All’amor Mio T’affida

(Trust in my Love)

Notes: Title translates to “Trust in my love” as translated from Verdi’s Aida. Huge thanks are owed to shadownyc for doing an extremely last minute beta job for me. Any remaining mistakes are mine alone.  Written for flashfly.
 

He was on the double date from hell. Ted hadn’t wished so hard for a drink since the early days of his recovery, but no one should have to endure this sober. He watched Emmett flutter his eyelashes, and really that was a bit much even for Emmett, at Drew and sighed, loudly. Neither of them noticed. Blake squeezed his hand supportively and began making their excuses.

Halfway through Blake’s explanation Emmett cut him off with a wave of his hand. “Yes, yes early day for addicts everywhere. Thank you for coming. And Teddy, don’t worry about the check. Drew will get it, won’t you, Drew?” Emmett never once looked away from Drew.

“It was great to see you again, Ted, and nice to meet you, Blake.” Drew started to stand, but Emmett stopped him by pressing a hand to his thigh. And based on Drew’s quick intake of breath sliding it somewhere it really shouldn’t be in the middle of a crowded restaurant.

Ted hurried Blake out of the restaurant. By the time they reached the car, Blake was laughing. “Well that was certainly interesting.”

“I am so sorry,” Ted rushed to apologize.

“It’s not your fault, Ted, and some of it was pretty funny.”

“You wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for me. Even after all these years, I had no idea Emmett was so,” Ted paused searching for the right word. He finally settled on the only one that fit the situation, “insane.”

“Just think of it as a night we won’t forget anytime soon. Hey, why don’t you let me drive? There’s a game that should be letting out about now so traffic will be pretty bad, and I don’t think you need the extra stress.” Blake looked at Ted carefully, but smiled as he held his hand out.

Ted turned the keys over gratefully. “Thanks.” Blake was right, dealing with stop and go traffic would not improve his mood. Even before tonight’s disaster, Ted had been tense. Brian had recently signed three new clients which made Kinnetik busier than normal, but Brian was also preoccupied with Justin’s upcoming show so Ted was picking up some of his work as well.

Blake leaned over and gave Ted a light kiss before starting the car. The sounds of one of their favorite operas filled the car. “Just close your eyes and relax, Ted. I’ll let you know when we get home.”

Although Ted was tempted to argue, he knew Blake would need to concentrate on his driving. But the slow pace of their trip home left Ted with plenty of time to replay the evening in excruciating detail.

He should have just told Emmett no, but Ted had let his happiness that Emmett wanted Blake there override his good judgment. Emmett had been very supportive when Ted and Blake had gotten back together. He really did want Ted to be happy, but at heart Emmett wished it was with someone other than Blake. Emmett tried to hide it, but there was a part of him that still resented Blake. And Emmett, being Emmett, couldn’t help bristling whenever Blake was around, favoring him with smiling sarcastic remarks that left everyone feeling uncomfortable. Blake bore it with good humor, telling Ted he understood why Emmett saw him as a reminder of the darkest time in his friendship with Ted. Blake insisted it was natural that Emmett was still upset when, as he saw it, Blake had been able to help Ted when Emmett himself couldn’t. So Blake encouraged Ted to spend time with Emmett alone and steered clear of him at group gatherings.

When Emmett insisted he needed both Ted and Blake to come to dinner tonight, Ted had been hopeful. Emmett had called in a panic because Drew was back in town. Drew and Emmett had kept sporadic contact over the last few years, and the last Ted remembered Drew was doing commentary down South somewhere. Apparently the Ironmen had offered him a front office job, and he had called Emmett to say he was not only back in Pittsburgh, but ready to settle down. Fresh off another bitter breakup, Emmett had decided he wasn’t ready to face Drew alone. A double date with Ted and Blake had been his compromise with Drew.

The evening had started off badly and somehow continued to get worse. It was obvious when they arrived that Drew and Emmett had been fighting. Emmett had barely snapped out a hello before burying his face in his menu. This left Ted to greet Drew and introduce Blake. Not sure how to react to Emmett, they had also retreated behind their menus.

Drew tried to break the awkward silence with small talk once their order had been taken. “Emmett told me you’re still working with Brian, Ted. How is business?”

“We are busy as usual, but at least now Brian lets us work with our clothes on. That is still one of the most memorable days in Kinnetik history, and when you work with Brian that means something.” Everyone but Emmett had laughed.

“What do you do, Blake?”

“I’m a substance abuse counselor.”

“I’ve seen plenty of athletes ruin both their careers and lives with either steroids or illegal drugs. It must be difficult to deal with that every day.” Drew leaned forward and waited for Blake’s answer.

“It can be difficult,” Blake agreed. “We can’t help everyone. And when a patient fails despite their best intentions and our support, it can seem hopeless. But there is nothing like the feeling of helping someone get their life back. So most of the time it is very rewarding.”

Ted reached for Blake’s hand and gave it an affectionate squeeze. He was struck, as he often was, by Blake’s compassion and intelligence. Not everyone was strong enough to not only face their greatest weakness, but then use it to help others. Unfortunately, the conversation didn’t end there.

“I’ve never understood how people let themselves get so out of control.” Drew shook his head. “I mean I’m no saint. I drink and smoke a joint every now and then, but I’ve always known when to stop. It must take a special brand of stupid to end up addicted.”

Blake opened his mouth to reply, but then closed it again. He looked at Ted as though seeking advice. Ted shrugged his shoulders and contemplated banging his head on the table. The arrival of the salads was the only thing that stopped him. The waiter provided a brief distraction, but once he left, Emmett found his voice.

“Well Drew, Blake and Ted can tell you all about that ‘special brand of stupid’.” Emmett speared a piece of lettuce with his fork and held it up for examination. “Both of them are recovering addicts, and it took Blake, what was it, three tries to get clean? Mmm, this looks good.” Emmett popped the lettuce in his mouth and smiled sweetly at Drew.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t realize; I mean I didn’t know,” Drew blushed and fumbled through the apology.

Blake held up his hand and gave Drew a reassuring smile. “Its okay, Drew. Addiction is a very difficult thing to understand. Everyone has their own story. Some people start out looking for a thrill and get in over their heads; others are looking for an escape. Whatever the reason, it is something no addict is ever proud of.”

“Thank you for being so understanding.”  Drew gave Blake a small embarrassed smile in return. “I certainly admire how you and Ted have turned your lives around.”

“Thank you,” Ted jumped in, realizing he should have rescued Blake a long time ago. “Emmett has certainly made his admiration clear over the years.” Ted glared at his friend.

No one spoke much after that, and once the salad plates were cleared away, Drew excused himself to the restroom. “What the fuck is going on?” Ted hissed at Emmett.

“Drew is wasting my time. I told him to call me when he was twenty-one not when he was twenty and three quarters.” Emmett started out whispering but his voice rose.

Blake looked at Ted obviously confused. Ted held up a hand to keep Emmett from talking and offered Blake a quick explanation. “When Drew accepted he was gay, he wanted to be with Emmett, but he was also very interested in all the options that had opened up to him. Emmett told him it was like being seventeen again, and he should allow himself to explore and sow his wild oats etc. He told Drew to come back and see him when he was twenty-one. I have no idea why because, with the exception of Justin, I’ve never known a gay man who was ready for a relationship before thirty.” Blake nodded in understanding, and Ted turned back to Emmett. “Okay Emmett, continue, but keep it down for God’s sake.”

“The whole way here all Drew talked about was the men he has been with. Athletes, celebrities, fans are all apparently throwing themselves at his feet. How am I supposed to compete with that?” Emmett wailed.

“I don’t think you have to,” Blake replied surprising both Ted and Emmett. “Drew came back to see you, Emmett. That has to mean something. Maybe he was telling you about those other men to let you know that he did what you wanted, but now he’s ready for more.”

Ted smiled at Blake impressed with both his observation and his attempt to comfort Emmett, but Emmett ignored him.

“Oh Teddy, why do I always fall for men who break my heart?”

Even after all these years, this was still a sensitive topic between the two of them. Ted tried to choose his words carefully. “If Drew is still thinking about you after all this time, you must be pretty special to him. I think you should give him a chance.”

“I guess I could try,” Emmett sniffed dramatically. “But I’m not getting my hopes up.”

“Atta boy,” Ted said only slightly sarcastically.

Drew returned a few minutes later, and while Emmett stopped snapping at him, he was still unnaturally quiet. Drew and Blake’s attempts at small talk quickly failed. They were about halfway through their meals when another diner approached their table. “Are you Drew Boyd?”

“Yes, I am.” Drew stood and held out his hand expecting the man to be a fan.

“You should be ashamed of yourself. You and your kind,” he sneered at Emmett “don’t belong on a football field. You don’t belong anywhere but burning in hell. If I’d had a chance to play against you, I would have made sure they carried you off the field in a bag.”

“Sir, I know accepting the diversity...” that was as far as Drew got.

“I don’t have to accept anything. Fucking fairies!” With that the man stormed off.

Another awkward silence fell over the table as Drew sat back down. This time Emmett was the one to break it. “Well, the nerve of some people. How rude was that!”

“Don’t worry about it Emmett.” Drew focused on his food. “It happens quite a bit. I’m just sorry all of you had to be exposed to it.”

“That’s horrible. I had no idea it was so hard for you, Drew.” Emmett reached for Drew’s hand. “It must take such courage to face people like that everyday.”

“Your own strength and courage have always been an inspiration to me.”

Emmett blushed and ducked his head. “Oh Drew, you do say the sweetest things.”

From that moment on, Ted and Blake might as well have been invisible. Emmett spent the rest of the night fawning over Drew, who was alternately flustered and pleased by Emmett’s undivided and at times inappropriately physical attention. As they ate, Emmett moved his chair closer and closer to Drew’s until he was almost sitting in his lap.

Just as Ted was vowing to never go anywhere with Emmett again, Blake’s voice interrupted his thoughts. “Ted, we’re home.”

Ted opened his eyes and realized Blake had already parked the car; he couldn’t believe the entire drive had passed. He gave Blake a weak smile. “Sorry for being such bad company.”

“Like I said you needed the rest. Let’s go in.”

They walked silently to the condo they shared. Ted had asked Blake last year if he wanted Ted to sell it so they could pick out a place together. But Blake said he had never forgotten how proud Ted had been when he told him he owned the condo, and that he was happy there. Ted opened the door cautiously not wanting to let Lupe escape. She immediately wrapped herself around their legs purring happily.

“I’m going to check her food. Why don’t you sit down?” Blake scratched Lupe’s ears and headed into the kitchen with her on his heels.

When Blake came back out, he was holding a wrapped package. “I have something for you,” he said setting it in front of Ted.

Just when Ted thought the worst of the evening was over, something else went wrong. He quickly ran through a list of important dates he might have missed, but came up empty. He was sure it wasn’t their anniversary so that left, “Oh God, I forgot your birthday. Blake, I am so sorry.”

“Ted, why would I be giving you a present on my birthday?” Blake looked at him with a combination of confusion and amusement. “You didn’t forget anything. I just wanted you to have this. Please open it.”

Struggling to hide his embarrassment, Ted took an extra long time to unwrap it. He was surprised to see the Maria Callas CD collection he’d been coveting for months. Since he had most of the songs scattered on several CDs, it had seemed silly to spend the money on them again. “Blake, how did you know?”

“You look at it every time we’re in a music store. I gave up on you buying it for yourself and decided to go ahead and get it myself.” Blake sat next to Ted smiling brightly when he caught Ted’s eye. “I wanted to surprise you.”

“It’s too much, Blake. I can’t accept it.” Ted knew he was overreacting, but he couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that this night was doomed.

“Ted, what’s wrong?” Blake took the CDs from Ted and placed them on the table. He gripped Ted’s hands tightly. “Tell me what’s bothering you.”

“Wrong, what could be wrong?” A note of hysteria crept into Ted’s voice. “I drag you on the worst date ever. Emmett is never comfortable around you; I shouldn’t have asked you to go. And then we come back here and you try to do something nice for me. What do I do? I ruin it.”

“Dinner with Emmett wasn’t nearly as bad as you are making it out to be. And even if it had been, it wouldn’t have been your fault. You haven’t ruined anything.”

“But I will. I always do. Just ask Emmett. I’m sure I top the list of men who broke his heart.”

Blake looked at Ted for a moment before saying, “I don’t think this is about Emmett.”

“It’s not about Emmett exactly. I couldn’t help thinking about when we were together. I had a great life then, Blake. I loved what I was doing, and Emmett and I were happy. It didn’t take me long to lose all of it. And now. . .” Ted’s voice trailed off. He wasn’t sure how to finish.

“And now you’re wondering how soon you’re going to lose me.” Blake looked disappointed.

Ted nodded miserably. Things with Blake had been so easy this time around he’d let himself get lulled into a false sense of security. Tonight had been a wakeup call.

“I know our past has been difficult, but it’s been almost three years. When are you going to trust me, Ted? When are you going to believe in my feelings for you?” Blake let go of Ted’s hands and stood up.

“It’s not you I don’t trust. But this,” Ted gestured to include Blake and their home. “It’s too good to last. One day I’ll do something to destroy it, or you’ll just wake up and realize you don’t belong with me.”

“Ted, I love you. You make me happier than I’ve ever been. Why would I leave you?”

“Because you’re everything I’m not. You’re confident and beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful too,” Blake interrupted.

“You don’t have to humor me,” Ted laughed bitterly.

“I’m not,” Blake insisted. He knelt in front of Ted and took his hands again. “I’ve always thought you were beautiful. Some beauty is flashy and easy to see, but it doesn’t last, and you can’t get too close to it. You have a different kind of beauty. Your beauty is steady and deep. It was the first thing I noticed about you. I thought maybe it would be a beauty I could count on and touch. I was right. You get more beautiful every year, Ted.”

Ted blinked against the tears that filled his eyes. He couldn’t doubt Blake’s sincerity, not with Blake right there his own eyes full of love. But it was so hard for him to believe.

“When we were together the first time, my life was such a mess. I felt ugly and unworthy of your love. But you gave me so much. You shared your home with me, and you introduced me to opera. You showed me beauty Ted, in yourself and in life. For a little while you made me feel like I deserved beautiful things. It didn’t last then, but I never forgot that; that’s what gave me hope. I want to do that for you.” Blake moved to sit next to Ted again.

“You do, Blake, you do. You make me happier than I ever thought I could be. And all those things you said, I believe them most of the time, but sometimes,” Ted stopped, a little ashamed. He couldn’t believe how quickly he’d given into self-pity and despair. He thought he was past this.

“Sometimes the memories are too much. I know how that feels. When that happens, you have to remember that recovery is an ongoing process. It’s something we always have to work at. You should probably go to a meeting.” Blake slipped naturally into counselor mode.

“I know,” Ted agreed.

“Let me check the schedule,” Blake moved to get up, but Ted stopped him.

“Tomorrow will be fine, Blake. I’m okay, just a little embarrassed.”

Blake looked at Ted carefully for a moment before nodding. “You should go into work with me in the morning. I know there are a few early groups running.”

“I will; I promise. But right now I just want to go to bed and put this night behind us.” Ted was exhausted and more than ready for the day to end.

They got ready for bed in silence. Ted was tempted to hunt for an old pair of pajamas, but he and Blake always slept in the nude. To change that now would look like exactly what it was, hiding.

When Ted turned to lay with his back to Blake, a hand on his shoulder stopped him. “Ted, I thought you said you were alright?” Blake sounded worried.

“I am.” Ted folded and refolded the top of the sheet. “I just feel silly. I took a situation that should have been funny and blew it all out of proportion. When did I become such a drama queen?” Ted tried to laugh.

“Ted, you don’t have to hide your weakness from me. It’s okay to have doubts, to need reassurance. I just wish you would let me give it to you.”

“You shouldn’t have to pander to my insecurities.”

“Maybe not, but I should be able to remind you of why you have no reason to feel insecure about us.” Blake smiled and kissed Ted.

Any protests Ted might have made were effectively silenced. He returned the kiss eagerly. Sex was a familiar comfort. Blake moved to straddle Ted’s hips and began kissing his neck. Ted moaned when Blake licked at the spot above his collarbone that he knew drove Ted wild. Ted reached between their bodies wrapping his hand around Blake’s semi-hard cock.

“No,” Blake said pushing Ted’s hand away.

“Blake?” Ted questioned suddenly uncertain.

“This is for you, Ted. I want you to let me make love to you. I want you to relax and do nothing but concentrate on how I make you feel. Will you do that for me?” Blake smiled sweetly.

“My sexy boyfriend wants to make love to me, I’d be crazy to object,” Ted’s cock hardened in anticipation.

Blake leaned forward and kissed Ted swiftly on the mouth before returning his attention to Ted’s neck. When he moved on to Ted’s nipples, Ted arched his body trying to get closer to Blake. He reached for Blake without thinking, but Blake wordlessly took Ted’s hand and returned it to his side. It wasn’t long before Ted became uncomfortable receiving all of Blake’s attention and not reciprocating. His hands fluttered uselessly, and he worried about whether Blake could really be enjoying this.

“Don’t think, Ted, just feel.” Blake pressed his erection against Ted’s thigh. “Feel how hard you make me? Don’t hold back, Ted. Show me how I make you feel.”

Ted started to protest, but Blake winked at him and moved down the bed before licking the head of Ted’s cock. Any words Ted might have said were converted to a long “ohhhh” of pleasure as Blake went from licking to sucking.

In that moment, Ted gave himself over to Blake. He stopped worrying about what he should be doing and concentrated on the feel of Blake’s hands and mouth on his body. He couldn’t believe how wonderful it felt to be the sole focus of Blake’s attention. He felt the tenderness of Blake’s touch and the pleasure Blake took from his response in a way he never had before.

When Blake turned Ted gently on his side and slid first his fingers then his cock in and out of Ted’s body, Ted could only wonder why he didn’t let Blake do this more often. He rocked slowly in time to Blake’s thrusts, reveling in how full he felt and in the sparks of pleasure that came when Blake hit his prostrate. He listened, really listened, to the words of love and passion Blake whispered. And when his orgasm hit, Ted felt it in every part of his body. It rolled over him gaining strength until he was left breathless and sated.

Ted turned to face Blake wanting to thank him, wanting to tell him how loved and special he felt, but the words wouldn’t come. Blake smiled in understanding. He kissed Ted gently and stroked his hair. He moved his hand to Ted’s cheek and tilted Ted’s face up so their eyes met.

“This is what I feel for you. I want to spend the rest of my life sharing this with you. That is my truth. Let it be yours too.” Blake’s eyes were full of love, but there was a hint of doubt too, concern that Ted wouldn’t understand or accept what he was offering. Ted wanted to erase that doubt.

“Yes,” he said because there was no other answer. “This is my truth.” He continued to hold Blake’s gaze unashamed of the tears that filled his eyes. He knew this strength feeling couldn’t last, but he would have the memories of this night to chase away his fears.

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