Coming Home

Chapter 3

Brian sighed with relief as he walked into the apartment and closed the door behind him. The first thing he did was walk into the bedroom and take a look in the closet. As expected, the right side was empty and Brian knew that Cole was gone with no plans of returning. He knew he should’ve been a little more upset about his boyfriend’s departure, but Tyler’s voice kept ringing in his ears, telling him to go after Justin. Was it possible that Tyler was right? Was Justin still in love with him? And if he was, why did he leave in the first place? Nothing made any sense and as he threw himself down on his bed, he thought back to the last few months that they’d been together, replaying everything over and over again, trying to figure out what he had missed. What had happened to make the man he loved walk away without looking back?

Justin tried to enjoy the rest of the day with his family, but his mind kept going back to the night before and how great it was to have Brian inside him again after so long. By the time Molly left and his parents had gone up to bed, Justin was completely exhausted. From his lack of sleep and all the stress of the situation between him and Brian, he could barely keep his eyes open.

“Alright beautiful, it’s time to get you to bed,” Tyler said, nudging his friend.

“I’m sorry, Ty. I’m sure the last thing you want to do is go to bed at 11:00. I’m just suddenly very tired,” Justin replied, stifling a yawn. “It’s been a long day.”

“No problem. Just show me where I can lay my head and I’ll be fine. I didn’t get much sleep last night either,” Tyler assured him and they headed up the stairs.

“Thanks again for being here. It means a lot to me that you would jump on a plane and stand by me through this.”

“I’d do anything for you, Justin. You know that.”

“I know; that’s why I love you so much.” Justin had just kissed his friend good night as they stood outside the guest bedroom, when Justin suddenly had doubts about letting Tyler inside. As silly as it was, Justin still considered the room to be Brian’s and he didn’t like the thought of having anyone else use it. “You know what? Why don’t you sleep in Molly’s old room tonight? I’m sure she wouldn’t mind since she moved out and hardly ever stays here anymore.”

Tyler was a little confused by Justin’s sudden change in demeanor, but decided not to question him on it as Justin opened the door to his sister’s room and motioned him inside. “A bed’s a bed. Good night, beautiful. Sweet dreams.”

“Good night, Ty. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Once Justin was alone in his room, he stripped down to his underwear and climbed into bed. He thought he’d have some trouble falling asleep, but started drifting off to sleep the minute his head hit the pillow and was startled when his phone rang.

“Hello?” Justin whispered into the phone, trying to pull himself out of the haze he was in.

“Why did you leave?” Brian asked softly as soon as Justin answered.

“Brian?”

“It’s been two years and I still don’t know what happened. I think I have a right to know. Just tell me why you left,” Brian demanded. He’s been sitting alone for hours unable to stop the memories that had been replaying in his head every since that fateful day he walked into the apartment and realized that Justin was gone. He knew he couldn’t go on wondering anymore. He had to get the answers to all the questions that had been hanging over his head.

Justin sighed as he listened to the sadness in Brian’s voice and knew the time had come for him to tell Brian why he left. He didn’t think it really mattered anymore, but he was right. He did have a right to know. “I may have moved away, but you left long before I did.”

“What? What the fuck are you talking about? I never left you. I was there the whole time. I thought everything was fine between us. I went away on a business trip and came home to find out that my boyfriend…my partner moved across the country. You left me a fucking note. You didn’t even have the decency to tell me you were leaving.” Brian was trying to keep a hold on his anger, but it wasn’t easy. Bitterness had settled in during their time apart.

“You may have been there in body, but emotionally you were long gone. Did you think I wouldn’t notice? You shut down on me. You stopped talking to me and threw yourself into work. You disappeared every Saturday for hours at a time and when you came home…it was as if you weren’t even there. I tried to get you to talk to me. I begged you to tell me what was wrong, but you kept insisting that you were fine. What was I supposed to think? I finally realized that you just didn’t love me anymore, but were afraid to tell me, so I saved you the trouble. I left before you had the chance to tell me to go.” Justin wiped away the tears that were silently rolling down his face.

“Why didn’t you say something? Why didn’t you tell me how unhappy you were? Why didn’t you fucking say good bye?” Brian replied, feeling a tightening in his chest at the realization of the pain he caused Justin by his silence.

“Maybe I shouldn’t have left without saying good bye, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle hearing you say the words. My heart was already broken, but hearing you say that you didn’t love me, that you didn’t want me anymore would’ve killed me.”

“You wouldn’t have heard that. I didn’t stop loving you or wanting you. Fuck, even now after two years have gone by, I still love you with all my heart,” Brian admitted softly.

“I…I can’t do…this now, Brian. I…have to go.”

“Justin, wait!” Brian cried, only to hear the dial tone ringing in his ear. He throw the phone across the room and lay quietly in his empty bed, cursing himself for his foolish mistakes and hoping that it might not be too late to fix things. He knew what he had to do and he planned on doing it as soon as possible.

Justin hung up the phone and gave into the sobs that had been threatening to overtake him. How could he have been so stupid? If what Brian was saying was true, he made the biggest mistake of his life two years ago and the pain in his heart was almost more than he could bear. He didn’t hear the soft knock on his door over the sound of his crying and jumped when he felt a hand gently touch his shoulder.

“Jus, are you okay?” Tyler asked softly. He had been lying in bed trying to sleep when he heard the faint sound of a phone ringing. He listened in the silence, figuring that Brian would be the only one to call so late and soon heard the sound of his closest friend crying. His heart broke for the blond who had become so important to him and he knew he needed to go to him and offer him as much comfort as he could.

“Will you hold me? I…I…just need you to hold me,” Justin pleaded tearfully.

Tyler climbed on the bed and laid down, pulling Justin with him and held his friend while he cried in his arms. “Shhh…it’s okay. Everything’s going to be okay.”

Justin listened to Tyler’s soothing words and sank into his arms, wondering if what he said was even possible. Things hadn’t been okay in a long time and he couldn’t help but wonder if they’d ever be again.

 

*****

Brian finally fell into a restless sleep, the sound of Justin’s tears echoing in his mind. He wanted to call the blond back as soon as the line went dead, but figured they could both use a little time to pull themselves together before continuing with there conversation. A conversation that was long overdue. When he awoke the next morning, he wasn’t surprised to see that he’d only been asleep for a couple of hours. He dragged himself out of bed and made a pot of coffee, needing the caffeine more than ever before. He finally showered and got dressed before making his way out of the apartment. It was the moment of truth and he was ready to do what he had to do to get Justin back home where he belonged.

Justin woke up a little disoriented and looked around the room before the events of the previous night kicked in and he groaned at the memory. Brian had told him that he still loved him. The guilt of all the pain he caused by walking away threatened to consume him and he had quickly hung up, unable to deal with the emotional roller coaster he’d been on since returning home. He never heard Ty come in, but as soon as he saw the other man he collapsed in his arms and allowed himself to be comforted as he fell asleep.

As he stared down at the sleeping man beside him, he couldn’t help but regret the fact that he couldn’t return Tyler’s feelings. Justin had realized almost from the beginning that Tyler cared about him as more than just a friend, but since he knew where Justin stood in his feelings for Brian, he never pushed the issue. A part of Justin wished he could get past his love for his ex, but after two years apart, he knew that it wasn’t going to happen. Now he was faced with the possibility of getting back the love of his life and he was more scared than he’d ever been. Did he dare begin to hope for something that at one time felt so impossible?

He quietly slipped out of bed and headed for the shower, wanting to try to wash away some of the guilt and pain that he was feeling. When he entered his room again, he saw that the bed was empty and dressed quickly before going downstairs. He thought he’d take Tyler on a tour of the city now that the holiday was over and everything was open again. He found Tyler sitting at the kitchen table talking to his mother.

“Good morning,” he said, trying to sound more chipper than he felt.

“Morning honey,” Jennifer replied with a smile. “Wow, it’s so good to have you home.”

“Thanks Mom. Where’s Dad? Is he still sleeping?”

“No, he went into the office for awhile,” Jennifer said as she poured her son a glass of juice.

“I see he still spends too much time working. I thought you talked him into giving up his Saturday’s in the office?”

“I did, but he used the excuse that he missed two days because of the holiday and wanted to catch up. You know how he is,” Jennifer sighed.

“Yeah, it’s nice to know that some things never change,” Justin chuckled before turning towards his friend. “Hey, how’d you sleep?”

“Not bad considering someone kept hogging all the covers,” Tyler teased, watching the way Justin looked over at his mother and blushed. “How’re you doing this morning? Feeling any better?”

“I’m not sure. I’m trying to forget about everything for awhile so I can play the good host and show you around,” Justin admitted, avoiding eye contact with his mother and Tyler. “So what do you say? How about if after breakfast we jump in the car and I’ll show you all Pittsburgh has to offer.”

“Justin, if you’d rather…”

“No, it’s okay. I need to get out of here,” Justin said, interrupting Tyler before he could say anymore. He was about to continue when they all heard the sound of the front door being slammed. “I guess Dad decided to come home early.”

“But he’s only been gone an hour,” Jennifer said in confusion.

Everyone turned to look at the doorway and were shocked when Brian walked through the door. No one expected to see him there so early, if at all.

“Good, you’re dressed. I need you to come with me,” Brian said somewhat harshly and he grabbed Justin by the arm.

“Brian, what are you doing? You can’t just walk in here and drag me out. I have plans for the day with Tyler,” Justin said, trying to stop the fluttering sensation that was swirling around in his stomach from just a simple touch.

“Please?” Brian begged, softening his voice, almost oblivious to the other two people in the room.

“Go ahead, beautiful. I’m still a little tired anyway. We can always go out later,” Tyler assured him, fighting back the smile that threatened to break out on his face. “Jennifer, you don’t mind having me hanging around here, right?”

Jennifer heard Tyler address her and forced herself to look away from Brian and Justin to reply. “Not at all. In fact, you can help me hook up the new computer Craig got me for Christmas. Justin told me you’re a wiz when it comes to things like that.”

“Good, then it’s settled. You two run along and we’ll see you later,” Tyler said, nodding his encouragement to Justin.

“Okay…I guess…I’ll see you later,” Justin stammered, totally confused by what was going on around him.

Brian sighed with relief. He wasn’t sure how he was going to get Justin to go with him if he refused and he really believed it was the only way to explain what he was going through two years ago. He finally looked up, acknowledging Jennifer and Tyler with a small smile before pulling Justin out of the kitchen.

“I wonder what that was all about,” Jennifer asked once she and Tyler were alone.

“I’m not sure, but I have a feeling that things are about to heat up. Your little boy might just be back to living on the east coast before this trip is over,” Tyler said, trying to control the sadness he felt as he thought about losing his friend.

Jennifer noticed the sad look on Tyler’s face and realized that his feelings for her son were more than friendly. “You love him, don’t you?”

Tyler’s head shot up at her words and he thought about denying it, but knew that there was no point. From what he heard about Jennifer Taylor, she was always very observant. “Yes I do; enough to let him go so that he can be with the man he loves.”

“Thank you,” Jennifer whispered as she laid a comforting hand on his shoulder.

“I’m going to go take a shower,” Tyler said, putting an end to their conversation. “When I’m done, we’ll work on getting that computer hooked up.” He left the kitchen without looking back and headed upstairs to come to terms with the changes that were about to take place.

Justin sat in the jeep while Brian drove through the city and headed towards the expressway. Neither one of them had said a word since leaving the house and Justin couldn’t help but wonder where they were going. “Brian?”

“You were right. I was gone back then, but it had nothing to do with you or my feelings for you. I was dealing with some personal issues and I just wasn’t ready to share them with anyone,” Brian said, never taking his eyes off the road.

“But we were partners. If you had personal issues, you should’ve come to me. Maybe I could’ve helped you, or at least been more understanding and given you some space without pushing so hard,” Justin replied.

“Justin, you know how I was. You helped me overcome so much in our time together, but sharing my feelings was still so hard for me. I just thought that I needed to work though everything on my own. I had no idea that I was hurting you or giving you reason to think that I didn’t love you anymore.”

Justin feel the dampness in his eyes at Brian’s explanation and for the first time in two years he actually allowed himself to have hope that maybe things would work out after all. “Where are we going?”

“I think it’s long past time to let you in on what I was dealing with. Just be patient and you’ll understand. Can you do that?” He took his eyes off the road for a moment and looked over at Justin.

“I’ve waited this long. What’s a little longer?” Justin replied quietly, giving Brian a small smile.

“Thank you,” Brian whispered, reaching out and taking Justin’s hand in his. He was happy when Justin didn’t pull away and they continued the rest of the ride in silence, each man lost in thought.

A couple of hours later Justin was stunned when Brian turned into the parking lot of Ashton Hall Nursing and Rehabilitation Center. He looked over at the other man, but couldn’t read his expression. Once the car was parked, Justin climbed out and followed Brian inside. He wanted to ask what they were doing there, but figured he’d just be patient like Brian asked of him and wait for everything to be revealed. He was surprised when one of the nurses greeted Brian affectionately.

“Hey sweetie, what’re you doing here?”

“Where else would I be, Bonnie? It’s Saturday,” Brian replied with a smile.

“Is it? Damn, these holidays always screw me up. I better go back over my charts and make sure I’m dating them right,” Bonnie laughed as she look over at the blond standing next to him. “Who’s your friend? I’ve never seen you here with anyone before.”

“This is Justin. He’s in for the holidays and I thought he could keep me company today. Justin, this is Bonnie.” Brian made the introductions, hoping that Bonnie wouldn’t say anything to embarrass him. In the two years that Brian had been visiting his mother, he’d become very close to the woman and shared some of his private life with her. She’d noticed the change in him after the break-up and continued to push him until he finally gave in and admitted to losing his partner. He could see in her eyes that she knew exactly who Justin was.

“Oh…it’s uh…nice to meet you Justin,” she said, looking at Brian closely for his reaction to having Justin with him. For the first time in a long time, she actually saw a spark of something resembling happiness in his eyes.

“It’s nice to meet you, too,” Justin replied with a smile, hoping he didn’t look as confused as he felt. It was obvious that Bonnie knew who he was.

“Well, I’ll let you two get going. Will I see you at our meeting place today, or do you and Justin have to get back?”

“Of course you’ll see us. I can’t go a Saturday without coffee on the roof. You know that,” Brian assured her.

“Okay, see you in a bit.”

Justin watched the interaction between Brian and Bonnie and began to wonder exactly how much there was that he didn’t know about Brian.

“Come on,” Brian said, shaking Justin out of his thoughts.

Justin followed Brian down the hall and hesitated slightly when Brian turned and began walking into one of the rooms. “Brian?”

Brian smiled slightly and took Justin’s hand, leading him into the room. Justin gasped in surprise at the sight before him. Joan Kinney was lying in bed, looking older than she did when Justin last saw her. Her eyes were closed and she appeared to be sleeping, but something about the scene didn’t seem right. He looked over at Brian, but the other man just let go of his hand and walked over to his mother, almost oblivious to Justin’s presence.

“Hey Mom, how’re you doing today? I brought company with me today. You remember Justin, don’t you? He’s visiting his parents from San Diego.” Brian took the chart off the foot of the bed and looked through the pages there before addressing his mother once again. “I see you’ve gained a few pounds. I guess that new shit they’ve got you on is agreeing with you.”

Justin watched the way Brian seemed so at ease in the small, private room and tried to wrap his mind around all that he was seeing. He looked up at Brian and knew he must’ve looked as confused as he felt when Brian laughed and turned back to his mother.

“Mom, I’m going to go show Justin around. We’ll be back soon.” He grabbed Justin by the hand and once again led him down the semi empty hallway.

“Brian, what’s going on? Why is your mother here?”

“There’s a consultation office around the corner. Wait until we get there and I’ll explain,” Brian said, stopping the questions that Justin wanted answers to.

Brian approached the nurses’ desk and spoke softly to a woman who was standing there reading a chart. She smiled at him and nodded her head, but Justin couldn’t make out what they were saying. He once again allowed Brian to lead the way, this time ending up in what must have been the consultation room. He walked over to the window and looked out along the expansive grounds, trying to make sense of it all.

“I guess it’s time you learned the truth,” Brian said as he looked at the back of Justin’s head.

“That would be nice,” Justin replied bitterly.

“Clair started calling me about a year before you left. She was worried about my mother. She claimed that she’d been drinking too much and talking to her wasn’t working. I just assumed that she was overreacting and didn’t do anything about it. Why would I help her when she never did anything to help me? Then one day I got another call from Clair. She was hysterical and it took me almost ten minutes to calm her down enough to talk. Apparently mother dearest was drunk and decided to visit an old friend. She spun out on the turnpike and was rushed to the hospital. Most of her injuries healed, but the head trauma she received was substantial and she slipped into a coma. The doctors expected her to wake up, but it didn’t happen. I felt so…guilty. Maybe if I had talked to her about her drinking she would’ve listened and wouldn’t have been driving drunk in the first place. After a few weeks, the doctors suggested we put her in a home. She wasn’t sick enough to be in a hospital, but she obviously wasn’t well enough to go home. I did a lot of research and found this place. They specialize in patients like her. Since then I’ve spent every Saturday making the two hour trip out here. Who knows if she even knows I’m here? I sit with her, I talk to her; hell I’ve even bathed her a time or two. It isn’t much, but it’s the best I can do since I was too self-absorbed to try to talk to her before this happened.” Brian stopped talking and stared down at the floor, unable to look Justin in the eyes, He wasn’t sure what he was going to find there.

“Brian, why didn’t you say something to me? Or to Mom and Dad? They don’t know about this, do they?” Justin asked softly.

“No, no one knows but you. I was confused, I guess. After all your family had done for me, I just couldn’t tell them. I didn’t want them to know how affected I was by it all. I thought she was going to get better. That’s what the doctors kept saying, but week after week, month and after month, and still she sleeps on. A part of me thinks that she doesn’t deserve my loyalty. She abandoned me when I needed her most. She stood by while my father hurt me over and over again and did nothing. Yet another part of me feels like I need to be here for her. She’s my mother. She gave me life and even though I spent years wishing she didn’t, once I found you I was happy to be here. I couldn’t turn my back on her like she did to me.” Brian felt a stray tear roll down his cheek and cursed himself for allowing his emotions to get the better of him.

“Did you think that we wouldn’t understand? That I wouldn’t understand how much you needed to be here? My God Brian, she’s your mother. Okay, maybe she wasn’t a shining example of what a mother should be, but she’s still a part of you. I think I would’ve been more surprised if you looked the other way. As for your guilt over her drinking…there was nothing you could’ve done. She was obviously an alcoholic. If Clair couldn’t get through to her, chances are you wouldn’t have been able to either. She was a grown woman and able to make her own decisions. You can’t blame yourself for her weaknesses,” Justin assured him, his heart breaking for all that Brian had put himself through. “It wasn’t your fault.”

“But if I…”

“No, it wasn’t your fault. You’ve been a good son to her, despite all the bullshit. You’ve been here every week making sure she’s being taken care of and putting your whole life on hold in the process.”

“And it cost me the man I love,” Brian whispered. “I’m so sorry, Justin. I never knew you’d mistake what I was going through for something else. If I could go back and change things, I would. I would do anything to take away the pain I caused you.”

Justin walked over to where Brian was standing and took him in his arms. “Shhh…it’s okay. It was my fault for running away in the first place. I knew there was something going on with you. I should’ve pushed you harder, or at the very least given you more time to come to me. I never should’ve left without talking to you first.”

Brian held on to Justin, allowing the warmth of his arms to comfort him the way he yearned to be comforted for so long. He expected Justin’s anger, his sadness, and his pain. What he hadn’t expected was to be in Justin’s arms so easily and he reveled in the feeling of love that poured over him. “I need you to come home, Justin. I need to have you back where you belong. Say you’ll give me another chance. Please don’t leave me again.”

Justin listened to the desperation in Brian’s voice and wanted to promise him everything would be okay, but he wasn’t sure if he could. Realizing their mistakes was one thing, but getting past them and moving forward was another. He had a new life now. He had a nice apartment, and a job, and friends he cared about. Not to mention his independence. He wasn’t sure if he was ready to give that all up and come home, only to be pushed away again when things got hard. As much as he loved Brian, he needed time to work through his feelings and find a way to trust that if things got tough again, Brian wouldn’t shut him out.

“Brian, I can’t tell you how thrilled I am that you still love me. I’ve spent the last two years wondering what it was I did wrong and longing to be back here with you, but I don’t think I can just come back like nothing happened. We’ve hurt each other so much.”

“You don’t love me anymore?” Brian’s question held all the pain and fear that he felt inside.

“No, that’s not it. I never stopped loving you. I don’t think I ever will, but I’m not sure if it’s enough. It wasn’t the first time. What makes us think it’ll be any different now?”

“Because we’re different now; I’m different now. I promise you that I won’t keep anything from you anymore. I’ll tell you everything. I just don’t want to lose you again,” Brian said softly.

Justin could feel his resolve slipping away and needed to take a step back before he gave in completely and threw himself at Brian, promising to do whatever it took to bring keep them together again. “Maybe we can just take things slow. We haven’t even spoken to each other in two years. You can’t expect for us to just pick up right where we left off as if nothing happened.”

“Why not?”

“Brian, you said it yourself. We’re different now. We need time to try and re-establish ourselves before jumping back into something that didn’t work out the first time. Besides, I have a life in San Diego. I have friends and responsibilities there. A lot of people depend on me. I can’t just walk away from them,” Justin explained patiently.

Brian could feel his anger beginning to build at Justin’s words. Deep down inside, he knew that the blond was right, but it didn’t make it any easier for him to accept it. “And how are we supposed to re-establish ourselves when you live almost three thousand miles away?”

“Well, there are phones and emails and frequent flyer miles?” Justin said softly. He could sense Brian’s anger and knew he needed to say something to reassure the other man that he was willing to try to work things out. “Brian, I love you and would like nothing more than to spend my life with you the way we always planned, but I need for us to take things slow. This is too important to screw up. You have to trust me on this.”

Brian searched Justin’s eyes, looking for and finding the truth to his words. He would’ve loved to have Justin profess his undying love and agree to move back in immediately, but that would’ve been too easy. If he really thought about it, Justin was right. They needed some time to work on everything and get themselves back on track before moving back in together, but he knew without a doubt that they would be together again one day. He’d make sure of it. “I hope you have a lot of vacation time saved up,” Brian finally said with a touch of humor.

Justin smiled his first real smile in two years as he approached Brian seductively. “Luckily for you, I have plenty,” he said before reaching out and pulling Brian in for a deep kiss, sealing their fate. They’d been given a second chance and Justin hoped with all his heart that they’d be able to make it the second time around.

End of part 3
06/16/05
 

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