Scrooged

Chapter 2 "This is NOT the Future!"

“Pull the plug?” Michael interrupted bluntly, his voice wobbled on the words.

Dr. Rhine nodded his head. ”Essentially,” he confirmed. “There is more to it than that. If somehow Brian regains brain activity and is able to breathe without the aid of the machine, he may survive. Things can change. Miracles sometimes do happen in the medical world. If Brian does regain consciousness though, there is still no telling what extent of brain damage he may have endured. We won’t know that until he wakes up. The next forty-eight hours are critical, we are preparing for the worst-case. Brian may never wake up from his coma, and if he does, he may have extreme problems with his brain function, affecting everything from coordination, speech or…”

Michael couldn’t bear to hear anymore. “So I’ll have to decide what to do after the tests?”

“You are Brian’s P.O.A. correct?” Dr. Rhine asked.

“Yes, it’s just… that’ll be the day before Christmas Eve,” Michael said softly. “Will I have to decide then?”

“There isn’t a time limit per-se. But no one wants their loved one to suffer any longer than they have to. I’m sorry. We’ve done all we can tonight. I’ll leave you alone with Mr. Kinney.”

“Okay,” Michael whispered. He watched the doctor leave and turned to face Brian’s body. “Well you’ve really done it now, haven’t you, Brian? I can’t believe you’d do this to me. You’d do this to all of us. I can’t believe…”

“Can’t believe what?” Brian roared onto deaf ears. He stalked back and forth in front of his hospital bed.

“I can’t believe that something Justin did is what is saving you. Who would have thought?” Michael unknowingly answered Brian’s enraged question. “Certainly not me. I never would’ve thought that he actually did the right thing.”

“Why don’t you tell him?” Brian shouted. He walked through his body on the bed and leered at Michael.

“He doesn’t need to know any of this though. It’d probably hurt him even more than what you leaving him will do to him,” Michael reasoned.

“More than you hurt him by telling him it was his fault that I’m in here?” Brian asked.

“He wouldn’t be able to take this. Any of this,” Michael spoke. “But you know that, don’t you? That’s why it’ll be up to me to tell them to pull the plug if I have to. It doesn’t sound too good for you, Brian. You really are selfish. You don’t have any idea how much you’ve hurt us all.”

Brian walked back toward Vic. “Stop this,” he said. “Stop this now, Vic!”

“You want it stopped?” Vic asked incredulously.

“You fucking heard me. This is too painful for Michael, for Justin, for any of them!”

“Brian, the only way to stop this now is…”

Brian interrupted him, “Then kill me already. They’ll all be better off with out me anyway. Isn’t that how it’s always been? Isn’t it? That’s what this is about?”

“Brian…”

“No! Just do it! Kill me. Then he doesn’t have to decide a fucking thing!” Brian grabbed onto Vic’s shoulders and started to shake him. “Do it, Vic! You have the power to do it. I know you do!”

“Brian, you don’t want that.”

“I do! I don’t want them to decide. I’m not going to be selfish and hang on so they can either wipe my drool or decide whether I should keep living. Obviously, I’m not supposed to. Just do it. If you love them, kill me!”

Vic pulled Brian close to him and squeezed him tightly to him. “It’s done, Brian.”

“What?” Brian felt tingles run through his body. His vision faded in and out. He felt as though he was falling into a black hole and then a white hole, repeatedly until his vision cleared.

Vic stood in front of a grave marked with his name.

Brian Aiden Kinney
1971-2004
Beloved Partner, Father and Friend
 

Brian cringed at the sentimentality etched into the snow-covered marble. He looked around the deserted graveyard and then met Vic’s eyes. “So where do we go from here?”

Vic looked at the man and shook his head in amazement. “Do you think that just because you died its all over with? You think everyone’s lives will just go on as though nothing happened. You think people just stop hurting?”

Brian didn’t answer. A car pulling up toward the gravesite drew his attention. At first, he didn’t recognize the car, but as it got closer and parked in the closest area to his grave, he could see exactly who was behind the wheel of the car. Stunned speechless, Brian watched the driver get out of the vehicle and slowly walk toward his grave.

“I can do this. I can do this. I can do this,” Brian heard the muttered words through pink chapped lips.

“I can do this,” Justin said again. He carefully trudged through the slippery snow. “It’ll be okay. I can do this.”

When Justin finally reached Brian’s grave, his appearance made Brian audibly gasp in horrid surprise. “Justin!”

The blond fell to his knees in the snow. He didn’t care that it was freezing outside, he didn’t care that the sludge and unsettled dirt covering Brian’s grave messed up his clothing. “This is so hard,” he whispered as he moved his hands from inside his jacket to reveal a bouquet of daisies and a ratty teddy bear. “Brian,” Justin whimpered.

“He looks terrible, doesn’t he, Brian? Doesn’t look like Justin moved on at all, huh? He looks much worse than what he looked like in the hospital waiting to see if you were alive.”

Brian crouched down next to Justin. He heard the boy’s labored breathing and hiccups. Justin tried his best not to cry, and Brian knew that the shaking Justin’s body made was not only because of the cold. “You don’t need to cry for me, Sunshine. I’m not worth it. Don’t you know that?”

“Happy New Year, Brian.” Justin placed the daisies on the mound of earth. “I’m trying to be strong here. I’m trying not to lose it and cry all over the place.”

Brian nodded his head. “You’re doing well,” he whispered. “You’ll be okay, Sunshine.”

“But I don’t think I can take it. I know that you’ve been gone for a week but I haven’t got a handle on any of this. It seems like a big fucking nightmare and I keep thinking you are going to wake up,” Justin laughed pitifully as tears started to fall. “I keep thinking you’re going to come back to me. But you’re…” Justin dug one of his hands into the ground and crumpled the dirt and snow between his fingers. “You’re under all this. This isn’t where you’re supposed to be, Brian.”

“You never complained when I lay under you before, Sunshine,” Brian said. The joke was pitiful.

“I know you hate roses so I brought you daisies. I remember you said daisies were the one flower you liked. You told me, you were drunk of course, but you told me one of your happy memories from childhood was when you helped Vic plant them in his garden when you visited him in New York with Debbie and Michael.” Justin leaned down further and placed the ratty teddy bear onto the stone’s base. “This is my teddy bear from when I was a little boy. His name is Gus. I never told you, but that’s why I liked that name. That’s why I chose it. It wasn’t just because I didn’t like the name Abraham.” Justin placed a kiss on the bear on its dingy black nose and leaned back up, wiping his tears with his hands.

“Fuck Justin,” Brian gasped. He reached out to touch Justin again but stopped before he saw his hand pass through Justin’s body again.

“I’m leaving him here. I should’ve put him inside with…” Justin hiccupped. “Anyway, this way you always have a piece of your Sonny-boys with you. I…I don’t think I’ll be back, Brian. I’m sorry I didn’t go to your funeral but I just couldn’t. I know what happened is my fault. The family is all trying to talk to me, console me. They all think I’ll go on without you. But they don’t know what its like. I can’t go on, here, without you beside me. I’ve packed up, and tonight I’m moving on. I’m moving far away from all the memories we created together. I don’t want to be alive in a world without you in it. Don’t worry. I’m not going to off myself. But, at least if I get out of the Pitts… Well, I won’t be stuck in this world that constantly reminds me of you.”

“Justin,” Brian whispered. He felt tears stream down his own face. Justin sobbed hard. His entire body heaved with emotions and Brian badly wanted to touch and comfort him, but he couldn’t.

“I’m going to be your artist, Brian. You’ll forever be my muse. I won’t forget you. I couldn’t, but I need to try to move on and start a different life.”

Brian looked toward Vic. “You see, Vic. Justin’s going to finally get out of this town. He’ll be the famous artist he was meant to be!”

Vic nodded his head.

Brian mistook his gesture as agreement and not as the forced acceptance, which it was. “Sunshine will shine again,” Brian whispered. He turned his attention to Justin. “You will be okay, Justin.”

Brian’s vision blackened and then faded to white and back again. Tingles coursed through his body and he opened his eyes and stood in what appeared to be an art studio.

Next to Brian, Vic reached out and held his hand. “This is the future that Justin has now. He lives this future because you died, Brian.”

Brian looked around the messy large room. Canvases and paintings were strewn everywhere around the room. Sketchbooks and supplies littered every available surface. Nothing seemed to be organized. But Brian knew Justin knew where everything was. He always did. It was controlled chaos.

Brian’s eyes caught site of a large painting that lay on the biggest table in the room. Fresh paints, brushes and turpentine sat beside it as though the artist had left in the middle of painting it. It was a dark abstract piece. There was no light or love. Hell, it didn’t really even look like a Justin Taylor piece, but Brian knew that it was by the depth of emotion he felt looking at it. Brian never had been as affected by art as he was by Justin’s.

Brian turned toward the sound of a door opening on the other side of the room. At first, Brian wasn’t sure if what he saw was real. He didn’t think that who he saw before him was really Justin Taylor. The man was older, yes, but that wasn’t what startled Brian. Justin’s appearance was completely unkempt. Justin’s lifeless blue eyes were framed behind a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. His hair was no longer a soft, glowing blond. It was stringy and gray, tied up haphazardly into a ponytail at his neck. He wore a brown sweater that was huge on his frail looking body. Brian couldn’t believe how bad the hollow cheeks on Justin’s face looked. The pouty pink lips had turned blotchy, wrinkly, and chapped.

Brian always caught Justin chewing on his lips when he stressed out or concentrated on a new painting. Brian would often draw attention to Justin’s habit and then throw a tube of lip balm at the boy. Justin usually smiled brightly at him in thanks. He would stop whatever he was doing to kiss Brian, transferring the substance to Brian’s lips.

Brian looked on as Justin moved stiffly, limping over to the table. He carried a glass of water in his left hand. The man’s right arm curled up awkwardly toward his chest and his hand squeezed into a tight fist. “Just give me a moment and I’ll finish,” Justin spoke sitting down at the table.

Brian looked around the room, wondering if he’d missed seeing anyone else in it. There wasn’t anyone there. Justin talked to himself.

Vic watched Brian closely for the man’s reaction. He hated that he had to do this, but there was no other way. It wasn’t time for Brian to die. He had to show the stubborn man this. Brian needed to know exactly how lucky he was to have the life he had. He needed to appreciate Justin’s love and devotion. Vic realized that the only way to do that was to throw it in Brian’s face.

Justin took his right hand in his left and pried his fingers apart. “Come on, fuck!” he gritted out. His teeth clenched and he breathed hard as his fingers finally loosened enough to drop four different pills onto the metal table. He let out a long breath and closed his eyes tightly.

Brian saw two tears trace their way down Justin’s pale cheek and felt his heart break. He watched in horror as the artist picked up the pills, his hands shaking in effort, placed them on his tongue and then drank a long swallow of his water. This was not at all how Brian had pictured Justin’s life in the future. Not at all.

A beeping that sounded like a pager started going off, coming from the high-tech looking computer across the room.

“I’m coming. I’m coming,” Justin said loudly. He limped over to the computer screen.

Brian followed him. He held his breath as he heard Justin groan in pain as he sat down in the leather chair.

“Hello?” Justin spoke, his voice forced to sound cheerful.

The screen came on revealing a site that had Brian falling unsteadily into Vic’s awaiting arms.

“Hi, Dad,” Gus said.

Brian looked around, expecting to see another version of him come from somewhere in the studio.

“Hi, Gus,” Justin answered softly. Gus was a spitting image of what Brian looked like when he was in his late twenties. Nothing on the boy revealed any of Lindsay’s features except that his eyes were a darker, deeper brown than Brian’s. It was as though it was him reincarnated.

“You don’t look very good, Dad. Are you okay?” Gus asked worriedly. “Well, never mind answering that question. I know you aren’t all right.”

Justin sniffled, “Yeah, well. I’ll be fine, it’s just because it’s…”

“Tomorrow. I know. Twenty-five years since Daddy died.” Gus wiped at his eyes. “But don’t worry. I’ll bring by Will and the kids in the morning. You know I’d never let you spend Christmas Eve alone.”

Justin tried to smile. “You’re a good son.”

“And you’re a good Dad. I’m glad I’ve had you my whole life. Even if…” he stopped and took a deep breath.

“It’s okay Gus,” Justin croaked. “I’d rather have him here too. There was a time when I thought we might be parents together. To you and to a child of my own, but that was just a dream. Brian never wanted that with me, besides you I mean.”

“Dad, are you taking care of yourself?” the younger man asked. Gus changed the subject because he could tell that Justin was about to break down. They’d had the conversation about ‘what might have been’ many times and it always resulted in Justin sobbing uncontrollably until he passed out, exhausted from the cry. Gus wanted to be beside his Father if that was going to happen.

“I am. As well as I can,” Justin told him.

“Did you take your medicine? You know you can’t forget. I really don’t want to come over and find you in the middle of a seizure ever again!” Gus admonished.

Brian felt his body run icy cold. “A seizure?” he wondered. “Why was Justin having seizures?” He turned toward Vic. “What’s going on, Vic? This isn’t what…”

“This isn’t what you imagined would happen to Justin? Or how about to Gus?” Vic asked. “Did you think he’d be so sad on Christmas Eve?”

“Gus? He looks happy?” Brian retorted. “But Justin…”

“Justin is completely miserable. He’s been having severe seizures since shortly after he moved to New York. A mugger hit him with the but of a gun, right on his head. Same place the bat hit. The injury affected his entire body. He’s in constant physical and emotional pain, Brian. It was three years before he could hold anything in his left hand. His entire right side of his body is stiff. The attack paralyzed parts of Justin’s left side for almost five years,” Vic told Brian. “He went through hell. Do you want to see that too?”

“What? No, I don’t want to see that! This isn’t possible!” Brian said closing his eyes. “This isn’t possible, Vic. Justin is fine. He’s a famous artist and…. and Gus is fine too. He has a family and he grew up well without having a shitty father like me! He got to have Justin as a father.” Brian sunk down to his knees and put his hands over his eyes.

“He isn’t, Brian,” Vic stated firmly. “Justin is a mess. He barely eats or sleeps. His art is all dark and full of doom and fear. The only person he visits with is Gus, and his family. But they come here because Justin can’t bear to leave the house. He’s scared of every thing, Brian. Everything! Worse than before. This studio is part of a big huge house in the countryside of West Virginia. Gates line the property and he even has a twenty-four hour guard at the front gate. He can afford it because he’s extremely wealthy from his paintings. You got that part right. He’s a famous artist. But he isn’t better off without you. He blames himself for what happened to you and he avoided all contact from everyone back in Pittsburgh except Gus and Lindsay. He hates himself and who he became without you. The only reason he goes on living is for Gus and your grandchildren. And Gus nearly got himself killed. He was an alcoholic at twelve, Brian! Lindsay was going to put him in juvenile hall until Justin stepped in and gained custody of him, even though he could barely take care of himself. Justin couldn’t watch out for Gus then because of the attack and it tears himself up. He blames himself because he knows that Gus started getting into trouble because he was afraid that Justin would die too.”

“No!” Brian screamed. “No, this isn’t right. This isn’t what happened. This isn’t Justin’s life. It isn’t!”

Vic bent down and touched Brian’s shoulder. “Yes it is,” he answered.

In the same instant, Vic affirmed the future’s images, tingles started in Brian’s body. His vision turned from black to white and back again until the magic brought them back so they stood in the all white room. Brian felt the change and looked up and around him. He was glad that he’d left those visions behind. He couldn’t handle seeing that future’s reality any longer. “That wasn’t real,” Brian said, getting his bearings.

Vic sat down on the expanse of white floor. “That was Justin’s life. He never let anyone touch him but you. Can you imagine? You know Justin’s sexual appetite, his need better than anyone, Brian. Can you imagine him living twenty-five years without you? Hell, he can’t even pleasure himself because of his coordination and the medication he’s on weakened his sex drive so that it's barely even there.”

“Fuck that!” Brian roared. He laughed in despair, “Justin wouldn’t ever go that long without sex! You expect me to believe that is his reality without me. He would’ve found someone else to take my place. It wasn’t hard for him to do the first time with Ian. He would have found some guy that gave him everything I wouldn’t.”

“No, Brian. Justin never could. He barely accepted hugs from Gus, his mother or sister. Justin won’t even hold your grandchildren. He’s terrified that he’ll have a seizure and drop Brian, that’s Gus’ youngest, he’s only five months old. You see, when Taylor, Gus’ little girl, she’s three, well when she was little Justin’s hand twitched harshly and he nearly threw her off his lap because of it. He’s afraid to touch them since that happened, because he doesn’t want to injure them.”

“But it was an accident,” Brian said.

“Of course it was,” Vic assured Brian. “But Justin doesn’t see it that way.”

“Fuck.” Brian sat down beside Vic. “Gus named his son after me and his little girl after…”

“The most important people in his life, yeah. Taylor Justine Kinney and Brian William. It’s a shame you couldn’t have been around to meet them.”

Brian shook his head, trying to imagine his grown up son being the father to two children. “Gus is gay? So how did they…”

“Molly.”

“Justin’s sister?” Brian gasped.

“She’s only a few years older than Gus. By the time Will and Gus were ready to start a family she’d already had two little girls of her own. Her husband Jason is Gus’ best friend. She’s always been very close to your son. Molly didn’t want Gus to miss out on having a family with his partner. Not the way Justin had to. He mourns for you every single day, Brian. Every single day. He isn’t really living without you. He’s just breathing from one day to the next.”

Brian stood up abruptly. “You fix this right fucking now. This isn’t what I wanted! Justin doesn’t deserve this, Vic. You know that!”

Vic stood up and stopped Brian from pacing. “You just don’t get it, do you, Brian?”

“Get what, old man?” Brian yelled cruelly, beyond frustrated with what he thought were only mind games.

“You really think that your untimely death affected no one negatively? You think that what you saw in that studio wasn’t real?” Vic spoke tiredly now, “You really do?”

Brian raised his hands up in the air and then put them down, thinking about Vic’s words. “Look. No matter what happens with me, Justin ends up hurting right? No matter if I live or die he ends up having a shitty life. So what choice do I have then? I’d rather be dead than see him hurt and let him have to deal with me and all the pain I’ll cause him. I’ll be an invalid, Vic. Do you know what that’s…” Brian stopped talking when he saw the hurt look on Vic’s face.

“I know exactly what it’s like, Brian,” Vic grinded out through clenched teeth. “I know what it’s like to have my older sister take care of me at forty years old like I was an infant! I know what it’s like to have something boiling inside you, a time clock counting the days until you die. I know what it’s like. I didn’t want to meet anyone I might love because I was afraid that when I died or disappointed them I’d hurt them even more. I know what that is like better than you do, Brian. But I also know that I’d go through that all again to know that Debbie and I could laugh one more time together. I’d go back and watch my partner die of AIDS rather than me suddenly die of an unexpected heart attack and leave him all alone. I would, Brian! I would do it because those moments of happiness with them, the life we lived together, it was worth all the hurt. They know that and I know that. I showed you what Justin turned out like because he was, by far, affected the worst by your death. But he wasn’t the only one. Your entire family’s lives have changed for the worse, Brian.”

“No!” Brian roared in protest.

“Yes, Brian! Because you couldn’t allow Justin to care for you, to love you as much as you never admitted that you loved him. I’m not a coward, Brian. I took that chance on love!”

Tears spilled abruptly down Brian’s face as Vic screamed at him. He didn’t want anyone to hurt because of him. No one. Not Justin. Not Gus. Not Michael. None of his family. Because, that’s all his biological family had ever done to him. Hurt him… always. Physically, mentally, emotionally, he was always in pain. Always, until he built up the walls around himself. He didn’t let anyone in, not really. There was always something separating them from him, until Justin. And the last thing he would ever want is to hurt Justin or his real family. But they’d be hurt whether he lived or died.

Everything had all changed because of Justin Taylor. Meeting Justin Taylor changed his life and everyone else’s. He was close to Michael, Debbie and Vic before Justin, but he didn’t have all the other attachments he’d created until Justin had made him become a better man. Justin had made him strive to love and care for his friends and that’s why they were in pain when he’d died. They were in pain because they knew Brian loved them and they would miss him. Brian affected their lives for the better. If he’d never met Justin then Justin wouldn’t know what he was missing. Justin would go to Dartmouth as his father wanted. Justin would have gone back home the night on Liberty that they met. Justin told him that later that first night. Had Brian not walked toward him and picked him up, Justin would have gotten into a cab and headed back to his friend’s house for the night seconds later. And Brian would still have his walls. His friends never would have cared enough about his life to care that he died.

“Maybe Justin shouldn’t have ever met me then, Vic?” Brian said aloud. He wiped the tears from his face. His heart broke. “Make it so that Justin and I never met, Vic! I want to make so that we never met at all. I’d never have the chance to hurt him.”

Vic heard Brian’s inner dialog. He knew this was the last chance. If he didn’t show Brian the reality of what Brian would need to do with his life, than Brian was damned. “You sure you want that?”

“Yes,” Brian pleaded. “Yes.”

“You and Justin never met, Brian.”

As Vic said the words, tingles started to take over Brian’s body. Brian faded in and out of color and he stood, once again near a familiar plot in the graveyard. Only, it wasn’t snowing. It was cold and the ground was wet but there wasn’t snow on the dirt-covered mound beside Brian and Vic.

Though, a bouquet of daisies and the same teddy bear sat on the mound of earth.

“This is the past,” Vic whispered.

“I still died?” Brian asked, turning toward Vic.

Vic shook his head no and pointed at the place marker in the ground. “This is in the past, Brian.”

Brian read the writing on the tombstone repeatedly before it sunk in. “Justin,” he whispered.

“He never met you. You weren’t there to save him from being bashed at his prom,” Vic told him.

Brian turned his glassy green eyes and glared at Vic. “If he didn’t walk me out to the jeep then he wouldn’t have been bashed!”

“That’s not true, Brian,” Vic told him, choked with emotion himself. “He went out to the parking garage to have a cigarette. Justin hadn’t come out to his school yet, that’s true. However, Chris Hobbs harassed him ever since they experimented together one night at Chris’s house. Justin was uncomfortable with it and Chris wanted more. He told Justin that he’d tell the whole school. Justin knew no one else who was gay, and he was terrified about what would happen if anyone found out. He had no one to turn to. Chris blackmailed him and Justin felt lost, confused and scared. He let Chris use him.”

“No! Stop! This isn’t right either, Vic. It’s not!” Brian pleaded.

“I’m sorry, Brian, but it’s true. Chris abused Justin. He raped him, time and time again. Sometimes Justin got off on it, and that made him feel even worse, but he didn’t know what it was like to be with anyone and was so excited that a boy he’d liked for a long time paid any attention to him, even if it was negative. Justin didn’t feel alone, even if Chris forced him, he thought it was better than being the only one. Then one day, Chris’s father caught them together. He told Chris he wasn’t going to pay for a fag to go to college and Chris’ football scholarship only paid part of his tuition. Chris turned it down, went to live with his Aunt and he blamed Justin. He thought Justin had lured him into homosexuality. He hated him and wanted to kill him. Of course, Justin probably would have gotten around to doing it himself sooner or later. But Chris beat him to the punch. He followed him out and when...”

“No, Vic!” Brian cried. “Please! Please! I get it. I don’t want to hear anymore.” Brian dropped to the ground, grabbed the old teddy bear and clutched it to his chest. “I don’t want you dead, Justin!”

Vic sat beside him and put his arm around Brian. “Why, Brian? Why do you care? I can send you back. You won’t even know what happened to Justin. You won’t even have any idea what it is like to live without Justin Taylor. You wouldn’t have been the one to hurt him. And he’d never have to see you and take care of you when you’re sick. He won’t even have the chance to love you. You won’t have to give up whatever life you think you have, to be with him, to make him and yourself happy. Isn’t that what you wanted, Brian? You don’t want Justin’s influence in your life. Right? You don’t want his love to have any power over you. You don’t want your love to have any power over him.”

Brian dug his hands into the wet earth and sobbed. “Nooo... that isn’t what I want Vic. Please help him.”

Vic pulled Brian up against his chest. “Brian. Brian, come on. He won’t matter to you. I can bring you back and no one will be hurting. You can wake up before Mikey has them pull the plug.”

“Noooo… I don’t want to go back like this,” Brian cried. “I don’t want to go back without Justin.”

“But you won’t even remember him, Brian. Your life together will be wiped from your brain. You’ll be the same person you were before he came along,” Vic told him, trying to get Brian to say what he wanted.
 

************

Justin watched from around the corner. He saw Michael leave Brian’s hospital room and walk down the empty hallway. All of Brian’s extended family was furious to find out that Michael wasn’t allowing Justin to say his goodbyes to Brian. But ultimately, it was Michael’s decision. Michael thought he was saving Justin from the grief he felt. No one wanted to jeopardize their opportunity to say their goodbyes to Brian so they couldn’t say much to support Justin. They were overcome with such grief that they figured that Michael would change his mind in due time. None of them however was aware that Michael was going to be giving the orders to take Brian off of life support that afternoon. None of them believed Justin’s furious words when he told them this. They were grief stricken and they thought Justin was panicking.

Justin did know. He’d been sneaking around the hospital and following Michael around, unknown to the other man. He’d heard most of Brian’s condition and Michael’s plans. He always had been good at stalking, especially where Brian was concerned. As soon as Justin saw Michael go through the doors at the end of the hall, he quickly made his way to Brian’s room. He had slipped in the room unnoticed countless times in the last two days. He hoped he’d have the same luck today.

First, Justin took the bouquet of daisies he’d gotten for Brian and placed them on the table beside the bed. He then took his old teddy bear and placed it under the covers near Brian’s hip. “This way they won’t take it away from you when they come,” Justin explained to Brian needlessly.

“Brian,” Justin spoke to the unconscious man. He took Brian’s limp hand in his own. “When they come in here to take you off all of these machines, I need you to stay alive, okay? I need you to keep going because I know you want to live. I won’t accept anything less. If you can hear me, just know that I love you. I’ll never stop loving you.” Justin leaned down and kissed the parts of Brian’s lips he could reach around the plastic tube. He then rained kisses all over his lover’s pale face. “I know you love me too. You don’t have to say it, Brian. I know. Please just stay alive.”

Justin turned and looked toward the door. He heard talking and shuffled footsteps coming from outside. Quickly, he kissed Brian’s hand, released it and moved quickly into the bathroom. He closed the bathroom door, leaving it open only a crack. He had just enough time to do so. Doctor Rhine and two nurses entered the room.

He watched through the opening of the door as the people talked and milled around the room. One by one, they prepared the machines that were keeping Brian alive for shut down. “Stay alive, Brian. Stay alive,” he chanted repeatedly in his head. Tears poured down Justin’s face. He helplessly watched the medical staff turn off the machines.

Justin gripped the doorframe as he felt his knees weaken when the Doctor checked for signs of life and found none. He resisted the urge to cry out when the man called the time of death, wrote it down on the chart and left the room. The nurses turned off the lights in Brian’s room and left, closing the door on his beloved.

Justin waited a few moments and tried to pull himself together. He walked out of the bathroom and looked down at Brian’s lifeless body. “You aren’t really gone Brian, are you?” When Justin heard no response, he sat down on the bed and hugged Brian’s still warm body to his.

“No Brian. Don’t leave me here,” he pleaded. “Don’t do this. I need you here with me!”

A nurse had removed the plastic tube from Brian’s throat, so Justin was able to kiss the breathless mouth. He put all of his love and passion into the kiss.

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