Arms of Destiny

Chapter 5
 

Cynthia sat across the table from Justin watching him while he gave his order to the waiter amazed at how much he ordered. She still couldn’t believe he was the one who managed to steal Brian Kinney’s heart. She always figured that one day her boss would break down and fall for someone. She just couldn’t believe that someone would be a seventeen year old boy. Her mind wandered back to the dark period and she knew that Brian must have really loved the boy to react the way he did. Her heart was breaking at the thought of them being apart for all these years. She couldn’t wait to hear Justin’s version and was happy when the waiter left them alone.

“So Justin, why don’t you tell me how you met Brian. I must say that I am intrigued by your history. I mean you are what, twelve years younger then him? I don’t imagine you two traveled in the same circles.” Cynthia asked, hoping that she didn’t sound too eager for information. She wanted to wait until he brought it up but couldn’t seem to help herself. Brian and Justin had been on her mind all morning and she was anxious to find out what Justin’s feelings were towards her boss.

“Are you sure you want to hear this? I mean it’s all in the past now. Brian obviously doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and if it wasn’t for the fact that he needs someone to run things for him, he would have thrown me out on my ass immediately. Although, I guess I can’t blame him. What I did was really rotten, but I had no choice. If I had taken the time to say goodbye, I never would have left in the first place.” Justin explained, as if somehow making Cynthia understand would make everything better.

“Why don’t you just start from the beginning?” Cynthia coaxed, noticing the pain in his eyes as he spoke. She was beginning to think that making him relive his past with Brian was a bad idea. She didn’t want to cause him any more pain. Before she had a chance to say anything, he started to tell her all about his and Brian’s history. She sat there in stunned silence while he told her all about how they had met and the way Brian continued to try to push him away. It was so obvious by the look on his face and the sound of his voice that he was definitely still in love with Brian. Neither one of them was aware of their food being delivered. Visualizing some of the events that the two had went through including the episode concerning New York City, Cynthia realized that Brian had loved the boy from day one. A light dawned and words Kinney had said to her now made sense. She knew these two were destined to be together. Knowing what true love was when it was staring her in the face, her mind started forming a plan of action and she had to force herself back to the present when she noticed that he was coming to an end.

“So there was no way I could tell everyone that I decided to go to Dartmouth. They would have tried to talk me out of it and I needed to give it a try for my parents. No matter what happened, they were wonderful parents and I had to try to pay them back for all that they did for me. I knew that if I told Brian I was leaving he would have been really mad and disappointed to boot. He told me he wanted me to be the best homosexual I could be. How could I tell him that I agreed to go back into the closet to please my Dad? How could I tell him I sold off my beliefs just to please someone else hoping it would rectify a situation? I was young and I have to live by my choices. I have always done that. I take responsibility for those actions. Besides, he always told me I was just a trick, a trick that never left, so I didn’t think he would care if I was gone.” Justin said, feeling tears building in the back of his eyes. He took a sip of his drink, hoping to calm his emotions. He didn’t want to have a break down in front of Cynthia.

“Oh Justin, you don’t really believe that do you? He was devastated when you left!” Cynthia exclaimed before realizing that she had said too much. Her expression revealed her shock when she realized her error even though, she covered up quickly. She didn’t mean to divulge any information about Brian, but when she saw the pain in Justin’s eyes she couldn’t help herself. Fear ran through her, when she thought how upset Brian would be when and if he found out.

“What do you mean he was devastated? I didn’t think he ever talked about me to you. How do you know how he felt? He never shows his emotions and he never speaks about what he if feeling, so how do you know?” Justin asked, his mind racing at the thought of Brian being devastated by his leaving. Was it true? Did it really matter to him? Did he really care? It was all so long ago that it didn’t really matter anymore, but he needed to know what she was talking about.

“Justin, I know I shouldn’t be telling you this because Brian would kill me so please, I beg you, don’t let him know that I told you. I’m only telling you because I think you need to know how Brian really felt back then. He didn’t tell me anything about you. I figured it out on my own. Brian went through what I started calling a dark period. He was drinking and doing drugs regularly, even at the office. I had never seen him like that before. Every morning he was coming in late, looking like death. He wasn’t sleeping and I was really getting worried. It lasted for months and there was nothing I could do. I thought he was going to kill himself. He was on a self-destructive road and I didn’t think he would find his way back. Then one day, he just seemed to stop and everything went back to normal. About a week later, I asked him what had happened to change things. All he would say was that he finally was able to admit something to himself and even if it was too late, he knew he needed to make some changes. I didn’t know what he was talking about at the time, but now I know that it had to be you. The dark period started in June of 2001.” She explained, figuring Justin would make the connection. He didn’t disappoint her.

“That was when I went to Dartmouth!” Justin exclaimed, unable to wrap his mind around what Cynthia was saying. Could Brian have been upset when he left? Is it possible that he cared more then he let on? Justin shook off those thoughts, certain that they couldn’t start over. That was four years ago and any feelings Brian may have had for him were sure to be long gone by now. A feeling of overwhelming sadness came over Justin as he thought about what might have been. If he had known that Brian cared for him, he never would have left. He would have turned down his father’s offer and stayed in Pittsburgh. Now he knew why Brian’s motto had always been ‘no regrets’. Regrets just hurt too much. Regretting was living in the past and his future was calling.

“Justin, maybe you should try to talk to Brian. Explain to him why you left the way you did. Do you still love him?” She asked, already knowing the answer.

“It doesn’t matter anymore. Four years is a long time. I’m sure if Brian did have any feelings for me, they are in the past. The only thing to do now is move on and try to develop a working relationship. I really want this job and I want to prove to Brian and myself that I can do it. That’s all that matters now. It’s getting late so we better get back to the office. I don’t want to piss off my new boss. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest and for telling me about Brian. I appreciate it, but it’s too late to turn back. I made my decision four years ago to walk away. Now I have to live with it.” When their waiter brought their check, Justin threw down enough money to cover their lunch, refusing to let Cynthia pay, and stood up to leave. He needed to get away before he broke down right there in the café. He had to find a way to come to grips with this new information and be at peace with it.

Cynthia knew by the tone of his voice that Justin was done talking. She stood up and followed him out of the building before offering him one last piece of advice.

“Justin, just remember one thing. You obviously still care about Brian after all this time. Who’s to say that he doesn’t feel the same way? Just think about it, okay? Now, let’s get back to work.” She smiled before crossing the street and heading back to the office. She wasn’t sure what to make of her lunch with Justin, but now that she knew both sides of the story, she knew what she had to do. She was more determined then ever to reunite the two men and she would stop at nothing to succeed in her mission.

Brian stood by his office window watching Cynthia and Justin walk back from their lunch. His morning had been a complete waste of time. All Brian did was think about Justin. He blamed it on the jet lag and decided to go home since he obviously wasn’t going to accomplish anything sitting around daydreaming. Maybe after a goodnight’s sleep he would be able to think about something other then Justin. He hoped, anyway. As he shut down his computer he heard a knock on his door.

“Come in.” He called out as he started putting away his files. He was surprised to find Justin standing in his doorway.

“Hey, Brian. I’m sorry to bother you, but I have those preliminary sketches that you wanted. I thought you might want to take a look at them before I went any further.” Justin remarked, walking towards the desk with the sketches in his hand.

Brian took a look at Justin’s work and was amazed by what he saw. He always knew that Justin was talented, but what he saw on the pages before him was the work of a true artist. It made Brian wonder what else he didn’t know about Justin. So much can change in four years and he felt cheated somehow, by not knowing the man that stood in front of him.

“These are incredible, Justin.” Brian replied as he continued to look over the work Justin had done.

“Really?” Justin said, feeling a sense of pride by the compliment that Brian had offered. He knew his work was good but never imagined that Brian would think they were incredible.

“Yes. They are just what I was looking for. Keep going with your ideas. I will meet with you in the morning and see what you’ve got.” Brian stated, knowing he made the right decision in keeping Justin on the payroll.

“Thanks Brian. Are you leaving?” Justin queried, noticing that Brian had shut down his computer and was straightening up his desk. He wondered if something was wrong to make the man leave early. He remembered how hard Brian used to work at Ryder’s, but then realized that he didn’t know anything about this new Brian. It saddened him to think about them being strangers now.

“Yeah. I think I’m suffering from jet lag. I thought that maybe a nice afternoon nap followed by a quiet dinner and a goodnight sleep would do me a world of good.” Brian explained. Although, for some reason he felt rejuvenated at the moment. He was sure it had nothing to do with a certain blond standing in his office.

“Oh…okay…I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” Justin stuttered while images of Brian, lying in his bed bathed in blue lights, swirled through his mind. He tried to shake off his thoughts but he couldn’t seem to get the visions out of his head and knew he had to get away from Brian before he did something stupid, like beg the man to take him right there on the desk. He picked up his sketches and walked out of the office without looking back.

Brian awoke the next morning surprised to find that he had slept for fourteen hours. When he got back to the loft the day before, he was unable to fall asleep right away so he made a late lunch and finally managed to lie down around 4:00. It was now 6:00am and he needed to get to the office. After a hot shower he felt like a new person and headed out to start his day. After stopping for a latte, he pulled into the parking lot to find Justin sitting on the hood of his car.

“What are you doing here so early?” He asked, trying to ignore the tightening in his groin at the sight of Justin waiting for him. He was wearing a pair of black Dockers and a white button down shirt with a black tie. On anyone else, those clothes would have made them look like a waiter, but on Justin they were sexy as hell.

“I couldn’t sleep. Cynthia told me you would probably come in around 7:00 since you left early yesterday, so I thought I would come in early and get some more work done. How are you feeling? Did you get some sleep?” Justin asked noticing that the dark circles under Brian’s eyes were gone.

“Yeah. Believe it or not, I slept for fourteen hours straight. I guess I was more tired then I thought.” Brian replied, happy to see that the tension between them had eased.

“Wow, it would take me three days to get that much sleep. I think I’m jealous.” Justin joked feeling more at ease then he did yesterday. Maybe things would work out after all. If only he could keep his mind on his work and off Brian…well, maybe some day. Today was not that day.

“Three days? You only sleep five hours a day?” Brian replied, suddenly worried that maybe something was wrong that Justin wasn’t telling anyone about. He didn’t remember Justin having trouble sleeping before.

“If I’m lucky. Usually it’s more like four and stop looking at me like that. I saw a doctor years ago and after running every test imaginable they couldn’t come up with a reason why I’m not sleeping. It’s no big deal. I’m used to it by now.” Justin replied casually, not wanting to get into a discussion on his theory of why he couldn’t sleep. When was he going to learn to keep his mouth shut.

“Can’t they just give you a pill or something to help you sleep?” Brian asked, wondering what could be causing Justin’s sleeping problems.

“I’m allergic to a lot of drugs, remember? Don’t worry about it. I’m fine. Now go unlock the door so we can get to work.” Justin replied, trying to put an end to the discussion. The last thing he wanted to do was have a conversation about his sleeping habits and he sure as hell didn’t want Brian to know that the last good night’s sleep he got was the night before he left the Pitts. Some things were better left unsaid.

Brian noticed the way Justin abruptly changed the subject and figured he was hiding something. He decided to drop the subject for the time being, but had every intention of finding out what was causing Justin’s problem. He was an employee now and Brian had to look out for his well being. At least, that’s what he told himself as he unlocked the front door to the agency. The only problem was he knew his concern had little to do with Justin being an employee and more to do with the feelings he still had for him.

“Just let me know when you are ready to meet and we can go over the work I did yesterday. I also have some ideas for the Collin’s account that I would like to discuss with you. Cynthia told me they were looking for a new logo and I think I have just the thing.” Justin beamed, happy with the work he accomplished the day before. He just hoped that Brian would approve.

“Give me an hour to get some things together and then come to my office. I have a few more clients I’d like to go over with you, too.” Brian said. When Justin turned to walk away, Brian couldn’t help but watch the view and curse himself for his weakness. Just the sight of Justin’s ass made him want to be inside the boy. He got the feeling it was going to be a very long day.


End of part 5
7/15/03

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