you guys to normal people, too," Brian teased.

"Asshole! Seriously, what's going on? Lindsay hasn't been to Ma's for dinner since he move in. I know you know the story, since you're the only one who's met him."

"If I tell you, do you promise to keep it a secret until Lindsay's ready to tell the rest?" Brian asked, seriously.

"I swear on Captain Astro," Michael teased.

"You are so pathetic. Anyway, Justin's father shot his mother, than himself. Justin was the one who found them. It's been pretty hard on him, so Lindsay didn't want to say anything right away for fear of everyone running over and smothering him," Brian explained, thinking about how sad Justin had been when he first saw him.

"Wow! That's horrible. How is he?" Michael asked with concern.

"He's getting better everyday. The thing is that Lindsay didn't tell him that she's gay. Apparently, her uncle was as homophobic as her parents so she's afraid that Justin might feel uncomfortable around all us fags," Brian laughed.

"But he's okay with you," Michael pointed out.

Brian didn’t know how to respond to that. He didn't want to go into details about Justin and his sexuality with Michael. It was Justin's choice of when he wanted to out himself. He decided to just be honest, without divulging to much information. "Lindsay made me promise not to say anything to him about being gay."

"And you agreed?" Michael was shocked. Brian never hid who he was from anyone.

"I told her I wouldn't offer any information, but if it came up, I wouldn't lie. She accepted that and so far everything has worked out," Brian replied, pleased that he didn't actually lie about anything. Everything was working out just fine.

"Oh, I see. Well, see if you can talk to her. Maybe she could just tell him that some of her friends are gay without telling him about herself. I know my mother really wants to meet him, and she misses having Lindsay over for dinner. She said the family meals aren't the same without at least one other woman there to counteract all the testosterone," Michael replied.

"I'll talk to her. Listen, Mikey, I have to go. I'll give you a call in a couple of days. Tell Ben I said hello."

"See ya, Brian."

Brian disconnected the call and looked at the clock. It was almost 5:30. He had just enough time to go home and shower before picking Justin up for dinner. It felt strange to think about going on a date. It was something he had never done before, but he was actually looking forward to it. He shut down his computer and headed out to the jeep, thinking about the blond who was waiting for him. In the last couple of days, he began to see a slight change in Justin. It was as if he was finally accepting the new life he was living, and Brian was thankful for that. He wasn't sure what it was, but there was definitely something about the kid that touch a place inside that Brian that he never knew existed. Now all he had to do was figure out what to do next.

Justin was pacing the floor at 6:45, anxiously awaiting Brian's arrival. Lindsay had gone out to dinner with Christy, so he didn't have to worry about seeming nervous, which he definitely was. He had been worried all day about how he was going to act tonight. It wasn't like he and Brian were a couple. In fact, this probably wasn't even a real date. It was just Brian taking him out to dinner to celebrate his new job. Unfortunately, that thought didn't do anything to ease his nerves. He had decided to just be casual and let Brian set the standard for the evening, even though all he wanted to do was kiss the man again. Hearing the jeep pull up outside, Justin grabbed his jacket and headed out, trying to calm his rapidly beating heart.

"Hey," Justin said as he climbed in the jeep.

"Hey," Brian replied, leaning over and placing a soft kiss on Justin's lips. He had spent all day trying to decide if he should just let things happen naturally, but the minute he saw Justin appear through the front door, he knew he had to taste those lips as soon as they were close.

Justin couldn't help the smile that spread across his face as Brian pulled back from the kiss. He had been wanting to touch that mouth again and he wasn't disappointed.

"Where would you like to go for dinner? In the mood for anything special?" Brian asked as he pulled away from the curb.

"Not really. Anything is fine with me," Justin replied, wiping his sweating palms on his pants.

While they drove across town towards the restaurant that Brian decided to go to, they filled the silence with talk about the weather and what movies sounded good in the theaters. They realized that they both wanted to see the new Ashton Kutcher movie so decided to go after they ate.

Dinner was nice. Brian took Justin to an Italian restaurant just off of Liberty Avenue so he knew there would be a mixed crowd. They discussed work, and Brian explained everything that he thought Justin would need to know. They decided to keep their friendship a secret while they were in the office. Ryder knew that Justin was related to a friend of Brian's but there was no need for anyone to know how close they were becoming.

Once Brian paid the bill, they headed out and walked to the movie theater down the road. Sitting in the back row, they giggled and joked like school kids until the movie started. About five minutes into the movie Justin was startled when Brian took is hand in his. He knew he had a silly grin on his face, but he didn't care. This was turning out to be the best night of his life, quickly replacing their first kiss. They watched the movie together, but neither one of them could completely concentrate on what was happening. Brian was fighting an inner battle with himself. All he wanted to do was take Justin back to his apartment, but he knew he couldn't let that happen. Justin only admitted to himself that he was gay a few days ago, and he needed time to get used to the idea and completely find himself before he took the next step.

Justin was distracted by the way Brian's thumb was caressing his hand. He had never felt anything like the feelings he had when he was with Brian, and he wasn't sure what to do about them. He was afraid that with Brian being so much older and more experienced than him, he would expect things from him that Justin didn’t know if he was ready to give. He knew he wanted more than what they had so far, but he didn't know how much more he was ready for. Before he knew it, the credits were rolling and the lights came on. They walked out of the theater and back to the jeep, hand in hand. Neither one of them said a word until they were strapped inside.

"Look, Justin. I'm going to be perfectly honest with you. Right now, all I want to do is take you home with me, but I know you're not ready for that. Hell, I don't even know if I'm ready for that. I've never actually dated anyone before. I've always been a casual contact type of guy. I think we need to just keep things cool for awhile and see what happens. Okay?" Brian could not believe he was having this conversation. He was starting to sound like a lesbian.

Justin couldn't help the sigh of relief that escaped him. Now that they were out of the theater, he was beginning to wonder what would happen next. He was happy to see that Brian was willing to give him some time to adjust to things before taking the next step.

"That sounds good to me. I guess I'm still a little confused by everything that's happening. In a way, it feels like things are moving so fast, but then again, it feels like I've been waiting my whole life for this. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Actually, it makes perfect sense. I also think we should keep this to ourselves for awhile. I don't know what Lindsay's reaction would be," Brian suggested. He felt bad about not telling Justin that Lindsay was gay, but he knew it wasn't his place.

"Yeah, I agree. I don't think I'm ready to tell her about this just yet. I would imagine that she'd be okay with it, since she's friends with you, but I don't want to take a chance," Justin said, wondering what his cousin's reaction was going to be.

Brian felt as if he was getting deeper into something that was none of his business. Lindsay and Justin were hiding who they were from each other, when they really had a lot in common. He was going to have to talk to Lindsay and get her to open up to Justin soon. Maybe he'd use Ben's party as an excuse to talk to Justin.

"Well, it's up to you, but I can assure you that she will be more understanding then you think," Brian replied as he started the jeep and pulled away.

They drove back to Lindsay's in a comfortable silence, each one lost in thought. Brian pulled up to the curb a few houses down in case Lindsay was home. He wanted to be able to taste Justin one last time and didn't want to take a chance of having Lindsay looking out the window.

"I had a really good time tonight, Brian. Thank you," Justin said as he turned to look at Brian.

"Your welcome. I had a good time, too." I am turning into a lesbian, Brian thought to himself. "What time do you want to go shopping tomorrow?"

"Well, I promised Lindsay that I would help he clean the house in the morning, so how about after lunch? Around 1:00?"

"That sounds good. I have a little laundry to do. I can't wait until the day when I make enough money to hire a cleaning lady. I hate laundry," Brian said with a chuckle.

Justin laughed at Brian's statement. "I guess I better get going."

Brian reached a hand behind Justin's neck and pulled him in for a kiss. This time there was nothing gentle about it. Their desire was evident as they came together with a passion that startled them both. Justin parted his lips, allowing Brian to thrust his tongue inside. They continued to devour each other until Brian's cell phone rang, bringing them both back to reality.

"Hello?" Brian answered breathlessly.

"Brian? Did I interrupt something? You sound as if your out of breath," Michael asked.

"Yeah, I just had to run out to the store and left my phone in the jeep. I was just getting back when I heard it ring. What did you want, Mikey?" Brian asked, groaning inside at his lame explanation.

"Oh...well, I was just calling to see if I could persuade you to come out," Michael explained, confused by Brian's attitude.

"I came out years ago, Mikey. You know that," Brian teased.

"Not like that, asshole. We're at Babylon, remember? Why don't you come join us for a bit?"

"Yeah, sure. I'll be there soon," Brian agreed, knowing that he would need to find a trick to relieve the pressure that had been building in his groin ever since he picked Justin up earlier.

"Cool, see you soon!" Michael exclaimed, happy that his friend agreed to come out.

Brian closed his phone and looked at Justin. "Sorry about that, now where were we?"

"Right here," Justin replied, boldly taking Brian into another kiss. This one didn't last quite as long, with Justin pulling away first. "I think I better go. Your friends are waiting."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. Good night, Justin."

"Good night, Brian. Thanks again," Justin replied before jumping out of the jeep and walking the short distance to Lindsay's house.

Brian watched him walk away and knew he needed to get to Babylon soon. His arousal was almost painful, and since Justin wasn't an option at the moment, he needed to find someone to fill the void. He just hoped he could find someone to replace the blond he just left behind, although deep down he didn't really think that was possible.

The next morning Justin was helping Lindsay clean and was surprised when Lindsay asked him what his plans were for the day.

"Uh...Brian's going to take me shopping for some new clothes. I need them for work," Justin explained.

"Justin, I would have taken you shopping if you needed to go. All you had to do was ask."

"I know, Linds. Thanks, but Brian offered. I think he's worried about being embarrassed since he recommended me for the job," Justin said quickly. He knew that wasn't the case, but he couldn't think of anything else to say.

"I doubt that's it, but if he offered, it's just as well. Brian's always had excellent taste when it came to his clothes. Listen, there's something I've been wanting to talk to you about. How about we take a break and have some tea?" Lindsay asked, making her way to the kitchen.

"Sure," Justin replied, curiously. "Is something wrong?"

"Oh, no. I just wanted to ask you if you wanted to go to my friend Michael's party on Friday night. It's a surprise party for our friend Ben. Brian's going to be there, so it's not as if you won't know anyone, and this way you can meet the gang," Lindsay explained.

"Yeah! That sounds great!" Justin exclaimed, thrilled that Lindsay as finally going to introduce him to her friends. He was beginning to think she had been avoiding them because of him and didn't want to keep her from her friends.

"Good, but there's something I think you should know before the party and if it changes your mind about going, just let me know, okay?"

Justin looked at her in confusion, but nodded his head in response.

"Justin, most of my friends are...gay. Even Brian. I know I should have told you before, but I know how Uncle Craig was and since you were his son, I didn't know how you would feel about that. If you're uncomfortable with it all, I will understand. I just didn't want you to find out after we got there and feel out of place," Lindsay said quickly.

"Lindsay, my Dad was entitled to his opinions, but it doesn't mean that I have to agree with them. Besides, what about you? Your parents are exactly equal rights activists either, and you are accepting," Justin pointed out.

"That's different, Justin."

"Why is that different?"

"Because I'm gay, too," Lindsay replied quietly. She held her breath, waiting for his reaction.

Justin was shocked. Of all the things he expected her to say, that was not one of them. He wondered if the rest of the family knew, but then realized that it was probably the reason she seemed to stop coming around for family gatherings. It all made sense then. His father's reaction to his questions about where his cousin was, her sudden disappearance from his life. He wanted to open up to her and share his secret, too, but he wasn't ready for that just yet, so all he could do was let her know that he was okay with it all. He must have taken too long to respond, because he heard Lindsay speak again, nervousness in her voice.

"I'm sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, and if you would feel more comfortable staying with my parents, I'm sure something can be arranged."

"No! I'm sorry, Lindsay. I didn't mean for you to think that I wasn't okay with everything. I guess I'm just a little surprised, that's all. You are who you are, and I love you no matter what. Your being gay doesn't change anything," Justin replied, feeling guilty for keeping his discovery to himself. He vowed to tell her as soon as he had a little more time to adjust to it all.

"Are you sure?"

"Absolutely. Now where's my tea?" He asked with a smile.

Lindsay hugged him tight, then made them their tea. She was happy that she had come clean with him and that he was okay with it all. It would also make it easier when Melanie moved in and told him that she was gay, too. Now all she had to do was introduce him to the family and hope they didn't scare him away. She smiled at the thought.

Justin couldn't believe how lucky he was that his mother arranged for him to live with Lindsay. It eased his nerves to know that when the time was right to come out to everyone, he would be accepted. His life really seemed to be working out pretty well. He just wished he could push away the nagging suspicion that somewhere down the line, the other shoe was going to drop.


End of part 8
2/18/04

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