Coming Out

Chapter 36

Brian spent the next few days thinking about his mother's phone call. He really didn't want to see Jack, sick or not, but Jennifer had a point. Would he really be able to live with himself if he didn't try one last time to make peace? By Thursday he decided to give in and see his old man one last time. After work he drove over to the house he'd grown up in; his heart was racing the whole way. No matter what happened, he refused to let either one of his parents hurt him again.

He parked the jeep out front and took a deep breath before slowly making his way to the door. Knocking softly, he waited a few moments before his mother opened the door.

"Brian, you're here!" she shouted loud enough for the neighborhood to hear.

"Jennifer told me about...Jack. I came to...uh...see him," Brian stammered, suddenly regretting his decision.

"Oh Brian, thank you. He...isn't well. The doctor was just here earlier and told us that he probably won't make it...though...the weekend," Joan's voice broke on a small sob.

Brian wasn't sure how he felt about the news, but he refused to let his mixed emotions show. "Is he awake?"

"Probably not. He's only awake for about an hour a day. He's...uh...out of it most of the time. I'm not even sure if he'll remember you," she admitted sadly. She pulled a tissue from her pocket and dabbed her eyes as she stepped back and allowed Brian to enter.

Brian looked around the familiar surroundings and sighed as pieces of memories flooded his brain. He had spent most of his life in the house, but couldn't remember a single happy memory. Only the ones that involved Jack beating him for anything he could think of. His thoughts were interrupted by his mother's voice.

"He's upstairs in our bedroom. Why don't you go on up," Joan encouraged him. "Just...please try not to upset him. I know how hard this is for you, but he's dying. He's been suffering enough while his body has been slowly deteriorating. He doesn't need you to make it worse. If you can't find it in your heart to forgive him, then just leave. It would be best for everyone."

Brian just nodded his head in understanding and headed up the stairs. He had dreamed of the day when he'd be able to make Jack suffer just a fraction of what he had when growing up, but even he wouldn't be able to hurt a dying man. Despite his childhood, he wasn't heartless.

When he reached the bedroom door, he slowly turned the knob and peaked inside, startled by what he saw. The big burly man that used his strength and power to beat his own son into submission was gone. In his place was a sick, tired old man who couldn't have weighed much more than 100 pounds. The room was fairly dark, casting shadows on the walls and giving the impression of what a death bed should look like. Brian hesitated before walking inside and approaching the bed. Pushing aside the memories of the past, Brian took the old man's hand in his, noticing how fragile it felt. He looked down and saw Jack's eyes flutter and open, desperately trying to focus on his surroundings.

"Pop?" Brian mumbled softly.

"Sonny Boy, is that you?" Jack rasped.

"Yeah Pop...it's me," Brian replied.

"I told Joanie... not to call you. I...didn't think...you'd come. I wouldn't have... blamed you." Jack whispered, using all of his strength just to get the words out.

"Shhh...It’s no big deal. Don't use all your strength on...me," Brian said, overcome by sadness at the sight of his father. "I just wanted to..."

"Tell me...to go...to hell? I wouldn't...blame you for that...either," Jack chuckled briefly before a coughing fit began wracking his body.

Brian watched his father gasping for air and reached for a glass of water that was on the nightstand. He helped Jack sit up a little and take a few small sips. Once the coughing seemed to have passed, Brian laid Jack back down and sighed. He never imagined his father like this.

"Sonny Boy...I'm sorry," Jack continued once he was settled. "I know...it doesn't change things...but I had to...say it. I've been doing...a lot of thinking lately. Not much...else to do when...you're waiting to die. You're a good boy, Son. You...deserved better than me. I...hope your...new family treats you better...than we did."

Brian found himself struggling to hold back his tears at the sadness and regret in his father's eyes. "They do, Pop. I'm happy now."

"You...deserve it. Don't ever...let anyone...tell you different. Now you...go on. You don't...need to stand around...and watch an old man...die. Go out there...and make your mother...and me proud."

Brian watched as Jack closed his eyes and drifted back off to sleep, taking one last look before rushing out of the room. His head was spinning and he needed to get some air. As he ran down the stairs, he came face to face with his mother, who he suddenly realized looked haggard and worn. The illness had affected her almost as much.

"Brian."

"I've got to go," Brian said as he walked past her and reached for the door.

"I'll call you when..." her voice trailed off, unable to say the words.

Brian couldn't speak; he just nodded his head and walked away, once again fighting the tears that were threatening to fall. He climbed into the jeep and drove home, trying his best to focus on the road and not the image of his dying father. He sighed in relief when he pulled up outside the house and realized that no one was home. He didn't want to answer the questions that he knew would be asked. Once inside, he took the stairs two at a time, and headed for his room where he closed himself in and lay down on his bed, finally allowing the tears to fall. He cried for the man who lay dying across town and for the woman who loved him and had to sit by and watch. But most of all, he cried for the little boy whose parents didn't love him enough to take care of him and keep him from harm. Jack may have apologized for his behavior, but it wasn't enough to erase all the pain and anguish he suffered over the years. Brian would be there, the dutiful son paying his respects to his father when the time came, but he knew in his heart that he'd never be able to forgive him. As much as he wanted to, the wounds were just too deep.

Brian heard a faint knock on his door, waking him up from the sleep that he’d welcomed earlier. Glancing at the clock, he saw that it was late and realized that he'd been sleeping for almost three hours.

"Come in," he called out as he struggled to sit up in bed.

"Hey," Jennifer said softly as she walked in and sat down along side him. "Your mother called. Jack's...gone."

Brian wasn't able to respond so he just nodded his head in understanding.

"She said it happened soon after you left. You didn't tell me that you decided to go see him," she continued.

"I...wasn't sure I was going to until today. I just...had to go," Brian replied sadly. "He said he was sorry. He was so frail...and he...he." His words were cut off by the sob that escaped.

"Oh Sweetheart, come here," Jennifer cried, taking Brian in her arms. Her heart was breaking for the young man that had come to mean so much to her and she held him close while he cried over the loss of his father. She couldn't imagine how hard it was for him after everything that he'd lived through in his short life, but she was determined to help him though the present if he needed it.

Brian allowed himself to be comforted by Jennifer as he sobbed in her arms. He couldn't believe that Jack was gone. He just saw him a few hours earlier and even though he was so frail, Brian had no idea how close to death he actually was. He stayed in Jennifer's arms for a few more minutes before pulling away and wiping his eyes with the back of his hands.

"I'm alright," Brian assured her weakly.

"I don't really think you are, but you will be. Why don't you give Justin a call? I have a feeling he could make you feel a lot better than I can," Jennifer suggested. "There's also a plate for you in the refrigerator. I made you one from dinner. You looked so peaceful that I didn't want to wake you."

"Thanks Jennifer...for everything."

"Anytime, Brian. I'll always be here for you."

Once Jennifer was gone, Brian grabbed the phone and called Justin hoping he would be there.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me," Brian said softly when he heard Justin's voice.

"Brian? What's wrong?" Justin asked, hearing something close to despair in his voice.

"My dad...Jack...he's gone," Brian stammered, fighting his emotions.

"Gone?" Justin asked in confusion.

"He's...dead. Apparently he was diagnosed with cancer a few months back. It progressed quickly and now he's...gone," Brian explained.

"Oh Brian, I'm so sorry. Are you okay?" Justin knew that despite the problems they had, Brian would mourn the loss.

"I'm not really sure. I...uh...went to see him today. He died shortly after I left. He...uh...he said he was sorry. Like that would make up for everything. I wish that it could. I wish that a simple apology would make all the pain go away...but it can't. He was a bastard. He hurt me over and over again. How am I supposed to forgive that?" Brian was crying openly now, pouring out his heart to the man that he loved.

"I don't know the answer to that, Brian. Maybe you'll never be able to forgive him, but I think it's time to put it in the past. It's all over now and hanging on to the anger and bitterness won't solve anything. You have people who love you and who would do anything in their power to keep you from hurting. Focus on that and let the rest go. It's time to move on." Justin knew he was out of his league offering advice on the situation considering he was raised by two loving parents in a loving home, but hearing the pain in Brian's voice was killing him and he wanted to try ease what he could.

"I know you're right. I just wish it was that easy. I miss you so much."

"Not for long. I'm going to fly out tomorrow. As soon as we hang up I'll call the airlines," Justin told him.

"You don't have to do that. I'll be fine. You were just here last weekend," Brian said, finding it hard to tell Justin to stay away when he wanted nothing more than to have the blond in his arms.

"I know you'll be fine and I know that I don't have to, but I'm going to be there whether you like it or not. There's no way in hell I'd let you go through this alone," Justin stated with certainty.

Brian smiled slightly at the determination in Justin's voice; making him love the blond even more if that was possible. "Thank you," he finally whispered.

"There's no need to thank me. I'd do anything for you. Now why don't you try to get some rest while I go and book that flight? I'll be there as soon as I can," Justin assured him. "I love you."

"I love you, too. More than you know. Later," Brian replied, once again fighting tears.

"Later," Justin replied quietly before hanging up the phone.

Before he had time to call the airlines, Jeff stormed in angry at the world. "I fucking hate my life!" he exclaimed in anger.

"Jeff? What's wrong?" Justin asked, pushing aside his thoughts of Brian for the moment.

"Nothing," Jeff snapped.

"Come on, Jeff. Don't give me that shit. What's going on?" Justin prodded.

Jeff sighed and slumped down on his bed. "Haley and I broke up," he finally said.

"What? What happened?"

"Apparently she's too young to be tied down. She said that she wants to enjoy her college years without having to worry about a boyfriend! Can you believe that shit? I mean...after all this time! How could she do this to me? To us?" Jeff asked rhetorically.

"Oh Jeff, I'm sorry. I wish there was something I could do," Justin replied, feeling bad for his friend.

"There is. You can go away with me this weekend. We'll just jump in the car and take a drive up the coast. What do you say?"

"Shit, I can't weekend. I was just getting ready to call the airlines. I'm flying back to Pittsburgh," Justin explained.

"Again? You were just there last weekend," Jeff pointed out.

"I know, but Brian's father died today. I know they weren’t close, but he's pretty upset. I can't let him go through it alone. If it was anything else, I’d be there for you. What about Shane? Maybe he'll go with you," Justin suggested.

"He's not going to be around this weekend either. His sister’s getting married and he's one of the ushers, remember? It doesn't matter. I'll just sit here alone all weekend and mope," Jeff sighed.

Before Justin had time to reply, the phone rang and Jeff jumped up to answer it, silently hoping that it would be Haley, calling to change her mind.

"Hello?"

"Hey Jeff, its Brian. How's it going?" Brian asked when he heard Jeff's voice.

"Hey Brian, I'm sorry to hear about you dad. How're you doing, Man?"

"Alright, I guess. Is Justin around? I wanted to see if he booked his flight yet so I can plan my day around picking him up," Brian explained.

"Yeah, hang on a second," Jeff said before handing the phone to Justin. "It's your other half. I'm going to run down to the soda machine. Do you want anything?"

"No, I'm good. Just hurry back and we can talk some more, okay?"

"Yeah, alright."

Justin watched Jeff walk out before putting the phone to his ear. "Hey Brian, what's up?"

"I was just wondering if you made your plans yet so I know when I have to be at the airport."

"No I haven't. Sorry, Jeff came in right before I called. He and Haley broke up and he's pretty upset about it. He wanted me to go away with him this weekend, but I told him I was going home. I'll call right now and then call you back."

"Wait. If you would rather stay there with Jeff, I'll understand," Brian said.

"You're kidding, right? Of course I'm not staying here. I feel bad for Jeff and I would definitely go with him under other circumstances, but you need me there and nothing's going to keep me away. He just didn't want to sit around the room all weekend and Shane's sister's wedding is on Saturday. I'm sure he'll find something else to do. You come first."

Brian smiled at Justin's devotion. He really didn't know what he would do without him. "Well if that's the case, why don't you bring him home with you?"

Justin was shocked by Brian's suggestion. "Are you sure? Your father just died. I would think you'd want just the family around."

"Justin, my situation is different. It's not like I was close with him. I'll be going to his services, but it's not like I'm suddenly going to throw myself into the Kinney family fold because of this. I'm more a Taylor than a Kinney now, remember? Your friend needs you, too. Besides, I liked Jeff. He seemed pretty cool. We can show him around the Pitts and I'm sure it will help get his mind off Haley."

"You're the best. You know that, right?" Justin said cheerfully.

"I know. Now go make your plans and then let me know. I'll be waiting."

Justin said good bye to Brian then waited for Jeff to get back to tell him the good news. It wasn’t long before the man in question strolled through the door.

“Hey, did you reserve that flight yet? I thought that we could go watch a movie or something when you’re done,” Jeff said as he sat back down on the bed.

“Sounds good. We can do it right after we pack,” Justin replied, holding back a smile.

“Cool…I thought that we could…wait a minute. What do you mean we?” Jeff asked, slowly picking up on what Justin had said.

“Well you don’t want to sit here alone all weekend and I can’t stay with you so the only answer if for you to fly to Pittsburgh with me,” Justin explained.

“What? Justin, I can’t fly to Pittsburgh with you,” Jeff announced in surprise.

“Why not? I know you can afford the plane ticket and there are no hotel costs. You’ll be staying at my parents’ house. So give me one good reason why you can’t.”

“Justin, I think the California sun has been soaking into your brain a little too much. Brian’s father just died, remember? The last thing he needs is you bringing home a friend while he’s mourning,” Jeff replied.

“It was Brian’s idea. Listen, I know you don’t know the whole situation and it’s not my story to tell. Let’s just say that aside from being at whatever service his mother’s going to have, Brian isn’t going anywhere near his family home. There are too many bad memories for him there. The best thing for him is to keep busy. It’s exactly what you need, too. You might as well do it together.” Justin could see that Jeff was beginning to like the idea so he pressed on. “So, should I make those reservations for one or two?”

“Oh what the hell? After the day I’ve had, spending the weekend with a couple of fags could be just what I need,” Jeff teased, knowing that Justin would never take offense to his teasing.

“I’m sure it is,” Justin laughed, reaching for the phone. Now that Jeff was going with him, he was even more anxious to get back east.


End of part 36
03/02/05

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