I'm Not About to Wish You Free

Credit: Title is from the equally sappy Andy Bell song "The Rest of Our Lives."

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Brian felt oddly hesitant about knocking on Justin's door. He could use his key of course, but today he was an uninvited guest. He knew he was always welcome, but Justin would most certainly not be expecting him. Justin was flying home in the morning in order to be on time for Debbie's Christmas dinner. Home, even after five years he and Justin both still thought of Pittsburgh as his home. Brian was taking a chance on that.

He should have waited, he thought shifting uncharacteristically from one foot to the other. Justin would be at the loft for a few hours before going to Debbie's. But things would be rushed, hectic. Brian needed time with Justin, privacy to say what he needed to say before they were overwhelmed with family. He wanted to give Justin time to think if he needed to before they were faced with Jennifer, Molly and her new boyfriend, the Munchers with the kids, and hell he thought Carl's daughter and her husband would be there as well. Brian needed time to hopefully celebrate with Justin before he was forced to share him with an odd assortment of family and strangers.

Justin's gift felt too heavy resting in his coat pocket so he took it out. Brain turned it in his hands before flipping open the card to read the message he'd written. "Time's up. It's time to come home. I love you." While it had never become easy to tell Justin he loved him, Brian managed more than he ever imagined. It was worth the struggle to see Justin's smile get a little brighter, to feel him sink a little deeper into his embrace. Justin always took it in stride and understood the feeling was always there even if the words weren't. Still, Brian preferred to write in an email or a note where he wasn't so openly vulnerable.

As for the rest of the message, Justin would understand. Justin always understood. It was the only way they had survived this long. He could remember so clearly saying goodbye to Justin, trying to pretend it wasn't killing both of them. Dismissing their separation as "only time." In a way he'd been right. They had made it through five years of visiting each other sometimes often and sometimes not. Five years of phone calls, email, and the occasional letter. The time apart hadn't changed their feelings for each other or lessened their passion.

On the other hand, that had to be one of the biggest bullshit lines he'd ever tried to pull off. He'd made sound easy as if the distance was inconsequential. Brian had been very wrong about that. He'd never adjusted to Justin not being there they way he has gotten used to Justin being there. He hadn't realized how much he'd come to count on Justin's presence or how much he'd hate not having Justin available to him. He didn't like needing to make an effort to contact Justin, didn't like the necessity of seeking Justin out to share things with him. It seemed too contrived, too much like the work he always knew a relationship would entail.

There were times when he resented Justin's life, when he hated that Justin's success had taken him away. Then he'd let the distance multiply by canceling visits and ignoring phone calls. Sometimes to prove he could that he didn't need Justin, and sometimes to punish Justin for not being there. Brian knew Justin struggled to deal with him long distance. Justin couldn't always read him without seeing him. He couldn't tell when Brian was hiding something or had simply forgotten to tell him. Brian had never been one for sharing and that left Justin feeling like he was being cut out of Brian's life.

Over the years, they had learned to handle each other. Brian knew when a long late night phone call where he was already stoned and relaxed made up for terse replies and cut off conversations. Justin knew when to show up unexpectedly at the loft and get in Brian's face then fuck the doubts out of him until he remembered what they were to each other. But Brian was tired of making it work. They deserved better.

Brian was about to knock when Justin flung open the door on his way to take out the trash if the bag he dropped was any indication. "Brian what are you doing here?" Half the words were muffled as he threw himself into Brian's arms.

"Merry Christmas Sunshine," Brian could never resist using Justin's nickname the first time he saw them. The smile on Justin's face made it more than appropriate.

Justin kissed him hard before pulling back clearly confused, "I'm flying home in the morning right? I mean I packed and everything."

Brian felt the last doubt slip away with Justin's use of the word "home." "You're not getting senile yet. I'm flying back with you. I just wanted to give you your present tonight."

"Go ahead and well do whatever. Let me get rid of this," indicating the forgotten bag, "and I'll be right back in." Justin smiled and licked his lips before disappearing down the hall.

Brian knew that look. Justin assumed his present was something sexual. While he certainly planned on sex, his gift was of a completely different nature. Walking into the apartment, Brian took a beer from the fridge and settled into the living room to wait.  Justin had been in this apartment for about a year, and it was by far the nicest place so far. They could do better though.

"So what's with this present you couldn't wait to give me?" Justin asked breezing back into the apartment and throwing himself next to Brian on the couch.

"Here," Brian said abruptly thrusting the box at Justin. All words of explanation flew out of his head, and he was left speechless. Brian watched Justin read the card and saw the hope flare in his eyes before he smashed it down. That was exactly the reaction Brian wanted to stop. He wanted Justin to hope freely, to have the confidence to believe.

Justin's hands shook as he opened the box, and when he finally looked at Brian his eyes were wet and shining. "Are you sure?" he whispered.

Brian quirked an eyebrow and looked at the rings he's held on to for so long. He intent was obvious, "Are you sure?" he countered.

"Always, I've always been sure." Justin reached out and stroked on finger reverently along the bands.

He couldn't say the same, but Brian wanted to give Justin what he could. "I think I always knew the feelings were real, that they would last. I just needed a lot of time to realize that was a good thing." Justin nodded understanding as always what Brian was trying to say. He moved into Brian's arms, and they kissed leisurely as if suddenly realizing they had all the time in the world. Eventually Justin pulled back, and Brian knew the questions would begin.

"Why now? It's been legal in Pennsylvania for over a year now."

Brian sighed; he remembered that only too well. Justin had stayed away from Pittsburgh during the heavy campaigning before the election and the euphoric period that gripped Liberty Avenue after the victory. He remembered the tightness in Justin's smile during the ceremonies for Michael and Ben and then Ted and Blake. No one asked them what their plans were, but the question was obvious in their eyes. Even Debbie had been silent on the subject, but no one could miss the sympathetic glances she shot Justin's way.

"The first time I asked you, it was mostly about fear and not knowing how to hang on to something I just realized I wanted. I needed the second time to be on my terms. I didn't want it to be motivated by someone else's political agenda or for it to be a reaction to simply being allowed."

"So what are your terms?" Justin asked with a smile.

"For starters, you will provide on demand sexual favors for your husband."

Justin snorted, "I do that now."

"And you do it very well," Brian leered before turning serious. "I want you to come home. You're doing well enough that you don't need to be here all the time." That had been true for a while. Brian knew Justin had been thinking about moving back to Pittsburgh, but had been waiting for Brian to ask. "When I sold the house, I invested the money. There's enough for us to get a nice place up here. We can come up as often as I've been visiting, more often for you if necessary. Maybe in a few years Kinnetik will be ready to expand. I can't promise that, but I want us to live together."

"I like your terms. So how are we doing this?"

"New Year's Eve before Gus goes back home." Brian had given this a lot of thought, and he wanted his son at his wedding. "We'll have a party at the loft, and the wedding can be a surprise."

"So I have to keep this a secret for a week?" Justin pretend to pout. "That's good though. I wouldn't want to deal with the pressure and expectations again. Especially after last time. Emmett's going to kill you for throwing this at him last minute."

"Emmett's not doing the party."

"How are you going to get away with that?" Justin asked in disbelief

"Emmett can't keep a secret to save his life. I'll just tell him I want him to relax and be a guest. He'll have fun criticizing everything that way."

"You might be able to appease him, but where are you going to find someone to do it all with such short notice."

Brian shifted a bit and reached into his pocket for a cigarette. "I don't have to. It's already taken care of." He could tell by Justin's smile that he was caught.

"How long have you been planning this?"

"Since my birthday," Brian mumbled fidgeting with the cigarette they both knew he had no intention of lighting. He saw understanding dawn in Justin's eyes. His birthday was really code for the anniversary of the bashing. They always spent that time together, but this year Brian hadn't been able to deal with the sympathy and concern everyone heaped on them. So they'd finally taken the vacation they'd talked about for years. A week in Hawaii had gone along way to relaxing both of them although some pain was too big to be completely washed away.  The week alone had forced Brian to face two things. The first was how quickly and without warning Justin could be taken away from him. The second was that he wanted Justin with him all the time.

"Brian, that was six months ago! Why are you just asking me now?"

Dropping the cigarette on the coffee table, Brian answered without looking at Justin. "I needed time to make sure I was ready, that I could do this."

"You mean you've been, I mean you haven't? For six months?" Justin seemed torn between amusement and shock.

"Three," Brian corrected shortly. "It took a few tries to get it right."

"Only you Brian," Justin shook his head and kissed Brian. "I would never hold you to that, you know."

Brian did know that which is part of what made it easier than he expected. "Well, you're the only one because once I put that ring on your finger, your ass really is mine. Look Justin, this is my choice, something I want to do. If we're going to do this, we're going to do all of it. It's not really that much of a sacrifice. I'm not the person I used to be; you know that. There's nothing left for me to prove."

Justin nodded solemnly, "So you're really ready for this?"

"It's time, Justin. I don't know that I can explain it better than that. We're forever; we both know that. It wouldn't be easy, but it will never be over. I'm proud of what we have. We should have everything that comes with the commitments we already made to each other. The good and the bad. I want you tied to me emotionally, physically, and legally. I want to be tied to you. I love you, and it's time." There was more Brian could say, but Justin already knew it all.

Justin looked at the rings again, a tender smile on his face, before carefully closing the box and setting it aside. "I love you too. I can't wait to marry you. I can't wait to put that ring on your finger and know it will always be there. But since I have to wait," Justin smile changed from tender to passionate. "I think I need to practice bestowing sexual favors on my husband."

Brian opened his arms wide, his face lit with a smile of both relief at knowing he hadn't screwed this up and joy at knowing Justin really was his forever. "Bestow away."

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For their first anniversary, Justin gave Brian a painting titled "Tied Forever." It was dominated by swirls of gold and silver, but there were hints of red and purple and blue swirling through the piece as well. They hung it in the bedroom, and while many people admired it and speculated that some of the circles might represent wedding bands, no one but Brian understood the depth of what Justin was telling him.

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