Innocent Betrayal

Chapter 8

It took two rounds of fucking before Brian and Justin were able to satisfy their needs and talk about their situation. They were lying in bed, coming down from their last orgasm when Justin spoke.

“What are we doing?” Justin asked quietly.

“Trying to get our heart rates back to normal?” Brian teased, trying to lighten the mood.

“Brian…”

“Sorry, I couldn’t resist. I have no fucking clue what we’re doing. I told myself last night after I got home that I wouldn’t come here. That I would call you and cancel, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. The thought of seeing you again; being with you was just too strong,” Brian admitted with a sigh. This whole thing was killing him. He prided himself on always being honest and here he was, lying to Kyle. He never expected to be in a relationship and this was one of the reasons why. Someone always got hurt.

“I don’t know how much longer I can lie to Luke. He loves me, Brian. He loves me so much and I love him, too. I don’t want to hurt him. He knows something is wrong. Last night he asked me to promise him I wouldn’t leave him.”

Brian took a deep breath, almost afraid to ask his next question. “What did you say?”

“I didn’t answer him; I couldn’t. I just went to the bathroom, but not before I saw the hurt in his eyes. We have to stop this now, before anyone gets hurt,” Justin replied sadly.

“I know you’re right, but do you think that’s even possible? We’ve only known each other for a couple of weeks and looks what’s happened. Do you really think it’s going to be easy for us to just stay away from each other?” Brian had his doubts, although he knew he had to try.

“Easy? It’s going to be the hardest things I’ve ever had to do, but what choice do we have? Luke and Kyle have to come first.” Justin wished he felt as confident as he sounded.

Brian felt a tightening in his chest at the thought of never being with Justin again, but he knew there wasn’t another choice. Luke and Kyle were good men and deserved better than what they were getting. “Then I guess this is goodbye,” Brian said softly, kissing Justin with all the feelings he had for the blond inside of him.

They made love once again, slowly and tenderly, saying goodbye to what they had and what they could have been.

When Justin got home that afternoon, he showered trying to wash away the guilt he was feeling after the afternoon he spent with Brian. He cleaned the house a bit and started dinner, wanting to do something nice for Luke, knowing what the evening was about to bring to them. He knew it was time to come clean and tell Luke what was going on. He owed him that much. His heart started hammering in his chest when he heard Luke walk through the door.

“Babe? Where are you?” Luke called from the doorway.

“I’m in the kitchen,” Justin replied, trying to stop the shaking that was going on inside of him. He turned around as Luke entered. “How was your day?”

“Okay, I guess; how was yours?” Luke could sense that Justin was upset and was afraid to ask him what was going on. He had a feeling he wasn’t going to like the answer.

“Alright. Why don’t you go upstairs and shower while I finish dinner? It’s so nice out I thought we could eat outside.” Justin avoided eye contact for fear of Luke seeing the guilt that he knew was there.

"Yeah, I could use a shower. I’ll be back down soon,” Luke said as he walked out of the kitchen.

Justin set up the table out on the deck and had everything ready when Luke returned. They had a nice meal together, talking about their week and what they wanted to accomplish over the weekend. No one bothered to comment on the elephant that was sitting at the table with them. After they finished eating, they cleaned up together and took a swim in the pool. By the time they finally made it upstairs for bed it was after eleven. Justin knew it was time to talk. He waited until they were in bed before speaking.

“Luke, we need to talk.”

“I figured as much,” Luke replied quietly. “Before you say anything, just know that I love you and I want what’s best for you. If that isn’t me, then I’ll understand. I won’t like it, but I don’t want you to be here if it’s not what you want.”

Justin looked at his partner and saw the love and fear in his face. It was killing him to know that he was the cause of that fear. “I love you, too.”

“But?”

“I’ve met someone,” Justin blurted out.

“Oh God,” Luke cried as he jumped out of bed.

“Luke…”

“No Justin, don’t say anything. I…I just…” Luke couldn’t even think through the pain in his chest. For some reason he never thought that this was what was going on. Maybe he’d been a fool, but he didn’t think anyone else was involved.

Justin watched Luke pacing the room like a caged animal and his heart broke. The tears he had been holding back since he said goodbye to Brian were beginning to break through and he couldn’t hold them back as they slowly trickled down his face. He waited for Luke to say something.

“I knew something was wrong; that something was bothering you but I didn’t think that this was it. I was stupid enough to think I was enough for you. I honestly believed that we were good together; that we would be together forever.” Luke felt as if the walls were closing in on him and he needed to get out; to get away from Justin. He reached for the clothes he discarded earlier.

“What are you doing?” Justin asked when he saw Luke trying to get dressed.

“I have to go…I need to…”

“Don’t go…please?” Justin begged, jumping out of bed.

“Why? What do you want from me Justin? Do you want me to say that it’s okay? That I don’t care that you’re out fucking around behind my back? Did you want me to stay and help you pack? You’re leaving, right?” As hurt as Luke was, the thought of Justin packing his things and moving out caused a pain to slice right through his chest.

Justin stopped moving for a moment. Did he want to leave? Was that the reason he decided to be honest with Luke? So that his guilt could be eased and he would have a reason to make the decision that he had been struggling with for the last few days? At that moment, the thought of moving out was almost more than he could bear. “Is that what you want?”

“Does it matter what I want?” Luke yelled, letting his anger show. “Because I didn’t want you to meet someone else; I didn’t want you to go out and fuck around on me; I didn’t want you to stop loving me.”

“I didn’t! God Luke, I didn’t stop loving you. My love for you has nothing to do with this,” Justin tried to assure him.

“How can you say that? How can you stand there and tell me that you love me when you’ve been cheating on me, seeing someone else? God, I’m so stupid. How long? How long has this been going on?” Luke didn’t really want to know but couldn’t stop himself from asking.

“I do love you. I didn’t plan for this to happen. I swear I never wanted to hurt you. I tried to fight it; to be faithful to you.”

Luke could see the pain in Justin’s eyes and knew that he was suffering. He knew that this was hard for him too and that just made the whole thing worse. He stopped pacing and stood in front of Justin, making sure to keep a safe distance between them. There was one more question that he had to ask; one more thing that he needed to know. “Do you love him?”

“Yes,” Justin whispered.

The final blow. That’s all Luke could think when he heard Justin’s reply. He could have fought if it was just a trick; if this person didn’t mean that much to Justin, but he did. Justin had fallen in love with someone else and now Luke was left feeling empty. His whole world had fallen apart in a matter of minutes. He finished getting dressed, feeling Justin’s eyes following his every move.

“Where are you going?” Justin asked tentatively when Luke was finished getting dressed.

“Does it matter?”

“Of course it does. You’re upset; I don’t think you should be out there alone. You could get hurt,” Justin said his concern evident in his voice.

“It’s too late for that. Nothing that can happen to me out there could hurt more than the pain I’m feeling right now. I just need to get away for a little while,” Luke admitted, brushing away a tear that had escaped.

Justin wanted to say more, but he didn’t think he had the right to. “Do you want me to be here when you get back?”

“Does it matter?” Luke asked once again.

“Yes, it does. I want to be here. I want to talk about this, but it’s your call. Tell me what you want me to do.”

“Be here,” Luke said softly before turning and walking away.

Justin waited until he heard the front door slam shut before he collapsed on the bed, giving in to the pain that was consuming him. “Oh God, what have I done?”

Things over in the Kinney/McDermott household weren’t all that much better.

Brian and Kyle had just finished eating a late dinner when Kyle broached the subject he’d been wanting to discuss all week.

“So, who’s this guy you’ve been fucking while I’ve been at the hospital all week?” Kyle asked, trying to keep his voice casual.

“Excuse me?” Brian asked, momentarily thrown off by Kyle’s question.

“Oh, come off it, Brian. You’ve never lied to me before; you’re too honest for that so don’t sit there and pretend you don’t know what I’m talking about. Is it serious?”

“No,” Brian replied. He didn’t consider that to be a lie. Justin was with Luke so how serious could it be?

“Were you going to tell me?”

“Probably not. It doesn’t matter, does it? You knew who I was when we got together and yet you still pushed me into a relationship. I told you I didn’t know if I could be monogamous; you went into this with your eyes wide open.” Brian was getting defensive. He didn’t like to be put on the spot.

“Have you been? Have you ever been monogamous or have you been screwing around behind my back all this time and I was too blind to see it?”

“No, you haven’t been blind. I’ve been a good little boy for a long time. This just happened and it wasn’t planned. It’s over, if that makes you feel any better.”

“Oh yeah, I feel much better now,” Kyle replied sarcastically. “Damn it, Brian. Why are you always trying to push me away? What is it that makes you so afraid of being in a relationship?”

“Do you really have to ask that? Look at all the pain it causes people? Why would anyone what to go through that if they didn’t have to?” Brian asked.

“See Brian, that’s the thing. Most people have to go through it because they can’t shut off their emotions the way that you do. The average person can’t control their feelings; who they fall in love with.” Kyle saw Brian wince at his words. “So what happens now?”

“I guess that’s up to you,” Brian replied honestly.

“I love you Brian, you know that, but I can’t sit back while you go out whenever the hell you want and get your needs met. We’ve discussed this before, remember? Maybe it would be best if you went to the loft for a few days to give us both time to think.” Kyle’s heart broke at the suggestion but he didn’t know what else to do. Brian wasn’t an easy person to love, but like he had said, a person can’t help who they fall in love with and Kyle loved Brian more than anyone else in his life.

“Should I pack enough clothes for the week, or should I just take it all?” Brian held back the emotions that were trying to surface.

“Let’s just worry about the week for now, shall we? We can decide on the rest later.”

Brian nodded and headed upstairs to pack. Ten minutes later, he walked back down with his overnight back to find Kyle still sitting in the same spot. He walked over and crouched down in front of his partner.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I do care about you,” Brian said softly. He leaned in and placed a soft kiss on his lips before getting up and walking away.

Kyle was left there, watching the love of his life walk away and wondered if Brian would ever be able to return his love or if he had just been wasting his time. He used to think he knew the answer, but now he wasn’t so sure.

Brian entered the loft slowly, as if in a trance. So much had happened in the last two weeks, causing his world to spin out of control. Even though he had refused to sell the loft, he never really thought he would be back there for anything more than a little getaway. Now being faced with the idea of moving back in, he wasn’t sure what to think.

He cared deeply for Kyle, figured out early on that he was different than all the rest. They had managed to fall into a relationship that was comfortable and complacent. It wasn’t one of fireworks and fanfare, at least not for Brian, but that was okay. He didn’t believe in all that bullshit. At least he didn’t before he met Justin. Now he wasn’t so sure. Something happened the night Brian saw Justin for the first time. He couldn’t explain it; didn’t know what to make of it, but something had shifted in him and it was causing him to hurt Kyle. The one man Brian ever cared enough about to spend his life with. Now all he could do was sit back and wait to see what happened next.

Justin sat alone in the bedroom, finally able to stop the tears but not the sadness that had overcome him. His life was such a mess and he had no one to blame for it but himself. He never meant for anything to happen. He was still confused by his attraction, his feelings, for Brian. He remembered the first time he looked into Brian’s hazel eyes. He felt a jolt shoot right through him, almost as if he had been struck by lightening. It had scared him, but he was able to live with it when he thought that the attraction was one sided. Once he knew Brian felt something too, it was as if nothing could keep them apart. Every rational thought seemed to escape him when he thought about being with Brian; now Luke was out there, alone and hurting. How could he have let this happen?

Finally he heard the front door open and glanced at the clock. It was after three, but time seemed to stand still after Luke had walked out. Justin sat on the bed waiting to see if Luke would seek him out. Moments later Luke walked into the doorway looking worse than when he had left.

“Hey,” Justin said softly.

“Hey, sorry I walked out like that,” Luke replied as he slowly approached the bed.

“Please don’t apologize to me. I’m the one that fucked up.”

“Yeah, you did.”

“Now what? Where do we go from here?” Justin asked.

“I’m not sure,” Luke admitted.

“Do you want me to go?” Justin’s voice cracked at the question.

“I don’t want you to go, but I guess I don’t have the right to ask you to stay, do I? I mean, if you were happy with me then this wouldn’t have happened in the first place.” Luke sat down on the side of the bed, his eyes focused on his hand in his lap instead of Justin.

“Luke, it isn’t you. I swear to you that it has nothing to do with you. I really didn’t mean for it to happen. I know that probably sounds lame but it’s true. I was happy with you; I still am. This thing…it came out of no where and as much as I tried to fight it…I just…”

“I understand.”

“You do?” Justin asked incredulously.

“That’s how it was when I first saw you,” Luke replied sadly.

“Really? You never told me that before.”

“I remember the night we met. I walked into that art gallery just looking to pass some time. The moment I saw you my whole world shifted. I felt like I just had to have you or my life wouldn’t be complete. It wasn’t easy for us, but I really thought we would make it. When I noticed that there was something wrong; that something was bothering you, I never imagined that it was someone else. I figured that what ever it was, we would be able to fix it and move on. What is it that you want, Justin? Who do you want to be with?” Luke still couldn’t look Justin in the eye. He had spent the last four hours driving around trying to find the strength to let Justin go and be happy, but he never found that courage. As sad as it was, Luke was willing to do whatever it took to make Justin happy.

Justin watched Luke staring at his hands and wanted to take him in his arms and comfort him; make the pain go away. “Honestly? I don’t know. You both are so special to me in different ways. I don’t even know if there could ever be anything between him and me. I just knew that I couldn’t go on deceiving you anymore. You deserve so much better than that.”

“Do you want to leave? Is what we have over for you?”

Justin wasn’t sure how to answer that question. It was the same question that had been running around in his head all week. He knew Luke deserved an answer either way, but he didn’t want to make the wrong decision. “I don’t know,” he finally answered honestly.

“So there’s a chance for us, then?” Luke hated the desperation in his voice.

“Is that what you want; to sit around and wait for me to decide between the two of you? Is that even fair to ask of you?”

“Fair? What’s that? All I know is that if there’s the slightest chance that we can fix this; work this out and be together, I’m willing to wait. I love you Justin and I’ll wait forever if that’s what it takes.”

Justin took Luke into his arms and held him, trying to offer the comfort he so desperately needed. “I’m sorry, Luke. I’m so sorry for everything.”

Luke took a few minutes to relish in the comfort Justin’s arms provided before pulling back and looking into his face. “Just promise me one thing? Promise me that when you decide…if you decide that I’m not the one…”

“You’ll be the first to know,” Justin replied softly.

Their mouths met in a gentle kiss, but it quickly turned into something more. The need to connect was greater than anything else and soon they were swept away; neither one of them thinking about the possibility of the end around the corner. All that mattered was that moment and when Luke finally entered Justin, he refused to think about a time when he wouldn’t have the right to be where he wanted to be most of all; in the arms of the man he loved.

The next morning Justin woke up early and watched Luke sleeping peacefully beside him. The strain from the day before was evident on his face, even in slumber and Justin couldn’t stand the thought of hurting him any more than he already had. He got out of bed quietly and went downstairs to start the coffee. Once it was finished, he poured himself a mug and went out to sit on the back deck. He tried not to think about the man next door, but it was almost impossible. Before long he heard a noise coming from his neighbor’s yard and looked up to see Kyle standing alone on his deck. He wanted to run away, back inside the safety of the house, but he was spotted before he was able to get away.

“Hey Justin,” Kyle called to him.

“Hey Kyle, you’re out here pretty early. Did you spend the night at the hospital again?” Justin asked curiously.

Kyle started walking towards the small fence that separated their yards. “No, I just couldn’t sleep. What about you? Are you already sweating your next opening?” Kyle teased.

“No, I didn’t sleep well last night so I figured I’d get up so I didn’t disturb Luke. He likes to sleep in on the weekends. I guess Brian does too, huh?”

“Brian’s not here. He’s away right now,” Kyle replied sadly without thinking.

Justin’s curiosity rose at the news. Brian didn’t say anything about going away. “Oh, I didn’t know he was taking a trip. How come you didn’t go with him?”

“It’s not that kind of trip. We’ve been having problems so we thought it would be best if he went away for a few days; give us some space.” Kyle watched the horrified expression cross Justin’s face and suddenly felt foolish for dumping his problems on Justin. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not your problem and I don’t usually pour my heart out to people I hardly know. Forget I said anything and have a good day.”

Justin stood there in shock while he watched his neighbor walk back into the house. Brian moved out? Did he tell Kyle what had happened between them? If he did, it was obvious that Brian never mentioned Justin’s name. If Luke found out, would he be able to put two and two together? And how was Brian in all of this? So many thoughts ran through Justin’s mind while he headed into the house. Without thinking, he reached for the phone and called information. He knew exactly where Brian was staying. They had one number for a Brian Kinney listed. Justin quickly hung up and dialed the number given to him, praying it was the right Kinney.

“Hello,” Brian said sleepily into the phone.

“Hey, it’s me,” Justin replied quietly, hoping that Luke was still asleep upstairs.

“Justin? It’s 6:30 in the morning. Is everything alright?” Brian asked, suddenly wide awake.

“Yes…no…I don’t know. What happened? I just saw Kyle outside and he mentioned that you aren’t staying next door right now. I take it you told him?”

“No, I didn’t have to; smart fucker that he is figured it out on his own. I didn’t tell him it was you, though. He just thinks it’s a trick,” Brian replied quietly.

“Is that what I am?” Justin’s insecurities got the better of him and he had to ask.

“Never,” Brian assured him.

“I told Luke last night.”

“I guess last night was the night for truths. What happened? I’m assuming that he didn’t throw you out since you’re still there.”

“No, but I’ll never forgive myself for hurting him like I did,” Justin admitted.

“Justin, you didn’t do it on purpose. In fact, you were the one who said we shouldn’t cross the line. If anything, I’m the one to blame. I should have never brought you here in the first place.”

“Don’t Brian; I’m a big boy and can make my own decisions. I knew what I was doing and I should have been the one to stop it. It doesn’t matter anyway; the outcome is still the same.” Justin couldn’t let Brian take the blame.

“So, what happens now?”

“I’m not sure. Despite the pain I’ve caused him, Luke still wants me here. He’s giving me time to decide what it is that I want. How the hell do I do that? How does a person choose between the two people they l…” Justin stopped short of admitting what he was feeling. They had never even discussed their feelings for each other.There was silence on the other end of the phone. “Brian?”

“Do you?”

“Do I what?” Justin asked, feigning ignorance.

“Do you love me?” Brian’s voice held all the uncertainty he felt.

Justin took a deep breath before responding. “Yeah, I do.”

“Justin…”

“You don’t have to say anything, Brian. I was just voicing my thoughts. I know how you feel. I should probably go now. I don’t want Luke to wake up and realize who I’m on the phone with, although I never told him who you were either.”

“Will you call me again?”

“I shouldn’t.”

“But you will?”

“Yeah, I will.”

“Good bye, Justin.”

“Bye,” Justin whispered before hanging up the phone. He turned around and jumped at the sight of Luke standing in the doorway.

“You scared the shit out of me,” he said, his hand covering his chest.

“Was that him?” Luke asked, already knowing the answer.

“Yeah,” Justin admitted.

“Did you make plans to see him today?”

“Luke, don’t do this.” Justin pleaded, not wanting to hurt Luke any further.

“I just need to know if…”

“I was thinking…maybe we could take a ride up to that lake we used to go to. It’s supposed to be a beautiful day. I could pack a lunch and we could just spend the day together. What do you say?” Justin knew he needed to give them a chance. He still loved Luke and wouldn’t throw that away unless he was certain that they couldn’t be happy together. Luke deserved that chance.

“Are you sure?” Luke asked apprehensively.

“I love you Luke, and I want to spend the day with you. Let’s just forget about the future right now and focus on us, okay?”

Luke smiled at Justin’s offer. No one knew what the future held for them, but Luke wasn’t ready to give up on Justin just yet. “That’s the best offer I’ve had in a long time.”


End of part 8
8/29/04

Return to Innocent Betrayal