Healing the Heart

Chapter 4

Brian woke up on Sunday morning completely exhausted. He had spent most of the night tossing and turning, trying to get thoughts of Justin out of his head. What the hell was wrong with him, anyway? Justin was a kid, a straight kid no less, although Brian was beginning to have his doubts about that. Most seventeen year old boys had at least one girlfriend in their past, and Justin admitted to having none. Maybe it was just wishful thinking on his part. Could he possibility want the kid to be gay? "This is ridicules," Brian said to the empty apartment. The kid may be nice on the eyes, but he was still under age and way to mixed up to get involved with anyway. He pushed those thoughts aside and headed for the shower, needing to keep himself busy so he didn't have time to think about Justin.

After he was dressed, Brian sat down at his computer and started working on a campaign he was trying to get up and running. Work was always his safe haven, even when he was young and only had his homework to do. It had always kept him out of Jack's hair and away from his fists. When the phone rang a while later, Brian was surprised to see that it was after 2:00.

"Hello?"

"Brian, it's me. I need a big favor. Could you stay here with Justin for a few days? I just got a call from my college roommate. You remember Christy, don't you? Her fiancé just called off the wedding and she's a mess. She had moved to Massachusetts to be with him and now she's all alone up there. She needs me to drive up and help her pack. I promise to be back as soon as I can," Lindsay explained

So much for not thinking about Justin. "Lindsay, doesn't she have any family to call? You have your hands full with Justin, don't you?"

"No, there's no one else she can call. Her parents are away for a couple of weeks on a second honeymoon. As for Justin, you said yourself that he doesn't need me right now. I know it's a lot to ask, but I don't have anyone else. I would ask Debbie, but she still doesn't know what happened to him, and it's not like you really have to watch him. I just need you to stay here at night just incase something happens. Please Brian," Lindsay begged.

Brian knew there was no way he would be able to say no. He not only wanted to help Lindsay, but he also wanted to help Justin and didn't want the kid to be dragged to Massachusetts under the circumstances. He just needed to keep his distance a little until whatever he was beginning to feel for the boy went away.

"Alright Lindsay, I'll do it. Just let me pack up some clothes and my laptop and I'll head over," Brian replied, mentally making a checklist of what he needed.

"Thanks, Brian. Take your time. It's not like Justin needs someone to watch over him every minute. I just don't want him here alone all night long. I'll call you tomorrow, and I owe you one," Lindsay said, hanging up the phone.

"You owe me more than one," Brian said to the dead line, wondering what he got himself into.

Justin was sitting on the couch staring out the window, which was becoming his favorite place in the house, when Brian showed up.

"Hey," Brian said as he walked through the door.

"Hey Brian. I'm sorry about this. I told Lindsay that you had more important things to do than to baby sit some stupid teenager, but she refused to leave me here alone. She's probably worried that I'll steal the silverware," Justin replied, not even trying to hide his sarcasm.

"I doubt if that's the reason, especially since I know for a fact that she paid 14.99 for the set, I didn't have anything else to do, and you are not some stupid teenager. Now, is there anything else, or can I go put my things away?" Brian replied, dryly. He wasn't going to let Justin feel sorry for himself.

Justin was startled by Brian's reply, so all he could do was say, "No, that's it," and watch him walk away.

Brian made his way downstairs about a half hour later to find Justin in his usual spot in front of the window. He began to feel bad about the way he responded earlier and wanted to apologize.

"Hey, I'm sorry about before. I guess my mind was just on other things. I have this new campaign I'm trying to get off the ground and I seem to be at a loss for ideas," Brian explained, knowing that he wasn't lying. He had spent all afternoon trying to come up with something brilliant, but failed miserably.

"What's the product? Maybe I can help?" Justin asked, wanting to be able to help Brian after all that he had done for him.

"It's a new perfume line coming out and I can't seem to get the right slogan. It's hard to imagine without having my art team there to put my ideas on paper to look at. I'll just wait until tomorrow and see if they can help."

"I can help you do that. I can draw pretty good," Justin offered with a smile. He really did want to help, and he still loved drawing, even though his father made him give it up when he had suggested going to art school instead of business school.

Brian watched a small light appear in Justin's eyes at the offer and figured it wouldn't hurt to let him try to help. "Okay, let me get my briefcase and we'll see what we can come up with."

Justin raced downstairs and grabbed one of his old sketch books. He hadn't looked through them in awhile, but he never got rid of them. Finding one that he hadn't used yet, he went back to the living room and waited for Brian.

They sat down together and Justin listened while Brian described what he thought he wanted to see. After Brian was done Justin began to draw. It felt so good to him to be putting something down on paper again that it didn't even matter that he didn't have the right tools to produce it properly. He just used what he had and put everything into it while he watched Brian's ideas take shape on the page.

Brian watched Justin drawing and couldn't help but notice the serious look he had on his face. He wished he could see the drawing and knew that he was going to have to gush over it no matter what it looked like. The boy was putting so much effort into it that he didn't want to hurt his feelings. About twenty minutes later, Justin looked up for the first time, as if suddenly realizing where he was.

"Now this isn't perfect since I had to use a pencil, but it should give you an idea of how it would look like if a professional did it," Justin explained, suddenly a little shy about showing Brian his work.

"I know. I appreciate your help, though," Brian replied, taking the page from him. He looked down and was shocked by what he saw. There on the page was exactly what Brian wanted to see in the ad. Justin had drawn his idea perfectly and his talent was overwhelming. He wasn't even sure how to comment.

"I know it's not the greatest, but it should at least help you out a bit," Justin replied nervously.

"Justin, this is incredible! You managed to capture exactly what I wanted to be shown. I can't believe how talented you are. Have you ever taken art lessons?" Brian asked in awe.

"No, it's just a hobby I used to have. I haven't really been drawing in the last couple of years," Justin admitted, blushing at the complement.

"Why not? You obviously have a huge talent here. You should try to develop it into something more," Brian encouraged, noticing a dark shadow cloud Justin's eyes.

"That's alright. It's not something I'm into anymore. What are we going to do about dinner?" Justin asked, changing the subject.

Brian noticed that Justin seemed uncomfortable taking about his art so he decided to let the subject drop for the time being and wait until later to bring it up again. "Wanna order Chinese?"

"That sounds good. I'll go get the menu," Justin offered, heading towards the kitchen.

By 9:00, they were both lounging in front of the TV in sweats, watching the end of a really bad movie. It was a horrible plotline and the actors were bad. They kept it on to the end and continued to make fun of it through the whole thing.

"I can't believe someone actually produced that shit. I don't think I've ever seen anything so bad in my life," Brian said, turning the TV off. He wanted to see if he could get Justin to talk to him.

"I know! They probably made a fortune writing that shit, too," Justin replied, appalled by the movie.

"Justin, can we talk?"

Justin didn't like the sound of Brian's question, but nodded his head in approval.

"I noticed a change in you earlier when we were talking about your art. Why did you stop drawing?" Brian asked quietly.

"My...my father flipped out when I told him that I wanted to go to art school instead of Dartmouth. He had gone there, so he felt that I should, too. He...umm...he told me he had better not find me drawing again or..." Justin stopped, not wanting to continue with the rest.

"Or what?" Brian felt his blood begin to boil because he knew what would come next. He knew from his own past what happened when someone didn't do what their father told them to. "Justin, you can tell me. I'll understand, believe me."

Justin looked at Brian and could see understanding in his eyes. It made him want to talk. To finally open up to someone about what he had lived through. He briefly thought about the promise he'd made to his mother about keeping family secrets, but he knew it didn't matter anymore. She was gone now, and nothing could hurt her anymore. He looked down at his hands and said softly, "or he'd break some more of my ribs."

Even though Brian knew what to expect, he couldn't help the gut wrenching feeling he got at hearing Justin admit what happened. He knew he needed to share a part of his past, if only to make Justin feel like he wasn't alone. "My old man told me once that if I forgot to take out the trash again, he would break my other arm."

Justin's head shot up at Brian's words. He couldn't believe that this man that was sitting in front of him could have possibly lived through what he did. "You mean...your father used to...hurt you?"

"Every chance he got. Usually it was after he had been out drinking with his buddies, but sometimes it was because I woke up in the morning," Brian replied sarcastically, once again hating his father.

"But you didn't have a mother to..."

"To kiss it and make it all better? No, I didn't, but that's one of the reasons he liked beating on me. It's my fault my mother died," Brian admitted, wondering why he was sharing so much information. Justin seemed to make him want to open up. Only Lindsay and Mikey knew anything about his childhood, and now Justin would, too.

"What do you mean it was your fault? What happened?" Justin asked, his curiosity running high.

"Well, we were having a party in school for Valentine's Day. My teacher had asked me to bring in the juice. I forgot to tell my mother while we were food shopping, so the night before the party she had to run out to the store. While she was on her way home, a drunk driver ran a red light and slammed into her car. She was pronounced dead on the scene. I'll never forget the words my father said to me that night when he got home from the hospital," Brian said, staring off into space as if reliving the night in his head.

"What did he say?" Justin let the question slip out before realizing that it was none of his business. "I mean, you don't have to tell me. I just..."

"He said, 'Are you happy now? Your mother is gone because you were too stupid to tell her you needed something for school.' It took me a couple of hours to figure out what he meant about her being gone. Once all her church friends heard the news, they raced over to the house to help the family in need. I asked one of them where my mother had gone, and they sat me down and explained that she had gone to heaven, and I wouldn't be able to see her again..." Brian was unable to go on. Even after all these years, it still hurt to know that he was the reason his mother had died.

"Brian! What your father said to you was horrible. You weren't responsible for your mother dying," Justin assured him, trying to offer comfort.

"And neither are you," Brian replied, looking up into Justin's eyes.

"I never said I was,"

"But you think you are, don't you?"

"That's different, Brian. I never should have left my mother home alone with him that day. She was leaving him for me. She said she was tired of watching him hurt me, and had to find a way to make him stop. I told her that I was okay with it, but she wouldn't listen to me. I wanted to stay with her while she told him, but she wouldn't let me. She insisted that she would be alright and I listened to her," Justin explained, feeling the tears building behind his eyes.

"That's because she loved you and wanted to protect you. If you were there, he might have hurt you, too," Brian replied, unable to even think about what could have happened. Justin might have been buried right along with them.

"Would that have been so bad? At least I wouldn't be living through this nightmare! At least it wouldn't hurt anymore!" Justin exclaimed, not caring about the tears that had begun to fall.

Brian stood up and took Justin in his arms, offering him comfort as best as he could. He hated bringing everything to the surface, but knew that Justin needed to talk to someone about what had happened. He continued to hold the boy, while waiting for the tears to subside.

After a few moments, Justin pulled back, drying his eyes with his hands. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to break down like that. My father always said I cried like a fairy."

Brian winced at Justin's father's words, but didn't respond to them. Instead, he said, "It's okay to let it out once and awhile, but you have to stop feeling guilty. It wasn't your fault, you know."

"Yeah, it wasn't yours, either. I'm going to go to bed. I'm exhausted," Justin said, needing to be alone for awhile.

"Yeah, me too. I'll see you tomorrow after work. Is it okay if I bring your drawing to work with me? I want to show it to the art department and see if they can reproduce it," Brian explained.

"Sure, I drew it for you. Good night, Brian, and thanks." Justin quickly walked away, ready to shut himself in for the night.

Brian watched him walk away, noticing for the first time the perfect ass the kid had. God, he was in trouble. He headed upstairs to bed, hoping to be able to fall asleep with all the thoughts he had running through his mind. He should have known that sleep wouldn't come easily. He tossed and turned, thinking not only about Justin's childhood, but also his own. He wondered what gave fathers the right to beat on their kids. It's not like any of them asked to be born. By 2:00 am he realized that sleep wasn't going to be an option. He called Ryder's voicemail and left him a message saying that he was sick and wouldn't be in for work in the morning. Someone in the benefits department was always complaining to him that he hadn't taking any sick time and needed to start using some, so he figured this would be the perfect time. He made his way downstairs for a drink when he heard something coming from the basement. He slowly walked over to the door and could hear the faint sound of someone screaming. With his heart racing, he opened the door and ran downstairs to see Justin thrashing around in bed, obviously in the middle of a nightmare. Not knowing what to do, he shook Justin gently, trying to wake him up.

"Justin...Justin...wake up."

Justin woke up in a cold sweat. Tears were streaming down his face and he knew he had been dreaming again, only this time it was different. This time he had gotten home earlier and he watched his father pull the trigger. In his mind he imagined what he would have seen if he had been there. He saw his mother fall to the ground, then watched as his father turned the gun on him, ready to kill him, too. It had seemed so real and he was terrified. It took him a moment to realize that he wasn't alone.

"Justin? Are you alright?" Brian asked quietly.

"I don't know. I was there, Brian. I was there and he was going to kill me, too," Justin cried, unable to stop the tears. He knew it was silly, that it was only a dream, but he couldn't shake off the feelings that were running through him. He felt Brian sit down on his bed, and for some reason it seemed to comfort him a bit.

Brian sat on the bed, once again taking Justin in his arms. It had nothing to do with the growing attraction he had for him. He could see how distraught Justin was and wanted to calm him down. It tore Brian apart to see Justin so upset. "Shhh...it'll be okay. I'm right here, and nothing's going to hurt you."

"Will you stay here with me for awhile? Just until I fall back asleep?" Justin asked, hating that he sounded like a child.

"I'll be here for as long as you need me," Brian replied, leaning against the headboard with Justin in his arms. He felt Justin begin to relax in his arms and was thankful that he was able to help. The poor kid needed someone to lean on and Brian wasn't going to let him down.


End of part 4
2/7/04

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