6 Weeks

Chapter 2

Justin stood outside the door for a couple minutes just watching the other patients’ mill around and talk. Most of them held paper cups filled with water, sipping casually like it was teatime. The group was a varied mix of middle-aged parental types, rebellious youth, and yuppie businessmen. He doubted any of them could relate to his situation and wondered how long it would take for them to write him off as just another queer that got what he deserved. He imagined in his head the back-story for each of the losers inside and was so deep in thought he didn’t notice Brian until he spoke.

“You going to just stand out here all day or actually go in?”

Justin whipped around, startled at first. A light blush covered his cheeks as he took in Brian’s casual cool appearance.

“Do I have a choice?”

“If we had a choice, do you think I’d be here? I’m not much of a sharing type of guy. I’d rather work through my issues in the solitude of my own room. Actually I’d prefer my loft but since that seems to be out of the question I’ll take what I can get. So shall we go in together, queers united and all.”?

Justin giggled a bit and pushed the door open, waiting for Brian to go first. Brian couldn’t help but smile back as he walked in. The other patients looked on in shock at the new side to Brian’s persona. He has been nothing but snarky and sarcastic since the moment he had joined the group. The blonde behind him was a mystery, fresh meat with a story that no one knew. They were practically salivating to hear all the juicy details and uncover the connection he seemed to have with Brian.
Brian made his way over to two empty seats, waiting for Justin to join him. Once the blonde was seated he stood up again and grabbed two cups of water, ignoring all of the stares. He handed one of the cups to Justin without saying a word. Justin whispered his thanks and averted his eyes to the ground. Brian glared at the other people in the room, daring them to say anything derogatory to Justin.
Silence filled the room when Blake walked in. He smiled at the group and sat down in a nearby chair, stuffing a few folders under his chair.

“So, good morning everyone. For those of you who are new, I’m Blake and I’ll be your counselor. I believe we have two new arrivals,” Blake announced rifling through a notebook on his lap. After scanning a few lines Blake looked up again and nodded his head in Justin’s direction.

“You must be Justin and Kate is over there in the corner. Welcome,” Blake greeted flicking his eyes between Justin and a petite waifish looking girl with long blonde hair.

“Why don’t we show Justin and Kate what we do here? Sean, you can go first.”

Justin listened intently as the first boy spoke, describing his downward spiral and how he ended up here. Everyone else seemed to nod along with the story, which made him wonder how many times they had all heard it. At the end, people would comment and commiserate over bits and pieces that they could relate to. A few others spoke as well and received the same type of feedback. Kate, the new girl, spoke briefly and reminded him a little of Molly. His body trembled slightly, racked with guilt just thinking about his little sister. Brian never spoke and rarely even looked at anyone who was talking. He continuously played with a white shell bracelet wrapped loosely around his wrist.

“Justin, how about you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what brought you here,” Blake asked, jerking Justin back into the present.

“Uh, my name is Justin Taylor and my family sent me here.”

“Can you tell us a little more? Maybe why your family thought it would be a good idea for you to check yourself in.”

Justin could feel everyone’s eyes boring into him, including Brian’s. He wished he had some sort of jewelry to fidget with and distract him from the rest of the group. He was afraid he was nearing some sort of a panic attack or one of his rages, when he felt a gentle squeeze from Brian on his thigh. A warm buzz coursed through his veins at the contact. It calmed him enough to speak.

“A year ago I was hit in the head with a baseball bat and although my attacker got off with nothing more than a little community service, I was left with brain damage and permanent injury. My dreams of becoming a great artist were gone. I started taking vicodin and drinking, nothing too big. I didn’t think I was hurting anyone else. It was my life and I chose to live it in a comfortable haze. The night I arrived here I had gotten frustrated with my hand and Molly walked in and…and….there was an accident and…Shit!” Justin exclaimed and stood up quickly hurrying to the door.

He could hear Blake calling after him but there was no way he was stopping to hear his pep talk. Justin was out the door and heading toward the garden, when he heard the footsteps behind him.

Brian waited a few minutes before going after Justin. Somehow he knew exactly where the younger man was going and sure enough, he spotted him lost in thought in the garden. He slowly approached him, unsure of what he was going to say, but for some reason drawn to comfort the blond.

“Hey,” Brian whispered softly, his hand resting gently on Justin’s shoulder.

Justin felt a shiver go down his spine from the light contact and turned slightly to look at the other man. “Hey.”

“You want to talk about it? Without a crowd of losers around to pass judgment on you?”

“Brian, did you ever do something so wrong that you wished you could go back in time and change it; make it all better, even though you know you can’t? And it kills you to know that it’s that the people who once loved you unconditionally now loath you and what you’ve become,” Justin sighed with shame and anger.

“No excuses, no apologies, no regrets,” Brian replied dryly.

“What?”

“Look Justin, you can’t go back and change the past. Spending your time regretting what’s already been done is just a waste of time and makes my dick soft. All you can do is go on, fix whatever it is that you have to and move on. If you’re not happy with the way things are, change them.”

“But, I’ve caused my family so much pain. For the last year, all I’ve done was hurt the people around me. Why would I do that?”

“Did you do it on purpose?”

“Of course not!” Justin exclaimed. “I didn’t see…I didn’t want to see what it was doing to them. Every time someone would try to talk to me about it I refused to listen. I told myself that they didn’t understand. They didn’t know what they were talking about because they didn’t understand me. I was destroying them and myself in the process. Now here I am, and everything is out of control. My life is a big fucking mess.”

Brian could see the silent tears running down Justin’s face and wanted to try and take his pain away. Without thinking about his actions, he took him in his arms, offering comfort. “Then fix it.”

“How?” Justin’s anguish was evident in his voice as he tried to take comfort in Brian’s arms.

“Make sure it never happens again,” Brian replied, his meaning known without being spoken.

Justin stood there in the garden in Brian’s arms and knew the older man was right. He had to do whatever it took to make sure it never happened again. He couldn’t ever lose control again.

Later that night, Justin tossed and turned in his bed, reliving his prom night. As they walked into the ballroom, it seemed like all eyes were on them. Jeff looked absolutely beautiful in his tux and they made a striking couple. Jeff had played football at one of the public high schools ever since he was a little boy and had the body to prove it. His muscles rippled under Justin’s fingertips as they took to the dance floor. They swayed together to the music, enjoying their close proximity. It wasn’t long before Justin was ready to move on to a more private location. They clasped hands and ran for the door.
They were both laughing and dancing across the garage, oblivious to everything but each other.

“Did you see the look on their faces?” Justin asked.

“We gave them a prom they’ll never forget,” Jeff replied.

“Neither will I. It was the best night of my life,” Justin stated, filled with hope that it was a new beginning for the two of them. His smile lit up the garage. Justin reached for his keys, only now realizing they were still in his coat back in the ballroom. He gave a quick kiss to Jeff and told him he’s be back in just a second. He walked back toward the elevator, turning when he heard his name called. There was no time to react as a baseball bat slammed directly into his head. Justin fell to the ground, looking up into the eyes of his attacker. But then the vision suddenly changed and he was the one with the baseball bat standing over Molly’s crumpled body. He dropped the bat and screamed, “No!”

Justin bolted up out of bed, his breath coming in short gasps. His eyes were wild with fright as he took in his surroundings. Malcolm remained peacefully asleep. Quickly and as quietly as possible Justin jumped out of bed and threw on his sweatpants and a plain white t-shirt. He eased the door open and started down the hall, glancing at each nameplate he passed. He was running on autopilot, not quite sure what he was searching for. Finally it all came together in his head when he spotted the name Brian Kinney.
Justin crept into the room, shutting the door behind him. His body practically gave out on him as he leaned back against the door, sliding down it until his ass touched the floor. The shakes racking his entire body intensified from a mix of fear and drug withdrawal. He was horrified by the bloodied image of his sister that kept playing over and over in his head. He was so immersed in his own pain that at first Justin didn’t hear his name being called.

“Justin, is that you?” Brian asked tiredly, his eyes trying to focus on the young man across the room. He thought he had been imagining things when he heard his door open and close, but the sound of someone crying had broken through his sleepy haze. He was prepared to boot out whoever it was when he saw the flicker of blonde hair in the moonlight.

“Justin?” he asked again.

Justin stumbled to his feet, furiously wiping his eyes with his fists.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come in here. I just….I just didn’t know where else to go and I can’t go back to sleep and…I’m sorry. I should go,” Justin muttered and reached for the doorknob. He was halfway out the door when Brian grabbed him by the arm. Their eyes locked and Brian gently tugged him back into the room, shutting the door behind them.

“No, you don’t have to go. I’m actually feeling kinda restless myself. Why don’t you come over and sit down?”

Brian let go of Justin and motioned over to his bed. Justin reluctantly followed his command and sat down heavily with a sigh. Brian joined him, sitting with his back against the headboard. For a couple minutes they both remained silent, lost in their own worlds. Brian couldn’t believe Justin had actually come to him in the middle of the night. Besides Mikey he had never been the comforting person for anyone.

“So, you want to tell me what’s wrong?” Brian asked directly.

Justin shook his head and stared down at the floor instead. He wasn’t sure why he had decided to come here. They were virtual strangers but he was the first person Justin thought of when he woke up in fear. There was something about his presence that had a calming affect on him. Brian’s hand reached out to touch Justin’s forearm, attempting to get his attention.

“We can stay up all night staring at the grimy floor or you can tell me what’s got you spooked at 3 o’clock in the morning. I’ve got nothing else to do.”

Justin finally turned to face Brian and took a deep breath.

“It was a dream. Almost the same dream I’ve been having for the past year but this time was different. I’m at my prom with Jeff and everything is perfect. We’re dancing and laughing and I feel this amazing completeness that I’ve only read about. Then we walk down to the garage, still high on life, and dancing to the imaginary tune in our heads. I go back to grab my coat when Chris Hobbes hits me in the head with a baseball bat, knocking me to the ground. I feel it for a split second but then everything changes and suddenly…suddenly…”

Justin’s breathing became more labored as he gasped for air, nearing a full-blown panic attack. Brian pulled Justin closer, rubbing small circles on his lower back and whispering soothing words. Brian had never seen someone react like this and wasn’t sure if he was helping at all. It was another ten minutes or so before Justin was breathing more steadily. He leaned into Brian’s touch, relishing the closeness and support.

“You don’t have to finish, if you don’t want to,” Brian assured him.

“No, I’m OK. Thanks. I was on the ground and then suddenly I was the one with the baseball bat and Molly was on the ground covered in blood. I woke up almost immediately after that. It was so horrible and do you know what the worst part is?”

Brian shook his head, unable to answer.

“That it could have really happened. I was so out of control before I came here that I could have easily killed her.”

“That’s not true. You wouldn’t let yourself take it that far.”

“But I did Brian. I broke her fucking arm for God’s sake! What if her head hit the corner of my desk when she fell? She’d be gone and there’d be no one to blame but me. I might have taken a bat to the head but I’m not the only one that lives with the after effects.”

Justin’s voice crackled with pain. Brian pulled him closer, engulfing his slight body in a tight embrace. The tears began to fall more freely and Brian just held on, riding out the pain and guilt until all that was left were a few sniffles.

“So you were a shit, at least you’re man enough to admit it. Why the fuck else would you be here? This place might be absolute hell but they know what they’re doing. Just give your body a little time to heal and get rid of all the crap. You’re gonna beat this and then go home to annoy your little sister.”

“But what if…”

“There are no more what ifs. What’s done is done. Time to move on and put it all behind you with all the pills and booze. Your sister forgave you the moment after she fell. Now you just have to forgive yourself.”

Justin stifled a laugh.

“You sound like a fucking public service announcement. You know that’s the second time you’ve done that, sounded all inspirational.”

“I’m in advertising, what do you expect?” Brian replied.

He smiled, knowing he had somehow broken into Justin’s protective shell. Easing back away from him, Brian lay down on one side of the bed. Justin looked down at him warily.

“You’re not even my type so don’t worry about it. I just know tomorrow will be a helluva long day with all that sharing bullshit and you might want to get a little shut eye. Feel free to go back to your own room if I’m making you uncomfortable,” Brian suggested.

“No you’re not,” Justin reassured him, before lying down beside him. Brian inched a little closer to his warm body, so they were just barely touching. Justin could feel hot breath on the back of his neck. Brian was drifting back to sleep when Justin whispered his name.

“Yeah?” he replied.

“So what is your type?” Justin asked nervously.

Brian smiled into the soft blonde hair.

“Don’t worry about it. Maybe I’ll tell you another time.”

The two men fell asleep almost immediately and didn’t stir until Brian’s alarm clock went off. Brian automatically pushed snooze but didn’t fully wake up. Justin opened his eyes to find himself wrapped tightly in Brian’s arms. He snuggled in closer, enjoying the security for just a little while longer. As Brian stretched his body out he became aware of Justin’s presence. He carefully edged away, pulling his arms back against his sides. Feeling the sudden emptiness, Justin sat up and looked into Brian’s fully opened eyes.

“Hey” Justin greeted Brian.

“Hey” Brian replied, his eyes darting around the room. Justin could feel the tension radiating from his body and wished he could just disappear.

“So, I guess I should be going now.”

“Yeah, probably.”

Justin slipped off of the bed and padded barefoot to the door. He turned around to look at Brian one more time. Their eyes met briefly.

“Thanks. I mean for last night, being there and all.”

“Yeah, sure. No problem,” Brian replied. Justin eased his way out the door and hurried back to his room. Last night Brian had made him feel so safe and cared for. Now they could barely stand looking at one another. His emotions were all over the place and right about now a couple of vicodin would really feel good.

Brian watched Justin go and lay back down on his pillow. It had felt good last night to be needed. Lately he had been such a screw up that Mikey hadn’t even wanted to bother him with his problems. But Justin had come looking for him and wanting comfort from him specifically. It had been too easy to care about Justin and what he was going through. This morning they had both needed a little distance. Brian wasn’t quite sure what it meant. He couldn’t even remember ever waking up next to a trick, much as less some random guy that wasn’t Mikey. He could hear footsteps in the hallway but the last thing he wanted was to get up and face another day.
By the early afternoon, Brian had managed to push Justin out of his thoughts for a little while. He had just sat through a one on one meeting with Blake and was heading back to his room when Catherine from the desk called him over.

“Brian, there’s a Lindsay Peterson on line one for you. Do you want to take the call?”

Brian sighed. ‘So much for Mikey keeping his big mouth shut” he thought to himself before replying, “Yeah, might as well.”

“Okay, you can take it in the day room. I think it’s empty.”

“Thanks,” he replied walking towards the room apprehensively. He took a deep breath before picking up the phone.

“Hey Linds, what’s up?”

“Brian? What’s going on?” Lindsay asked angrily.

“Well, I’ve been a little stressed out lately so I decided to take a vacation,” Brian replied bitterly. “What the fuck do you think is going on?”

“Michael said that you checked yourself into Pleasant Valley. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Please Lindsay, as if you really cared,” Brian retorted.

“What’s that supposed to mean? Of course I care; and what about your son?”

“Yeah, what about my son? You won’t let me see him anymore anyway so what does he have to do with anything? Plus I’m in rehab now, I figured you’d be pleased.”

“That’s not fair Brian. I never wanted to send you away. I was just doing what I had to do to protect Gus. You’ve been in no condition…”

“Bullshit! I may have done a lot of things, but I would never have done anything to hurt my son. That was just your wife’s way of trying to keep him from me. I’m only good for writing checks!” Brian couldn’t hold back the anger that was racing through him.

“That’s not true. You’ve always been welcome to come and see him. I was the one who encouraged it in the first place, remember? But lately you’ve just been…”

“I’m the same person I always was Linds. Nothing has changed.”

“How can you say that? Everything has changed! You’re not the same person anymore. You’ve become this cold, self-centered bastard who doesn’t give a shit about anybody but himself. You’ve blown off your friends, your family, even your job. The only thing that you care about anymore is getting high and having your dick sucked. When was the last time you were at Debbie’s for dinner? Did you even know that Ted was in the hospital last month? That he almost died from a drug overdose?”

Brian was shocked by Lindsay’s outburst. Ted was in the hospital? He almost died? They may not have been the best of friends, but Ted was one of the gang. How could Brian not know that he almost died? So many thoughts were running through his mind that he almost missed Lindsay’s next words.

“Brian, I love you and it kills me to know that you’re destroying yourself. I really hope you’re in rehab to help yourself and not just to appease some advertising big wig. Melanie wants to petition to revoke your visitation rights indefinitely. I won’t be able to hold her off much longer,” she whispered softly, her pain evident in her voice.

“I gotta go Lindsay. Thanks for the words of encouragement. You’ve helped me to become a better person,” Brian replied with sarcasm, hanging up before she had a chance to reply.

He quickly made his way back to his room, Lindsay’s words ringing in his ear. He needed to try to block out the things she had told him and there was only one way he could think of to do that. After closing the door behind him, he reached into his hiding place and pulled out the flask. He needed the numbness that could only be found at the bottom of a bottle. Without worrying about how much he had left, he took a long swig, enjoying the familiar burn that the amber liquid produced. It only took a few swallows to ease the shaking that had begun at what he had heard and as he lay back on his bed with a death grip on his beam, he made a mental note to call Mikey the next day. He was going to need a refill as soon as possible.

Justin was walking through the halls, wandering aimlessly trying to find something to do to fill up his free time. He still felt a little foolish about seeking the older man out the night before, but he was scared and didn’t have anyone else to turn to. Brian seemed to understand him. He knew what it was like to be locked away from the substances that they had used to get through the hard times. It had seemed like the most natural thing in the world to find comfort from someone like him, but by the morning he began to think that he should have stayed in his own bed. He could sense Brian’s unease at having him in his bed and decided to make a hasty retreat. He suddenly decided to seek out Brian and once again thank him for being there the night before.

After looking in the dayroom only to find it empty, he made his way towards Brian’s room quickly. The door was closed so Justin rapped softly before opening it slowly and calling the other man’s name. He was utterly surprised by what he saw. Brian was lying on his bed; sound asleep with what appeared to be an empty flask hanging loosely in his grip. He somehow doubted that it was filled with fruit juice and a surge of disappointment ran through him as he took in the sight. He thought he had found a friend and confidant in Brian; someone who could help him get through the rough times ahead clean and sober and all the while, Brian had been keeping a stash of alcohol in his room.
He thought about just walking away and forgetting what he had seen but knew that he couldn’t do that. Anyone could have walked in and seen what he was seeing and despite his anger at the other man, he didn’t want to see him get in trouble; or worse yet thrown out. Apparently Brian needed the rehab more than Justin had originally thought.
He quietly closed the door behind him and walked towards the bed, gently taking the flask from Brian’s hand. One smell and his fears had been confirmed. He’d spent enough time around the country club bar to know whisky when he smelled it. He stood there for another moment watching Brian sleeping peacefully before he stepped back and raised his hand, dropping the flask to the ground and letting the loud crash wake the man from his sound sleep.

“Wha…” Brian bolted up in bed, startled by the loud crash, his eyes immediately focusing on the blond before him. “What the fuck are you doing?”

“I think the more appropriate question is what the fuck are you doing?” Justin snapped back.

“I was sleeping, in case you hadn’t noticed,” Brian replied, lying back down with a sigh.

“More like passed out, I think. Brian, what are you doing with alcohol in here? Are you out of your mind?” Justin asked him angrily.

“What are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about this,” Justin said as he reached down and picked up the flask, showing to the other man. “How could you do that? This is a rehab for fucks sake.”

“Yeah well, the beverage menu around here sucks, so I decided to supply my own. What the fuck business is it of yours?”

“You’re a fucking hypocrite! You were the one who told me to put the drugs and booze behind me; I thought you were doing the same. I thought that we were becoming friends; that you understood what I was going through,” Justin cried out in frustration.

“I’m not a fucking hypocrite. I haven’t touched a drug since I walked through those front doors. The beam is just a little something to help take the edge off. As for us becoming friends, I don’t need any more friends. I have enough already that turned their backs on me. Don’t look at me as some kind of hero you can worship. And remember, I’m in advertising. Just because I print the ad, doesn’t mean I buy into it. I’m just a man, like everyone else in here,” Brian replied, ignoring the pain he saw in Justin’s face.

“No, you’re not like everyone else. Everyone else is trying to help themselves. You’re just here wasting your time while attempting to fool everyone else around you. I won’t bother you anymore, you should get used to being alone.”

With that, Justin walked out of the room, leaving Brian to contemplate his words and wonder if maybe the kid was a lot smarter than he thought. He also couldn’t help but admire the perfect bubble but as it exited the room. It was just one more weapon the blonde had to fight his asshole persona with.


End of part 2

 

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