Coming Out

Chapter 15

After the incident with Joan, Brian tried to pretend that everything was okay, but Justin could sense a change in him. He was quiet a lot and always wanted to be alone in his room. Justin approached him about it a few times but he was always told that everything was fine. Even Jennifer commented on the changes she’d seen in Brian in the last week. It just seemed as if nothing could get Brian out of the mood he was in. Things got worse one night at dinner after Justin had mentioned Brian’s upcoming birthday. It was two weeks away and Justin still hadn’t decided on a present. He figured if he brought the subject up he might be able to get some clues as to what to buy.

“So Brian. Are you excited about your birthday coming up? It’s only two weeks away,” Justin said, hoping to get Brian to talk about it.

“What’s there to be excited about? I’ll just be another year older. At this rate, I’ll be thirty and over the hill in no time,” Brian replied without any emotion.

“Brian, thirty is not over the hill, thank you very much,” Jennifer joked, trying to get Brian to lighten his mood. She hated to see him so down, and knew it had something to do with the way his parents rejected him once again. Even though he would never admit it, he was a very sensitive person, and being rejected by his parents for a second time really hurt him emotionally.

“Sorry, Jennifer. I didn’t mean anything by that. I’m done eating so I think I’ll just go up to my room for awhile and read,” Brian replied. He got up and put his plate in the dishwasher before heading upstairs.

Justin waited until he heard Brian’s door close before voicing his concerns. He needed to do something about the way Brian was acting before things between them started falling apart. They haven’t spent a moment alone together since coming home from the lake a week ago and Justin was beginning to feel like Brian was purposely trying to avoid him.

“Mom, what are we going to do about Brian? I hate to see him so upset.” Justin said hoping that his mother had some advice on the best way to get Brian out of the funk he’d been in.

“Honey, your father and I discussed it and we think that it would be best to just give him the space he seems to need right now. He’s had it rough lately, and after the fiasco at the hospital last week, he might just need some time to get his head together. I’m sure that in a few weeks things will be back to normal,” Jennifer assured him even though she was really starting to worry, too.

Justin wanted to say more, but his father and Molly were at the table, so it wasn’t the best time to discuss his concerns about his boyfriend. Maybe his mother was right. Maybe all he needed was some time alone to sort things out. Justin couldn’t imagine what it must be like for Brian to have his parents turn their backs on him. That thought made Justin happy that his mother had been so understanding when she found out about him and Brian. He would do his best to give Brian the space he needed and pray that everything would be alright.

“Mom, I’m going to run down to Daphne’s house for awhile. I’ll be back around nine,” he said as he walked towards the door. He was reaching for the doorknob when his mother caught up to him. She obviously had more to say without his father around to hear it.

“Honey, try not to worry too much about Brian. This doesn’t have anything to do with you. Brian’s probably just feeling a little hurt by his parents rejection right now. Just let him know that you’re there for him and I’m sure he’ll come around,” Jennifer told him, hopting to ease her son’s mind a bit.

“I’m trying Mom, it’s just so hard. I love him so much and seeing him like this is killing me. I just want to make everything better for him but I don’t know how,” Justin admitted fighting back the tears that were threatening to fall.

“I don’t think there’s anything you can do right now other then what you’re already doing. Just give him some time and be there if he needs you. He’ll come around in time, you’ll see.” Jennifer said taking her son in her arms.

“Thanks for everything, Mom. It’s nice to have someone to talk to about this, and incase I haven’t said it lately, I love you,” Justin said as he hugged her back.

“I love you too, Justin. Now go out and have fun with Daphne. Brian will be just fine,” she said, and as she watched her son walk away, she found herself hoping that she was right.

Brian sat in his room thinking about his situation with Justin. It was obvious that he wasn’t good enough for the blond. Even his own parents threw him away, not once, but twice. All he had to do was find away to let Justin go without causing him too much pain. The last thing Brian wanted to do was hurt the boy, but he knew that staying with him would only drag Justin down. After the scene at the hospital, Brian had spent the night thinking about his relationship with Justin and had come to the conclusion that if he broke things off with him now, it would be better for them both in the long run. With his decision made Brian spent the week distancing himself from his boyfriend. It had hurt like hell to shut Justin out the way he had, but there was no other way. Justin needed to find someone worthy of his love, not be saddled with an emotional wreck that couldn’t even get his own parents to love him.

As Brian sat there lost in thought, he heard a knock on the door. He was afraid it was Justin, coming to ask him for the hundredth time if he was okay. He got up and opened the door and was surprised to see Jennifer on the other side.

“Hi Jennifer, what’s up?” Brian asked, wondering what she was doing there. Other than the night she’d confronted him about his feelings for Justin she never came to his room.

“Sorry to bother you, Brian. Can I come in for a minute?” She asked, seeing the pain he was feeling in his eyes. It broke her heart to see Brian suffering in silence and wanted to help him.

“Yeah, come on in. Is something wrong?” He asked. He could tell by the look on her face that something was on her mind and he didn’t think he was going to like what she had to say.

Jennifer entered the room, closing the door behind her, and sat down on the edge of the bed next to Brian. She wasn’t sure if trying to talk to him right now was a good idea, especially after she told Justin to give him some space, but she had to try.

“Brian, I’m worried about you. Ever since you saw your parents the other day, you seem so…distant. Would you like to talk about it? I’m a really good listener,” Jennifer offered hoping Brian would take her up on it.

“I’m sorry Jennifer; I guess I just have a lot on my mind. I’ll be okay, though. Don’t worry,” Brian answered honestly. He didn’t want to lie to her and give her some bullshit excuse for his behavior. He did have a lot on his mind, and he would be okay, once he got Justin to move on.

“Brian, what your parents did was wrong on so many levels, but it has nothing to do with the person you are. You are a wonderful boy and any parent would be lucky to have you. Craig and I love having you here and I know Justin does, too. Please don’t let them hurt you anymore. I understand that you needed to try to work things out with them, but they’re sick, Brian. They’re the ones with the problem, not you.” Jennifer tried to explain, hoping that what she was saying was getting through to the boy. His face was expressionless and Jennifer couldn’t tell if what she was saying was having any effect on him whatsoever.

“I know. It just hurts to know that the two people in the world who are supposed to love you unconditionally couldn’t care less. Could you imagine what they would do if they found out I’m gay? But really, I’ll be alright. There is no need to worry about me,” Brian told her, knowing that she would worry anyway. That was just the way she was and Justin was very lucky to have her as his mother.

“Brian, I’ll always worry about you. You’re one of us now and don’t you forget it,” she laughed as she pulled him into a hug. She just hoped he believed what she was saying, because she knew it was true. They all considered him to be one of the family; even Molly said she thought it was cool having two brothers, instead of one.

“I won’t,” Brian promised, enjoying the feel of a mother’s hug. He tried to think back to a time when his own mother had given him a hug, but he couldn’t remember ever being in his mother’s arms.

“Okay, I’ll get out of your hair now. If you ever want to talk, you know where to find me,” she said, walking towards the door.

“I know Jennifer and thanks…for everything,” he replied, watching her smile at him before walking out the door, closing it behind her. Now he knew where Justin got his sunshine smile from. Feeling the love that the Taylor’s had for him, made him want to rethink his decision about Justin, but he knew that wasn’t an option. The next time he saw the blond, he was going to break it off with him. It was for his own good.

Justin walked in the front door around nine and saw that his parents were curled up on the couch watching a movie. He didn’t want to disturb them so he headed upstairs to talk to Brian. He knocked on the door and waited until he heard the familiar voice call out to him before entering. He saw Brian standing by the window, looking out at the nighttime sky. He walked over and put his arms around Brian’s waist but was hurt when Brian pulled away and walked over to the bed.

“Brian, what’s wrong with you? I have been trying to get you alone all week, but you won’t even let me touch you,” Justin asked sadly. He felt as if his heart was breaking by the obvious brush off he was receiving.

“Look Justin, this just isn’t working out. Maybe if we weren’t living in the same house things would be different, but I just can’t do this anymore. I need my space. We work together, we live together, we do everything together and it’s just too much. I need to go out and be myself without having to worry about checking in every five minutes. I’m sorry if I hurt you. I really thought that things would be okay, but I can’t lie to myself anymore. School is starting soon and I want to be able to enjoy my senior year. I don’t want to be tied down with a boyfriend anymore. You need to find yourself someone who wants to only be with you.” Brian said using everything he had to keep from taking Justin in his arms and telling him it was all lies. He could see the pain in his eyes, and the tears silently running down his face, and he felt dead inside to know that he was the one causing that pain. He waited, holding his breath, for Justin’s reply.

“Wh…what…do you mean? I…I…I…thought you lo…loved me? Why are you doing this? I don’t understand. Brian please, we can work this out. I won’t bother you so much anymore. You can go out if you want; you don’t have to tell me where you’re going…I won’t even ask. I’m sorry for whatever I did that upset you, just please don’t do this,” Justin cried, not even bothering to try to stop the tears that were running down his face. He knew that something was bothering Brian, but he had no idea that he was the cause of it. He could feel his whole body shake at the thought of Brian not loving him anymore. This had to be a mistake, there had to be something more going on. He needed to get Brian to see that this was a mistake, but when he looked into his eyes, he was shocked by the emptiness he saw there. It was as if Brian didn’t care that he was crushing his heart. The look made him cry even harder.

“Justin, stop crying. You had to know this was going to happen. I told you when I moved in here that our being together was a bad idea. You need to move on, forget about what we had. It’s over.” Brian growled, wanting Justin to leave before he broke down and cried right along with him. Even though he knew it was going to be hard to end things he had no idea it would be this hard. Brian was hurting the one person who had made him feel alive, and he’d never forgive himself for that, but he knew it was the only way. It was better to break it off now, before Justin became any more attached then he already was. Brian just hoped that Justin would be able to forgive him in time, even if he’d never be able to forgive himself.

“But Brian, can’t we just…” Justin tried again to make Brian see reason, but was interrupted by Brian’s curt reply.

“No, we can’t. Now leave me alone, I have things to do.” Brian replied, turning away to make his statement understood. The conversation was over, and Brian had won; only there were no winners this time. He kept his back turned until he heard Justin leave the room and then he allowed the tears to flow. Brian was sure he had never experienced this much pain before, not even when his parents rejected him. All he wanted to do was run down the hall and beg for forgiveness, but instead he curled up on his bed and let the quiet sobs overtake him. He remembered the expression ‘time heals all wounds’ but he didn’t believe it. He knew from the depth of the pain he was feeling, that his heart would never be healed.

End of part 15
7/10/03

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