The Christmas Eves

Chapter Two: “It’s All in the Past”
 

December 24, 2008

Brian stood at the door to his and Justin’s master suite. One of his arms carrying picture albums and the other stretched out toward the door handle. His fingertips were a hairsbreadth away from the chrome handle, pausing while his mind contemplated whether he was going to be able to turn it and step inside what once had been his and his husband’s sanctuary.

Brian took a deep breath and closed his eyes tightly, trying to will himself the strength that he wasn’t sure would ever be there. Nevertheless, somehow his hand wrapped around the cool metal and turned it. His shoulder leaned into the door and he pushed the intricately carved mahogany wood open.

His hand reached to the wall on the right and he flipped on all four light switches simultaneously. The room was instantly illuminated and it took less than a second for Brian’s eyes to dart over to the king-sized four-poster bed.

The wood no longer shined and there was the start of cobwebs stretching in the corners. It looked like something you’d see in a Halloween movie. However, this was real. He’d allowed their room to get dusty, unused, and stale.

The cranberry duvet, sheets and pillows still sat in disarray. The nightstands on either side housed more photographs of the kids. On the left on Brian’s nightstand there was a silver tray loaded with a plate, a #1 Dad coffee cup, a crumpled-up napkin and silverware still sitting on it.

Justin and the kids had surprised him with breakfast that morning. He’d replayed that morning repeatedly time and time again over the last year. Brian had convinced himself that Justin and the kids had only gone on vacation. That’s how he dealt with it. It was the only way. Until today when someone was obviously forcing him to recognize, finally, what exactly he lost.

He walked over to the chest in front of the bed and sat the albums down on the dusty wood surface before he walked around to the other side of the bed. Justin’s side. He stood and stared at the silky pillowcase that had a light covering of dust on it. He leaned over and picked it up, shaking it off and then bringing it to his face and inhaling.

Brian coughed and drew the pillow away from his face. There was none of Justin’s smell there. He turned and looked at the rest of the bed and groaned. Pain sliced into him and built up rage so quickly within his body. He was angry with himself mostly.

He wasn’t even aware of when he’d started pulling and tearing the bedcovers and pillowcases away. He went into the linen closet, brought out a fresh set of baby blue silk, and started to remake the bed, mechanically. When he was done, he stepped back and gazed down on it for just a moment. It still didn’t look warm and inviting. He realized then that he was absolutely freezing, shaking down to his bones. He turned away from the lonely bed and headed into their bathroom.

The bathroom was also dusty. The marble tile floor was slick as he walked over to the shower and turned the hot water on. It took a moment for the pipes to spit out clear water after sitting unused for a year.

Brian quickly disrobed from his wet clothes, grabbed a fresh towel and a robe from the bathroom closet and placed them on the towel warmer. He opened the shower stall door and got under the hot spray and luxuriated in the feel, leaning his head back against the tile wall and replaying the images of Justin and him making love in this shower over and over in his head.

He leaned over and started to grab his bottle of shampoo and paused, grabbing the almost new bottle of Justin’s French shampoo; it didn’t matter if he was a brunet. He thought of Justin’s smiling face on the day he’d returned home from work with it and the younger man had jumped into his arms and kissed him all over his face.

He’d been fucking up so much of their lives at that point that he was more than a little surprised at Justin’s enthusiasm when he saw the bottle in the bag. It had felt good to see that bright Sunshine smile. Brian knew that he’d hurt Justin constantly. He never stopped, but for those few moments of Justin hugging and kissing him, it almost had seemed like it was melting all those other times away.

Brian finished washing himself and then got out of the shower. He dried off, slipped on the terry-cloth dark blue robe, realizing it was Justin’s, and went over to the vanity to comb his hair. He looked down and saw all of the products that sat on the shelves in the indent of the wall and grabbed Justin’s comb. It still had blond hairs in it. Brian ran the red comb through his hair, intertwining their hair in the comb. He was glad that the mirror was foggy because he wasn’t sure he could handle seeing his reflection; he knew there were tears on his darkened expression.

He looked down and saw Justin’s cologne. Without thinking twice, Brian grabbed it and sprayed himself down with it. Repeatedly he pumped the nozzle, surrounding himself in his husband’s bought scent yet still missing the one that could never be bottled. He fought back the tears once again from his eyes and went back into the bedroom.

Brian looked at the bed and had to close his eyes as the memory of the first time he’d made love to Justin on those very sheets entered his mind.


Flashback

“We’re really going to do this,” Justin said excitedly. He lay in the middle of the bed, his head against the brand new blue pillowcase. They made his blue eyes look even brighter.

Brian knew that he’d never seen Justin happier than he was at that moment. Except for maybe the day of their wedding," You still want to be the one this time around, don’t you?”

Justin smiled even brighter. “Yes. It's just... I’m scared.”

Brian crawled up on the bed and blanketed Justin’s body with his own. “Me too,” he admitted, pulling his lips into his mouth for a moment before smiling down at his husband.

“You’ll make a wonderful father, Brian,” Justin whispered. He leaned up and began kissing Brian's jaw with tiny pecks from his pink lips.

Brian pulled Justin away from him and laid his head back down on the pillow. “You will, but I’m not too sure about me,” he admitted his fears.

“I am,” Justin told him, running his hands up and down Brian’s bare back.

“Well, that makes one of us,” Brian joked.

Justin brought his hands up to Brian’s face and looked him in the eyes. “I know you will,” Justin told him.

“I’ll try my best, Justin. But I’ll have to learn from you.”

“You’re amazing; we’re going to make good parents. Even if it is our first child, I can feel it. We’ll be great.” Justin kissed Brian’s lips soundly. “Both of us.”

"Will you help me?" Brian asked.

Justin looked at him with a confused expression. "With what?"

"Help me be a good father. I'm going to have to learn from you," Brian told him. "I’m serious. You're going to have to make sure, okay?"

"I will, Brian," Justin said softly.

"I know sometimes I can get caught up with my job and stuff. I need you to promise you'll do everything you can to stop me if I don't give you or the kids enough attention."

"Kids?" Justin asked with a smile.

Brian laughed, "You said you wanted four."

Justin's eyes were wide with surprise. "But you said only two."

"I told you that I might like for it to be me one day." Brian's words were soft.

“I thought you were joking,” Justin said. “Are you serious?”

"I've thought about it," Brian said. “Especially now that we’re doing this for sure.”

"You want to carry my baby?" Justin said in a singsong voice. "Really, Brian?"

"How about you have the first three, and then if we want another I'll carry it, okay?"

Justin smiled and nodded. "Let’s not get ahead of ourselves, Brian," he joked. "I think we should make the first and see what raising one is like before committing ourselves to any more," he reasoned.

Brian nodded his head in agreement and then leaned down to kiss Justin. His tongue poked out and teased Justin’s lips as he waited for the boy to open up and accept his appendage.

Justin teased him and tossed his head back and forth, giggling while Brian tried again and again to probe into his mouth.

Brian pulled back and looked at Justin seriously. “Do you not want to do this?” he asked.

Justin laughed at him.

“I’m really fucking hard,” Brian ground their stiff dicks against one another. "I know we’re both on the pill and we were using condoms too. But now just thinking about being inside of you… raw…. its driving me fucking crazy.”

“Oh,” Justin gasped. Brian forced his tongue inside Justin’s mouth, halting Justin’s response.

End Flashback

"Justin," Brian whispered, coming out of his memories. He went and shut off all the lights in the lonely room.

He then walked over, gathered the photo albums and turned on his night table lamp. At first he got in on his side but then he scooted over on Justin's side of the bed. He sat the albums down and then pulled the old duvet and sheets up to his chest before leaning back onto Justin's pillows.

The first album he looked in was a bunch of pictures taken from when he and Justin would take the children to Florida to visit Jennifer. She had a house near the beach and he and Justin had taken so many pictures of the children there.

Zaira was always very cautious of the water and didn't care for swimming. The first time Justin had taken her into the ocean she'd screamed, squealed, and cried so hard that Justin beat himself up after it for a long time. She hadn't gotten any better in the years to come. Zaira didn't like the water and only went to the shore to collect rocks or seashells for her sandcastles.

Reaghan, on the other hand, loved swimming. The first time he had taken him into the water, the boy had giggled and squealed with excitement. He liked going underwater and loved to hang onto his father's shoulders as he swam around. They had to watch him extremely carefully when they were playing on the beach because all he ever wanted to do was swim. He didn't care for making sandcastles. The boy had been a natural swimmer.

Brian realized he hadn't gotten to see Reaghan or Zaira at the beach that last year. He'd been too busy with work and had tried to cancel their plans altogether. Justin, however, had taken the kids anyway. Justin had been so angry with him, and Brian wasn't sure that he was going to come back to him. However, he had.

Flashback

"Daddy! You're home!" Zaira ran down the hall. Brian bent to his knees and she launched herself into Brian's arms. Reaghan came running to him seconds later.

Brian hugged his children and kissed their faces. "You're home!" It was so nice to hold them in his arms. He'd slept at the loft almost every night in the two weeks that they were gone. He only came back out to the house because he needed to get a file he'd left in his office.

"Missed you, Daddy," Reaghan told him, holding onto his neck.

The air shifted in the entryway and Brian tensed up. He kept his focus on the kids who were rattling off all the exciting things they did with their grandmother. He was interested in what they were saying, but he also didn't want to look up and meet Justin's eyes. He knew that they would be the same steel-cold blue they were the day they had left for Florida.

"Daddy! Dada's here!" Zaira said, giving Brian no choice but to look up at Justin.

"I see that," Justin said warmly.

Brian looked at Justin and was completely surprised. He hadn't expected Justin's words to be so soft and for his expression to match. "Hi."

"Hey," Justin answered him, giving him an expression Brian couldn't read.

Brian got up off the floor. "How was your flight?"

"Brian..." Justin smiled at him and walked toward him.

Brian walked closer and took Justin into his arms. "I missed you," he whispered against his lover's ear.

Justin squeezed him very tightly but didn't say anything in return.

"Did you miss me?" Brian found himself asking.

Justin pulled away from him and looked at him, his blue eyes glassy and his lips trembling, "I'm always missing you when you're not with me, Brian."

Brian took Justin's face in his hands and then leaned forward and pressed their foreheads together. "I love you," he said, not breaking eye contact.

Justin blinked and two tears fell from the corners of his eyes. Brian brushed them away with his thumbs, "I love you too, Brian."

Brian and Justin's lips pressed together...

"Dada! Are you gonna tuck us in now?" Zaira asked, stopping her parents mid-kiss.

"Later," Brian smirked, looking at Justin who was smirking at him.

Brian looked down and noticed both of the kids were in their pajamas already. "Of course. Did you guys brush your teeth?"

"Yes," the children answered.

"Okay, let’s go on up." Brian reached down and picked up Zaira in one arm and then Reaghan in the other.

Justin went up with him and together they got both children in bed for the night and retired into their room.

As soon as the master bedroom door shut behind Brian, Justin attacked him with kisses. They broke apart to divest themselves of their clothing, and Brian picked Justin up and carried him into their bed.

"God, I want you," Justin told him as he rolled Brian over onto his stomach.

Brian put his head on his pillow and brought his legs up underneath him, "Come on," he said in a muffled voice. He waited for a moment and when nothing happened, he turned to look at Justin.

Justin was holding a condom and giving him a strange look. Fuck, Brian thought and turned around. Justin is suggesting we wear condoms now?

"Why do you have these?" Justin asked him in a shaky voice.

"I…" Brian was shocked.

"Have you been fucking someone else? Is that why you haven't been fucking me?" he spat angrily.

Brian felt himself go cold at Justin's words. "Of course not!"

"Don't lie to me, Brian." Justin's eyes once again filled with tears.

"What the fuck, Justin?" Brian grabbed the condom and held it in front of Justin's face. "Look at the fucking expiration date, asshole! That was in there from before we started taking the new fucking birth control."

Justin closed his eyes then opened them and quickly looked away from Brian. "I'm sorry."

Brian leaned toward him. "You think I'm fucking around on you? And you called me a fucking liar, Justin!"

Justin wiped his tears away and looked at him. "What am I supposed to think, Brian?"

"I don't know, Justin. Fuck!"

"You're never here anymore, Brian," Justin told him.

"That has nothing to do with you just calling me a cheat and a liar."

"I know you didn't stay here the whole two weeks we were gone. I suspected but then when I saw the condom I thought..."

"I didn’t want to be in this huge house without you guys. Fuck! I fucked you raw two days before you left on that fucking trip! Do you think I'd risk your life like that?"

"No, it's just…"

"It's just yes, you did think that! Or you wouldn't have asked."

"I jumped to conclusions. I've been in that drawer a million times and hadn't seen it there."

Brian threw the condom on the side of the bed and moved Justin around so he was lying on his back. He grabbed the bottle of lube and warmed it in his fingers before pushing them inside his blond.

They stared at one another, saying nothing and everything.

Brian moved down on top of Justin and slicked his dick with the leftover lube. He leaned down and kissed Justin's neck as he pushed the head of his cock inside the warm cavern.

"Ah!" Justin gasped in pleasure/pain.

"Shh!" Brian kissed the tears in the corners of his husband's eyes as he moved his hips forward and slid in the rest of the way.

Justin's felt so stretched and full from the initial entry. He had stayed at his mother’s house and that meant that he couldn’t even play with his dildos when he needed release. His hole was very tight. "Slower," he whispered.

Brian nodded his head and moved back, sliding almost completely out of the tight warmth. "Why would you ever think I'd want..." he slid back in.

"Brian!"

Brian leaned in and kissed Justin as he rocked back out and in a couple of times. Their eyes were still open as they experienced the pleasure they only knew with each other. "Why would you think I would ever want anyone but you? There's nothing better, no one better to be inside of, no one but you. Never," Brian whispered before drawing back and then sliding into his lover, causing Justin to shout his name.

“No one but you,” Justin moaned back.

End Flashback

Brian continued to go through the album and when he got to the end, he realized that the last two pictures in the book were from that time at the beach he missed. He'd never even seen them before.

Brian wiped away the tears from his eyes, closed the album, and reached for another. This one was a book full of the kids' Christmas pictures through the years. His fingertips touched and traced the contours of their faces, imagining that he was actually feeling their baby soft skin. Justin's smell wasn’t the only one he missed, but theirs too. He remembered vividly holding both of them right after they were born. He'd kissed the tops of their heads and had memorized their smell. Even now, he could almost smell them.

Page by page, Brian fell into the memories he and Justin shared with their children. Last year Zaira and Reaghan played "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" together on the piano. It had been off-key, and most of the time Reaghan would just press his one designated key when Zaira would tell him to. They had played it for him and Justin as a surprise. They were so thoughtful. He and Justin had asked them to play it repeatedly. It was, without a doubt, the best Christmas present they'd gotten that year.

Brian was feeling exhausted by the time he reached for the next album. It was their wedding album and he couldn't bear to open it yet. He would save that for the morning. Brian reached down to the end of the bed and set the albums back on the trunk. He crawled over to his side to turn off the lamp and he saw a red envelope peeking out from under the silver tray.

He slid it out and remembered that Justin had handed it to him before giving him his breakfast. He'd had to meet his client so he hadn't had time to open it. He shifted his body back over to Justin's side and opened the envelope.

He took out what was inside. It was a big thick card. It had a picture of their Christmas tree on it and under it, it read, Merry Christmas, Dada!

Brian felt his heart breaking again. His shaky fingers opened the card and there within it was a small stack of pictures.

The first picture was of Zaira in the outfit she'd worn to the recital he'd missed.

The next picture was of Reaghan in the outfit he'd worn to his play.

The next pictures made Brian's heart stop beating for a moment.

"No," he said aloud. Tears sprang from his eyes, his stomach tightened, and he felt like he was going to throw up. "Oh god, Justin!" he yelled into the silence of their house. "I'm so sorry! I didn't know! I didn't know."

Brian curled around and cried into Justin's pillow. Justin’s smell surrounded him as he wept. There, in his fingers he clutched the pictures of his children close to his heart, weeping himself into sleep.

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