What Hurts the Most

Author's Note: This isn't what you think at first. Keep reading.

Brian sighed as he rolled onto his back, listening to the rain outside of his loft. As he ran his right hand up and down on the blue sheet, on his bed, his mind wandered back to Justin.

He thought about the blond, and felt a few tears roll down his cheeks. He was alone, in his bed, so he allowed himself to cry. Everytime he thought about Justin, he felt an ache in his chest. An ache that he knew would never go away.

He remembered the times that he and Justin had sex in this bed. They would tease and be playful, but also animalistic. The times that they would dance at Babylon were also engraved in his memory. He loved all of the time that he spent with Justin.

Somehow the blonde twink, who was only supposed to be a one-time thing, had got under his defenses. Got into his heart.

Closing his eyes, he remembered the last time that he had seen Justin. It was at Justin's prom. When they were standing at Brian's jeep, Justin had told him that it was the best night of his life. What Justin hadn't known, was that it was also the best night of Brian's life. When they had danced to "Save The Last Dance", Brian had seen his future in Justin's eyes. He knew right then and there that he would change his life for Justin. It had scared him; he had never felt for anyone what he felt for Justin.

When they had kissed at Brian's jeep, Brian thought about confiding in Justin about what he felt, but he was too chicken shit to do it. He had told him "Later", and thought they had all the time in the world. Then, the next thing he knew, that damn Chris Hobbs had hit Justin with a bat. As Brian held Justin waiting for the ambulance, trying to stop the blood from flowing out of Justin's head, he had cried. At the time, he could'nt have cared less about who saw him.

After Justin had been rushed into the emergency room, Brian had called Michael. He needed his best friend. Half-an-hour later, the whole gang had decended on him, demanding to know what had happened. Three hours later, their worst fears were confirmed. Justin was dead. He had sustained too severe an injury, and there was nothing the doctors could do.

Brian hadn't been able to make himself go to Justin's funeral. But, after everyone had left, Brian found himself at Justin's grave. He knew that it was his fault that Justin was gone. If only he hadn't gone to that damn prom. But it had made Justin so happy. He sighed as he felt sobs shaking his body. The worst thing was that Justin would never know how he felt about him. How much he loved him. And Brian would never know what could've been for their future. Brian just wished that he had had the guts to tell Justin how he felt after the dance. He believed in 'no regrets', but he knew that he would always regret not telling Justin that he loved him. He would regret it for the rest of his life. "Goodbye, Sunshine," he whispered. Turning, he had walked away while tears continued to roll down his face.

 

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
 

Brian jerked awake, breathing hard, his cheeks wet with tears. His heart was wildly beating and he quickly looked over to where Justin was laying beside him. He breathed a sigh of relief. The dream had been so real. He knew that he couldn't wait another minute, he had to tell Justin how he felt. Reaching over, he shook Justin awake.

"Brian? What's the matter?"

"Justin, I need to tell you something. I..." Stopping, Brian took a deep breath and tried again. "Justin, I love you." Justin's blue eyes widened. Then, his face broke into a huge smile, and Brian was reminded, once again, why everyone called the blond Sunshine.

Justin grabbed Brian in a hug and whispered, "I love you, too, Brian."

After a sweet and lingering kiss, they pulled apart.

The dream was still nagging at Brian and he had a feeling that Justin shouldn't go to his prom. He felt silly, but he wasn't about to ignore the dream.

"Justin, how about instead of you going to your prom, we have our own night together? Like a... date?"

If it was possible, Justin's smile widened. "I'd love to, Brian." After a slight pause, Justin asked, "What's brought all of this on?"

Brian shrugged and said, "I felt that I had to tell you. I don't want anything to happen and you not know."

Hugging Brian, Justin whispered into his ear. "I love you, Brian. Always will."

"Me, too," Brian whispered back.


I can take the rain
On the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me

I can take a few tears now and then
And I just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

Chorus:

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away
And never knowin' what could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain
Of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile
When I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away
All the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Repeat Chorus Twice

Not seein' that lovin' you
That's what I was trying to do
oooo, oooo, oooo--

"What Hurts The Most" sung by Rascal Flatts on their Me And My Gang album.

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