Suffering From Soul Fatigue

NOVEMBER 29

Justin couldn't have been more surprised when he opened the door and found Michael on the other side. He didn't even bother trying to hide his shock, "What are you doing here?"

Clearly agitated, Michael brushed past him and entered the small apartment. "When was the last time you saw Brian?"

"Michael, you are not starting that again." One of the first times Brian and Justin had seen each other at the diner, Michael had pulled Justin aside and warned him to stay away from Brian. Secretly, Justin had found it rather amusing. If he and Brian wanted to see each other, there was nothing Michael could do about it.

"I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but I really need to know."

Justin had to think a few minutes before answering. After the Rage party, he'd decided to separate his life from Brian's as much as possible. He still saw Debbie and Vic, and occasionally he ran into Lindsay at some art event, but that was it. Justin could count on one hand the number of times he and Brian had run into each other. Other than hellos and polite inquiries into each other's well-being, they hadn't spoken in almost nine months. "I'm not sure Michael; it's been at least a month maybe longer. Why?"

"I wondered if you'd noticed anything different about him. That's all." By this time Michael had made his way into the small living room where he was nervously looking around.

"What's going on? You don't want me anywhere near Brian so don't expect me to believe you suddenly care what I think about him. If this is your twisted way of telling me he's with someone, I don't care."

"No, he's not with someone else. I don't know how to say this; it's just there's something wrong"

Justin immediately felt panic taking over, he didn't give Michael a chance to finish his sentence. "What do you mean there's something wrong? Has Brian been hurt; did something happen at work, is something wrong with Gus?" Justin felt his world collapsing as he mentally ran through a longer list of worst case scenarios.

"No, it's nothing like that. He's just not the same."

Justin could tell Michael was having a hard time opening up to him, but he was rapidly losing patience, "Michael, you are going to have to do better than that." Or I'm going to kill you, he silently added.

"It's like he's not himself. He still goes out with us, but he doesn't seem interested."

"I don't think losing interest in Babylon is a reason to worry. Maybe he wants something different." Justin wondered if Brian was ready to grow up, and Michael was feeling left behind.

"It's more than that. He's like that with everything-work, Gus. It's like he's just going through the motions. You know how Brian is. Normally if something's wrong he goes into hyper mode, but this is just the opposite. He's starting to shut down."

Even though Justin thought Michael was overreacting, he could tell he was really worried. "Even if this is true, why are you telling me?"

"I've tried talking to him. Mom and Lindsay have tried talking to him. He just blows us off. Says nothings wrong and we need to mind our own business. As much as I hate to admit it, Brian was always different with you. He was more open around you, and you seemed to understand him. I thought maybe you might have figured out what was going on."

Justin shook his head. If he'd understood Brian at all, he'd still be with him. "I'm sorry I can't help you Michael. But like I said I haven't seen Brian in a long time, and I'm the last person he'd open up to."

"I'm at a loss here, Justin. Can't you think of anything?"

Great, now Michael was giving him the puppy dog look Brian always gave into. "I certainly can't say anything without seeing Brian. I'm working an extra shift at the diner tomorrow morning. Bring him in for breakfast since he won't expect to see me. I'll try and talk to him, but no promises."

"Thanks, Justin," Michael gave him a small smile as he left.

Justin sat back down and tried to figure out what he had just agreed to. Reinvolving himself in Brian's life was not a good idea. Not after how hard he worked at starting over. Although, not as most people thought with Ethan. After less than a week, Justin realized whatever feelings he thought he had for Ethan weren't real. They'd just been an escape from his crumbling relationship with Brian. But he hadn't looked back. After a few tense months of living with his mother, they had both agreed it would be best if he found a place of his own. He discovered new bars and clubs to hang out at. He dated. Justin had a whole new life; one that did not include Brian.

Of course, it wasn't quite that easy. While Justin dated frequently, it was never more than a good time and a quick fuck. He hadn't been able to muster up any emotional interest in anyone. Although he rarely let himself think about Brian, he couldn't completely ignore the ache in his heart. Or the fact that his breath caught in his chest the few times he had seen Brian. So if he was honest, it wasn't surprising that he agreed to help. Most likely Michael was imagining things, but Justin couldn't take the chance. If there was something wrong with Brian, if he could help and didn't; he would never forgive himself.

Well if he was going to do this, he needed a plan. The first step would be to gather information. He could start that tonight with Debbie. He had agreed to a day after Thanksgiving feast to make up for skipping yesterday's dinner. Justin thought it would be too awkward if he came, but Debbie had been disappointed. Although, it couldn't have been more awkward than spending Thanksgiving with his mother's family. His mother had been thrilled that he showed up, but no one else knew what to say to him. Between being openly gay and then being bashed, he was regarded as some kind of freak by his family. Hopefully Christmas would be better.

Justin waited until after dinner to try and work Brian into the conversation. "So, did Gus have a good time yesterday?"

"Good question. But since the asshole refused to bring him, I can't answer it."

Shit, Brian was really in trouble now. Debbie had been looking forward to seeing Gus all week. "I thought Brian was bringing him?"

"He was supposed to, but he showed up without him. No explanation, of course. If I wasn't so worried about him, I would have killed him on the spot," Debbie huffed.

"Is something wrong with Brian?" Justin tried to seem only casually interested. He caught the warning glare Vic sent Debbie, but she answered anyway.

"Something's going on that's for sure. He seems lost. Never thought I'd use that word to describe Brian, but it seems to fit. He barely even bothered to insult Ted. I wish I could figure out what's bothering him," Debbie shook her head as if to clear it before continuing. "Enough about Brian. How was your holiday, Sunshine?"

Justin allowed the change of subject, but he was really starting to worry. Maybe Michael wasn't exaggerating.

NOVEMBER 30

Justin watched the door nervously for the first few hours of his shift until finally Michael and Brian walked in. He snuck a quick glance at Brian and saw no immediate cause for concern. He looked a little tired, but otherwise was his normal gorgeous self. He waited until they had been seated for a few minutes before heading to their table coffee pot in hand. "Good morning, gentlemen. Coffee?" Michael smiled and answered, but Brian only pushed his cup in Justin's direction. "I'll be back to take your order if a few minutes."

Justin took care of his other customers while keeping an eye on Brian's table. Michael seemed to be doing all the talking while Brian pretended to listen. But that wasn't all that unusual. He pasted a bright smile on his face as he made his way back over to them. "So what can I get for you this morning? Two of our special turkey omelets?"

Brian looked at Justin for the first time, "You have got to be kidding. Even this place wouldn't stoop so low. Just bring me a whole wheat bagel no butter."

Justin would have been thrilled with Brian's sarcastic reply if he hadn't looked at his eyes. There was an emptiness there Justin had never seen before. Michael was right; something was very wrong. He quickly took Michael's order and left the table to regroup.

"Here you go. Enjoy and let me know if you need anything," Justin smiled again as he set their plates down in front of them.

"Why the fuck are you so damn cheerful?" Brian asked.

"Just trying to get into the holiday spirit."

Brian snorted, "More likely angling for a big tip. Go bother your other costumers."

Justin started to laugh, but then he saw by the look on Brian's face that he was serious. Not sure what to make of the comment, he walked away and kept his distance until they left. Michael shot him a worried look on the way out. Justin was even more confused when he saw the fifty dollar bill Brian left for him on the table. If he was going to figure out what was wrong, he was going to need more help. Lindsay should be at the GLC tomorrow; Justin would make sure he ran into her.

DECEMBER 1

"Lindsay, hi. How are you?" Justin asked when he found her.

"Justin, how nice to see you honey. What are you doing here?" Lindsay gave him a quick hug.

"I needed to drop some things off for the Christmas auction."

"Can you believe it's December already? Between Hanukkah and Christmas, I don't know if I'm coming or going."

"Debbie said Gus didn't make it for Thanksgiving. He's not sick, is he?"

"No, Brian was supposed to pick him up, but he canceled at the last minute. We ended up taking him to my parents. You can just imagine how much fun he had there."

Justin laughed, "If they're anything like my family, I'm sure he would have been better off at Debbie's."

"We all would have been. I just don't know what to do about Brian. Maybe Mel is right."

"What do you mean?" Justin was getting good at making his interest seem casual.

"I can't remember the last time he came to see Gus. He's always willing to contribute financially in fact he sent extra money for the holidays. But beyond that, he doesn't seem interested anymore. Maybe I was pushing for more of an emotional commitment than he's ready for. I'm sorry Justin. I don't know why I'm telling you all of this. I've got to run, but don't be a stranger."

"I won't. Say hi to Melanie and give Gus a kiss for me." Justin watched her leave. The feeling of unease he had about Brian was continuing to grow.

DECEMBER 2

Justin woke up early in order to continue his investigation. He breathed a sigh of relief when his first telephone call was answered. "Cynthia, hello. It's Justin. How are you."

"Justin? Oh my God, it's so nice to hear from you again. I'm sorry, but Brian's not here yet," she sounded both surprised and pleased.

"I know, but I didn't want to talk to him. I'm calling for you."

"Don't tell me it's my lucky day and you've decided to give women a try."

"No," Justin laughed. "I wanted to know if anything strange was going on at work."

"I take it Michael's been talking to you?"

"I guess I wasn't his first choice for information."

"Well, I wasn't much help to him. Unfortunately, there's not much I can tell you. Everything is fine here. Brian is still great with the clients. Vance has even backed off a little."

"So his mood has nothing to do with work?" Justin had hope business was all that was bothering Brian even though he knew better.

"No, like I said business is great. But something is wrong. He seems really down which isn't like Brian. Of course he won't tell me anything. Every time I ask, he tells me to go away. But he doesn't actually yell at me which makes me worry even more. I would have thought if you two were seeing each other again, he'd be in a better mood."

"We're not so don't tell him I called. Thanks, Cynthia. Hopefully things will improve soon."

Justin waited until after his first class to call the comic book store. "Michael, it's Justin."

"It's about time you called. So what do you think?"

"You're right, Brian is definitely upset about something. I have no idea what it is."

"So what are you going to do?"

"I'm not going to do anything. You know as well as I do Brian wouldn't appreciate me interfering. But you can do something. You are his best friend." Lord knows you told anyone who would listen often enough, Justin thought to himself. "But don't push him, you know how Brian hates that. Just keep an eye on him. Maybe spend a little extra time with him. He may tell you what's bothering him eventually. Just be there for him. Sorry I couldn't be more help."

"That's OK. I don't know what I was expecting."

"Can you tell me one quick thing? When did you notice there was something wrong?"

"I think it was around the middle of October. I have a customer so I have to go. Thanks for trying."

"Sure," Justin answered before hanging up. That should keep Michael off his back. Once he figured out what to do, the last thing he needed was Michael hovering and offering advice. Now he just needed to figure out what could have happened in October. He couldn't forget the look in Brian's eyes. The only time he's seen anything close to it was when his father was dying and after his mother found out he was gay. Fuck! His mother's birthday was in October. Well, it looked like he had one more stop to make today.

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"Mrs. Kinney?" Justin asked the slight, grey-haired women who answered the door.

"Yes, can I help you?"

"I'm Justin Taylor"

Before he could say anymore, he watched a look of horror come over her face, "I know you. You're the one who's living with my son."

"I'm not living with Brian. He was just helping me out after I had some problems. We were friends, but we don't see each other anymore," he awkwardly tried to explain. "May I come in?"

"Of course, where are my manners." She led him into a room she called the parlor. "Now what can I do for you?"

"I know Brian came to see you on your birthday. I was wondering if something happened."

He saw her stiffen before she answered, "What do you mean?"

Justin realized she was getting defensive. He would have to try another approach. "Since then he's seemed contemplative. I think he's considering making some changes in his life, and I wondered if you said anything to him."

"I most certainly did. I told him the same thing I told him after I found out about his lifestyle. He needs to stop rejecting God and start living his life the way the Bible tells us to. Until then his life will be empty and meaningless. He will have no one is his life he can count on, and no one will be able to count on him. A life of sin isolates him from everyone. Look at how he drove his family away. His father only saw him when he needed money. He and I rarely speak. He has allowed himself to become completely unlovable."

Justin couldn't believe the moral certainty he heard in her voice. As much he wanted to lash out at her, this wasn't the time. "Did you share all of this with Brian?"

"I had to. I reminded him that his only salvation was through God. I hope he took my words to heart."

"I'm sure he did. Thank you for your time, Mrs. Kinney." Justin had to get out of there before he said something he'd regret. He was beginning to understand why Brian never talked about his family.

Well, now Justin knew what was wrong with Brian. He was looking at his life through his mother's eyes. Although Brian would never admit it, Justin knew he wanted his family's approval. For some reason, he was allowing his mother's judgmental attitude to affect him. If you looked at Brian's life on the surface, Justin could see how it would look shallow. But Brian should know better than that. He should realize how many people depended on him and cared about him. But then again, he could have gotten hung up on the remark she made about his father only wanting his money. That might explain what was going on with Gus and why he left such a big tip. Justin was as guilty as anyone in this area. He had received a letter over the summer from Brian's attorney reminding him of their arrangement regarding Justin's tuition. It had said that if Justin attempted to break the contract Brian would pursue legal options. Justin had signed the necessary paperwork without ever contacting Brian. At the time, he'd been hurt that Brian chose to handle it that way, but he should have at least called to thank him. Well, Justin was going to have to remind Brian of how many good things he did have in his life. He just needed to find a way to do it without giving himself away.

DECEMBER 5

Brian walked back to his office after another boring meeting. Cynthia smiled at him as he approached.

"So how did it go?"

Brian's only response was to throw the signed contracts on her desk before entering his office and shutting the door. He needed to block out the annoyingly happy Christmas music she was listening to. God, he was tired of this. He was tired of fucking everything. And all this Christmas bullshit was making it worse. Just what he needed, more reminders of how fucking empty his life was. Not that he should be complaining; it's what he wanted after all. Brian closed his eyes for a second and tried to focus on something less depressing.

When he opened them, he noticed for the first time a small wrapped package on the corner of his desk. Figuring it was from some client, he reached to open it so he could have Cynthia send an appropriate thank you note. Once he opened it, all he found was a plain white box. Inside, however, were an assortment of green and red condoms and a small card. The card read: "It's time to spread some holiday cheer. Just remember to always be safe." Santa

Brian laughed for the first time in weeks. He went out to thank Cynthia for the gift. "Very cute, Cynthia," he said with a smile.

She looked up from her work, "What are you talking about?"

"The present," Brian held the box up.

"Oh, that's not from me. It was dropped off by a courier while you were in your meeting. So what was it?"

"Never mind," Brian went back to his office, amused but slightly puzzled.

DECEMBER 7

Brian walked up the stairs to his loft after spending the morning at the gym. Usually working out relaxed him, but today he was more tense then when he left. He knew what the problem was. Spending time with the boys was becoming more and more irritating. Brian was finding it harder to play the role they all expected of him. He had the uncaring, sarcastic, sex machine image down pat, but it was wearing a little thin. But anytime he tried to be more than that, they reacted with suspicion and disbelief. To be fair, Michael did realize something was wrong, but he was completely clueless as to what it could be. His main concern seemed to be that Brian wasn't having enough fun. Christ, as Debbie once pointed out, hadn't they had enough fun. Was it so hard to believe he wanted more than a string of nameless fucks in the backroom? Considering how much time and effort he had put into establishing his reputation, the answer was yes. Even Brian didn't believe he could have more. He tried it once and look what happened.

When Brian reached his door, he saw a present sitting in front of it. It was wrapped in the same paper as the condoms had been. Maybe he'd get a new dildo this time, he wondered. He sat down on the couch to open it and found another plain box. This one contained an eight inch carving of a man holding a small boy's hand. The card read:

"If Gus could, he would thank you for all you have done for him. He is very lucky to have three parents. You made sure he would grow up in a home filled with love. Remember that a child can never have too much love." Santa

Brian sat there for a long time tracing his fingers over the figurine. Sometimes he did question his place in Gus's life. Melanie and Lindsay were raising him. What did they need him for? He wasn't sure he would be more to Gus than a sperm donor and a checkbook. But he did love him. Brian gently set the carving down and reached for the phone. He decided to call Lindsay and see if he could spend some time with Gus this afternoon.

DECEMBER 10

Brian returned from lunch to find another present on his desk. He was puzzled to find an ABBA CD until he looked at the track listing. It included the song he had danced to with Justin at Pride. He was almost afraid to open the card.

"You are capable of acts of great kindness and healing. Don't forget the power of a touch." Santa

Brian tried never to think about those days when Justin came to live with him after the bashing. He tried to forget his fear that Justin would never truly recover and ignore the fact that he knew he never would. Pride had been a good day though. He had started to believe that Justin was finally getting stronger. When they danced, it felt so good to hold him like that. Justin told him once that when Brian touched him he felt safe. Brian sighed and put the CD in a drawer before reaching for his messages.

DECEMBER 13

Babylon was busy; apparently no one had been frightened off by Friday the 13th superstitions. Brian turned back toward Emmett and Ted, "I'm going to get a drink. You guys want anything?" After they both shook their heads, Brian made his way over to the bar. While he was waiting for his drink, the other bartender signaled for his attention.

"Hey Kinney, someone left this for you today," he shook his head and handed Brian a package wrapped in what he now thought of as Santa paper. "This has got to be a first. Tricks leaving you Christmas presents."

Brian quickly finished his drink and headed back to his jeep to open the gift. Maybe he'd head out early. No one had caught his attention so far. He knew Mikey would be pissed that he didn't wait for him, but he was getting pretty bored. He unwrapped the package and pulled out a sexy black shirt that was perfect for Babylon. He couldn't help but laugh when he read the card: "Clothes don't make the man, but good packaging never hurt." Santa

Brian smiled and decided to head back into the club. Maybe things were starting to look up.

DECEMBER 16

Brian returned from work to find another present waiting for him. He would never admit it, but he was starting to look forward to these packages. He refused to analyze his anticipation or the improved mood he'd been in. Today's box contained a Rage action figure. Brian knew a few prototypes had been made because Michael had shown them to him. But since Michael refused to work with Justin, Rage became a one hit wonder, and nothing ever came of the marketing items.

"Michael may never realize it, but you pushing him into David's arms was the best thing you could have done for him. It helped him let go of you a little and mature. That is what gave him the strength to pursue his relationship with Ben. You will always be his superhero" Santa

"Jesus," Brian muttered. The gifts were really starting to get to him. Santa seemed to know him way too well. As annoying and dense as Mikey could be, he did try to always be there for Brian. And Brian hadn't been making it easy on him lately. Maybe the next time Michael asked him to do something, he'd actually say yes.

DECEMBER 18

"So when are you going to tell me who your secret admirer is?" Cynthia asked him as soon as he walked in.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," Brian tried to sound uninterested, but he couldn't stop the smile that spread over his face.

"Well that present on your desk came from someone."

Brian didn't answer, but he made sure to shut his office door. He studied the package for a few minutes before opening it. He was surprised to find a PIFA alumni magazine. Noticing a page was marked, he turned to it. There he found a write-up on the fall show that mentioned Justin as one of the featured artists. The card was clipped to the page.

"Giving Justin his art back is a gift that will never be forgotten. Your faith in him helped him to believe in himself." Santa

Brian remembered the show. Debbie had told him about it, and he had wanted to go. He would have loved to see how Justin's work was progressing, but he knew it wouldn't be a good idea. He had blown things so badly with Justin; he had hurt him so much and so often. He couldn't be part of Justin's life expect from a distance. He could make sure he had a chance at the future he wanted, but Brian had to hope that other people would step in to take care of Justin. He read the card again. It was hard for him to think of the time he spent with Justin as anything but negative, but maybe something good had come of it.

DECEMBER 20

Brian had one bitch of a day. The last few days before holidays were always bad, but today had been ridiculous. He had a horrible headache and wanted nothing more than to have a drink and forget the day had ever happened. He unconsciously relaxed a bit when he saw the package outside his door. When he picked it up, he noticed a small note taped to the outside telling him not to open it before seven. He knew that wouldn't be a problem since it had to be close to nine.

Once he entered the loft, he threw his coat on the couch and opened the present. Inside were two of his favorite gourmet cookies and a card that simply said:

"Live a little." Santa

Brian laughed and decided to do just that. Once he was seated at the counter with a glass of milk, he couldn't help but wonder where the gifts were coming from. He'd already eliminated most of the obvious choices. It was way too subtle for Debbie. He considered Lindsay and Michael, but there were problems with both of them. Lindsay didn't have the sense of humor for some of the gifts. And Michael never would have been able to go this long without giving himself away. The biggest problem was that he couldn't think of a single person who could have come up with all the gifts. He never let anyone get that close. His friends were allowed to know different parts of him, but no one got the whole picture. There was one person he thought of, but he quickly dismissed the idea as being impossible. He decided he had no choice but to let it remain a mystery. He would simply enjoy the gifts and the rare moments of contentment that came with them.

DECEMBER 21

Justin hated to do this, but he had no other choice. He had one more planned gift for Brian, but he wanted to do something special for Christmas Eve. He hadn't seen Brian since the morning at the diner so he had no way of knowing if the presents were helping. He could only hope he'd come up with the right plan. Now if he wanted to pull off this last surprise, there was only one person who could help him. He shifted nervously while he waited for the door to open.

"Mrs. Kinney," he greeted Brian's mother again.

"You again."

"I'm sorry to bother you, but I need to ask you a few questions."

"Come in," she didn't look happy, but she once again led him to the parlor.

"I was wondering if you could tell me what Christmas was like when Brian was growing up."

"I imagine it was like everyone else's Christmas. Nothing different," she answered.

"Mrs. Kinney, I now that Brian's childhood was not a happy one. I know that Mr. Kinney was a difficult and sometimes violent man. You don't have to pretend with me," Justin knew he was running the risk of offending her, but he needed to know the truth.

"Young man, I don't see how that's any of your business."

"It's not except for your son. I'm trying surprise him for Christmas, and I need your help."

"I tried to focus on the meaning of Christmas, on the religious aspect. Jack worked hard to support us, but he could be harsh. He did not have patience for children or their dreams. If you and my son are no longer," she paused as if looking for the right word, "close, I don't understand why you need to know all this."

"Brian did a lot to help me this year, and I want to do something special to thank him. Can you remember what he wanted Christmas to be like or if you ever had a special Christmas?"

"It's been such a long time, but I may be able to help you. Wait here." She was gone for about fifteen minutes. When she returned, she handed Justin a bundle of papers. "Brian would never believe I still have these, but I kept the letters the children wrote to Santa Clause. Claire wrote for a long time, but I think Brian stopped when he was seven or eight. There may be something in these."

"Thank you so much," Justin gave her his brightest smile and prepared for a glimpse into Brian's childhood.

DECEMBER 22

Brian was about to leave the diner when Deb stopped him, "Hey Kiddo, I have a present for you."

He turned back, a bit puzzled, "Thanks Debbie, but I'll be at the house on Christmas."

"It's not from me. Someone dropped it off for you earlier."

Brian took the package wrapped in familiar paper and headed to the jeep. He opened it and pulled out a framed picture of the whole gang. He remembered when it had been taken. Debbie had a huge party for the Fourth of July. Not only had she insisted everyone attended, she conned them into letting Carl take a group picture. Brian had never seen the result until now. They were all smiling and looked happy to be together. He smiled and opened the card.

"Family is not about DNA. Never forget that you are loved." Santa

Brian pulled away from the diner, but instead of going back to the loft, he drove to the mall. He decided to do his own shopping this year instead of sending Cynthia for gift certificates.

DECEMBER 23

Justin walked into the comic book store and waited until Michael finished with a customer before approaching him. "Hey Michael, are you all ready for Christmas?"

"Mostly, what are you doing here?" he asked, clearly surprised.

"I wanted to see how Brian was doing."

"Great," Michael smiled, "I think I overreacted a bit. He never told me what was bothering him, but it must have worked itself out."

"I'm glad. Also, I need a favor. I realized I left some Christmas stuff my mom loaned me in storage at the loft. I need to get it back before Christmas. I was wondering if I could borrow your key and go over while Brian's at work tomorrow."

"I don't know."

"I really hate to bother Brian especially if he's doing better. This way he'll never even know I was there. I'll bring the key right back; I can slip it under the door if you're not open."

"I guess you have a point," Michael reluctantly handed over his key.

"Thanks, Michael. Just make sure Brian doesn't come home before two, and everything will work out." Justin smiled as he left the store. Michael was so easy to manipulate.

DECEMBER 24

Brian sighed in annoyance as the phone rang again. He had sent Cynthia home early and had no one to screen his calls. He glanced at the clock. Who would be calling after five on Christmas Eve? "Kinney."

"Brian, it's your mother."

"What do you want?" he asked not even bothering to disguise his irritation.

"I wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas and invite you to Midnight Mass. You can bring your friend if you like."

"Michael?" That was a new one. She'd never cared for Michael in the past.

"No, not the Novotney boy. Justin, the one who was at your loft."

"Mom, Justin and I aren't together anymore. Besides, I didn't think God approved of fags."

"Brian, don't be difficult. And Justin tells me the same thing about you two, but I don't believe him either. His eyes just light up when he talks about you."

"When did you talk to Justin?" Brian had no idea what was going on, but it couldn't be good.

"Oh dear," his mother sighed. "I shouldn't have said anything. I hope I didn't ruin his Christmas surprise. Well, if you change your mind about mass, you know where to find me."

Brian held on to the phone long after his mother hung up trying to process what she said. Justin had been talking to his mother. Justin was planning some kind of Christmas surprise. That meant? Fuck! That meant Justin was Santa. Brian had known for a while, but he couldn't bring himself to believe it. It made perfect sense yet there was no way it could be true. It had to be Justin, but it couldn't be. Why, after all this time? Suddenly, Brian needed to get home. He wanted to reread the cards to see if there was some clue he missed.

The wreath on his door was the first hint that his Christmas surprise had arrived. He walked into the loft and stood staring in shock. A large, beautifully decorated tree dominated the living room. Garland was draped across the edge of the counter. A stocking hung from one of the glass panels. Candles and more garland covered the tables. There was Christmas music playing quietly, and the whole loft smelled like pine. Brian never thought he'd see something like this in his home. It was more than he'd ever let himself imagine. He spotted an envelope propped up the counter. It instructed him to open his gifts before reading the card.

His stocking contained some small treats, a Babylon keychain, and a travel size grooming kit for his office. There were more packages stacked under the tree. They included a "Dirty Dancing" DVD, a gift set of his favorite hair care products, the new book from one of his favorite authors, and silk sheets. He hesitate a moment before finally reading the card.

"It's never too late to be happy. I'm sorry I couldn't grant all your wishes or fulfill all your dreams, but you can. Give yourself the life you deserve." Santa

It was all too much for him. Brian turned the lights off and laid on the couch. He stayed there for a long time watching the lights on the tree still holding the card in his hand. Finally he decided it was time to find his Santa and get some answers.

Brian knocked on the door and waited impatiently for Justin to answer.

"Brian?"

"Are you sure?"

Justin tilted his head and looked at him questionably, "Brian, are you drunk?"

"No, I'm not drunk. Now let me in." He waited until they were both seated on the couch before asking again. `Are you sure?"

"Am I sure about what? What are you talking about?"

"Are you sure it's not too late for me to be happy?" Brian asked quietly. He watched Justin try to hide his surprise before turning away. He reached his hand out and gently turned Justin's face back toward him. "Did you mean all those things that you wrote?"

"Brian, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Justin, don't. No one has ever done anything like that for me. Don't deny it." This was too important to Brian; there was no way he going to let Justin pretend it didn't happen.

Justin sighed, "How did you find out?"

"That's a long story that I'll tell you later. First I want to know why and how. And don't forget to explain how my mother was involved." Brian saw Justin wince when he mentioned his mother. He definitely hadn't plan on getting caught.

"I want you to understand that you were never supposed to know. This wasn't some plot to manipulate you or try and get you back."

Brian could sense Justin's nervousness. He reached for his hands to calm him and help him realize he wasn't upset. "I don't think that. Now stop stalling and tell me."

"Michael came to see me after Thanksgiving. He was worried about you and wanted to know if I knew what was going on. I though he was exaggerating until I saw you at the diner. Then I knew there was something wrong."

"How?" Brian asked.

"Your eyes. You said all the right things, but the look in your eyes was all wrong. I asked around, but no one seemed to know anything. Once I figured out everything started after your mother's birthday, I decided to go see her. She told me what she said to you. I just wanted to show you that she was wrong. I wanted you to stop letting her decide how you saw your life."

"That explains the how, but I still want to know why. And don't try to bullshit me; I want the truth." He knew Justin would try to downplay what he had done, but Brian needed to understand why he had gone to so much trouble.

"You've done so much for me, for everyone really. I wanted to remind you of that. You work so hard at maintaining your image; sometimes I think you even forget who you really are. You forget about all the wonderful things you do to make other people happy even at your own expense. You forget how much people depend on you and also how much they admire you. We don't tell you enough. Partly because you try to hide what you do, and partly because it makes you uncomfortable so you make it difficult. But those are poor excuses. Everyone needs to know how important they are. I wanted to find a way to remind you, and I wanted to make you smile." Justin looked away when he finished as if embarrassed by what he revealed.

Brian didn't know what do say; he was completely overwhelmed. What Justin had done for him was so far beyond anything he ever imagined, he didn't know where to begin. How do you thank someone for helping you see your life they way it really was instead of the way it looked from the outside? How do you tell someone they brought you more joy in the last few weeks than you've felt in you entire life? How do you let them know they make you feel things you didn't even know you were capable of? Brian had no idea so he did what he always did when words failed him. He pulled Justin to him and began to kiss him.

He was surprised when Justin pulled sharply away. He panicked for a moment and wondered if he'd read too much into what Justin had done. "What's wrong? Is there someone else?"

Justin laughed, "Since when do you worry about competition? No, there's no one else. But when I told you I never wanted you to know it was me, I meant it. I haven't been part of your life for a long time. I don't want you to feel obligated to me. I don't want anything to happen out of gratitude or some weird idea you might have about owing me. I just wanted you to be happy. I don't need anything from you."

"Justin look at me. I am happy because you made me happy. My biggest fear when we were together, the main reason I pushed you away was that you could never really love me. I thought you loved my image or some idea you had of me in your head. But I never thought you could love me if you knew the real me. You've shown me that you know me better than anyone, maybe even better than I know myself. And if your actions are any indication, you still care for me," he looked up and saw Justin's answering smile. "I can't tell you what that means to me. All I know is that I feel safe with you; I don't have to hide from you. I feel closer to you than I ever have to anyone. Let me show you how happy that makes me."

Justin's only response was to lead Brian into the bedroom. Once they were seated on the bed, he reached for Justin again. He wanted to memorize the feel of his lips; he wanted to relearn the taste to his mouth. He slowly undressed them both then leaned Justin back against the pillows. He finally left his mouth to run a line of kissed along his jaw up to his ear. He traced his tongue down Justin's neck, across his collarbones until he settled on one nipple. He licked and nibbled on one while rolling the other in his fingers. He felt Justin arch toward him and reach for him.

He looked up briefly, "No touching until I say so."

"But Brian."

"No, now stop interrupting me." Brian returned his attention to Justin's nipples. As much as he loved having Justin touch him, he wanted this to last longer than a few minutes. He worked his way down Justin's body until he reached his very hard cock. He teased it with gentle licks from his tongue loving the way it jumped in response to his touch. The he slowly slid it into his mouth. After just a few minutes of continued teasing with his tongue and lips, he felt Justin shoot down his throat. Brian rested his head on his stomach for a minute before turning his attention to his inner thighs.

He heard Justin start to speak. "Shh," he whispered between kisses, "just relax and enjoy." He rolled Justin over and nipped at his hip before heading for his destination. He gently parted Justin's cheeks and ran his tongue between them. When he reached his hole, he licked around it a few times before pushing his tongue inside. Justin gasped and pushed up toward him. He slid his hands underneath him and began to play with his nipples in the same rhythm his used with his tongue.

"Oh my God, Brian please," Justin pleaded with him.

Knowing this could easily push both of them over the edge, Brian reluctantly pulled away. In a reversal of his usual rimming technique, he moved up Justin's spine. Nuzzling his neck and ear for a while before turning Justin to face him. He kissed him deeply then asked, "Please tell me you have a condom in here."

Justin fumbled with the nightstand drawer before turning back to Brian. He handed him the lube, but held on to the condom. Brian closed his eyes when Justin slowly slipped the condom over his aching cock. He lingered for a few minutes and gently stroked Brian's balls before pulling his hands away. Brian kissed Justin one more time before carefully entering him.

It wasn't until he was all the way in that he realized he'd been holding his breath. He couldn't believe how good it felt to be inside Justin again. He had never felt anything like this before. He began to move loving the friction of Justin's tight heat against him. Justin reached for Brian. Running his hands through his hair, stoking his chest. Justin kissed him roughly trying to bring him even closer. He met him thrust for thrust until Brian was dizzy from the pleasure.

He never wanted it to end, but he saw the flush come over Justin's face and knew he was close. He reached down to stroke Justin's cock and quickly felt him begin to explode. Brian thrust deeper into Justin and kissed him as his own climax began. After a few moments, he reluctantly withdrew. He pulled Justin tightly toward him and buried his face in his neck. He couldn't imagine ever letting him go.

A few hours later, Justin turned toward him. "How did you know?" He asked quietly.

"I thought you were asleep?"

"No, just drifting. Now answer the question."

"It couldn't be anyone else unless there really is a Santa Claus. No one else knows all of the things you mentioned, and no one else would have gone to so much trouble. I stopped thinking about who it was a while ago because I couldn't believe you would do that for me. You were the only person it could be, but also the one person I couldn't let myself think of." Brian sighed; he knew he wasn't making much sense.

"I tried not to give myself away. If you didn't believe I would do it, why did you come here?"

"My mother gave you away. She called to invite me to mass, and she asked me to bring you. She said something about you wanting to surprise me. I couldn't deny it anymore after that. Then I saw the loft, and I had to come to you. It is so perfect. How did you know?"

"I'm sworn to secrecy. All I can tell you is your mom helped me. I'm glad you like it. I was afraid you might be mad."

Justin smiled at him, and Brian could help but smile back. "It's wonderful. I can never thank you enough."

Justin traced his fingers over Brian's lips, "This smile is thanks enough."

Brian pulled him closer and decided to find more interesting uses fro his mouth.

DECEMBER 25

Brian woke up and found Justin still asleep in his arms. He kissed him lightly. "Good morning."

Justin stretched and smiled, "Good morning.. Merry Christmas."

"Merry Christmas." Brian noticed the bright sunlight in the room, "What time is it?"

Justin turned away and then started scrambling out of the bed, "Fuck! It's after ten. I have to be at my mom's in less than an hour."

Brian got up and started to dress as he watched his panicked lover dart around the room. "What are you doing after that."

"Nothing."

"Come to the loft and then we'll go to Debbie's together."

All of Justin's movements stopped, "Are you sure?"

"I'm sure," he reassured him quietly. He grabbed him for a last kiss before pushing him away. "Go get ready. I'll let myself out."

It was after three before Brian heard a knock on the door. He opened it to find Justin carry two large grocery bags.

"My mom sent you leftovers," he said in way of explanation.

Brian took the bags from him and raised his eyebrow questioningly, "You mother sent me food?"

"Yeah, she asked me where I was going and I told her I was coming here. You don't mind do you?"

"Of course not, I just wouldn't think you'd want to ruin her Christmas that way," Brian joked. He was rewarded by seeing the sparkle come back to Justin's eyes.

"Shut up," Justin lightly slapped him on the arm. "She was glad; she likes seeing me happy."

Brian wrapped his arms around Justin's waist and held him there. "And I make you happy?"

"Very," Justin answered before kissing him.

"Good, now come with me." He led Justin to the couch and sat down next to him. "I didn't get a chance to get you anything for Christmas."

"Brian, I don't want anything," Justin interrupted.

He put a hand over Justin's lips, "No talking, just listen to me. I want to give you something, but this is as much for me as it is you." Brian took a deep breath; he couldn't afford to screw this up. "I want us to try again. Only really try this time. You gave me so much these last few weeks, but mostly you've shown me that love can bring happiness not just pain. I love you, Justin. I always have, but I was always afraid to let you know. I never wanted you to have that much power over me. I'm ready to trust you with my heart." He saw the tears come to Justin's eyes and rushed to caution him. "Now, don't expect miracles here. I'm still a selfish asshole. I'll still screw up all the time. I may never be good and telling you how I feel." He didn't get to say anymore as Justin launched himself into his arms.

Justin kissed him passionately, "Stop it, stop doubting yourself already." He ran his hand along Brian's face. "I never thought I'd hear you say that to me. Tell me one more time."

"I love you," Brian whispered in his ear.

"If you never tell me again, I'll always have this moment."

"How about if I at least tell you every Christmas?" Brian asked with a smile.

"Whenever you want. I love you Brian more than you'll ever know. I know you don't trust words, but listen to me." He kissed Brian again. "I love your mouth with all the funny little expressions you make. I love it when you really smile at me. I love all the wonderful things you do to me with your mouth, especially your tongue."

He placed gentle kisses on Brian's eyelids, "I love you eyes. When you let them they tell me everything I need to know about how you feel."

His mouth moved down Brian's neck. I love your neck," he whispered as he sucked on his pulse point. "I love feeling your blood pounding."

Brian watched mesmerized as Justin unbuttoned and removed his shirt. He ran his hands over every inch of Brian's chest. "I love you chest. It's so strong. I love to lay my head against it at night and listen to your heartbeat. I love your nipples. I love how hard they get when I play with them." Justin stopped talking and did just that.

Justin carefully removed the rest of Brian's clothing. Brian closed his eyes as Justin began to massage his thighs. "I love your legs. They're so strong, and I love to feel them wrapped around me." Brian sighed as Justin's mouth replaced his hands.

Brian's eyes flew open when Justin wrapped his hands around his erection. "I love your cock. The feel of it" He continued to stroke it. "The taste of it," Justin muttered before reaching for it with his tongue. He licked every inch of it and gently sucked the head into his mouth for a moment. "But mostly, I love to feel your cock deep inside of me." He gave the tip one more kiss.

Justin stepped off the couch and knelt on the floor. Brian allowed him to push him onto his side. Justin reigned kissed all over his back. "I love your back and shoulders. Such perfect lines to draw. I love to stand behind you and lean against you."

Justin moved his head so his mouth rested against Brian's ear. He traced the outside with his tongue before speaking. "I love your ass." Brian felt Justin run his hand along his crack. He began to suck on Brian's earlobe and gently teased one finger into his hole. Brian moaned and lean toward Justin's hand. "I love the pleasure you feel when you let me touch you there." He continued to play with Brian's ear in time to the movements of the finger carefully exploring him.

Finally Brian had enough. He pushed Justin's hand away and turned toward him. He smiled when he realized Justin was still dresses. "I want you naked. Now!" He growled. Justin quickly complied and Brian pulled him back onto the couch. He kissed Justin deeply and pushed their bodies against each other. He was pleased to feel Justin was as aroused as he was.

He positioned Justin underneath him and began an urgent but thorough exploration of his body. Before long they were both sweating and gasping for breath. "Brian, please," Justin pleaded.

That was all Brian needed to hear. He motioned for Justin to roll over while he got the lube and condom. He didn't waste any time preparing himself and entering Justin. He began rapid deep thrusts wanting to be as far inside Justin as possible. He reached a hand around to Justin's chest and tugged at his nipples as he continued to thrust into him.

"Oh my God, Brian. I love you so much," Justin gasped as he began to cum. As soon as Justin constricted around him, Brian felt his own release begin. They collapsed against the couch together not sure when they could move again.

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Brian found himself on the couch again late that night. This time Justin was asleep, his back pressed against Brian's chest. Brian lightly stroked his hair as he watched the lights on the Christmas tree. He couldn't ever remember a better Christmas, and he wasn't ready for it to end.

Things had gone well at Deb's. He knew Justin had been worried about what everyone would think. They had been shocked to see them together after so long. Brian figured they were mostly shocked to see how happy he was about it. Before Justin came in, he told them they were back together and gave them a stiff warning. He had told them Justin was responsible for helping him out of the mood he'd been in, and if anyone gave him a hard time, they wouldn't live to see New Year's. That led to a lot of questions Brian refused to answer. As far as he was concerned, Justin's time as Santa was something special and private between them. He couldn't imagine anyone else understanding. Mikey did figure out Justin lied to him about not doing anything. He'd come over later and thanked Justin for knowing how to help Brian. He was relieved Michael was going to be alright with this. As much as he loved him, he wouldn't put up with Michael trying to `protect' him from Justin.

Brian pulled Justin closer and closed his eyes. He didn't want to think anymore. He had everything he wanted right now, and he planned to enjoy it.

DECEMBER 31

"Brian, hurry up! People are going to be here any minute," Justin yelled in exasperation at the bathroom door.

"Will you fucking relax? I'll be there in a minute. I'd be ready now if someone hadn't distracted me in the shower."

Justin sighed and walked into the kitchen to make sure the food was set out properly. Brian had insisted on having a New Year's Eve party to show off Justin's Christmas decorations. They would be coming down this week before Justin went back to school, and Brian wanted everyone to see them. He promised Justin no dramatic gestures at this party, but Justin was still nervous.

Justin still couldn't believe he and Brian were back together. He had never been so happy. Brian was more relaxed this time, less worried about what everyone else would think. Even Michael seemed supportive. A part of him couldn't help but wonder if it would last past the holidays. Before he could dwell anymore about that, he felt Brian's arms wrap around him from behind.

"You're finally ready." Justin turned his head back for a kiss. When he turned back around, he noticed Brian holding a package wrapped in Christmas paper. "What's this?"

"Your belated Christmas present."

"Brian, I told you I didn't want..."

Brian gestured for him to be quiet, "I want to give to you. So shut up and open it."

Justin smiled brightly. He loved presents and gifts from Brian were rare. He quickly opened it and found a large padlock. Puzzled, he looked at Brian.

"It's for the door. It's time don't you think?" Brian asked looking a little unsure of himself.

Justin was speechless. He couldn't comprehend what Brian was trying to tell him. He kept looking back and forth between Brian and the lock.

Brian shifted nervously and spoke again, "I'm not promising complete monogamy. I'm not ready for that and may never be. But not here, not in our home, and not in front of each other." Brian took the box from Justin and placed on the counter. He stepped closer and looked at him intently, "I want you to come home. I don't want to spend another year without you."

"Damn, I love you," Justin whispered. Brian was offering him more than he ever hoped for. He moved into Brian's arms. They kissed and held each other close as they prepared to face the New Year together.

**Title and inspiration taken from the lovely Erasure song A Long Goodbye.

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