Going the Distance

Chapter 4

Justin tried to stop his racing heart. Why was Brian there? He was supposed to be three thousand miles away on the other side of the country. So many thoughts were running through his head that he felt dizzy. Tightening his hold on the front door, he forced himself to speak.

“What…are you uh…doing here?”

“I uh…wanted to surprise you,” Brian replied quietly. His mind was playing with all the visions he had about their meeting, but none of this entered into it.

“I guess you’re the one with the surprise, huh?” Justin choked out, trying to make light of the situation.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Tell you what? That I have blond hair?” Justin teased, wishing that somehow he could go back to bed and start the day all over again.

“Justin…”

“What do you want me to say? I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, but I couldn’t. I’ve spent my whole life with everyone around me either feeling sorry for me or walking on eggshells afraid to set me off. Not to mention the people who chose to ignore me because I was different. You didn’t do that. You treated me like I was a normal person. I enjoyed that. I guess I figured that it didn’t matter. That we would never meet face to face so it wouldn’t matter,” Justin explained defensively.

“But it did matter. It does matter. I had a right to know!” Brian exclaimed, trying to hold back his anger to no avail.

“I know,” Justin said softly. “Once I realized that we were becoming friends I knew I should have told you, but by then it was too late. I already lied by omission. I was afraid that if I told you, I would lose your friendship.”

“Well it looks like the outcome was the same either way, doesn’t it,” Brian replied, turning to walk away.

Justin could hear Brian retreating and stepped out on the porch. “So you’re leaving? After all that we shared, you’re just going to walk away because I can’t see?”

Brian spun around in anger. “Your being blind has nothing to do with my leaving. Would I have minded if you told me from the beginning? I don’t know. Truthfully, I don’t know how I would have reacted, but you never gave me the chance. You’ve been lying to me for months. Since day one everything you have said to me was based on lies because you never trusted me enough to see you for who you are. I’m not leaving because you’re blind! I’m leaving because I don’t even know who you are!”

“Brian, please don’t go! Let me explain! Give me a chance to…”

“Sorry…I’m giving you the same chance you gave me. Good bye Justin,” Brian said as he climbed in the car and drove away.

Justin’s knees buckled and he fell to the ground, feeling an emptiness he had never felt before. He thought back to all the times he wanted to tell Brian about his blindness, but chose to keep his secret. All the times Brian was open and honest with him about his family and what he had to endure, while he kept a part of himself locked away where Brian couldn’t see. Now he lost the only person who made him feel alive and knew he had no one to blame but himself.

Brian drove the whole way back to the campus lost in thought. He was amazed when he pulled into the parking lot that he hadn’t gotten into an accident since he knew he hadn’t been paying attention. He brushed away the dampness from his eyes and headed to his room, wanting to climb into bed and forget the day ever happened. He actually wanted to get back on the plane and go back to his old life, still living with the ignorance that everything between him and Justin was solid.

When he entered his room he saw Ben there reading a book. He tossed the keys on the dresser and mumbled a thank you before flopping down on his bed.

“That was fast. Was your friend surprised?” Ben asked with curiosity.

“Not as surprised as I was,” Brian replied dryly. “I think I’m going to try to take a nap. It’s been a long day and I’m beat.”

“Okay…I’ll just go read downstairs in the lounge. I’ll uh, talk to you later,” Ben stammered, noticing Brian’s obvious anger. He left without getting a response.

Brian waited until he heard the door close signaling Ben’s departure before letting out a deep sigh. He had been so excited when he stepped of the plane that morning, looking forward to finally seeing Justin and now it was all gone. The excitement had been replaced by anger and hurt. Everything he knew and planned for his future was now all gone and he wasn’t sure what he was going to do next. He curled up on his side and drifted off to sleep, a lone tear trailing down his face.

Justin wasn’t sure how long he lay on the front porch before he managed to pull himself up and make his way inside. He was thankful that his parents had gone shopping and there was no one around to see the agony that he was sure was on his face. He made his way up to his room and threw himself on this bed, struggling to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall. The phone rang, startling him out of the trance he was in and he reached for it anxiously.

“Brian?”

“Sorry Justin, it’s just me. Are you expecting a call from him?” Daphne asked.

“Not anymore,” Justin sighed, his heart still breaking into a million pieces.

“Justin? What’s wrong? Did something happen?” Daphne questioned, noting Justin’s sadness.

“Let’s just say that I won’t be hearing from Brian again anytime soon. Look Daph, I’ve gotta go. I’ll call you later,” Justin replied, hanging up the phone before Daphne could question him anymore. The last thing he wanted was the third degree from his friend, no matter how much he loved her. He should have known better.

Twenty minutes later Daphne barged into his room without knocking.

“What do you want Daph?”

“How did you know it was me?”

“Please. First of all, my parents knock before coming in. Something you never learned to do. Plus, they are out for the day where as you don’t have a life,” Justin teased, sitting up preparing for the inevitable talk.

“I’m sorry to just barge in but you sounded…Justin, what the hell happened? You look like shit!” she exclaimed, taking in the dark circles under his eyes.

“Brian was here,” Justin relented.

“He was here? How?”

“We didn’t have time to talk about it before he walked away for good. It was terrible. He could tell that I was blind and I don’t think he knew what to say. He wanted to surprise me but he got the bigger surprise. I don’t know why he was here or where he went. All I know is that he was really upset,” Justin explained, trying to keep his emotions in check.

“You mean that asshole walked away because you’re blind?”

“I don’t know. That was never really discussed. He walked away because I didn’t tell him I’m blind. He said that everything I’ve told him has been a lie because I didn’t trust him enough to tell him the truth.”

“Well, he’s right Justin,” Daphne pointed out, her heart aching for her friend.

“I fucking know that!” Justin exclaimed angrily. “Don’t you think I know that? I was scared Daph. When we first started talking, I didn’t think it mattered. I never expected to have a friendship with him. I figured we were just lonely and fooling around on the computer. Once we started becoming close I realized that it was too late. I didn’t want to lose him. I was afraid that if I told him he would just disappear and I’d never hear from him again. Now it seems as if I lost him anyway.”

“Maybe not. Maybe he just needs time to absorb what he learned. If your friendship means anything to him, he’ll see why you did what you did and give you a chance to explain,” she offered, trying to hive Justin hope.

“I don’t think so, Daph. I think he’s gone for good,” Justin cried. “Would you mind leaving? I really want to be alone right now.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll call you tomorrow,” Justin assured her as he curled back up on his bed, covering his head with his pillow.

“Alright, but if I don’t hear from you tomorrow I’m coming back and dragging you out of that bed.”

“Yes dear,” Justin teased sadly.

Daphne watched her friend for a moment wishing there was something she could do for him when she had a thought. She made her way back to her house and reached for the phone. After making another call to information, she recognized the J Kinney that Justin had called the day they’d found Brian. Taking a deep breath, she called that number.

“Hello.”

“Hello, is Brian home,” she asked the woman on the line. She knew he wouldn’t be there but figured she might be able to find out where he was.

“He doesn’t live here anymore,” the voice replied emotionlessly.

“Oh, well my name’s Daphne and I’m a…friend of his. Do you know where I can reach him?”

“He’s gone away to school. I don’t expect him back.”

“School? Do you know where he went?”

“I’m not sure. Mellon or something,”

Daphne had to hold back her anger. Justin had told her how bad Brian’s home life was, but his own mother didn’t even know what college he was going to? Then it hit her. “You mean Carnegie Mellon? In Pittsburgh?”

“Yeah, I think that’s it.”

“Thank you,” Daphne said excitedly before hanging up. If Brian was living in Pittsburgh now, Justin must mean more to him than he thought. Now all she had to do was figure out where he was. She thought about who she might know that was going to Carnegie and realized that she did know someone who was enrolled there.

She reached for the phone again and made another call.

Hello?”

“Hello Mrs. Bruckner. It’s Daphne Chanders. I was wondering if you had a number where I could reach Ben. I really need to talk to him,” she asked, holding her breath.

“Sure Daphne. Hold on while I get it.”

After a few minutes, Daphne hung up and stared at the number in her hand, wondering if she should get involved. Then she thought about how upset Justin was and knew that she would do anything for him. She dialed the number and waited for someone to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, I was wondering if Ben Bruckner was there.”

“No, he’s not here right now.”

“Oh, well can you give him a message for me. Could you tell him to call Daphne? It’s important,” she stressed to the person on the phone.

“I’ll tell him.”

The line went dead before Daphne could say thank you. Now all she had to do was wait for Ben to call back and see if he had heard of a Brian Kinney.

Brian had just hung up the phone when Ben walked back in.

“Sorry to bother you. A couple of us are going to get something to eat and I needed my wallet. Do you want to go with us?” Ben asked.

“No thanks. I’m good,” Brian replied, anxious to be alone again. “Oh, and a girl named Daphne just called. She said it was important. Is she your girlfriend?”

“Daphne? No, she’s a girl I went to school with. We were friends back in grade school, but I haven’t talked to her much lately. I wonder what she wants. I better call her before I go,” Ben said in confusion. He couldn’t figure out what she would be calling him about.

“Well, I’m going to take a shower so you can have some privacy,” Brian replied heading towards the shower.

Ben dialed her number, surprised that he still remembered it.

“Hello?”

“Daphne, its Ben. My roommate said you called. Is everything okay?”

“Hey Ben, I’m sorry to bother you, but I need a favor. Do you happen to know if there’s a Brian Kinney enrolled there?”

“Actually there is. He’s my roommate. How do you know Brian?” Ben knew that Brian was from California and was surprised that Daphne would even know him.

“Your roommate? The one who answered the phone?”

“That’s him. Did you need to talk to him? I can grab him before he gets in the shower,” Ben offered, his curiosity growing.

“That’d be great, Ben. Thanks.”

Ben put the phone down and knocked on the bathroom door. “Brian?”

Brian came out wrapped in a towel. “Yeah?”

Ben had to bite his tongue to keep from drooling at the site of his new friend in nothing but a towel. “Uh, apparently my friend Daphne was trying to reach you. She’s waiting to talk to you.”

“But I don’t even know…” Then it hit him. Daphne was the name of Justin’s best friend. He thought about refusing to take the call, but a part of him couldn’t say no. “Thanks. I guess I’ll see you when you get back,” he said, dismissing Ben. He didn’t want to have the conversation in front of his roommate. He had no intentions of being in the closet, but didn’t want to out himself on his first day there.

“Yeah, I guess I’ll see you later,” Ben replied, realizing he was being dismissed.

Once Ben was gone, Brian sat on his bed and slowly picked up the phone.

“So you’re the famous Daphne,” Brian said quietly.

“Cut the shit, Kinney! How could you do this to Justin? I thought you were friends! I thought he meant something to you!” Daphne exclaimed, unable to hold back.

“I thought we were too, until I found out that he’s been lying to me ever since I met him,” Brian replied sadly.

“Did you even give him a chance to explain? To tell you why he never told you about himself? No, of course you didn’t! Did it ever occur to you that that’s the reason he didn’t tell you? Because he knew you would run away from him and his disability?”

“That’s not why…”

“Please Brian! If he lied to you about how tall he was, you never would have hurt him like you did. Justin has spent his whole life dealing with people who couldn’t handle his blindness. He’s been teased and mistreated for years. Now he finally found someone who liked him for who he was. Can you blame him for not saying anything?”

“Well, that’s a shame, but it doesn’t change the fact that he lied to me,”

“Get over yourself, Brian. He lied to himself for all these months, too, because during all those IM sessions and during every phone call he was able to believe that he was just a normal teenager with a normal life. He also told himself that your friendship was real. That it was important to both of you. Obviously he was wrong since you took off and left him broken hearted.”

“What do you want from me?” Brian sighed, beginning to feel guilty for the way he turned his back on Justin.

“It’s not about what I want. It’s about you and what matters to you. Justin is the greatest person I know and if you let him go from your life, you will be the one who misses out on knowing him!” Daphne yelled before hanging up on Brian.

Brian stared at the phone before hanging up and heading back to the shower. He stood under the hot spray and thought about the breathtaking blond that he’d seen earlier. Could he forgive him for lying all this time? Was their friendship that important that he could at least give him a chance to explain for himself why he never told Brian the truth? More importantly, could he overlook the blindness? He thought back over the last ten months and realized just how important Justin had become to him. Did he really want to give that up?

By the time he dried off and got dressed, he knew that he had to at least call Justin and talk to him. He needed to hear his voice and know that he was okay. With a shaky hand he dialed Justin’s number.

“Hello?” Justin answered sleepily. He had finally cried himself to sleep when the phone rang.

“Justin,” Brian half whispered into the phone.

Justin was suddenly wide awake. “Brian?”

“Yeah. I uh…I’m sorry for the way I acted earlier. I guess the surprise really was on me,” Brian chuckled in nervousness.

“No, I’m the one who’s sorry. I should have told you from the beginning. I didn’t mean to lie to you. I just didn’t think…”

“It’s okay, Justin. Daphne explained everything to me.”

“Daphne?”

“Yeah, you have a very persuasive friend in her.”

Justin couldn’t help but laugh. Take it to Daphne to track Brian down and talk to him. “I’m guessing that she gave you a piece of her mind.”

“You got it,” Brian laughed, thinking about the way she yelled at him. “Listen, I don’t have a car at the moment, but when my roommate gets back how about I borrow his and come get you? We can go somewhere and talk.”

“Roommate? Brian, where are you?”

“Well, that was my surprise. I’m a student at Carnegie Mellon now.”

“You moved here? To Pittsburgh?” Justin asked incredulously.

“Yeah, I have a really good friend here and since I was leaving California anyway, I thought I’d look him up,” Brian teased.

Justin took the information in and couldn’t help but smile. Brian had moved across the country to be closer to him. He couldn’t help but wonder what that meant. He was lost in thought and didn’t realize that he never answered Brian’s question.

“So, do you want me to pick you up?”

“Yeah, that would be great.”

“Okay, Ben should be back in a couple of hours. He went out to get something to eat with the guys.”

“Alright. And Brian, I really am sorry…”

“Don’t worry about it now. We’ll talk later. See you in a bit.”

“Okay, bye Brian.”

Justin hung up the phone and called Daphne.

“Hello?”

“I love you, you interfering little bitch!”

“I take it that Brian called?”

“Yeah, he’s going to pick me up once his roommate comes back and he can borrow his car.”

“That’s great, Justin. I was hoping he would see things my way. Just do me a favor? Be honest with him. Tell him how you feel.”

“I will, Daph. And thanks. I owe you one,” Justin said softly.

“One? You owe me a hell of a lot more than one,” Daphne laughed before turning serious. “Good luck, Justin.”

“Thanks,” he replied. He hung up the phone and lay back on his bed, mentally going over what he planned to say when Brian arrived. He was getting a second chance and he wanted to make sure he didn’t make another mistake.


End of part 4
6/13/04

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