Sfumato

Chapter One: “Perspective”

 

November 2011

“Do you think I need to cook two turkeys or three?” Justin asked Gus.

“Twee,” Arella answered, spitting cookie crumbs all over the handle of the shopping cart.

“How many does one of them serve?” Gus handed Arella the rest of the free cookie the deli workers had given him. “No more talking with your mouth full,” he sternly told his sister.

Arella smiled and nodded, happy to have another cookie, swinging her legs in the seat of the cart and kicking Gus’ stomach.

“Maybe I should call my mom or Debbie and ask them?” Justin said, gazing into the freezer bin of assorted turkeys.

“If you do, they’ll think you can’t handle Thanksgiving dinner and come and cook it for you,” Gus warned all-knowingly.

“You’re probably right.” Justin looked around them to see if there was an employee to ask. The woman stocking the freezer across from him looked familiar to him but he couldn’t place why. “Excuse me?”

The employee turned around and gave Justin a smile. “Can I help you, sir?”

“I hope you can help,” he said, reading her name tag. He didn’t recall ever knowing anyone named Chloe and she didn’t seem to remember him so Justin figured she must have one of those ‘familiar faces’ that always reminded you of someone. “I was wondering if you knew how much turkey I might need.”

“How many are you planning to cook for?” Chloe asked, smiling at Arella.

“There will be about twenty of us,” Justin replied.

“Where’s havin’ Tanksgivin’,” Arella told Chloe. “Daddy said we shopped too late.”

Chloe laughed. “It’s never too late to shop.”

Arella nodded. “Dada says that too.”

Justin laughed and playfully tugged on one of Arella’s pigtails. “You’re too smart for your own good.”

“Yup,” Arella agreed.

“So modest like him too,” Gus said sarcastically.

Justin poked Gus in the ribs. “And who do you sound like?”

Gus shrugged. “It’s in my D.N.A.”

Justin turned back to Chloe, a wide grin on his face. “Kids can be so exasperating.”

Chloe nodded. “My daughter Christina just turned three and she seems to know everything already.”

“Arella,” Justin paused and kissed Rel’s cookie covered cheek, “she’s three and a half and thinks she’s a teenager. I’m not looking forward to the teen years.”

“Me neither,” Chloe agreed.

“I’m a good teenager,” Gus said smugly.

Justin laughed. “You may look like a teenager but you’re not there yet, buddy.”

“One more year to go,” Gus said excitedly.

“Oh my,” Chloe gasped. “You’re so tall for a twelve-year-old, you look about the same age as my younger brother and he’s fifteen.”

Gus straightened his shoulders proudly and nudged Justin, “See, told ya I could probably get into an R rated movie.”

“She said fifteen not seventeen,” Justin said, laughing.

“Twokey,” Arella said, pulling the conversation back to food and pointing at the freezer bin. “I want that one.”

Chloe flushed. “So sorry to get you so off topic there.”

“No problem,” Justin told her, “the kids love shopping.”

“Not fo’ food,” Arella piped up.

“Just like Dad,” Gus said.

Justin silently agreed, smiling at his daughter. “So, for about twenty people how many turkeys would you recommend me buying?”

“You’d be safe getting two of the twenty pound turkeys. You like to have leftovers, right?”

“Yes, we do,” Justin said, his stomach growling as he thought of the feast he would be spending the next three days preparing.

“I’s like da punk’in pie da best,” Rel told the woman. “Daddy’s lettin’ me help.”

“Me too,” the young woman said and smacked her lips. “I help my Dad make them every year. I also make pecan pies, they’re almost as good as pumpkin pies and they’re super gooey.”

“We havin’ that, Daddy?” Arella asked Justin.

Justin nodded. “We’re going to try to have it. I’ve never made a pecan pie before and I’ve heard they can be really hard to make.”

“You’re a good cook,” Gus praised his father, “you’ll make them perfect, just like everything else you make.”

Justin beamed at Gus. “Thank you.”

“I’m sure you’ll be all right with these two helping,” Chloe said. “Is there anything else I can help you with?”

“No thanks, that was all,” Justin replied. “Happy Thanksgiving.”

“Happy Thanksgiving,” Chloe replied, waving at them, “good luck with the feast.”

They made their way over to the checkouts and were lucky enough to be first in line when a checker opened her register just as they were passing it. After Justin paid for the groceries, they made their way toward the sliding glass doors to the exit. Justin paused before stepping out and buttoned up Arella’s coat and helped her put on her hat, scarf and gloves.

“Too hot,” Arella said, trying to loosen her scarf.

Justin buttoned his pea coat and began putting his own winter gear on. “It’s only hot until we go outside.”

“I have to wear it all too,” Gus told her, putting his hat on. “If we don’t, we’ll get sick and you don’t want to be sitting in your room sick during Thanksgiving dinner. That wouldn’t be any fun, would it?”

Arella dropped her hand from the scarf and pouted, “Donna be hot.”

“What was that?” Gus teased. “You saying some girl named Donna is hot?”

Justin found himself childishly giggling at Gus’ joke as he began to push the cart toward the exit. “You need to take a nap on the way to Dada’s office or you’re going to be…” The rest of his sentence died on his lips as his insides seized in reaction to the man and child walking into the store.

A sudden gust of air grazed his dimpled cheek, the bat obliterating his smile in a crackling millisecond.

“Christina, we’ll go find your mom in a minute. Let’s take our coats off and I’ll go hang them up in the office,” the man said in a gentle voice, bending down to help the toddler unzip her coat.

“I thought I’d recapture my lost youth.”

“Daddy, I wan’ see G’ampa,” the little girl said impatiently.

Baby don’t you know I love you so
Can’t you feel it when we touch
I will never ever let you go
I love you oh so much

“Grandpa doesn’t work here anymore, remember? He retired and now me and Mommy run the store.”

spine tingling euphoria as he spun around and around, so confident, so in love

“Why’d he bein’ tied all da’ time?” the child asked. “He not stong wike you no more, wight? ‘Cause you wift big weights!”

pressed against Brian’s body, the crowd around them dissolving, leaving only the two of them as they spun around. Brian’s strong grip on him as he was dipped backward…looking up into glittering golden-hazel eyes

Justin’s hands gripped the handle of the shopping cart tightly, using it to keep his balance as his insides began to react as though he were seasick. His vision focused in and out, as he watched the interaction between the man and his daughter. The little girl who he guessed to be Chloe’s daughter too, stared up at her father in admiration as though he were the world. Justin could feel bile rising and forced himself to look away from the man who was nothing but a monster to him.

“We gave them a prom they’ll never forget.”

“Me neither. It was the best night of my life.”

“Daddy?” Gus called Justin for the fourth time. “Daddy?”

Justin stared at Gus and tried to speak but couldn’t form words; his mouth was dry and his concentration volleyed back and forth from the father and daughter walking in his direction to memories forced into hiding a long time ago and now blooming.

“Even if it was ridiculously romantic.”

“Who is that?” Gus asked, glaring at the man, wondering why seeing him made his father so upset. Growing increasingly worried at Justin not answering him and instead staring at the man who was now fixing Justin with a steely blue gaze that Gus found extremely creepy, he roughly shook Justin’s arm. “Dad, dad!”

Arella patted her father’s face and pointed to the little girl, “Look, Daddy, she has my boots!”

the cool metal of the Jeep pressed against his back, soft silk twisting around his neck, a kiss unlike any he and Brian had ever shared before

The new images finally dissipated and Justin was once again able to focus on his children. Justin hadn’t experienced a flashback like this in years and he forgot how he always lost sense for time during one. It felt as though the flashback lasted for hours when in reality it was not even a minute that he was stuck in remembrances.

“Who is that?” Gus asked Justin, his words hissing past his lips.

“I went to school with your father,” the man mumbled casually as he walked by them.

As speechless as Justin had been a second ago, he now had thousands of angry words threatening to escape his mouth but he held them back for the sake of his son and daughter. He grabbed Gus’ arm as he pushed the cart with one hand. “Come on.”

“What happened?” Gus asked the moment they walked out of the store.

“Daddy?” Arella’s voice wobbled and her eyes watered from both the cold air and her worry over Justin’s and Gus’ behavior.

“I’m all right,” Justin whispered, kissing her forehead. “I just felt sick for a few minutes but I’m okay now.”

“K, Daddy,” Arella said, satisfied to see her father smile at her.

Gus was older and his concerns couldn’t be mollified as easily. He persisted, “Why did that guy upset you?”

Once they were across the parking lot and to their car, Justin released Gus’ arm and patted it. “Really, I’m okay now. I was just hot in there, that’s all.”

Gus didn’t believe that for a second. “That guy said he knew you.”

“From school, like he said. I was just surprised to see him again,” Justin explained. He popped the unlock button on the key ring for the doors and then for the trunk. “Can you get Rel buckled up while I get the groceries in the trunk?”

“Yeah, sure,” Gus replied softly, knowing that it wouldn’t do any good to push for the truth. He would have to talk to Brian as soon as he could manage to catch him alone and see if he could explain why Justin acted so afraid of the man in the store.

 

~~~~~~~~~~
 

“Dada!” Arella burst through Brian’s office door.

Brian spun in his office chair and stood up to catch Arella as she jumped into his arms. “What are you doing here?”

“We went grocery shopping,” Justin answered for his daughter, walking into Brian’s office, Gus right behind him.

“I gots a cookie,” Arella said.

“Two cookies,” Gus reminded her.

“Gus-Gus gave me his,” Rel told Brian.

“That was nice of him.” Brian placed Arella on her feet and got a good look at what she was wearing. Justin was about to lean in for a kiss but he held him at arms length. “What in the heck is she wearing with her Burberry coat?”

Justin rolled his eyes, not in the mood to hear Brian’s critiques of their daughter’s fashion sense. “She wanted to wear the ladybug hat, scarf and gloves.”

“I bought her a cashmere set! It goes perfectly with her $450 dollar coat!” Brian groaned as he bent down and unwound the red knit scarf from around Arella’s neck. “Why in the hell is she wearing this?” He quickly plucked the ladybug mittens and hat from her head and took off her purple plaid coat.

“Like I said,” Justin spoke with annoyance, “she wanted to wear that set. Debbie made it for her and we had lunch at the diner, so…”

“Then you should’ve put her in the red pea coat! My god, Justin. I can’t believe you let her… ohhh no, no, no, no, no, no. There is no excuse for this! The princess boots!”

“I like ‘em, Dada,” Arella said, dancing around, snow falling off them and onto the office floor.

“But Arella, these are not weather boots. These are cowboy boots and they don’t match your coat.”

Arella pointed to her dress and twirled. “They go’d with this, Dada.”

Brian looked at the princess dress that he knew Justin had ordered online. It was beautifully handmade and entirely too girly and unsophisticated. Every single time a new one arrived in the mail he had to remind himself that Arella had to have clothes to play in, even if they made her look like one of her dolls. “Well, those boots aren’t made for walking, especially in the snow,” he answered, standing up and glaring at Justin. “Why didn’t you put her in those grayish purple Gucci boots?”

“Those are rain boots,” Justin said through clenched teeth. “Now can you stop thinking about turning her into a fashion diva for two fucking seconds and say hi to me!”

“You sweared!” Arella exclaimed, laughing and dancing around Justin and Brian both.

Gus looked between his parents and knew that they needed to be left alone, most likely to talk about the man at the store. “Come on, Rel. Let’s go ask Uncle Teddy to get us some hot chocolate.”

Justin turned to Gus with an apologetic look on his face. “Thank you, Gus.”

Gus threw his coat onto the sofa and shrugged, “No prob.”

Arella bounded out of the room and Brian walked past Justin to close the door behind her. When he turned back around, Justin had sunk down onto the sofa, not bothering to take off his coat. Brian got a good look at him. He looked exhausted; there was still a haunted look around his almost closed eyes and he was rubbing his temples absently. Brian suddenly realized that Justin was trying hard to keep up a strong front and scolded himself for spouting off all the bullshit about Rel’s clothes when Justin obviously had his own battles to fight. “What happened?”

“Fuck!” Justin stood up and raked his hands through his hair. “I fucking almost lost my shit, that’s what happened.” Justin threw his coat, gloves and hat off while pacing in front of Brian. “Fuck, fuck, fuck! I had the kids with me and I almost lost it in front of them,” he explained and began to pace.

Brian stopped Justin and grabbed him by the shoulders. “What do you mean you almost lost it? Did they piss you off while you were shopping?” Even as he asked it, he knew it couldn’t be the real reason.

“No, it wasn’t them,” Justin said, wrapping his arms around Brian’s waist. He placed his head against Brian’s chest and deflated as he allowed the embrace to encompass him. “They’re perfect, they’re always so good.”

Brian stroked Justin’s hair, trailing his hand down his neck and to the small of his back before starting the journey again. “What happened?” he asked again.

“It was like that day before Pride,” Justin tried to explain. “I was a scared little faggot. Nothing….nothing happened but it could’ve and I couldn’t have done anything. And this time it wasn’t only me that I should’ve protected; it was our kids and I acted like a pussy!”

“Justin, you’re freaking me out. What are you saying…”

“I saw him,” Justin said in a shuddering breath. He looked up at Brian, tears running down his cheeks.

“At the Grocers,” Brian said for clarification.

Justin wept, “I freaked out. I couldn’t move and I know I freaked Gus and Arella out. Gus asked me what was going on and I couldn’t explain it to him.”

“Did Hobbes say something to you?” Brian asked angrily.

“He…we were leaving the store and he walked in with his little girl, whose mother I’d been talking to a few minutes before. I thought I recognized Chloe, but I couldn’t place how I knew her. Now I remember I went to school with her but she was a nerdy geek who definitely didn’t hang out in Hobbes’ group. She must not have recognized me either, I don’t see how she could talk to me so easily if she did know who I am. Their daughter is the same age as Arella and he was being so sweet to her and the way she looked at him… she doesn’t know… she has no idea that he’s a monster!”

“One day she probably will,” Brian said, feeling a tiny bit of pity for the child. “That is, unless they raise her to be a homophobic bigot, which they probably will.”

“It’s been so long since I’ve thought about it, but when I saw him with her I started remembering all these things I couldn’t remember before and it paralyzed me. I felt like I was tripping and my vision kept blurring and flashing with memories. Gus was so worried and asking me who Chris was, but I couldn’t answer. I just stood there freaking out in front of them, unable to speak or move until he walked by and answered Gus’ question.”

“He talked to Gus?” Brian asked angrily. “What’d that motherfucker say?”

“He just… he said, “We went to school together” as if that’s the reason I was standing there having a panic attack. He was so cool and casual about it like I wasn’t worth thinking about. And that just pissed me off and I guess that broke through what was going on in my head and me and the kids got the fuck out of there. Only now, Gus is flipped out and I know he doesn’t believe my bullshit excuse about being hot in the store and surprised by seeing a kid I went to school with.”

“Then we’ll talk to him,” Brian said, “tell him the truth. He’s old enough to know.”

“I don’t want to be like this,” Justin said, his voice cracking. “I try not to think about it, I try to just go on and be successful, but it doesn’t matter what I do; he’s always sneaking up on me and he probably always will. I just wanted to shop for Thanksgiving dinner and there he was. I can’t escape him and what he did to me. It’s there, biting at my heels with every single step I take forward. Every single thing in my life is somehow dictated by what he took away and what I can do with what I have left!”

“Justin, that isn’t true.” Brian held him at arm’s length and looked him in the eyes. “He can only take what you allow him to have, you know that.”

“I don’t!” Justin screamed in frustration, backing away from Brian and collapsing on the sofa. “I was so terrified of holding Gus when he was little and holding Rel too. I lied to you so many times about feeling too tired to paint after she was born. Even when I was inspired, I was scared that I’d use my hand too much and be unable to hold her so I acted like I didn’t want to paint even though I really did.”

“I figured,” Brian said, squatting in front of Justin and taking his hands. “I didn’t say anything at the time because I knew there wasn’t anything I could do to help you. I knew that you had to do what you thought was for the best.”

“You don’t understand,” Justin whispered, “you don’t.”

“Then explain it to me,” Brian moved to sit beside Justin on the sofa.

“I’m fucked up, Brian. My entire life revolves around panic attacks and my gimp hand. I fucked up today at that store. I didn’t protect our kids. At the first sight of him I should have gotten us out of there but I didn’t!”

“Nothing happened,” Brian said, “you’re all fine.”

“I’m not,” Justin said. “I’m fucking crazy, Brian. The nightmares don’t go away, the panic attacks are different every time I have them so I never know exactly what to do to stop them. I need…” he trailed off and put his face in his hands, unable to think of how he was supposed to finish that sentence.

“What?” Brian asked. “I’ll do what I can to give you what you need, just tell me what it is.”

Justin dropped his hands to rest back on top of Brian’s and looked at him with a tear-filled expression. “I don’t know what I need to stop all of it, because I don’t think anything can. There’s always going to be a shadow following me around, slowly driving me crazy.”

“Well, I won’t let that happen,” Brian promised.

“Today, after we got to the car and I realized what had happened, I felt like I was on the edge of a cliff about to leap off into a black hole.”

“That’s not going to happen. Because I’ll be there to pull you back from the precipice.”

“Even if I go totally ape-shit crazy?” Justin asked.

Brian nodded. “Even then. For better or for worse, right?”

Justin pulled Brian against him and kissed him hard, the anxiety he felt starting to fog thanks to the sexually heated kiss. “Until death parts us, beloved.”

Brian smiled against Justin’s mouth. “With a cheesy line like that, you must be feeling a little better.”

Justin nodded, refusing to allow his brain to speak any more of the crazy shit he thought about because it wouldn’t help either one of them.

“I love you,” Brian whispered against Justin’s ear, knowing his husband needed to hear the words.

All rage, all misery, all show of strength,
one armed with love can conquer, fortune too…~ Michelangelo
 

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