Credence
 

Chapter Ten: “Definitely Not Sure That I'm Not Sure”

I am just another fool and I have to keep telling myself that
I am just a hypocrite and I have to keep calling you one
And I forgot to bite my tongue as my assumption is the mother of all mistakes
So I assume the role, open my mouth and clumsy words escape
So why you wanna be there when you could be here, you are slipping away ~ Selected Lyrics from Violins by Lagwagon
 

*****

November

“Justin, wait!” Jennifer rushed down the stairs.

Justin held up his pack of cigarettes. “I wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye,” he told her. “I’m just going out for a smoke.”

“Then I’ll go out with you,” Jennifer said, grabbing her coat from the closet.

Justin groaned, “I guess I was wrong when I thought I’d gotten through an entire Thanksgiving dinner without hearing a lecture.”

Jennifer smiled and followed Justin outside. “I don’t think that Tucker’s parents want to hear what I have to say to you.”

Justin lit his cigarette. “That bad?” he asked, cringing.

“No,” Jennifer said, taking a seat on the stoop beside Justin. “I just want to know why you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” Justin said. When he saw his mother’s stern face he sighed and admitted, “All right, I have… but not really.”

Jennifer laughed. “Sweetie, what does that even mean?”

“It’s not like I’ve singled you out, that’s all.”

“So, I should feel better knowing that it isn’t just me you’ve been avoiding, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that you’ve been avoiding your friends too?”

“I’ve seen my friends,” Justin said. “I just haven’t felt like going out dancing.”

“At Babylon,” Jennifer said.

“Not everything is about Brian.”

“Of course not,” Jennifer said softly. “But it probably feels like that for you right now.”

Justin tossed his half-smoked cigarette and turned toward his mother. “At first, all anyone wanted to talk about with me was Brian. Once I told them I wasn’t ready to talk, they all just stopped mentioning him altogether.”

“They probably feel awkward,” Jennifer said.

“I have talked to Lindsay about it, but she doesn’t know everything. She doesn’t know that Brian and I can’t really…” he paused and chose a cleaner version than what he had been about to speak, “make love.”

“You do know why you’ve been avoiding me, don’t you?” Jennifer asked, wrapping an arm around Justin’s waist.

Justin shook his head and felt tears forming in his eyes. “No.”

“Because even though I am angry at Brian for hurting you, you know that I will tell you the truth because I know the whole truth.”

“And what is the truth?” Justin asked.

“You have never given up on any of your dreams, Justin. If you really want things to work with Brian, and I believe you do, then you’re going to have to stop thinking that Brian is sacrificing who he is to be with you and believe that who he really is, is the person he’s brave enough to be, because of you.”

Justin looked at his mother with a confused expression. “I don’t think that. I even told Brian…”

“You may have told him one thing,” Jennifer said, “but if you really believed it, you wouldn’t have broken up with him at the hospital.”

“I didn’t break up with him at the hospital,” Justin told her. “Remember, I told you, we’d already broken up before and the only reason he was there acting like a boyfriend was because he was scared. I’m sorry for fooling you while you were there but I didn’t want to embarrass Brian. Besides, me being hospitalized didn’t change him, it didn’t change how he felt… or should I say, how he doesn’t feel.”

Jennifer turned and took Justin by the shoulders and stared into his eyes. “Justin, I’m going to tell you something and I’m going to say this with all the love I have for you…”

“This sounds like a lecture,” Justin whined.

“You are the fool, Justin, and I think you may have embarrassed Brian more by allowing him to think all was forgiven for those few minutes Tucker and I were in the room, than if you’d pushed him away. It was an emotional day and I know that you went through hell and you probably weren’t thinking clearly, but you have to look at it from Brian’s point of view.”

Justin pushed Jennifer’s arms off his shoulders and stepped down the stairs, infuriated. “I can’t believe you’re on his side!”

“I’m not,” Jennifer said, standing up. “I’m on your side and I want you to be happy.”

“You called me a fool,” he pointed out.

Jennifer nodded. “You’re a fool in love,” she said. “That can do a lot of damage to one’s common sense. I’m speaking from experience here.”

“Because of dad,” Justin said.

“This conversation isn’t about me and your dad. This is about you and Brian. I just want you to think about how Brian must have felt, how relieved and happy he must have been the moment you opened your eyes, how ecstatic he probably was when you kissed him back. From what you’ve told me and what I’ve observed, Brian had probably been working out a plan on how to get you back the entire time you were sleeping.”

“Oh, fuck,” Justin said, walking back over and sitting beside Jennifer. “That day when we fought in the car, he said something like… ‘this conversation isn’t how I planned’… and I just thought he was saying that sarcastically but he probably really had planned what he was going to say and something had gone wrong and then… then at the hospital, if he planned to say something to me then too, I ruined it. I didn’t even give him a chance, mom.”

“You can’t force him to stick up for himself in the ways that matter,” Jennifer said. “That isn’t your fault.”

“What do I do?” Justin asked, turning toward his mother, tears streaming down his face.

“I can’t tell you what to do but I know where you need to start,” she said softly, rubbing his back. “You need to make Brian realize that you aren’t settling for him because he’s the first guy that you trust to be monogamous, to wait for you. You need to accept that there could be other men, that it doesn’t have to be Brian, but that you’ve chosen him for reasons that don’t only revolve around what you can or cannot give to him in your sex life.”

“I do know that,” Justin said. “But you’re right. I didn’t let Brian know that and now everything is so fucked up.”

“But you can fix it,” Jennifer encouraged.

“He won’t want to talk to me. He isn’t ever around any of the guys when I am and I don’t think he wants to talk to me. Trent told me he hasn’t seen him at Babylon all week and you know what that means?”

Jennifer shrugged. “That he’s not felt like dancing?”

“No,” Justin whispered. “He’s probably decided to find tricks elsewhere.”

“At a bathhouse,” Jennifer said, shocking Justin.

“Oh god!” Justin covered his face.

“Honey, it’s not like I don’t know about these places, but what makes you so sure that Brian maybe hasn’t been doing the same thing you have?”

“I doubt that Brian has been wallowing in self pity and putting his emotions on canvas.”

Jennifer laughed and wiped the tear tracks from Justin’s face. “He’s probably been putting his emotions into his work, but he is human, so the wallowing in self-pity part just may be accurate. You need to talk to him.”

“But what if I’m right?” Justin asked. “What if he has been with other guys?”

“If he has, is that something you could forgive?”

“I don’t know. On one hand, I don’t think I’d have any right to be upset about it, but on the other hand… if he has been with other guys then doesn’t it mean that he’s thrown away everything we had?”

“I don’t know the answer to that,” Jennifer said regretfully. “But maybe it just means that you’ll have to start over.”

 

*****
 

Michael opened the front door and found Brian standing on his front porch. “Brian.”

Brian brushed past Michael, shoving a six pack of beer into his hands. “Where’s the nutty Professor? I picked him up a little something too,” he said waving a bottle of wine.

“He’s in the kitchen,” Michael said needlessly as Brian was already making his way there.

“Professor,” Brian greeted, “I hope tonight’s wine selection is to your liking.”

Ben glanced over at Michael and then to the bottle of wine in Brian’s hand. “Sauvignon Blanc,” he said, taking it from him. “That’s my favorite.”

“As you said last night,” Brian told him. “So, what’s for dinner?”

Ben looked down at the food he’d just prepared and then over to the two place settings at the table. “After last night’s Thanksgiving feast, we decided to eat light tonight, just a salad and…”

“Looks good,” Brian said, leaning down and plucking a piece of spinach from the bowl and putting it into his mouth. “Tastes good too.”

Michael gave his fiancé a desperate look. “Uh… Brian, it’s Friday so shouldn’t you be at Woody’s or…”

“Tricks can wait,” Brian said, draping one arm over Michael’s shoulder and the other over Ben’s. “At least until I’m done enjoying this wonderful meal with my friends.”

Michael extracted himself from Brian’s hold and plopped the beer on the counter. “You’re spoiling us with your company,” Michael said.

Brian smiled smugly. “Of course I am.”

“You do know that there’s tofu in the salad,” Michael said.

“So that’s what that stuff is,” Brian joked. “I was listening when Ben said he was trying tofu in a new dish for dinner tonight. That’s why I picked out the wine he said went best with it.”

“So you actually plan on eating it?” Michael asked.

Brian shrugged. “Why not?”

“Uh… well, Ben and I were actually going to…”

“Oh, gotta piss,” Brian said, cutting Michael off and darting from the kitchen.

Once Michael heard the door to the bathroom upstairs close he turned to Ben and gave him an apologetic expression. “I’m sorry, I know you planned this romantic evening but it looks like that’s going to have to wait.”

“Just like the night before last,” Ben said, amused. “And the night before that.”

“He’s behaving so strangely,” Michael whispered.

“I’m disappointed that we’re not having the night we planned, but it was nice to taken out on Wednesday to Morton’s, we’d never be able to blow money on a place like that, but it sure did taste good.”

“It was good,” Michael agreed, “but it was weird. Never in all the years that I’ve known him has he ever invited our whole group out to dinner together.”

“You’re forgetting Justin’s graduation,” Ben said.

“Right,” Michael whispered. “Something is wrong. Seriously, seriously wrong. First, he invites Ted, Blake and us to the loft on Tuesday for pizza, and then Wednesday he invites the whole family to Morton’s. Yesterday he was one of the first to arrive at Ma’s and he stayed until all the dishes were washed and put away. That was two family dinners in two consecutive nights and now he’s going to eat tofu?”

Ben laughed. “I’m not sure why this sounds so strange to you.”

“You know Brian,” Michael said. “He listened to you talk about tofu and wine. He’s being attentive and buying you expensive wine and now that I think about it, it isn’t just you he was being attentive to. Brian was on his best behavior last night and he had in depth conversations with every single one of us without even cracking a single joke. Plus, it’s not just this week and it’s not just us. Melanie mentioned that on Monday he took Lindsay, Gus and her to dinner at Mel’s favorite vegetarian restaurant!”

“Maybe he’s just choosing to live a healthier life,” Ben said. “Inside and out.”

“Going out for a smoke,” Brian yelled out as he stomped down the stairs.

At the sound of the front door closing behind Brian, Ben had to laugh and said encouragingly, “One step at a time.”

“I know what’s wrong with him,” Michael said softly, giving in to Brian staying, as he opened a beer.

“Babe, I’m really not sure why Brian spending time with his friends is something to worry about,” Ben said, beginning to put together an extra place setting.

“I guess it isn’t something to worry about,” Michael conceded. “But it doesn’t mean that he’s turned over a new leaf.”

Ben popped the cork on the bottle of wine and asked. “So, Professor of Brian Kinney, what does it mean?”

“It means … he misses Justin.”

“Well of course he does,” Ben said. “He loves him.”

“I know… but I didn’t think this would be his reaction to them breaking up.”

“As annoying as this reaction may be,” Ben admitted, “it’s better than the alternative. So you know what this means?”

“That he’s gone off the deep end?” Michael asked.

Ben smiled. “It means he’s growing up.”

Brian came back inside a few minutes later and sat down. “So,” he said, “wanna go to a movie tomorrow night? The new Clooney film looks fucking great.”

Michael almost choked on his beer. “You want to go to a movie on a Saturday night?” He’d never seen Brian in love, and therefore, he’d never seen him post-breakup crazy and wondered why just once Brian Kinney couldn’t react to things like a normal human being?

Brian sipped his wine and nodded. “It’s not like I have anything better planned, in fact, I should call Ted and Em, see if they want to come too.”

Michael was positive they had somehow entered an alternate universe of some kind. “Actually, Brian, tomorrow…”

“Sounds great,” Ben cut off Michael and smiled at his fiancé. “I’ve been wanting to see the new Clooney film and so has Michael.”

Later, after Brian left, Michael asked, “Why did you tell Brian we’d go?”

“Because, we’re his friends and he needs us right now. Not that we ever will, but I’d hope that if we ever broke up he’d be a good friend to you too.”

Michael nodded. “He would be,” he said confidently. “But the problem is, none of us are who he really wants. He wants his best friend.”

“Then we’ll all just have to step into that role until they’re back together.”

“You think they’re going to get back together?” Michael asked, shocked. “You heard what Justin said a few weeks ago, he and Brian are over.”

“Yet he’s still drawing RAGE,” Ben pointed out, “and RAGE is still JT’s hero.”

“Sure, but that’s different. The story in this issue was figured out before they broke up.”

“Or maybe, art is still imitating life,” Ben suggested.

“Maybe, but whether or not they get back together, I’ve got to figure out a way to get Brian acting like Brian again.”

“And how are you going to do that without Justin around?”

“I don’t know… I’m going to call an emergency meeting with the guys and Mel and Lindsay and see if they know how we can fix Brian.”

“Maybe he doesn’t need to be fixed,” Ben said.

Michael sighed. “He can’t just go on like he has been.”

Ben didn’t understand why Michael didn’t see what was so plainly obvious to him. “Michael, he loves Justin. Love makes you act crazy, or don’t you remember getting up on that stage singing to me to get me back?”

“I do,” Michael said, kissing Ben slowly. “Even if he is Justinfiably insane, he needs my help to snap him out of it.”

 

*****
 

“Teddy, you made it!” Emmett yelled, from the chair he’d pulled up at a booth.

Ted glanced at Blake and asked quietly, “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather pretend we don’t see them and go home?”

Blake playfully pushed Ted toward the booth where their friends were. “Michael said it was an emergency and everyone needs your help.”

“Saturdays are supposed to be my day off,” Ted mumbled. Blake had gotten a call from Michael asking them to meet at the diner for brunch while he was showering off the hot fudge Blake’s tongue had missed last night. “I don’t want to be balancing anyone’s stocks when instead I could be in bed with you.”

“I’m so glad you’re here,” Michael said, scooting closer to Ben so his friend could sit down.

“Good morning to you too, Michael.” Ted gave Michael a kiss and then looked over at Lindsay and Melanie who both had funny looks on their faces. “So what is the emergency?” he asked, sitting beside Melanie while Blake sat beside Michael. “Did you all invest in a stock that went belly up and now you need my advice on…”

“This isn’t about stock,” Michael said.

“Unless you count how little he’s been making use of his condom stock,” Emmett said.

Ted sighed and concluded, “This is about Brian.”

“Of course,” Melanie grumbled.

“Em, tell him what we’ve talked about,” Michael prompted.

“Brian has gone insane and each one of us has had proof of this right in our faces but we failed to address it. But now it must be addressed.” He took a deep breath and let it out. “I’m grateful,” he said, “but he actually let me use the loft last night so me and Drew could celebrate our three month anniversary. That was after he took us both out to lunch to celebrate it.”

“Brian celebrated your three month anniversary?” Ted asked. He wasn’t sure what he was more shocked with, Brian celebrating the date or Emmett and Drew being back together for so long. They seemed to be constantly on-again, off-again.

“He did,” Emmett confirmed.

“He had lunch with me and Gus at the café near the park three times this month,” Melanie said, exasperated.

“And he’s come over to tuck Gus into bed just about every night since they broke up,” Lindsay added.

“And there’s the dinners,” Michael said and looked at Ted. “I know he’s taken you and Blake out quite a few times and he’s had dinner with me and Ben every night except Monday, when he took Mel and Lindsay out. Now he wants us all to go to a movie together, did he call you about that?”

“Yes, he did,” Ted said. “But we’ve got tickets to the opera tonight.” Ted realized that Brian’s overly polite parting on the phone last night, after being turned down was startlingly odd. “He said he would ask you.”

“He did,” Emmett said. “But Michael called me before he could, so by the time he got to the loft, Drew and I were ready with an excuse. After talking, Michael and I decided that we shouldn’t encourage this odd behavior from him.”

“We’re still going to the movies with him tonight,” Michael said. “But afterward, I’m going to do what I can to get him to talk.”

“He misses his boyfriend,” Ben said gently. “He’s growing up and instead of burying himself in work, going out on all night booze binges and fucking any ass he sees, he’s choosing to spend time with his friends. I think that’s something to be encouraged.”

“Sure,” Melanie conceded, “if we weren’t talking about Brian Kinney. Fucker came over for breakfast this morning and cooked for us!”

“Brian cooked for you?” Ted asked in disbelief. “I didn’t even know he knew how to cook.”

“Of course he can cook, he always grills at Debbie’s,” Lindsay said.

“Fucker cooked the best omelet I’ve ever had,” Melanie told them, shuddering. “I enjoyed his company. I actually found myself liking him today! That just isn’t right.”

Everyone laughed and Ben admitted, “I suppose that is a bad sign.”

“He actually said he didn’t have any better plans tonight,” Michael said slowly. “He’s seriously fucked up if he doesn’t have a single thing he’d rather do than sit in a movie theater with Ben and I watching George Clooney. He doesn’t even think George Clooney is hot!”

Emmett gasped, “Then he really is nuts.”

“This is very out of character for him,” Ted admitted, which was the understatement of the century. “But what can we do to help?”

“Em and I talked a lot about this last night,” Michael said.

“A few weeks ago, when we were all at Babylon and teasing him about him not tricking, we left him at the bar with you and then…” Emmett paused dramatically. “I was in the backroom and who do I see, but Brian with a trick at his feet. But before the trick could even take Brian’s cock out to blow him, Brian pushed him away and left out the back door. He hasn’t been seen in the backroom or at the baths since. So we thought you might know why that was. You said something that bothered him, didn’t you?”

There was no way that Ted was going to tell them what had been said, it wasn’t anything he thought would make Brian turn to celibacy anyway. “We were talking about work,” he lied. “You saw how upset he was, I wasn’t going to make it worse by saying anything about Justin. Maybe he’s just realized what we all know to be true, that he isn’t going to find what he really wants in the backrooms or in the baths.”

Michael felt like an idiot as he processed what Ted had just said. There really was nothing wrong with Brian. Maybe, at least a little bit, he was acting like a normal person. Sure, he’d gone to extremes to curb his libido by spending his waking hours constantly occupied with activities that did not involve sex, but he and Ben were the only ones privy to why exactly that was and he couldn’t tell his friends the reason.

“If he’s saving himself for Justin, why doesn’t he just grow some balls and go after him?” Melanie asked.

“Because that wouldn’t be Brian,” Michael said in despair. “Besides, I don’t think he’s even consciously saving himself for Justin.”

“Probably not,” Emmett said in a sad tone. “I’ve heard of things like this happening before.” He leaned closer and whispered, “Brian is so in love with Justin that he can’t get a hard on for anyone else.”

The whole table erupted in laughter with the exception of Michael and Ben.

“If that is true, is it really something we should be laughing at?” Ben asked. “I think we’re all concerned about the wrong thing here. We should be talking about a way to get them back together.”

“How can we even attempt to do that when none of us knows what went wrong in the first place?” Ted asked.

Michael did know but he didn’t know a thing about the details. He knew it had to do with the house Justin bought but he didn’t feel right telling anyone else. He’d have to try to talk to Brian alone and see if he could get Brian to tell him the details. For weeks he’d tried to get Brian to tell him, but nothing he said worked. He’d have to figure out a way to get him to open up.

“As far as I know, they haven’t seen one another at all,” Lindsay said.

“So we have to get them together,” Emmett told them. “And I know the perfect way to do it.”

“Which is?”

“Justin’s party, of course,” Emmett said.

“You think he’s going to invite Brian?” Blake asked. He’d remained quiet for most of the conversation because he didn’t know Brian like the rest of them did, but he just couldn’t imagine Justin inviting his recently ex-boyfriend to his party.

“We’re supposed to get together tomorrow and finalize the plans and I’ll see what I can do about having him add Brian’s name to an invitation,” Emmett said.

“What about tonight?” Blake asked. “Are you and Ben really going to the movies with him?”

“I think maybe I’ll convince Brian to have a movie night at the loft, just him and me. Maybe if he gets high enough he’ll lose the ability to talk.”

“We weren’t even invited to the movie,” Melanie grumbled.

“Because Brian knows we have tickets to a play tonight,” Lindsay reminded her. “Justin’s agreed to have Gus spend the night again.”

“It’s nice he’s still hanging with Gus even if he and Brian aren’t together,” Ben said.

“It is,” Lindsay agreed, “but I know Gus wants to see them together again as much as we do.”

“So tonight,” Michael said, “I’ll go over to Brian’s and do whatever is necessary to get him out of his funk and at the very least be open to the idea of going to Justin’s party.”

“Good luck with that,” Ted said.

“Are you underestimating my superpowers?” Michael asked.

Ben tilted Michael’s face toward him and kissed him. “I have faith in you and all of your abilities, Zephyr.”

The bell above the diner’s door jingled and Brian walked in carrying a wiggling Gus in his arms.

“Mommy!” Gus exclaimed and Brian put him down. “Mama!” He ran toward the booth where his mothers and uncles sat. “Hi!

“Hi, sweetheart,” Lindsay greeted, kissing Gus. She looked up at Brian and asked, “What are you two doing here?”

The friends at the table all looked at one another, grateful that Brian hadn’t walked in a few minutes before and caught them talking about his relationship.

“The boy wanted lunch,” Brian told them.

“It’s a little early for lunch,” Melanie said.

Brian helped Gus off with his coat and commented, “You’ve all eaten.”

“It was brunch,” Michael said.

“I’m surprised you were even hungry after breakfast,” Brian commented.

“It was a sudden thing meeting up together,” Lindsay explained. “Michael called us just after you left with Gus and Mel and I only had a cup of coffee and shared a salad.”

Mel asked, “Linds, are you ready to go?”

“Sure,” Lindsay said and told Brian, “we’ll see you at the loft in an hour?”

“Why don’t you just wait till the kid eats his lunch and you can take him from here?” Brian suggested.

“Well, Justin is supposed to meet us here after he gets off work and we’ve got some errands to take care of. Justin is taking Gus to the children’s museum and babysitting for us tonight,” Lindsay said hesitantly. “He was going to have ice cream with Gus first, which is why he’s meeting us here.”

“So what’s the problem?” Brian asked her. The prospect of seeing Justin made his body heat rise but he tried to play it cool. He glanced at his friends at the table and noticed they were all staring at him with funny looks, no doubt expecting him to want to bolt at the mention of Justin.

“Well… I guess I just thought…”

Debbie cut into the conversation, “Brian, if you need to, you can have lunch with Gus and leave him here. I’ll keep an eye on him until Justin arrives.”

“Thanks, Deb,” Brian told her genuinely. “But I’m sure I can manage to pass Gus along to Justin when he gets here.”

“All right then,” Melanie said, and slid out of the booth. She gave Gus a big hug. “Be good for your Daddy and Justin, okay?”

“I will,” Gus assured.

“We’re leaving too,” Ted said, anxious to get back home. He and Blake hadn’t ordered a thing but that was all right, they still had leftovers in the fridge from Thanksgiving.

“Us too,” added Michael, “I’ve got to get to the store. Tell Justin we all said hi.”

“Sure,” Brian mumbled.

“Grandma!” Gus said. “I want a cheese sandwich, please?”

“Well, kid, I’ve got to get my apron on first and then I’ll come take your order,” she told him as everyone said their goodbyes.

Brian took Gus’ hand and led him to the back booth, Debbie trailing behind. “Deb will you get Gus some crayons?”

“Of course,” Debbie replied. She tied on her apron, grabbed her order pad, an activity sheet and a small box of crayons. She brought them over and handed them to the little boy. “There you go.”

“Thanks!” Gus said and immediately began to dig into the crayon box.

Eyeing Brian worriedly Debbie asked, “Are you doing all right? You look nervous.”

“I’m not nervous.” Brian rolled his eyes. “I’m annoyed.”

“With who?”

He waved his hand toward the door, indicating the friends who had just left. “Justin’s on his way here and now they think we’re going to have some ridiculous romantic reunion if left alone.”

Debbie smiled softly and ruffled Brian’s hair. “Shame you don’t think that’s going to happen.”

“I’m not delusional. I’ll have the blue plate special and water with lemon.”

Debbie knew that pressing Brian would do no good and let the subject of Justin drop. She wrote down the order and asked, “Cheese sandwich for Gus?”

“And fries?” Gus asked, batting his eyelashes.

“Sure,” Debbie said.

“Justin is gonna have ice cream with me,” Gus told her.

“After you eat lunch,” Brian reminded his son.

“Look, he’s here!” Gus said excitedly, pointing toward the door.

Brian turned and saw Justin standing completely still with a deer in the headlights expression. His cheeks were flushed pink from the cold and his hair was windblown, but he was still gorgeous. Lindsay obviously hadn’t had time to call and tell Justin the change in plans, but he couldn’t be too shocked walking into the diner and seeing Brian there, it was where they met. He offered a smile and that seemed to be the greeting Justin was looking for because he smiled back and then started walking toward them.

“Justin!” Gus happily proclaimed. “Daddy’s here too!” he explained, as if Justin was blind.

“I see that,” Justin said. He gave Debbie a kiss hello and slid into the booth beside Gus and gave him one too. “I’m supposed to meet Lindsay and Melanie here in a little while but thought I’d get lunch first.”

“You look tired,” Debbie said, concerned.

“I had to be at the gallery a few hours earlier than usual so that I could help with a delivery.”

“Do you like my picture?” Gus asked.

Justin looked at the sheet. “What are you drawing?”

“You and Daddy,” Gus said, and shoved the activity page toward Justin.

There in the blank space were two stick figures, one drawn with yellow hair and one taller one with brown hair. “It’s very good, Gus,” Justin praised, taking off his coat and gloves.

“Thanks. And I’m gonna draw me too,” he said, taking the sheet back.

“What’cha want for lunch, kiddo?” Debbie asked Justin.

“The blue plate special on Saturdays is still grilled chicken breast and mixed steamed vegetables?” Justin asked Debbie.

“Sure is, Sunshine,” Debbie told him. “And not to worry, I’ll make sure Sam knows he’s preparing your meal and is real careful with it.”

“Thanks, Deb, I appreciate it.”

Debbie ruffled Justin’s hair. “Gotta make sure ya’ stay healthy. I’ll go get the order in and come back with your drinks.”

Brian smiled in satisfaction when Justin met his eyes and a flush darker than the pink on his windblown cheeks proved how affected he still was, just from sitting across from him. “You just missed the gang,” Brian said. “I told Lindsay you could just take Gus from me when he’s done with his lunch. She said you’re taking him to the museum and then watching him for the night?”

“Yes,” Justin replied, “we’re going to have a sleepover at my house again.” He turned to Gus and asked him, “We’re going to have the sleepover tonight, aren’t we?”

“Yup!” Gus answered, too intent on coloring his picture to say much else.

“You’ve had Gus overnight before?” Brian asked.

“Yup, he’s spent a few Saturday nights with me. It works out well because I have the early shift on Saturday at the gallery. I pick Gus up in the afternoon and drop him off with Lindsay when I go in for my shift on Sunday. This is the last week we’ll be doing that though ‘cause Sydney has hired two more employees so Lindsay and I can have our weekends off. But I’ll still probably take him on Saturday nights if he wants to come over.”

“This is the first I’ve heard of it,” Brian said. He felt a little jealous because there were very few times he’d had his son spend the night at the loft. He realized though that it wasn’t because he didn’t want him there, it was because at the loft, Gus didn’t have any space of his own. He had no doubt in his mind that Justin had probably decorated a room just for his son.

Justin was surprised that Lindsay or Gus hadn’t told Brian about him spending time with his son. “Are you okay with that?”

“Of course,” Brian said. He tapped on the table beside Gus to get his attention. “You didn’t tell me you’ve been having sleepovers with Justin.”

Gus put his crayon down and told Brian, “Mommy said not to 'cause talking 'bout Justin makes you sad.”

“Well she was wrong,” Brian said, keeping his eyes on Gus. No way did he want to look at Justin and see the man’s reaction to Gus’ words. “So tell me, what’s so fun about staying with Justin?”

“The pool,” Gus said and gave Justin a big smile. “And his studio.”

“I have a big canvas that Gus has been helping me prepare,” Justin explained.

“Yup,” Gus affirmed, nodding. “And we camp out too.”

“Who’s going camping?” Debbie asked, appearing beside their booth with a tray of drinks.

“Me,” Gus said and clapped at the large glass of chocolate milk Debbie placed before him. “Thank you, Grandma.”

“You’re welcome, Gus,” Debbie said, placing Brian and Justin’s drinks in front of them. “Though, it’s a little cold to go camping,” she said worriedly.

“He’s spending the night at my house,” Justin explained. “I have a tent that I set up in the living room and we roast marshmallows in the fireplace and watch movies.”

“It’s so fun,” Gus said. “Daddy, you gonna come now that you are happy with Justin again?”

“I can’t tonight, buddy,” Brian said, hoping that would be the end of the conversation.

“Next week?” Gus persisted.

“How’s your chocolate milk taste?” Debbie asked, trying to help out the two men who looked extremely uncomfortable.

Gus’ thoughts diverged and he took a big drink of his milk. “Mmm… mmm good!”

“Deb, orders up!”

“I’m coming!” Debbie said and smiled at Brian and Justin. “I’ll be right back.”

Before Gus could ask any more questions about him and Justin, Brian pointed to Gus’ drawing and told him, “You better finish that before the food gets here.”

“Uh-huh,” Gus said, picking up his crayon again and drawing. “I have to draw my shoes.”

“And the laces,” Justin reminded him. “Now that you can tie your own shoes you can’t forget them.”

“Justin taught me to tie my shoes,” Gus told Brian. “He showed me the bunny loops.”

“He picked it up really fast,” Justin added, smiling proudly.

Brian suddenly found Justin’s allure overwhelming and he felt like if he had to stare at him another second he might say or do something completely stupid. “I’m gonna have Deb put my food in a to-go container.”

Justin sighed. “Brian… you don’t have to go.”

Brian glanced at his son and then back to Justin. “I do.”

Debbie walked over to their table, the tray loaded with their food. “Who’s hungry?”

“I am!” Gus said.

Brian asked, “Deb, can you…?”

“Keep an eye on Gus for a minute?” Justin interrupted. “I need to talk to Brian about something.”

“That isn’t necessary,” Brian said. He took out his wallet and placed two twenties on the table. “I’ve got to go.”

“No, Daddy,” Gus protested. “I wanna give you my picture.”

“Tell you what,” Brian said. “I’ll come by your house tomorrow and you can give it to me then, okay?”

Gus pouted. “Will you tuck me in tomorrow and read me a story too?”

“I will,” Brian promised, leaning over the table and kissing the top of Gus’ head. “You have a good time with Justin, okay?”

“Okay,” Gus sighed.

Brian slid out of the booth and told Debbie, “Just give my dinner to someone else, hell… just set it here, Justin will probably eat it anyway.”

Justin looked grief stricken. “Brian, please, if I did something to make you want to leave, please…”

“You didn’t,” Brian cut Justin off. “Bye, sonny boy,” he said, forcing a smile he didn’t feel.

“Bye, Daddy,” Gus said in a sad voice.

Brian ignored the disapproving look Debbie gave him as he walked past her. He just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t just sit there and watch Justin and his son together, all the while feeling like an outsider in his own life and he only had himself to blame. He just hoped that with a little more time things would get easier because he wasn’t the type of man to run away from anyone or anything. But Justin Taylor had broken all of his rules and this was just one more thing he’d caused Brian to change about himself. He’d officially became a wuss.

 

*****
 

Brian walked into Red Cape and glared in distaste when he saw the kid behind the counter. He needed to talk to Michael immediately. “Where’s your boss?”

“He’s in the back,” the kid said. “Do you want me to get him for you?”

“I’ll find him,” Brian growled, stalking through the store to the back office. He barged through the door, startling Michael who was sitting at his desk.

“Brian!” Michael exclaimed, surprised. He’d hoped that his friend would still be at the diner with Justin and Gus. “What are you doing here?”

“Did you know that my son has been staying with Justin on Saturday nights?”

“Huh?”

“Gus has been staying the night with Justin, in his house,” Brian said slowly, sitting on the edge of Michael’s desk. “Before today, did you know?”

“Mel mentioned something about it, yeah.” This was good, Brian had come to him to talk. “This bothers you?”

“No.”

Michael spun around in his desk chair, taking a moment to roll his eyes as he faced away from Brian. “So,” he said, standing up so he was eye to eye with his friend. “Why are you asking me about it?”

“Just making conversation,” Brian said, shrugging.

Michael laughed. “You could’ve had a conversation with me when I was still on my lunch break,” he said.

“You’re the one that was so quick to get out of the diner,” Brian replied. “I know what you all were doing.”

Michael dropped back into his chair and asked, “What was that?”

“Oh, let’s all hurry out and leave Justin and Brian alone so they can have some sort of magical reunion and get back together!” Brian said in a sarcastically cheery tone.

Michael grinned impishly. “Well, you’re here, so it didn’t work.”

“First, Gus was with us and if there were anything to hash out between us - which there isn’t, we weren’t going to do it in front of him.”

“Well, I kinda figured Ma would go ahead and keep him busy while you did,” Michael said, sighing. “Why won’t you tell me why you two broke up?”

“You mean he hasn’t told any of you how I’m emotionally unavailable and unwilling to grow up?”

“He said that?” Michael asked, shocked.

“He didn’t have to,” Brian said. “You know… no… fuck it, never mind.” He stood up from the desk and began to pace. “You had everything wrong, Mikey, the whole fucking time!”

Michael nodded. “Okay, so what exactly did I have wrong?”

“Justin never wanted me,” Brian said. “He thought he did, but he just didn’t think he had any other options and let’s face it, the kid was desperate.”

So this was why an alien-like Brian had taken up residence in his friend’s body, because all the years of perfecting an ‘I don’t give a shit’ image meant absolutely nothing when he was faced with feeling inadequate, something Michael was sure Brian hadn’t felt since childhood. It was almost too much for him to take in and he really didn’t know what to say to his friend.

Michael had thought that finally, Brian had realized that he could give Justin what he needed, at least in time, and that he didn’t have to change who he was because even before Justin had come along, he was already on his way to being the perfect partner for Justin. He didn’t know how things had gone so wrong. He thought back to the morning of Justin’s attack and recalled how determined Brian had been to make things work with him and Justin. He doubted he’d get the details of the conversation Brian had with Justin, but he was sure that Justin, likely unintentionally had said something that unleashed all the fears about their relationship and Brian had crumbled beneath them.

“Nothing to say?” Brian asked, annoyed with the world. “You know I’m right, don’t you?”

Michael shook his head. “I don’t know that,” he said. “Unless you tell me the details about what happened, I don’t think I can help.”

“I didn’t come here for your help,” Brian quipped. He looked at his watch and schooled a neutral expression. “I came here to tell you to back the fuck off, all of you. I don’t need anyone trying to play matchmaker with us. Justin and I are done.”

Michael could tell that a lot of effort had gone into Brian’s words but objected to them, “I doubt that.”

“Suit yourself,” Brian said. He leaned down and kissed Michael goodbye. “See you tonight?”

“No,” Michael said softly. “Brian, you’ve been using all of us to curb your libido and because…” He paused and gathered the courage to bluntly say what Brian needed to hear. “Because you miss Justin. You think that if you spend every waking moment occupied that maybe you won’t feel heartbroken, won’t realize that your best friend is no longer around, and as much as we all love you, we can’t let you do that anymore.”

“What in the fuck are you talking about?” Brian demanded.

“Brian, it’s Saturday and you want to go see a movie with an actor you don’t even like,” Michael spoke slowly, holding Brian’s angry gaze. “I’m glad you’re not going out on all night benders and damaging your liver, but… well, I think you need to stop ignoring the breakup and deal with it. If you don’t want to be with Justin, if you don’t think you are who he wants, then you’re going to have to accept it and move on.” He stood up and walked over to Brian who was staring at him with a shocked look. “Everyone is worried about you. Of course we all think it’s great that you’ve want to spend time with us, but yeah, we did talk about it and I’m sorry if that hurts your feelings, but like I said, we’re worried.”

Brian felt like he’d been betrayed and it made him feel angrier than he ever remembered feeling. “Just what the fuck do you want me to do, Michael?” he seethed the question. “You think I should just be sitting at home pining away for him with a fucking box of tissues and a carton of ice cream, wallowing in self pity? Will that make you and the rest of our fucked up family happy?”

“Of course not,” Michael said, “but at least then we’d know that you’re not as unaffected as you’ve been pretending you are. Jesus, Brian, you love him. You are in love with a man who you aren’t with. Doesn’t that hurt?”

“Of fucking course it does!” Brian yelled, hands balled up at his sides. “But I can’t fucking do anything about it so I…” Right there in the middle of yelling at Michael, Brian realized how hurt he actually was, how lonely he was and just how right Michael and the rest of his friends were for worrying about him. He’d been acting so out of character they probably thought he’d gone off the deep end. “What the fuck am I supposed to do?” he asked, anger now turning into sorrow. He felt overwhelmingly tired,;the act he’d been putting on, often without even realizing it, was abruptly taking its toll.

Michael wrapped his arms around Brian and hugged him tight. “You need to decide if what you believe is true or not. Do you really believe that Justin doesn’t want you? Don’t let your fears about not being enough for him cloud your answer.”

Brian pulled out of Michael’s arms and asked him, “What the fuck do I have to be afraid of?”

“Fucking up?” Michael asked. “Or… or maybe, you’re afraid to be happy.”

“I’m not some little piss-ant idiot who would rather be miserable than do what needs to be done to be happy,” Brian said.

“No, you’re not. But maybe you need to start thinking about making your own happiness again? Justin isn’t just going to go away. He’s our friend; he’s part of our family, Brian. If you two really believe you aren’t right for one another, which for the record I can’t imagine anyone more perfect for you or him, but if you believe that, maybe you should just try to go back to being friends?”

Brian scoffed. “You think it’ll be that easy.”

“No,” Michael said softly. “I know it’s going to be hard to do but will it be harder being his friend or will it be harder to continue as you have been?”

“Fuck,” Brian groaned. “You really should’ve been a fucking psychiatrist, Mikey.”

Michael shook his head. “I’m your friend, same as everyone else in our family and we all care about you and want the best for you and Justin. I just hope that you two will figure out what that is before you hurt one another even more than you have.”

“I’m gonna go,” Brian said and kissed Michael goodbye.

“Wait,” Michael grabbed Brian’s arm, “what are you going to do?”

Brian laughed softly. “I’m going to go think, unless you have some other advice?”

Michael was surprised that Brian was asking for his advice and there wasn’t a hint of sarcasm to his tone. Only this time, he was all out of advice. “No,” he said, “thinking is a good idea. Just do me a favor and let me know if you need to talk. Talking won’t make you a Stepford fag.”

Brian nodded and gave him a small smile. He felt like his brain was filled to the brim with thoughts that must’ve taken decades to compile. He needed some time alone. Michael had been so right. He’d been ignoring everything, keeping himself busy by doing the lamest things with his friends all in an effort to quiet the thoughts going through his head. Now, it was time to face them and to do something about them.

 

*****
 

“We’ve got to keep the party PG,” Justin insisted.

Emmett sighed. “Okay, okay, no hula strippers.”

“Moving on,” Justin said, grinning. “Let’s talk decorations.”

Emmett pulled out his party book and flipped to a folder filled with pictures of other beach or hula themed parties he’d done. “What do you think about this one?” he asked, pointing to a photo of a recent retirement party he’d planned.

“I like it,” Justin said. “But I don’t want birds or anything too cheesy. I want it to be simple, you know? Nothing too big.”

“Okay,” Emmett said. “Simple I can do. So, no birds, naked hula boys or… anything else you don’t like about this party?”

“The Hawaiian shirts,” Justin said adamantly. “Flowers are okay, but I don’t want everyone showing up in Hawaiian shirts.”

“As if Brian would ever wear a Hawaiian shirt.”

Justin frowned. “No, Brian wouldn’t ever wear one but that doesn’t matter because he’s not coming.”

“You’re not inviting him?” Emmett asked.

The invites Justin had personally designed with Emmett would be handed out tomorrow as a formality, but Justin had already told his guests of the date being this coming Saturday. He wasn’t sure if Brian knew of the party or not. After yesterday’s abandoned lunch, it was obvious that Brian wanted nothing to with him. “No, I’m not.”

“But you’re inviting all our friends,” Emmett said, distressed.

“Brian won’t care,” Justin said. “He doesn’t want to be around me, Em, believe me.”

“So yesterday when you got Gus from him, things didn’t go well?” Emmett asked.

Justin huffed. “Not by any means.”

Emmett grabbed the bottle of wine Justin had opened and refilled both of their glasses, hoping it would relax his friend enough so that he’d talk. “You two seemed so happy.”

Justin nodded, his whole body yearning for Brian as he thought of how happy they had been. “I know. But eventually we would’ve made one another miserable.”

“It’s just hard for me to imagine that, when I’ve never seen Brian as happy as he was when he was with you,” Emmett told him.

“We weren’t compatible,” Justin said. “What we wanted for our future wasn’t the same and so it’s better that we be apart.”

Emmett could hear the pain in Justin’s voice but didn’t know how to help either of his friends. “What exactly did Brian want?”

“Not me,” Justin told him. He took a long drink of his wine and wiped his lips. “You know Brian, he can’t be tied down. Honestly, Emmett, I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did.”

“He cheated on you?” Emmett asked in disbelief.

“No, of course not. Brian wouldn’t ever cheat, but living a monogamous life isn’t what he wants. I’m sure he’s much happier now that he’s free to fuck who he wants, when he wants.”

“No, Justin, I don’t think he’s happier. After you broke up, we were all at Babylon and… as you know, Drew and I aren’t monogamous so I went to the backroom and I saw Brian back there with a trick and believe me, he wasn’t happy at all. He…”

“Stop!” Justin exclaimed, tears brimming in his eyes. He looked at Emmett and pleaded, “Don’t talk about Brian anymore, okay? I don’t… I don’t want to know about his sex life, besides that wasn’t why we broke up. I know you all care about both of us, but we’re not getting back together. We’re over.”

“Justin, Brian doesn’t even have…”

“No,” Justin interrupted, putting his hands on Emmett’s forearms. “Look, I really don’t care anymore, okay? I need to move on and every single time someone wants to talk to me about my relationship with Brian, which really isn’t anyone’s business, it just makes it more difficult. So please, if we’re going to plan this party, let’s plan it, but no more talk about my relationship with Brian.”

Emmett couldn’t let it drop so easily, his gut was telling him to keep pushing. “Okay, no more talk about your relationship, but what about your friendship?”

“Our friendship?” Justin asked. “I don’t even think we have one.”

“Justin,” Emmett said softly, “you two can’t go on ignoring one another forever. If you think your ‘romantic’ relationship is over, fine. But we’re more than just friends, we’re all family and that means you guys are going to have to be around one another. You were really good friends before you started dating, right?”

“Yeah,” Justin admitted. He missed Brian’s naked body covering his own, he missed his kisses, his hot breath against his forehead, his fingers tangled in his hair, but the friendship he shared with Brian was almost harder to take not having in his day to day life than the other things combined. So many times he’d wanted to call Brian and talk to him and had to force himself not to dial his number or drive by the loft or Kinnetik for an unexpected visit on his way home from work, just to talk. Daphne and Sam were hot and heavy and though she’d been there for Justin, she wasn’t Brian. Trent had just started dating a guy named Clark and they were currently in the honeymoon phase where they spent very little time apart. Justin was lonely and the only person he knew that could make him not feel that way was the very same person who had broken his heart. His life was so totally fucked! “He became my best friend.”

“You’re going to have to be friends again,” Emmett said gently. “If you truly believe that you two aren’t going to be together, then you should get that friendship back.”

“Em, he ran out on me and Gus at lunch,” Justin confessed. “He doesn’t want to be around me.”

Emmett was sadly not surprised to hear this. “No doubt he couldn’t deal with how awkward that probably was.” He and his friends should’ve stayed, maybe then Justin and Brian would’ve been more at ease with one another. “The party would be a good starting point.” He took out one of the printed invitations and flipped it open to the blank page. “If you address this to Brian, maybe it can be like a peace offering? You don’t even have to be the one to deliver it to him if that’d make you feel more comfortable. I can do it, if you want.”

Justin wiped the tears out of his eyes and grabbed a pen. He flipped over one of the envelopes, took a deep breath and scrawled Brian’s name on the back.

Emmett gave Justin a one armed hug and assured him, “He’ll come.”

“What if he doesn’t? I don’t know if I want it confirmed twice in a week that he wants nothing to do with me,” Justin whispered.

“He’ll come,” Emmett said confidently. He would make damn sure of it.

 

*****
 

Brian looked up in annoyance as the door to his loft slid open without even so much as a knock. “What the fuck, Honeycutt?”

Emmett held up a key and smiled. “Michael let me borrow this. He said you haven’t returned any of his calls all day. I didn’t want you to tell me to fuck off if I rang the buzzer.”

“I haven’t answered his or anyone else’s calls because I don’t want to be bothered.” Brian went back to eating his bowl of crunch berries. “What the fuck do you want?”

Emmett walked over to the bar and noted that Brian was eating the very same cereal he saw Justin eating when he went to his house last night. He pulled out the invitation from the pocket inside his coat. “I came to deliver this.”

Brian looked at the invitation. “Michael and Ben change the date of the wedding?”

“Open it,” Emmett prompted, taking a seat on the barstool beside Brian.

Brian opened the envelope and tried his hardest to not let Emmett see how affected he was by the invitation. “Last minute invite?” he scoffed.

“No,” Emmett said, rolling his eyes. “We just made them up last night.”

“I see.”

“So, you’ll come, won’t you?”

Brian laughed as he read a handwritten request at the bottom of the invitation, “Please bring swim trunks and sunglasses but refrain from wearing Hawaiian shirts.”

Emmett smiled. “He wants the hula party to be classy.”

“Then why’d he hire you?” Brian joked.

Emmett glared. “So, you’re coming, right?”

Brian shrugged. “I’ll check my social calendar.”

“You and I both know that nothing you might have planned is more important than going to Justin’s house on Saturday.”

Brian laughed sarcastically, “We do, do we?”

Emmett sighed deeply. “Don’t make me a liar, please?”

“You told him I’d come?”

“I did,” Emmett said. “He doubts you will but I…”

“Maybe he has his reasons for doubting me?” Brian suggested.

“He misses you, Brian. He told me last night that you were his best friend. Teddy and I might not have had the same connection that you and Justin have but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what it’s like. Not only do you lose your lover, but also your best friend? It fucking sucks and the only way to make it not suck so much is to either do whatever you have to do to be his boyfriend again or…”

“Or?” Brian prompted, amused.

“Or do what you have to do to be his friend again.”

“You and Michael are idiots,” Brian said.

Emmett glared. “And why is that?”

“You say you know what it’s like, but if you truly think that Justin wants a friendship with me,” he paused and the words, ‘after the way I treated him’ went unsaid. “If you think we’re going to just move backwards you’re wrong.”

“But you can’t move forward until you resolve this, Brian. You don’t have a reason to hate him, to not want him around you, do you?”

“No,” Brian admitted. “But he does.”

Emmett stood and pointed to the invitation. “Maybe that is proof that you’re wrong.” He walked toward the door and told Brian, “Justin is man enough to take the first step, I just hope you’re man enough to take the next one.”

Brian looked at the invitation again and wondered how hard it had to have been for Justin to have taken that step, especially after the way he’d treated Justin at the diner yesterday. He’d done a lot of thinking, he had admitted that if he couldn’t be with Justin, that he did want to try to be friends with him but he didn’t know if he was ready for that. He had until Thursday to RSVP and hoped that by then he’d have the courage to accept Justin’s offer of friendship.
 

Return to Credence