I WANT TO KNOW WHAT LOVE IS

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I saw a clip of the video after ringing in the New Year tonight, and my muse made me set down the champagne, sit my arse down, and write. This is totally unbetae'd, so any screw-ups are mine alone, and I apologize, but I just had to get this down. Happy 2003 to everybody, and may this year suck less than last year.

Song lyrics by Mick Jones, 1984

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Justin hitched his carry-on bag over his shoulder and headed toward the terminal to board his flight. He was still curious about the mysterious package placed in the bag - a note was attached to it that simply read, "Do not open this until you are in New York." He figured it was probably a Christmas gift from Ethan - he'd taken off on tour after winning the Heifitz award a month ago, and although they weren't dating, they had slowly decided to remain friends.

After the day the world ended, as Justin liked to describe the night of the Rage party, Justin moved back in with his mother. He didn't want to live with Ethan - too many memories of being dependent upon a lover for room and board assaulted his brain, and he felt it would be better to just go home. He and Ethan did fight over his decision, but Justin stood firm. Ethan saw it as Brian still having a hold on him, and ended the relationship.

Justin did feel like a failure for running back home with his tail between his legs, but he didn't want to impose upon Debbie again, not to mention not wanting to run into Michael. And of course living with Brian was a definite no-no.

Jennifer noticed how despondent her son was after leaving Brian, and especially after Ethan left town in pursuit of his destiny. She bought him the plane ticket and arranged for accommodations, and told Justin it was a late birthday gift. "Just have fun, and try not to think about Pittsburgh too much - and make sure you call me when you get there," she said. And that's how Justin found himself in line, boarding a plane headed for New York, to celebrate New Year's in a different environment. Unfortunately, while his mother meant well, the thought of New York only elicited memories of that time two years ago, when he ran away to New York with Brian's credit card, and Brian came after him. Even more disturbing were the memories of the ensuing make-up sex.

"Stop it," Justin said, emiting strange stares from other people in the line. "Sorry," he muttered as a blush crept over his alabaster face. He had to keep those memories at bay before he got kicked off the plane for cracking up.

As the plane took off, Justin's thoughts drifted back to the strange package in his bag. It was about the size of a CD, ornately wrapped in Christmas wrapping and decorated with a gorgeous bow, but with no tag. The note was obviously printed on a computer, so there was no handwriting for him to analyze. His mother wouldn't do this; Ethan might; Brian? Hell no. He hadn't seen Brian since that awful night - not even at his favorite haunts. It was as if Brian had exiled himself from the world, like Oedipus after blinding himself.

The flight was uneventful and short; the wait at La Guardia's baggage claim felt longer. As Justin hefted his suitcase from the conveyor belt and headed outside, he saw a man in a chauffeur's uniform holding up a sign bearing his name.

"I'm Justin Taylor - who are you?" he asked.

"I'm your transportation while you are here in the city," the gentleman said in a soft English accent.

"Let me guess - my mother?" Justin said with a laugh.

"Is her name Jennifer?" the driver asked.

"Yep."

"Then yes."

Justin laughed at this turn of events - leave it to his mother, worrywart extraordinaire, to get him his own driver while he was on vacation. He let the chauffeur lead him to his hotel. He still couldn't believe his mother managed to get him a suite at the Hilton Times Square at its busiest time of year - he found himself getting excited at the thought of being out in the throng of people, watching the ball drop.

At 5:00 that evening, the driver - Justin found out his name was James - helped him carry his luggage up to his suite, declined a tip, and left his card. "Your mother said you are to call me whenever you need to get anywhere," he said, and Justin chuckled, said his thanks, and bid James goodnight. He knew he didn't need a ride to the New Year's party in two days - he was walking distance. However if he wanted to see the sights tomorrow or the day after New Year's Eve, he would keep James in mind.

Justin remembered the gift, and dug into his carryon bag to grab it. Impatiently he tore open the wrap, only partly regretful of tearing such beautiful paper, and saw a CD-R with a glossy label that simply said, "For Justin." A note was attached to the jewel case, and he read:

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Justin,

I know it's probably too little, too late, but please listen to the song I've burned on this disk. Perhaps it will help you understand me a little more.

For what it's worth, we had a good ride.

-B

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"Goddamnit," Justin gasped. "NOW Brian decides to contact me? After all these months? Well, fuck him!" Justin threw the CD, the jewel case breaking apart as it hit the opposite wall. He sat on the edge of the bed, shaking.

The part of Justin who still loved Brian ran across the suite in a panic, picking up the CD and praying it wasn't damaged. Seeing it was intact, he grabbed his portable CD player, put on his headphones, and listened to Brian's musical letter.

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I gotta take a little time
A little time to think things over
I better read between the lines
In case I need it when I'm older

Now this mountain I must climb
Feels like a world upon my shoulders
Through the clouds I see love shine
It keeps me warm as life grows colder

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
Can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I'm gonna take a little time
A little time to look around me
I've got nowhere left to hide
It looks like love has finally found me

In my life there's been heartache and pain
I don't know if I can face it again
I can't stop now, I've traveled so far
To change this lonely life

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
I wanna feel what love is
I know you can show me

I wanna know what love is
I want you to show me
And I wanna feel, I want to feel what love is
And I know, I know you can show me

Let's talk about love
I wanna know what love is, the love that you feel inside
I want you to show me, and I'm feeling so much love
I wanna feel what love is, no, you just cannot hide
I know you can show me, yeah

I wanna know what love is, let's talk about love
I want you to show me, I wanna feel it too
I wanna feel what love is, I want to feel it too
And I know and I know, I know you can show me
Show me love is real, yeah
I wanna know what love is...

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

As Foreigner's 1984 hit faded in Justin's ears, he heard sobbing, and realized it was himself. Brian Kinney could have written that song. It was the story of his life. Justin knew Brian was asking for another chance. He curled up on the huge bed and cried for the wasted days, weeks and months. He cried for Brian's wounded soul; he cried for Ethan; he cried for himself and the suffering he endured.

It was nine o'clock in the evening when Justin arose, and caught a glimpse of his tear-stained face in the mirror over the dresser. He remembered he had to call his mother, and grabbed his cell phone to reassure her he hadn't disappeared in the Big Apple.

"Hi Mom, yes, James got me here safe...no, I didn't go out, I took a nap when I got here...yes, I know I promised to call when I got here...I'm sorry, mom...yes, yes...I love you too...give Molly a kiss for me...bye."

Justin ended the call, then went into the bathroom to wash his face, piss and clear his head. He couldn't stop thinking about that song - he knew it would haunt him during his vacation. He remembered seeing the video on VH-1 Classics one night at the loft, and not really paying attention. He remembered hearing snatches of the lyrics and thinking, 'That's Brian.' He never realized how right he was until he played that CD.

He unpacked and put away his clothes and toiletries, checked out the view from the windows, and watched television - anything to delay the inevitable. He knew he had to call Brian. He knew he had to tell him how important his gift was, but he was terrified - what if he decided to take Brian back, and Brian continued to behave like a dick? Could he live like that again, never knowing whether - shit - the song - Brian's trying!

"He's trying!" Justin cried in the empty room. He understood now - this was Brian's way of begging Justin to come back, and that he would try with his help. "Shit," Justin said with a laugh, and grabbed his cell phone again.

"Kinney."

"You asshole!"

"Mikey, I told you I was coming to Babylon at ten, and not a minute sooner!"

"I need to work on my voice if you think this is Mikey, twat."

"Justin? Baby? Is that you?"

"Did you just call me Baby?"

"If you heard it, I guess I did. I take it this isn't a social call?"

"I listened to the CD, and my answer is 'Yes.'"

"Yes to what?"

"Don't be vague. You know what."

"Where are you now?"

"In New York - Mom sent me here to party in Times Square to help me take my mind off things."

"Must be nice - I'm sitting in this cold-ass loft watching "Yellow Submarine." You left the tape here. The damn heat went out again."

"Awww...poor baby."

"Twat."

"I love you Brian."

"What did you say?"

"I said I love you. I love you, you idiot - you stupid idiot...you fucking pushed me away."

"You deserved to be happy."

"News flash, Brian - I wasn't. Ethan and I broke it off not long after I left you, and I've been living with Mom ever since."

"I thought you were everything he wanted?"

"Only if I'd agreed to move in with him - which I didn't."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize - you'll lose points in the 'Asshole' race. Remember - you always said 'sorry's bullshit.'"

"I don't care anymore - I love you too much to keep saying that shit."

"Did you just tell me you love me?"

"Don't get too used to it, Justin - this is all new to me, but I do want to try."

"If I could reach through this phone, Brian, I'd throttle you right now. Why couldn't you have said all this that last day?"

"You scared the hell out of me when you started singing your fiddler's praises."

"Well, instead of hiding behind that 'Rage' mask, why don't you just open your mouth now and then?"

"I'll try."

"We'll talk when I get back."

"Call me as soon as you're home - I miss you."

"I miss you too, Brian. I love you."

"Me too. Bye."

Justin found the rest of his vacation a lot more pleasurable after talking to Brian. He actually had something to look forward to when he returned to the Pitts - a New Year, and a new beginning. And this time it was for keeps, if he had anything to do with it.

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