6 Weeks

Chapter 3

It had been a couple of days since Justin walked out of Brian’s room and neither had spoken a word to one another. Justin was too hurt and disappointed to confront him, while Brian couldn’t come up with a good argument for his actions. He was also wrestling with his need to explain himself when it had never been necessary with anyone else before. He was constantly watching Justin during the group sessions and taken aback by the blonde’s open hostility toward him. He would avoid all eye contact and glare coldly if Brian happened to catch his attention. On the fourth day of silence, Brian followed Justin back to his room. Justin was completely oblivious until he heard the sound of a door closing behind him. He jumped, whipping around to confront the intruder.

“Jesus Brian, you scared the shit out of me. What the hell do you want?”

Brian remained close to the doorway, blocking any possible escape. He hadn’t actually thought through what he would do or say if he got Justin alone. Now that the situation presented itself, he couldn’t form one coherent thought.

“Brian, just go. I have enough of my own shit to deal with and I don’t need your two faced crap on top of it. Leave me the fuck alone.”

Brian was suddenly pissed off. This kid had no clue what his life was like and all the shit he put up with on a daily basis. So he needed a little something extra to deal with everything, what’s wrong with that? Justin was supposed to understand him, not ostracize him for being weak. Brian’s ability to speak came back with a vengeance.

“No, fuck you Justin. I was the one who listened when you needed to talk. You were all messed up and didn’t know what way was up. I never judged you or made you feel like crap for being confused. You owe me the same fucking respect.”

“I don’t owe you shit! You acted like you were on this amazing gold covered path to salvation when the whole time you’ve been cheating your way through the program. I thought I was the inferior one, unable to make it through one night without having nightmares and this overwhelming desire to make it all go away with a couple shots. You’re right about one thing, you are an adman and you sold me a whole lot of worthless shit.”

“I didn’t sell you anything you weren’t eager to buy. You were never weak! All you needed was one fucking person to believe you could do it and that’s all I gave you. Maybe it’s not that easy for me. I wish I could give it all up but it’s been a part of me for too fucking long. I just can’t do it. I want to and I’m trying to change. I’m not perfect”

“I never said you were. Hell, that’s why I bought your crap to begin with. You’re just another fucked up person like me. It’s easier when you know someone else is going through the same crap.”

“This whole place is filled with people just like you.”

“But you were the only one who seemed to give a shit about what happened to me. Or at least that’s what I thought until I realized they were just words with nothing behind them.”

Justin began to walk toward the window, needing to get away from Brian. He couldn’t stand to listen to another one of the man’s lies. He had only walked a few steps when he turned around to find Brian less than a foot away.

“Not just words. I do give a shit,” Brian stated and looked directly into Justin’s unflinching eyes. Before either man could analyze the emotion they found in the other’s gaze, Brian was pulling Justin into his arms. His mouth automatically found Justin’s, coming down hard and stealing his breath away. Justin gave only a moment’s hesitation before returning the kiss with exuberance. His arms wound around Brian’s neck, dragging him in even closer to his body. Brian returned the embrace, rubbing his hands up and down the back of Justin’s soft cotton t-shirt. His nails dug in slightly, eliciting a soft groan from Justin’s lips. Justin, in turn, tugged gently at the hair at the nape of Brian’s neck, enjoying the mirrored sounds. Their tongues were in a heated battle, rubbing sensuously against one another. While Brian was attempting to untuck Justin’s shirt, there was a knock at the door and someone entered the room. Their arms were still around one another, when a shocked voice startled them both.

“Damn it Brian, you can’t even go through rehab without tricking. I looked in your room but a nurse said she saw you come in here. If I had known you were in the midst of someone, I would have just waited in your room.”

“Mikey,” Brian groaned, extracting himself from Justin’s embrace. Justin stumbled back a tad, still reeling from what had just happened. His lips still stung from the way Brian’s teeth had grazed them. His whole body was on fire and his dick was uncomfortably straining at the zipper of his jeans. Justin nervously pushed back his hair and straightened his clothes. His eyes darted back and forth between Brian and the new arrival.

“Didn’t mean to interrupt, but I told you I would be stopping by around this time.”

Brian glanced down at his watch and sighed.

“Shit, it’s already 3 o’clock. I guess time flies when you’re having fun and this place is fun central. Right, Justin? We should probably get the pleasantries out of the way now. Mikey, this is Justin. Justin, my oldest friend Mikey.”

“Nice to meet you,” Justin said quietly, glancing over in Michael’s direction for a split second.

“You too. So what are you in for?” Michael asked.

“Fuck Mikey, you don’t just ask people that type of shit. It’s nobody else’s business why Justin’s here. All you have to know is he’s getting his shit together.”

“Just like Brian,” Justin replied, smiling shyly in Brian’s direction. Michael watched the interaction curiously, not really understanding the dynamic of their relationship to one another. Brian didn’t know quite what to say next. He could already see the wheels turning in Mikey’s head, trying to figure out why Brian was being so over protective of a supposed trick. Brian was confused enough on his own without his best friend’s assistance, so a change of scenery was definitely needed.

“Come on Mikey, let’s go back to my room so we can talk. I wouldn’t want to bore Justin with your lame ass stories.”

Michael automatically knew what Brian was doing and wasn’t giving up so easily. He turned back to get a good look at the blond. The boy was obviously young but there was something in his eyes that suggested maturity beyond his years. His eyes were absolutely mesmerizing and Michael was finding it hard to look away. He could tell from the penetrating gaze that he was being sized up in almost the same manner.

“No Bri, it’s OK. I’ve hardly even met your new friend. We can catch up on all the gossip later,” Michael suggested, his eyes never leaving Justin’s.

“But I’d like to hear it now. Justin’s got a meeting with his therapist anyway. We wouldn’t want to make him late. Maybe on your next visit,” Brian stated, nudging Mikey out the door. Michael called out a good-bye, as he walked down the hallway. Brian looked back over his shoulder at Justin before exiting the room. Justin had barely moved from the spot where they kissed. He looked so lost just standing there, like he was waiting for something. Brian wasn’t sure what he could say to explain the kiss they had shared or the connection they seemed to have. With Mikey waiting, he knew that now wasn’t the time. Instead, he smiled warmly and said, “later.”

Justin repeated the sentiment, feeling slightly better at the warmth in his gaze. He could hardly verbalize anything else; he was so in shock at the direction their conversation had taken. He wasn’t sure if he was happy or disappointed that Brian’s friend had interrupted their moment. Things had progressed at a startling rate and Justin knew that his clothes were only seconds away from disappearing. The thought both thrilled and frightened him. Besides the numerous drunken blow jobs he had received, Justin’s experiences with real intimacy were limited. The question became, could he trust Brian? They were both trying to make amends but it would take more than his strange proclamation about “giving a shit” to make him open up to the man again. If only he could believe Brian was capable of changing.

Brian had barely entered his room, when Michael began his barrage of questions.

“So who’s the kid? If he was just some trick you wouldn’t even know his name. Obviously you’re familiar with his story since you practically took my head off in there. And if he is your friend then what was your tongue doing down his throat? What do you guys even have to talk about? He looks like he’s still in high school.”

“Damn it Mikey, are you done yet? He’s just a kid. End of story.”

Michael sighed, not at all surprised by the brush off.

“Sorry Bri, it just surprised me to see you two together.”

“Since when? You’ve seen me kiss hundreds of guys before.”

“Yeah, and then you forgot about them the moment you were done. You know personal shit about this kid, including his schedule for god’s sake. Is he really just another fuck?”

Brian could feel his head throbbing from an overload of emotions and Mikey was the last person he wanted to unload on. He wanted out of the situation but Mikey never knew when to shut up.

“Brian, just tell me about the kid. Why won’t you talk to me? You hardly said a word the last time I was here either. But you’ll talk to him, is that it?”

“Yes! Is that what you want to hear? If you haven’t already noticed I’m twelve steps from hell right now. Our fucked up little family won’t talk to me. Linds won’t even let me see my own son. The physical pain I endured my first week here was nothing compared to the emotional shit they make us talk about every day. I’m hanging on by a thread and the only people that can understand what I’m going through are the ones in here with me. Justin can relate better than anyone else I know. Since he showed up in this hellhole, it’s been a little easier. I think we both needed someone to talk to,” Brian explained.

“I wanted to be that person,” Michael stated sadly. He could feel the tears welling up in his eyes but refused to let them fall. Brian had always been there for him and now at the moment he could return the favor, Brian turned to someone else.

“Not this time, Mikey. We’re living in two completely different worlds. There’s nothing you can do.”

Michael was devastated, knowing that a blond kid was more help to Brian than his own best friend. He realized that even though he couldn’t be the person Brian needed, at least he’d able to give him something to ease some of the pain. Reaching into his heavy coat, Michael pulled out a large bottle of Jim Beam and held it out for Brian to grab.

“Let me at least do one thing for you.”

Brian stood, staring at the bottle as if it contained some sort of explosive device. It’s what he wanted but he had told Justin he’d try harder. It was like a war going on inside of his body. Justin would never trust him again if he found out. Then again, since when did he allow a twink to control his life? Brian tentatively reached for the bottle and set it down on a nearby table.

“I don’t know Mikey.”

“Isn’t this what you asked for? It’s only liquor.”

Brian shook his head. It was never “only liquor”. A glass of Jim Beam was always the start of a night dedicated to drugs and debauchery.

“It’s not that. If Justin…” Brian started to say, forgetting for a second who he was talking to. It was already too late.

“What does the kid have to do with anything?”

“Nothing, just forget it.”

“No, I won’t! Do you let some trick tell you how to live your life?”

“Let it go Mikey. You know me. Nobody tells me what to do and that includes you. Thanks for visiting but I’ve had a long fucking day and I’d like a little time alone before my next session with Satan.”

“I’m sorry Bri, I just..”

“Forget it and go.”

Michael nodded his head and reached for the bottle. Brian grabbed it first, stashing it under some dirty clothes in the closet.

“I’ll hold onto it, for now.”

Michael said OK and leaned over to give Brian a quick peck on the lips. Brian walked him to the door and waited as he made his way down the hallway. Brian was about to head back into his own room when he caught a blond head out of the corner of his eye. They stared at each other for a few minutes, just drinking in each other’s presence. Justin was the first to move out of sight, followed immediately by Brian.

Justin had spent the rest of the afternoon thinking and trying to find the best way to broach the subject of the kiss with Brian. He knew that they needed to talk about it, but the confusion he was feeling was making it hard for him to put two thoughts together. He finally gathered up the courage he needed and approached the man after dinner.

“Hey,” Justin said softly.

“Hey,” Brian replied.

“I…uh…” Justin stammered nervously. Any thoughts he had seemed to disappear while looking into Brian’s intense hazel eyes.

Brian watched Justin for a moment, amused by his apparent nervousness. “Spit it out,” he teased.

“I…just thought that maybe we should talk about what happened earlier,” Justin managed to reply.

“What happened?”

“Yeah, you know; the kiss.”

“Oh, that. I guess that’s what happens when we’re locked away without any tricks,” Brian lied. He had been thinking about the kiss ever since Michael had left and he didn’t understand his confusion. He kissed guys all the time and never felt the stirrings that he felt with Justin.

Justin felt as if he’d been kicked in the gut. He had spent days trying to ignore his attraction to the older man and at least a couple of hours trying to explain the feeling he got when they kissed and now Brian was trying to say that it was nothing. That they only kissed because they were unable to trick. It took everything in his power to fight off the sadness of hearing those words and keep his face emotionless.

“Right, I just wanted to make sure that we understood each other.” Justin falsely assured him. “I mean, we’re guys, right? A trick’s a trick.”

Brian pushed away the strange feelings that Justin’s words stirred and nodded his head in agreement. Before either one of them had a chance to respond, Chuck came by looking to talk to Justin.

“I guess I’ll talk to you later,” Justin replied as he followed Chuck out of the room.

Brian watched him walk away wondering why he was suddenly feeling so conflicted.

The next day at lunch, Justin purposefully avoided the table where Brian was sitting alone. Instead he found a small table all the way in the back by the window. There were only two chairs and from there he could look out at the garden. He could feel Brian’s eyes follow him but refused to give him the satisfaction of returning his gaze. With his back to Brian’s table, Justin quietly munched on his cheeseburger and imagined he was anywhere but there. He was halfway through his meal when the sound of a chair scraping across the floor caught his attention. He looked up into a pair of dark, almost ebony colored eyes.

“Is anyone else sitting here?”

Justin shook his head quietly.

“Do you mind?” the man asked, gesturing toward the empty chair. Justin again shook his head, taking the opportunity to really look at the man across from him. He looked to be about Justin’s age and was tall with well-defined muscles in all the right places. His hair was almost black and hung slightly in his large dark eyes. His skin was a golden brown and added to his exotic good looks. Justin was certain he had never seen the boy before now. There was no way he would have escaped his attention.

“I’m Damon,” the man stated, extending his hand out to shake. Justin enjoyed the softness of his touch as their fingers collided. He smiled shyly and responded, “Justin.” Damon smiled back and sat down in the open chair.

Brian had been watching the interaction from across the room and could feel his blood start to boil. He had noticed the new guy earlier on and actually planned on nailing him later that day. His gaydar had gone off the moment the attractive young man had entered the facility but the boy had hardly noticed him upon entering the cafeteria. Instead he made an immediate beeline for Justin’s table, taking the time to check him out before having a seat. Brian’s thoughts of lust had quickly turned to that of hatred and suspicion. Justin had hardly noticed the boy at first but now they were talking like old friends. Justin was way too trusting for his own good and Brian was worried about some schemer taking advantage of the situation. They were still friends, which made Brian determined to watch out for the young blonde.

Justin enjoyed the way Damon looked at him, like he was something beautiful and special. It had been a long time since someone had made him feel like that. The two boys had similar backgrounds and could relate to a lot of the same things growing up. Justin laughed along with his absurd stories and felt a lightness in his soul that had long since disappeared. But even as he got caught up in Damon’s gentle charms, he couldn’t help sneaking a peek or two behind him at Brian. Every time he did, two intense hazel eyes bore into his. Justin wasn’t sure what he expected, but the anger simmering under the surface was not it. Justin was jolted back into the conversation when Damon suggested they go out to the garden for a little walk and enjoy the fresh air. Justin agreed and followed him out the door.

Brian didn’t waste any time throwing out the remains of his lunch and slipping out the door as well. He rationalized that he was in desperate need of a cigarette and pulled the pack out of his back pocket. He could see the two boys sitting on a nearby bench, on the other side of a group of trees. Their laughter rang in his ears, frustrating him even more. He had never heard Justin so carefree.

Justin thought it was easy talking to Damon. Everything was so surface and he never had to worry about things getting too intense. He had gone directly from high school to the adult world and Damon, at least for the time being, gave him back that feeling of innocence. It was a nice escape from the stress of his current situation.

“So one time my sister walked in on me fucking her boyfriend and all I could say was ‘make sure you knock next time’. I could have sworn there were flames coming out of her ears. She never introduced me to another of her boyfriends again. Luckily she never told my parents or I would have been out on the streets long before I decided to leave home.”

He smiled warmly and Justin touched his arm lightly in a reassuring gesture. Damon leaned into the touch and cupped Justin’s face in both palms. He softly kissed Justin’s pouty lips, barely entering them with his tongue.

Brian tossed his cigarette to the ground in a huff, stomping the butt out with the heel of his boot. “Fuck,” he said under his breath and hurried back inside, unable to watch another second. He should have known the kiss meant nothing to Justin. It had been less than 24 hours since they had spoken and he was already past it.

Justin pulled back from the kiss, stunned.

“Damon, I’m sorry but I can’t do this. I’m dealing with too much shit in my life already and there’s someone else that I think I might care about. It’s still kinda new and probably won’t go anywhere but who knows? Do you know what I mean?”

“Yeah, you’re not looking for anything besides a friend to talk to. I’m going though my own shit too so I can relate. I’m sorry, it’s just you’re absolutely beautiful and I couldn’t resist.”

Justin smiled one of his famous sunshine smiles.

“Thanks, coming from a Greek god like you I’ll take that as a big compliment.”

Both boys laughed, happy to have salvaged their budding friendship. Justin continued to talk excitedly about his friend Daphne, unaware that Brian had seen a thing.

As Brian walked back into the building he struggled to keep his anger in check. He couldn’t figure out why it upset him so much to see Justin and that other guy kiss; all he knew was that at that moment he felt the sudden urge to hit something. He was storming past the day room when he caught sight of Lindsay standing by the window waiting for him.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

“Brian! It’s so good to see you,” Lindsay said as she tried to embrace him. She was surprised at the way he recoiled. “I came to see how things were going.”

“How do you think they’re going? This is rehab, for fucks sake; not some spa vacation,” he replied angrily.

“I know that Brian, and do you have to be so nasty? I’m here because you’re my friend and I’m worried about you.”

“You’re worried about me? That’s a fucking joke. You weren’t worried about me when you were refusing to let me see my son!” Brian exclaimed.

“What did you expect me to do, Brian? You were out of control. I couldn’t allow you to be around Gus while you were like that.”

“That’s bullshit! You know I would never do anything to hurt Gus. That was just Melanie’s way of keeping my son, and you, away from me. Well fuck both of you! You only think of me as Gus’s father when you want my money.” Brian began pacing the small room, unable to hold back his anger.

“That’s not true Brian. You are Gus’s father; you always will be. I just don’t want him to be exposed to…”

“Exposed to what?”

“To the drinking and the drugs…to the tricks; to the life that you live. Brian, why is this so hard for you to understand?”

“The life I live? I’m the same person I was when you asked me to jerk off in that cup for you! But that’s different, right? As long as you got what you wanted, nothing else matters!”

“Brian…” Lindsay pleaded softly. She had never seen Brian so angry before. The few people that were in the room had disappeared quickly and she could see a few staff members approaching them.

“Get the fuck out of here! Go! You don’t want me around my son? Fine! But don’t you dare expect me to keep writing those checks! Get that bitch wife of yours to support you! I’m done! Do you hear me? Done!”

“Brian, you need to settle down,” Chuck said gently as he approached Brian. He laid a hand on his arm, only to be pushed away.

“Don’t fucking touch me! Get this bitch out of here!” Brian screamed.

“Brian, come on, let’s go to your room and talk,” Chuck encouraged, noting the crazed look in Brian’s eyes. He signaled for one of the orderlies to assist him. They needed to get Brian away from the others and back to his room.

“Fuck that! Leave me the fuck alone!” Brian tried to walk away only to have Chuck grab him by the arm.

“Brian…you need…”

“Don’t tell me what I need! What I need is to get the fuck out of here. Let go of me!” Brian continued to yell as he felt another pair of hands grab him and lead him out of the day room. He continued to try to pull away without having any luck.

Lindsay stood there in horror while Brian was being lead away. She’d never seem him lose his composure like that and she was frightened by what she had witnessed.

Justin was heading back to his room when he heard a disruption coming from the day room. As soon as he recognized Brian’s voice, he started running towards the commotion, his heart beating rapidly. He stood to the side in shock while Chuck and one of the orderlies dragged Brian out of the room. A blond woman stood there in shock, watching the scene play out before them. Seeing red, he quickly approached her.

“What the fuck did you do to him?”

“Excuse me?” Lindsay asked startled by the blond that approached her.

“I asked what you did to him. What did you say to Brian that got him so upset?” Justin prodded, trying to hold back his anger.

“I really don’t think that’s any of your business.” Lindsay replied in her WASP-like manner.

“Bullshit! I’m his friend and it was obvious that you were hurting him. What did you say that set him off so bad? You know what? It doesn’t matter. You’ve apparently done enough already. Why don’t you just go home and leave him alone?” Justin turned and walked away without another word. All he could think about was helping Brian.

“Brian, I’ll wait as long as it takes until you tell me what caused your outburst,” Chuck assured Brian as he watched the agitated man pacing his room like a caged animal.

Brian ignored Chuck’s request and continued to walk back and forth, trying to get himself together. He needed to get out of there. He needed to get away from everyone and just be by himself. The nerve of Lindsay to show up and pretend as if nothing was wrong. Damn Michael and his big mouth.

“Brian?”

“What! What do you want from me?” Brian barked.

“I want you to tell me what happened in the day room. I think we need to talk about it,” Chuck replied; his voice gentle.

“There’s nothing to talk about. Lindsay pissed me off; end of story,” Brian said sarcastically.

“Is she the mother of your son?” Chuck recalled the name from one of their sessions.

“My son? What a fucking joke! He’s only my son when they need money. Otherwise, I’m not good enough to be a father!”

Chuck could see the agitation building again and decided to drop the subject for the time being. “Brian, why don’t we go take a walk out by the garden and get some air?”

Brian’s thoughts went back to the garden and what he had seen out there causing his receding anger to resurface. “Fuck that! Just leave me alone!”

Chuck saw Brian’s temper flare and decided not to push any further for the moment. The one thing he learned in the short time since he had met the man was that he wasn’t a conversationalist and if he didn’t want to talk, he didn’t.

“Alright Brian, I’ll go for now. But we will be discussing this later. Not only do outbursts like the one you had earlier upset the others here, they are not good for your treatment. You need to find a way to release your stress and anger in other ways.” Chuck quickly laid a reassuring hand on Brian’s shoulder before walking out of the room.

Brian glanced at the closet where he had stored the bottle that Michael had brought him, but fought off the urge to get it, and instead lay on his bed trying to rationalize the feelings that were coursing through him.

Justin waited around until dinner, anxious to talk to Brian and see if he was okay. When the clean up was done and the older man still hadn’t appeared, Justin began to worry. He wasn’t sure if confronting Brian was a good idea under the circumstances, but he felt like he had to at least try. It was the least he could do after all Brian had done for him since he had been admitted. He knocked on the door but when he didn’t get a reply he slowly opened the door and walked inside. Brian was lying on the bed staring at the ceiling.

“Whoever it is, just go away,” Brian said without looking up.

“Brian, it’s Justin,” Justin replied, closing the door behind him.

Brian looked over at the blond before refocusing on the ceiling. “What the fuck do you want?”

Justin was thrown by the anger in Brian’s voice but wouldn’t let that sway him. “I came here to see if you’re alright.”

Brian sighed, knowing that Justin had witnessed his outburst. “I’m just dandy; you can go now.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Justin asked tentatively.

“No.”

“But…”

“What didn’t you understand about no? I don’t want to talk about it. There’s nothing to talk about,” Brian sighed, wishing everyone would just leave him alone.

“There’s obviously something to talk about; something that made you lose control while talking to your friend,” Justin pointed out gently.

Brian winced at Justin’s words. He still couldn’t figure out what had set him off like that. He was still mad as hell at Lindsay, but in his time there he began to see how his behavior might not have been what was best for his son. He couldn’t really blame Lindsay for wanting to protect Gus, could he? He stayed quiet, hoping that Justin would take the hint and leave. No such luck.

“Brian, maybe if you talked about it…”

“Justin! It’s none of your damn business! Now why don’t you go find your little friend and leave me the fuck alone?” Brian barked, jumping off the bed and walking towards the window, keeping his back to Justin.

Taken back by Brian’s anger, Justin cautiously approached the man. “Brian? Did I do something wrong? Are you mad at me for something? And who are you talking about? I don’t have any friends here.”

“No? Well, you two seemed a little chummy out in the garden earlier,” Brian spat.

Justin was surprised by Brian’s words. He hadn’t realized that anyone had seen him and Damon while they were in the garden. If he didn’t know better, Justin would have sworn that Brian sounded a little jealous.

“Oh, you mean Damon? We were just talking.”

“I didn’t know you could talk to someone with your tongue down their throat,” Brian replied bitterly.

That comment angered Justin. What right did Brian have to make comments on who he was with? It wasn’t like there was anything between them. In fact, Brian was the one who insisted that the kiss they shared was nothing but a mistake caused by a lack of tricking. Intent on giving Brian hell for his comment, Justin grabbed his arm and spun him around, only to be confronted with a sad and almost tender expression. Without thinking about the consequences, Justin reached up and pulled Brian down by the neck, covering his mouth in a passion filled kiss.

When Brian felt Justin’s lips touch his, his first thought was to pull away, but instinct took over and he felt himself deepen the kiss, his tongue pushing for and gaining entry into the warm recess of Justin’s mouth. Unfortunately, it ended all too quickly and Brian felt Justin pull away suddenly, confusion written all over his face.

“I have to go,” Justin said weakly before making a fast exit, closing the door behind him.

“Fuck,” Brian said to the empty room. There was just something about the blond that he couldn’t resist and he really didn’t think it had anything to do with his lack of sex.


End of part 3
8/28/04
 

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