Coming Out

Chapter 17

Brian watched Jennifer walk away and waited till he heard her go upstairs before he let his tears fall. He never had anyone care about him before and his emotions were more then he could handle. He sat there and cried uncontrollably, thinking about all he would be giving up if he let Justin get away, but he knew he needed time to think things through before he made any more mistakes. With that thought in mind, he did the only thing he could think of to get the answers he needed. He left the warmth of the Taylor house and headed for the hospital. He knew his mother was going to be there a few more days because of the physical therapy she needed. He hoped that his father would be home passed out since it was still early. He knew he was probably opening himself up for more pain, but he had to try. He felt like he was drowning and his mother could be the only one to save him.

As he walked towards her room, he was sure that everyone could hear his rapidly beating heart. Taking a deep breath, he knocked on the door and waited until he heard his mother’s voice before he entered. She was lying on the bed still hooked up to a heart monitor, but she looked better then she had the week before. Brian could see the look of surprise in her face.

“Brian, I’m so happy you’re here,” She exclaimed, holding her arms out for a hug which she did not receive. Joan knew that her son was angry at her for what happened, but she was shocked by the look of hatred she could see in his eyes. It saddened her to know that she was responsible for that hatred and vowed to try to erase what pain she could from her son’s eyes.

“Where’s Jack?” Brian asked, ignoring his mother’s outstretched arms. He was not stupid enough to fall for her false love. He came to get the answers needed and then he was walking away forever. He stood there looking at the woman who gave birth to him, realizing that he felt nothing but contempt for her. He knew then that he was one step closer to happiness.

“Your father’s not here. You know he usually sleeps till noon. Come sit over here by me and we can talk.” Joan motioned for Brian to sit in the chair by her bed, but she could see that he was uncomfortable just being in her room.

“I didn’t come here to visit. I came here for answers and I’m not leaving until I get them.” Brian’s voice was cold and uncaring. He took a deep breath, trying to hold his emotions in. He refused to break down in front of his mother. His pride wouldn’t allow it.

“Sweetheart, I don’t know what you’re talking about. What answers?” She asked, confused by what he was asking.

“What is wrong with me?” Brian asked, somehow managing to keep his voice even.

“Brian, what are you talking about? Nothing is wrong with you,” Joan replied, not sure what he was talking about.

“What is wrong with me that my own parents can’t love me? Did I do something wrong?” Brian asked, hating the emotion that he was sure Joan heard in his voice.

“Of course, you didn’t do anything wrong. Brian, what’s this all about?” Joan didn’t like the direction the conversation was headed. She could see shadows in her son’s eyes.

“I want to know why Jack always felt the need to hurt me. I want to know why, out of everyone in the house, he always chose to hit me. But more importantly, I want to know why you never did anything to stop him. How could you let him hurt me? Why couldn’t you love me enough to make him stop?” Brian cried out, with a single tear rolling down his cheek. He noticed a look of sadness cross his mother’s face but he didn’t care. He wanted answers and nothing was going to stop him from getting them.

“Oh Brian, it wasn’t you. You didn’t do anything wrong. It was him. Your father never wanted children. He told me he wasn’t a family man. When I had your sister he was so mad. He started drinking a lot, always losing his jobs because he was too hung over to go to work. When I got pregnant with you he insisted that I have an abortion, but I refused. I could never harm a child. I thought he would get used to having another baby around. Claire was such a good baby so I figured he wouldn’t mind one more. After you were born, things just got worse. He accused me of getting pregnant on purpose and swore you weren’t even his. I never broke my marriage vows, but he wouldn’t believe me. I kept hoping that he would change his mind, but by then he was too far gone.

When he first started hitting you, I used to try to stop him, but that only made him angrier and he would just hit you harder so I stopped trying after awhile. I thought that if I didn’t try to protect you that he would leave you alone, and for awhile he did. I thought that if I didn’t show you too much affection he wouldn’t resent you so much. I’m so sorry, Brian. The only excuse I have is that I’m weak. I’m not a strong person like you are. I needed my husband to take care of me. Divorce is not an option for me. I had you kids to think about. What would I have done if he left me? I don’t have any skills to get a job even if I wanted to, and your grandmother would never have helped me. I did what I thought was best.” Joan was sobbing silently, horrified by how pitiful her explanation sounded to her own ears. Suddenly, she realized what a huge mistake she had made, and wished she could turn back time, but it was too late. The damage had been done. Now all she could do is pray that her son could forgive her.

“But it wasn’t what was best, Mom. It was your job to protect me, to make sure that I was okay. But I’m not okay. I just pushed away the one person I love because I don’t think I deserve to be loved. I mean, if my own parents couldn’t even love me, who could?” Brian’s voice broke on a sob that he couldn’t hold back. All the emotions that he had been spending years holding back were threatening to come out and all he wanted to do was run, but he knew he had to do this. Not only for him, but for Justin. He couldn’t stand to see the pain he was causing and had to put a stop to it.

“Oh Brian, I’m so sorry that you thought I didn’t love you. I made so many mistakes in my life and you seem to be the one paying the price. Please don’t turn away from love because you think you don’t deserve it. You deserve all the love and happiness you can find in life, and don’t you dare think anything else. You’re a handsome, intelligent young man with your whole life ahead of you. Don’t throw all that away because of your father and me. You go grab this love of yours and hold on to it with all you have. Otherwise you’ll wake up one day with too many regrets to count. Believe me. I know what it’s like. I’ll never regret having you or your sister, but I will regret the pain I caused you for the rest of my life. Don’t let my failures cause you to spend your life alone.” Joan could see some of the clouds begin to fade in her son’s eyes and knew she made the right decision in opening up to him. She would pray that one day he would be able to forgive her, but right now all she wanted to do was help him move past all the pain and find happiness.

Brian watched his mother through the tears in his eyes and any anger he had for her was replaced with sadness. He knew that he would never have a real relationship with her. The wounds ran too deep. But he would forgive her. He needed to if he wanted to move forward with Justin, and he wanted that more then he wanted anything else in his life. Walking towards the bed, he surprised Joan by giving her a kiss on the cheek.

“Thank you for being honest with me,” he whispered, still overcome with emotion. He turned to walk out the door when he heard her speak in a soft voice.

“Brian, for what it’s worth, I do love you.”

Brian just looked at her for a moment before walking out the door away from his past and towards his future with Justin.

When Brian got down to the lobby he took a deep breath, and for the first time in a week, he felt like he was going to be okay. He started walking, trying to figure out what he was going to do next. He knew he needed to apologize to Justin. He just needed to find the right words to explain why he did what he did. After walking around town for a couple hours, Brian realized that there were no right or wrong words. He just needed to be honest and tell the truth. He just hoped that everything would work out in the end. If he lost Justin, he didn’t know what he would do. With that thought in his head, he headed towards home to try to make things right.

Justin was lying on his bed thinking about all that had happened between him and Brian in the last week. He couldn’t help replaying everything over and over again in his mind, trying to figure out if there was something he could do to make things right. He had the house to himself since his father was away on a business trip and his mother took his sister to visit his grandmother. She wanted Justin to go, but his heart wasn’t into it, so she agreed to let him stay home. Justin was so lost in thought that he didn’t hear Brian come into the house and jumped at the soft knock at his door.

“Come in,” Justin called, with his heart racing in his chest. It was the first time all week that Brian sought him out and Justin was a little hopeful by what it could mean.

“Hey. Are you busy?” Brian asked tentatively. While he was walking around, he couldn’t wait until he talked to Justin, but now that he was there he was scared. He didn’t know what he would do if Justin pushed him away.

“No. I was just lying here thinking. Did you want something?” Justin knew that he sounded a little cold, but he couldn’t help himself. After all the tension between him and Brian, he wasn’t sure if he was ready for more.

“Yeah, I uh…I was kinda hoping to talk to you about the way I’ve been acting lately,” Brian replied, suddenly wondering if maybe he was too late.

“Look Brian, I don’t think…” Justin tried to say before he was interrupted by Brian.

“Please, just hear me out. You don’t have to say anything, just listen to me, and then if you want to, you can throw me out of your room,” Brian pleaded, approaching the bed as he spoke. Justin didn’t respond to his request, so Brian took that as a good sign. He sat on the bed next to where Justin was sitting and took the boy’s hand in his. This was his opportunity to open his heart up to the person he loved and he wanted to make sure he did it right. He took a deep breath before he began.

“Let me say first that I love you. I think I’ve loved you since I saw you walk into Ryder on your first day. You took my breath away and all I could think about was getting to know you. I knew you were someone special then, and when I found out that you felt something for me too, I was the happiest person in the world. I had a few moments of doubt about whether I was good enough for you, but I pushed those thoughts away and just enjoyed being with you. You made it so easy to forget who I was and where I came from. I really thought that everything would be okay. On the night you came to my house and met my parents, I was sure that once you saw the real me you would run, but it just seemed to make us stronger and I love you for that. Then my mother got sick and I thought it was my opportunity to make things right with my family. I was actually dumb enough to think that after what happened, my parents would welcome me back into the family, apologizing for the way they hurt me. In fact, I think my mother was ready to do just that, until my father walked in. He said that I was dead to them and my mother just looked at me like there was nothing she could do. It never even crossed her mind to stand up for her son. Even though I grew up knowing they didn’t love me, I was still hurt by how easy it was for them to throw me away.” Brian stopped to get control of his emotions. He could feel a tear running down his face and cursed himself for his weakness.

“Brian…” Justin started, wiping away a stray tear from Brian’s face.

“No, just let me finish. I have to tell you why I did what I did. When you found me by the lake, I was a mess. All I could think about was how stupid I was to think that things would be different. When I was lying in bed that night, I couldn’t help but think back over the years. I began to wonder what was wrong with me that my own parents couldn’t love me. I was sure that it was something in me that caused them to feel the way they did. I started to think about us and I was sure that I wasn’t good enough for you. Whatever it was that my parents couldn’t love was still in me. I didn’t think I could handle it if you saw that too and pushed me away. I was doing what I thought was best when I pushed you away. I’m so sorry for that. After talking to your mother this morning, I began to realize that maybe it wasn’t me. I thought that if your parents could take me in and treat me like part of the family, maybe it wasn’t me? This morning I went to see my mother. She told me that she loved me, but she felt she was just too weak to stand up to Jack. She said I deserved all the love I could find, and that if I found someone I loved to grab that person and hold on tight. That’s what I want to do. I want to grab you and hold on tight. If you’ll still have me?” Brian asked cautiously. He couldn’t read the expression in Justin’s face and each second that went by felt like a lifetime.

“Brian, I love you so much. Don’t you ever do this to us again. Do you understand?” Justin cried as he threw himself into Brian’s arms. He never thought he would be as happy as he was at that moment. He knew he’d have to thank his mother for whatever it was she had said that morning. Her words had brought Brian back to him.

Pulling back and looking into Justin’s eyes before taking his lips in a passionate kiss, he saw love looking back. As soon as he felt Justin part his lips, Brian plunged his tongue deep inside his warm mouth, shocked by how much he had missed the boy’s taste. While their hands roamed each other’s body, a week long need caused their bodies to respond immediately. Brian knew that neither one of them would last long. He pushed Justin down on the bed, removing the boy’s shirt as he did, and then pulled off his own. Their chests connected setting Brian on fire and he was mentally trying to control himself when he heard Justin moan.

“Fuck me, Brian. I want to feel you inside of me,” he whispered, needing to be filled up by the boy he loved. They had time later to take things slow, but after a week of separation, Justin just wanted to have Brian take him to heaven.

“Anything for you, Sunshine,” Brian whispered back, reaching for the condom and lube.

After quickly discarding the rest of their clothes, Brian generously spread the lube on his fingers, inserting first one, and then another in Justin’s waiting hole. He could hear Justin moaning from the intrusion and the sound caused his own cock to start leaking in anticipation. Working quickly, he prepared the boy for what was to come. Once he was sure Justin was ready, he withdrew his fingers and quickly rolled the condom on his cock. Placing Justin’s legs on his shoulders, he entered the boy slowly, allowing him time to adjust. When he was sure Justin was ready for more, he looked deep into the blue eyes looking up at him, and began thrusting in and out. Brian knew that there was nowhere else he would rather be. No words were needed to express what they were each feeling. The love between them was evident in their lovemaking. Feeling the pressure building quickly, he reached down, taking Justin’s cock in his hand. It only took a few tugs before he felt Justin’s hole tighten in climax sending Brian over the edge. Brian collapsed on the smaller frame beneath him trying to catch his breath.

“Wow! That was amazing! I missed you so much, Brian. I thought I lost you forever,” Justin admitted when his breathing was back to normal. He was holding on tight to Brian, not wanting the connection to be broken. He had thought his life was over when he lost Brian and he didn’t want to feel that pain again.

“I wasn’t lost, Sunshine. I just took the wrong path for awhile, but I found my way back and I’ll never wander away again,” Brian replied. He kissed Justin softly before rolling away long enough to dispose of the condom. He climbed back into bed taking Justin in his arms, knowing he finally made the right decision. They drifted off to sleep content to be together once again.

Jennifer entered the house surprised at the silence that greeted her. She had left Molly at her mother’s house, figuring that with everything going on between Brian and Justin, it might be best if she stayed there for the night. Craig wouldn’t be back for a week and hopefully by then things would be back to normal. After putting her purse down she went upstairs to see if anyone was home. Tapping on Brian’s room first, she received no response to her light knocking and hoped that he was okay. When she didn’t get an answer at Justin’s room, she opened the door quietly peeking in, and was surprised by what she saw. Brian and Justin were sound asleep in each other’s arms; both of them appeared to be at peace. She took in the clothes thrown around the room and knew that she should be upset by what they had done, but she couldn’t help but smile at the realization that her boys had worked things out and were back together again. Closing the door softly, she thought about what she would make for dinner to celebrate the boy’s being back together. She would have to lay down some ground rules as to what was appropriate in her home, but for now she would just leave them be to enjoy their reunion.


End of part 17
7/20/03

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