Touch My Heart

Brian took another sip of his wine and tried to feign interest in Michael's latest comic book find. He felt Justin relax against him as he chatted with Emmett about some movie they wanted to see. Justin was always so much better at these family things then he was. But then wine and chitchat in the munchers living room following Gus's family birthday party was never his thing. To make matters worse, he promised to show up at Gus's school party this weekend. As if sensing his tension, Justin moved closer and ran a hand up and down his thigh. Brain put his arms around him and kissed his temple. Then he silently counted to three.

Right on cue, Michael started, "Jesus, can't you two keep your hands off each other for five minutes."

"Lighten up Mikey. It's not like he stuck his hand down my pants or anything," Brian answered with a pointed look at the arm Ben had around Michael's shoulder.

Justin flashed Michael a sweet smile and slipped his hand over Brian's crotch, "Well you caught me, Michael. I was going to jerk him off right here, but I guess I'll have to wait until we get home."

Brian rolled his eyes while he listened to Michael sputter and try not to stare at Justin's hand. He wasn't sure who to kill first. Even though Justin had been back for over a year, Michael still treated him like a trick that overstayed his welcome. He kept waiting for Brian to get tired of him and kick him out. Like that was ever going to happen. And Justin taunted him every chance he got. He asked him once why he didn't just tell Michael to fuck off. Justin had shrugged and told him, "Michael has to believe I'm nothing more than a fuck to you. I can't change that. I could get aggravated about it or I can aggravate him. Which sounds like more fun to you?"

Brian couldn't really blame Justin. With all the shit he took from Michael, from all of them really, he couldn't believe Justin didn't tell everyone to fuck off, himself included. Brian didn't understand them at all. They had practically demanded that he bring Justin home and get back together with him. He'd done that, and at first they were all happy. But within a month it started. Brian could feel them breathing down the back of his neck waiting for him to screw up. Waiting for him to make the one mistake that would cause Justin to leave again. God knows they spent enough time reminding him and Justin of all their past mistakes.

Anyone with half a brain could see things were different this time. Justin wasn't some seventeen-year-old getting all starry eyed over his first lover. And Brian wasn't trying to stop the clock before he hit thirty while proving he was the hottest stud on Liberty Avenue. Justin wasn't at the loft because his father disowned him or because he needed to heal. He was there because it was what they both wanted. That was the difference; they both knew what they wanted and for once it seemed to be the same thing. So they moved beyond all the drama and fireworks their friends were still waiting for. At least outside the bedroom that is.

He couldn't entirely blame them for not understanding. After all, his relationship with Justin had always been unfathomable to most of them. Justin had insisted they keep the whole Kip fiasco a secret so no one knew why Justin had really left, and they certainly didn't know how far Brain had gone to get him back. They accepted without question that Justin loved him, but his feelings for Justin were still a topic of great debate. He swore which way the wind blew determined if the consensus was he loved Justin or that he kept Justin around because he put up with him and was good in bed. Not that Brian had ever been any help in that area. As far as he was concerned, his feelings for Justin were private. As long as Justin knew where they stood, it was no one else's business. And he intended to make sure Justin knew exactly how he felt later on. Although, maybe he shouldn't wait.

"Well, Vic and I need to get going. I have the early shift tomorrow," Debbie said as she stood up to leave.

"Wait," Brian stopped her. "I have something I wanted to tell everyone. Just wait a minute." Brian walked into the kitchen and started looking through the cupboards. If he was going to do this, he needed something stronger than wine. He could hear murmurs of surprise from the other room and then Justin's voice, "Don't look at me. I have no idea what he's planning."

"There's nothing wrong, is there Sunshine? He's not sick or anything is he?" Debbie asked.

"No, he's not sick. Everything's fine."

"Maybe he's planning to leave town again. I mean after the way he reacted to turning thirty, he's been handling forty too well. This could be the start of a mid-life crisis."

Brian heard a note of irritation creep into Justin's voice when he answered, "Ted, he is not having a mid-life crisis. Where do you get these ideas? Things are going well at the agency; he's happy. Brian is not leaving town."

"You can't be sure. He doesn't tell you everything," Michael piped up.

Brian slammed the glass on the counter a bit harder than necessary. Let it go Mikey, just fucking let it go.

"So are you and Brian going to Babylon later?"

"I have a painting I need to work on, but I'm not sure about Brian. He may want to go."

Brian gave Emmett points for changing the subject and moving the conversation onto safer ground. At least until Melanie opened her mouth, "Honestly Justin, I don't know how you put up with it. I mean Brian's lifestyle has to bother you. Especially the tricking."

Like Melanie had a clue how much tricking he did. Hell, they would all be shocked if they knew how rarely he tricked anymore or how long it had been since his last trick. But again, that was none of their business.

"Mel, Justin knows how Brian is. He knows not to expect too much. He accepts Brian for who he is."

Christ, Lindsay thought she was defending him. As if reminding Justin that he was an inconsiderate, unfaithful shit who couldn't be counted on was supposed to be reassuring. The really sad part was no one was trying to upset or hurt Justin. Well, except maybe Michael. Astonishingly enough, they did it because they loved him. What Brian couldn't understand was how people who loved Justin as much as they did, didn't expect him to feel the same way. Maybe they didn't deserve to be enlightened.

But, he reminded himself, this wasn't about them; it was about Justin. And he did deserve this. He had earned it the last few weeks. It all started with Ted. Ted, who almost lost what little balls he had when he made a remark about how Brian only attended Justin's student art shows in hopes of picking up a new boy toy. He actually had the fucking gall to say it in front of Justin. Brian had started across the table after him when Justin stopped him. Justin proceeded, in his own polite and deliberate way, to make Ted feel like total shit. And then he just let it go. Brian, on the other hand, thought about it all day. He remembered what Justin once said about letting other people's doubts creep in. How long could Brian expect him to hold up with everyone waiting for them to fail?

So of course, Brian treated him like shit for the next few days. Finally Justin called him on it, and they had a big blowout over the whole thing. A little while later, Justin sat down with Brian on the couch like nothing ever happened. When Brian looked at him like he'd lost his mind, Justin sighed and explained, "Brian, let's not make a big deal out of this. You were an ass; I was pissed. Now we move on. It's not like I'm going anywhere. This is no threat to anything. We had a fight. Now we get to make up." And they did. Just like that. So this wasn't because Justin needed reassurance, it was because he didn't. Despite all the bullshit, Justin got it. He got him. And he deserved something for it. He probably deserved sainthood, but this was the best Brian could do.

Everyone stopped talking when Brian walked back into the room. "First of all I am not dying, I am not losing my mind, and I am not moving. There is something I wanted to tell Justin tonight, and I decided to let the rest of you hear it." Brian sat down next to Justin and reached for his hands. "Justin besides being Gus's birthday, it is also eleven years since I met you. If you had asked me then, I would have said there was no way I'd be with you eleven days later let alone eleven years. But here we are. I know it hasn't been easy, and we've spent more time apart than I care to remember. When I asked you to come home, I told you I couldn't say I loved you because I didn't know what it meant. I think you finally managed to teach me."

"Oh my God, I think he's going to propose," Emmet whispered when Brian paused.

Brian silenced him with a glare before turning back to Justin. He reached out and gently brushed a hand through his hair before continuing.  "You have always been so much stronger than me.  You see what you want, and you go after it. No games, no pretenses.  You're not afraid of your feelings. And somehow you were able to see through all my bullshit and figure out that I loved you long before I did. You were even strong enough to wait for me to catch up. I told you once that you were worth fighting for, that we were worth fighting for. I told you I wanted to be the one you told all the stories about your day to. That I wanted you to be the one I called after a meeting. I told you I wanted you to be the only one who sleeps in my bed, and I wanted to wake up with you every morning. I still mean all of it. I want all of that with you, and I want it forever."

Brian waited for Justin's reaction. He wasn't surprised that his eyes were a bit damp. But there were no tears. Instead, Justin gave him the smile that still made his breath catch and started talking as if he had expected this all along. "When I first met you, I was in awe. In awe of everything about you, the great Brian Kinney. Eventually I stopped being in awe and started really being in love. But you didn't believe me. I was too young; I didn't know what I wanted. And whatever other excuses you could come up with. So you'd push me away and I'd push back. Somehow we made that work for a long time. But you never stopped doubting me. You always held back because you were afraid I could never love the real Brian Kinney. And we both made some stupid mistakes and assumptions. Then I left. I learned something while I was gone. I could survive without you. But it was just existing. My life, my heart are with you. So for anyone who ever thought you were heartless," Justin smiled and looked around the room, "you have mine. All your fears were groundless. I know the real Brian Kinney and I love you. I love your sense of humor and your loyalty. I love how you do things for people and try to pretend it was for some selfish reason. I love watching you with Gus. I love that you came after me in Philadelphia. I love the way you wait while I stare at painting for hours trying to figure where to put the next stroke and then you tell me it's perfect no matter what I do. I love how you hold me at night and sit with me after a nightmare. I love that you finally started listening to me when I tell you I love you. I love you Brian Kinney. Forever."

Everyone was silent as Brian pulled Justin to him for a kiss. At least until Gus ran into the room and threw his arms around both of them. "Does this mean I can finally call you Dad?" he asked a beaming Justin.

While Justin hugged him, Brian scolded, "Gus, were you listening at the top of the stairs again? What did I tell you about eavesdropping?"

"But it's the only way I hear all the good stuff," Gus protested.

Once everyone began to find their voices, they all started talking at once. Brian took the opportunity to pull a red-faced Michael aside. "Mikey," he sighed, not sure what to say.

Michael shook his head, "That didn't just happen. You didn't just promise him"

"Forever. Yes, I did, and I mean it."

"But,"

"Come on, Mikey. You know, you've always known Justin was special. You just hoped I wouldn't figure it out."

"So this is it. He's never going away."

Brian couldn't stop the smile on his face, "No, never."

"Well, I suppose I should go over and congratulate him or offer him my sympathies for putting up with you," Michael said with a slight laugh.

"Thanks, Mikey," Brian hugged his best friend and headed back to Justin.

On the way home, Brian threaded his fingers through Justin's and asked, "So I imagine now you want to plan one of those God awful commitment ceremonies?"

"No," Justin snorted.

"No?"

"What do you call what we just did, Brian?"

"That my dear boy, was a last minute decision designed to keep our well-meaning friends from continuously reminding you what a terrible bet I am."

"Brian, we just told each other how we feel in front of the most important people in our lives. No day with tuxedos, flowers, music, and caterers could ever recapture that moment. It was perfect." Justin leaned over and gave him a quick kiss.

Brian couldn't help but smile. Justin really did get him. "Well, in that case we can finish the evening the way I originally planned." A few minutes later he pulled up on Liberty Avenue and led Justin to a familiar lamp post. He stood in front of Justin and looked into his eyes as he slipped a ring on his finger. Then he said simply, "Forever, Justin," before kissing him softly.

Justin pulled back and looked at his left hand which was now adorned with a wide band of deep, rich gold. The edges were slightly raised and a raised woven pattern similar to a Celtic love knot circled the band. Scattered throughout the pattern were small brilliant diamonds that captured the light. "God, Brian it's beautiful. It's perfect."

Brian took a deep breath and pressed a larger ring into Justin's hand, "Your turn."

Justin studied the platinum band with its center row of channel set blue diamonds for a moment. It had been hideously expensive, but what could Brian say he had a fondness for the color blue. Justin reached for his hand and softly repeated, "Forever, Brian." Then he captured Brian's lips for a long, deep kiss.

Several minutes later, Justin stepped back. "So," he began with a mischievous look in his eye, "since we are revisiting the night we met, are we recreating other highlights of the evening?"

Brian laughed and pulled him closer, "You want to see me juggle again?"

"No, the loft would never survive," he teased. Then he placed his mouth close to Brian's ear and nibbled a bit before whispering seductively, "I was thinking more along the lines of your rimming lesson. As well as the other equally pleasurable experiences that followed."

"I think something could be arranged," Brian answered while running his hands along Justin's chest. He gently pushed Justin back and said with a smile, "We're you headed?"

Justin paused a minute before answering, "No place special."

"I could change that."

"You already have," Justin answered with his brightest smile before their lips met again.

**Title taken from one of my favorite Erasure songs Catch 22.

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