The Christmas Eves
Chapter Six: “Manic Panic”

December 24, 2007

Brian groaned and rolled over in the bed, burying his face in the pillows, “No, no, no not again. Nothing works, nothing fucking works,” he mumbled.

“Daddy, is Dada sick?” Reaghan asked, worriedly peering at his father from behind Justin’s leg.

Justin looked cautiously at Brian. “I think so, baby boy.”

“Oh no, Dada! Where does it hurt?” Zaira asked, climbing up onto the bed and patting Brian’s disheveled hair.

Brian rolled back over and faced his daughter, but all he could see was the way she'd looked... “No!” Brian shouted, causing Zaira to jump back out of the bed.

“Dada?” Zaira asked worried.

“Dada is sick,” Reaghan said with a pout.

“Brian!” Justin said, alarmed. He set the breakfast tray down on the nightstand and leaned over his lover.

Brian had fallen hard onto his back and put his hands over his face. The loneliness that he felt thinking of going back to the world without his family and the frustration of not knowing what the fuck he was even doing in this warped world were driving him mad.

Justin touched Brian's shoulder. “Brian what's wrong?”

Brian jumped at the contact and tore his hands from his face. “What are you doing?” he shouted.

Justin jumped back and turned to address his children who looked like they were close to crying. “Go play, okay? Dada isn't feeling good and you guys don't want to catch it and be sick on Christmas, do you?” Justin hoped the mention of Christmas would brighten their darkened glassy eyes.

“No,” Zaira said.

Reaghan stuck his thumb in his mouth. “No,” he answered around it.

“Please, please, please tell me what I'm supposed to do?” Brian asked staring up at the ceiling.

“Go on, guys. I'll make sure Dada is okay,” Justin said with a forced smile. He really had no idea what was wrong with Brian. He'd never seen him act this way.

Zaira grabbed Reaghan's arm, making his thumb pop out of his mouth. “Come on.”

The children disappeared out the door and Justin went behind them to lock it. He was pretty sure that whatever was wrong with his husband wasn't anything medicine would fix. 'Has Brian had a mental breakdown?' he wondered. “Brian, what's going on?”

“Just go,” Brian said sitting up and glaring at Justin. “I'll live.”

“You really freaked me out,” Justin moved to sit beside Brian but the older man suddenly bolted out of the bed.

“What?” he said in a mock laugh. “You?” Brian started to pace the floor in front of Justin.

“You yelled at Zaira,” Justin told him. “You haven't acted like yourself for a long fucking time, but that was...” he trailed off not knowing what to say.

Brian walked up to Justin and stared at him, “I'm a bad father.”

“What?” Justin said stepping back away from him.

“I'm a bad father, Justin! I'm just like...”

“You aren't like him, Brian! You aren't,” Justin protested.

“You don't fucking mean that. I know you don't,” Brian could feel tears fall down his cheeks as he spoke. “I'm a bad husband too.”

Justin walked closer to Brian, put his hands on the man’s shoulders, and looked up at him. “Brian? Honey, what is it?” he asked in a soft voice.

Brian held his chin up and refused to look down at Justin; his entire body was trembling from the opposing emotions barreling through him.

“Whatever it is...”

Brian pushed Justin away from him, “Whatever it is? I don't even fucking know what IT is?”

Justin bit his lip trying to fight off his own tears. “What's got you so upset, Brian? Did you have a nightmare? I don't understand...”

Brian grabbed Justin by the shoulders. “The last year of my fucking life has been a nightmare, especially the last three days! I don't understand any of it either, Sunshine; you're not alone!”

Justin thought he and Brian had made progress the last three days. The man had even come home early and they'd spent time together watching movies and doing last-minute Christmas shopping. He was so sure that this morning was going to be perfect. He thought that Brian would actually be happy when he opened the card. He'd been a fool. “Stop it, Brian!” Justin yelled back and tried to push Brian away from him. “You're hurting me.”

Brian released Justin. “That's all I do though, isn't it?” He turned away and started to pace as he ran his hands through his hair. “Nothing I do is right! Nothing works!”

Justin was trembling in fear. He wasn't afraid of Brian; he was afraid of whatever it was that was hurting his husband. “You don't always hurt me,” he tried to reassure the older man.

“Don't lie to me, Justin. Instead, why don't you tell me the truth!” Brian stopped once again and stared at Justin with his hands waving in the hair. “Nothing I do will ever work for you. It's all going to end up the same no matter what I do.”

“Brian,” Justin tried to move toward Brian but the older man had started to rant again.

“You don't love me anymore, do you?” Brian asked. “I've fucked everything up and I always have so why don't you just tell me! Admit what I know you've been thinking and maybe then this will all be over with for good.” Brian backed up against the bathroom door and started to slide down it to the ground.

“No, Brian! I don't want that,” Justin pleaded; he couldn't stop his tears now as he slowly walked over toward his lover.

“You do. I know that now. You aren't supposed to be with me. I can do nothing for you, Justin,” Brian spoke, his hair a mess and sticking to his forehead and face from the sweat and tears.

“That isn't true, Brian,” Justin sank to the floor and crawled his way over. “You've given me so much but you've gotten lost this past year. But you still gave me something wonderful, Brian.” Justin reached out, grabbed his husband’s hand, and put it on his stomach, “I'm...”

“No!” Brian roared as he disengaged his hand and stood up. He couldn't bear to think about that! He couldn't! He would lose it all anyway, right? He didn't want Justin to tell him. He wished he'd never fucking known in the first place.

Justin looked up at Brian. “Brian, please I need to tell you...”

Brian glared down at Justin. “I don't want to hear any more bullshit, okay? I'm not sick; I just finally fucking see what the point of all this is.”

“What's that?” Justin dared to whisper as he struggled to his feet.

“You, this...” Brian waved his hands around the room. “This is my own personal hell.”

Justin felt like he'd been sucker punched in the gut and had to lean against the wall, “You don't mean that.”

“What else could this be, Justin? Or do you know? Is this how you planned to get back at me for all the ways I've fucking wronged you?”

'He knows.' Justin thought as he bowed his head and wiped his tears. 'He knows I'm pregnant and he thinks I got pregnant to get back at him?' This thought only made all of Justin’s feelings pulse and run with anger. “This IS your fault!” Justin spat, gaining strength and his composure.

“Well there, you said it!” Brian laughed.

“You think I did this? You're the one who fucked...”

“Yes!” Brian interrupted. “I fucked up! I made the biggest mistake of my life. And now I'm going to pay for it... for fucking ever!”

“I can't believe you're being like this, Brian!” Justin spat. “I fucking...”

“You hate me, I know! That's why this is happening. It's your own personal revenge. I get it, okay? So just get out. Leave me alone and let me get ready to go to fucking work and live this shitty fucking day already!”

“I never stopped loving you!” Justin said stepping up to look Brian in the eye. “Not until this very moment.”

“Well, I'm glad I could recreate this perfect moment for you,” Brian laughed menacingly before turning and opening the door to the bathroom.

“Don't bother coming to Debbie's tonight,” Justin told him angrily. “I'll make your excuses for you this last fucking time. After all, it's nothing new.”

Brian huffed, “No. It really isn't.”

Justin turned away as the door slammed in his face. He looked over at the bed and wanted to go and crawl in it. He wanted to disappear. His entire life was falling apart! But he knew he couldn't do that, not today. He couldn't spoil the day any more than Brian already had. If he and Brian were over, there was no reason he needed to dwell on it right now. He had to think of his children. It was up to him and him alone now. He'd have to get used to it.

Brian stood in the shower under the hot spray. “I'm ending this now. Everything is just the way it was that day. If I don't try to stop it then it'll have to end, right? Cause I'm not going to try again. And if it ends that way... then it'll put an end to their suffering. Whoever you are that's doing this... I won't let you torture them any more.” Brian fell back onto the bench and sobbed into his hands. “I'd rather be in a hell without them.”
 

***
 

Michael looked out the window onto the back lawn. The whole family was outside playing in the snow as they did every year. Michael had followed Justin back inside after Justin had offered to go in and make hot chocolate for the kids and coffee for the adults. Justin had opted for the chocolate confection and then had gone into the fridge to get out the dessert Debbie had put away.

“Jesus, Justin, that's your fourth piece of gingerbread cake,” Michael said, sitting down at the kitchen table beside Justin.

“I wasn't aware that you were counting,” Justin said dryly in between bites.

“I've just been watching you, that’s all,” Michael commented.

Justin rolled his eyes. “Didn't know I was that interesting.”

“I guess it's not so much fun to play in the snow without Brian here,” Michael said, changing the subject.

“I was having fun with Zaira and Reaghan,” Justin said, raising his brows at Michael and wondering just where this conversation was leading.

“I know,” Michael sighed. “But you guys are usually down on the ground making forts with the kids and this year you barely threw a snowball at anyone.”

Justin took another big forkful and put it in his mouth. “I'm just tired.”

“Have you told him?” Michael asked in a whisper.

Justin swallowed his bite, looked away from Michael and took a drink of milk. He wasn't exactly sure what Michael was referring to. Had Daphne told him about him possibly seeking a divorce or was he talking about the babies? “Told who what?” he deadpanned.

“Have you told Brian that you’re pregnant?” Michael asked softly.

“What are you talking about, Michael?” He really didn't want anyone knowing until the entire divorce was finalized. The added pressure and pity he'd surely get being pregnant and divorced wasn't something he was looking forward to. Not that he was looking forward to any part of the upcoming divorce.

“I saw you coming out of Dr. Rhine's office,” Michael told him.

Justin huffed, “So you have been spying on me?”

“No.” Michael put his hand on Justin's shoulder and Justin winced and moved away from him, but not before Michael saw the pained look on his face. “Justin, what is going on? Are you hurt?”

Justin sighed to himself; he wished he knew what was going on. Brian's moods were always so manic lately. There were either good days or bad, nothing in between. And yes, he was hurt, but not in the physical sense really. He knew though that Brian hadn't meant to squeeze his shoulders so roughly and he had stopped as soon as Justin had asked. But Justin couldn't tell Michael any of that. “Brian and I had some rough sex, Michael. I'm okay.” Justin gave him a reassuring smile and was happy when it seemed Michael had taken the bait.

“Oh, yeah. Well... its just you seem so... so sad and I was worried it was something else. Hell, I know Ben sometimes leaves bruises on my hips...” he trailed off and blushed.

Justin smiled. “I'm going to go call everyone in.”

“Wait, Justin. You didn't answer me,” Michael said.

“I haven't exactly told him yet,” Justin breathed out.

“But why not? Don't you think he'll be happy? Hell, I remember when you were surprised with Reaghan coming along. He was so fucking happy.”

“Brian's got a lot of stuff going on right now and I don't want to add to the stress.” Justin chastised himself mentally for making up another excuse for Brian.

“But having a baby is a wonderful thing. Maybe it will help Brian...”

“What, Michael?” Justin asked exasperated. “What do you think it will help? Will it help him be home more often with his family? Will it help him come to all of the things he has missed of Zaira's and Reaghan's this year? All the things he's going to continue to miss?” Justin felt tears come into his eyes and he put his hands on his hips. “Or will it help him to show up to family dinners on Christmas Eve instead of burying himself in work at Kinnetik and inevitably ruining other people's Christmas too? Will it help him be the father and husband he promised me he'd be? Will it help take away all the pain he caused when he basically told me that he wanted to end our marriage this morning?”

Michael looked at Justin in shock, not sure exactly what to say to the young blond. “I'm sorry, Justin.” Michael walked over and took his best friend's husband into his arms.

“You can't tell him, Michael. I think he knows, but I'm not sure. I don't want him to know. Not now. I don't want anyone to know.”

“Okay, I won't tell,” Michael said. “I promise. I won't say a word.”

Justin wasn't sure when he'd ended up sobbing in Michael’s arms or when the other man had led him up the stairs into his old bedroom. The last thing he remembered was Michael pulling the covers up around him and feeling soothing circles being rubbed on his back as he fell into an exhausted sleep.

Michael stood up from his childhood bed and took a deep breath. He looked down at Justin's tear-streaked face and finally saw all of it there. Justin's eyes had dark, almost black circles under them and he looked so fucking lonely, even in his sleep. He wondered what the hell Brian had done, but then again he knew. Brian hadn't done anything... and that was the problem. The man hadn't been paying any attention to Justin at all.

He went over to the window and looked out again at his happy family playing outside. Everyone was oblivious to the amount of pain Justin was experiencing. He needed to call Brian. He'd promised he wouldn't say anything about the baby, but he would be damned if he'd let his best friend throw away the best things in his life and in turn ruin Justin’s and the children's.

He watched for a few minutes and saw that everyone was starting to come in and so he closed the bedroom door, leaving Justin to sleep while he went downstairs.

“Daddy?” Zaira called from the kitchen where everyone was taking off their wet clothes and boots.

“Your Daddy's upstairs taking a nap, kiddo,” Michael told her.

“Oh, is he sick?” Jennifer asked, worried about her son.

“But what about pwesents?” Reaghan asked. “We are going to open them now.”

Michael looked at the adults who could all sense the tension coming from him, “Why don't you all open up the gifts? Jennifer, you make sure you take some pictures for Justin and Brian.”

“But Daddy can't miss the presents,” Zaira pouted, marching toward Michael.

“Is Daddy sick?” Reaghan asked his grandmother’s question.

Michael sighed and bent down. “He is sick. He ate too much dessert and it made his tummy hurt so he had to go lay down for a nap.”

“Jeffrey,” Michael addressed his son, “why don't you and Reaghan be Zaira's helpers and separate all the presents into piles. You can read the names on the tags, right Zaira?”

“I sure can!” she said proudly.

“Great, you guys go ahead and play Santa and then we'll have some hot cocoa before we open the gifts. Maybe Daddy will be up from his nap by the time you get done.”

The kids all smiled, excited that they got to do something so grown up. “But don't open any of the presents, okay?”

The children agreed and then skipped into the family room. Michael stood up and looked at his family. All eyes were on him.

“What's going on?” Deb asked.

“Is something the matter with Justin?” Lindsay asked worriedly.

“He wasn't acting like himself outside,” Emmett observed.

“He didn't even make a snowman with the kids,” Melanie added.

Michael sighed, “Have you noticed that Brian isn't here?”

“He's never...” Deb trialed off. “Oh.”

“Shit, what's that fucker done now?” Melanie asked shaking her head.

“Quiet, Mel, the kids are right there,” Lindsay told her partner, rubbing Mel's large pregnant stomach.

“Didn't Justin say he had that interview with the Forbes people? Then Brian had to finish the campaign so they could all have the next week off?” Blake jumped in, the dissatisfaction at having his partner Ted not with him clearly evident in his voice.

“That’s what Justin told me when he got to the hotel this morning,” Jennifer confirmed. “But he seemed fine about it. He said he was happy for Brian’s success.”

“But at what cost to his family?” Ben asked.

“Brian's never around anymore,” Emmett said in a whisper.

“Listen,” Michael put his hands on his hips. “I'm going to go up to Kinnetik and talk some sense into Brian, but I need you guys to make sure Justin stays asleep. He's really stressed out about all of this and I think that's what got his stomach so upset.” It wasn't a total lie.

“We've all been ignoring the fact that Brian hasn't been showing up to family functions for far too long,” Debbie said grasping the situation.

“I hate not living close to him,” Jennifer said. “We used to be so close and he’d talk to me about everything but I think he’s been hiding how he really feels from everyone. I thought that when Justin came to the beach house this summer with just him and the kids, things were fine. He said that Brian had emergency meetings and he even said it would be nice to be with just him and the kids and me.”

“It’s not your fault, Jen,” Debbie said. “We see them all the time and we didn’t realize the impact.”

“It's almost five o'clock. There's no reason why anyone should be working this late on Christmas Eve. So I'm going to go talk to Brian, send Ted and Cynthia here and hopefully I won't have to drag Brian here, but I will if I have to,” Michael said, determined.

“You're a good man, Michael,” Ben said going forward and kissing his lover.

“Wish me luck,” Michael said before waving goodbye to his family, glancing one last time at Reaghan and Zaira before going to find their father.
 

***
 

“I'll see you at Deb's in a few, Brian,” Ted said as he passed Brian's office.

“Yeah,” Brian replied noncommittally.

Ted didn't notice. He was just happy to be able to finally leave the office. He was happy though that they'd gotten everything they needed done on the campaign and that Kinnetik would then be closed until after the New Year.

Brian stared at the clock on his computer screen. In six more minutes, as planned, Justin and the children would be killed outside his office at the four-way stop at the corner of the building. He wasn't going to out and watch it. He figured that 'fate' or whatever the fuck was fucking with him would just realize that he was done. He was done with it all.

He didn't want to think about the atrocious pain his children and Justin would be in. He didn't want them to have the fear of knowing they were going to die. He wasn't going to watch the vehicle cross and speed through the intersection and instantly wipe away his family. He couldn't stop it though, he'd realized this. This all had to have just been his ticket on a crazy train through hell.

He thought about what Justin must have thought about yesterday's today, when the murderer had gone into their home. It was obviously just some kind of demon or ghost of a person in this fucked-up world sent to ruin his life, but he was pretty sure that Justin, Jennifer and his children had to have endured their fate in a terrifying way.

He wondered if Justin had to watch Reaghan and Zaira be shot before he himself was shot. Who had been the first? Who had been the last? It didn't matter. Not now, not really. It only served to remind him of his purpose to end it all the way it had the first time.

Only this time he wouldn't be walking out of the office with a smile, happy to be going on his way to Debbie's house and instead seeing the SUV be slammed into. And then watch in agonizing, still clarity as he saw the vehicle turn over and over again, his family bounced and jostled inside as the metal and glass pierced through their bodies and then stand and watch as it burst into flames only a few feet from him.

There had been no screams; there had been no time for any. The other car had hit the SUV with such force into the gas tank it had only been a half a minute before it exploded. The car hadn't even come to a complete stop from its final flip when it had. He'd seen their bodies through the windows for mere seconds before the fire nearly blinded him. Then his life, everything had ended along with theirs. Whatever world he was in now wasn't real and he couldn't make it real enough to make the bad go away.

He looked down at the clock and saw there was one minute to go. He heard a roaring fast engine outside on the street and he held his breath for the sounds that had haunted his nightmares for so long. But the minutes ticked by and nothing came. He sat there and waited and waited and waited... but still nothing and it was four minutes after his family's date with death.

“Fucking son of a bitch!”

“Jesus Christ!” Brian nearly jumped out of his chair at the sound of Michael’s voice.

“Michael?” Brian asked warily at the man standing in his office.

“Idiot driver ran the stop sign. Good thing I have no pick-up in my car,” he said.

“What are you doing here?” Brian asked getting up.

“I should ask you the same question,” Michael eyed him.

“But...”

“Where's Justin?” Brian asked. “The kids?”

“You care?” Michael asked him.

“What are you talking about, Mikey?”

“Don't play dumb with me. I know you asked Justin for a divorce this morning; he told me. But that's fucking bullshit, Brian. You're so into your own bullshit you can't get out. We all may have been ignoring it, not seeing it because we didn't want to get involved in your relationship and Justin seemed to be...”

“Hold up!” Brian said. This was not in the plans at all. He hadn't asked Justin for a divorce that morning or on the morning 'one year' ago. He'd fought with him and pushed him off a cliff the same way he had. He was also sure that Justin hadn't talked with Mikey about their relationship. Mikey wouldn't have tried to be so good to him after their deaths if he had. That Brian was sure of. So what had changed?

“You need to get your ass in gear, Brian!” Michael yelled, refusing to back down. “You need to get up and come home with me right now and go fix things with Justin!”

“Fix things with Justin? What did he tell you?” Brian asked.

“He said that you asked him for a fucking divorce, Brian. What the fuck? Why would you do that? Have you been cheating on him?” He grilled.

“No, Mikey. I haven't been cheating on him and I didn't ask for a divorce,” Brian went to his closet and pulled out his coat and put it on and then went to start gathering up the things for his briefcase from his desk.

“Well, something sure fucking happened. He thinks you want a divorce, Brian.”

“We had a fight, but...” he trailed off. “He talked to you about us?”

“Yeah... he, well he broke down and told me. You don't pay attention to him Brian. The family wasn't paying attention really either. We thought... well, I don't know what. You didn't like us interfering when you first got together so we all tried to stay out of it as you personally asked us to. But we can't anymore.”

Brian didn't say anything. He shut down his computer and grabbed his briefcase and the keys to Kinnetik. He couldn't deny that Mikey was right. He hadn't paid attention to Justin or the kids. He'd failed them. He had.

“He's napping in my old room and we’re just about ready to do present so we need to hurry,” Michael said as they walked out of Kinnetik.

“Is he okay?” Brian asked his friend. Though he knew that after the argument and the way he'd treated his blond there was no way he was close to being okay.

“He will be if you go up and talk to him. Try and sneak in before the kids see you. I'm sure they'd love to see you two come down the stairs together. You know, they sense that something isn't right between their Dads.”

“I know,” Brian said locking the building up. “But I'm still not sure what that is,” he confessed.
 

***

Brian quickly snuck into the house. He glanced at his children who were happily being read a book by Jennifer, snuggled up safe and alive on the couch beside her. He let out a breath of relief as he climbed the stairs.

When he opened the door to Mikey's old room he saw Justin laid curled on his side under the covers, a strand of blond hair held between the fingers of his left hand. He looked so tired, but peaceful at the same time. Brian felt himself grow tired looking at his husband. So, so, so fucking tired. Tired of it all.

Brian took off his coat and shoes and climbed in the bed under the covers behind Justin. He felt Justin stir as he spooned up against him.

“Brian,” Justin croaked out.

“It's me. I'm here. I promise you, Justin. I'm here now,” Brian told him, his lips in Justin's hair. He breathed in Justin's scent and snaked his arms around Justin’s body.

Justin lay stiffly in Brian’s arms. He wanted to revel in the security he usually found when he was wrapped in them, but right now he couldn’t. He was so fucking scared of what would set Brian off again and didn’t want to get his hopes up. “But for how long?” Justin whispered.

Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. “Forever, I promise you.”

Justin turned around in Brian’s arms and felt his lover draw him closer into his strong frame. He stared into Brian’s eyes looking to see if there was any of the Brian from that morning left in him but saw none. He didn’t see the green eyes blazing nearly black; now they were a soft, glassy hazel. “You’ve made me so many promises that you’ve broken,” Justin told him, running his hands along Brian’s shadowed cheeks.

Brian nodded and closed his eyes; his eyelashes fluttered under Justin’s fingertips and he absorbed the feeling of having Justin touch him so tenderly once again. It had been so long. Too long. The passionate kisses they’d shared were wonderful, but this felt so much different. It was so peaceful and his emotions and mind weren’t at war with each other. He was calm. “I want to fix everything, Justin.”

Justin kissed Brian’s jaw and continued to touch Brian as the other man’s hands made their way under his sweater and splayed themselves on the small of his back, a couple of the fingers tucked inside his waistband. He didn’t want Brian to give up on them; he didn’t want to give up on their marriage and he loved Brian. What he’d told him hadn’t been true; he had lied to Brian for the first time since he’d known him. He never stopped loving the man, not for a second. But he couldn’t just forgive and forget without knowing for sure that Brian was going to change. He needed a grand gesture of some kind, because the little things Brian had done to give him hope were so easily taken from him and shattered lately. “How do you think you can fix this, Brian?”

Brian loved having Justin touch and trace his skin with his fingers as though it was the first time and the pads were learning the textures, curves and lines. Brian always felt like Justin was painting an invisible work of art all over his body whenever his lover would touch him, and when he caressed his face like this it was as if he was casting away the darkness within him and coating him in light. It was hard for him to open his eyes again and focus on the conversation he needed to have with his husband. “I don’t know how I can fix this, Justin. I... I know I’ve hurt you worse. So much of what I said this morning I didn’t mean. I was just so confused. You’re right though, I did have a nightmare. In it, you and the kids, you left me. And I deserved it and I know that I deserve it now if that’s what you still want.”

“It’s not what I want, Brian,” Justin quickly told him.

“I’m no good for you.” Brian squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again. “I’m selfish for wanting you to stay with me. I want to be the man that you fell in love with, I want to be who you and the kids deserve but I don’t think I am worthy of that chance to show you. I know I’m not.”

“I know that you are,” Justin said brushing the two tears that had fallen from Brian’s eyes away. “You always were worth the chance, Brian.”

Brian let out a long sigh, “Even with everything I said, everything I’ve done... or I guess I should say everything I didn’t do?”

Justin nodded his head. “I’d give you a million chances as long as you kept wanting them, Brian. Though I hope I won’t need to.”

“You won’t. This is it, I promise you. And I won’t break a promise again,” Brian vowed.

“I said I’d give you a million chances, Brian, and I would. But it’s not only about me. I have to think about the kids and you have to do right by them. They are innocent. They are the ones you disappoint the most and they are the ones you need to make it up to, much more than me.”

Brian leaned down and kissed Justin’s forehead, “I know. I will and I know that I need to make it up to you just as much.”

“Show me you mean it, Brian,” Justin told him softly.

Brian moved and rolled Justin under him so that he was lying on his back. He propped his arms up beside Justin’s head and ran his fingers back and forth along the soft smiling cheeks of his husband. “I love you.”

“I love you, too. I won’t ever stop, Brian,” Justin told him.

Brian shook his head. “Me neither.”

“Brian, I have something I need to tell you. I tried to tell you this morning but I don’t...”

“Daddy, wake uuuuuup... Dada!” Zaira came barreling into the room.

“Dada!” Reaghan giggled, running behind his sister as the both jumped onto the bed.

Brian and Justin sat up just in time to catch the kids in a big group hug. “You’re here!” Zaira said excitedly to her father.

“You aren’t sick, Dada?” Reaghan asked his father, hugging him around the neck.

“No... No, I’m not sick. I feel wonderful!” Brian told him, ruffling his son’s blond hair.

“Do you feel better after your nap, Daddy?” Zaira asked Justin.

“I do, Baby,” Justin, said smiling.

“Well then, it’s time for presents!” Zaira exclaimed, jumping off the bed and onto the floor, bouncing on her toes.

“Yay! Let’s go, Dada!” Reaghan pulled on Brian’s arm forcing him to get up and stand.

Brian pulled Justin along with him. “Come on, Sunshine. It’s Christmas Eve and we’ve got presents to open.”

“Santa’s coming tonight too!” Zaira informed her fathers as they walked down the stairs into the crowded, warm living room.

“Then we better get to open the gifts so that we can get you both in bed before Santa comes, huh?” Justin said, laughing and drawing everyone’s attention to his family.

“Brian!” Jennifer said coming out of the kitchen. “Glad you could join us.”

“Me too,” Brian said giving Jennifer a hug, perhaps tighter than he normally did. “Soooo, where are my presents?” he asked, pulling away.
 

***

“Come on, out of the car and upstairs you two,” Justin said opening Reaghan’s door.

“Are you going to read ‘The Night before Christmas.’ Dada?” Zaira asked yawning as she hopped out of the car.

“Of course,” Brian told her. “Don’t we always read it before Santa comes?”

“Yes, we do!” Reaghan answered.

Once the family was inside they all went upstairs. “Let’s go get you guys in your jammies.”

“Justin, let me help get them ready for bed,” Brian told him. “Why don’t you go and take a warm shower and get in some comfortable clothes. I’ll read them a couple of the other Christmas books while we wait.”

Justin looked at Brian in surprise. “Are you sure?”

“Positive,” Brian told him. leaning down and kissing his lover’s cold cheek.

“I know where the Christmas PJ’s are, Dada,” Zaira told him. “Daddy took us shopping last week at Macy’s and we bought them.”

“I know, Daddy showed them to me. Why don’t you show me where he put them, okay?”

“I bought a couple of different ones,” Justin reminded Brian.

“I know, and tonight you want Reaghan to wear the green ones with the snowman and Zaira to wear the pink ones with the snowflakes right?” Brian asked, remembering what Justin had told him when he’d bought them.

Justin flushed, “Yes.”

“I got it under control; go relax for a few minutes. We’ll be in bed waiting for you.” Brian kissed Justin’s lips soundly before he went after Zaira and Reaghan.

Justin smiled to himself as he walked into their bedroom. Brian had listened to him. He had paid attention to HIM! Things were going to be okay.
 

***
 

“And to all a good night,” Brian closed the book and looked at his family. They were all passed out asleep in him and Justin’s king-size bed.

It had started off as a bad day but it was ending well. It felt so good to be snuggled in with them. Zaira and Reaghan were cuddled together in between him and Justin so Brian had to be careful not to wake them as he got out of the bed.

Justin’s eyelashes fluttered open. “Where are you going?” he mumbled in a whisper, barely able to keep his eyes open.

“Someone’s got to play Santa and eat the cookies,” he reminded Justin.

Justin started to move out of the bed. “Hey, no,” Brian said, going around and pushing Justin gently back down into warm bed. “I’ll do it. You need sleep.”

“Okay,” Justin whispered and clumsily kissed Brian’s lips before curling back around his children and drifting back to sleep.
 

***
 

An hour later Brian re-entered their bedroom. He smiled seeing that Justin and the kids were in the same place they’d been when he left.

He got undressed and put on the dark green silk pajama pants Justin had given him last year. He’d bought Justin red silk ones. He couldn’t believe that he was actually sort of matching Justin’s pajamas. The thought made him smile though, he could care less. It made Justin happy. That’s all that mattered.

Brian eased back into his recently vacated spot and put his arms around his children, his hand finding Justin’s. He stayed awake as long as he could to watch them until his eyes finally closed.

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