Coming Out

Chapter 21

It was the first day of school and Justin was dreading it. He didn't have a problem with school and was excited to be a senior, but he knew his time with Brian was going to be limited. They decided that Justin was going to drop Brian off at his public school each morning before heading across town to St. James Academy, giving them a few minutes alone each morning before beginning their day. On the first day conversation was quiet other than a few comments on the weather. Neither boy wanted to acknowledge how their lives were going to change so they hadn't really discussed how their days were going to go. Brian figured that now was the best time to lay it all on the table.

"Okay, so I get done with school at 12:30. Then I jump on a bus and head to work by one. I work till five, and then jump another bus and should be back at home by six. The way I see it, by the time I eat and do my homework it should be way past my bedtime. Will you still love me when I have huge bags under my eyes?" Brian joked, trying to lighten the mood. He missed Justin already and he hadn't even said goodbye.

"I’ll love you no matter what, Brian. You know that. As for taking the bus home, don't even think about it. I can't pick you up at 12:30 obviously, since I'll still be in school, but I’ll pick you up from work at five. This way we’ll have some time alone," Justin said, hating the schedule they were going to be living by.

"Justin, I don't want to make you have to drive all the way to the agency every night to pick me up. I can take a bus," Brian protested.

"Brian, it's no big deal. I'll be working there two nights a week anyway, so I’ll only be driving out of my way there of the nights. Besides, I didn't say I would do it for nothing. I do expect payment, you know,” Justin told him with a serious face.

“Of course you do. I’ll pay for gas,” Brian assured him.

“Not that kind of payment, Brian,” Justin replied, reaching over and lightly rubbing Brian’s groin.

“Oh, that kind of payment. Well, if you insist,” Brian drawled, leaning over to give Justin a quick kiss on the cheek before they reached the school.

Once Justin pulled up outside Brian’s school, he felt an overwhelming sadness wash over him. He knew he was being silly, but he couldn’t help but feel as if he was losing Brian. He felt as if their whole relationship was changing and there was nothing he could do about it.

Brian looked over at Justin to say goodbye and could tell that the boy was on the verge of a breakdown. He understood his sadness because he felt it, too. He knew they needed to have faith that their new situation would work out in the end. “Justin?”

Justin shook off his thoughts and looked at Brian. “Yeah?”

“I know things are going to be different now, but we’re going to be okay.” Brian tried to reassure him. He had to believe that if he was going to make it through the rough year that lay ahead of them both.

“I know. I just feel so sad at all the changes that are taking place. We’ve spent the whole summer together, at work, at home. Now all of the sudden it feels like our lives are going in different directions. By this time next year we’re going to be in different states. How are we going to be okay? I’m scared, Brian,” Justin admitted, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“Justin, I love you and you love me. We’ll find a way to make this work. I promise. Now let me see that sunshine smile so I have something to think about until I see you tonight,” Brian said, hoping to ease the boy’s mind.

Justin gave him his brightest smile. “I love you, Brian.”

“I love you, too. Have a good day at school. I’ll see you at five.” Brian replied as he got out of the car. He turned to watch Justin drive away then walked towards his school, ready to start his senior year.

Justin drove over to St. James Academy, desperately trying to push away his somber mood. He parked his car and started walking towards the building when he heard someone calling his name. He turned to find his friend Jason jogging to catch up to him.

“Hey, Justin. How was your summer? I haven’t seen you around,” Jason asked.

“Pretty good, Jason. How was yours?” Justin asked, forcing thoughts of Brian from his mind.

“Great, although definitely too short. I really think school should be two months long and summer vacation should be ten months, but I guess I probably shouldn’t hold my breath,” Jason said with a chuckle. He could feel his nervousness trying to overtake his and took a deep breath to calm himself down. He had spent the summer finding himself and now that he was back at the Academy, he felt as if he was going to lose himself again.

“Yeah, I don’t think we have any hope of seeing that anytime soon. So, what’s your schedule like?” Justin asked, enjoying having someone to walk with. Being with an old friend was making him feel a lot better.

“I don’t even know. I got it in the mail the other day, but I was in denial that school was actually starting so I didn’t want to look at it.” Jason laughed as he reached in his pocket for the schedule.

The two boys shared their schedules as they made their way into the building, noticing they had the same homeroom as well as many of the same classes. By the end of the day, their longtime friendship seemed to be renewed and they actually enjoyed their first day.

“So Justin, do you want to hang out today? Maybe go grab a bite to eat?” Jason asked.

Justin’s first instinct was to say no, wanting to get home to Brian, but reality set in that Brian wouldn’t be done working for a couple of hours and the thought of going home by himself was too depressing. “Sure. Why don’t you leave your car here and we’ll take mine? I just need to make a quick phone call first.”

“Great. I’ll just go to my locker and grab my stuff and meet you by your car,” Jason replied with a smile. He didn’t want to spend another day home alone with his thoughts.

Justin hurried out to his car and grabbed his cell phone, needing to talk to Brian in the worst way. Cynthia answered the phone.

“Thank you for calling the Ryder Agency, this is Cynthia. How may I direct your call?”

“Hey Cynthia. Is Brian busy?” Justin asked.

“Hey Justin. You’re in luck. He just got out of a meeting. Hang on a second and I’ll buzz him for you,” Cynthia replied.

“Thanks, Cynthia.” Justin waited anxiously for his boyfriend to get on the line.

“Justin?” Brian answered.

“Hey, Brian. How’s it going?” Justin asked, feeling a warmth creep through him at the sound of Brian’s voice.

“Great. I think I’m going to learn a lot in this position. How was school?” Brian asked, noticing that Justin didn’t sound as sad as he did that morning.

“Okay, I guess. I miss you though. I can’t wait till five to see you,” Justin admitted.

“Me, too. It’s been a very long day. What do you say we go out for dinner tonight since I won’t be getting any homework for at least a couple of days?” Brian asked, longing to take Justin in his arms.

“That sounds wonderful. I’ll see you at five. I love you,” Justin replied, unable to conceal the smile he was sporting.

“I love you too, Justin. See you soon,” Brian replied, before hanging up and getting back to the file in front of him. He could feel the smile he was wearing at just hearing Justin’s voice and began thinking about the smile he was going to be wearing after what he had planned for after dinner.

Justin disconnected his call and jumped by the sound of Jason’s voice behind him.

“All ready to go?” Jason asked, wondering who Justin had been talking to. He had over heard part of the conversation and had heard Justin profess his love to someone. Did Justin have a girlfriend? He would have to find out.

“Yep! Let’s get out of here.” Justin replied, unlocking his door.

As they made their way to the diner he and Brian had eaten in the night they came out to each other, he couldn’t help but think about the night ahead of him. He had every intention of taking Brian to their special place after their dinner was done. He was brought out of his thoughts when Jason spoke.

“So Justin, what have you been doing all summer? I would have thought I would have seen you at some of the annual parties.” Jason was trying to feel Justin out a bit. He was having mixed feelings about his plans for the future and really wanted to be able to confide in someone. As soon as he saw Justin crossing the parking lot before school he realized he had found the perfect person to talk to. He and Justin had grown up together and even though they had never been real close, Jason always felt he was a nice kid. He was always standing up for others and his beliefs. He hoped that Justin hadn’t changed any in the last few months because Jason needed a friend now more than ever and he was hoping that Justin would be the friend he could count on.

“I’ve kept pretty busy. I have a part time job at the Ryder Agency in their art department. I’m thinking about starting a career in advertising while I pursue a career in art. I also spent a lot of my time with Daphne and a few friends I made working at Ryder,” Justin explained, figuring that he wasn’t really lying. He and Brian were friends as well as lovers.

“Wow. That sounds like a good job. I remember you always being into art. It sounds like you have your future planned out already. I envy you. I have no idea what I‘m going to do with my life.” Jason was intrigued with Justin. He was impressed by the way he seemed to have his future figured out.

“Well, I just know what I want. I want to have art in my everyday life and the only way to do that without being a starving artist is to have a job like the one in advertising. Mr. Ryder, my boss, has been really great to me. He’s trying to teach me everything I need to know. I’m really enjoying it” Justin explained. He looked over at his friend and saw a pained look cross his face. “Are you okay Jason?”

“Yeah. I’m alright. I guess I just wish I had everything figured out the way you do. I have no clue where I’m going or what I am going to do with my life,” Jason confessed, trying hard to hide his feelings.

“Jason, maybe we could go somewhere and talk. You sound as if you could use a friend right now. I don’t have anywhere I have to be until five. I’m a really good listener,” Justin assured him as he turned off the highway and headed towards the lake. He could sense some inner trouble where Jason was concerned and wanted to help him.

“Are you sure? I didn’t want to dump my problems on you. I just wanted to hang out and forget them for awhile, but I guess it’s not that easy,” Jason said, watching the scenery as they drove by.

“No, it never is. Maybe talking to someone will make you feel better. You’d be surprised by how understanding I can be when it comes to other people’s feelings.” Justin continued to drive as silence filled the car. Both boys were lost in their thoughts and were actually relieved when they reached their destination. Justin parked his car down the road from where he and Brian spent their time alone together. “Do you want to sit in the car or get out and take a walk?”

“Let’s just sit here for a bit. Justin, can I ask you something? I wasn’t eavesdropping, but I overheard you on the phone before when you told what I assume was your girlfriend that you loved her. How do you know you love her? How do you know she’s who you’re meant to be with?” Jason blurted out the questions that had been plaguing him all summer.

Justin sat there for a moment looking at Jason. He knew the answers to the questions Jason was asking, he just didn’t know how to answer without letting on that his girlfriend was really Brian. With his mind racing, he tried his best to explain. “I just know how I feel when I’m with…her. Like there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I’d rather spend my time with…her than with anyone else. She’s all I think about and I hate when we are not together. I can actually see myself spending the rest of my life with…her.”

“That’s cool. I guess I’m just confused. I don’t know what to think.” Jason sighed as if he had the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“Are you having problems with your girlfriend? Maybe you should be talking to her?” Justin asked, trying to understand exactly what Jason was talking about.

“It’s not like that. You know what? Never mind. This wasn’t such a good idea after all. How about we head back to the diner and forget about this talk?” Jason obviously made a mistake thinking he would be able to share his thoughts with someone.

Justin noticed Jason’s discomfort and felt sorry for the boy. He knew he needed to encourage him to talk about whatever was bothering him. “Jason, if you need to talk, I’ll listen. You can tell me anything,” Justin encouraged.

“I don’t know if I can. I’ve never talked to anyone about this before,” Jason admitted, unsure if he should continue.

“Well than maybe it’s about time you did, don‘t you think?” Justin was getting a strange vibe from Jason and was beginning to realize that maybe he and Jason had more in common than he thought.

“Are you sure you want to listen to me pour my heart out to you? You may be surprised by what I have to say,” Jason warned, deciding to be honest with Justin and tell him the truth.

“You may be surprised by my reactions,” Justin told him.

“Can you promise to keep what I tell you between us, no matter what it is?” Jason asked.

“Your secrets are safe with me,” Justin assured him.

“Justin, I’m gay. Now before you say anything, I’m not trying to hit on you or anything. I just felt like I needed to talk to someone and I didn’t know where else to turn. When I saw you this morning, I kept thinking about what a good friend you’ve been through the years. I know we were never really close friends, but I always thought you were cool to hang out with. I thought that if anyone would be willing to listen to me without judging me, it would be you. Was I wrong in thinking that?” Jason was suddenly scared of what Justin was going to say.

“No Jason, you weren’t wrong. What makes you think you’re gay? Are you sure?” Justin asked, trying to decide if he should share his secret with Jason.

“Believe me, I know I’m gay. If you aren’t comfortable with it, I’ll understand. It’s no big deal.”

“Jason…I’m more comfortable with it than you know. I’m gay too,” Justin admitted, knowing he couldn’t lie after Jason was so open with him.

“You are? What about your girlfriend?” Jason looked at him, trying to see if he was telling the truth.

“Yeah, my girlfriend’s name is Brian. I’m sorry I kind of lied to you. No one knew I was gay except for Daphne until I met Brian. Now a few other people know, but no one from school. If I had known that was what you were having trouble with, I wouldn’t have lied to you.” Justin apologized. He felt bad about letting Jason think he was straight.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize to me. I understand all too well the fear of coming out. How long have you and Brian been together?” Jason asked, relieved to finally have someone to talk to.

“Since the beginning of the summer. I met him at work on my first day. We’ve been together since my third. He’s great. I always thought I’d keep quiet about being gay until I was in college and away from home. Brian helped me so much. Is there anybody you’re…seeing or something? Is that why you have questions?” Justin asked.

“No. Cathy Sullivan has been hanging around me a lot lately and I was getting scared. I guess I’m just now trying to accept that I’m different and I wasn’t sure what to do about it. Do you think that maybe we could talk occasionally? You’re the only person I know that’s gay,” Jason asked tentatively.

“Definitely. Anytime you want to talk, just give me a call. Brian’s working a lot these days so I’m going to have a lot of free time on my hands.” Justin stopped talking when his phone began to ring. Looking at his caller ID he noticed it was his mother. “Hang on, it’s my Mom.”

“Hey Mom, what’s up?”

“Hi Honey. How was school? I expected you to come home afterwards. I was going to make a special dinner tonight,” Jennifer told him.

“Sorry Mom. I’m with a friend. Listen, don’t count on Brian and me for dinner. He’s taking me out before school gets too hard and he’s bogged down with homework. We’ll probably be a little late getting home,” Justin explained, knowing Jennifer would understand.

“Alright Honey. Just don’t be too late. It’s still a school night you know,” she reminded him.

“I know Mom. Besides, Brian needs his sleep. With the schedule he’s going to be keeping this year, the last thing I want to do is keep him out late and make him grumpy from sleep deprivation. You know how hard he is to wake up when he’s tired,” Justin teased.

“Yes, I do. I think I’ll leave that job up to you.” Jennifer laughed, knowing that Brian could indeed be difficult when he was too tired.

“Thanks a lot, Mom. I’ll see you tonight,” Justin said with a chuckle.

“Okay, Honey. Be careful,” Jennifer replied.

“I will, Mom. Bye.” Justin ended the call and looked at Jason, having forgotten he was there.

“Your mother knows about Brian?” Jason asked in astonishment.

“Yeah. Brian actually lives with me. Well, with my family. It’s a long story that is not mine to tell, but he’s been living in the guest room. My mother saw us holding hands at our family barbeque and figured out that we were together. She’s been really great about it. We aren’t allowed to sleep together in the house and my father and sister don’t know, but it’s nice that we don’t have to hide all the time,” Justin explained.

“Wow, that is so cool. My mother would have a fit if she knew about me. You’re very lucky Justin,” Jason said, feeling envious over Justin’s situation.

“I know. Now what do you say we go get something to drink. I am dying of thirst,” Justin suggested.

“Me, too. Let’s go,” Jason said enthusiastically.

They ended up at the diner anyway and had a good time hanging out and talking. Justin jumped when his phone rang. Glancing at the caller ID, he saw it was Brian and realized that it was already quarter after five. “Shit!” he exclaimed to no one in particular as he answered the phone.

“I’m so sorry, Brian. I guess I lost track of time,” Justin explained as he pulled money for his drink from his pocket.

“Obviously, Sunshine. So what have you been doing that’s kept you from picking me up? Watching your favorite cartoon?” Brian teased. He still wondered how Justin could be so absentminded sometimes.

“No, I haven’t even been home yet. Jason and I have been hanging out talking about the old days. Let me just drop him off back at his car and I’ll be there.” Justin assured him as they left the diner.

“Jason? Who the fuck is Jason? You know what? Never mind. I’ll get Cynthia to drive me home. I wouldn’t want to keep you from Jason!” Brian exclaimed before slamming down the phone.

Justin stood by his car in shock. He couldn’t believe the anger he heard in Brian’s voice. He didn’t even know what he did to cause Brian to be so upset. He jumped when he heard Jason’s voice behind him.

“Is everything alright?” He asked with concern.

“I’m not sure. I mean, yeah. Brian’s just tired so he’s going to get a ride home and I’ll meet him there. Come on, let’s go,” Justin replied as he got in the car. He couldn’t help but wonder if everything really was okay.

They drove in silence until they reached Jason’s car.

“I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, Justin. Thanks for everything,” Jason said as he climbed out of the car.

“Uh, yeah…see you tomorrow,” Justin replied. He pulled out of the parking lot and headed home, wondering what he was headed home to. Brian seemed really angry. Could he be jealous of Jason? Could he possibly think that there was anything to be jealous of? Justin was almost afraid to see him. He knew Brian would never physically hurt him, but sometimes his actions hurt even more and Justin was afraid of what his reaction was going to be.


End of part 21
11/09/03

Return to Coming Out