Healing the Heart

Chapter 12

Justin stood there shocked by Lindsay’s reaction to what she had walked in on. It never occurred to him that she would be upset by the news or by his seeing Brian. Apparently he underestimated her.

“Lindsay, I’m sorry I never said anything to you before, but I just needed time to get used to the fact that I’m gay. You know how my father was. I spent the last few years trying to convince myself that I wasn’t gay because I knew my Dad would disown me and throw me out if he knew. I had to spend my time with him listening to him make fag jokes and sit back while he actually fired someone for a bullshit reason just because he was gay. Coming out to myself was hard enough, but to tell other people was just too scary. I just wanted to wait until the time felt right.” Justin admitted, trying to ease the anger he saw in Lindsay’s face.

“Justin, you don’t have to explain this to me. I know how hard it is to come out, remember? I wish you felt like you could come to me, especially after you found out that I understood completely,” Lindsay said softly, referring to her coming out to him. “But sweetie, what are you doing with Brian?”

“Lindsay, he’s been good to me. He’s helped me so much since I moved here. It was nice to have a guy to talk to, especially someone like me. I feel like I can be myself with him, and that’s exactly what I needed. I really…” Justin stopped, looking over at Brian before continuing, “care about him.”

Brian looked over at Justin and couldn’t help but smile at the boy. If he was honest with himself, he would have to admit that he cared about him, too. That thought terrified him, but at the same time it warmed his heart. His thoughts were interrupted by Lindsay’s words.

“I’m sure you do, Justin, but Brian is not the person you should be getting involved with. He doesn’t do love and relationships. He does anonymous sex and one night stands. He’s only going to hurt you in the end,” Lindsay replied, casting an evil glare at Brian.

“Lindsay! How can you say that? After everything he’s done for me, how can you be so cruel?” Justin had to work at holding back his emotions.

“I’m not being cruel, I’m being honest. Brian’s not…”

”Excuse me, but I’m right here, remember? So stop talking about me like I’m not in the room,” Brian barked, unable to hold back anymore. “So, what are you saying exactly, Linds? That I’m not good enough for Justin?”

“Yes! That’s exactly what I’m saying! I can’t believe that you would do something like this. I asked you to help him out a little while he was so lost. Not take advantage of him and use him like a play toy. If I had known you would stoop so low, I would never have asked you to help. I trusted you and look what you’ve done!” Lindsay yelled, her anger growing with each word.

Brian was stunned. Lindsay was the one person who had always believed in him, in the good qualities that she claimed he had. Now here she was, turning her back on him just like everyone else in his life had done at some point.

“You know what, Linds? Fuck you!” Brian exclaimed, heading for the door.

“Brian! Wait!” Justin called, running after the man he loved.

“Forget it, Justin. Lindsay is right. You are better off without me. Take care of yourself,” Brian said softly.

“Brian, please don’t do this. I need you. Don’t walk away from me,” Justin pleaded, unable to hold back the tears.

Brian turned around and looked deep into Justin’s eyes, fighting to hold back his own emotions. It took everything in his power to keep from pulling the kid in his arms, wanting to hold on forever. He leaned down and placed a soft kiss on Justin’s lips, trying to draw strength from them.

“I’m sorry,” Brian whispered before turning and walking away.

Justin cried as he watched Brian walk to his jeep and drive away. His heart was breaking and he was actually having trouble breathing when he felt a hand on his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me! How could you do that? How could you make Brian feel like he was doing something wrong? Like he wasn’t good enough for me? Knowing all that he’s been through in his life, how could you hurt him like that?” Justin yelled, storming into the house.

“Justin, I’m sorry, but it’s for the best. After all that has happened to you, I don’t want to see you hurt again. I’m trying to protect you,” Lindsay explained.

“You don’t want to see me hurt? That’s a laugh! What do you think it’s doing to me, watching Brian walk away like that?”

“Brian will be fine, Justin, trust me. You don’t know him like I do.”

“You’re right, but you don’t know him like I do. You don’t know about all that he’s done for me. The nights I would wake up from a nightmare and call him so he could comfort me. The times he would blow off his friends just because he knew I was upset. You know nothing about our relationship and you had no right to interfere. You know what? Forget Melanie coming back to the states. I’m going to call her tomorrow and let her know that I’m going to move to Europe with her,” Justin said, heading to his room.

“Justin, you don’t mean that,” Lindsay stated softly.

“Yes I do. Without Brian, there’s nothing left for me here,” he replied sadly, walking away without looking back.

Lindsay sat on the couch, replaying what had just happened. Could she have been wrong about Brian? Was it possible that he did care about Justin? All of the sudden she was consumed with guilt. She had been so worried about Justin that she refused to see the possibility that maybe there was something between them. Then the guilt set in. She was Brian’s friend, had been for years. She thought back to the look on his face when she was running her mouth and knew she had hurt him. Somehow she managed to hurt the two people she cared about most, and that thought shook her to the core. Glancing over at Justin’s door, she knew what she had to do. She had to go find Brian and find out exactly what his intentions were. She had to find a way to make things right again, otherwise she would lose them both.

She had already knocked on Brian’s door three times and was just getting ready to give up when the door opened to reveal a very angry Brian on the other side.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” she asked tentatively.

Brian rolled his eyes and sighed, but took a step back for her to enter.

“”I thought you were done tearing me a new asshole. Did you come here to finish the job?” Brian asked sarcastically as he picked up his glass of beam.

Lindsay took a good look at Brian and immediately saw how much what she had said hurt him. She knew that she needed to apologize for the hurtful things she said, but then she looked into his eyes and saw something there that stopped her in mid-thought. Brian had a sadness in his eyes that she never saw before. A sadness that came from something more than what she had said to him, and she suddenly knew that Brian did indeed care about Justin. Could it be possible that Justin had somehow managed to make his way into Brian’s heart?

“You love him, don’t you?” she blurted out.

“Come on, Linds…this is me you’re talking about. You know I don’t believe…”

“Cut the crap, Kinney. Just tell me the truth,” Lindsay pleaded, needing to hear him say the words.

“It doesn’t matter how I feel, remember? He’s too good for me. You said so yourself. I was only using him as a play toy,” Brian replied dryly.

“Brian, I’m sorry about what I said before. I was just upset. I love Justin dearly and I don’t want to see him get hurt again. He’s been hurt enough already, don’t you think?”

“You think I don’t know that? I’m the one who’s been comforting him through the last few weeks. I’m the one who gets the phone calls in the middle of the night with him sobbing on the other end, wanting to know why his father didn’t just kill him, too. I’m the one who’s been there for him and cared for him, while he was trying to figure out who he is and where he goes next. So don’t you stand there and ask me if I think he’s been hurt enough! I know exactly how hurt he’s been and there’s no way I would ever add to his pain!” Brian exclaimed, downing the rest of his drink.

“You do love him,” Lindsay gasped in realization.

Brian just looked at her, ready to deny her accusation, but he knew that he couldn’t. As he walked away from Justin earlier, his heart breaking with each step, he knew without a doubt that he loved the blond. All he could do was shrug his shoulders and pour himself another drink.

“Brian, I am so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never even suspected that you might have feelings for him. You’ve always talked about how you didn’t believe in love,” Lindsay explained, feeling ashamed of herself.

“Yeah, well things change; people change,”

“Come on, let’s go,” Lindsay said, grabbing Brian by the hand.

“What? Go where?”

“There’s a certain blond out there who needs you right now.”

“Forget it, Linds. You were right, he is too good for me. I would only bring him down, hold him back. He’s better off without me,” Brian said, pulling from her grasp.

“No, I was wrong. I was just reacting to what I saw without looking at the bigger picture. I jumped to conclusions based on what I thought I knew. You both care about each other. That’s all that matters,” Lindsay said softly.

“He’s barely eighteen years old. He’s too young to know what he wants or what he feels. Maybe it’s better this way.”

“After everything that he’s been through I think age is irrelevant. He knows how he feels about you, believe me on that one. He’s planning on moving to Europe with Melanie,” Lindsay admitted sadly.

“He’s what?!”

“He said that without you, there’s nothing here for him anymore. I haven’t seen him that upset since I picked him up in Philadelphia all those weeks ago. You have to go to him and tell him how you feel.”

Brian tried to absorb what Lindsay was saying. He never thought Justin would run away.

“What if I can’t do it? What if I can’t give him what he needs?” Brian asked quietly.

“Brian, I’m asking you again. Do you love him?”

Brian knew it was now or never. “Yes.”

“Then you have to tell him. You have to go to him before it’s too late and you lose him. We all lose him,” Lindsay replied, taking him by the hand again. This time Brian didn’t pull away. He just grabbed his keys off the counter and allowed Lindsay to lead him out the door.

Justin was lying on his bed, lost in thought. He had finally been able to stop the tears, but there was nothing he could do about the pain in his chest right where his heart used to be. He had thought that Brian had cared about him, maybe even loved him, but now he had to wonder if maybe it was just wishful thinking. He obviously couldn’t care too much if he could just walk away like he did. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it had been over an hour since Brian had walked away from him. The longest hour of his life, and Justin didn’t know how he was going to get through the rest of the days ahead of him. As much as he tried to fight it, telling himself that Brian would never love him, Justin had fallen in love and now it was all gone. He had nothing left. His world was shattered once again, and he had to wonder what he ever did to deserve such heartache in his life. He rose from the bed and walked over to his desk, where he had his favorite sketch of Brian hanging on the wall. He stood there staring, while silent tears started falling again and never heard his door open.

“Hey,” Brian said in almost a whisper.

Justin spun around, startled to hear Brian’s voice. “Hey.”

“I need you to do me a favor,” Brian said with a small smile.

“Oh yeah, what’s that?” Justin replied, his heart racing in his chest.

“I need you to forgive me for walking away from you. With everything that Lindsay was saying, I guess a part of me thought that she was right. That I wasn’t good enough for you,” Brian admitted as he slowly approached him.

“What does the other part think?” Justin asked tentatively.

“The other part thinks that what Lindsay thinks doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is what you think,” Brian said closing the gap between them. “So, what do you think?”

“I think we’re perfect for each other,” Justin said, reaching his hand behind Brian’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss.

Brian returned Justin’s kiss with all the love he had to give, hoping that it would be enough for now. After a few moments he pulled back and looked into Justin’s eyes before speaking.

“I might fuck up occasionally.”

“I might, too,” Justin replied with a smile.

“I might unintentionally hurt you,” Brian admitted.

“I’ll take my chances,” Justin said softly.

“What if I can’t give you what you need?”

“Brian, you are what I need. As long as you are with me, I’ll be just fine,” Justin assured him.

Neither one of them said another word. They just lost themselves in their passion for each other, willing to let the future take care of itself.



Epilogue: 4 years later


Brian sat in the audience, waiting for the graduation ceremony to begin. He couldn’t believe that it had been over four years since he had met Justin. So many things had changed in that time, that every so often Brian had to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming.

After the night that Lindsay found them together their relationship took on a whole new meaning. Justin officially came out to the gang and Brian let them all know that he and Justin were together. They teased him for awhile about being off the market and in a relationship, but he just laughed it off and pretty soon everyone stopped the jokes. Justin continued to live with Lindsay, even though he spent most nights with Brian. He even helped Brian pick out a loft last month when he had gotten promoted to partner at work and felt he deserved a nicer place to live. He would be helping him move in over the weekend.

Brian’s thoughts were interrupted when the ceremony began, and he looked on with pride as Justin was handed his diploma. After everything he had survived, Justin deserved the life he was about to begin. Their years together hadn’t always been easy, and Brian had done his fair share of screwing up, but they were closer than ever and their future seemed bright.

Once they ceremony was over, everyone gathered back at Lindsay’s house to celebrate Justin’s big day.

“Baby, I’m so proud of you. What’s next? Are you going to be taking the art world by storm?” Emmett asked, wrapping an arm around Justin’s shoulders.

“Maybe one day, but for now I’m happy with my new position at Ryder. Assistant art director isn’t bad for someone who just graduated from college,” Justin replied, smiling with joy.

He spent the early morning wishing that his mother was there to see all that he accomplished, but he refused to let anything cloud his day. He was proud of the life he had made for himself and wasn’t going to let anything take that away from him. Suddenly Brian appeared, pulling Justin out of Emmett’s arms and into his own.

“Hey J, would you like to step outside with me for a moment. I got a little something for you,” Brian whispered.

Justin was thrilled to follow Brian anywhere. Even through all their hard times, one thing always remained the same. Justin loved Brian unconditionally and would follow him to the end of the earth if asked.

Once they were alone out in the back, Brian placed a soft kiss on Justin’s lips.

“You did good, Justin,” Brian replied, beaming with pride.

“Thanks Brian, but I couldn’t have done it without you,” Justin replied honestly. He knew that having Brian’s support was what helped him through the early years and he would always be grateful to him for that.

“Yes you could. I know that when you set your mind to something, nothing stands in you way. This is for you,” Brian offered, handing Justin a small box.

“What is it?” Justin asked, looking at the strangely shaped box.

“Open it and find out, Blondie,” Brian laughed.

Justin quickly opened the box and peered inside, amazed by what he saw. “Is this the key to your loft?”

“No, it’s the key to our loft. That is, if you want it to be,” Brian explained gently.

“Yes!” Justin threw himself into Brian’s arms in excitement. “This is the best present I’ve ever gotten.”

“Me too, Justin, me too.”


The End
5/20/04

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