Sfumato

Chapter Two: “Turn”

 

Monday, January 6, 2014
 
It was Day 66 ½, he’d made it through each one.
 
It was Day 66, hour 14, when he once again questioned his ability to survive.
 
It was Day 66, hour 14, minute 20, and Brian didn’t know how he could breathe into minute 21.
 
Brian had thought that he’d gotten used to the triggers that brought forth an overabundance of memories. He had formulated a way to keep his mind focused on living with them without saturating them with pain by choosing a different outlet of thought as soon as he started to feel…anything. It worked well enough to keep him from breaking down every nanosecond of the day. He allowed himself one hour to fall apart after he got home from work. He looked forward to the time of day when every thought, every heartbeat, every single breath in his lungs was no longer a carefully thought out process that vaulted him into the next. In the darkness of the media room with only the light from the television and the sound of home movies on the speakers, he was free to unwind and expel his despair.
 
It was the iPhone in all its beautiful technology that stopped his breath, had him curling in on himself, stomach threatening to jump out of his raw throat as he listened to his daughter and husband’s voices while staring through blurry eyes at the picture on the screen.
 
Day Planner Scheduled Reminder Message One: For: Monday, January 6, 2014 Caller: Home: “Go on, Rel, start talking.”
 
“Did the picture get sended to his phone?”
 
“Yes, he’ll see your picture when the message goes through for his schedule. Hurry up, it’s recording.”
 
“You sure, Daddy?”
 
“I’m sure, now hurry, this thing only lets you leave a short message. We’re running out of time.”
 
“Dada, it’s Arella.”
 
“He knows it’s you.”
 
“I’m talkin’ here, Daddy!”
 
“Fine, fine, talk.”
 
“Dada, you gotsta remember my winter recital is tonight. Daddy says he told your ‘sisstant already. Don’t get stuck in work. Daddy told me to say that! Oh, and Daddy took a picture of me practicin’ in my costume. Love you, Dada. See you at the school tonight.”
 
“You done?”
 
“I’m done, Daddy, you can hang up. Bye, Dada!”
 
“Love you, Brian. See you tonight and don’t forget the F-L-O-W-E-R-S.”
 
“What’s you spelling?”
 
“Grown up stuff, Rel. Don’t work too hard, Brian. See you at 5:30. Later.”
 
Before Brian could catch his breath to let out the scream that was clawing its way out of him, Ted stopped him, barreling into his office looking panicked.
 
“You weren’t answering phones, Brian!”
 
 

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“He needs help,” Jennifer cried. “You have to get him in to see someone. He won’t listen to anyone. If he doesn’t want help then you… you need to make him get it.”
 
Rage instantly replaced the relief Brian felt when the doctor told him that Justin was going to be okay. His hand shook as he closed the door to Justin’s hospital room behind him and tried to process what Jennifer was saying. “How do you think I can make him get help?”
 
Jennifer used the battered Kleenex she’d been holding to wipe away the fresh onset of tears out of her eyes. “You know what I mean. Brian, he doesn’t talk to anyone. He doesn’t want to see anyone or go anywhere. You’re the only one that can help him.”
 
“It’s been two months,” Brian seethed through gritted teeth. “What the fuck do you want him to talk about? Where the fuck do you want him to go?”
 
“He needs to talk about how he’s feeling,” Jennifer said, placing her hand on Brian’s arm. “It isn’t good for him to be stuck all the way out there with no one around. You’re at work all day. I saw Jake at the mall yesterday; he told me that Justin fired him.”
 
“He doesn’t need to be forced to talk about his feelings. We both gave that fucking counselor a try and all she did was want us to bring up memories neither one of us are ready to share. As for him being out at Britin all day, have you thought about why he might not want to leave there? That’s where she is!” Brian heard his voice echoing in the hall and saw some nearby nurses turn to glare at them. He glared right back before continuing, “And he doesn’t want Jake touching him right now. He doesn’t want anyone touching him. It’s just like after he was hurt.”
 
“Which is why he needs help,” Jennifer reiterated. “I’m not trying to hurt him or you, but this…what you’re going through is bigger than just the two of you.”
 
“I know that,” Brian spoke in a low, dangerous tone, “but mainly, it’s about us. You don’t know what it’s like…you don’t and no doctor is going to help either one of us.” He turned around to enter Justin’s room but Jennifer’s next words stopped him.
 
“He tried to kill himself!”
 
Brian spun around. “Would you keep your voice down,” he hissed.
 
“Why?” Jennifer asked, throwing her tissue and stomping on it. “You don’t want the doctors to find out that he’s not an idiot?”
 
“Jennifer…”
 
“He’s my son and he needs help. You and I both know that he’d never take Tylenol. He’s not a child and he didn’t get the bottle mistaken for his allergy medicine. Even if he did, he wouldn’t have taken so many. The doctors may be buying that bullshit, though I don’t understand why, but I’m not and I know you aren’t. He deliberately took those pills and if your housekeeper hadn’t been there, he would have died.”
 
“I can’t force him to see someone.”
 
“Yes, you can. But if not that… then… then do something, please! You’re his husband. You’re the one he needs. You’re the one he turns to. You have to help him.”
 
“What do you expect me to do? Fucking him isn’t going to make him better this time. He can’t even stand to be in the same room with me,” Brian confessed.
 
Jennifer gasped. “What?”
 
Brian knew he shouldn’t have admitted that and as soon as the words were out of his mouth, he knew that they would only fuel Jennifer’s fears. “He’s scared of me. He sees my scars and he loses it.” Brian’s trembling fingers traced the sensitive line of mangled flesh on his neck. “It isn’t his fault that he can’t see past them.”
 
“Brian…” Jennifer covered her face and began sobbing. “If you can’t help him…”
 
“He just needs time,” Brian said, his voice cracking. He was certain that it had to be true. He needed it to be true. “Just time and no one can make time go faster.”
 
Jennifer brought the end of her cardigan to her face and wiped it off. She looked back up at Brian and was startled when she saw that the man she had considered Justin’s rock looked just as fragile as Justin appeared lying in the hospital bed. She took Brian in her arms and hugged him tight, a little surprised to feel his arms wrap around her. “I don’t want him to kill himself,” she wept. “I can’t lose my son. Brian, you can’t let that happen.”
 
“I won’t,” Brian replied, taking comfort in the woman’s embrace. It had been so long since anyone had dared to offer him comfort because he’d pushed everyone away or ignored them if they tried. He felt his anger subside, gave in to his needs and wept.
 
 

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Friday, January 17, 2014
 
“We’re doing the right thing,” Debbie said, squeezing Jennifer’s hand.
 
“I know,” Jennifer replied in a hushed tone.
 
Valerie nervously rubbed her palms on her knees, hoping the women were right. Jennifer had warned her of Justin’s appearance before they’d arrived. She had prepared herself for her best friend’s gaunt body and pale face, but she didn’t think that either woman could really see how bad he actually looked. They knew that, emotionally, he needed help, but how far Justin had escaped away from living life, she didn’t think they understood.
 
When he’d come to the door wearing only a pair of sweat pants and a terrified expression, she’d wanted nothing more than to reach out and hug him, but he’d evaded all their touches. He led them inside to the living room, told them he had to shower and he’d be down in a while. From the smell of him and the look of his hair that appeared brown from all the grease in it, Valerie guessed that it’d been days since his last one. Jennifer and Debbie seemed so unfazed by his appearance and behavior that it was obvious they’d grown used to and even expected it.
 
When Justin came back downstairs wearing a new pair of black sweats and a large gray sweater jacket, he seemed to look a little better, but Valerie knew he wasn’t. He sat as far away from them as he could, tucking his legs under him, his right arm curled into one of the pockets of the hoody, his face looking even paler surrounded by the black hood, the bags under his eyes nearly the same color. Jennifer and Debbie had both seen Justin like this before, a long, long time ago, but Valerie had never seen her friend, a man who was usually so bright and filled with life, look so lifeless. It was hard for Valerie not to cry but she knew that wasn’t why she was here. Jennifer had told her that Justin needed someone who could give him strength, someone he could rely on for the truth, because his family was too fragile, still mourning Arella’s death as if it had only happened yesterday. Valerie felt damn fragile too, and she mourned the beautiful little girl, but she hadn’t been there to see the destruction of Justin as his family had been. They all felt helpless, Jennifer had told her. Seeing Justin now, Valerie desperately wanted to help him and hoped that the women were right and that she could help her friend.
 
“You c…came from Paris?”
 
Had Valerie not seen Justin’s lips moving she wouldn’t have known it was him that had spoken. His voice sounded completely foreign. She swallowed and replied, “Yes.”
 
Justin’s eyes narrowed as he looked at each of the women before settling back on Valerie. “Why?”
 
Valerie grabbed her large purse and slid the folder out. “I wanted to show you this.” She stood up and walked over to Justin to hand it to him.
 
Justin sighed as he grasped it, only using his left hand which didn’t go unnoticed by Valerie. “What is it? Pictures of…of your new stuff?”
 
“No,” Valerie said, taking a seat in the empty chair beside Justin’s. “Open it.”
 
Justin scooted away from Valerie, feeling claustrophobic from her close proximity. He fumbled with opening the folder. When he saw the contents, his hands trembled and he struggled for breath, as he demanded an answer, “What is this?”
 
“After my miscarriage, this is where I went,” Valerie told him. “Timothy called and you know how he is with all his contacts. He was able to get you a spot there.”
 
“I’m not going there!” Justin sprung out his seat and threw the folder; the pamphlets and plane ticket scattered around the room.
 
Jennifer stood up and approached Justin. “Justin, please, we think…”
 
“Shut up, Mother!” he yelled. “Don’t you see what this is?”
 
Debbie stood too and placed her hand on Justin’s back. “Sunshine, this is a chance for you to…”
 
“A chance for what?” Justin screamed and backed away from the women, wildly glancing at all of them. “Is this some kind of fucking intervention?”
 
“No, Justin,” Valerie cried, giving up on keeping her emotions in check. “That isn’t what this is. I want to help you and that retreat…”
 
“That retreat is a glorified psych ward!” Justin hissed back at her. “You think I’m crazy?”
 
“No, no. I went there…”
 
“You went there because Timothy wanted you to finish your pieces for that show! He wanted you better so that you could create for him again!” Justin screamed. “I can’t believe you’d do this to me! All you care about is me painting again!”
 
“Justin, honey,” Jennifer pleaded, “we want to help you, please let us.”
 
“I don’t want your help!” Justin said, kicking at the papers. “I don’t need it!”
 
“You do,” Valerie said, “even if you can’t see it.”
 
“What I see is that you and Timothy have concocted this plan to get me to go back to painting. You lost money from me cancelling the show at your gallery and now you want me to start painting again so that I can earn you both back what I lost you! But who gives a shit what I fucking lost? You think I’ll fucking find it again if I go to this colony for psychotic artists?”
 
“That isn’t what I think,” Valerie cried. “You’re my best friend. I don’t care about the money. I just thought it might help you heal, just like it helped me.”
 
“You were pregnant for five months!” Justin said. “You didn’t know your baby for five years.”
 
“Justin!” Jennifer wrapped her arm around Valerie, regretting ever calling the young woman. “You’re wrong. We contacted Valerie.”
 
“It’s true, Sunshine,” Debbie said, “we called and asked for her help. We wanted you to get away and relax and find some peace.”
 
“Then why not send me to fucking Ibiza?” Justin asked. “If you wanted me to relax you could have sent me anywhere. But, Valerie and Timothy want me to paint! They want me to earn them their fucking money and notoriety.” He glared at Valerie and asked, “So, how much did I cost you when I cancelled the show? Tell me- how much?”
 
“Justin,” Valerie cried, “please, it has nothing to do…”
 
“What the fuck is going on here?” Brian bellowed from the entrance to the living room.
 
Justin ran toward Brian, barreling into his chest and gripping his suit jacket. “They want to send me away!”
 
“No,” Jennifer said, “that’s not…”
 
“Get out!” Brian yelled.
 
“Brian, please… I just want…”
 
“She and Timothy want me to paint again,” Justin said in a crazed voice, his eyes glassy. “Please, please, don’t let them make me go.”
 
“We’re not going to make you go,” Debbie said.
 
“Get. Out!” Brian roared, wrapping his arms around Justin. “Get the fuck out of our house now!”
 
Defeated, the three women gathered their things and slowly walked out of the house.
 
Justin rubbed his face against Brian’s chest and whispered, “I’m so glad you came home. I was so scared they were going to try to have me committed to that place.”
 
“They don’t have the power to do that,” Brian said, “and I wouldn’t let them.”
 
“Why did they do that?” Justin asked. “Why? Why can’t they just leave me alone?”
 
Brian swallowed around the lump in his throat and carded his fingers through Justin’s hair, relieved that finally, he was taking comfort in his arms. “They all know, Justin.”
 
“Know what?”
 
“That you tried to commit suicide.” Brian’s mouth tasted acidic and his stomach knotted. He felt Justin stiffen for a moment but then he settled against him. “Your mother, Debbie, they told everyone. Fuck, I left the office early because Lindsay called to talk to me about it, and I couldn’t think of anything else after that, so I decided to come home.”
 
“I’m glad you did,” Justin said quietly. “I don’t want to leave here.”
 
“You need to promise me you’ll never try that shit again, that you’ll remember that you still have me. You can’t forget that, Justin. If you succeeded….”
 
“I won’t,” Justin said quickly. “I won’t do it again, I promise.”
 
“Then I promise I won’t let anyone take you away.” He kissed Justin’s forehead and looked him right in the eyes. “I want you safe.”
 
“I will be,” Justin said, desperate not to be locked away. “I will be.”
 
“Then this has to stop,” Brian said. “No one, no one understands what we’re… what you’re going through. They… they’re not going to stop trying to get you help. Unless… unless they see what they want to see.”
 
“I can’t stop the way I feel,” Justin said. “I want to. I want it to stop but I can’t.”
 
Brian held Justin even tighter. “I know. Which is why we’re going to have to pretend. Okay?”
 
“What?”
 
“We need to pretend, Justin. For all of them. If your Mom wanted to, she could send you somewhere and I’m not sure I could stop it. Social services would be involved and they’d send some shrink to analyze us and they’d see that I’m not any better off than you are. We can’t be falling apart. We can’t let them see that because they’ll never stop wanting to help us if we do. We have to start pretending as if everything is okay because that is what they want. You never know, if we pretend, it just might feel real one day.”
 
“I want it to be okay. I want it to be real,” Justin mumbled against Brian’s chest. “I do.”
 
“Me too, but I don’t know what will make it okay except time and if they can’t give us that, then me and you, we’ll stick together and we’ll give it to ourselves. They just don’t understand. They can’t understand it.”
 
Justin gazed up at Brian, his eyes filled with unshed tears. “I’ll pretend, if that’s what they need.”
 
“But here,” Brian said, “it’s just you and me.”
 
Justin felt a horrible chill seep into his bones as Brian’s words hit him. It was just the two of them now. He felt Brian stiffen, his expression looked panicked and Justin forced his pain down deep and gave his husband a small encouraging smile. He concluded that it might be necessary to pretend for Brian’s sake too.
 
A time to build up, a time to break down
A time to dance, a time to mourn
A time to cast away stones, a time to gather stones together~The Byrds
 
TBC in Tenebrosity Chapter 7

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