Coming Out

Chapter 32

The end of the school year finally arrived and it was graduation day. Brian’s ceremony was the night before and now it was Justin’s turn to receive his diploma in front of his family and friends. Although he knew he should be happy, the only thing he could focus on was the fact that he and Brian only had two more months until they were separated by 3000 miles. The last four months had been really good between them despite the separation hanging over their heads, but now that they didn’t have school to keep them busy, he feared things would only get worse.

Daphne had been great in letting Justin cry on her shoulder whenever it all became too much for him, but Cynthia was a different story. It was almost as if she was mad at him for leaving. He knew that she had been Brian’s friend first, but they had developed a strong friendship of their own; or so he thought so he couldn’t figure out why she was so distant. Brian was leaving too, so why wasn’t she mad at him?

As he finished getting ready for the ceremony, he decided to confront her about it at the party his parents were throwing for them later that night. He needed to know why she was so upset with him.

The ceremony went off without a hitch and as Justin looked out among the crowd as he received his diploma, he could see Brian watching him with pride, causing his heart to skip a beat. When it was over, Justin said good bye to his friends, reminding them of the party and joined Brian to head home.

Everyone started arriving a short time later, and pretty soon the house and yard were filled with Brian and Justin’s friends and everyone seemed to be having a good time. Justin finally found a moment and cornered Cynthia in the yard, demanding to know why she was so mad at him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Justin,” she replied guiltily.

“Please Cyn; don’t even try to deny it. Ever since I was accepted to Brooks you’ve been distant and cold to me. I just want to know why. It can’t be because I’m going away to school. Brian’s going away, too and you don’t seem to be mad at him,” Justin pointed out.

“Justin, just let it go, okay? I’m sorry if I’ve seemed different but this isn’t the time or place to have this discussion,” Cynthia explained quietly.

“This is the perfect time. I’ve only got two months left and I want to spend that time with my friends. I thought you were one of them.”

“I am your friend, Justin,” she assured him.

“Really? You could have fooled me,” Justin replied harshly.

“Justin, please don’t do this. Don’t make me say something that I’ll regret,” Cynthia pleaded, trying to keep the promise she made to Brian.

“What? What could you possibly say that you would regret? What the fuck did I do?” Justin was yelling now, drawing attention to some of their guests.

“You want to know what you did.” Cynthia hissed, finally losing her temper. “I’ll tell you. You broke Brian’s heart. I’m sorry Justin; you’re right, I am your friend, but Brian and I have been friends a lot longer and I’m having a hard time watching him fall apart because of you!”

Justin was shocked by Cynthia’s outburst. He couldn’t figure out what she was talking about, but before he had a chance to ask her, he heard Brian’s voice coming from behind him.

“Cynthia; that’s enough!”

“No Brian, I think it’s time you told Justin the truth,” Cynthia said, her eyes never leaving Justin.

“It’s not your decision to make Cyn. Just stay out of it!” Brian demanded angrily.

Justin was completely stunned by the exchange between the two and quickly realized that there was something going on. He refused to be kept in the dark anymore.

“Brian, what is she talking about?” Justin asked, turning his attention to his boyfriend.

“Just let it go, Justin,” Brian said softly.

“No! I’m not going to let it go and I wish everyone would stop telling me to. Cynthia, tell me what’s going on,” Justin pleaded.

“Cynthia…” Brian warned.

“I’m sorry Brian, but I can’t keep my mouth shut anymore,” Cynthia said before turning her attention back to Justin. “Before you were accepted to Brooks, Brian submitted his application to Carnegie Mellon. He got his acceptance letter the same day you got yours to Brooks. He didn’t tell you he was applying incase he couldn’t get full scholarship, but he applied so that he’d be able to stay in Pittsburgh with you. He even made arrangements with Uncle Marty so that he would still be working at Ryder while going to school. He changed his plans for you and now you’re just going to take off and leave him here!”

Justin couldn’t believe what he had heard. “Brian? Is that true?”

Brian could see the hurt in Justin’s face and mentally kicked himself for not telling Justin everything months ago. “Look Justin…”

“How could you do this? How could you keep this from me? You pushed me to go to Brooks. You told me to do it for you and all along you knew that you would be staying here!” Justin was furious.

“Justin,” Brian said as he tried to approach Justin.

“Don’t touch me! Just leave me alone!” Justin yelled as he ran to the house, going in long enough to grab his keys. He needed to get away. He needed time to think.

“Honey, where are you going?” Jennifer asked as she saw Justin opening the front door, oblivious to what had happened outside.

Justin ignored her as he made his way out to his car and took off. He wanted to be as far away from Cynthia, Brian and everyone else as possible.

Brian watched Justin walk away and felt a cold sense of dread settling in his chest. They only had two more months together and the last thing he wanted was to spend those months fighting. He was so lost in thought that he hadn’t heard Cynthia call his name and jumped when he felt her touch his arm.

“Brian, I’m sorry. I know I promised not to say anything, but I couldn’t help it. He needed to know what he was doing to you,” Cynthia tried to explain, only to be cut off by Brian’s cold glare.

“He isn’t doing anything to me. I was the one who pushed him into agreeing to go. It’s my fault he’s leaving; not his. You should’ve minded your own business like I asked you to and everything would have been fine!” Brian exclaimed, his anger evident in his icy tone.

“Hey, what’s wrong with Justin? I just saw him race out of here and he seemed really upset,” Daphne said as she approached them.

“Ask Cynthia, I have to go find him,” Brian replied hastily as he stormed off.

Daphne looked at Cynthia with confusion. “What was that all about?”

“Oh Daphne, I think I just managed to fuck everything up,” Cynthia sighed, praying that she hadn’t done too much damage.

Brian had a good idea of where Justin would go and he wasn’t surprised to see him sitting on the hood of his car at their special spot at the lake. He pulled the jeep in along side of Justin’s car and got out, cautiously approaching Justin.

“Hey,” Brian all but whispered, preparing himself for Justin’s anger.

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” Justin mumbled softly.

“I know. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you.”

“Why didn’t you? Why couldn’t you just be honest with me? I’m old enough to make my own decisions and if I wanted to stay in Pittsburgh to be with you, it’s my choice to make; not yours,” Justin said, fighting for control over his emotions.

“Justin, listen to me for a minute. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if you gave up the opportunity to go to Brooks and ended up resenting me for it if things didn’t work out,” Brian explained.

“Who’s to say that things wouldn’t work out? PIFA is a wonderful school. I could’ve been just as happy there as in California; happier because I’d be with you. Either way, it was my decision to make and you took that away from me.”

“I’m sorry Justin, but I didn’t want you to make a decision based on our relationship. It’s better this way. Now you’ll get the education that you deserve and when school is out we can be together again. It’ll all work out in the end, you’ll see,” Brian assured him.

“How will it all work out? We’re going to be on opposite ends of the country for four years. How are we supposed to make that work out? We can’t really expect each other to wait, can we?” Justin looked up into Brian’s face with tears in his eyes.

“What are you saying?” Brian tried to swallow the lump that was forming in his throat.

“I just think…” he stopped, taking a deep breath before continuing. “I think that when it’s time for me to leave, we should just say goodbye.”

“But I thought we agreed…”

“Come on Brian, let’s be realistic here. How are we supposed to stay together for four years without being in the same time zone let alone the same town? I can’t go away wondering when the time will come that I receive that phone call that says that you met someone else. These are our college years; we’re supposed to be having the time of our lives, not sitting around waiting for nightly phone calls and emails. We need to make a clean break and move on with our lives. When the four years are up we can see where things are and go from there. If it’s meant to be, then we’ll be together again someday. If not, well then we haven’t wasted all those years holding on to something that wasn’t there.” Justin felt as if his heart was being ripped from his chest, but he knew he had to follow through with his plan.

“You’re breaking up with me because I didn’t tell you about Carnegie Mellon?”

“No, this is something that I’ve been thinking about for a long time now. Carnegie Mellon just made me realize how different our lives are going to be. You’ve been keeping this from me for so long; it just made me see how far apart we are now while still living in the same house. 3000 miles is just going to pull us further apart,” Justin explained.

“I can’t believe you’re doing this; that it’s what you want.”

“Believe me, it’s not what I want. I wanted us to be together, but you took that away from me when you forced me to write my acceptance letter. I love you so much that it hurts, but we can’t go on fooling ourselves that this separation isn’t going to change things. I would rather end things now and maintain our friendship than try to hold on as long as we can until one, if not both of us gets hurt. Please don’t hate me for this,” Justin pleaded, openly crying now.

“Hate you? God, I could never hate you. I’ll always love you, no matter where you are. Are you sure this is what you want?”

“It’s what we have to do.”

Brian took Justin in his arms and held him tightly, allowing his own tears to flow while his heart shattered into a million pieces. They stayed like that for a long while, finding comfort in each other’s arms. Brian was the first one to pull away.

“So what happens now? What are we going to do for the next couple of months? Are we still going to be together during the time we have left?”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Justin said as he choked back a sob. “Maybe now’s a good time to work on our friendship. You’re part of the family; we need to be able to work past this and get along.”

Brian nodded his head, unable to say anything else at the moment.

“I guess we should head back to the house,” Justin whispered, needing to put some space between them for awhile.

“Yeah,” Brian rasped, kissing Justin softly on the lips. “I love you, you know. Nothing is going to change that.”

“I love you, too.”

They got into their cars and Justin followed Brian back to the house, using the time to pull himself together. He knew that the party would still be going on; there would be plenty of time later for the tears that were threatening to fall and he had a feeling that there would be plenty of tears falling over the next four years.

The next two months were agonizing. Brian and Justin did their best to put their feelings aside and be friends, but anyone who knew them knew just how much pain they were in. Jennifer and Craig, as well as Daphne and Cynthia tried to talk to them but Justin kept insisting that it was the way things had to be and Brian refused to talk about it with anyone. Finally the time came when Justin was due to leave. He and Jennifer were flying out to California on Saturday morning so that Justin could get settled into the dorms before classes started. Jennifer was going out to help him get settled, needing to spend a little more time with her first born before leaving him on his own to live his life.

On the night before his flight, Justin was looking around his room one more time, making sure that he had everything he wanted to take with him all ready to go when he heard a knock at the door.

“Come in,” Justin called, surprised to see Brian walk through the door.

“Take a ride with me,” Brian demanded gently.

Justin was shocked by the demand. He and Brian hadn’t gone anywhere alone since the night of the break up, refusing to put themselves in a position where they would slip back into old habits.

“Where to?” he asked tentatively.

Brian didn’t reply, he just turned on his heels and headed downstairs, knowing that Justin would follow. The ride was made in silence, neither one of them sure of what to say. When Justin noticed that they were pulling into the parking lot of a hotel, he felt his heart skip a beat.

“Brian, what are we doing here?”

Again, Brian said nothing as he got out of the jeep and walked over to one of the rooms. He’d made the reservation a few days before and stopped by earlier to check in and get the key. He walked through the door, leaving it open behind him and sat down on the bed, waiting for Justin to join him.

Justin got out of the jeep, and against his better judgment, followed Brian into the room, closing the door behind him. He immediately saw the sadness on Brian’s face and wished there was something he could do to make it go away, but there wasn’t. He knew that no matter how hard it was going to be, he was right in his decision to end things now, before they were hurt anymore.

“Brian? Why are we here?” Justin asked once again.

“I…” Brian stammered, overcome with emotions. “I just need to be with you one more time. I need to…”

“Shhhh…” Justin replied, taking Brian into his arms and fighting back his tears. “It’s okay…I need that too.”

Nothing else was said as Brian covered Justin’s lips with his own, seeking the contact that they both desperately needed. The kiss was filled with all the passion and longing that they both had been feeling for the last two months and neither one of them was willing to break it as they quickly tore away the clothes that were keeping them apart. Once they were completely undressed, Justin pulled away and crawled up on the bed, opening his arms in silent invitation. Brian didn’t hesitate, joining Justin on the bed and losing himself in a warm embrace. For the next few hours, neither one of them said a word, expressing with actions what their hearts were feeling. Finally, after glancing at the clock and noticing how late it was, Brian decided to try one more time to get Justin to see reason.

“Justin, please don’t do this to us. We can find a way to work this out. I don’t want to lose you.”

“Brian, I don’t want to lose you either, but what other choice do we have? There’s no way that our relationship can withstand this kind of separation. Four years is a long time, but it’s not forever. I’ll be back eventually and then we can see what happens from there. In the mean time, I want us both to have the time of our lives without being tied down to something out of our reach,” Justin replied tearfully.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do without you,” Brian whispered.

“I don’t know either, but we’ll figure something out. Just remember that no matter what, I’ll always be here if you need me.”

“Me too.”

After getting dressed, Brian and Justin checked out of the hotel and headed home in silence. When Brian pulled up out side of the house, but left the engine running, Justin realized that he wasn’t planning on coming in.

“Where are you going?”

“I can’t be here tonight. I don’t want to be here when you walk out that door tomorrow,” Brian explained sadly.

Justin wanted to object, but he knew he didn’t have the right. “So I guess this is it.”

“Yeah.”

“Will you call me?” Justin asked quietly.

“Not for awhile. I…need some time,” Brian replied.

Justin nodded in understanding, unable to answer.

“Take care of yourself and try not to…forget me,” Brian’s voice crack with emotion.

“I’ll never forget you, Brian. I love you, remember?”

“I…love you, too.”

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian one last time before quickly jumping out of the car and running inside, tears streaming down his face. Once he was inside, he saw Jennifer standing in the foyer and collapsed in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably.

“It’ll be okay, Justin. I promise, you’ll get through this,” she whispered as she held her son in her arms, her own tears silently running down her face.

“What if I’m making a huge mistake?” he cried. “What if there’s a chance that we could make this work and I ruin everything by not taking it?”

“I can’t answer that for you Sweetheart. Maybe once you’re away at school you’ll find the answers you’re looking for. My only suggestion is that you follow your heart and see where it takes you,” Jennifer offered.

“What if my heart’s telling me to hold on to Brian no matter what?”

“Then maybe that’s what you need to do. Justin, no one ever said life was easy. Nothing is ever just black and white. There are so many gray areas that we overlook. Maybe you need to look at those gray areas and figure out what will work best for you?”

“But what if Brian and I try to stay together and things don’t work out? What if he meets someone while I’m away? I don’t think I could handle that.”

“But what if he doesn’t? And even if he does, at least you’ll know that you gave it your best shot. Look at how much you’re hurting right now; how much he’s hurting. Is it really better to have your heart broken now, than to risk it being broken later? Either way, the end result is still the same, but if you give up now, you’ll always be wondering what could’ve happened. Are you ready to live your life with that kind of regret hanging over your head?”

Justin brushed away his tears, pulling back to look Jennifer in the eye. “Why didn’t you say any of this two months ago?”

“You didn’t ask. Justin, you’re eighteen years old and getting ready to go off to college. I had to sit back and let you figure out things on your own,” Jennifer explained.

“Then why are you saying anything now?”

“Because I can’t sit back any longer and watch my two favorite boys fall apart. It kills me to see you both in so much pain. I want the old Brian and Justin back.”

“So do I, Mom; so do I.”

Brian watched Justin run into the house and sat there for a few moments, trying to find the will power to drive away. His mind kept racing with memories of all the times they shared and he knew that he had to do something. He couldn’t let Justin walk away from all they had. He parked the jeep and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to decide what he could say to Justin that he hadn’t already said. It took him almost twenty minutes to gather up the courage to go inside. He found the house silent and was surprised to see Jennifer sitting in the living room alone.

“What are you doing here? Justin told me that you weren’t coming home tonight?”

“I had to…I couldn’t let Justin go without…” Brian sighed at his inability to say what he was thinking.

“It’s okay Brian, I know what you mean. He’s upstairs and I think he wants to talk to you, too,” Jennifer said with a smile.

Brian watched her for a moment before heading upstairs and barging into Justin’s room without knocking.

“Brian!” Justin exclaimed, startled by Brian’s appearance.

“I’m not going to let you do this! You are not going to push me away just because you think it’s the best thing for us. I have a say here, too damn it! It’s my relationship too and you can’t just push me away!” Brian yelled, letting his anger show.

Justin broke down, throwing himself into Brian’s arms. “I’m sorry; I never meant to hurt you. I was so afraid of losing you that I thought it would be better to push you away first, but I was wrong. Being away from you is going to be so hard, but not nearly as hard as long as I know we’re still together. I’m so sorry that I wasted all of our time together. Now I’m leaving and I don’t know when we’ll see each other again,” Justin sobbed as he clung to Brian tightly.

Brian was startled by Justin’s change of heart. He didn’t know what caused it, but he didn’t care. All that mattered was that Justin was his again and he’d stop at nothing to make sure it stayed that way.

“Shhh…it’s okay Justin. Everything’s going to be okay,” Brian soothed as he steered Justin towards the bed, pushing him down gently and climbing in along side of him.

They held on to each other, wishing that time would stand still for a little while, giving them more time together. They finally fell asleep in each other’s arms, neither one of them aware of Jennifer when she peeked in and smiled before silently shutting the door.

The sound of the alarm going off startled both Brian and Justin out of their sleep. They looked at each other with a sense of dread washing over them. It was time for Justin to go; time to say goodbye for no one knew how long. Justin got up quietly and headed into the shower while Brian stayed in bed, wondering what it was going to be like when Justin was gone. When Jennifer finally called out that it was time to leave, Brian took Justin into his arms one last time.

“I’m going to miss you so much. Promise not to have too much fun without me?” Brian said, ignoring the catch in his voice.

“I promise,” Justin whispered. “God, this is so hard. I love you Brian.”

“I love you, too. Now go, before I kidnap you and take you far away from here so I can have you all to myself,” Brian laughed, trying to lighten the mood before they lost any resolve they had.

“I’ll call you tonight,” Justin assured him, kissing him one last time.

“I’ll be here waiting.”

Justin took one long last look at Brian before walking away with a strange feeling that nothing between them would ever be the same again.


End of part 32
9/21/04

Return to Coming Out