Sweetness Follows

Author’s Notes: Huge thanks to flashfly for being a wonderful beta and friend.

Title is taken from the REM song of the same name.

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“I love you,” Brian whispered again because he couldn’t stop saying it. He needed Justin to hear it, to understand it, to absorb it into his skin until the knowledge was a part of him. Because, Christ, it seemed like they were always on the verge of losing each other permanently, and he was no longer willing to lose Justin with the words still unsaid.

“Come home with me,” he asked after kissing Justin again. Justin nodded still dazed, but Brian wasn’t above taking advantage of that. He slipped off Justin’s borrowed jacket, handing it to the closest emergency worker, and replaced it with his own. He led Justin silently to the cab he’d paid a ridiculous amount of money to keep waiting. They didn’t speak during the ride. Brian pulled Justin to rest against him and stroked his hair. He tried to ignore the smell of smoke and blood that clung to both of them, but more strongly to Justin. Brian hated thinking about Justin and blood.

Justin turned to him once they entered the loft blinking like he just realized where he was. “Brian?” His voice was uncertain, and he looked to the door as though he thought he should leave.

Brian closed his eyes. He recognized his name for both the question and plea that it was, but he didn’t know how to answer either. He rubbed a hand between his eyes before looking up again. “Justin, don’t. Let me take care of you.”

Relief flooded him when Justin nodded. He wasn’t ready to let Justin out of his sight, wasn’t sure when he would be. “You need a shower. Come on.”

The bathroom seemed too bright after the darkness he’d searched through to find Justin. Brian started the shower and adjusted the water temperature while Justin stripped. He kicked both their clothes into the corner. There would be no salvaging them. Brian joined Justin in the shower and watched him standing under the spray, eyes closed and head thrown back. When Justin reached for the soap, Brian stopped his hands.

Brian took his time washing Justin. He wanted every bit of dirt and soot gone. Scrapes and bruises were already starting to appear on Justin’s skin. Brian was careful with them, kissing them gently as he went. He washed Justin’s hair twice watching intently as the water changed from black to grey to clear. As the water swept the dirt away, Brian tried to let it wash away his fear, the tightness in his chest, and the memories of another time Justin had been hurt, and he hadn’t been the one to soothe him or wash away the blood.

Brian was so focused on Justin he barely noticed Justin’s hand on his body, but he still felt the care and tenderness in the touch. As they stood together, hands no longer cleaning, but comforting, Brian was only just aware of the words he whispered into Justin’s neck only loud enough for Justin to hear.

“I love you,” over and over again.

“So scared, can’t lose you. Not like that, not again.”

“Stay, don’t leave me.”

The words were repeated again and again until Justin pulled Brian’s head up so their eyes could meet, and he silenced Brian with a finger to his lips. Then he whispered his own reassurances.

“Love you, always have, you know.”

“Never wanted to leave.”

“Needed you there, needed to see you. You make me feel safe.”

Brian moved Justin so his back was against the wall then he dropped to his knees. Usually when he sucked Justin off, he liked to draw it out and tease him. But this was different; he wanted this time to be about nothing but pleasure. Justin was already hard enough to slide easily into Brian’s mouth. He held him there for a moment before moving his tongue along the bottom and sucking hard at the head the way Justin like it. He took his time letting Justin’s pleas and moans guide him. One hand gently massaged Justin’s balls before moving back to stroke his hole. Sooner than Brian would have liked, Justin was shouting his name and coming in his mouth. He rested his head briefly on Justin’s thigh before standing back up.

Threading his fingers into Justin’s hair, he leaned down and kissed him. Brian kissed him while bracing his hands against the wall and thrusting mindlessly into Justin’s fist. He kissed him the entire time Justin jerked him off muffling his groans against Justin mouth as he came. He kissed Justin until Justin could hear “I love you, don’t leave me,” as clearly in Brian’s kiss as he had when Brian spoke the words. Brian kissed Justin until the water started to run cold.

They dried off quickly touching each other often and unconsciously. There was nothing left of Justin’s in the loft, but he accepted the grey sweatpants Brian handed him without comment. Justin wore them so much Brian had been surprised he left them behind. Walking into the bedroom, Brian found a pair of navy boxers in a drawer and threw them on. He hadn’t worn them since hiding his surgery scar stopped being an issue, but he needed Justin to stay, and he didn’t want him to think it was only about sex.

When he turned around, he was surprised to see Justin taking a joint out of the box Brian kept in his nightstand. But beyond raising an eyebrow, he didn’t say anything other than, “Do you want a drink to go with that?”

Justin shook his head, “No. This is good.” He lit the joint and climbed into bed gesturing for Brian to join him.

Once Brian got into bed he leaned back against the headboard, and Justin rested on his chest. It was a familiar position. One that felt right. They passed the joint back and forth silently. Justin traced idle patterns on Brian’s stomach and around his belly button which made Brian laugh softly. Brian played with Justin’s hair fascinated by the way the color changed as it dried.

When the joint was gone, they kissed a few more times. The kisses were long and sloppy, and they both sighed when they finally pulled apart. Brian shifted until he was on his back with Justin’s head pillowed on his shoulder. It wasn’t long before Justin fell asleep.

Brian stayed awake longer gently running his hand up and down Justin’s back. He wasn’t ready to sleep and lose the feel of Justin next to him. He knew Justin still had doubts; he could feel the slight resistance in Justin’s body. But he stayed and that was enough for tonight. They could deal with the rest tomorrow. He would make sure Justin knew this wasn’t about fear or guilt or pity. Those were old issues. Brian wanted Justin to stay. He knew Justin wanted to stay, but his own fears held him back. Brian could deal with that. He would make Justin understand that the words had been there for a long time, but until tonight there hadn’t been anything that scared Brian more than saying them.

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