Credence
 

Chapter Nine: “Throw me a line, so I can anchor my pain”

Things keep coming and I keep wondering
I start feeling the walls close in
Things keep coming and I keep stumbling
I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Oh, I start feeling I'm strong enough to break
Carry on just a pawn and the same old song
I'm still holding on, The fabric is about to fray 

Selected Lyrics taken from “Strong Enough To Break” ~ Hanson

*****

October

“So what do you need help with?” Trent joked, gazing at the mountain of kitchen utensils and appliance boxes on the island countertop.

Justin defended his purchases, “I had to buy stuff to fill up all these cabinets.”

“So you won’t be having a housewarming party then?” Daphne huffed.

“I hadn’t thought about having one. But if I do, it’ll be a while. I still have most of the house to decorate.”

“You should have a pool party,” Trent suggested.

Justin shrugged. “A pool party in November?”

“You do have an indoor pool,” Trent reminded him.

“You could have a fun luau theme,” Daphne added excitedly.

“Between work, working on the comic with Michael and furnishing the house, I don’t think I’m going to have time to plan some big party. I was thinking a small dinner or something,” Justin said.

“If you really think it’s going to take a while to furnish your mansion, you should just hire a decorator,” Trent said.

“No way,” Justin said. “I want to do this on my own. I don’t want this place to be like a showroom or something. I want each and every room to reflect me, not what someone else thinks is style. I don’t care if it takes me until next year to have it finished, not that it will, but the housewarming party isn’t at the top of my list.”

“You could always hire Emmett,” Daphne said. “Then you wouldn’t have to worry about it and you’ll have all the free time you want to spend with Brian.”

“That’s why it’s going to take so long for you to get this place furnished,” Trent chuckled. “You and Brian are going to be so busy fucking one another on every piece of furniture you buy…we should just kiss our dreams of a party goodbye and hope you’ll have it finished by spring.”

Justin blushed and shared a look with Daphne. He thought that Trent was aware of his virgin status. He could’ve sworn he’d mentioned it to him, but obviously he hadn’t and he felt uncomfortable talking about his non-sex life with someone who could and did have any guy he wanted. “If I agree to have a luau themed pool party after Thanksgiving, will you please shut up about me and Brian? Can we please get back to unpacking the kitchen?”

“It’s going to take a week to unpack this shit,” Daphne said. “I’m beginning to regret agreeing to help,” she joked.

“Luau party,” Trent reminded her. “Be nice.”

Daphne grinned. “Oh, right. This is exactly how I love spending my mornings!”

Justin laughed. “Shut up. I promise to return the favor when you buy your first house.”

“I’ll hold you to it.”

“Hey, neither one of you came to help me when I moved into my place!” Trent said.

“You didn’t ask,” Daphne told him. “Plus, you used that Hunky Moving Men service and ended up fucking one of them. I doubt you would’ve wanted us there.”

“Wait until you see the stuff I bought for the media room,” Justin said, once again hoping to get his friends working instead of just standing around talking about sex. The sooner they were finished, the quicker he’d see Brian and get the blow job the man promised him over the phone that morning. He walked to the counter, grabbed the box of glasses and began opening it. “It’s going to feel like you’re watching a movie in a real theater.”

“Justin, we don’t have to help you set up any of that, do we?” Daphne asked. “Because you know I suck with electronics.”

“I’m no good with them either,” Trent added. “It took me forever to figure out how to hook up my new computer.”

“You should’ve just bought a laptop,” Justin said.

“I already had one of those,” Trent said.

“Well, don’t worry, I won’t make you guys hook up any of that stuff,” Justin told him, “the electronic company is going to set it all up for me. They won’t be coming until next week though.”

“Well if you do need help, don’t forget that Tristan is apprenticing as an electrician,” Daphne said.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Justin told her.

“So where do these plates go?” Trent asked, picking up two boxes of black plates that had a pale blue geometric design on them.

Justin pointed to the upper dark wood cabinets. “Coffee cups and glasses will go in the first one by the sink, plates and bowls in the cabinet beside that one.”

“What about these baking bowls?” Daphne asked.

Justin pulled out the two largest drawers under the island. “I think all the baking stuff can fit under here. Why don’t you do the glasses and I’ll do all that stuff so I remember what all I got.” He’d splurged at the kitchenware store, buying hoards of supplies, some of which he wasn’t sure what he’d use them for, but he was sure that if he did have a party there, Emmett would be happy he had bought it.

“Fine with me,” Daphne said, trading places with Justin.

“I can’t believe you bought this place,” Trent said. “When you said you were going to buy a house, I thought that was a big deal, but this place is huge. Even after we unpack all this shit you’re going to have empty cabinets.”

“Well then I’ll just have to buy more things. I’m sure I’ve missed something, plus I love to cook and I’ve always wanted a chef’s kitchen.”

“I doubt you’ve forgotten anything,” Daphne teased. “It looks like you bought out the whole store.”

“I did not!” Justin said. “There were a lot of things I wanted to buy that Brian told me I didn’t need.”

“You shopped with Brian?” Daphne asked, surprised. “I thought you said he didn’t seem to like the place.”

“I think he was just shocked. We’re going shopping for the master bedroom tomorrow and then I can officially move out of the hotel room and into my new home.”

“Whoa, hold on a second,” Trent said, slamming the cabinet door shut. “Is Brian moving in here with you?”

“No,” Justin answered. “But when he’s here, a lot of the time is going to be spent in the bedroom, so I want him to like it.”

“But it’s your bedroom,” Trent said. “If you two break up you’re going to want to throw away everything that reminds you of him.”

“That’s ridiculous. Brian has great taste and I’m not planning on letting him have all the say. I told you, this place is mine and I want every room to reflect that. Whatever input he does have, there’s no way I’d appreciate it less if we broke up.”

“That isn’t the point,” Daphne said. “If you’ve got Brian shopping with you for things for your home ... don’t you think it’s a little weird that you haven’t asked him to move in?”

“We haven’t been together for very long,” Justin said. “If I asked him to move in, he’d freak out. You know this is Brian Kinney we’re talking about, there’s no way he’d want to live together this fast. Even if I were ready for it, he isn’t.”

“You want him to move in with you,” Trent concluded.

Justin shrugged. “We haven’t even spent a night here together.”

“You’re evading answering the question,” Daphne pointed out. “Do you want him to move in or not?”

“I’d be lying if I said that it doesn’t have some clout to why I want him to help me decorate the place, but as of right now, the only thing I’m sure of is that I don’t want to do anything to scare him away.”

“But for you, it’s not too early,” Daphne said, “you want him here.”

“Yeah,” Justin admitted, his heart aching. “I want him here.” He hated the nights he spent alone in his bed at the hotel and was fairly certain that when he had to spend his first night alone in his new home; he would hate it even more. But he couldn’t ask Brian for that type of commitment yet, no matter how much he wanted it.

 

*****
 

“...so instead of the crimson ties, we’re going to wear fuchsia ascots instead. You don’t have a problem with that, do you?”

“Sounds good, Mikey.”

Michael burst out in laughter. “Brian, I’d just love to see my best man wearing a fuchsia ascot!”

“It’s your wedding,” Brian drawled, “do what you want.”

Michael sighed. “Brian, what is wrong?”

“Nothing. Why?”

“Something is very wrong if you’re not trying to stop me from making my wedding into one big ass fashion tragedy.”

“I learned a long time ago that you can dress yourself and that you refuse to learn anything about fashion from me.”

“Brian,” Michael stared across the booth at his friend.

“What the fuck to you want me to do, plan your goddamn wedding? Isn’t that what you have Emmett for?”

“Jesus, you must really be fucked up about something if you have yet to comment on me suggesting wearing fuchsia ascots.”

“Well why the fuck are you asking for my opinion on them when you obviously know that it’s a horrific idea?”

“I was hoping it would get your attention because you haven’t listened to a thing I’ve said all morning.” He looked down at Brian’s sandwich that only had one small bite taken. “You’re not eating, you’re not saving me from a fashion crisis, so what are you thinking about and don’t say ‘nothing’ because I know that something is going on with you.”

Brian really didn’t want to talk about it with Michael because he knew that his best friend was currently dreaming of wedded bliss with Ben and probably wouldn’t find anything wrong with what Justin had done. It’d been a week and he hadn’t worked it out on his own though, so he figured he might as well get it over with and let Mikey lay into him for being an emotionally unavailable asshole. “Justin bought a house.”

Michael nodded. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

Brian glared. “Have you seen the house?”

“Of course. I was at Ma’s yesterday when he showed everyone the pictures.” Michael grinned. “Are you pissed that he’s going to live so far away? Has the moving put a dent in your sex life?”

“No,” Brian admitted. They’d been non-fucking like rabbits every day since Justin showed him the house.

“So are you mad that he spent a fortune without consulting you?”

Brian shook his head. “It’s Justin’s money, he can do with it what he wants.”

Michael’s mouth dropped open. “Holy shit, you are mad that he bought it without consulting you. Why? Were you hoping that you and Justin would buy a place together?”

“We’ve only been together a few months,” Brian said.

“So you don’t deny that you’d like to live with him,” Michael said. “Are you afraid that he doesn’t want you to or something?”

Brian rubbed his hands over his face and groaned. “Whether or not he wants me to move in with him isn’t the problem.”

“Well, fucking tell me what the problem with him buying a house is. I don’t get it.”

“The problem is that he bought a fucking mansion, not a house. The point of us dating is to see if we have a future together, right? So, shouldn’t I have been consulted before he bought a goddamn house he’s going to want to live in for the rest of his fucking life?”

“Did he say he wants to live there for the rest of his life?” Michael asked. “It might just be a starter home. I know the hotel is wonderful, but Brian, you couldn’t have expected that he’d want to stay there for the next couple of months ... or however long it would take you to realize that you want a future with him and actually ask him to move in with you.”

“As you said, you saw the pictures. A mansion like that isn’t a starter home and he did say it was his dream house. The house has eight bedrooms, Mikey. Eight. He’s using one for a studio and one is the master, but what the fuck is he going to do with the other six?”

“Maybe turn one into a media room and use the rest for guest rooms?”

“So, he’s going to have five guest rooms? That’s what you’re suggesting?”

“He’ll probably have an at-home gym or something, won’t he?”

“Justin doesn’t go the gym so I doubt it, but even if he did, that still leaves four bedrooms.”

“Well if you did move in with him, then you’d have a place for Gus,” Michael suggested. “That would be nice.”

Brian nodded, not exactly comfortable with the idea but it was something he knew that Justin would do whether or not they moved in together. “Four more.”

“Four, you said...”

“I forgot about the downstairs bedroom.”

“Jesus, Brian. I don’t know. Why don’t you ask him what he’s planning?”

“He doesn’t know. Or he says he doesn’t know.”

“Well, you’ve always wanted a playroom,” Michael said, grinning deviously.

“Three.”

Michael rolled his eyes. “It’s Justin’s house, not mine. You’re the one dating him, so I think you would know better than I what he’d do with the spare rooms. So tell me, what do you think he’s going to do with them and why is it making you upset?”

“He has three spare rooms, three rooms that he’s going to want to fill up with kids.” Brian crossed his arms over his chest. “Why else would he have wanted to buy a house so freaking big?”

“Maybe he just wants options. Oh, hey, you’ll need an office.”

“There’s an office and a library and I won’t need one because I’m not living there.”

“Brian, I don’t know what you want me to say and I don’t understand what is so wrong with Justin having spare rooms that he might one day make into a bedroom for a kid. Would it really be so bad if you lived there?”

“What’s horrible is that he went and bought himself a palace that is designed for a family.” Brian felt cheated by Justin taking over the planning of their future. “We had an agreement, that we would find out where this thing with us went ... together, and now he’s made this big commitment all on his own.”

“Brian, that probably wasn’t his intention when he bought it. Ted saw it and he did say it was a great investment, which that alone might have been why he bought it. You’re upset about something that you don’t even know Justin wants. It’s just like before. You’re getting ahead of yourself and you’re thinking ‘all or nothing’ and it’s freaking you out. Go talk to him instead of brooding about it.”

“Talk to him? That’s your advice?”

“Why does that seem like such a foreign concept? After this long together, I’m sure you’ve talked about things that aren’t about sex.”

“Of course we have.”

“And how did that go?”

Brian shrugged. “Fine.”

“Then go do it again,” Michael encouraged. “Justin probably doesn’t understand that what he did hurt you or upset you. It doesn’t make you less of a man to admit that him buying his dream house without talking to you about it makes you think that he doesn’t care about the expectations you have for your future together.”

“I don’t know what I want for our future so what’s the point of telling him that?”

“You didn’t say that you don’t want a future with him,” Michael said gently. “I know you said you’d give it six months or whatever, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t know what you want before this time is up, does it? You may not know what you want for the two of you but you know what you want for yourself, right? Because you said a lot of bullshit, but you didn’t say, not once, that you don’t want a future with him. Because you do.”

Brian slumped in the booth and nodded once. “I want Justin.”

Michael was confident that he knew what was really hurting Brian about Justin’s big purchase. “Are you scared that maybe you want to live in that dream house with him and because he didn’t talk to you about it, it might mean that he doesn’t want you to live with him?”

“Why wouldn’t he want to live with me?” Brian scoffed.

Michael grinned. “That’s the right attitude, Brian. Why wouldn’t he? Now get out of here and go talk to him.”

“Talk...” Brian muttered and slid out of the booth and dropped two twenties on the table.

“You don’t have to pay for my lunch,” Michael said. “I do have money, even if Ben’s worried about me spending it all on the wedding.”

Brian leaned down and kissed Michael briefly before tapping one of the twenties. “That’s the consultation fee.”

Michael laughed and handed Brian back one of the bills. “I don’t think best friends are supposed to charge their friends for advice.”

Brian sat back down in his seat and asked softly, “Do you remember when you said that Justin was my best friend?”

“Yeah,” Michael said in a wistful tone. “I wasn’t lying. That’s what you two became before you ever got together.”

“You and Ben were like that?”

“Yeah.”

“So... if we... if Justin and I...”

“What, Brian?” Michael asked, seeing a dozen emotions cross Brian’s face in just a few seconds.

“Never mind.” Brian shook his head and stood up. “I’ve got to pick up Justin. Later, Mikey.”

 

*****
 

“Where are we going?” Justin asked. “Isn’t Weisshouse Furniture in the other direction?”

“I want to drive around for a while first,” Brian said.

Justin felt goosebumps rise on his arms from the serious tone in Brian’s voice. “Why?”

Brian glanced at Justin for a moment and then looked back at the road. “We need to... talk.”

“Um, maybe you should park then?” Justin suggested.

Brian nodded. He slowed the car down and swung the BMW into a McDonald’s parking lot. He parked the car and took his seatbelt off so he could look at Justin. As soon as he looked at his boyfriend, his breath caught and he felt panic rise inside of him.

“What do you want to talk about?” Justin asked, wringing his hands.

Brian hated that he was making Justin so nervous but he needed to get his thoughts out or they’d continue to drive him crazy. “You want a future with me, right?”

Justin hadn’t expected that question to come out of Brian’s mouth, but it was an easy one, so he quickly answered, “Yes.”

“I mean, that’s what this...” Brian gestured to the two of them, “us being together is about?”

“Yeah,” Justin said, “to see if we could work... I guess. I mean, we do work. At least I think we do. Do you not think we work?”

Brian sighed. “Right now I’m not sure.”

Justin’s heart plummeted into his stomach and he tried to think of what had gone wrong between last night’s dinner at Debbie’s and now. Had he said something stupid at dinner that had pissed Brian off? “You’re having doubts.”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then tell me what you mean. You’re really freaking me out. Tell me,” Justin pleaded. “Have I done something to make you start second guessing us?”

“Yes,” Brian admitted. “And you’re ... you’re the most confusing person I’ve ever met!”

“Me?” Justin wondered. Brian was the most confusing man he’d ever met; he didn’t know it was mutual.

“Us, being together now, it’s about us making a … means we both have...” Brian almost said commitment but he wasn’t ready to use those words. “We both think that we could be together... later on.”

“So what did I do? Was I being too boyfriendly at dinner last night?”

“What? No!” Brian said, surprised that Justin would think such a thing. He didn’t know what ‘too boyfriendly’ actually was, but Justin hadn’t ever crossed any line he might’ve drawn. “It’s the house.”

“Oh.” Justin had thought Brian had warmed up to the house. He’d even pointed out details about things he liked when he’d shown their friends pictures. “What about it?”

“You didn’t just buy any old house, Justin. You bought a fucking palace fit for a prince. What the fuck is wrong with you?”

“I wasn’t aware that you thought it was wrong for me to want to buy my dream house,” Justin said softly, hurt. “I didn’t know you didn’t like it... At first I was a little worried because you weren’t very enthusiastic about it, but I thought it was because of the jet lag and surprise. You’ve been helping me think of ways to decorate it and have seemed excited about it. You should’ve said something sooner. We don’t have to go shopping together.”

“I do like the house,” Brian said. “At first, I didn’t think I would, but ... that damn palace ... it fits you. You belong there, there isn’t anything wrong with you wanting that place.”

Justin sighed. “But you don’t think you belong there, is that it? Or is it that you don’t belong with a guy whose dream is that house?”

“You should’ve wondered about that before you ever bought it.”

“Why?” Justin truly didn’t understand. “I mean, you don’t want to move in with me, do you? I thought you would think it was too soon for that.”

“What if I did want to live with you?” Brian asked. “I would have no say in where we lived because you are now the prince of your dream castle and whether I like it or not, that’s where you’ll be.”

“Brian, if we were to get married …” Justin saw Brian flinch but he wasn’t going to tiptoe around the subject. “And… and you really didn’t like living there, I’d sell it without a second thought. All you’d have to do is say the word.”

“And take you out of a home you love?” Brian scoffed. “No, you won’t put that on me.”

“I’m not trying to put anything on you. I might love that house, but it’s just a fucking house, Brian. If you wanted to live with me and it didn’t fit you, then it couldn’t fit me either because I wouldn’t want you to live somewhere you weren’t happy.” Justin grabbed one of Brian’s hands and drew it against his chest. “You’ve got my heart beating so fast because I’m really scared you’re breaking up with me and that’s the last thing I want. If you want to move in together, you’re all I need. I love you a lot more than I love that house and I’d be willing to look for our own house together.”

Brian hadn’t expected to feel relief the first time Justin said ‘I love you’. He’d known the words would come one day, whether Justin really meant them or not, because Justin was a romantic twat who usually had no trouble expressing things that Brian could barely manage to think about. Still, he expected that when that time came he would feel trapped, but he didn’t. Against his hand he could feel Justin’s heart rate accelerate when he said it, and feeling the rapid rise and fall of his chest, he knew that Justin was probably freaking out about his confession. “It isn’t that I don’t like the house itself,” Brian explained, “who wouldn’t want to live somewhere like that?”

“You don’t,” Justin whispered, tears stinging his eyes. “Brian, I’m sorry.”

“Right now I don’t ... I don’t want to move in together right now. But you weren’t thinking about the fact that I might want to, one day. You weren’t thinking about what I would want when you bought it.”

“I just didn’t think it was a big deal because if you didn’t like it, then we didn’t have to live there, but I was hoping you would. That’s all. I’m not sure I understand why you’re angry if you don’t even want to move in together.”

“You want us to live there and that house stands for things that I might not ever want with you.”

“Like what, marriage?” Justin saw Brian nod and he felt like he was falling off a cliff. “Brian, a future with me, it would include marriage at some point. I’m sorry, but I thought I was clear about that. I’m not saying that I’m not willing to bend a little on fucking if I think I’m ready for that ... before marriage. But I thought you understood that I would want that in my future with whomever it was I decided to lose my virginity to.”

“It isn’t just marriage,” Brian said. “I know where you stand on that and I wouldn’t be with you right now if I thought that was completely out of the question for us. It wasn’t very long ago that I thought having a boyfriend was out of the question for me. It’s the other things that house and all its extra rooms represent that I have a problem with.”

Justin wiped his tears from his eyes and shifted his body away from Brian’s to look out the window. “Just drive me back to my car,” he whispered. “You aren’t making any sense and we’re talking in circles. You are freaking out about the house even though I told you...” He tried to keep himself from crying and felt like a fool. “I told you the house doesn’t mean anything because...”

Brian reached out and placed his hand on Justin’s knee. “You said you loved me.”

Justin shuddered from Brian’s touch. “I meant it and maybe I shouldn’t have said it, but just because we only admitted that we wanted to be together a few months ago, it doesn’t mean that I wasn’t already falling for you. Please, Brian, just make me understand why you’re so upset about that damn house when I said I would give it up in a heartbeat.”

“When you bought the house, were you imagining you and me living there together?”

Justin nodded slowly. “You don’t have to tell me how stupid I was for doing that. I already feel like a dumbass now that I know how you really feel about it.”

“You don’t care how I feel.” Brian could hardly believe he had just spoken something so lesbianic sounding. “Fuck, listen… were you imagining me and you raising kids there together?” he persisted. “Did you imagine what they’d look like? Did you imagine you and me decorating their bedrooms together and playing the roles of Pa and Pa? Is that what kind of life you imagine we’ll have there?”

“Why the fuck are you asking me this shit?” Justin asked, angrily, pushing Brian’s hand off his knee. “Just take me back to my fucking car, Brian. I don’t want to hear you stomp on my silly little fantasies, all right? I get it. You don’t want a life with me in that house because you think it’s too Stepford or too breeder for you. You don’t want to consider a life there with me because it’s not just the house you don’t like, it’s the idea you have of me, and this idea just proves that you don’t know me at all!”

“You’re still avoiding my question! Did you imagine you and me being Pa and Pa, filling those spare rooms up with kids?”

“What does it matter what I imagined?” Justin cried.

Brian was growing more aggravated by the moment and wished Justin would just stop avoiding the question and admit what he was so sure was true. “Did you go through each fucking spare room and imagine blond little yous tucked in their little miniature beds snuggled under Pottery Barn blankets sleeping soundly while you and I...”

“No!” Justin had enough and slammed his hands onto the dashboard. “In one of them. In one of them I imagined a room for Gus. In one other I imagined a child we’d raise together. I did. I’m sorry if that fucks with what you want for your future because you seem to think you’re a shitty father, but I don’t think you are. I think we could be amazing together, no matter what we decided to do with our lives, and just like the house, if it didn’t fit what you wanted then it wouldn’t be right for us together. But you’ve found a loophole to get out of any future with me because you’re scared that I want some big breeder-like family with you. The idea of me even having a kid is so off the radar, so far down the line, it isn’t even funny. And when I did imagine it, the kid wouldn’t look like me; he’d look like you because I’m not stupid enough to have a kid that might have allergies that will stop them from being with the person they love the way I want to be with you. I thought I was lucky to find someone like you who was willing to take the risk with me, but I was wrong.” Justin grabbed Brian’s hands and looked him in the eyes. “I get it, okay? I get it. You don’t want me and you don’t want this and you don’t want a marriage or a future with me at all and we’re not moving in the same direction, so it’s best that we part ways and stop all of this now.”

“You’d give up that easily?” Brian asked, dropping Justin’s hands.

“You formed all these ideas in your head about that stupid fucking house! Granted, I should’ve told you about it, asked your opinion on it, because yes, I want you to live there with me. But that’s not a reason to break up. Brian, you’re terrified that you might want the same things I do and you’d rather be a coward than accept we’re getting closer, that you may actually want the same things I do. You led me to believe that you liked the house, that you liked the idea of being there with me, but really all this bullshit was there boiling inside of you and instead of being a man and talking to me about it right away, you talked yourself out of us and you’re blaming it on me!” Justin jerked the car door open and stepped out. “Go do whatever it is you’d prefer to be doing. I’ll call a cab and go get my car. I’ll get my things out of the loft while you’re at work Monday and leave your key with Michael. This is what you want. You don’t know me at all and I’m not sure you ever wanted to, Brian. So what’s there to give up?”

Brian jerked when the car door slammed shut but he couldn’t find it in himself to move or speak or do anything more than focus on taking deep breaths so he could continue breathing. He watched Justin’s retreating form and only turned away when he saw him enter McDonald’s. Justin was right, he was a coward and he was blaming him for some fantasy Brian had projected onto him. This wasn’t Justin’s fault. Brian was an emotionally stunted asshole and he didn’t know what the fuck he was doing dating anyone, especially someone as perfectly different from him as Justin. Since he met Justin, Brian’s life had been better. He’d grown because of him, but none of that mattered now because he’d screwed them both by letting his fears consume him. He’d fucked things up for good and instead of getting out of the car and going after his man and admitting to his fears, admitting that he was wrong, he did nothing but drive away.

“It’s better this way,” he whispered to himself, hoping that one day soon he’d believe it.

 

*****
 

An hour later, Brian was driving around the outskirts of Pittsburgh with his music blaring, trying to drown out the voice inside his head that kept telling him to give in and go find Justin before it was too late. Justin was so angry with him and Brian had no idea how to fix things. He’d tried to talk to him and ended up fucking things up. If he tried again, he didn’t think things would go any differently.

The feel of his cellphone vibrating in his jeans alerted him to a call and he quickly turned the stereo down before answering the foreign number. “Hello?”

“Brian?”

“Jennifer?” Brian hoped like hell that Justin hadn’t run to his mommy and cried about what he’d done to him. He didn’t think Justin would do that but it seemed convenient that he was getting a phonecall from her when she’d never called him before.

“Yes. Oh shit, Brian. Were you with Justin? Will they not let you see him?”

“With Justin? I left him about an hour ago at...”

“So you weren’t with him?”

Brian began to panic. “With him, where? What happened?”

“Allegheny General called me a few minutes ago. He had an allergic reaction and went into shock.”

“What the fuck did he have a reaction to?” Brian felt as though all of his blood turned to lead and he had to pull over to the side of the road when the feeling of vertigo encompassed him.

“The nurse I spoke with said it had yet to be determined. He had just arrived and she didn’t know much about his condition, just that he’d stopped breathing once. They got him breathing again but since then he hasn’t woken up. Brian, I’m in New York at a realtor convention. I’m going to try to get the next flight out, but he needs someone there with him. If he wakes up alone….”

“He won’t.” Brian took a deep breath, forced himself to calm down and said, “I’m on my way there right now.”

“When you get there, will you tell him that I love him?”

“Yeah,” Brian muttered.

“And call me and let me know how he’s doing. I’ll call the admitting desk back and let them know you’re coming and have permission to see him. Tucker’s waiting for Craig to pick up Molly and then he’s going to pick me up from the airport and we’ll come straight there.”

Brian wasn’t sure Justin would want to see him when he woke up, but there was no fucking way he could tell Jennifer that. “Okay. Should I call Daphne or Trent, let them know what happened?”

“No, and I think Justin would appreciate you not calling any of your friends. He gets so embarrassed when this happens and he would hate having worried so many people. We’ll see who he wants to call once he wakes up. Until then, take care of him and don’t forget to call me with updates, okay?”

“All right.”

“Thanks. Bye, Brian,” Jennifer spoke tearfully before hanging up.

 

*****

 

“A worker found him in the bathroom in one of the stalls passed out and turning blue. I called McDonald’s to find out what he’d ordered and it wasn’t anything on his list of allergies. All he had was a strawberry shake, and a ranch chicken wrap, so we’re guessing at what it could be at this point. Many people have allergies to strawberries but from the condition of his skin, we believe that it may have been the ranch dressing used in the wrap because the reaction wasn’t the same as it would be if it was something purely ingested. Then again, we can’t really predict how Justin’s body will react to things he’s allergic to, so it might also be the lettuce, cheese or chicken. We’ll have to run some tests to be sure once he wakes up.”

Brian paced beside Justin’s bed as Dr. Benton explained what he knew of Justin’s allergy attack. Brian felt sick thinking about Justin alone in the bathroom, struggling for breath and not being able to speak, or get help and tell anyone what was wrong. Guilt clung to every fiber of Brian’s being. He hoped like hell it wasn’t the strawberries because that was one of Justin’s favorite foods and he would hate for Justin to never again get to taste something he loved so much. There were too many things Justin had to give up already.

“After the first injection of epinephrine the EMTs had to inject adrenaline to get his heart going. He woke up for approximately thirty seconds before losing consciousness again. At that point the swelling in his throat had receded and they were able to secure a clear airway and get him bused here. After arrival, we pumped his stomach right away and started clearing out his system. His entire body had a rash and his extremities were grossly swollen. We started him on a round of antibiotics because his skin had split in several places and was secreting puss. He’s going to be in quite a bit of pain when he wakes up. It’s going to be difficult for him to move for a week or so. The rash isn’t as bad as it was with his last reaction, but the swelling is much more severe. Even so, he’s already much better than he was when he was first admitted.”

“Is he sedated?” Brian asked.

“No, but the pain medication he doesn’t have an allergy to is pretty strong so it can cause him to be sleepy. Right now we just have to wait for him to wake up.”

“So you don’t know when he’ll wake up again?” Brian asked fearfully. “Does that mean he’s in a medicated coma?”

“No, he’s just sleeping. He could wake up in thirty seconds or sleep for another thirty hours. At that point we’d be a little worried that his body isn’t recuperating but all his vital signs are normal now and he’s able to breathe on his own. It just takes the body some time to regulate after such trauma and once it does, I am confident he will wake up and be perfectly fine after his skin heals.”

Justin had the softest skin Brian had ever touched. Seeing the rash that covered his skin now, Brian wondered how it could ever look the same. Thankfully, he knew Justin’s skin had looked worse when he had the reaction to mustard, and he’d inspected every inch of his skin and hadn’t found any lasting marks. He hoped that would be the case this time too. Even if there wasn’t a permanent reminder, Justin would be in a lot of pain once he woke up and until he healed. It wasn’t fair that Justin had to go through this and Brian knew that it was his fault.

A man’s deep, hacky cough coming from the other side of the curtain separating the room brought Brian’s focus off the red blotches on Justin’s face. “You’ve got some sick guy rooming with him?” Brian asked the doctor, disgusted. “What if he catches something? His body is most susceptible to viruses after shock!”

“Mr. Kinney, we’re preparing Justin his own room now. He’s only temporarily placed here because...”

“I don’t give a shit about your excuses,” Brian growled in a deep tone. “You need to go find out if that damn room is ready. He’s been here for over an hour; there’s no reason that a room isn’t ready for him. If he catches a bronchial infection because you have him rooming next to...”

“I’ll go check right now,” the doctor said and added, “though this hospital does require our patients to wear masks when they’re infectious and still in the admitting rooms so I assure you, Justin will be fine.”

Brian crossed his arms over his chest and glared at the doctor until the man left the room. He turned back to look at Justin and his expression changed to one of despair as he walked back over and sat in the chair beside the bed. “I’m not one for death bed confessions and the doc says you’re going to be all right, so this isn’t going to be one of those, but you should know, when your mom called me, I was so fucking scared. I don’t want you out of my life and you were right, I was being a coward. You deserve more, you deserve better than me, better than what I’ll ever give you. But I’m a selfish bastard and I don’t want you to be with anyone but me. I just don’t want you to be unhappy and I don’t want you to settle for me just because you think it’ll be too hard to find another man who you can trust. I want you to trust that I want whatever it is you want in the future, but it’s going to take some time. So, if you don’t mind my tantrums, I won’t mind your queen outs and we can figure it all out when you wake up.”

“Mr. Kinney?”

Brian kissed Justin’s forehead before turning. “You ready to move him?” Brian asked.

“Yes,” the nurse said and walked closer. She held out her hand, “I’m Theresa and I’ll be looking after the transfer of Justin to his overnight room and I’ll also be monitoring him until my shift ends tonight.”

“You can call me Brian.” He shook the woman’s hand and appraised her small stature. “You have other people that are going to help you move him?” he asked.

“Of course, the team is upstairs waiting for us.” Theresa removed a small Ziploc bag from the roll cart beside the bed and handed it to Brian. “That’s his keys, cell phone, wallet and whatever else he had in his pockets and jacket. We had to discard all of his clothing because the doctors had to cut it off of him due to the swelling.”

“Thanks.” Brian folded the bag and stuffed it into the inside pocket of his jacket.

Theresa walked over to the roll bed Justin was lying on. She walked to each side, unlatched the brakes and then clipped a belt around Justin's torso and legs. She began to push the cart toward the doorway. “If you want to take a break and make some phonecalls, it’ll be a few minutes before he’s all set up in his room. He’ll be in room 207.”

Brian didn’t want to leave Justin, but he needed to call Jennifer and update her. “Thanks. I’ll do that.”

 

*****
 

After calling Jennifer and giving her an update and finding out she was just about to board her flight, he considered going against what Jennifer had said and calling Michael. However, he knew that if he told Michael, soon Debbie would know and then everyone else too. There was nothing any of them could do by just sitting in the waiting room or worrying at home. He was only allowed to see Justin due to Jennifer’s absence; he wouldn’t be able to give anyone else clearance to do the same. It pained Brian to know that once she arrived he’d have no say in Justin’s care and might even be asked to leave.

He spent the time waiting for her arrival by alternating between cigarette breaks and sitting beside Justin’s bed staring at him and willing him to wake up. He was conscious of each sound the machines measuring Justin’s life made. He turned the television on to keep himself from thinking too much about a stall in a beep or from watching each drip of the I.V. because it had driven him panic crazy after the first hour. He still couldn’t give all of his attention to the news program he watched because his brain was too preoccupied with fear.

He knew that physically, Justin would be okay after a few days. Mentally, Brian wasn’t so confident. Justin more or less broke up with him and he might not even want to see him. But Brian wanted to be there. He wanted to talk to Justin, to ask forgiveness for his assumptions and... Well, he figured that he would start with that and go from there. The shit between them would be the least of Justin’s worries when he woke up.

Brian occasionally talked to Justin while he waited, but mostly he just held the tips of his swollen fingers, the only parts on him that didn’t contain the rash and willed him to wake up. The door clicked open and Brian turned toward it and sighed in relief when he saw Jennifer walking in, Tucker right behind her.

“We spoke to the doctor in the hall,” Jennifer said while rushing over to Justin’s bedside. She kissed Justin’s nose. “The doctor is waiting for Justin to wake up and he’ll have a specialist come in and look at his skin and do another skin allergy test. He said the blood work was inconclusive for showing any new allergies but he wants to be sure as his skin seems to react differently when he touches some allergens as opposed to ingesting them.”

“He still hasn’t woken up,” Brian told her. “But he’s made some noise and wiggled around a little bit.”

“He’s probably in pain, even knocked out from the meds.” Jennifer stood back and shook her head as she wiped away her tears. “He had to be so scared. This is the first time he’s had a reaction all alone.”

Tucker wrapped an arm around Jennifer’s waist and kissed her. “He’s safe now.”

Jennifer looked at Brian and declared, “You look like crap.”

Brian shrugged off the comment and stood up from his chair beside Justin’s bed. “I’m gonna go have a cigarette,” he said, testing to see if Jennifer would expect him to come back.

“I think I’ll join you,” Tucker told Brian and kissed Jennifer’s cheek. “Let you have some time alone mothering him.”

Jennifer nodded and took a seat in the chair Brian had vacated. “Not that there’s much I can do for him.”

 

*****
 

“You don’t have to worry about Jennifer kicking you out of his room,” Tucker said, breaking the silence between him and Brian.

Brian couldn’t believe he’d managed to be so transparent. “Did she tell you that she wanted me there with him?”

“She called you first. She could’ve called Debbie or me or any of Justin’s friends, but she called you,” Tucker said. “I think you know that Jen likes you and wants you in Justin’s life, as long as you make Justin happy of course,” he added in a lighter tone of voice.

“And what if I don’t?” Brian challenged.

Tucker eyed Brian worriedly. “Did something happen with you two today? Is that why you weren’t shopping together?”

“What do you know about that?” Brian asked.

“Justin called our house phone, I picked it up and when I talked to him he sounded upset but he didn’t say why. He asked to speak to Jen but then remembered that she was out of town and hung up right after that. A half hour later Jennifer called to tell me she’d gotten a phonecall from the hospital. I haven’t told her about Justin calling because I didn’t think it was a big deal but...”

“It isn’t any of your business,” Brian interrupted, tossing his cigarette as he walked away. “You’re not his father.”

Tucker grabbed the sleeve of Brian’s coat and pulled him back to face him. “Whether Justin wants to claim me or not, I’m as close to a real father as he’s going to have. I love Jennifer and those kids are a part of her. I love and care about them the same way I’m sure Justin loves and cares about your son.”

Brian shook Tucker’s arm off him and gave him a deathly glare. “I don’t care who the fuck you are. I’m not gonna...”

“Brian, I’m not asking you to tell me why Justin was upset today. I just want you to answer one question.”

Brian shrugged. “What?”

“Did Jennifer do the right thing, calling you? Or should I have come and waited with him instead?”

“That’s two questions.”

Tucker rolled his eyes and huffed out a laugh. “Fine, please answer them both then.”

“I don’t know,” Brian admitted.

“To both questions?” Tucker asked and saw Brian nod in answer. “Jennifer’s pretty certain that Justin is in love with you.”

“He told me.”

Tucker grinned for a moment but then frowned. “Don’t tell me you’re one of those guys who despises those three little words.”

Brian lit another cigarette and offered one to Tucker before sitting down on the concrete bench. “Are you gonna recite our conversation word for word to Justin’s mommy?”

Tucker laughed. “Brian, unless you tell me something that is going to harm my family there’s no reason for me to say anything. Jen and I have a great relationship. We’re best friends, but no spouses tell one another every single thing.”

Best friends. Brian noticed how easily Tucker had grouped that word with the word spouse, as if it was natural. When he and Justin had only been best friends, he’d loved and hated it equally. Before, Justin had been the first person he wanted to tell things to, whether it was telling him a dirty joke, telling him about his day at work or telling him about an online Burberry sale. After they became a couple none of that changed like Brian had been afraid that it would and things only seemed to get better until he allowed his bullshit to fuck it all up.

There were some things Brian couldn’t talk to Justin about, things he would never tell him because he didn’t want Justin damaged by them. But these things, the deepest secrets he could never tell, they were things that held him back. Acknowledging this made Brian extremely angry because these secrets and memories, he didn’t want them to touch him either. He’d allowed them to and he’d given them power to control his life, his emotions and his future. It was time for that to end.

“So, when Justin said them, did they scare you and you two fought? Are you one of those guys that hate hearing those three words?” Tucker asked again.

“Before he said them,” Brian confessed, “I didn’t know what they meant.”

 

*****
 

Justin woke up a few minutes after Brian and Tucker got back into the room. Jennifer had gestured for Brian to take a seat beside Justin’s bed and Brian had placed his hand in Justin’s, which Justin had gripped onto tightly as he woke, gasping and coughing.

“You’re in the hospital,” Brian said quietly, once Justin had gained control over his breathing. “But you’re going to be okay,” he promised.

Justin’s eyes widened and he looked around the room and met his mother’s concerned gaze. “Mom… y… you’re… here?”

Jennifer approached Justin and sat at the foot of the bed. “Of course I am. I got a flight back and…”

“I almost died, right?” Justin asked, closing his eyes while he tried to process what had happened to him. The last thing he remembered he was slapping the door of the bathroom stall, feeling burning pain throughout his body as he desperately tried to take a breath and call for help. Tunnel vision encompassed him and the worst fear he’d ever experienced followed him into a black abyss. He’d had a near death experience, which for him, wasn’t something new. But in the moments before he blacked out, this time he wasn’t only focused on the fear of death, of what came after life, but was focused on the life he would be leaving if he died, more importantly, the man he loved and would leave behind.

Brian saw the tears running down Justin’s face and wanted to gather the man in his arms but he knew that would only cause him more pain. “Yes, you almost died,” he affirmed in a grave voice. “But you didn’t, you fought it and you’re all right now.”

“I feel groggy,” Justin said, opening his eyes and focusing on Brian again.

“That’s because the pain medication made you sleep, honey,” Jennifer informed him.

“Are you in pain now?” Brian knew that Justin was, but he hoped that the meds would still be in his system enough to dull it some.

“Yes,” Justin said. Every single part of him hurt but he knew that the more pain medication he took, the longer it would take for the grogginess to go away and he needed to have a clear mind for what was to come. “I need some water.”

“Here,” Jennifer said. She walked over to where a pitcher and cup sat on the table beside Justin’s bed and poured him a drink.

“Thank you,” Justin said, accepting the cup of water and drinking it slowly. He handed it back to his mother and asked, “What has the doctor said?” He looked down at his skin and flinched at how grotesque it was. “I want to leave as soon as possible.”

“As soon as you’re feeling better,” Brian said.

“I’ll go get the doctor,” Tucker said, quickly leaving the room.

Justin slowly, painfully turned to face Brian. “Help me sit up?”

Brian looked at Justin and tried to assess where he could touch him. His hands weren’t as swollen as they’d been when he was first moved to the room, so he grabbed both and helped pull him upright while Jennifer pressed the button on the bed to shift it up.

“Fuck,” Justin groaned as he adjusted to the position.

“How much pain are you in?” Jennifer asked, her eyes filled with unshed tears.

Justin looked up at his mother and felt guilty for putting her through this. “Not too much. I just itch a lot. I’ll be okay, don’t worry.”

Brian moved from the chair to sit beside Justin on the bed, gently wiped away his tear tracks and kissed him soft and slow. “I’m really fucking glad you woke up.” He kissed him again and only pulled away when the door to the room opened and Dr. Benton, Nurse Theresa and Tucker walked into the room.

Theresa administered more pain medication through the I.V., even though Justin protested at first, she assured him that it was a low dose that would take a little while to affect him. Then, Dr. Benton examined him and updated Justin on his care. He was afraid that if he touched Justin’s rash while examining him that he might irritate it, so he told Justin that he would call for a specialist that would see to the rest of his recovery.

Justin was relieved that the doctor didn’t want to start poking him, but Brian wasn’t happy. He didn’t like that Justin’s care was being passed to someone else and wondered why the specialist wasn’t put in charge of his care in the first place if Dr. Benton didn’t know how to properly care for him. He remained silent though because he knew that Justin wouldn’t appreciate him telling the doctor off when he could speak for himself. It was an entirely different situation when Justin was still sleeping.

After the doctor and nurse left the room, Jennifer did everything she could to be sure that Justin would be okay when she left. Justin was very apologetic the whole time, telling her how sorry he was for ruining her trip to New York. In less than a year, he’d ruined two of his mother’s trips. As soon as he could, he’d arrange a trip for his mother and Tucker to take together and while they were gone, he vowed that he wouldn't do or eat anything that might cause him any danger. If that meant him spending two weeks holed up in his apartment eating only bread and drinking only water, he’d do it. No matter what Jennifer told him, Justin felt guilty that his mother had to drop everything to come home to deal with his medical emergency. He finally assured her enough that he’d be fine and got her to agree to go home and come back in the morning.

“Take good care of my son,” Jennifer said as she bent down and kissed Brian’s cheek.

“I will, Mother Taylor,” Brian said in an overly sweet tone but his expression was serious, meaningful.

“Bye, Justin. I’m glad you’re okay,” Tucker said. While Jennifer had Justin’s attention, gently hugging and kissing Justin goodbye, Tucker stared at Brian with a daring look on his face. “See you, Brian.”

“Justin, make sure you call me if you need anything.”

“I will, Mom.” Justin was reluctant to let his mother leave because he knew that as soon as she did, he would be forced to confront Brian and he was scared of the consequences the conversation would likely produce.

Brian squeezed Justin’s hand in his sweaty one; he hadn’t let go of it since the moment Justin had grabbed it when he woke up. “I’ll take care of him.”

Justin smiled the best he could manage as his mother took Tucker’s offered hand and they both walked out of the room, closing the door behind them. Justin felt like his heart was being ripped out of his chest as he extracted his hand from Brian’s grip and forced himself to speak, “No, you won’t.”

Brian rolled his eyes. “Don’t start this ‘I’m a man, I can take care of myself’ sanctimonious bullshit.” He allowed the emotions he felt when Jennifer told him Justin was hospitalized to be what was most present in his mind and influence his next words, “You were hurt and you need someone to take care of you until you can do it yourself. Even if you didn’t need me, I’d still want to take care of you.” It surprised him that it was actually easy to tell Justin that he wanted to be there for him. Still, Brian knew that alone wouldn’t be enough to solve the problems he’d created between them that morning.

“Brian, before you say something else you’ll be embarrassed about and regret saying to me later, I need you to clear something up.” He grabbed for the cup of water from the table and took a few more drinks, hoping that his voice wouldn’t sound so weak if he lubricated his throat a little more.

“What would that be?” Brian asked.

“We did have a fight this morning in McDonald’s parking lot, correct?”

“Are you having a hard time remembering stuff?” Brian reached up and began to carefully move Justin’s hair around, his fingers gently checking for any bumps on his head. “Did you hit your head when you passed out? The doctor didn’t say…”

“I’m okay,” Justin said, his eyes fluttering shut unwillingly. He loved when Brian played with his hair, desperately wanted the intimate touching to continue but he had to stop it before he let things go so long that he would be unable to talk this out with Brian. He jerked Brian’s hands away from him. “I remember everything. But you’re acting like you don’t!”

Brian had gone through so many different emotions since their conversation that morning, but now he felt something completely new. He doubted Justin’s feelings for him, doubted that he would be able to make up with him. He stood up from Justin’s bed and backed away, wanting to give the man space. He would have to gather his nerve and tell Justin what he needed to hear. “Justin, after what happened to you I…”

“What happened to me hasn’t changed anything, Brian. It hasn’t changed how I feel and I don’t believe it’s changed how you feel, either.”

Justin was right and he was wrong. It didn’t change how Brian felt; it only made his feelings stronger, more urgent. “Maybe we should talk about this after you’ve had some rest,” Brian suggested. He wasn’t running from it, but he also wanted to be sure that Justin would be able to take in what he had to say without the pain and lethargy getting in the way.

Justin smiled sadly. “Why? Do you think that because I’ve got some drugs pumped in me that I’m not capable of carrying on a conversation with you?”

“I didn’t say that,” Brian said. “But once you’re not in so much pain, you might not be so…”

“The physical pain I’m in doesn’t hold a candle to my emotional pain, Brian. You hurt me. You can’t think that I’m just going to forget about what happened. You said things that I’m not just going to forget.”

“I know I did, but what I said….” Brian walked closer to Justin and looked into his eyes. “I don’t know how to start and I’m… I’m fucking confused because this morning just didn’t go how I’d planned.”

“Yeah,” Justin gritted out, “it didn’t go how I wanted either. I am, after all, sitting in a fucking hospital bed after yet another near death experience.” Brian’s eyes widened and Justin could see fear in his expression. “But I’m alive now and I remember what happened, perfectly. We broke up. We’re still broken up. I’m sorry if you’re confused.”

“I haven’t forgotten either but not five minutes ago you had your tongue down my throat. Now you’re picking a fight with me and telling me we’re not together anymore so yeah, I think I have every right to be confused.”

“First of all, you kissed me in front of my mom and Tucker. I kissed you back because it felt good to be comforted by you, it felt good to be alive. I’m sorry about that, I shouldn’t have used you for comfort but I wasn’t thinking too clearly and I didn’t think you’d appreciate me having this conversation with you while my mom and Tucker were in the room with us.”

Brian felt like a complete idiot and he was beginning to realize that no matter what he said, Justin was too angry with him to believe any apology he might make.

“Don’t you have anything to say?” Justin asked, his voice shaking. The pain he’d been doing his best to keep at bay reappeared like a tsunami, overtaking his body in one big rush, and he wished he’d told Teresa to give him a full dose so that he didn’t have to feel anything at all. “Bri…” It hurt to move but he knew he had to sit up more or he’d choke on his own vomit. Pain medication always made him queasy. He used all the energy he had to grab the bars on the side of the bed, propelled himself to sit up and as soon as he did, he threw up all over himself.

“Oh fuck!” Brian rushed over to Justin, grabbed the bed pan from under the bed and placed it on Justin’s lap, though there really was no point because Justin barely noticed it was there and managed to hit the pan only once.

“Oh god,” Justin gasped for breath and reached for Brian’s hand, unable to stop the need to do so. He coughed and threw up more and more, feeling panicked as the constant heaves caused him to be unable to draw a good breath. “Brrrriiiian...help me...” he sobbed.

“Shh... don’t cry,” Brian soothed, silently praying for the vomiting to stop so Justin would no longer be in pain. “I’m here. You’re okay. You’re okay.”

Justin sucked in deep breaths as his stomach gradually began to settle. “I don’t wanna do this. I hate doing this.”

“You’re all right now.” Brian felt guilty and helpless. “It’s okay, just take slow deep breaths.”

“I hate this,” Justin moaned and flopped back against the bed once his dry heaves stopped.

“I know,” Brian commiserated. “But they had to pump your stomach and apparently, puking up bile is a common side-effect. I’m going to call for a nurse,” he said, pressing the button and calling for someone to come into the room. He took the bed pan away, grabbed some paper towels and began to clean Justin’s smock off. “We’ll have someone help you take this off.”

Justin blinked up at Brian and whispered, “No. I don’t want...” he cleared his irritated throat. “I don’t want anyone to see me naked. Just you. You’re the only one who … who has.”

Brian refrained from reminding Justin that, because all he was now wearing was the hospital gown, that this meant an orderly or nurse had likely already seen him naked. “I’m sure there’s a fresh smock somewhere,” Brian told him and began hunting around the drawers under the bed and finally found one. “Can you sit up again?” Brian was afraid to touch Justin too much because of the swelling and rash.

Justin gripped Brian’s hands and slowly sat up, wincing from the movement and breathless from the pain he felt. “Th… thanks,” he wheezed.

“Anytime, Sunshine,” Brian spoke softly, untying the gown. He slowly slid it off Justin’s body, being extra careful not to drag the material across his skin any more than necessary. He pushed the soiled bedding aside and then helped Justin get into the fresh hospital gown.

Theresa and an orderly came in moments later and took Justin’s vitals while changing the bedding. The nurse assured Justin that the skin specialist would be coming to see him soon, gave him a glass of cool water and then left room.

Everything Brian had imagined saying to Justin that he hoped would smooth things over between them evaporated from his mind as he looked at Justin lying in the bed. He was there because of him. Justin had gone into McDonald’s, a place he never ate at, took a big risk, likely because he wasn’t thinking clearly due to their fight and now… now he was in pain that was so severe it was causing his whole body to tremble. Worse, he’d told Brian that the emotional pain he felt trumped the physical! Brian hated himself for that and he realized that if he made Justin feel shittier on the inside than what Brian could see before him, it was obvious to him that he was no good for Justin and no matter what he hoped for, Justin needed to be with someone else, someone who wouldn’t hurt him the way he had. It didn’t matter how he felt or what he wanted, not anymore.

“I could feel it,” Justin said, “coming on. I didn’t want my mom to know that I was in so much pain. She worries so much and…”

“You don’t have to explain,” Brian said.

Justin wiped away the tears streaming down his face; his heart felt like it was being pulled from his chest as he stared up at Brian, once again wanting to take comfort from him but he denied himself of it because it was obvious that it was something he would have to get used to. “I can’t forget about what happened. What you said today… you can’t say that you didn’t mean it, can you?”

Brian gulped and resolved himself to what was about to happen. This was what needed to happen so that Justin would move on and find the person who deserved him. Justin’s health was something so fragile but his heart was moreso, and Brian had crushed it beyond repair. “No, no I can’t.” He was lying to Justin. He never thought that he would lie to the man, but he told himself that it was better this way. It was better to let Justin go.

“Then you should go,” Justin said. This time there were no tears that fell as he closed his eyes. “Please, just go.”

“Justin…” The words, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said’ wanted to claw their way out of Brian’s mouth but he wouldn’t let them. He couldn’t deceive Justin into thinking that he’d ever be enough for him. “If you need anything….”

“I won’t,” Justin said, barely holding back a sob.

There it was, the truth, Justin did not need him. “Later.”

“Later.” Justin heard Brian cross the room, listened as the door opened, clicked shut and then he cried. He was too needy, too big of a risk and he couldn’t do again to Brian what he’d done to him today. He’d believed that Brian might love him, but now that Brian had a taste of what a life with Justin might be like for the future, the pain and worry Justin had seen in his eyes when he woke up, was something he couldn’t allow the man he loved to ever feel again.

 

*****
 

Justin spent three days in the hospital and was cleared of any new allergies. It was a relief but also disappointing because it confirmed that he’d done something completely idiotic and ate something that he shouldn’t have, simply because he hadn’t researched the ingredients beforehand. McDonald’s used a different kind of ranch dressing in their wraps than what was in the sauce dips. The dip contained both celery and mustard seed; he’d spilled an entire container on his hand after opening it and had ingested his entire wrap before the reaction came on. He had gone to the bathroom to use the restroom and that was when he began to feel it.

It had been two weeks since that morning and Justin had a hard time even passing a McDonald’s without breaking into a sweat and reliving those minutes of terror he experienced before blacking out. Physically, he’d healed faster than after his previous hospital stay, thanks to the skin specialist who gave him safe creams and vitamins that helped his skin renew itself at a faster pace.

Emotionally he was a total mess, depressed like he’d never been before but trying his best not to appear that way to his family or friends and especially not to Lindsay. He felt bad enough that he had to take time off work so shortly after starting and wanted to appear as the happy employee she’d hired, no matter how shitty he really felt. From the look on her face as she sat beside him at lunch, he could tell no matter how ‘okay’ he tried to appear, his time was up and she was going to talk to him about Brian whether he wanted to or not.

“Gus misses you,” she said, sitting across from him at the table in the small kitchen where all the employees ate their lunch.

Justin was surprised that she started with that. He’d expected her to insist on knowing exactly what happened between them, as every other friend had asked for details. He didn’t tell anyone, saying it was none of their business and as far as he knew, Brian hadn’t told anyone else the details of their break up either. He felt like an asshole as he thought of the little boy he’d grown so close to probably wondering why he was suddenly not around. “I’m sorry… I promise I’ll come to see him soon. I just wasn’t sure if…”

“We’re friends,” Lindsay interrupted. “No matter what happens with you and Brian. And everyone else feels the same way. Especially Gus.”

Justin blushed in shame. “I’m sorry. I’ll come to see him, if you really think that would be okay.”

Lindsay smiled. “Of course it’s all right. He’s been asking to see your house. Emmett happened to mention that you had a pool and that’s all he’s been talking about.”

“I really hope I haven’t hurt him by not being around,” Justin said. “I told myself that if Brian and I were to break up that I wouldn’t let that get in the way of mine and Gus’ relationship and now I’ve gone against what I promised myself. It’s just that I’ve been…”

“Justin, you only came back to work a few days ago. You’ve had a really rough time lately and I told Gus that you were sick and that because you were moving too, you were very busy. He isn’t hurt and I know you would never intentionally do such a thing. I just wanted you to know that he misses you and wants to see you soon.”

Justin sighed with relief. “How about Saturday? You and Mel can come out to the house and…” He stopped talking when he saw Lindsay’s smile turn into a frown. “Oh shit, I forgot, Brian will have him Saturday.”

“He will,” Lindsay said and put her hand on Justin’s. “But he won’t have him all day. How about we come over in the afternoon?”

“That sounds good,” Justin agreed. “But, just so you know, I still haven’t furnished everything. I was going to have Emmett help me plan a party but now I’m not too sure that’s a good idea.”

“Why not?” Lindsay asked.

“I know you say that everyone still wants to be my friend, but don’t you think that’s going to be awkward?”

“Justin, you were our friend before you and Brian dated and you’re still our friend. As far as your relationship with Brian is concerned, I’m not going to pry, but I just want to remind you that I do know him, perhaps not as well as you grew to know him, but if you need to talk about anything I’m here to listen. Objectively.”

“Thanks,” Justin said. “Daphne, Trent, my mom, they say the same thing but they don’t love Brian like I…” He took a bite of his sandwich to stop the words he was about to speak from coming out of his mouth.

Lindsay laughed. “Like you love him? You know it’s okay to still love him, even if you are broken up for now.”

Justin swallowed his bite and pointed out, “It’s not just for now. We’re not compatible, Lindsay. We want different futures and even though I thought we could compromise on some things… there are some things we can’t and that isn’t going to change.”

“Fine,” Lindsay said. “But please continue what you were going to say.”

“Oh, just that… Mom, Daphne and Trent like Brian, but even though I haven’t given them details about why we broke up, they blame him. So I can’t talk to them about it, because they just don’t understand that it wasn’t only him. It was me, too. But to them, I can do no wrong. I don’t think I really want to talk about it. I’m not ready. But if I do, I couldn’t talk to them. And I know you love Brian, but you’re not immune to his faults either; still, I don’t want to put you in an awkward position.”

“You wouldn’t,” Lindsay said reassuringly.

“And you don’t think Brian will feel awkward having me hanging around with all you guys?”

“If he did, that’d be his problem,” Lindsay said. “But you know Brian isn’t a petty man. In fact, I think that if you two really don’t end up together then you’ll have no choice but to become friends once again.”

Justin couldn’t imagine that happening but he wasn’t going to say that to Lindsay. “No, Brian isn’t petty, but it might hurt him, me being around all the time. And I don’t want to do that.”

“It would hurt him if you didn’t.”

“I just don’t think I’m ready to hang out with the gang just yet,” Justin admitted.

Lindsay nodded. “We understand, believe me. So whenever you are ready you know we’ll be here.” She stood and kissed his cheek. “I’ll talk to Mel about Saturday and let you know tomorrow, okay?”

Justin felt better as he imagined seeing Gus again. “That sounds great.” He loved Gus just for who he was, but it would be nice to be around the little version of the man he loved when he couldn’t yet be around Brian. He was sure that Brian and everyone else probably thought the reason was because he was angry with Brian because of their breakup, but it had nothing to do with that. Justin wasn’t sure he could be around Brian because he wasn’t sure he’d be able to stop himself from begging Brian to come back to him, and he knew that wouldn’t do either of them any good.

 

*****
 

Ted bumped his bottle of water against Brian’s shot of Beam. “You know, I haven’t failed to notice that even though you’re a free man, you’re not…”

“Shut the fuck up,” Brian interrupted and downed his shot.

“Brian, it’s been two weeks since you and Justin broke up,” Michael said. “Maybe you should…”

“Give him time,” Ben said, putting his hand over Michael’s mouth.

“Two weeks isn’t long enough to mourn no longer having Sunshine in his life,” Emmett said.

“Technically, it’s been two weeks and three days,” Ted added.

Blake took a cue from Ben and put his hand over Ted’s mouth. “Shh… you’ve already been fired once tonight and I’m really counting on that bonus you’re promised so we can finally take a vacation.”

“Would you all shut the fuck up about Justin?” Brian growled. “We’re fucking not together anymore and it was a mutually agreed upon decision. Neither one of us are crying in our beers about it. In fact, he’s doing just fine as I’m sure you all know since he had dinner at Deb’s tonight with you. I’m fucking fabulous, as I’m sure the trick who had my dick down his throat while you were all too busy shoving Deb’s lasagna down your throats can tell you, so you need to get the fuck over it and stop talking about it!” He then turned to get his shot glass filled up. “Another,” he told the bartender.

“Haven’t seen Justin around,” the bartender said.

Brian said nothing to the man but mentally wrote the name ‘Steven’ on his mental check list of employees up for a re-evaluation this quarter. After taking his shot, he ordered another beer and turned back around to face his annoying friends but was surprised to see all but Ted were headed to the dance floor.

“You may be fooling all these tricks and even the guys,” Ted said. He leaned closer and spoke near Brian’s ear so only he could hear him, “But you’re not fucking any of them. Humping them fully clothed on the dance floor is not fucking and I know for a fact that you’re still faithful to Justin.”

“Fucking stalking me, Theodore?” Brian growled.

“No, but you’ve forgotten that I wasn’t at Deb’s tonight. I was here, supervising the install of the new lights and I’ve been here since. You walked in only a few minutes before the guys so…”

“I didn’t necessarily say it was this fucking backroom,” Brian bitched.

Ted rolled his eyes. “Brian, stop. Just fucking admit that you’re still faithful to Justin and admit to yourself why that is.”

“What the fuck business is it of yours? Is your sex life so boring that you have to be obsessed with mine?”

“No,” Ted said, nonplussed. “My sex life, my raw sex life is so fucking fabulous that I just can’t help but hope that my friend gets to experience a fraction of the pleasure I experience when I make love to Blake. Whatever happened with you two, you need to fix it. I don’t think anyone else wants to tell you because they think you already feel guilty about whatever occurred with you and Justin, but Blake told me that Justin isn’t fine. He said he’s putting on an act and at dinner everyone was blind to it but him. He even caught Justin looking at the door a few times as if he was hoping you’d walk in.”

“It’s over,” Brian said adamantly. He walked into the throngs of dancing bodies, picked a man he’d been eying the entire time Ted had been talking in his ear and dragged him by his belt loops into the back room.
 

Return to Credence