In the Space Between Sleep and Sleeplessness

Written for qaf_challenges Icon Challenge with a Twist

Author’s Notes: Thank you to shadownyc for being such a wonderful and supportive beta. Title and lyrics taken from the beautiful Barenaked Ladies song “Half A Heart.”
Inspired By Icon: Created by the talented paddies

 

*****************************
 

In the space between sleep and sleeplessness
We redress all our wounds
If we replace all this hopeless hopelessness
Then we could rest

 

Justin knew he should be asleep. He usually dropped right off after Brian fucked him, but he was still excited about the Gay-Straight Student Alliance. Well, really he was excited because Brian had taken him seriously. Maybe he should push a little. Not a lot, but just enough to keep Brian guessing.

“So once I get the GSSA up and running, will you come speak at a meeting?” Justin hid a smile when Brian snorted and laughed. He wasn’t stupid. If he let Brian reject him on things he didn’t care about, he had a better chance of getting what he really wanted.

“And what exactly would I speak about? The best places to pick up tricks or how to sneak recreational drugs past your parents? I wouldn’t have wasted my time in high school so I’m sure as fuck not going to bother now.”

“If they had a gay-straight alliance when you were in school, you’d have joined.”

Brian laughed again, “You can’t be serious.”

“You joined the chemistry club. At least with the GSSA, you would be almost guaranteed to fuck one of the other members.”

“If a single fuck-worthy person besides you or Daphne shows up at your meeting, I will blow you in the backroom at Babylon.”

Obviously Brian knew more about the St. James student body than he let on. “But still Brian, the chemistry club!” Justin whined just a bit.

“Learning to blow things up is much cooler than sitting around with a bunch of scared virgin queers and their fag hags while they talk about their feelings. I never needed that, and neither do you.”

Justin had been pressed up against Brian’s side, but he moved away now. “Yeah, cause my school experience is so great right now.”

Brian sighed, and Justin knew he was trying to be patient. “Look, I know things suck, but you’re handling them. You’re always going to be able to handle them without holding hands with other fags and singing Kumbaya.”

“So you think I’m wasting my time?” This conversation hadn’t gone the way Justin expected, and he wished he’d kept his mouth shut.

“No, I just think anyone with enough balls to start a Gay-Straight Student Alliance at St. James Academy doesn’t really need it. But that doesn’t mean it won’t help someone else. Now go to sleep. I have a conference call in the morning.”

When Brian pulled Justin closer, Justin didn’t resist. Not that he ever resisted Brian. After a few minutes of silence, Brian said softly, “Michael would have gone.”

Justin smiled, but didn’t say anything. He was done pushing for the night. He knew Brian was proud of him, and that was more than enough.

*****************************


 

Justin’s choked off scream woke him. Brian closed the distance between them slowly calling Justin’s name a little louder each time as he approached. He could tell by Justin’s breathing that he was awake, but not completely out of the dream. Brian didn’t want to frighten him further by sneaking up on him.

As Brian moved closer, he saw Justin turn slightly toward him. That meant Justin knew where he was, and it was safe for Brian to touch him. Still Brian hesitated before reaching for Justin’s hand – Justin’s left hand because even though he couldn’t see it, Brian knew Justin’s right hand was curled into his chest. He laced their fingers together as comfortably as he could and stroked the skin he could reach slowly but firmly with his thumb. Brian could feel the tremors still running through Justin’s body, could feel more than hear Justin crying.

A few days ago Brian would have pulled Justin closer. He would have rubbed his back or stroked his hair until Justin fell back to sleep. But his disastrous seduction had ruined what progress they had made, so Brian settled for the small point of contact Justin still allowed. He cursed himself silently for his unforgivably clumsy attempt at sex. Brian had never treated a trick that badly let alone someone he l. . ., let alone Justin.

It was obvious Justin wasn’t calming down, but Brian knew better than to try and hold him. They never talked after Justin’s nightmares, but Brian didn’t see any other option. Gus’s birthday party was the next day, and Justin insisted on going. He needed at least some sleep if he was going to make it through the party. “Justin,” he spoke just above a whisper. “Justin, it’s alright. You’re safe here. No one can hurt you.” He felt Justin relax the slightest bit, but wasn’t sure how to continue. Giving comfort had never been one of Brian’s strengths.

“I used to have nightmares when I was younger before I learned the benefits of medicated sleep. I had to be quiet when I woke up so no one would know. I never had a TV or radio in my room so I had to find a way to fall back asleep. I used to recite all the boring things they made us memorize in school like the Declaration of Independence or all the states and their capitals. Anything that was hard enough to make me concentrate and boring enough to put me to sleep.”

While Brian had been talking, Justin had turned to face him and moved so he was almost touching Brian. Not wanting to scare Justin away, Brian tried to think of something to recite for Justin, but his mind was blank. When the silence had gone on so long Justin began to move away again, Brian remembered all those early morning masses his mother had dragged him to. Joan had been a traditionalist and insisted on attending Latin mass even after English became the norm. For years she made Brian and Claire go with her every day before school.

Clearly his throat quickly, Brian began to speak, “Credo in Deum Patrem omnipotentem, Creatorem caeli et terrae. Et in Iesum Christum, Filium eius unicum, Dominum nostrum, qui conceptus est de Spiritu Sancto, natus ex Maria Virgine, passus sub Pontio Pilato, crucifixus, mortuus, et sepultus, descendit ad inferos,”

As Brian recited the Apostle’s Creed, Justin rested his head on his chest. Brian cautiously wrapped his arm around Justin and continued, “Tertia die resurrexit a mortuis, ascendit ad caelos, sedet ad dexteram Dei Patris omnipotentis, inde venturus est iudicare vivos et mortuos. Credo in Spiritum Sanctum, sanctam Ecclesiam catholicam, sanctorum communionem, remissionem peccatorum, carnis resurrectionem, vitam aeternam. Amen.”

Brian began rubbing circles on Justin’s back and felt Justin begin to relax into his touch. Keeping his voice low and steady, Brian started a new prayer. The words meant nothing to him, but the rhythm was soothing, almost hypnotic. By the end of the ‘Our Father’, Justin was asleep. But Brian didn’t stop touching him or speaking. He needed this as much as Justin did. And while the Act of Contrition was more hypocrisy than Brian could stand, he found himself beginning a Hail Mary.

Several repetitions later, Brian was too tired to continue. He fell asleep thinking of the scarf folded carefully in his drawer waiting to be put back on. Brian had never believed in penance, and now he remembered why. It didn’t change anything, and some things should never be forgiven.

*****************************



 

“Some asshole told me that if you believe in something strongly enough you have to be willing to sacrifice everything.”

Justin wanted to tell Brian that he was proud of him, that he loved him, but he knew Brian wasn’t ready to hear that. So he did the next best thing; he kissed him. Justin poured everything he was feeling into the kiss. He wanted to match the openness he’d seen in Brian’s face and make Brian understand that he supported him.

After a few minutes, Brian pulled away. “What the fuck have I done?”

“Sacrificed everything so we won’t lose the rights and protections we are entitled to. I imagine it was primarily the right to fuck in public that you were concerned about.” Justin kept his tone light.

“When I’m homeless, we’d better be able to fuck in public, or Daphne had better buy some high quality earplugs.”

“I’m sure Michael’s room is still available,” Justin laughed when Brian groaned and covered his face. “Seriously Brian, it won’t come to that. You’ll figure something out.”

“What if he wins?” Brian’s voice was muffled by his hands.

“Unless you’re on probation for something I’m not aware of, there is no law keeping us in Pittsburgh. We’ll find someplace where our genius will be properly appreciated.”

“We?” Brian dropped his hands and raised an eyebrow at Justin.

“Yes, we. As the aforementioned asshole, I feel a moral obligation to make sure you find your way back to the lifestyle to which we have both become accustomed. I’m not going anywhere unless it’s with you.”

If the smile on Brian’s face was any indication, that was what he needed to hear. If they kept talking, Justin knew one of them would say something stupid so he kissed Brian again. This time Brian made no attempt to pull away.

Justin stripped quickly, kicking off his shoes and throwing his clothes on the floor. But he took his time undressing Brian. He undid Brian’s shirt one button at a time making sure to kiss or caress each piece of newly exposed skin. Justin eased the shirt off slowly while licking a path along the inside of Brian’s arms and sucking lightly on the pulse of each wrist before sliding the sleeve off completely.

Brian undid his own jeans when Justin turned to throw the shirt aside. His expression challenged Justin to object, but Justin only smiled. He pulled Brian’s jeans down just past his hips not at all surprised to see Brian wasn’t wearing anything else. Justin rested his head between Brian’s hip and groin and ran his hands through Brian’s pubic hair. He blew a stream of air in the general direction of Brian’s cock enjoying the feel of Brian shifting restlessly beneath him. After a few more minutes of teasing, Justin moved to settle between Brian’s legs. His earlier attentions had left Brian mostly hard. Justin grasped his cock carefully not moving his hand at all, just holding it. He licked around the head before blowing more air directly on the tip of Brian’s cock. He smiled when he felt it jump in his hand.

Wanting more contact, Justin pushed Brian’s jeans down to his knees. He moved his hand down to caress Brian’s balls while taking most of Brian’s cock into his mouth. He sucked and licked lightly wanting to keep Brian a little on edge. It worked better than expected. Before long Brian nudged Justin’s shoulder to get him to move. Brian quickly kicked off his jeans and flipped Justin onto his back.

Justin moved back up on the bed while Brian gathered the necessary supplies. By the time Brian turned back to Justin, he was on his back with his legs spread up and open. Justin watched Brian’s eyes darken with desire when he saw the unmistakable invitation. Brian leaned down to kiss him. Just as their mouths met, Justin felt a slick finger pressing at his hole. Shifting slightly Justin let Brian’s finger slip inside him as he opened his mouth to Brian’s tongue. They kissed as Brian stroked one, two, then three fingers inside Justin’s body. They kissed as he stretched Justin with pleasure and persistence, as he opened Justin up just so he could fill him.

They never broke the kiss although it flowed and changed as if it were a dynamic thing on its own. It began with tongues searching each other out, with deep explorations and a desire to get as close as possible. There were teasing licks and gentle bites to each other's lips and silent laughter when other pleasures led to poor aim and kisses hit chins instead of lips. When Brian pushed his cock into Justin’s body, Justin pressed his mouth hard against Brian’s wanting to feel him everywhere. And as their focus became the joining of their bodies, the glide of Brian’s hand on Justin’s cock, the feel of Brian’s cock moving inside of Justin, hitting his prostate again and again while bring them closer to release, the kiss became simply another point of contact. The barest touch of lips together, the mingling of breath.

Justin lay spent while Brian went into the bathroom to clean up. Grabbing the nearest piece of clothing, Justin made a half-hearted effort to clean himself off. He hoped it was his clothing, but didn’t really care. When Brian came back to bed and smiled at him, Justin knew Brian understood everything he had wanted to say. They kissed once more, and Justin let the feel of Brian playing with his hair lull him to sleep.


 

*****************************


 

Brian knew Justin was pretending to be asleep. He’d been pretending a lot. Pink Posse activities had ended abruptly a week ago, but Justin’s nightmares were the worst they’d been in a long time. Justin didn’t offer an explanation for either change, and Brian hadn’t asked. He pulled Justin closer and closed his eyes deciding again to let it go. He was almost asleep when Justin spoke.

“I didn’t really want to kill him.”

“I know.” But Brian didn’t know. He couldn’t even bring himself to think about the implications of that statement.

“I just wanted to scare him, to stop feeling like his victim. But then I had him at my mercy, and I thought maybe if he was gone, it would have never happened. Stupid, huh,” Justin laughed bitterly.

“Justin,” Brian sighed his name. There was nothing he could say to that.

“It’s not wrong to want that. Why shouldn’t I want to be able to draw the way I used to or to not be afraid all the time?”

“It’s not wrong.”

“I just want to have that night back. To remember what it was like dancing with you in front of everyone, to remember how I felt.” Justin’s voice trailed off to a whisper.

Brian tried to run his hand through Justin’s hair, but there wasn’t any there so he rubbed his back instead. “I’d give it back to you if I could. You know that.”

“I know, but you shouldn’t have to. It wasn’t his to take. He changed everything about my life, and I can’t forget that.”

“What he did to you was unforgivable. No one deserves that, especially not you.” Brian searched for the right words, the ones he’d never been able to find. “But with everything he took from you, you survived. He didn’t win.”

“Is that enough?”

“Are you unhappy? I mean you’re right; everything changed. Your art is different, but it’s still yours. You have Rage. With everything you had to go through, everything you had to fight for, maybe you appreciate it more.”

“So I’m supposed to be fucking thankful because being almost killed has made me stronger.”

“No that’s not what I’m saying,” Brian blew out a frustrated breath. This is why he hated talking. “All I’m saying is that there are a lot of good things in your life the way it is now. Don’t let him take those away from you too.”

“What about us?”

“I’d like to think the amazing sex we have is one of the good things in your life.” Brian turned a little so he could see Justin’s face. “Would things between us be different? Of course they would, but that doesn’t mean they would be better.” Brian held a finger against Justin’s lips to stop him from protesting. “I’m not just saying that. We would have left the prom and met back here or at Babylon. We would have danced and fucked, and it would have been a wonderful night.”

The open longing on Justin’s face was almost too much for Brian. “But I would have woken up the next morning and panicked. It would have been too much; you know that. I would have pushed you as far away as I could, and I would have hurt you to do it.”

“I would have come back,” Justin said with a hint of a smile.

“Maybe,” Brian answered as honestly as he could. “But maybe neither one of us would have cared enough to keep fighting. I don’t know what would have happened. But I do know that I am happy with what we have now, and I think you are too.”

“Partners.”

“Partners,” Brian agreed. He smiled when Justin yawned and shifted around until his head was resting on Brian’s chest. He kissed the top of Justin’s head and silently wished him sweet dreams.

*****************************


 

“Do you want to head back?”

“No.” Justin rolled so he was half on top of Brian holding him down. “Let’s stay a little longer.” Justin was afraid to leave. Afraid that if they left this house and went back to Pittsburgh whatever magic or insanity had brought them back together again would vanish.

“I’m not going to change my mind.”

“Stop that.”

“Stop what?” Brian asked smiling. He tilted his head down and kissed Justin.

Justin ended the kiss reluctantly. “Stop acting like this makes sense, like the idea of getting married doesn’t give you hives.”

“This is what I want.”

Brian sounded so sure that Justin wanted to believe him, but how could he? He seized on the first argument he could think of. “I’m not a prince.”

“I know,” Brian ran one finger along the side of Justin’s face, down his neck until he stopped to circle a nipple.

Justin willed himself not to react, “I’m serious.”

“So am I,” Brian answered dropping his hand. “That was a metaphor, Justin, nothing more. I know who you are. I don’t expect you to be anything more than the man I love, my husband.”

Justin’s heart leapt hearing those words. “If we do this,”

“You already agreed. There’s no turning back now.”

“If we do this,” Justin continued as if Brian hadn’t interrupted. “It can’t be because you’re scared or because of some fucked up bargain you made in your head to keep me safe. I won’t be a concession.”

“And you were worried about me having second thoughts.” Brian rolled his eyes. “This is what I want,” Brian repeated. “Justin, look at me. You have to trust me when I say I want this. I love you, and I want to marry you. Is that what you want?”

Justin looked at Brian whose expression was as open as he’d ever seen it. He saw happiness, contentment, and the love Brian was no longer trying to hide. He took a deep breath, “Yes, I want to marry you.”

“So can we go home and fuck somewhere with furniture and running water?”

“Yes,” Justin said again knowing Brian understood everything he was agreeing to.


 

*****************************

 

Brian collapsed on the bed next to Justin. They were both still damp from the shower and relaxed from the blow jobs they shared. Justin looked up when water from Brian’s hair hit his chest. He handed Brian a joint he’d already lit.

Brian raised an eyebrow, but accepted the joint. He took a few hits before handing it back to Justin. “A celebratory joint? Excellent idea.”

“I knew you loved me for my mind,” Justin snorted. “It’s from Hunter. He has good connections.”

“The young ones always do,” Brian agreed seriously or as seriously as he could manage.

Silence settled between them as they finished the joint. Brian turned on his side so he was facing Justin.

“So,” Justin said, a goofy smile lighting up his face.

“So.” Brian knew his answering smile was too bright to blame on a shared joint, but he didn’t care.

Justin held his hand out into the air and wiggled his fingers. “It’s very pretty in the light.”

“So are you,” Brian answered grabbing Justin’s hand and turning it so he could watch the light hit his ring.

“Maybe you don’t love me for my mind.” Justin pretended to frown.

“Maybe I just love you.” Brian kissed him like he had earlier that night. It was a slow kiss. Brian took his time teasing Justin’s lips open then thoroughly explored his mouth with his tongue. They kept their eyes open, and Brian swore he heard echoes of the earlier applause.

“Nobody thought we’d do it,” Justin said as he settled into Brian’s arms.

“Cancel one wedding and you get a reputation,” Brian sighed, pretending to be offended. Whatever reservations they may have had, everyone that mattered had been there. “Although with all the money I saw people handing Debbie and Ben, they must have had faith.”

“Romantics,” Justin laughed.

“So was it worth the wait?”

Justin’s smile took his breath away. “It was the best night of my life.”

Brian couldn’t stop the flash of memory. Another tuxedo, another time, another ending. They finally had their later, and it was worth every thing they had gone through to hear Justin say that again, to see that he meant it. There was only one thing Brian could say. Justin wouldn’t completely understand, but Brian did and that was enough. “Even if it was ridiculously romantic?”

“Even then,” Justin tilted his head up to kiss Brian.

“Mine too,” Brian whispered just before their lips met.

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