For Richer or For Poorer

Chapter 14 - The Better Side of Worse



You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. ~ Henny Youngman

 

*****

Friday, April 16, 2005

Brian had to admit that Justin had been right about the Lewises. It wasn’t terribly horrible having them live in Pittsburgh. They had only met them for dinner one time and after going live with the new hotel’s commercial, he hadn’t heard from Randall. That was two weeks ago and Randall had extended a future invitation for he and Justin to come to their new home once Irene had the place decorated to her tastes. Brian had silently hoped the woman would take months, but apparently that wasn’t the case. She was now on the phone with Justin talking about the menu for their dinner party.

Brian felt sick as he watched Justin sift through a family recipe book his mother had brought over for him on her second visit with Justin. She had also brought along a card congratulating them on their marriage, a crystal dinnerware set that had been her grandmother’s and three picture albums that Justin had quickly hidden away. That was the day that Justin had stepped over the line they’d both agreed to draw. He’d watched as Justin jumped over that line the moment he his mother told him how proud she was of the life he had with Brian.

At the time, Brian had been so used to Justin’s act that he didn’t think anything of it. But after his mother left, Justin had babbled about how excited he was that his mother trusted him enough to give him the dishes. He starting talking about all the things he wanted to do with his life, his mother’s approval, acceptance and trust vaulting him into believing in himself the way Brian had wanted for him. But it was all wrong. Justin wasn’t supposed to get confidence and hope from a mother who’d abandoned him and who approved of a make-believe life.

Brian had no idea what to do about it so he kept quiet about most of the domestic shit because he didn’t mind the good meals just cooked or the hot sex which awaited him after work every night. He certainly wasn’t going to add marital squabbles into their ‘relationship’ because that would make it all worse if he did address it. He had been sure that at some point Justin would snap out of it but Brian couldn’t wait any longer. He wasn’t ‘so excited’ to see Irene and Randall’s home, not like Justin was, and he didn’t want to sit around all night hearing about it.

The moment Justin got off the phone, Brian tossed aside the magazine he’d been unable to focus on reading due to Justin’s over enthusiastic phone conversation. They hadn’t been out to Babylon or Woody’s all week because Brian had been working late, and after dinner and fucking Justin, he had been too exhausted to go out dancing. Tonight though, he needed something different. More than that, he needed to remind Justin that even though they were married on paper, he wasn’t committed to him and there was no future with them. “Come on, we’re going out,” he said, refusing to look at Justin as he passed by him and walked into the bedroom.

Justin sighed, wondering if he should call and cancel his plans. A few weeks ago he’d enlisted Melanie’s help in understanding the legalities of his court probation and the limitations on him creating and selling art. They learned that unlike what Justin had thought, the limitations focused solely on painted works. As soon as he was able to find a reputable agent to represent him, he would be able to create and sell anything he wanted as long as it was original or labeled as a reproduction. After that was cleared up, he gave into Michael’s constant requests and agreed to meet with him tonight and hash out ideas for an original comic book hero.

However, Brian hadn’t wanted to go out all week and Justin didn’t want Brian to be tempted to fuck some random trick if he weren’t there. It’s not like Justin cared who Brian fucked, really, he didn’t. But only yesterday he and Brian had met at the Liberty Diner for lunch and ran into three different men who worked for the Lewises. One was Randall’s personal driver and the other two worked in their home. They knew on sight who Brian and Justin were and Justin worried that if Brian went out searching for anonymous sex, he might be seen by one of the men and blow apart the charade they’d been painfully performing in public.

Brian glanced into the mirror after he changed into a navy blue form fitting tee and saw in the reflection that Justin was standing in the doorway staring at him. “What?”

“I wasn’t planning on going out tonight, Brian. I was going to stay home and…”

“Of course you were!” Brian turned and pushed past Justin. He grabbed his wallet and keys from the dresser, stuffed them in his jeans pocket and grabbed his boots from the closet.

Justin rubbed the back of his head where it hit the door jam. He knew Brian hadn’t meant to hurt him and probably didn’t realize he had, but it still pissed him off. “Jesus, you don’t have to go all caveman on me!”

This was all the more reason why he had to remind Justin that they weren’t a real couple and never were going to be one. “So are you taking the role of the cave wife now or are you going to tell me you have a headache and can’t fuck when I get back?”

Justin hadn’t thought for a second that Brian would get so upset just because he almost suggested staying home. He hadn’t actually decided but now that Brian was flipping out on him he really didn’t want to be around him, but he didn’t want Brian to ruin everything with his sexual appetite being unsatisfied. “Brian, I’m not some fucking cave wife and if you want a blow job before you go out, all you have to do is ask.”

Brian finished tying his shoes and stood up, walking past Justin as fast as possible. He had to get away from him. It was disgusting how accommodating and subservient Justin was being even after he’d bated him. He’d expected Justin to defend himself but instead he’d offered him a blowjob? He didn’t know Justin Taylor at all.

Justin ran after Brian and grabbed his arm as he opened the door, pushing him against the wall beside it. He slid up against his body and spoke in a forced sexy drawl, “Brian, just wait a few minutes. I wanted to explain about tonight and it’s still early, you have time. You can fuck me if you want before you go out.”

Bitter saliva formed in Brian’s mouth as he looked down at Justin who was batting his dark eyelashes and pressing his crotch against his leg, practically humping him. Justin was using sex and not because he wanted it. He knew this, despite Justin’s advances because with such a large cock, it was impossible for Justin to hide an erection and Brian felt nothing hard against his inner thigh except the zipper of Justin’s pants. “You’re such a pussy,” Brian gritted out, pushing Justin away from him. He pinned him with a piercing glare and before he could think twice the words were spilling from his mouth, “When life doesn’t go your way you immediately fall back on whoring yourself. You can offer your holes for me to use all you want and I might just take you up on it once in a while, but no matter how good your job skills are, you aren’t ever going to make me into your perfect Stepford husband to make your Mommy and the Lewises proud, so strop trying!”

Brian left and Justin stared at him in shock as the elevator descended. It wasn’t until the man was completely out of sight that the impact of the conversation hit him. He slid to the floor against the wall, brought his legs up to his chest and curled in on himself, determined not to cry. He counted inside his head, busying his mind with thinking of that instead of Brian’s outburst. In such a short time, he’d forgotten himself, forgotten how to take care of himself and so easily slid back into the roll of a naïve kid.

“Justin? Shit, man are you all right? Where’s Brian?”

Justin jumped at Michael’s sudden appearance beside him and realized that he hadn’t even bothered to close the door. He had gone from counting to doing math equations so he had no idea how long he’d been sitting there, but with the way his ass felt it had to be a while. “I’m… I’m all right,” he said, using Michael’s outstretched hand to hoist himself to his feet. “Thanks.”

Michael shut the door behind him and instructed, “Better set the alarm.”

Justin walked over and keyed it in.

“You shouldn’t leave the door open and unlocked like that, Brian would…”

“I’m not gonna just let someone come in and rob him, Michael,” Justin said through clenched teeth, walking toward the kitchen.

“That isn’t what I was going to say,” Michael replied, his eyes filled with worry as he gazed at Justin. “I was going to say he would feel horrible if something happened to you. That latch is faulty on the front door, how do you think I got in here? Anyone could come in here and god knows Brian has had dozens of visitors leave this place angry.”

Justin didn’t know how to respond to that because as it seemed, Michael thought Brian cared a whole lot more about him than he obviously did. Though it was mildly comforting to know he wasn’t the only one who had misinterpreted Brian’s behavior. He turned and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and asked, “Want a water?”

“I’m fine,” Michael said. He took a seat on the sofa and waited for Justin to join him before he said, “But you’re not fine. What got you so upset?”

“My own stupidity,” Justin said. He grabbed his sketchbook and pencil off the coffee table. “I’m a fucking idiot. So… you want to work on the comic book idea?”

Michael reached out and placed his hand on Justin’s knee. “Listen, whatever Brian did…”

“Don’t, okay?” Justin brushed away Michael’s hand. “I fucked up. It wasn’t him.”

Michael doubted that. “How did you fuck up?”

“I doubt Brian would like me discussing this with his best friend.”

“I’m your friend too,” Michael insisted. “We may have had a bit of a rocky start, but we’ve gotten to know each other well over the last couple of months and believe me when I say, I know the Brian Kinney just fucked me face, and you’re wearing it. So spill, what’d the asshole do?”

“It really wasn’t him,” Justin insisted. “Brian’s pissed and yeah, he upset me but…”

“But?”

“I’m a fucking idiot, Michael. He’s trapped and he may think it’s because of the contract with Lewis Hotels but it’s because he feels pity for me and...”

Michael laughed. “Brian doesn’t feel pity for you. Believe me. He wouldn’t waste his time on that.”

“Michael,” Justin sighed, “you don’t understand.”

“No, I certainly don’t understand how you two could get married for all the wrong reasons, but you did and now you have to deal with it.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Justin muttered. “The thing is, we aren’t dealing with it. I’ve… I’ve let the happiness I’ve felt infect everything in our lives.”

“I’m sorry,” Michael said, “but how is allowing your happiness harming your and Brian’s lives?”

“Because he thinks I’m trying to turn him into a Stepford fag. He blew up at me tonight because I didn’t want to go out with him.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “Well, he was there at the diner for lunch when we made plans for tonight.”

“Well he forgot and he wouldn’t let me explain and then when I offered to give him a blowjob or to have sex before he left, he…” Justin had to tread carefully on how he explained this because Michael knew nothing of his prostitution. “He made it out like I wanted him to fuck me just so he wouldn’t go out fucking anyone else.”

“Well… that’s not a bad idea since those gay guys that work for Lewis go to Woody’s and Babylon all the time.”

“I know.” Justin put his hands over his face and scrubbed at his tired eyes. He hadn’t cried, but his eyes still felt like he had.

Michael sucked in a deep breath of surprise as he realized what Justin wasn’t saying. “But that was the truth. You didn’t want him to fuck anyone else but you.”

Justin dropped his hands and twisted them nervously as he looked away from Michael and nodded.

“Jesus,” Michael gasped, “you’re in love with him.”

“No!” Justin protested. “I’m not… it’s just… I didn’t want him to fuck things up for Kinnetik and I didn’t want him to…”

“You didn’t want him to break your marriage vows because you’ve started to believe they were real. They feel real to you.”

“God, Michael, what am I going to do? This wasn’t supposed to happen? Now he feels trapped and I guess I’ve been acting all domestic because I was so lost in the act. My mother, she’s so proud of me and she hasn’t been proud of me in years and even my dad, when I talked to him last night on the phone, he told me that he was glad I’d met someone who loved me because my mom told him, ‘it’s obvious how much he loves Justin’ and I…”

“You wanted to believe it,” Michael finished what Justin was unable to speak. “Who wouldn’t want to? Especially when he’s so good at pretending too.”

“You should’ve seen me, Michael,” Justin said through a pathetic sounding laugh. “I was sharing recipes with Irene Lewis and in my head I was planning what I’d serve for our next dinner party. I almost invited her, here to Brian’s home without even asking him. He wouldn’t have been able to get out of it because he would’ve felt obligated to be there. I’m ruining his life, Michael.”

“You’re definitely not ruining his life. You know, he doesn’t have to act like your husband when it’s just us around. He treats you no different when you guys come to dinner at ma’s house than when he eats with you in the diner or takes you to Babylon. That would confuse anyone into thinking that he’s happy. Which I think he is, but you may be right about him feeling trapped, only I don’t think he feels like that because he wants out of the arrangement. It’s because he’s scared shitless that he doesn’t ever want out.”

Justin burst out laughing, almost hysterically. “Stop, Michael. Really, I appreciate you being a good friend and trying to not make me feel like such a dumbass, but that is just ridiculous. Hell, you’re the one who always tells me all the stories about how different Brian was before I met him. I’ve carried the act into private and he had every right to be pissed with me. There were a few things he said that he shouldn’t have, but come on, Brian had seen the way I’d been acting and it freaked him out because he doesn’t want to lead me on and when this is all over, he isn’t going to want a boyfriend, let alone a husband.”

Michael didn’t know what else he could say to Justin. Honestly, he didn’t want to encourage him when it was possible that Brian would never change, even if he returned Justin’s feelings, he may never admit it. The least he could do is help Justin understand why Brian had the views on relationships and love that he did. “I’m sure you’ve heard references to Brian’s childhood, right?”

Justin gulped and nodded. “Your mom told me that his parents abused him.”

Michael nodded. “Verbally, emotionally, physically…it was like they just had no other way. There were times that Brian would show up at my house in the middle of the night, bleeding, with a sprain, fracture or broken bones. He got his nose broken so many times that he learned how to set it himself.”

“Debbie didn’t go to the police?” Justin asked.

“Brian begged her not to, even the times that we took him to the hospital, he’d just tell them that he got roughed up by some bullies in the neighborhood who didn’t like him. Besides my mom and me, he spent his entire childhood in fear of the people who were supposed to love and protect him. His mother was, is a drunk who believes he got cancer as a sign from God that he could change his homosexual ways. His dad, he was a drunk too and hit his mom and sister anytime he was pissed at himself for being such a piece a shit. When Brian was an adult, he still had this hold on him. No matter how good Brian did in school as a kid, no matter how great a career Brian had, his father never told him he was proud of him, he just used him for his money.”

“Why?” Justin had known a little about Brian’s past but he just couldn’t place the person Michael was talking about with the man he knew.

“Because no matter what, no matter how many times he failed to get it, Brian wanted his father to love him. And after Jack Kinney died, he realized that wasn’t ever going to happen and then his mom goes and tells him that he got cancer because he’s gay… so you can imagine how this would make him believe that love is bullshit.”

“But he loves you and Gus and the rest of the family,” Justin said. “He has to believe in love.”

“He loves us, yes, he’s accepted that, but there are times that I think Brian still doesn’t believe we love him.”

“But it’s so obvious that you do, even if at times I think you guys let him off the hook too easily.”

Michael smiled. “You’re right about that. It’s a bad habit we’ve all gotten into because as strong as he looks, Brian Kinney is fragile and we’re all a bit subconsciously afraid of breaking him if we push him too hard. But you, Justin, I think you’re good for him and you might actually be able to do what none of us has been able to do.”

“What’s that?” Justin doubted there was anything he could do for Brian in two months that his family couldn’t with years of trying.

“Make him believe that you love him and that he deserves to be loved by you.”

Justin’s eyes widened. “No way, Michael. Didn’t you hear me before? Brian doesn’t want that with me. He really doesn’t. He’s pissed just thinking that I am enjoying being married to him. Can you imagine how furious he’d be if I declared my love for him and he had to go on living with me until the divorce knowing that?”

Michael’s smile widened. “So you do love him?”

Justin lightly punched Michael’s arm. “Shut up, I was speaking hypothetically.”

“Uhuh, sure you were,” Michael laughed out.

“Really, Michael. Brian has made it abundantly clear what he wants and needs and that isn’t me loving him and it certainly isn’t me prancing around in private pretending like our marriage is anything more than what we agreed it would be. So forget about all the other shit.” He opened his sketchbook and showed Michael the page filled with different renderings of the hero he’d drawn. “What do you think?”

Michael bit his lip to refrain from telling Justin that the ‘hero’ looked almost identical to Brian. “I like him.”

Justin had noticed Michael’s hesitation. “Really?”

Michael nodded enthusiastically. “Really. I like this one the best.” He pointed to the image that had slashes through the torso of the costume. “Now, we need to come up with his name because his name is the first part of his personality and we’ve got to have that before we come up with a story.”

Justin yawned, “You’re the one with all the comic book knowledge. What do you suggest?”

Michael looked back up at Justin. “I suggest that you go to sleep.” He didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed the circles under Justin’s eyes before. “You look exhausted.”

“I can work for a little while,” Justin said and then yawned once again.

Michael closed the sketchbook and placed it on the coffee table. “I don’t think so.” Michael stood up and grabbed Justin’s hand, making him stand. “We’ll get together again and do this when you’re not tired and your brain is fresh. What are you doing tomorrow night?”

“Well, I’m going to my dad’s for dinner,” Justin answered, giving in to the fact that he was exhausted. He followed Michael over to the door.

“Oh right, you were telling mom about that yesterday. So it’s the first time you’ll see him since you lived in Chicago?”

It was much more complicated than that. “Yeah, he’s been really busy with his business and with his schedule and with Brian’s schedule we just couldn’t…”

“You’re taking Brian?” Michael interrupted in surprise.

“I don’t know about that now. I may just tell him to stay home. I don’t want him to have to put on the act more than he has to.”

“But this will be your first time you see him after years. You need support.”

“I’ll be fine,” Justin assured, opening the door for Michael. “How about Sunday night?”

“Dinner at Ma’s,” Michael reminded.

“Right. Monday?”

“That works for me. I close the shop around six, I can come over after that if you don’t think Brian will mind us working here.”

“He’ll probably be working late anyway. He hasn’t come home before nine this whole week, other than today, which was still after eight.”

“All right, I’ll see you Sunday and if Brian doesn’t care I’ll see you here on Monday night. If he does care we can always camp out in the back room of my shop. I’d suggest that first but I’m doing inventory this week and it’s a little cramped.”

Michael encircled him in a hug and kissed his cheek before walking out. “Good luck at your Dad’s tomorrow.”

Justin was surprised at Michael’s goodbye hug and kiss, he usually only ever did that with Brian. He hoped that after he did what he had to do, Michael would still be his friend. “Thanks, drive carefully.” Justin closed, locked the door and set the alarm. He turned out all the lights, undressed and crawled under the covers, feeling melancholy and just as alone as he’d felt before he’d met Brian Kinney.

 

*****

“You need to go home.” Michael jerked Brian away from the guy he was dancing with and gripped his wrist tightly, leading him toward the exit.

“What the fuck, Mikey?” Brian was drunk, but not drunk enough to have to be led around by his friend.

“I need to talk to you now and I can’t even hear myself think in here!” Michael yelled back at him, still pulling on Brian.

Brian reluctantly followed Michael, but only because he knew that if Michael had resorted to dragging him out of Babylon, the reason had to be important. “All right, what?” he asked once they were outside, wrenching his arm away.

Michael pointed to his car across the street. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”

Brian stopped walking and started laughing. “Like hell you are!”

Michael put his hands on his hips and glared at his friend. “Brian, come on, get in the car I need to talk to you and I’m not doing it out here.” He motioned to all the men waiting in line at Babylon whose gazes were fixed on them.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Fine. But you’re not takin’ me to the loft. You can take me home.”

Michael shook his head. “All right, whatever. Now come on.”

Brian followed Michael across the street, happy when he only stumbled twice on the way to the car. He got into the passenger seat and immediately started bitching, “Fuck, how do ya’ move this thing?”

“The seat?” Michael asked, slamming his door and starting the car.

“Yeah, this thing,” Brian said, his fingers fumbling with the buttons on the side of the seat. “It’s too small in here.”

Michael sort of thought Brian looked and sounded adorable right then. He took pity on him and hit the button that scooted the seat as far back as it would and then adjusted it so Brian could lie back a little.

“It’s like a rollercoaster, Mikey,” Brian exclaimed, grinning.

Michael shook his head and felt hopeful. He figured that a happy drunk Brian was better than a depressed or angry one. He pulled out of the parking space and headed toward the 24 hour Dunkin’ Donuts. “Let’s get some coffee.”

“Init’ a little late for you to be out?” Brian teased, searching his pockets for his cigarettes.

Michael refused to be baited. He turned on the radio, hoping that would keep Brian occupied until he could get some coffee in him. Coffee seemed to be a miracle cure for whenever Brian was drunk or high. Judging by Brian’s state of drunkenness, Michael guessed it’d take one extra-large espresso, two Danishes and a shower to have Brian back to normal.

“I liked that song, Mikey,” Brian whined when his friend turned off the radio.

Michael shook his head. “I can’t order with that blasting,” he replied, while rolling down the window.

Brian crossed his arms and mumbled, “S’gonna be over by the time you’re done.”

Michael ordered the espresso for Brian, an orange juice for himself and three strawberry-cheese Danishes and turned the radio back on, but kept the volume on low. “Look the song’s still on.”

“It’s almost over anyway,” Brian muttered.

Michael paid for the order, put the drinks in the cup holder and took out his Danish before giving the bag to Brian. “Eat.”

Brian peered inside the bag and smiled. “I love these.” He went about stuffing the entire sweet confection into his mouth in one bite and moaned, “Goooood.”

Michael was surprised that Brian wasn’t bitching about not eating carbs after seven. Even drunk, Brian would at least try to protest so Michael figured Brian must really need the comfort food. He started off back toward the loft. “So, you must’ve forgot that me and Justin made plans to work on the comic tonight.”

Brian chugged his espresso, washing down his food. “Huh?”

“I was at the loft before I came to Babylon. Me and Justin planned to work on the comic yesterday at lunch,” he explained. “When I showed up, he was pretty upset.”

“It isn’t my fault he changed the rules!” Brian threw the second, half-eaten Danish out of the window. “Now, he wantsa’ be just like you and Ben.”

“Brian, I talked to him and believe me, he knows that he got caught up in everything and he knows you’re angry about it. But he wasn’t trying to stop you from going out and getting laid…”

“I didn’t fuck no one and it’s not ‘cause of him. That guy I was dancin’ with is good ole’ Randall Lewiseseses’s driver. His hubby’s visiting friends so he thought we’d be good dance partners so we didn’t get in any trouble since my hubby couldn’t go out.”

Michael patted Brian’s leg. “Really, was it so bad not tricking?”

Brian looked at Michael as if he’d grown two heads.

“All right, so it sucked, but Justin’s amazing at sucking in a good way, isn’t he?”

“When did I tell you that?” Brian asked.

“You just did,” Michael laughed. “I think that you could’ve hired some discreet hustlers if you really wanted to fuck anonymously, but you haven’t.”

“Cause he’s always home, baking and cleaning even though I have a sssservice!”

“It really bothers you that he actually likes living with you, doesn’t it?”

“Why would he? Why would anyone?” Brian asked, his words soft.

“Maybe, because he actually cares about you, maybe he even loves you and loves the life he has with you, even if it’s not what you two planned. Just because you married for the wrong reasons it doesn’t mean that you can’t stay married for the right ones.” Michael pulled up outside of the loft and parked the car.

Brian thought intently. “Love, you think he’s stupid enough to fall in love with me? It’s not me. He’s gone from living in a shit hole with no friends and a shitty job to living the life of a good wife, that’s what he loves.”

“Brian, look at me,” Michael demanded.

“What?” Brian groaned, looking at his friend.

“Justin knows that he’s gone overboard, but do you really blame him? I don’t know what kind of life he left in Chicago, but I’d guess it was really bad if he’d marry a stranger to get out of it and it had to be pretty overwhelming.”

“So?”

“Don’t play dumb. I think you know what Justin left and I know you don’t ever want him going back to it. You want him to stay with you but you don’t want him acting like the ‘suzy homemaker’ he has been, am I right?”

Brian shrugged. “Maybe.”

“Well I think he gets that now, so maybe you should relax and see if things change. People can do domestic things without it meaning that they’re trying to be a… what have you called me? A hetero-wanna be?”

“Yup,” Brian said, grinning. “That’s it.”

Michael laughed. “Well, I still suck cock and take it up the ass. Just because I like gardening and cooking it doesn’t mean I’m trying to be a heterosexual, it means I have other interests than fucking, and Justin does too. Take it easy on him, Brian. He was really upset and he’s terrified of you thinking you’re trapped with him. He doesn’t want to trap you, he just got caught up in everything and he knows he did and he didn’t mean to. It doesn’t mean that he wants you to be some breeder husband. He’s just trying to live through this arrangement with you the best he can.”

“You all done?” Brian asked. There were few things he hated more than Michael lecturing him and realizing that he was right.

“I am, until you fuck up again. Now go inside, take a shower and let Justin know that he isn’t ruining your life and that you’re sorry for queening out on him for not going to Babylon.”

“Sorry’s bullshit,” Brian grunted.

Michael rolled his eyes. “Then apologize in the only way you know how.”

Brian leered at Michael. “You want me to fuck him?”

“Whatever works,” Michael laughed.

Brian kissed Michael, grabbed his espresso and got out of the car. He looked up at the top floor and saw all the lights were off, which was a good thing, because that probably meant that Justin was already asleep. He had shit to think through and he needed some sleep before they talked.

 

*****

Justin woke, startled when something wet sprinkled onto his chest. He opened his eyes and saw Brian was hovering above him naked and smelling shower fresh. He rubbed his eyes to clear the sleep from them and when he opened them again he broke out in goosebumps from the intense stare Brian was giving him. If Brian thought he could leave the way he did and come home to use him…

All thoughts of denying Brian fluttered to the far recesses of Justin’s brain as his lips were kissed, so slowly and tenderly that his toes curled. His eyes closed and his legs spread, inviting Brian to lie between them, but the other man didn’t move. Justin was growing breathless as the kiss went on, Brian holding the back of his head with one hand, the only connection their bodies shared besides their kiss.

Brian broke away, scooted away from Justin and observed him through lust-blurry eyes. Justin’s head was tilted toward him, blinking rapidly and looking dazed. He scanned Justin’s body, most of it hidden under the duvet, his legs bent apart, his hard-on tenting the covers. Perfect, Brian thought, having him in my bed is perfect. If he was half-way sober but those thoughts wrenched all the alcohol’s affects out of his system. He didn’t know what love was, if it could really be described, but there was some heavy feeling within him that refused to leave him every time he saw Justin. He was terrified of it, didn’t know if he could ever tell Justin what he felt, but he wanted to.

Justin wondered what Brian was debating with inside of him. Did he not want to have sex with him? “It’s okay,” Justin whispered, lifting the duvet. “I know you didn’t mean it.” Sure, he was letting Brian off the hook, but none of that mattered. It’d all change soon anyway.

Brian’s eyebrows creased together as he crawled toward Justin and settled between his legs. He dropped down so his upper body laid against Justin’s soft, warm skin. His head fell in between Justin’s shoulder and neck and he sniffed his scent. He smelled like charcoal and lemonade and it made him laugh.

“What?” Justin asked, pulling Brian’s head up.

“Nothing,” Brian muttered and then kissed him again, just as he had before.

Their desire took over and they started humping against each other, cocks smashing between their bellies, drawing out drops of pre-cum, while their kiss turned deeper, more demanding on both sides. Justin reached back and grabbed a condom and lube and placed it in Brian’s hand. “I need you,” he whispered.

Brian had called Justin subservient because he didn’t fight with him, but he knew that Justin would fight if he wanted. He had been so relieved though when Justin hadn’t denied what they both wanted just because he was angry with him, which he had every right to be. Brian still could hardly believe he’d said those terrible things to Justin. Justin didn’t deserve them. He wasn’t a hetero-wanna be and he wasn’t subservient, he was smart and he was forgiving and who wouldn’t love that about someone.

As Brian placed his cock against Justin’s hole and pushed just the head inside, Justin’s back bowed and he shuddered under him, moaning a beautiful noise that made Brian even harder. He wondered why he’d ever want to tear down such a beautiful man, why he’d want to change him when he was so stunningly perfect the way he was. He knew why, it was because it was his nature and he definitely didn’t deserve a man like Justin.

“Come on,” Justin said, looking into Brian’s eyes and placing his hand in between their bodies, on the shaft of Brian’s cock. “Come on.”

Brian took Justin’s hand away, pressed their chests together and grabbed onto his other hand, pinning both over his head. “I want you to want this,” he whispered, holding Justin’s eyes.

Justin smiled. “Don’t you feel how much I want it?” he asked in a silly voice. “I’m leaking against your skin.”

Brian nodded and slid all the way inside Justin’s tight warm body. He seated himself there, just as Justin liked, allowing him to get used to the invasion while he peppered kisses all over his face and trailed a tongue around the shell of his ear. “I want you to always want this. I don’t want it to be for any other reason.”

Justin felt crushed as he realized that he’d done something, he didn’t know what, but something big that made Brian think he didn’t want him. What made a man, who was always confident about his sex appeal, think that he didn’t want him? “I want you,” Justin whispered, “I always want you.” He wrapped his legs and arms tight around Brian and rocked up against him, tightening his muscles, doing everything he could to show Brian how much he wanted him.

Brian began to move and he kept the pace slow and languid the whole time, savoring Justin’s body as he fucked him, kissing him everywhere he could reach and touching every place he knew would bring him pleasure. He was determined to focus on Justin’s gratification and show him what he really thought of him, even if it would take all night.
 

*****

Saturday, April 17, 2005

Justin woke to the smell of bacon and was sure he was dreaming. Then, he realized that Brian probably went to the diner and brought back breakfast. His stomach rumbled as he swung his legs to the side of the bed and looked around, eyes adjusting to bright sunshine pouring in through the windows. He stood, stretched and blearily walked down the stairs of the bedroom.

“Morning,” Brian said, smiling and standing in front of the stove.

Justin was stunned at what he was seeing. “Are you… are you making breakfast?”

Brian shrugged and waved at Justin with a spatula. “I do know how to cook. It doesn’t always have to be you that cooks. I kind of don’t mind it.”

Justin slowly walked over and sniffed the air, now smelling the delicious scrambled eggs Brian had in the pan. “Wow.” He was totally confused and that confusion went to worry. He had turned Brian domestic! Was Brian really so desperate to keep the deal with Randall Lewis and keep him content enough to have sex that he had turned domestic!

“What’s the matter?” Brian asked, seeing the worry on Justin’s face.

Justin shook his head and sat down on one of the bar stools. “Nothing.”

“Bullshit,” Brian said, dishing out the eggs on the two plates on the bar. “Are you worried about seeing your dad today?”

“You remember that?” Justin asked.

“It’s a big deal,” Brian replied, placing all the bacon he made on the plate in front of Justin. “Eat.”

“You don’t want any bacon?” Justin asked.

“I ate like five pieces while I was making it.” Brian grinned sheepishly, shut off the burners and took a seat beside Justin.

Justin grabbed his fork and took a bite, it was delicious. “So good,” he praised.

Brian smiled and started eating. “So what time is dinner at your dad’s?”

“Five,” Justin replied, “so I can go with you to Babylon after I get back.”

“You don’t want me to go with you?” Brian asked.

Justin set down his fork and looked at Brian. “I know you don’t want to go. We’re not really married and you shouldn’t have to play the act more than you have to.”

Brian swallowed thickly around the food. He knew that Justin wanted him there and sure, this was an easy out, but did he want an easy out? “Is your sister going?”

“She’s got practice for something,” Justin said.

“So you’re going to see your dad for the first time in years, meet his new wife and your new brother alone?”

“It’s not a big deal.” It was, but Justin didn’t want Brian to give up any more of his life for him.

“It is, you need someone there. Besides what would he think if your husband just didn’t show up?”

“I don’t give a shit what my parents think,” Justin said, irritated. “I don’t mind going alone. Besides, we’ll be getting a divorce soon and I’ll have to hear all their bullshit then anyway.”

“Well, even if we do get divorced, we’ll still be friends. So I’ll come with you.”

“Okay.” Justin went back to eating. Now, he wasn’t just trapping Brian, he was doing things for him out of pity. He and Brian wouldn’t be, the man had told him that. When it was all over and Brian could be free, he wouldn’t think twice about him.
 

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