Endeavor
Chapter Ten: October

Every noble work is at first impossible. - Thomas Carlyle

“Hi, Cynthia,” Justin greeted cheerfully as she walked into his office.

“Hey, Justin. I need to talk to you about something. Do you have a minute?”

“Sure, I was just finishing the graphics for the Remson powerpoint presentation.” Justin saved his work and closed the program.

“Brian will be happy about that. Mind if I shut the door?”

“That’s fine,” Justin answered, now worried at the serious tone in her voice.

After closing the door, Cynthia sat in one of the chairs in front of Justin’s desk. “All right, I’m just going to come out and ask.”

“Okay…” Justin said nervously. His mind started going a mile a minute, wondering if there was anything he’d recently fucked up on.

“Did something happen between you and Brian?”

“Uh…no.” Justin refrained from telling Cynthia that last weekend Brian and he had unmistakably eye-fucked each other while they fucked other men. He couldn’t tell her that, not only because he didn’t think it was her business, but because he told himself that what happened that night had been no different than the other nights he and Brian tricked together.

“I’ve noticed…” Cynthia sighed and leaned over the desk. In a whisper she continued, “Everyone has noticed that you and Brian have been off.”

“I think Brian is stressed about the expansion, that’s all.” That’s what Justin told himself anyway.

Cynthia sat back and gave Justin a look of disbelief. “Come on. Out with it. What happened with you two? Brian’s been moping around the office for the last couple of weeks. The last time he did this, you actually acted like you cared, but this time you don’t seem too concerned.”

Justin was getting a little pissed but tried his best to cool down. “Cynthia, I don’t know why Brian’s avoiding me and moping around the office. I really think it’s stress.”

“So he has been avoiding you?” Cynthia asked this but it came out as an accusation.

“Look, I don’t know what you want me to say. Has our work been suffering because Brian has suddenly decided that he wants some space?”

“No,” Cynthia replied honestly. “But I’m worried about him. When he mopes I start thinking that maybe the….”

“The cancer isn’t back,” Justin interrupted. “He would tell me. Even if he is avoiding me right now, he would tell me.”

“You know about that?” Cynthia asked, completely surprised.

Justin nodded.

“You’re sure he’d tell you?”

“Positive. Even if he is avoiding me.”

Cynthia smiled. “So you’re sure nothing major happened?”

“Nothing. Maybe being around me day and night got on his nerves and he needed a break. I can respect that. Before I met him, the only person I hung out with on a regular basis was my partner.”

“Well if you’re sure that he’s all right, I’ll leave you alone about it.” Cynthia stood up and made her way to the door. She felt like the conversation had pretty much been pointless. Justin Taylor was locked up just as tight as Brian Kinney.

“I’ll let you know if I do find out anything,” Justin assured her.

“Thanks,” Cynthia called over his shoulder as she disappeared into the hallway.

Justin dropped his face in his hands and groaned in annoyance. Since when did Brian’s mood and attitude have anything to do with him?

Whatever the reason Brian was avoiding him, Justin didn’t really care to know. Things between them were getting too complicated and friendship wasn’t supposed to be complicated. He didn’t feel like being around Brian either and he definitely wasn’t going to follow him around begging to know what was wrong. He knew he’d fucked up the last time that Brian ignored him but he hadn’t done anything this time, so why the fuck should he care?

“Hey, baby.”

Justin almost fell out of his chair hearing the term of endearment. “Hey.” Justin wondered if he should tell Eric to never, EVER call him baby again. He could’ve sworn that they’d had that conversation. “What are you doing here?”

“I had to get some supplies for class at that teacher’s store down the street,” Eric replied, walking around Justin’s desk.

Justin pulled on Eric’s tie, leading the man to kiss him. “Shit!” he gasped, pulling away as he was shocked.

“I must’ve rubbed my feet too much on the carpet.”

“You think?” Justin asked, rubbing his lips.

“Jeez, you’re in a mood. I guess you didn’t get much sleep last night.” Eric walked behind Justin’s chair and placed his mouth beside his ear. “You’ve been fucking me so rough lately; it makes me think about you all day.”

Justin wanted that to be a compliment to his technique, he knew Eric’s sexy voice and the way his hand was trailing down his chest were supposed to turn him on. But what it was that usually connected them was missing. He knew it had been missing for a while, which was probably why he used the jealousy he felt about Sacha to fill the missing space between him and Eric. But now, all the jealousy and dirty scenarios in Justin’s head had absolutely no effect and did nothing to create a positive spark.

“Hey, Sunshine. Karen just reminded me that we’ve…” Brian paused and pasted on a smile.

“Hi, Brian.” Eric straightened up.

“Arron, how nice of you to drop by,” Brian greeted dryly. “I hope that you’re not breaking your promise,” He directed at Justin, giving him a private smirk.

Justin hated that he felt so fucking happy just because Brian walked in his office and gave him a flirtatious smile. He hated that Brian’s term of endearment was just fine to him and that he easily accepted the mushy feeling that he felt inside whenever Brian said it. It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t fair to Eric. The way he felt seeing each one of them in his doorway was scores different. “I’m not,” Justin answered. “I think Eric was just leaving?”

Eric grimaced. “Sorry, I didn’t think it’d be a big deal to stop by.”

“It’s not,” Brian assured him. He gave Justin a ‘what the fuck’ look but Justin didn’t acknowledge it at all.

“Well I’m trying to meet your deadline for the Remson account,” Justin said.

Brian had no idea why Justin was lying. He hadn’t exactly been sharing the same space with him lately so he guessed that there was trouble in paradise once again. “Right… we can talk about that later.”

“So are you and Sacha doing something together tonight?” Justin asked Eric.

“No. He’s going to his mother’s for dinner. I thought you and I could spend a quiet night in at my place.”

“He can’t,” Brian said quickly, “we’re going to Justin’s mother’s house for dinner. That’s what I was coming to remind you about. Karen reminded me and since we haven’t seen each other much I wanted to make sure you hadn’t forgotten.”

Justin had forgotten, but he lied, “I didn’t.” Guilt propelled him to ask, “Eric, do you want to come along? You haven’t seen my mother in a while, I’m sure she’d love to see you.”

Eric liked Jennifer and Tucker, he even liked Justin’s little sister, but adding Brian to the mix wasn’t something he cared for. “Maybe next time,” he answered, leaning down to kiss the top of Justin’s head. “I’ve had a long day and I’m kinda tired.”

Brian didn’t mentally stick his tongue out at Eric and cheer inside. He didn’t. Cause that would be much too childish for him and much too revealing.

“You’re sure?” Justin asked, only to be polite. He hated sitting in the middle of Brian and Eric when they had dinner at Lindsay’s house, he hated sitting in the middle of Brian and Eric during the advertising awards and he knew that was where luck would have him placed at his mom’s table.

“Yeah, I’ll head home now. Call me tomorrow if you decide you want to go to the conservation fair with us.”

Justin definitely didn’t see himself spending his Saturday with Eric and his other hippie friends. But to be nice, he said, “I’ll call you if I change my mind.”

Eric kissed Justin goodbye, using an unusual amount of tongue in the process and walked cockily toward the door. “Bye, Justin.” He nodded. “Brian.”

“Have fun at the fair.” Brian rolled his eyes and shut the door behind Eric. “How is it that all these hippies run around picking up trash and talking about making the world cleaner when they can’t even keep themselves clean?”

Justin felt so happy whenever Brian bitched about Eric’s obsession and the hippies he surrounded himself with. It was probably horribly wrong how much he loved it when Brian made fun of Eric, but he couldn’t help feeling so good that someone felt the way he did about it. He felt obligated to defend him sometimes, especially when Brian grouped Eric in with the smelly, unclean hippies. Eric was the total opposite, he was a clean freak, and he rarely got dirty unless he was gardening. Eric was more uptight about body cleanliness than anyone Justin had ever known. “Eric isn’t a dirty hippie, Brian. I wouldn’t fuck a dirty hippie.”

“Yeah well, with the exception of Arron and his hot lawyer, who by the way needs to comb his fucking hair, they’re all disgusting. They bitch and moan about what they should or shouldn’t eat because they don’t want to harm their bodies, but then they won’t shower for a week and end up getting lice in their dreadlocks.”

At this point, Justin had no choice but to laugh his ass off. When Brian was right, he was right. He also wondered when he’d stopped correcting Brian on Eric’s name, not that Brian always called him Arron, but he supposed maybe it was just a friendly term of endearment at this point. Yeah. Right. “I missed you, Brian.” Had he really said that? Justin wasn’t too sure. He stopped laughing and frowned as he internally freaked out.

Brian smiled softly and accepted the fact that his heart felt as if it were swelling inside his chest. There wasn’t much he could do about that anymore. He sat on the edge of Justin’s desk sideways and spoke in husky tone, “I missed you, too.”

Justin’s smile returned.

“You’ve been spending so much time with Arron,” Brian commented, rubbing his fingers through Justin’s long hair. “I was sure you’d show up to work one day with dreadlocks and a hemp bracelet.”

Justin cocked his head to the side and Brian’s hand fell down his shoulder and skimmed over his chest for a split second before he jerked it away. Whatever was missing elsewhere wasn’t missing here. “I’d never do that to you.”

Brian stood, desperate to put distance between himself and Justin. “Dinner is at six-thirty. Do you want to drive over to your Mom’s together?”

Justin wondered if this was going to be the beginning again. Would they go to Woody’s and Babylon after dinner? Would they pick out tricks for one another? Would they fuck them together? Would they leave Babylon together? Would they eat late night diner food together surrounded by hustlers while listening to Debbie gossip? Would they go back to one of their places and stay up late talking, watching porn, working or smoking pot until one of them passed out or stumbled to the bedroom? Would they wake up in the morning and do it all over again, and again and again? Because that’s what Justin wanted. He could accept wanting nothing more. He could! He could damnit!

“Hellooooo?” Brian waved his hand in front of Justin’s face. “What are you thinking about?”

Justin blinked and his eyes focused on Brian’s face. “Yeah, we can ride together.” Riding home together could mean that Brian would just take him back to the parking garage after dinner and have Justin retrieve his car then. Or it meant that they’d be spending the evening together and Brian would be driving him to pick the car up in the morning, or maybe leaving it there until Monday because their plans for the weekend involved the both of them and it was easier that way. They’d done that a lot during the summer because Justin usually tagged along to hang out with Brian and Gus. Justin had even gotten to drive Brian’s precious Corvette a few times, though he usually bitched about the way Justin drove until Justin wanted to go back to the loft and get the Jeep.

“We can go back to the loft and change before we go out,” Brian offered.

Justin wasn’t lighting up inside at the prospect of spending all night with Brian. He wasn’t. He couldn’t be. It was fucking horribly wrong. “Okay.”

“Be ready to leave at six,” Brian advised and left Justin’s office.

Justin banged his head on the desk a couple of times. All the fucked up feelings inside of him were exactly why he hadn’t wanted to become friends with his boss. There were rules; ground rules that he was sure Brian wouldn’t break. Lines that Justin had no intention of crossing had become so fucking blurred he had no idea where they started and ended. He was fucked, fucked, fucked!
 

*****

“I want you to come see an old bathhouse. I think it has everything you need and are looking for.”

Justin spit his coffee all over his mother and the papers she was extending to Brian beside him.

“Nice going, fuckwad,” Brian bitched.

“Don’t call me that in front of my mother!” Justin yelled.

Jennifer laughed and looked down at her designer purple blouse that was no doubt ruined. “Oh shut up, Justin. I’ve heard worse from your mouth when Daphne would come over and you two didn’t think I could hear you.”

Tucker was standing behind Jennifer, looking at his wife with big wide eyes. “Should I get you some club soda or something?”

Jennifer turned and kissed Tucker’s cheek. “No, I’m going to go change my clothes. I don’t think the coffee is going to come out.”

“I’ll make Justin buy you a new one,” Brian offered.

“You don’t have to make me buy my mother anything, Brian,” Justin snapped. “I’m sorry, mom, but next time you’re going to talk about a bathhouse, you need to warn me in advance.”

Tucker laughed and agreed, “It was out of nowhere.”

“I expect a straight guy to be a bit prudish,” Brian teased Tucker. He gave Justin a light shove with his elbow. “But not you, I mean…”

“I’m going to go change,” Jennifer interrupted and dropped the papers in Brian’s lap. “I don’t think the ad is as damaged as my blouse, have a look.”

“Do you want me to get you some more coffee?” Tucker offered.

Justin nodded and smiled. “Yes, thanks.”

Once Justin and Brian were alone, Justin asked Brian, “You’re not actually considering a bathhouse for Exhibition, are you?”

“I’ll want to see it in person first, have a look at it.” Brian handed Justin the listing. “I don’t want anything conventional, we have that now and it doesn’t work. If we moved here, we’d have an edgy work environment.”

“Oh, I’m sure it’d inspire you,” Justin laughed, looking at the photos. “It’d take a lot of work to remodel all three floors.”

“Yeah, but our lease isn’t up on the space we have now until March. If I get a kick ass contractor, I’m pretty sure we could be in the place by then.”

“If you like it after you’ve seen it in person,” Justin reminded.

Brian laughed. “Oh, I’ve seen it in person plenty of times.”

“I bet you have.” Justin read the information. “The location is great. It’s not like there’s tons of clubs and bathhouses surrounding it.”

“Your mother did a good job,” Brian praised. “I can’t say it’s what I would’ve ever expected her to suggest, but I think it could work.”

Tucker came back in the room and handed Justin his coffee.

“Thanks, Tucker.”

“Your mother had me go with her the first time she viewed it. There’s a parking garage across the street and a bus stop on the next block so it’d be easily accessible for your employees and clients,” Tucker commented.

Justin did not want to imagine his mother and Tucker in a bathhouse. “I’ve never been to that one.” He honestly couldn’t recall if he had or not, but just for Tucker’s sake he said it.

Brian snorted.

“And this is where I take my cue to clean up the dinner dishes,” Tucker muttered before slipping away.

Justin sported an evil grin.

“You really are a fuckwad,” Brian told him. “The poor guy kisses your ass and you behave like a jealous teenager.”

“Whatever,” Justin huffed. “I could act a lot worse. I could actually be rude and mean to him like Molly is.”

“Or you could behave like an adult and appreciate the fact that you have two parents who love and support you.”

“Tucker is not my parent; he’s practically the same age as me.” Justin shuddered.

“He’s your step-father,” Brian pointed out teasingly. “And there’s about the same age difference between him and your mother as there is between me and you.”

“Yeah, well I’m not marrying you, Brian.”
 

*****

Brian didn’t believe in marriage and he didn’t want to marry Justin Taylor. Why, after a night of dancing, drinking and fucking was he thinking about the statement Justin had made at his mother’s house was anyone’s guess. Why he’d ventured into being pissed off at Justin since that moment, he didn’t have a clue. He tried to stop, to put it behind him, but every time he looked at Justin, the words played in his head like a broken record.

“Brian, you really should’ve fucked that guy when I was done with him,” Justin said. “His ass was perfect.”

Brian debated dropping Justin off at his apartment, but Justin droning on and on about the blond who he declared had the most perfect ass he’d ever fucked, caused Brian to miss the turn. “I’ve had better,” he responded, wishing Justin would shut the fuck up.

“I thought you said you hadn’t fucked him?” Justin asked, his words slurring together.

Brian wondered if Justin would notice if he turned around and if he’d become a pissy queen if he dropped him off at the curb of his apartment complex. “I just remembered that I did,” he lied. He didn’t know why he was lying. He was just trying to end the conversation.

“Oh.” Justin giggled and palmed his crotch. “Fuck, just so you know, I’m going to jerk off in your shower.”

Brian squealed his tires as he pulled the car into a parking space. He felt like banging on the steering wheel but just barely refrained. “Actually, I didn’t have to know.” He was definitely letting Justin shower first because even if he showered and jerked off first, thinking of Justin jerking off in his shower was going to cause him to have a boner all night long if he didn’t take care of it. He wasn’t going to jerk off twice thinking about Justin, once was pathetic enough.

“You drove really fast,” Justin commented once they were walking toward the front door of the building.

Brian hated that the moonlight made the glitter stuck to Justin’s hair and skin sparkle. He hated that there would be glitter stuck in the drain, taunting him as he showered. “I didn’t drive fast, idiot. You’re just wasted and have lost all concept of time.” He held the door open for Justin and opted to take the stairs, not giving a shit if Justin was stumbling and being loud enough to wake the whole building. Being stuck with him in the loft was going to be hard enough; he didn’t need to be in a tiny elevator with him too.

“I want to be an angel and you can be the devil,” Justin announced as Brian slid the loft door closed behind them.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” Brian asked. Usually when Justin was this drunk, Brian enjoyed it, but now it was just annoying.

“I’m talking about Halloween at Babylon, duh.” Justin sniffed and rolled his eyes dramatically. “I want to be an angel and I want you to dress like a devil. It’ll be fun.”

Brian grabbed a bottle of Beam and poured himself a glass. He couldn’t even respond to that ridiculousness.

“Pour me one too?” Justin requested, batting his eyelashes.

“You don’t need it,” Brian quipped. “What you need is a shower so that you’ll sober up.”

“Even when I’m not drunk, I’m still gonna want you to dress up with me.”

Brian realized that ignoring the suggestion wasn’t going to work. “Justin, there is no way in hell that I’m putting on any kind of a costume.”

Justin stuck his lower lip out. “Why not?”

“There are a million reasons.”

“Tell me two of them.”

Brian gulped his first shot and poured another. “One: I don’t dress up. Two: If you want to go to Queer as Fears night as a pair with someone, convince your boyfriend to go with you.”

“What? You won’t even go?” Justin asked. “But you’re the one that came up with the theme!”

“Rarely do I go to ‘theme’ nights at Babylon.”

“Liar,” Justin taunted. “We’ve been to like every one. And you do dress up; you dressed up for leather night.”

“Which is as far as I’d ever go.”

“Then that’s what you can wear, and I’ll buy you some of those vampire teeth that you glue in your mouth and we’ll just use make up to make you look really pale.”

“That’s not going to happen.”

“Brian, you know Eric won’t go with me and all of our friends are going to dress up. Ben and Michael are going to be He-Man and She-Ra…”

Brian had to laugh. “Where did you get that from? They’re going as Thor and Captain America.”

“Whatever, even Emmett has a date and they’re dressing as a pair too.”

Brian slammed his empty glass down. “We’re not a fucking couple and we’re not dressing as a pair of anything, so get that fucking idea out of your head!”

Brian’s outburst sobered Justin quite a bit. He slowly backed away from the bar and turned toward the bathroom. He had no idea why Brian was in such a foul mood and wondered if yet again, Brian was going to go back to ignoring him for no good reason.
 

*****

The shower worked to clear Justin’s head, but now that he was sober his confusion was settling in. He didn’t say anything to Brian, who’d been sitting on his bed smoking, when he exited the bathroom and made his way to the sofa.

He was surprised to find that Brian had made up the sofa for him and placed an aspirin and a bottle of water for him on the nightstand. Justin was far from understanding Brian and why he could be such a shit one moment and then turn around and be thoughtful and caring the next.

After taking the aspirin, Justin turned off all the lights and tried to fall asleep. Brian hadn’t taken as long a shower and Justin was wide awake when he emerged in his towel. Justin tried really hard not to watch Brian dress, but he failed miserably because he watched the whole time. He was sure that Brian could probably hear his breathing pick up when he’d first dropped the towel, but Brian didn’t look over at him, didn’t acknowledge him at all.

Once Brian had put on a t-shirt and briefs and shut the amber light off above the bed, Justin closed his eyes again and tried to will himself to stop thinking about what it was he’d said that had pissed Brian off. He really didn’t think it was a big deal to ask Brian to dress up with him, friends did that stuff all the time. In fact, if Daphne was around, Justin was sure she’d dress up with him and they’d have a blast together. He knew that Brian rarely acted silly around anyone but him and Gus, but he had been so sure that just one night he could let himself go.

At least an hour passed before Justin finally gave up on trying to sleep, tossing and turning so much that the blanket had wound itself around his ankles twice. He sat up and looked into the bedroom, trying to gauge whether or not Brian was asleep. He listened, accustomed to the way Brian breathed when he was asleep and he didn’t hear the soft rattling noise he usually made if he was.

Justin rose from the sofa and tiptoed up the stairs and cautiously crawled into the bed beside Brian. The moment his head hit the pillow he felt his body relaxing and knew that he actually could probably sleep now. Except he was freezing and even though he knew that Brian knew he was now in bed with him, he didn’t want to disturb Brian by getting the covers.

Brian could feel the vibrations of Justin’s shivers and gave up on feigning sleep. He turned toward Justin, grabbed the end of the duvet and pulled it up to his shoulders.

“We don’t have to dress up, Brian,” Justin conceded in a soft tone of voice.

Brian felt horrible and he didn’t understand why he did. Maybe it was the disappointment in Justin’s voice, or his glassy dark eyes, or maybe it was Brian’s pure stupidity that propelled him into compromise. “Just the leather and the teeth.”

Even in the dark, Brian saw Justin’s gleaming smile and it followed him into sleep.
 

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