A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Six: Maybe Baby, I Love You

 

Brian’s P.O.V.

February 7, 1997

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. ~ Elizabeth Stone

A month has passed since I've been here with Justin. Every day that I’ve been stuck here has been a little different from the one before. I wouldn’t have expected that. I was afraid that I’d get so bored and that life would become so monotonous that I’d go crazy from endless, indistinguishable days.

The first night, Justin slept on my chest, his rhythmic breath, moist and warm against my skin, luring me into a peaceful state of mind. I lay still; looking up to the canopy, the silver thread in the blue linen shimmered in the soft glow of the light beside the bed. It was almost like looking at distant stars, glowing in a night sky. I realized in that moment how at peace I felt, away from the world.

It was an odd realization and one in which I fought. I listed off things in my head, a hundred things about the outside world that I would miss and the people I already missed. Then, Justin stirred and he whispered my name as he gripped my body tighter for a few seconds before falling back into a peaceful sleep. I watched him for a few minutes and then looked back up at the fabric. I saw the canopy differently then.

It wasn’t like looking at a night sky. It was an interpretation of one, carefully designed by Justin’s imagination. I wondered how many nights he looked up at it and pretended he was home with his family. That brought on a completely new level of questions I had, of feelings that bubbled up from inside me.

I knew that I couldn’t change what Justin had been through before they took me. I knew that I couldn’t even begin to access how his kidnapping emotionally stunted and damaged him. However, I knew that I would have to try to put aside my own wants, demons and misgivings to provide Justin with the love and companionship he’d been deprived of. I knew that I would have to open myself up, forget about my pride, and become the man Justin needed me to be. I would also have to learn survival skills from him, and show him a few of my own.

Sure, we have everything here we might need. We’re not dying in the middle of the desert and we have the opportunity to create our own little, moderately safe, world. However, emotionally, it’s going to be a completely different plain of thinking and doing. I was glad I realized that, the first night, because I mentally prepared myself as much as I could for the downpour that was to come.

At first, our days seemed to be exciting from the moment we awoke until bed. I even felt excited to wake up every morning, something that I didn’t feel at home. We’d fuck, as soon as our eyes opened. Justin was so eager to learn new things about sex and he was such a quick study, he blew my mind.

The time in between sex, has been weird. Justin of course, wants to know everything about me. If we’re not fucking, he’s asking me questions about the outside world and me. It’s somewhat weird telling him about what he’s missed. He cries a lot, he’s confused a lot, and sometimes I just want to stop talking and answering his questions because of how much it hurts him. I usually redirect the conversation back on my life, my life before him and me.

It’s so hard seeing him so upset that I actually want to talk about me. This is something I loathe to do, but understand is necessary not only to divert his attention from his pain, but to allow him an inside look at myself no one else has ever gotten. I have to do it, because he will soon be carrying my child. No matter what happens, if one day Justin decides that his feelings for me manifested only from the fear of loneliness, our child will still connect us. He should know the man that is his child’s father. Just as I want to know him.

You wouldn’t believe it, but Justin is a lot harder to get to know than myself. Seriously, he is. You know why? Because he’s so damn transparent with everything he says and does, and since I’ve been here, it’s all been about me. What I want. What I feel. What I need. Everything he says, when I ask him a question, is turned around into what he thinks I want to hear. He wants to keep me happy, he wants to make me love him; make sure that I love him, even though I already do.

Sure, it may not yet be the love that he imagines, the kind of love that I never wanted but now can admit it may turn into. But, I do love him.

I love him enough to not allow him to read the books I’ve written. He wants to, he’s begged to read them, but I want to spare him of the cruel words I’ve written in them. I know he’d forgive me for the callous attitude I have toward sex in those books, but I don’t want to shatter what is left of his innocence. Maybe I’m selfish, but I love the innocence he’s managed to retain.

I have learned a little about Justin’s life before the kidnapping. He told me about attending a private school for gifted students. He could still recite the schools theme song and gave me a sample of his beautiful singing voice. I've asked him to sing for me again, but he refuses, stating that it’s been far too long since he had regular vocal training and that he doesn’t want to subject me to his bad voice.

He doesn’t have a bad voice. Believe me. It’s probably the best I ever heard and I wish I could hear it more often.

The memories Justin has, have become foggy to him. He admitted that he doesn't remember exact faces, places or his exact address. He has stacks of notebooks he’s kept nearly daily diaries in since he was taken that he informed me has the address in it. I haven’t asked, but I hope that one day soon he’ll trust me to read them. I want to know him and I don’t think I can the way I should, if he’s so worried about pleasing me.

Justin had a routine before I came. He would wake up, feed Duchess, have breakfast, read books or do ‘homework’, watch a Disney movie while playing with his cat, eat lunch while watching another, paint or sketch, clean, play with Duchess again, have dinner, take a bath and then watch a movie or read before bed.

Of course, that seemed monotonous to me, so after the first week, he became as spontaneous with his days as I was. Besides the spontaneous sex, Justin will stop what he’s doing and suddenly want to sketch me. He tells me each time how exited he is to have a real subject and draws me, and sometimes me with Duchess, quite often.

I learned that Justin schooled himself for years by requesting textbooks and taking distant learning course books. He was very diligent in maintaining his higher intelligence for as long as he was stuck here. He informed me that as of right now, he could have graduated a university three times over with the credits and courses he’s taken.

But I’m the one teaching him about what the kidnappers never let him learn. Sex. Which you’d think would’ve been in nearly every subject but math, but I guess they allowed him to have books from some ultra conservative schools that had nothing about that in them. Though I’m sure, they took that out themselves if they did.

Justin and I spend time acquainting ourselves with one another's likes and dislikes. I had never had to care about another person's feelings or needs so to say it was a learning experience would be an understatement. And, as smart as Justin was, he wasn't quite sure of many of the slang words I used and would take allot of things too literally.

Having fun is much different with Justin from how I’d have fun with my friends. We have a blast reading mystery books to each other and watching Disney Movies, even though he's seen them all. I however have yet to be schooled on all of them. We also play tons of board games. Justin used to play against his dolls or Duchess, but now that he has me, he is overjoyed to have a real person to play them with. Our weekly lists always has some new game that Justin wants to try out he finds in the Toys R' US catalogue.

Most of the time, Justin and I are happy and having fun. We have to be, because I don’t think I can take sitting around thinking about our situation, at least not yet.

It’s mid-afternoon and Justin is beside me on the couch, kissing me, groping my crotch through my sweats. He’s been so horny all morning and I’m about to bring him into the bedroom to teach him a new position, when a knock on our door signals the arrival of our supplies.

“I’ll get it,” I tell him, moving him from my lap to the couch. I walk slowly, waiting to hear the other door close and lock.

Justin giggles, “Hurry back,” as he strokes himself inside his pants.

I open the door that leads to the little area where they delivered our things. The door on the other side is large and steel, imitating a prison door. It is quite menacing and always makes my skin crawl to look at it. As soon as I get the plastic tub inside, I close the door to our apartment, sealing us inside like the prisoners we are once again.

This week Justin only asked for a new deck of cards, not a new board game. The kid kicks my ass in most any card game and the last time we played poker, let’s just says I was a sore loser and slammed my cup of juice down on the table making some spill all over the cards. Justin thought it was hilarious.

“Did they get the new deck of cards?” he asked excitedly, his desire for sex, dampened for just a moment.

“Let’s see,” I reply, setting the box on the bar.

He jumps off the couch, skips over and sits upon one of the bar stools and watches as I opened the box and started to take out its contents.

“Here they are,” I say as I find them I smile as I handed the decks to him. “Now you can kick my ass again.”

“Great!” he giggles. “I can’t wait, and I wanna teach you another game I know, Brian.”

“Okay, later. Let’s put the rest of this away and then I will teach you something that doesn’t require anything but us,” I say suggestively.

It takes him a minute to get my joke and his face blushes. “I look forward to it,” he responds and clears his throat.

We get started on putting the items away. I find the ready-made cookie dough that I'd told Justin about last week when I saw him making chocolate chip cookies from scratch. “Look, this is the cookie dough,” I tell him, handing him the roll.

He looks at the package and smiles at me after reading the directions. “I can't believe I just put them in the oven and it makes a cookie! It’s really that easy?”

“Yup! That's what is says. I’m not a good cook, but even I can make those.” The cookies had been my guilty pleasure at home. Even though I love Justin's cooking, there was nothing like nestle' Tollhouse cookies, made with their precise recipe.

“I’m going to make them tonight,” he tells me. “That is, if you want me to, Brian.”

“Of course,” I tell him. “If you feel like making them. But, if you want, I can make them for you.”

“You want to cook them?” he asks.

I sigh in frustration. “Do you want to cook them, Justin?”

“Sure,” he says, shrugging his shoulders and putting the boxes of cereal in the cabinet.

“Yes, or no?” I ask, trying to keep my aggravation out of my voice. “Do you want to make them?”

“I want you to make them, for me,” he whispers, turning toward me.

I walk toward him and kiss his blushing forehead. “Good,” I say, kissing his lips. “Now come see what I put on the list.” I drag him over to the bar with me and take out two leather bound journals. One is stained red, the other one black.

He looks hesitantly at the red one and looks up at me. “Is one for me?”

“Yes, whatever one you like the best.”

He sighs and runs his fingers over each of the textured covers. “What color do you want?”

I roll my eyes and do my best to speak in a calm voice, “I don’t care. You pick what you want. Don’t think about what one I want because I really don’t care, Justin. I care about you having the one that you want.”

“I like the red one,” he answers, after a moment. He looks up at me, his expression begging for my approval.

“Good, I want you to have what you like best.”

“Thanks Brian,” he says kindly and then looks back in the box.

He sets aside the books on pregnancy, delivery, and parenting. We weren’t sure they would get them for us, or not but I’m relieved they have. Now, we can begin to learn about a subject that is foreign to us both.

There are a few more items, toilet paper, shampoo, dish soap and body wash. I set them all on the counter and next I find a box I at first don’t recognize placed at the bottom.

“What is that?” Justin asks as I pull it out.

On top is a folded note taped to it. I read it aloud, “You will receive one of these each month until it is positive.” HOLY SHIT! It’s time to check already.

“It’s a pregnancy test?” Justin asks, taking the box from me and examining it. “Don't you think it's too soon?”

“I don’t know exactly how they work. It might be, but I think those things can tell as soon as you are pregnant,” I reply. “It detects a hormone or something that is only present if you are pregnant.”

“There are three of them in here,” he tells me, then opens dumps the contents onto the bar. “Do we take them all?”

He looks up at me and his expression is so childlike it is hard for me to believe that I may have made a child with him. “I think so,” I respond to him in a whisper. “Just in case one isn't right. Best two out of three or something,” I reason.

“What do I have to do?” Justin asks me a little worried.

I grab the directions, read them and tell him, “Well, you have to put the sticks in your stream of urine. Do you think you can go to the bathroom right now?”

“Sure!” he says and takes off toward the bathroom with a light skip to his step.

I find myself laughing aloud as I follow behind him, three pregnancy tests in hand. When I get to the bathroom, he’s standing at the toilet with his pants pulled down just past his bubble butt. He idly strokes his cock with one hand and rubs his stomach with the other.

His eyes light up when he turns to look at me and his smile is infectious, his excitement gets under my skin too. I force myself not to think the worst of the outcome of us having a child here, in this place. I won’t think like that. I have to be positive, be happy, because as scared as I am, Justin has to be a lot more frightened. He’s the one that knows nothing about pregnancy or childbirth and what it will actually do to his body.

“Wouldn't it be so neat if there was a baby inside me Brian?” Justin asked while patting his stomach.

So neat? Fuck, he doesn’t sound scared at all. “Yeah,” I answer, not wanting to alarm him. I set the tests down on the back of the toilet. “It will be neat, Justin. But I don't want you to get your hopes up. It may be awhile before I get you pregnant.”

“But I thought that when you have unprotected sex that's what happened. Isn't that what you told me, Brian?” Justin asks in a confused tone.

“Yes Justin, but, it may not be your body’s time. It takes some couples months to get pregnant.” I watched his face fall. I don’t want to be mean, but I also didn't want him getting his hopes up, for them only to be dashed. If it were up to me, it’d be a few years before I knocked him up.

“Oh,” his shoulders slump as he sighs out the word.

“Besides, last week you were sure you had your hormone over charge, right?” Rationally I don't think Justin could be pregnant. I was almost positive that he hadn't missed the hormonal over charge for this month. But then, Justin wasn't really sure about anything that went on with his body before I came here last month. So who knew what symptoms he experiences when he gets the HOC. Those were the normal signs but everyone reacted to the HOC in different ways.

“No, well I might not have. You never know,” Justin replies, taking me out of my thoughts. He grabs one of the sticks and holds it under his penis. “Will you take this after I pee on it and hand me the others, Brian?”

I cringe at the thought, but reply, “Sure. Just make sure your pee gets on the little window on the end of the stick, okay? That's what the directions said. And make sure you save enough for all three.”

Justin sighed. “Okaaaay Brian.”

I watched as a stream started to flow from his slit and he put the first stick under and then handed it to me. It was wet with piss and I tried not to freak as I set it on the counter and handed him another. When he handed the last one to me, I stared at Justin as he finished peeing, his head thrown back as if he was in heaven.

“Ahhh,” he sighed. “That was work trying to go slow.”

I laughed and set the stick down and looked at the clock on the wall. “We have to wait at least five minutes,” I remind him. I turn on the water in the sink and we both wash our hands. I looked at Justin and see his eyes are on the tiny screens that would either read pregnant or not pregnant.

“Come here, Justin,” I say, grabbing him into my arms. “You staring at them won't make it read what you want it to say.”

“Brian?” his arms squeeze around me tightly.

He looks up at me and his expression threatens to steal my breath from me. “Yeah, Sunshine?”

“Even though you are stuck here,” he gulps in a deep breath, “with me. Are, are you happy at all?”

I am momentarily stunned by his words and I think that scares him because I feel him pulling away from me. I tightened my grip on his waist. “Justin.” I lean my forehead against his and stare into his teary eyes. “Call me crazy, but I'm happy that I'm here with you. Of course I wish I were somewhere else, but I would still wish that that somewhere else was with you.” I lean in and kiss his lips gently. Just the feel of his lips on mine do things to me that no man ever has.

We remain, the only movement, our soft, luxurious kisses. He puts his head on my shoulder and I nuzzle his blond head, smelling his distinct scent. He relaxes completely against me, our bodies give a gentle sway every now and then, and I know that it’s the most content I ever remember feeling in my life.

By the time I looked at the clock again, it’s been nearly seven minutes. So I know, no matter what, there had been enough time for a result to appear. “We can look now,” I whisper in his ear.

He raises his head, takes my hand and we both walked closer to the counter. I find myself begging for the tests to be positive, and not just so that Justin isn’t disappointed.

“They're...they’re all negative!” Justin says loudly in despair, his hand gripping mine.

I look at tests and se that he is reading them correctly. Each test is negative. I feel tears well up in my eyes and grab Justin’s sobbing body into my arms, just as he starts to cry.

He keeps mumbling apologies and promising me that he'll try harder and that the next time he'd be pregnant

“It isn’t your fault,” I tell him. “It isn’t. I promise you, Justin,” I try to console him and assure him that it isn’t his fault. But I don't think he’s listening.

 

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter 6: Without

 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated. - Lamartine

Monday December 25, 1995

Justin ‘helped’ Duchess open her stocking and pulled out the candy cane filled with catnip. The jingle bell collar around her neck started jangling as she jumped up, trying to get her present from her boy.

“You can’t have it yet,” Justin told the kitten. “First, we need to open the rest of your stuff.”

Duchess’ attention was only focused on the toy in Justin’s hand. She didn’t care about the other toys he pulled out of the funny sock thing. She also didn’t understand why he’d put fun things that were for her inside it. Last time she took one of socks he’d been angry with her and wouldn’t let her have a treat for a long time.

“Come on,” Justin spoke in a high-pitched voice, “look at the green and red ball of yarn I got you. Don’t you want to play with it?”

Duchess had tired of the game Justin played, holding the wonderful smelling toy just out of her reach. She jumped up on his shoulder and jumped again, knocking it from his hand. She took a second to glare at him before taking her prize and running off toward the bedroom with it.

Justin laughed at his cat’s antics. “Well,” he said, “I guess we’ll just finish opening your stocking later.” He stood up from the floor and looked at his stocking that hung from the bar’s countertop. For a moment, Justin debated whether he wanted to get the camcorder out and film him opening it, pretending to be happy and surprised with the presents he put inside it, but he just couldn’t bring himself to care enough to open it at all.

Justin walked toward his bedroom, his shoulders slumped and tears fell from his eyes. He brushed them away, wishing that he were strong enough not to cry in front of the people watching him. Then, he was sure that the people watching him probably spent their Christmas with people they loved. He was probably all alone, not even Duchess wanted to spend Christmas with him.

Once in his bedroom, he looked over at the notebook sitting on his desk, then at the stacks of them that sat on his bookshelf. He remembered how horrible he felt the first Christmas, realizing that Santa Clause didn’t exist. It was too much for him to think about and he began to sob, collapsing onto his bed in tears.

Justin closed his eyes and memories of Christmases with his mother and father played through his mind like a blurry movie. He couldn’t remember the details anymore, he couldn’t remember what color dress his mother wore to their last Christmas brunch at the country club, or what was on the tie he’d given his father as his gift that year. That only made him cry harder in desperation.

Duchess heard her boy’s cries and tore herself away from the toy. She tromped into the bedroom and jumped on the bed, her color jingling as she made her way to Justin and curled up under his chin, meowing and moving her head back and forth.

Justin opened his eyes and held his kitten close to him. “Duchess, I’m tired of spending Christmas alone. I don’t want to be alone here anymore,” he sobbed. “I want someone to talk to who talks back. I want my Mommy and Daddy to save me.”

Duchess meowed softly to her boy and didn’t flinch away from the water that fell onto her fur from his tears. She kept up her stream of soft meows until her boy fell asleep.

 

XXXXX

A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Seven: Cradle Rocking versus Cradle Robbing

 

"The joys of parents are secret, and so are their griefs and fears." - Francis Bacon, Sr.

Monday, April 7, 1997
Brian’s Point of View

I ordered a black suede chair for the living room after much persistence from Justin to get me to stop bitching about the décor of the living room. He had only a small sofa, couch, and a gray lazy-boy recliner that he picked out because his father has the same one. I understand that Justin and I have to have the essentials to live and a few other items to keep our attention so we don’t go crazy, but I wasn’t fond of redecorating the apartment.

I know that Justin had to make the place livable and much of the items he’s chosen are things he remembers seeing in his own home that he picked out of the Sears catalog. They still give him comfort that I can’t provide, a connection to his mother and father. It’s just that I look at making this place feel like home means that I’ve given up and resigned myself to what I think Justin did, or had to do to survive. I won’t do that, I won’t say that this is home and I won’t think that we’re never going home.

Nevertheless, Justin wanted me to be comfortable and feel like it wasn’t only his ‘place’. Therefore, with his continued encouragement, I bought the most expensive chair I could. To the order, I added clothing from the best catalogs I get, enough to fill up the room in Justin’s closet and the spare drawer in his dresser. We had a great time laughing about how much money we were making the assholes spend and wondered weather or not we’d get the order. A few days ago we did.

Now I’m busy writing in the new journal I got that came the same day. Justin started writing his own in French, yeah, he’s a fucking genius. I’ve decided to do the same thing, hoping that these fuckers have to work at translating what we’re writing if they ever try to read them. I’ve been writing daily, sometimes more than once almost since I first got here, but the past couple of days I’ve been using my journal as an escape from Justin since it’s the only he’ll leave me alone.

Justin is sitting across me, curled up in the lazy-boy. Duchess sits, sleeping in his lap, one of his hands rests on his stomach and the other holds, a book on pregnancy. His attention is between what he reading and the television that plays one of the many is learning movies we’ve been ‘allowed’ to acquire on pregnancy and childbirth. I trimmed his hair a few days ago and now the long blond locks frame his face perfectly. A few golden strands hang down in his beautiful blue eyes, he keeps blowing at them with his pouty pink lips and I feel my sore dick start to respond to him.

I take a deep breath and try to calm my arousal down, unable to take my eyes off my beautiful lover. He looks up at me and I quickly look away so he doesn't see the building lust in my eyes and get the wrong idea. I put my pen to the page and pretend that I'm still writing in my journal.

This is the only place I can talk about my worries and fears that involve him and his behavior. I can't say anything directly to him because I can't risk hurting him. Justin wouldn’t understand how I feel because he’s unable to comprehend the rationale. His mental state is erratic. I glance back up and see he's gone back to his reading. Thank God. I have to be strong for both of us.

Last month they didn't give us pregnancy tests. I think they realized that when we learned Justin wasn't pregnant two months ago, it caused him so much grief and stress that it is probably making him not get pregnant. Instead of the tests, they delivered a book about fertility explaining this fact. I had suspected this, and tried to tell Justin this, but the book seemed to calm him down a little, very little, but it also gave other ideas about things we could do outside of sex that would help.

I love having sex with Justin, there’s no one I’ve never enjoyed it more with anyone. But he doesn't ask me, or care if I want to as of late. He just starts stripping his clothes off, if he's wearing any, and won’t stop begging me until my dick is out of my pants and I’m fucking him. It was hot, at first, but when we didn’t get the tests last month, he’s been really crazy about wanting it. He no longer cares about the cameras anymore, and that has me freaking out.

Sure, I don’t mind fucking guys in clubs or in the baths with an audience, but Justin, he used to be so shy about his body. He is, after all only a teenager and you’re damn fucking right I wouldn’t be fucking him alone or in front of anyone if we weren’t in this situation. Even though I love him, because how can I not love him, I fall for him more every moment I’m with him. Considering this in the real world, I would not cross the line I know I’ve crossed, a line that I will probably burn in Hell for crossing.

I don’t think I’ve made Justin the way he is now. I know that these people and the fear he has that they will take me from him and put another man here with him, that is who is to blame. Nevertheless, I hate how he is acting and I hate that I can do next to nothing to stop it because I fear that he will think I am rejecting him and that couldn’t be further from the truth.

During the night, I have woken up to him riding my cock while he's still is half-asleep. The last two nights this happened, he never got hard, no matter how often I hit his prostate or played with his body. He remained as soft as he was when I'd woken to his ass sliding down on my dick.

The first time I realized he didn't come, I tried to tell him that we didn't have to do it if it wasn't pleasurable for him, which has always been my worst fear. But he told me that it turned him on, just feeling my come inside him and that he wanted to take every opportunity we could to create a baby. I didn't know what to say to him. He seemed so happy and content with what he was telling me that I didn't want to disagree with his logic.

I feel like I'm fucking dying for attention from him that isn’t sexual. That’s fucked up, especially for me. But it’s true. I want the affection, the intellect that we shared before the race for pregnancy. I suppose he spoiled me with it at first and now I have been craving it, needing the him that isn’t his sex.

I'm beginning to wonder if Justin ever truly enjoyed the sex that we had. Maybe this whole time it was about him learning how to make a baby and that’s what he enjoyed. I don't want to think that our first months of lovemaking was only about that, but the way things are going, I am not sure what else to think.

He doesn't breathe my name into my ear when he comes anymore. He doesn't want to take it slow and gentle. He only tells me to stay inside him because it traps the sperm tighter inside him, not because he wants to feel me there, connected to him. Justin is so interested in the finish that I'm starting to wish, half way through it that we never started.

I realize that so much of Justin’s behavior is because he's fucking scared of being pregnant and rightfully so, terrified about the labor and delivery. Which, we have learned two weeks ago that will be happening here, alone, just he and I. God, I can’t even think about that right now.

All of this has done a fucking number on my mental state! I am falling in love with someone for the first time in my life and I don't think Justin really loves me. I think he loves what I represent, safety, and what he thinks I can give him, security. I’m so confused because really I can’t give him any of that. I have no fucking control.

They are supposed to deliver the second test to us in a few hours and I don't know if I am hoping that he is pregnant for the right or wrong reasons. What is worse is that some where inside of me I'm hoping he isn't!

I look over at him and see he’s now writing in his own journal. He’s writing things he can't or won't share with me, I can tell by his intense expression. Who am I to talk though, I can’t tell him what I’m thinking either. Yet, I’m still fucking jealous of that pen and paper. I've never felt so lost before, this isolation we’ve come to with one another is killing me.

I've never felt so alone and it isn’t only because I am living in near-solitude, away from the real world. It's because Justin Taylor, the man I love, wants little else than sex from me. I’m sure all the tricks I have been with and all my friends would be laughing in my face right now. This must be what I deserve, some sick form of payback.

I wouldn't have minded the cold, emotionless sex before. Shit, just a few months ago I would have laughed at the thought of me ever falling in love. But stranger things have happened as of late. This whole thing is heart wrenchingly terrible, I want to scream! Is this all some big fucking cosmic joke?

I am falling hopelessly in love and want so much more than just sex. It seems though, that I will only be given what I gave out my whole life to every one else, nothing, unless I can figure out a way to get Justin to open up to me.
 

***

Justin P.O.V.

I know that Brian is worried about me. I can tell from the way that he looks at me from across the room when he doesn’t think I notice him staring. He sits stiff and uncomfortable, as if he's anticipating something to happen. Maybe he wants more sex? I'm sore but I'll give it to him if that's what he wants to relax him.

I look over at him and this time, our eyes meet but he glances away from me. Whew, thank god, I really need a rest. It's hard work trying to make a baby. I've been reading all these books about it. Who knew that there were all kinds you could eat just to be more fertile?
I’m learning so much from all the books and movies because I want to be prepared for when I am pregnant. Every move I make, every thing I do can affect my baby and I could have a baby inside me right now, and it is possible it doesn’t show up on the test. I want to be a good Daddy and make Brian proud of me.

He is so attentive and I really want to make him happy so he won’t be sad like I was when they first brought me here. Brian told me that sex was a big part of his life before he came here and I don't want him to be unhappy and wish he could have sex with other people. I don’t want him to be the way he is with me, with anyone else.

I try to give him as much sex as I can. Even when I am hurting down there, I still tell him to fuck me. I tell him I want it. I do. I want Brian to be happy and he said that most of the things he did before for fun, involved sex, with men. I want to be a man for him. I don’t want him to see me like a little boy. I don't ever want Brian to be unhappy here. So I started to use that stuff Brian got me, it makes me sort of numb and I’m not supposed to use it all the time, but it helps the pain. And I was starting to be in a lot of it before he got me that stuff last week. He doesn't know that I've used almost half the tube since then.

I read in one of the books that the more often you have sex, the more of a chance you have of getting pregnant which makes perfect sense. So I have to do it as much as possible. I read that book they gave me about stress and fertility too, but really, I don't think there is any sure fire way to get me to stop worrying about getting pregnant.

I really, really want to get pregnant so that they will keep Brian here with me. I'm so scared that if I don't get pregnant soon they'll take him away from me and find someone else to put in here, some one else that they will have to force me to have sex with, because I could never do it willingly with anyone but Brian, never.

After the first tests said I was not pregnant, Brian was sad and so was I. He said that it wasn't my fault but I'm pretty sure he's angry with me. I know I cried a lot but I didn't mean to upset him if I did. I am just sad that I can’t give him a baby yet because I know he wants me to be pregnant too.

The first night we took a pregnancy test, Brian and I had sex really slow and it lasted a long time before either of us came. He said that it was the definition of ‘making love’. All I know is that it felt like it was only he and I on the entire earth and every fear I’d ever had slipped away. But right before we fell asleep he asked me not to wake him in the middle of the night to have sex like we’d done before. He told me it was because he was really tired and needed sleep. I think the truth is that he was still mad at me.

When Brian noticed that I wasn't getting hard during sex it really bothered him. I tried to explain to him that it didn't matter, but I think he is getting bored with me, no matter what I do in bed. I'm so scared he’ll want to leave and what if they let him if I don’t get pregnant soon. I don't think I could survive without him now that I know what it's like to have him here with me.

I try to not make him do stuff with me other than sex because I think the only reason he paid attention to me because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. He told me all about the things he used to do for fun, beside sex and none of it is anything we did or can do. I think he knew that I hadn't had any human contact in a long time and was probably just being nice to me so I wouldn’t feel bad. I don't want him to act interested in me out of pity if it makes him unhappy.

If I get pregnant, I’d make everyone happy, I’d be happy, even if I’m scared. I weighed myself on the scale this morning and it said I gained 7 pounds since the time I weighed myself last month. I know that I eat a lot more now that I cook bigger meals because Brian is here, but I really think that my tummy has gotten a little bigger. It feels harder under my belly button too and when I sit down the position I am now, I think I can see a little bump.

Oh my! I can hear the door outside open and close. They’re delivering something and I hope that it’s the tests.
 

***

3rd Person P.O.V.

Brian and Justin both jumped up from their seats and raced toward the front door, Justin, unceremoniously dumping his cat from his lap. Duchess’ eyes narrowed at her humans, especially her boy who hasn’t been as attentive as he usually is since the man showed up.

Justin stood back, anxiously smiling as Brian bent down and gathered the large tupperware box from the ground. Brian tried to avoid looking at the prison-like door, closed his eyes until he turned out of the entryway, and placed the box on the bar top.

“Come on, come on,” Justin encouraged, walking toward the kitchen.

Duchess jumped from the couch, onto the barstool and then onto the counter. She could smell her kitty treats and slid her body against the plastic box while meowing.

“Just a minute, Duchess,” Brian chastised the kitten. “I really wish you wouldn’t let her get up where we eat,” he told Justin, picking up the cat and placing her back down on the floor. “It’s disgusting.”

Justin rolled his eyes at Brian. There wasn’t anything he could do to stop Duchess, she always had a mind of her own. “Maybe there is a test in here this time!”

“Maybe,” Brian said softly, hoping that if there were, the test would come up positive. He opened the lid of the container and there, on top of all the groceries sat the pregnancy test. He sucked in a relieved breath at the same time that Justin laughed in excitement.

“Yes!” Justin shouted, taking the test box out, he held it up as if it was a prize, but then frowned. “Oh, no, what if I can’t pee?”

“You’ll pee, Justin,” Brian told him. “Come on, let’s take it now.”

“I’m so excited!” Justin giggled, running after Brian and into the bathroom.

“I…I... Justin, I don’t want you to get your hopes up again.” Brian spoke to Justin, taking the box from him and tearing it open.

Justin could see the disappointment and pain in Brian’s hazel eyes. “I’ll try,” he whispered. “I just want it so bad.”

Brian cups his lovers face and kissed his lips softly. “I know you want it, Justin. I want it too, but I want you to be happy and if it isn’t positive, I promise you that one day it will be.” It was something Brian couldn’t predict for sure, but he hoped his words could calm Justin down a little. “I…I love you,” he spoke huskily.

Justin smiled at Brian’s words and kissed him passionately. “I love you too, Brian.”

Overcome with fear and emotion Brian gently pushed Justin away from him and directed, “Go by the toilet, I’ll hand them to you like we did last time.”

Justin dropped his sweats and took his cock into his hand. “I do have to go Brian,” he informed the man.

“Good, just a second.” Brian took the plastic off the test and handed it to Justin.

Justin pissed onto the window of the stick, handed it off to Brian when he was finished and pulled back up his pants. They both washed their hands and then joined them, watching the window and waiting for something to appear.

To Brian it felt too déjà vu as he held onto Justin’s hand and rubbed circles on his palm. However, he didn’t want their fears of the future to stop his hope, his happiness of what the reality might be. Brian only wanted to think of the many joyous things that could come from Justin being pregnant. Those thoughts were overwhelming in themselves, there was no need to add fear of the kidnappers into his thoughts in these moments of waiting. Surges of love coursed through Brian’s body causing him to pull his lover closer to him as he glanced at the second hand of the clock on the wall. Two more minutes and they should have a glimpse into their radical future.

For Justin the whole scene suddenly pained him. He felt the regret, disappointment, and the all-encompassing let down he felt the other times he and Brian stood, staring at the pregnancy tests.

He wanted to be a father, to have a family. He wanted to make Brian happy. It gave him the will to hope that one day they would escape. One day, they would live in a big house, in a huge yard, far away from anyone watching their every move. They would get married, raise their baby in a happy home, and spend the rest of their lives together. Most of all, he wanted Brian to stay with him. Justin was terrified that this could be their last chance, Brian would be taken, and the thoughts of what they might do to him scared him to death.

He moved closer to Brian and breathed in the strong heady scent of the man he loved, wrapping his arms around him. His body tingled with the aroma of Brian’s shampoo and cologne. Everything else once again started to slip away. Brian had that power over him and Justin craved it.

“It….it’s time,” Brian spoke, his voice tickling Justin’s ear. He turned his head and looked at the stick.

Justin felt a mixture of emotions so opposite from the ones that had run rampant that his body started to shake and he felt as though he might pass out. “Oh my God, Oh my God, Brian,” he muttered. “Brian… oh my God!

Brian moved behind Justin, wrapped his arms around him and then rested his hands on the bump he’d been denying he noticed before this moment. He knew Justin’s body, knew every centimeter of his skin, but he had blocked the change from his mind because he didn’t want to get his own hopes up.

Justin whispered through choked sobs, “Do you feel it, Brian?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah Justin, I feel it, I noticed it before but I didn’t want to say anything in case you were just gaining weight. But it’s…”

“It’s our baby inside me, growing,” Justin whispered.

Brian looked in the mirror and held Justin’s eyes with tear-filled ones. He smiled and kissed the side of Justin’s cheek. “Congratulations,” he whispered.
 

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter Seven: New

 

Sunday, December 31, 1995

Justin squeezed a large drop of lotion in his hand and placed his palm down on his bare leg. He rubbed the lotion in a long strip up his thigh and paused. “Oh my God!” he gasped in horror.

Days after he sent out for his shopping list, Justin ran out of his butter lotion and now used a mint lotion that had no tone to it. The pure white cream was the exact same color as his skin. He knew that he lost any of the tan he’d had shortly after being taken, but he hadn’t realized just how white he’d become. He looked in the mirror and brushed a hand through his hair, which had changed too. His hair had no highlights; it was all one muted blond color. He hated his appearance and it made him hate his captors more than he already did. He was helpless and could not stop them from changing so much of his inside and outside.

Duchess scratched her nails on the other side of the door as she called for her boy. “Mrrrr… Mrrrr….”

“I’ll be out in a minute, Duchess,” Justin called to the cat. He glanced up at the clock and growled when he saw the time. He had three minutes before they’d come and get him.

After quickly applying the rest of the lotion, Justin dressed and opened the bathroom door.

Duchess glared at Justin and turned away from him, flicking her tail up in the air.

“Don’t be like that,” Justin told her, bending and picking her up. “It’s my birthday, so you have to be nice to me.” He pets her soft fur and observed, “You know, I’m practically whiter than you are and you’re almost as white as the snow.”

Duchess jumped out of Justin’s arms as they reached the kitchen and raced to her bowl. “Meow,” she purred, looking from the bowl and then to the cabinet where Justin kept her food.

“I’ve got something special for you, today.” Justin opened the freezer door and smiled at the site inside. He’d turned the temperature setting down so that everything in it would be covered in ice and snow. “I didn’t think you’d ever get to see snow, Duchess. But look, I’ve got some for you and inside the snowball is a treat.”

Duchess didn’t care less about her boy’s excitement until he said her favorite word, treat, that peaked her interest. She slowly walked over to Justin and curiously looked up at him. The white thing in his hand didn’t look like any treat he’d ever given her before.

Justin bent down and held out his freezing hand, “Look, yummy treat, Duchess. There are sardines inside the snow.”

Duchess hesitantly sniffed at the snow and faintly detected the smell of her favorite treat. She cautiously stuck her tongue out and licked the spot where the strongest scent was located. Her tongue caught the flavor and she licked again, wanting more and more.

Justin laughed, “So you like it? Good. Let me put it in your bowl.”

“Brrrr…” Duchess growled at Justin and followed after him greedily.

“You can have it now,” Justin said, dropping the snow into the bowl.

Duchess leapt over to the bowl and swatted Justin’s hand away and began to lick at the cold treat.

“No thank you?” Justin asked, putting his hands on his hips. “You are one spoiled kitty.”

He washed his hands and set about making himself a bowl of cereal, every now and then he glanced at his cat and grinned at the slow progress she made on the icy ball. “After we’re done eating we’re going to watch “Rudolph’s Shiny New Year” tape that I got for Christmas. I’m going to make us popcorn. I know you probably don’t care, Duchess, but it’s a tradition. I used to watch it all the time with Mommy and Daddy.”

Duchess looked at her boy and could see the wet stuff falling down his face again. She really liked her treat but she knew that when Justin looked sad he liked to pet her.

Justin swallowed around the lump in his throat and pushed his bowl of cereal away from him. He wasn’t supposed to eat cereal on New Year’s Eve or any thing else he was able to have delivered to his prison. He was supposed to eat stuff from the Hickory Farms box he always gave his Dad for Christmas. However, he couldn’t find it in any of the magazines he had and when he asked for a box of it on his shopping list, it never came. He remembered that he and his Mom would have to go to a special cart in the middle of the mall to buy it and figured that his captors would never do that for him.

Duchess leapt onto the chair beside Justin before promptly leaping onto his lap and cuddling against his stomach. “Mmmmrrr, Mmmmrrr,” she purred soothingly.

Justin smiled down at his kitten. “You’re the best kitty in the world, Duchess,” he praised, petting her. “You deserve to be spoiled.”
 

XXXXX

A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Eight: Madness in Love

 

Saturday, August 23, 1997

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. - Frederick Nietzsche

“I really wish that I could paint the ceiling,” Justin said for the tenth time.

“Justin,” he said his lovers name with a frustrated tone and replied, “I will paint it for you.”

“No, I want to do it.” Justin put his small paintbrush behind his ear and turned to scowl at Brian. “It would only take a minute,” he pleaded. “I could get up on a chair and you can be right under me just in case I fall.”

Brian maneuvered himself to stand up and jump out of the sea of parts for the crib he was working on. “Your belly is huge on your frame and you can barely get accustomed to walking straight when you first wake up. Do you really think it’s a good idea to risk getting up on a chair so that you can paint a few fucking clouds on the ceiling?” Brian shook his head in exasperation and muttered, “You’re being ridiculous.”

“But…but I want the baby to look at the clouds and sun sometimes. I don’t think that’s ridiculous,” Justin explained. He turned and looked at Brian for a moment, his emotions were already on edge and his bottom lip started to quiver when he saw Brian’s disapproving expression. “And I don’t like it when you say bad words to me, Brian.”

Brian bit his lip and tried not to laugh at Justin’s sensitivity to curse words. “I’m sorry,” he relented. “But Justin, you’ve read more books about pregnancy than I have. You aren’t supposed to be climbing anything.”

“K,” Justin whispered and turned back to face the wall.

Brian watched Justin dip the brush in the red acrylic but then he paused, his movement toward the wall. He saw the instrument start to shake and wrapped his arms around Justin. “Hey…hey you okay?” he whispered in Justin’s ear.

Justin leaned back and started to weep, “I…I…just want the baby to see…everything normal babies get to see.”

Brian knew Justin was absolutely terrified that the baby would never know what life outside of their prison was like. They both feared that the child would never see the sun, moon or breathe fresh air. He tried not to think about it himself, but he wondered if they would even survive long enough to see their child go to school or have friends.

Justin and Brian had both read the passages in their baby books about a child needing sunlight to thrive and grow both mentally and physically. Justin was now as pale as a ghost and now that his skin stretched from the baby, it was nearly translucent and the sight worried Brian more than he let on. In a few months, Brian’s body had become pasty white and even though he had a weight bench and treadmill; he’d become skinny and had lost a lot of his muscle. They were both that their baby would not grow and be healthy in the ways it deserved to be.

“Justin, calm down, we’re going to give the baby everything we can while we’re here. And I promise you that one day we’ll give the baby all things we can’t, okay? You have to believe that will happen.”

“I’ll try,” Justin said, wiping his tears with the hand that wasn’t holding the paintbrush.

Brian ran his hands up and down Justin’s waist and torso soothingly. “They won’t beat us, Justin. Now, why don’t you let me paint the clouds and you stick to the mural of the park?”

Justin sniffled and turned to look up at Brian and asked, “Are you sure you want to?”

“Of course,” Brian assured him, “I want our baby to see clouds too.”

“Well I can do the sunburst around the light after the baby is born,” Justin suggested.

“I’ll give the baby clouds and you give the baby the sun,” Brian observed and gave Justin a smile. “That sounds perfect.” He brushed the backs of his fingers against Justin’s hair and then wrapped his long arms around his lover.

“Our baby will be perfect,” Justin said assured.

“Mmhmm,” Brian agreed and rested his hands rested on Justin’s stomach. He could feel the baby moving around, kicking at his hands under the skin. He felt Justin relax further into him as they stared at the almost completed painting.

“I just have to finish the details on the swing set and everything is finished,” Justin said quietly.

Brian loved the work his lover had done; the entire room was painted with the colors of the rainbow. It wasn’t his normal taste in decorating but he knew that it would be a great room for their child. The mural on the far end of the room was an escape to the outside world. The sun set in the distance, reflecting on the life-like, but imaginary pond filled with ducks and toads. Benches and flowers lined the shore and the focal point was a jungle gym and a red swing-set upon a grassy hill.

“It’s amazing, Justin,” Brian whispered, his mouth moving to Justin’s ear and placing a kiss there. “You are amazing.” His lips traveled down Justin’s pale neck.

“This is amazing, feeling the baby together,” Justin said shyly. He’d dropped the paintbrush to the dust cloth below and joined Brian’s hands on his belly.

Brian felt a rush of emotions surge through him. “Yeah it is. I never thought I’d be a father, but feeling the baby inside you; I can’t imagine me ever not wanting it now. You’re both all I want.”

“Brian, you are all I really want you too, but technically I’m really hungry,” he said laughing. “Why don’t you finish putting together the crib while I go make us some sandwiches?”

Brian dropped a gentle kiss on Justin’s nose and stepped away from him. “Okay, let me help you around this mess of stuff. Maybe I’ll have the crib finished by the time you get done making lunch.”

Justin looked at Brian doubtfully as the man led him around the crib parts. “Yeah right. I think I’d have to make a five course meal for that to happen.”

“Whatever,” Brian said, gently pushing Justin up against the purple door leading out of the baby room. “I’ll have you know that your beautiful round ass has been very distracting to me.” Brian started to place kisses amongst the paint dotted skin around Justin’s neck.

“Brian stop,” Justin moaned and laughed at the same time.

“I guess I’ll stop for now,” Brian teased. “Let me know when you’re done making the sandwiches. We can watch that new movie you bought.”

Justin grinned at Brian as he opened the door to leave the nursery. “It’s only new to you, Brian. The 101 Dalmatians first came out in 1961.”

“Well I’ve never seen it and I’m not the expert on Disney films,” Brian joked.

“I hope you’re an expert on putting together a crib,” Justin replied walking out of the room, “otherwise our baby will be sleeping in a play pen.”

Brian laughed and turned to face the mess of parts on the floor. “Okay, let’s get down to business,” he said allowed. “I’ll even read the directions so this can’t be too hard.” He got back down into his earlier position and once again started to study the large white paper that said it was written in English, but still seemed foreign to him.

An hour later Brian was standing and appraising his work. He had done it, he had put together his first born’ s crib. He couldn’t wait to tell Justin. He glanced at the moon clock on the wall and realized that a lot of time had passed since Justin had gone to make lunch. Worried, he quickly went out into the living room.

“Hey, Brian,” Justin greeted the man with a smile. “I was just getting ready to call you. I had a craving and decided to made spaghetti and garlic bread instead.”

Justin wore an apron that looked like it was bursting at the seams to stretch over his stomach and it was covered with splatters of red sauce. Between that and the paint splatters on his face and neck, he looked hilarious. Brian refrained from commenting on Justin’s appearance or mentioning his worry. “I was wondering what took so long.” He took in the display of food at the dining table; the aromas were making his mouth water. Justin was the most multi-talented person Brian knew. “This smells delicious, thank you.”

Justin gave Brian a small kiss on his lips and sat down in his chair. “Go away,” he yelled at Duchess who sat in Brian’s chair.

Duchess threw her tail up at her boy and glared at Brian as she took off down the hallway.

“You haven’t been letting her lick off your plates again, have you?” Brian asked, washing his hands at the sink.

“No,” Justin sighed. “She’s been good; she just still likes to eat with me.”

“Well I get to eat with you now,” Brian told Justin, ruffling his hair as he walked around to take is seat.

Justin quickly shoveled the pasta into his mouth. “I figured making this would give you more time to put the crib together,” Justin told Brian, his words slurred by his mouth-full of food.

“I finished the crib, you’ll have to come see it after we eat,” Brian told Justin proudly, glad at his accomplishment. He took a big bite and savored the food. “This is great, Justin. It’s even better than Deb’s spaghetti, but don’t ever tell her I said that.”

“I won’t,” Justin assured. He felt good knowing that Brian liked his cooking and said it was better than Debbie’s; according to Brian, the woman made food that was better than any he’d ever tasted. “Thanks, and if the crib passes my specifications then I might give you some really delicious and hot desert.”

Brian felt his dick immediately lengthen at the suggestion. “Mmmhmm; you’ll be begging me for desert long before I ever finish dinner,” Brian laughed out.

Justin blushed and groaned around his food. He really couldn’t deny Brian’s words; he loved Brian’s cock inside him. Ever since they realized he was pregnant the sex had once again become pleasurable at all times for Justin. But that was also because he and Brian had a long talk about their relationship after discovering Justin was pregnant.

***

Monday, April 7th 1997

“I can’t believe I’m going to be a Daddy,” Justin whispered for what had to be the hundredth time in the last hour.

It didn’t get old to Brian though; he squeezed Justin’s body closer to his and replied, “I can’t either.”

Justin suddenly sat straight up and looked worriedly at Brian. “I’m sorry Brian,” his voice cracked as he cried, “I’m really...”

“Justin,” Brian interrupted, holding Justin’s hand in his own. “What are you sorry for?”

“I’m the reason that you’re here, aren’t I?” Justin said, his eyes filling with tears.

“We don’t know why we are really here, Justin,” Brian said rationally.

“But… but...you keep having to do all these things with me that you wouldn’t normally do and I don’t want you to be unhappy.”

Brian took Justin’s face in his hands and stared into his eyes. “Listen, I never imagined I’d be a father Justin. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be now, even if it isn’t something we both chose. You don’t make me unhappy, not you.” He brushed the tears from Justin’s cheeks and whispered, “It’s amazing how happy I’ve been, Justin. I’d be miserable with out you here with me. You’ve taught me how to deal with this, how to live here and not feel like I’m trapped every single second.”

“And what if it was another man in here with you? What if you were forced to do everything you’ve been forced to do with me, with him?”

“Well, I don’t think that I would fall in love with any of them like I have with you Justin. I’ve never been in love with anyone but myself Justin. I was a total asshole before I met you.”

“I can’t imagine you like that Brian,” Justin whispered.

“Well I was. Being around you and in this situation has made me become who I think I was supposed to be all along. All I ever thought I wanted was friends, money, success and a plethora of anonymous fucking tricks. There’s only one of those things that I miss.” Brian said softly.

Justin frowned and got up from the couch and kneeled in front of Brian. “Brian I’ll try to do better I promise. I’m just…I’m kind of sore right now, but I can I can suck you if you want me to.”

“Justin,” Brian pulled his lover up into his lap. “I miss my friends, Justin. That’s what I miss, nothing else. You, you’ve been fucking insatiable. I can barely keep up with you. Okay? I don’t need a fucking plethora of tricks. I don’t want them. I have you! Now what do you mean you are sore?”

Justin buried his face in his hands. “I wanted to make you happy; I know you said you had lots of sex for fun.”

“So what, Justin? That was before me and you. I thought the reason you wanted sex so much was mostly because you wanted to make a baby with me. I know you want to make me happy and I want to make you happy, but my happiness doesn’t come above yours. Do you understand me?”

“Yes,” Justin whispered.

“How sore are you, Justin? I would never want to force you to have sex if you didn’t want it for yourself too. Don’t you remember I told you that? I don’t’ want to hurt you. So let me see.”

“Oh…okay,” Justin relented and stood up.

Brian stopped Justin from dropping his sweat, “In the bathroom, okay? I don’t think anyone else should see.”

Justin took Brian’s hand as Brian led him into the bathroom. He felt so stupid and worried that now Brian was going to be angry with him.

Brian led his trembling blond into the bathroom. When he closed the door he gathered Justin in his arms. “Justin,” he sighed and buried his face in Justin’s hair and breathed in deeply, “I don’t want you for sex. I like having sex with you, but that’s not all, okay?” He drew back and looked at his lover’s wide eyes. “Okay?”

Justin nodded his head in accordance but his eyes still showed confusion.

Brian didn’t miss it for a second. “I don’t need sex as my primary source of fun, or to keep me happy, you showed me that, Justin. The first month when we would play games and watch movies, or just sit and talk; that became fun. Not that I don’t like having sex with you, but I miss making love with you.” Brian heard his own voice falter and took a deep breath and asked, “Did you ever like it. Justin?”

“Yes. Yes, Brian I did, I do. God, please, don’t think that I didn’t like it. You gave me so much, taught me so much, especially the first night.” Justin looked into Brian’s eyes and saw the pain that was reflected in his lover’s hazel eyes. “I’m sorry that I didn’t listen about stopping when I know I should have.”

“Please promise me that you won’t ever pretend, that you won’t ever tell me you want it when you are sore, or when you just don’t really want it. I can’t live with myself thinking that you are only having sex with me because you want to please me or think you have to.”

“I promise I’ll never do that again,” Justin vowed.

“Good, because I love you, Justin. Everything that happens out side of us having sex isn’t so that I can get to fuck you later. It’s because I like to spend time with you and I want to get to know you. Our baby is going to connect us forever and I want to know who you are outside of the bedroom. And in bed, if I ever hurt you, you have to tell me to stop. Don‘t just go on and act like everything is okay if it isn‘t. That is what will hurt me, what will make me unhappy okay?”

Justin squeezed Brian tightly to him and laid his head on his chest. “I don’t want to make you unhappy, Brian.”

“The only way you could do that is by not talking to me, by pretending,” Brian told him.

***

Saturday August 23, 1997

Justin was finishing his second helping of spaghetti while Brian was still working on his first. He looked up and saw Brian slurp a noodle in between his cherry lips. His dick was beyond hard now. “Fuck,” Justin gasped under his breath.

Brian smirked to himself before raising his head and looking at Justin with a very innocent expression. “Did you say something?” he asked his lover in a teasing tone.

Justin huffed and put his fork down on his plate. “Nope.” He gathered his dishes and walked to the sink and started to wash them. He glanced over at his lover and saw that Brian was now licking the stray sauce from his fingers; Justin felt envious of them.

Brian had to keep himself from laughing. He could hear Justin’s sighs and moans and feel the blue eyes upon him. He loved getting Justin riled up for him.

Justin washed the last of the dirty pans and clanked them loudly into the strainer before nearly running back to Brian and straddling his lover the best he could.

Brian didn’t know what happened. Suddenly his lap was full with Justin. His glass had fallen from his hand to the ground, but he didn’t care. His young blond was attacking his mouth with a fierce hunger and all Brian could do was hang on and kiss back.

Justin tore his face away from Brian’s and held his face away from him when it had tried to fuse with his again. “You want me,” Justin said breathlessly.

“Yes, I want you,” Brian said with lustful venom to his voice. He tried to kiss Justin again but Justin playfully batted his face away again.

Justin laughed. “I think I might go use that new dildo you got me,” he said and started to get up from Brian’s body, even though the position was really difficult to get out of.

Brian’s mouth hung open and he pushed Justin’s shoulder’s down and held him in place. “You have me here.”

“I don’t have to beg for it,” Justin said looking into Brian’s eyes with determination.

Brian’s mind spun and he wondered if Justin really didn’t like begging. Brian had thought that it was another one of the games they liked to play. He suddenly got serious, “I’m sorry Justin, I…I…” Shit he really didn’t know what to say.

“Jesus, Brian, don’t freak out, I was just joking with you.” He placed his hand against Brian’s stubble covered cheek and looked into his eyes. “I just wanted you to beg for me.”

Brian looked at Justin warily. He and Justin had discussed Brian bottoming, Brian had told Justin his ultimate bottoming fantasy even, but Justin had told him that he was content in bottoming until the right time. However, just thinking about this fantasy made Brian even harder. “You, you want...”

“I want you to beg to fuck me, Brian.” Justin leaned in and began to rain kisses all over Brian’s neck. He groaned, “I want you to tell me how much you want to be inside my, what is it you said they said in your favorite porn?” Justin looked up at Brian and smirked.

Brian gulped, “I forgot.”

Justin laughed and put his lips next to Brian’s ear. “You remember, Brian,” he whispered. “Those words that turn you on more than anything else. Remember?”

Of course Brian remembered them. His fucking pulse was rushing thinking of the phrase the man had used in the raunchy movie. When he had told Justin about it, Justin didn’t really understand the allure, he thought it was a little weird and dirty, but knowing how much it turned Brian on, made him want to hear it come out of his lover’s mouth again. But Brian had become embarrassed by his confession and told him he would never use it again. But now Justin was asking him for it.

Brian leaned back and looked into Justin’s blue eyes, they were sparkling with mischief. “Let’s go to the bedroom,” Brian said in a throaty whisper.

Justin smirked and together they maneuvered his body out of the chair and into a standing position. They found themselves laughing the whole time because it was pretty funny watching the two untangle themselves from the chair and each other.

Once in the bedroom Justin undressed and placed himself on the center of the bed to watch Brian undress. His smile was one of naughty anticipation.

When Brian was naked he crawled up the bed beside Justin. “No need to look so smug,” he said with a laugh.

Justin smiled more. “Come on, Brian.”

Brian pounced onto his lover. He started to kiss Justin’s mouth, taking control and demanding dominance with his tongue. He pulled away and when Justin moaned the loss he placed a finger gently on his swollen lips before stalking kisses and bites down his neck.

Justin arched off the bed when Brian started to suck and bite at his sensitive pink nipples. The small tufts of blond hair surrounding them were bathed in saliva and Brian pulled at them with his lips. He felt his cock leaking onto the bottom of his large belly, wanting attention, but Justin was determined to hold off from orgasm.

Brian continued down Justin’s chest where it began to raise at the sternum. Justin couldn’t stop the moans erupting from his mouth when Brian’s tongue made its way to his protruding belly button. It felt fucking amazing; this was one of his favorite acts of foreplay. Goosebumps spread from his navel and then covered his stomach and then the rest of his body. He tried to remain calm and not come but Brian was putting out all the stops.

Now Brian had moved Justin’s cock out of the way of his mouth’s path and started to nuzzle his head around in the thick curly blond bush. His sweaty locks of hair were rubbing and wrapping around Justin’s leaking cock, bathing in the juices emanating from Justin’s slit. He was so turned on and loved it when their sex got to this dirty level. He reveled in the fact that Justin so obviously loved it too.

Brian raised his head and looked down at Justin’s locked legs and then back up into Justin’s eyes. He quickly positioned his body up and on top of Justin’s, blanketing him but still propped up on his elbows and knees so he wouldn’t be resting on his stomach. His face dripped sweat onto Justin’s and for a few minutes they just stared at one another breathing.

“What do you want, Brian?” Justin asked.

Brian smiled. “To make love with you.”

Justin shook his head no and pushed Brian off of him and to his side. He rolled over and faced away from him. “What do you want, Brian?” he said again and glanced to look over his shoulder.

Brian was beyond hard right now. He really didn’t know how he wasn’t just coming like a teenager, but somehow he was holding on. And he knew deep down that it was because he wanted to play this game, this some what of a role reversal game. The idea was making him so fucking hot, he had to play along, and the end could only get better.

Justin wiggled his ass a bit and gathered some pillows around his stomach to support the weight of the baby a little more. “What do you want?”

Brian moved closer to Justin and lay behind him. His body a hair’s breadth away. He trailed a hand up the back of Justin’s thigh and over his ass and up into Justin hair. He needed to be inside his lover, immediately.

Justin shivered at the soft touch but was startled when Brian tugged his hair making his head fall against his shoulder. He closed his eyes when he felt Brian’s hot breath on his neck and then at ear.

“I need to fuck you,” Brian told Justin.

Justin once again shook his head no.

Brian sighed dramatically and pressed his body’s length fully against Justin’s backside. His cock was leaking against Justin’s ass cheeks. “Please,” he begged.

Justin could feel the sticky pre-come leaking between his cheeks. He wanted Brian’s cock in him, he did, but he wanted Brian to talk to him. “Tell me more, Brian. What exactly do you want?”

Brian smiled and started kiss Justin’s neck while he wound his free arm around Justin’s stomach and started to stoke it. “I want to slide my fingers inside you and open you up for my cock.”

Justin moaned, “No.”

Brian grunted and started to nibble on Justin’s ear. “You want me to talk dirty; you want me to beg you for it?” Brian said hotly.

“Mmm…. God, yes!” Justin nearly screamed and placed his hand with Brian’s on his stomach. “Come on, Brian,” he squeezed his lover’s fingers. “Tell me… you know you want to say it, Brian.” Justin lifted one of his legs and rested it on the bed. “Your fingers, Brian,” he instructed him.

Brian tore his hand from Justin’s and pushed two digits into the Justin’s mouth. He felt Justin bite down at first and then start to suck. The feeling went straight to his groin. “You’re making me so hot Justin. My cock is aching it’s so fucking hard for you. It wants in you so bad.”

Brian heard Justin moan around his fingers and quickly popped them out, leaving a trail of spittle from the pink lips to his fingers until he moved his hand away and proceeded to wedge his sopping fingers up Justin’s winking asshole.

“Ahh fuck! Yes!” Justin screamed as Brian’s fingers started to open him.

Brian explored the silk tunnel, but stayed away from Justin’s prostate knowing Justin was very close to orgasm. He had to give them both what they wanted first. “I’m going to open you up for me.”

“Then….what?” Justin gasped.

“I’ll show you,” Brian said and took his fingers from Justin’s ass and placed his cock at his hole. “I want to fuck you, Justin. God, you’re so fucking hot, your ass felt so good around my fingers, so tight, my dick wants that too, Justin. It wants to be buried….” Brian placed his dickhead at Justin’s hole and slowly pushed in sliding it inside Justin’s ass.

“You want me, Brian?” Justin asked when the other man had half of his length inside of him.

Brian pulled Justin tighter to him and slipped into his hole completely, causing them both to moan. “Yeah, I want you. I want to fuck your hot…. little….” Brian paused and started to bite at Justin’s neck.

“Say it, Brian, tell me!” Justin demanded and squeezed his ass around the invading cock.

Brian pulled out to his crown and started to suck on Justin’s earlobe. “I want to fuck your hot little tight ass, forever,” he breathed. “I’m going to, Justin,” Brian told him, lost in the euphoric bliss he only found inside Justin. “I’m going to fuck your hot…..” Brian licked around the shell of Justin’s ear, “little…” his tongue now swirled inside it causing Justin’s hearing to somehow broaden, “tight warm ass,” he whispered and bit down on Justin’s ear while he slammed back inside the tight body.
 

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter Eight: Fighting It

 

Tuesday, January 2, 1996

Justin placed the cans of green beans on the counter top and wiped the sweat from his brow with the back of his hand. He gripped the edge of the granite, letting it take much of his weight as he worked to slow his breathing.

Duchess stared at Justin and purred low, worried about her boy.

“I’m fine,” Justin told his cat before taking another deep breath of air. “I’m just out of shape.”

Duchess wasn’t convinced so she promptly jumped up on Justin’s shoulder and put her face near his sweaty neck, licking at the fast pulse she found there. She purred low again before jumping back onto the counter top and tapping her tail from side to side, waiting anxiously.

Justin rolled his eyes at his cat’s worry. “I really am okay,” he spoke. His legs felt wobbly as he walked over to the fridge and grabbed a bottle of water out. He was careful to drink small sips so that he wouldn’t end up puking but still felt a little green when the cool water hit his stomach.

“Come on, Duchess,” he called to the cat, taking his water and walking back into the living room. He grabbed the remote for the television and practically fell down into the sofa cushions. When the cat didn’t follow him he looked over his shoulder and called her again. “Come on, Duchess. No more exercising today, I promise.”

The entire time Justin had exercised, which only consisted of him walking in place while periodically lifting the canned vegetables above his head, Duchess growled at him. She had sat on the couch, her head sticking out from where she was buried underneath the throw pillow. Duchess had never seen Justin, or anyone for that matter, act so strangely. She didn’t like it when his face started to get red and his body started to look like it was crying. Then he was making weird noises and that continued to bother her until he finally finished, looking like he might fall over. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to be around Justin or not.

Duchess decided that even though he looked, felt and smelled funny she would listen when he called her a third time. She approached him slowly, purring in a barely-there pitch as she assessed him from the floor.

Justin laughed at the cat. “It’s okay, Duchess. I’m just tired. I guess you’ve never seen me do that, huh?”

Duchess didn’t move and her expression didn’t change.

Justin took a larger sip of water, placed the bottle on the table and grabbed his stiffening kitten and placed her on his lap. “You really are silly,” he told her, petting her back. “I wasn’t doing anything wrong.”

Duchess calmed down a little and didn’t arch her back so much as she realized that Justin was no longer breathing funny.

“I have to get some muscles; I’m almost a man you know. I’ll look like a stick forever if I don’t start to get in shape. When I was little I used to work out with my mommy like that but it didn’t make me so tired.” He yawned for a long time and slouched further into the couch. “I have to be strong if I’m going to survive this,” he whispered, glad when the cat began purring contently.

Duchess curled into a ball on Justin’s lap and listened to his soft voice; it was sleepy and made her very sleepy too.

“If I see my mommy and daddy again I don’t want them to be so scared if they see me looking like I do,” Justin continued. “It’s one thing to look like I have ghost skin; I can’t do anything about that. But I don’t want to look like a little boy. I’ll have to show them that I can be a man. This is a new year, Duchess, and I’m going to make it the best that I can for us.”

XXXXX

A Captivating Coupling

Chapter 9: Brian

Tuesday, September 2, 1997

“Ahh!” Justin felt the tingles in his balls the second Brian said the words to him. It had become an addiction, after that first time. He’d tried to hold off his orgasm but Brian continued to say hot, sweet and dirty words; some of the words he hadn’t ever heard before, but they triggered a place deep inside him that Brian unleashed.

Giving up on holding back, Justin gave his dick one last tug as Brian lurched into him from behind, the pressure inside him released immediately. Justin came like he never had before; his cum splattered onto the sheets below him, up on to his chest and a little hit his face, just under his lips. He collapsed onto his shoulders and head when Brian came, jerking his body forward with his weight.

There were times when he couldn’t stop thinking about being outside, couldn’t stop wanting to smell rain, to be warmed by sun or chilled by the wind. But when Brian fucked him and brought him completely to a place made just for them; it was their sexual need and heat that became the sun, their sweat and sloppy kisses that became the rain and Brian’s breath pushing around the hairs at the nape of Justin neck, that became the wind on their post-passion, cooling bodies.

“Are, are you alright?” Brian asked in a throaty whisper, slowly pulling himself from Justin’s body and assessing Justin’s red entrance once he did.

Justin turned so he lay on his side and nodded at his beautiful lover. “I’m wonderful,” he replied. “Sore, but in a good way.”

Brian lay down beside Justin and gave him a small kiss; he whispered against his lips, “That was the hottest thing I have ever seen.” His fingers graced Justin’s still-sweating forehead and carefully looked Justin over; instantly he saw that Justin was exhausted. “I didn’t hurt you or the baby with my over-zealous fucking, did I?”

“No, I’m a little crampy, but that always happens after we have sex,” Justin assured Brian and patted his stomach. The cramping seemed more persistent and the baby moved around much more than it usually did during and after intercourse, but he didn’t want to worry Brian. Justin had read that at this time in his pregnancy he would feel the baby being much more active than ever before.

“I think we need to keep those words for special occasions,” Brian joked, breaking the serious silence that had momentarily loomed between them. “I think your reaction drained my balls completely and we wouldn’t want that, would we?”

Justin let out a guttural laugh and was about to respond in with his own joke when a particularly painful cramp clawed at his stomach and then around to his back. He grabbed his stomach, shut his eyes and breathed deeply until it passed. When he opened them again, he saw Brian’s smile was gone and his eyes were wide with worry.

“What was that?” Brian asked in a fake-calm voice.

“Just the cramps I get,” Justin said, irritated from the pain that now had finally lessened and from Brian’s stern stare.

“Are you sure you are okay, Justin? Remember that you promised me that you would tell me if you weren’t. I don’t want to have to find out that you’ve been fucking me and hurting yourself, just because you think that I want to fuck all the time,” Brian warned.

Brian’s tone of voice and condescending attitude was not what Justin needed at the moment that another cramp, not as strong as the last, but still painful, hit him again. “Fuck, Brian!” Justin pushed himself into a sitting position, despite the discomfort and glared down at his lover. “I’m not lying, okay. I’m fine! The baby is fine. Every time we fuck I get cramps because you have a big penis and my body doesn’t like it when it’s suddenly removed from my body. Since I’ve become pregnant, the cramps are a little more intense, but still, they’re nothing new!”

Brian sat up and placed his hand on Justin’s naked shoulder and apologized, “I’m sorry, okay? I just get so scared about your pregnancy, Justin. We don’t have real medical care, not like they do in the real world. No matter how much you think you know about sex and having babies, you don’t know what I know about sex and you don’t know what a doctor knows about babies. You’re so young and the books said that if you don’t take care of yourself it could be…”

“Can you fucking lay off of me for a minute, Brian?” Justin asked, feeling the rise of anger burn into his body along with another cramp. He swung his legs to the side of the bed, hopped down and started to pull back on his sweats. “I’m young, but I’m not a child and I don’t like you talking to me like I am. I know that I’m practically handicapped where some of the emotional stuff comes in, but I know how to read. I’ve read all those fucking baby books too! I’ve read some of them more than once.”

“Can you blame me for being worried?” Brian asked.

Justin put his hands on his hips and glared daggers at Brian. “Yes, I can. It’s one thing to be worried; it’s another thing to act like I’m a little kid. You act like you know so much more than I do, but you don’t!”

“Calm down,” Brian tried to speak gently. “You’re not supposed to get stressed out. That’s my baby too and I have a right to be worried, when a teenager who didn’t know what sex was until a few months ago, is carrying it!” Brian put a hand over his mouth as soon as he spoke his last word.

He did not know what on Earth had possessed him to say what he had. It made him sound childish, not Justin. He could’ve just let Justin cool off; he knew the pregnancy hormones were making Justin snappy. Brian cursed himself for not just letting Justin have his say and do his best to calmly make peace and show him that he cared without doing exactly what Justin thought he did to him. He was belittling him.

Justin spun on his heel and walked toward the bedroom door. His nerves were on edge, his emotions were at the surface of his skin and he could feel himself shaking from Brian’s doubts, from the truth in Brian’s words. Feeling both angry at Brian and ashamed of himself, the conflicting emotions brought so much pain that he could barely feel the cramps anymore. “Do me a favor and leave me the fuck alone, Brian,” Justin forced out in a desperate plea, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Brian had no idea what to do. He wanted to rush after Justin, really apologize and try to make up to Justin. He was sure though, that if he didn’t respect Justin’s wishes, at least for a little while, and give Justin some time alone, it would only make things worse. Tired from their sex and their fighting, Brian put his head onto Justin’s pillow lay down. After many conversations and lack of a real plan, sleep won out and calmed Brian’s thoughts, the smell of his lover surrounding him.

Justin however was not peaceful and no longer tired. He was riled up from confusion, hurt and resentment. He couldn’t stand that Brian saw him as a child and always second-guessed him. He was having a baby and he thought that alone should make him an adult! How Brian could act like he would do something to hurt their baby on purpose was beyond Justin.

After letting Duchess out of the nursery, where he and Brian had accidently locked her in, Justin sat on the couch with her and pet her, hoping that it would calm him down. Duchess’ purr usually soothed Justin when he was upset, but after a half hour of petting her, he was still angry and hadn’t calmed down at all.

In fact, he’d only managed to divulge to the cat all of his issues with Brian and he used all the bad words that he knew he wasn’t supposed to say. It felt good to defy Brian in that manner and he wanted more of the payback feeling. He suddenly remembered the one thing that Brian had told Justin that he wasn’t ever to do because ‘he wasn’t old enough yet’ to do it.

Stopping his pacing, and with a devious smile on his face Justin went into the kitchen and pulled open the refrigerator and pulled open the bottom drawer. There, underneath the lunch meat he found what he was looking for.

Justin had read that a glass of wine or two was thought to be good for a pregnant person and would calm them down. Well, Brian had told Justin to stay away from the bottle because he didn’t think Justin could handle it and because he wasn’t old enough. Justin never said anything, but it pissed him off that Brian drank it all the time to relax and he liked the taste of Brian’s mouth after he drank it and didn’t see much of a change in the man. He didn’t think that there was any reason why he couldn’t be an adult and have some to relax to.

Justin wanted to relax so that the cramps would finally dissipate. Thinking about Brian’s words made him hurt more and he wanted it all to stop, plus it would be good revenge to show Brian that he could handle it. Justin didn’t give two shits if he was underage; he was a fucking captive and could do what he wanted. Plus, he recalled that the midwife book he’d just read had stated that it helped ease cramps too.

Justin got a tall glass, the closest one that looked like one his Mommy used, and poured the liquid into it, filling it to the brim. He didn’t like the taste at first, it tasted much better mixed with Brian’s mouth, but after the first few drinks he did realize that it started to make him relax and the initial burn turned into fuzzy warmth that ran through his entire body.

He took the bottle and glass with him into the living room and sat down on the carpet and started to watch the television. When he finished the first glass, Justin felt happy and definitely thought it was working and he knew that he could handle it. He poured a little more from the bottle and started drinking it as he watched “The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers” video.

Duchess watched her boy worriedly. After trying to distract him and get him to pet her for the fifth time, only to have him swat her away, she gave up and walked down the hall to the bedroom. She scratched at the bedroom door and meowed over and over, hoping that the tall man would answer the door and help her boy.

Duchess nearly exhausted herself, to no avail, and raced back into the living room. She hopped up on the couch and looked down at her boy while constantly letting out worried mewls that were ignored.

As Tommy rescued Kimberly from the bone yard dinosaur, Justin let out a loud laugh at the silliness of the scene and decided he was definitely feeling better. As a matter of fact; he really wasn’t feeling anything at all. His entire body felt lazy and numb and he feeling comfortable enough to turn and lay on his stomach to watch the television, something he missed doing since his belly started growing.

After the movie ended, Justin felt bored and quite horny and his cock was aching and his body felt so warm. He started to get up so he could jerk it, but when he tried to get move his muscles felt too weak and he fell back down to the floor. Instead he just started to rub himself against the floor. At the right angle he could feel the carpet fibers massaging his dick through the sweats and he started to hump himself faster and faster on the floor, creating delicious friction as the world disappeared from his conscious thinking.

 

***
 

Brian woke up to the sound of the TV ‘snowing’ and he could hear Justin moaning loudly. He smiled, thinking about Justin lying on the couch masturbating and probably thinking of him and the sex they’d shared a few hours before. This made his cock immediately jump to attention. Not bothering with clothes, intent upon luring Justin into the bedroom, Brian quickly hurried out of their room and down the hall; their earlier fight forgotten. Duchess was immediately at his heels, whining and telling Brian that her boy was in trouble, but Brian ignored the cat too.

When he reached the living room it took him a second to take the scene in. And then, his erection was forgotten. He rushed to Justin and crouched down next to the squirming boy, his foot hitting and spilling the contents left in the glass beside his nearly passed out lover. “Justin!” Brian screamed, turning him over onto his back.

Justin jumped and looked up at Brian. “Wadda vu wan?”

Brian was panicking from the site of the blood covering Justin’s pants and the floor under him. He reached under Justin’s arms and pulled Justin back to lean against him. “Help!” Brian screamed, looking up toward the camera above the kitchen’s bar. “Help!”

“Bwii,” Justin mumbled, trying to keep his eyes open. “Hurss.”

“Help!” Brian screamed again and then looked back down at Justin. “Are you insane? You are fucking pregnant, you can‘t be fucking drinking and, and lying on your stomach. What did you do?” Brian yelled in panic. “You’re bleeding, baby!”

“Vat? Fuck Vou! Imanot a baba!” Justin yelled and pushed away from Brian and got onto his hands and knees.

Brian was frozen in horror and had no idea what to do other than continue to scream for help. “Help us!” he yelled, as he went after Justin and tried to pick him up. “Come here,” Brian said, “they have to see that you’re hurt, Justin.” He thought that maybe where Justin was the camera in the living room wasn’t picking him up so he pulled Justin up and tried to get him in view to the one near the kitchen. “Help us!”

Justin pushed Brian away from him and felt the room spin and grabbed onto the bar. “I hate you,” he told Brian in a straight voice, staring right at him.

Those words had come out clear and Brian felt like he’d been shot in the heart; but there was much more to be worried about than those words right then. He followed after Justin and stood in front of him, trying to get Justin to let him help him. “Justin, you have to sit down, you have to sit down in front of the camera so they can see you need help. They can’t see you right there,” he explained desperately, fighting off waves of nausea when he saw Justin’s blood smeared stomach. “Please, Justin,” he begged.

“No!” Justin shouted using all the strength he could to push Brian away when he came closer to him.

Duchess circled around the man and boy nervously, meowing and purring in distress. When Brian accidently kicked her, Duchess decided she’d had enough and ran to hide in the bedroom.

“Justin, you and the baby are hurt,” Brian choked out, his eyes spilling forth the tears he’d tried to keep from falling. “Let me help you if they won’t,” he pleaded.

Justin looked at Brian through his blurry gaze and momentarily forgot how mad he had been and wondered why Brian crying. He tried to step toward the man but a pain shot through his back and up his stomach and chest and he could hardly stand the pain. He collapsed onto his ass, hitting the tile floor hard. He was next to the garbage can and immediately stuck his face in it and started to puke up his stomach’s contents as more pain ripped through his body.

“Justin!” Brian yelled in horror, falling to his knees behind Justin. He looked up at the camera they were now in direct line of site with and waved one arm and yelled, “Help us! Justin’s hurt! The baby is hurt!”

“Brian!” Justin spoke in panic, looking up in a daze at Brian. He gripped his lover’s hand and stared into his hazel eyes and asked, “What happened?”

“Fuck, Justin…. You….you don’t know?” Brian asked in fear.

“Brian help me, it fucking hurts!” Justin moaned in agony, feeling his body jerk from spasms inside him. “What, what happened to me? What’s wrong with the baby?” he sobbed. The intense pain he was in had instantly sobered him up but he still felt as though he was hallucinating.

“Shh…. Shh…” Brian smoothed Justin’s hair back from his face. “They’ll come,” he promised Justin, getting more terrified from the pool of blood that began to surround them. “Someone help!” Brian shouted.

“Briiiiiannnnn!” Justin yelled as he started to shake uncontrollably in Brian’s arms.

It looked as though Justin were having a seizure and Brian felt completely helpless. He didn’t know what to do and grew even more terrified as Justin’s eyes began to roll back into his head and his coloring became completely ashen. “Fuck, no….no….no… don’t do that, I’m here, Justin. I’m here.”

“Hurttttss…” Justin gasped, his hips rocking as stabbing pains rippled within him.

“No…no….no…no…no…God!” Brian yelled as he gathered his lover close to him. “Help, fucking help us!” he screeched.

Another pain cracked through Justin’s body and he felt a large amount of pressure inside him and then it was released in a torrent of throbbing, pains. This caused his eyes to bolt open and his mouth emitted a loud moan. He couldn’t think straight for more than a few minutes and he couldn’t form the words to tell Brian how he needed to be helped, he kept forgetting what was happening.

“Please help us!!!!” Brian sobbed, staring up at the camera.

“What’s… what’s happen…” Justin asked his hands clutched his moving stomach.

“You’re hurt, Justin. Fuck, I don’t know what to do! I don’t know!” Brian cried.

The pain was momentarily ebbing and allowed Justin a moment of clarity, though he could barely focus his gaze on Brian’s face. “Am, am I bleeding?” Justin asked through clenched teeth.

“Yes,” Brian admitted. “I don’t know what to do, Justin, I’m sorry. I don’t know if they are coming to help us. I think I need to look at you and see if I can help you,” Brian exclaimed, trying to sound stronger than he was.

“Yes…” Justin breathed through the pain moved around.

Brian propped up against the back of the bar. “Can you hold yourself there and I’ll take off your pants?”

“I think I’m having the baby, Brian,” Justin said right before another shock jolted inside him.

“I… I think so too,” Brian said as he stripped Justin’s bloody sweats from his body. He had to distance himself from what all the liquid actually was, what it meant, because otherwise there was no way that Brian could help his love.

Justin’s head lolled back and forth and he gasped and panted while he looked around them. “There…there’s…so much blood, Br…Brian.” He reached out to grab Brian’s hand as the instinctual urge to push came upon him. Justin had never felt so much pain in his life, he felt like he was being ripped open with fire coated forceps. “Brian!” he screamed as quickly another pain seared him.

“Oh god, Justin!” Brian screamed as he forced Justin’s legs apart and up toward his stomach. He could clearly see that Justin was stretched widely and the tangled feet of their baby was coming first. Brian was completely lost, he had no idea what to do and the baby coming early was horrible for the baby but it being delivered breech could kill Justin.

“Help us, you mother fuckers!” he yelled, waving frantically at the cameras once again. “Help us!!!!!”

“Brian….c…can you s…s..see the baby?” Justin asked hopefully, his eyes closing and grip on Brian’s hand slacking. Before Brian could answer him he felt the greatest of all the pain and such an intense pressure pummeled his core that it caused him to scream his lover’s name into unconsciousness.

Completely stunned and grief-panic-shocked stricken, Brian knelt in between Justin’s legs frozen, holding the too tiny newborn in his blood covered hands. He could see every organ and vein in the little boy’s body. His eyelids were so thin that you could see the eye balls perfectly and the umbilical cord was still connected somewhere inside Justin’s body and attached to the tiniest stomach Brian had ever seen. However it was also wrapped around and around the baby’s neck. Nothing on the baby was visibly moving.

Brian gazed in absolute horror as he realized that the child’s heart wasn’t beating. Brian sprung into action and unwound the spongy cord from around the small, fragile neck and saw no change in his child’s breathing or beating of his heart, even though the baby seemed to jerk and give tiny movements. All the young father could do was hold his lifeless child, his son, to his chest as he screamed for help but was sure none was coming.

He looked at Justin laying in what was a sea of blood now. He had to help him, but didn’t know what to really do. Brian first grabbed a knife and cut the umbilical cord, it didn’t seem that the placenta was coming out on it‘s own and he wouldn’t entertain the thought of why that was.

He held the child in one hand as he checked to see if Justin was still breathing. He breathed a sigh of relief when he realized he was, but knew that Justin’s breaths were very shallow and barely perceptible. Brian pulled his unconscious lover into his arms and held him against his body. He moved Justin’s arms and placed the baby in them.

Brian’s mind was at a loss with grief and shock, but he knew he had to give Justin this. His hands moved Justin’s to make him hold their baby. “This is your daddy, Sonny-boy,” he cried. “I’m… I’m your daddy too… we…we…both love you. l…l…love you very much. We’re going to miss you so...soooo much! It…it….wasn’t supposed to be like this, baby boy. Something happened and we didn’t know, what, what, to do. Oh god,” he wept. “Sonny-boy, me and daddy wanted you so much.”

All the dreams and hopes he had for his child were gone. All the hopes he had for him and Justin to become a family once they were rescued were dashed. Brian was so fucking alone, and so scared but had no fucking clue what he could do to help but continue to scream for some. “Help!!!!” he cried, holding the two blond boys he loved so much close to him. “Help them!”

The next second he heard the outer door open and within seconds six men dressed in black from head to toe with ski masks on their faces, one of whom carried an orange stretcher, entered the apartment.

“Get away from them,” one of the men ordered Brian. “We’re taking them with us!”

Brian held tighter to his lover and child. “No!” he gasped, realizing that he wasn’t going to be going with them.

“We are here to help,” another man said and pointed his gun at Brian. “Now move away or I will shoot you!”

Brian moved from behind Justin and placed him carefully on the floor and took the child back into his arms. “Where were you when I called for help?” he screamed, standing up.

None of the men answered. They just pushed Brian out of the way and started to move Justin onto the stretcher. “Where are you taking him?” Brian asked, cradling his child protectively against his chest. He went closer and started to kiss Justin’s face and whispered, “I love you, baby.”

The man with the gun moved Brian out of the way forcefully. “Get away from him!”

“Where are you taking him?” Brian shouted again, but received no answer except the pistol being shoved in his face.

“The child, place him on his chest,” another man pointing a gun ordered.

Brian shook his head no but then the man turned the pistol and pointed it at Justin’s head. “No,” Brian shouted, tears were nothing new to his cheeks at this point; they fell upon them in a constant waterfall of pain. Brian looked at the tall man in the mask and shook his head in despair. He kissed his child’s soft forehead and lips before setting him down onto Justin’s chest.

He watched in a daze as the men pinned Justin’s arm across their child with a strap and lifted the gurney in the air. The gun was ever present against his lover’s blood soaked hair. The sight was sickening and gruesome.

Brian held Justin’s free hand and looked at his child one last time before they took them away from him. When the door shut, Brian could do nothing but curl up in a tight ball against the corner of doorway and sob. His lovers, and son’s life-blood stained his skin, the only thing to wash away the traces were the tears of sorrow and grief that did nothing to cleanse his mind as he sobbed his way into the darkness of sleep.

 

***
 

The first hour that Justin and his baby, his son, were gone, Brian's face was smashed against the door. It looked almost like he was trying to peer through it. His eyes remained open, but he wasn't seeing a thing. His fears and hopes were blinding him, beating through his brain and crushing any rationale or reality.

Shock was too nice of a word for what the man felt; though that seemed to be the state he was in. Devastation would describe where Brian’s mind was more accurately, but that was even not enough of an emotion. Pain. The simplicity of that word was the extravagance of his being.

When Brian's legs could no longer hold the position he fell to his left side, the impact jarring him from his unreality.

***

 
Brian’s P.O.V.

I don't see the fall; only feel the well-received pain on the left side of my face. I can barely move my legs, my limbs are numb and I'm not really sure why. I'm so fucking disoriented. I bring my hand up to my face and I'm startled to see it's covered in blood.

I don't really feel hurt anywhere else, but then again I don't really feel my body. I force myself to flip over onto my stomach and I have to close my eyes because I'm dizzy from the movement. When I open them I take in the disaster in the kitchen. And that's when every thing pummels me, no matter how tight I close my eyes, I can’t stop the reality from pushing its way into my conscious mind.

My eyes shoot open and I can't catch my breath. I bolt upright and look again toward the kitchen, toward the blood all over the floor, and the smaller spot seeping into the carpet in the living room. That's my lover's blood! My...my...my child's blood!

My heart feels like it might beat out of my chest, powered by the rage that boils from within me. Those fucking assholes that brought us here, they didn't help us! They took Justin and they let our baby die! I have no idea if Justin is okay. He was so fucking out of his mind before the baby even came all the way out. His body’s natural instincts pushed our son into this world the last little way.

The anger gives me a burst of strength, yet all I want to do is fall down and scream and cry. I want to beg ‘God’ to just tell me, tell me if Justin is all right, and tell me what happened to my baby. But in my heart, I know that our child is gone. He was gone before he ever breathed a breath of this stale air.

My stomach lurches when I try and take a deep breath. My nostrils flare begging for clean air and that only serves to beckon the rancid smell swirling throughout the apartment, to embed itself into my body. I can't stop myself from retching.

The smell of death is assaulting. It crawls slowly through anything good inside me until I am dry heaving and sobbing so loud it hurts my own ears. I’m powerless to stop it though. And right now, all I want is to die, be taken from the Earth the way my baby was and the way Justin may be.

No.. no.. that’s wrong, Justin isn’t dead. He could be all right. He will be all right. I have to believe that or I I’m as good as dead. And, if Justin is okay, if he’s alive, even if they don’t ever bring him back here, I will find him. They won’t take him away from me.

I manage to roll my body away from the mess and fall onto my back on the floor. No more crying, I tell myself. No more crying. But then, I am deaf by the silence around me.
To fill the void I start to mumble his name, “Justin. Justin. Justin.” I say it over and over, until my brain doesn't even register the sick sound of nothingness.

I am alone. But as long as my lips breathe his name I think I still have him with me. He still has a chance, even if it is with out me. “Justin.”

I feel so fucking weak. I am weak. And it seems like my entire body is moist and sticky with bodily fluids that aren't meant to be passed from one lover to the next. My naked shaking form is covered in it all. I feel used. More than ever.

“Justin.”

The skin on my bones only serves in the propaganda for the turmoil that has encompassed my life since they were taken from me.

“Justin.”

This all is weighing me down and I wonder if I could drown on the soft carpet of the living room floor. Maybe if I just lay here and starve myself I won’t have this fear, I won’t have to feel this pain. Fuck! I have to stop this way of thinking. I can’t pity myself right now.

“Justin.”

I have to stay positive. No, no, that's the wrong word. There is too much grief, guilt and fright within me to stay any one way; let alone positive. I settle on thinking of Justin again. When have I truly stopped?

“Justin.”

I think of his beauty, his voice and his passion. He loves me, those people are going to help him and he’s going to come home to me. He won't die and I don’t think they’ll let him. It would be in their best interest to keep him alive so that they can continue on with their fucking plan. Shit, but what will that be now? Will we have to do this all over again?

“Justin.”

Whatever the fuck it is. I'll go along with it. As long as I am with him. I’ll do whatever I have to do if Justin is back home.

“Justin.”

I'd take their plan right now, I'd fucking own it! Every fiber of their devious plot of torture I would embrace if it would give me Justin back!

“Justin.”

I don't want anyone but him, ever. He will be home. Here with me.

“Justin.”

I may not be able to help him from here. But if they bring him back I have to be here and be strong for him. He certainly can't come home and see me like this. I have this disgusting feeling that he won't be home for awhile. And when he does, he will probably hate me. I know that I made him upset, I should’ve stopped being over-protective when he asked me to be. I’m the adult in the relationship, but throwing that in Justin’s face only hurt him.

“Justin.”

I take the anger and guilt and push it into getting myself to move. I get up on my knees and crawl over to the reddish-browned sticky carpet.

“Justin.”

I have to get rid of the mess. I can’t look at it. Pins and needles try and stop me from rising to my feet. I refuse to acknowledge them and keep going through the stabs of pain in my legs.

“Justin.”

I hobble forward and I brace myself on the living room side of the bar while I get my bearings and focus on the broom closet in the back of the kitchen. My bare feet avoid the blood with out me even looking down.

“Justin.”

As soon as I make it to the closet I take out a mop and try my best to not think about what I am about to do, clean up the evidence of my child's life. And death. And possibly… no.

“Justin.”

Going through the motions to dispose of what I can of the evidence, I wonder if I am dead and not human. I have no idea how I am able to do this alone. I finish cleaning up what I can and put towels down to hide what I can’t clean yet. The shower I take with my head up after I catch my first glimpse of the water mixing with blood. I clean my body with my eyes closed, on autopilot. When I’m finished I go into the bedroom to get dressed and Duchess greets me from the bed with a soft meow.

She watches me dress with the saddest expression I’ve ever seen her make.

“He’ll be back,” I tell her, falling onto the bed beside her.

Duchess purrs softly and curls up against my chest, making me feel a little less alone. “He’ll be back,” I tell her again, feeling exhaustion claim me as I begin to fall asleep, my head on Justin’s pillow, his scent calming me.

 

***
 

Thursday, October 2, 1997

Brian sat on the couch drinking coffee and eating toast, every now and then he’d feed Duchess a little piece from his plate. She had not let him be without her in the month since Justin had been taken. This wasn’t because Brian was spoiling her with treats and tastes of human food. Duchess was as lonely as Brian, and she knew that her human needed her and comforted him the same way she’d done for her boy before the man had come along.

Brian had kept himself from falling into despair the past month by readying the apartment for Justin’s return. He had written letters to the kidnappers and sent them out with his list of groceries and other items asking about Justin and his child, but never received any word in return. He had no idea if Justin or his child were coming home, he had no idea what their health was. He still felt a connection to Justin but that bond with his baby seemed severed and he wasn’t sure if he should trust his feelings about it or not.

When Brian thought of his son, he referred to him as Beacan. He did not want his child to go unnamed and this was the name he and Justin had chosen to give the child if it they had a little boy. His thoughts drifted to his child nearly every moment of his lonely days. He couldn’t help but wish and dream of what their life would be like when they were rescued.

Brian began to hum the tune that he hoped would one day be familiar to his child. He would press his lips close to Justin’s belly and hum the song nearly every day. This song now nearly drowned out the sound of the outer door opening. At first, Brian didn’t move from the sofa, thinking it was the food he’d requested. But Duchess leapt from his lap and ran toward the front door and began to scratch it.

 

***
 

“You’re going back, Justin,” a man’s voice had spoken to him from the other side of the curtain in the white room where he was kept. Seconds later he was blindfolded and then gagged when he started to ask questions. He didn’t have the energy to fight as they roughly dressed him, making him cry out in pain around the material stuffed into his mouth.

They’d yanked him to his feet, and a large hand wrapped around his wrist, an angry man’s voice commanded him to walk and he was pulled after the person, tripping and falling every couple of steps he took on his wobbly legs.

He guessed that it had only been about a week since they’d allowed him to walk around what he’d come to think of as his hospital room. Before that, his wrists and ankles were kept in straps unless he was being tended to. Justin knew that he was far from being in a real hospital and could smell that the cracked walls had been freshly painted white. The ‘doctor’ that saw to him wore a scrub mask that covered everything except his cold grey eyes. He acted as though Justin was a cadaver and only spoke to him when he absolutely needed to for medical reasons or if he decided it was time to sadistically mess with his head. He would tell Justin that he was ignorant, that he didn’t deserve to have a child and speak countless other horrible words to him.

While this went on, Justin would try to ignore him and go inside himself, thinking about Brian and what their life would be like together if he they were ever free. But while he slept, the doctor’s words came back to him, flooding his dreams with nightmares.

Justin didn’t think that they’d driven for very long when the vehicle slowed down; he heard what sounded like a garage door opening and then closing and the vehicle stopped. The man that sat beside him pulled him out of the vehicle. Justin tried to smell fresh air but his stuffy nose and the constant push and pull of men leading him wouldn’t let him take anything in. When he was ordered to stop walking, he heard a metal door open and knew the sound was immediately the outer door that led to the apartment.

Once a man shoved Justin forward a few steps he growled under his breath, “You may take the blindfold off and gag out of your mouth thirty seconds after you hear the door shut. Not a second before, or I will come in here and shoot you. Nod if you understand?”

“Mmmhmm,” Justin said around the gag and nodded his head. He listened for the door to close and did his best to count the time correctly. He waited another five seconds to be sure enough time had elapsed before he reached up, pulled the tape off his lips, gag out of his mouth and tore the blindfold off him. He blinked a few times to clear the blur from his eyes and the door he’d loathed for years was before him. But now, now it was the only thing in between him and Brian and he didn’t loathe it at all.

Shivers ran up and down Justin’s spine as he had the sudden fear that Brian might not be there behind the door. He took two steps toward it, raised his hand to place it on the handle but got no further. A rush of air hit his face as the door was jerked open from the other side. Brian stood before him for a moment and then, he was at his feet, weeping and begging him to tell him that he was real, that he wasn’t a dream.

Justin took a step toward Brian and reached his hand down. Running it through the dark hair. “I’m here Brian.” His voice cracked and he started to cry, “I’m…I’m… real.”

Brian had felt so cold inside. But now he was starting to feel warm again. Justin’s touch shot through his body and he could actually feel the tears he cried now. “Oh god. Oh god, Justin.”

Justin felt Brian’s head burrow into his hollow feeling still round stomach. He leaned bent and buried his face in Brian’s hair. “Brian,” he whimpered out, “Brian.” Justin straightened himself up and coaxed Brian to look up at him. “I’m here,” he said as Brian’s eyes focused on his.

Brian swallowed the lump in his throat. “I’m sorry,” he said, still shuddering from the relief and shock of seeing Justin. He pulled the man inside the door and shut it behind them. “Are…are you okay?”

Justin was trying to be strong, but his body felt so weak. The little bit of walking he’d done had taken so much out of him after being confined to a bed for so long. He looked down and saw Duchess circling in between him and Brian’s legs. He slowly bent down and picked his kitten up, and wrapped his free arm around Brian’s waist. “I’m not, okay,” he whispered.

“What can I do?” Brian asked his lover. “Are you hurting, do you need me to …”

“I just need to lie down,” Justin interrupted.

Brian nodded and replied in a voice tight filled with emotion, “Sure, we’ll go lay down.” He’d do whatever Justin wanted, as long as he could hold him and know that he was safe and alive.

When they got to the bedroom, Justin noticed that the sheets on their bed were the same ones that were on the bed the last time he’d slept in it. He could tell they hadn’t been changed because they were wrinkled and bared marks of their lovemaking. He let Duchess down and the cat crawled into her spot at the end of the bed, purring contently at him. He gingerly crawled onto the bed and placed his head on his pillow and let out a deep sigh.

Brian crawled in under the blanket beside Justin; he positioned his right leg to fit in between Justin’s legs. Brian could feel Justin’s breath on his face and his eyes closed briefly to take the expelled air inside him. The loneliness he’d felt was banished completely when Justin’s lips touched his softly for a split-second, but it was enough for him.

“Brian,” Justin spoke his lover’s name.

Brian opened his eyes and faced Justin again; he held the younger’s man’s hands in his own. “What, Justin?”

“I… I want to tell you what I…” Justin couldn’t force the horrible words from his mouth.

Brian had so many questions to ask, but he could feel Justin shaking and didn’t want to see Justin going through so much pain to say what he knew Justin was trying to tell him. “I love you, Justin,” he said in encouragement and to also let Justin know that no matter what was or was not said, that he was still there for him.

Justin gripped Brian‘s fingers tighter and took strength from Brian. “I love you, too.” He swallowed hard and took a deep breath. “I don’t remember and I don’t even know how long I’ve been gone, but they… they told me that the baby’s gone,” he whimpered.

“You’ve been gone exactly a month and I wasn’t sure if… if that was what happened,” Brian choked out and pulled Justin closer to him if possible. “I tried to tell myself different, but then you showed up with… without…” Brian strained to continue speaking, “But you’re here and I couldn’t live without you.”

Justin’s cries interrupted Brian, allowing the emotions he’d been holding back to overflow. He tucked his head into Brian’s neck and breathed his lover in as he sobbed against his skin.

Brian’s tears fell silently down his cheeks and into Justin’s hair as he held onto the man he loved and vowed that he would make the kidnappers pay for what they’d done to his lover. The more he did, the tighter they held one another. And then, in the midst of all the pain, Brian could be heard humming his song to Justin, lulling him into a dreamless sleep, where he joined him minutes later.

 

***
 

Friday, October 3, 1997


“Brian,” Justin mumbled out his lover’s name, his mind trapped in a nightmare. “Brian…the baby! I killed our baby Brian!” His hands clenched his empty stomach and he rolled around the bed, his body crashing into Brian’s. “Don’t…don’t let me go!”

Brian awoke suddenly when Justin rolled into him and cried out, jarring him out of his sleep, startled at the sound of Justin’s cries. “Justin, wake up,” he encouraged, softly shaking Justin’s shoulder.

Justin’s eyes snapped open, he reached for Brian and begged, “Don’t let them take me.”

“You’re here with me, Justin. I’m not going to let them take you,” Brian promised, hoping that those words would remain true.

Justin gripped Brian’s shirt in his fists and pleaded, “Forgive me, Brian. Please forgive me. I’m so fucking sorry.”

“Justin, you have nothing to apologize for,” Brian said, tilting Justin’s face up to look at him. “Nothing at all.”

Justin shook his head at Brian, “You’re wrong. The doctor told me some things about what I did. I tried to ignore him but I know that they’re true because the nightmares I’m having… I don’t think that they’re only nightmares. I think that they’re memories too.”

“What did they tell you?” Brian asked, frightened that Justin would share the horrible images that would forever be a part of him. “What do you think you remember?”

“They…they told me that I got drunk and that it made me go into labor and I killed the baby!” Justin admitted and looked away from Brian.

“Justin,” Brian gasped. “You didn’t fucking kill him, that doctor probably wasn’t a real doctor at all and he doesn’t know what he’s talking about.”

Justin looked into Brian’s eyes, trying to read Brian and see if he was telling the truth. “But… but I remember drinking the wine even though you told me that I wasn’t old enough to drink it. But that one book said it would make me relax to drink some wine and then I started drinking it and… I... I don’t know what happened. I just remember that I liked the way it made me feel and I didn’t want you to think I was a child anymore.”

Brian shuddered. “Justin, I don’t think you’re a child, not then and not now. But, what you drank, that was alcohol, but it wasn’t wine. It was whiskey, which is much harder and much different to drink than wine.”

“It…it wasn’t wine?” Justin asked, feeling completely stupid for not knowing the difference.

“No, Justin. Whiskey is much stronger than wine and if you’re not used to it than it can make you do things that you wouldn’t normally do,” Brian explained.

“Whatever it was, it’s obvious that I’m fucking ignorant Brian. It doesn’t excuse anything, I drank and drank and didn’t stop with the one glass that fucking book recommended. I was so mad at you for no reason at all and because of my stupidity, I killed our child,” Justin said adamantly.

“You didn’t kill our child, Justin. If a child could die from a few drinks of whiskey, I would not be standing here, and there certainly would not be such a thing as Fetal Alcohol Syndrome if every pregnant person who drank suddenly went into labor.”

“I…I read about that, Brian. I know what it is. And I still drank didn’t I?” Justin felt tears in his eyes on the verge of spilling, he let go of Brian’s hands and wiped them away. “I’m an idiot.”

“Justin, I told you that my mother was a complete drunk. She didn’t ever give a shit about me and got wasted every day she was pregnant with me,” Brian reminded him. “She was over-due almost two weeks before the doctor finally told her that all the alcohol she was consuming was actually stopping the labor.” Brian let out a sarcastic laugh and continued, “My mother was angry when she realized she actually had to sober up to give birth to me. But she listened because she was told to drink a few glasses of whiskey when she went into early labor with my older sister. That’s probably when she started drinking. Anyway, things were different then and they didn’t realize the affects that alcohol could have on a child’s development. But I defied the odds and came out alright, but… don’t you understand? What happened to our son wasn’t your fault, we might’ve been able to stop it but they just wouldn’t come to help us.”

“Wait… Brian,” Justin gasped, “did you say son?”

Brian nodded and replied, “Yes, we had a son.”

“So… so you saw him? You saw what I did?”

“I saw him, Justin,” Brian admitted, tears spilling from his eyes as he closed them and remembered what his child looked like.

“What happened, Brian?” Justin touched Brian’s tear-stained cheek with his shaking fingers. “Please tell me what happened.”

“Justin, I told you; you did not kill our baby,” Brian said strongly. “It wasn’t your fault, you have to believe that.”

“Just tell me,” Justin said, not ready to believe that what he’d done hadn’t affected the death of their baby.

“I need to get something to drink first,” Brian said, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

Duchess chose that moment to leap between Brian and into Justin’s arms, nuzzling her face against Justin’s neck.

“Sure,” Justin replied, realizing Brian needed a moment before telling him more. “I think Duchess wants her breakfast.”

Brian got up and walked out of the room and into the kitchen. He grabbed a bottle of water and just stood there… staring at the unopened bottle.

Justin had followed Brian to the kitchen and could see how much this pained him; how his shoulder blades were shaking while he was reliving it all.

“I don’t really know what happened,” Brian finally spoke after a few minutes. “We had just made love and you had some cramps afterwards. I woke up from a nap to Duchess whining at me, I think she knew something was wrong with you. When I saw you I tried to help you but then you got angry with me and then everything happened so fast after that.”

“You don’t remember?” Justin asked softly.

“You felt some pain and then everything else is a blur to me." Brian wrapped Justin into his arms and stifled his sobs against Justin’s neck. “I asked for their help. I begged them to help us but no one came… not until it was too late.” Brian felt his knees weakening so he quickly pulled Justin with him over to the couch and sat down.

Justin recalled flashes of hearing Brian yelling for help but he didn’t remember much else. He cuddled close to Brian, nearly wrapping his entire body around the other man to show him that it hadn’t been too late. He was still there, alive and with him. Though Justin knew that if there had been a choice, he would’ve given his own life so their baby could live.

“They came and took both of you away and they didn’t tell me anything about you. I didn’t know if you were alive or dead.” Brian cupped his hands around Justin’s face and requested, “Tell me, Justin. Tell me what happened to you when you were with them.”

Justin knew this moment would come but he wasn’t ready to relive it. He’d been spared the details of the birth which Brian had not been. Yes, he wanted to know what had happened but it was different hearing it than seeing it. Everything he remembered that went on in the sterile room was terrible. But it was their parting words to him that made everything ever worse. “Before I tell you anything about what happened to me there, I need to tell you what they told me before they took me out of the room they kept me in,” he revealed.

Brian’s body went ice cold and he pressed Justin’s body so close to his he had to consciously fight the urge to squeeze him tighter when he saw the young man wince. “What Justin? You're scaring me. What is it that they told you?”

Justin swallowed and let out a long breath, fighting for the courage to speak the words that had been haunting him since he walked back into their apartment. Finally, within a deeply exhaled breath he spoke, “We have until the end of next week to start trying for another baby. And two months after that we have to have conceived. Otherwise they’ll take you from me. They said that I’m just fine inside and that it won’t be my fault if we don’t.”

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter Nine: Breaking

 

February 3, 1996

“For this special birthday wish, I wish I could go home to Mommy and Daddy,” Justin whispered desperately.

Duchess licked at the tears on her boy’s face and purred, trying to make him lift his head and smile.

Justin pushed Duchess away and stood up from where he knelt beside his bed. “Come on,” he spoke while sniffling. “I’ll make you breakfast.”

Duchess followed Justin closely and watched as he opened her can of food.

“I’m not making me a birthday cake this year,” Justin told the cat. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t have a treat.” He grabbed the milk out of the fridge, poured some into her bowl next to the food and placed it on the floor. “I don’t feel like eating, so you’re on your own.”

Duchess approached the food slowly, she was hungry, but she didn’t want to eat without Justin. She took a few bites but left it to go in search of her boy. She found him in the bedroom sitting at desk.

“Go eat,” Justin ordered as Duchess jumped onto his lap. “I can’t write with you sitting on me.”

Duchess used all of her cutest purrs and rubs but Justin didn’t relax. Suddenly, she was on the ground, looking up at Justin’s angry face.

“Go!” Justin yelled. “You can eat by yourself. You don’t need me!”

Duchess’ head hung as she scurried out of the bedroom. She didn’t go to her bowl of food; instead, she planted herself just outside the bedroom door where Justin couldn’t see her. She wanted to be sure she was there for him in case he needed her. The last couple of days Justin had done nothing but cry.

My 14th Birthday
Dear Mommy and Daddy, for this special birthday wish, I wish I could come home to you.

Justin tore the page out of the book and threw it in the trash can. “Stupid wishes never come true,” he growled.

My 14th Birthday
Dear Mommy and Daddy, my birthdays aren’t ever special anymore. No matter what I do to try and make it a special day, it isn’t. Duchess doesn’t know what a birthday is and she doesn’t care. No one cares what today is. It isn’t a special day. It’s the same day just like every single day here!

I don’t want to make a cake and I didn’t ask for any presents I could wrap. I’m not a baby anymore and I can’t pretend like you wrapped them when you didn’t. I can’t imagine that you’re here to watch me blow out my candles or open my presents. You’re not here. That’s all I think about. You’re not here and I am alone.

I am always sad no matter how hard I try not to be. Every time a holiday or your birthdays come I’ve celebrated them like I am home with you. I don’t think I can do it anymore.

The only happy thing I can say now is that I am getting stronger by working out but it just makes me want to run and breathe fresh air. I don’t even know what fresh air smells like anymore. But I don’t know how to get happy. I wish I knew how to be. I don’t want to cry all the time.

I love you, Justin

Justin placed his notebook on the shelf and let out a deep breath. Getting his feelings out made him feel a little bit better, now he at least felt hungry. He hadn’t eaten anything in two days because his stomach felt tight from stress. He moved slowly toward the door and nearly tripped over Duchess as he walked into the hall.

Duchess purred and hoped that her boy would hold her.

“Were you sitting here waiting for me?” Justin asked the cat as he picked her up and walked into the kitchen.

Duchess happily meowed against Justin’s chest and curled her tail around his wrist.

“I guess you don’t like to be lonely either,” Justin assessed, placing the kitten down by her food. “Well don’t worry, Duchess. I’m going to eat breakfast with you.” Justin grabbed a box of cheerios and soon made himself a bowl cereal. He sat down at the bar and looked down at Duchess who was now digging into her bowl of food. “Just like every other day,” he muttered.
 

XXXXX

A Captivating Coupling

Chapter Ten: Embrace Me

Embrace me,
My sweet embraceable you.
Embrace me,
You irreplaceable you.
In your arms I find love so delectable, dear,
I'm afraid it isn't quite respectable, dear.

Friday, October 3, 1997

“What?” Brian gasped. He couldn’t believe that there was a set time limit which was already so close. He knew that the people who kidnapped them were cruel; he’d learned that the day of Justin’s miscarriage. But Brian’s head spun as he realized the men had reached a higher level of cruelty.

“Did you hear me?” Justin asked when after a few minutes Brian said nothing at all.

“I heard you,” Brian replied and bowed his head. “But you’re not ready, you need time. I don’t give a shit if things are okay inside of you, they aren’t okay here.” Brian placed his hand over Justin’s heart.

“You aren’t ready either,” Justin whispered, placing his hand over Brian’s and moving them over his lover’s heart.

“You’re shaking,” Brian observed in a worried tone.

Justin hadn’t noticed that his entire body was vibrating with fear until Brian made him aware of it. “I…I need to get up,” he said, unwinding himself from Brian. Once he was standing he closed his eyes and took long deep breaths while he tried to think of something happy that would permit the shaking to stop.

“Justin, maybe you should sit back down?” Brian suggested, now standing behind Justin.

Justin’s eyes snapped open and he zeroed in on floor. “You got new carpet while I was gone?” Justin asked, not understanding why he hadn’t yet noticed it.

Brian brushed his hands up and down Justin’s back. “I…I…had to,” he choked out. “I couldn’t get the stains out myself.”

Brian’s words sounded so fucking haunted to Justin’s ears. “I’m sorry you had to do that,” he whispered.

Brian’s memory of scrubbing the tile floor under the bar and the carpet that lay stained beside it struck him. “Me too.” He didn’t care that Justin’s face was dirty, his lips were chapped and his breath wasn’t fresh. Brian loved the young man in his arms in such a fierce way that that the need to connect his mouth to Justin’s, to taste his him and feel that he was alive was stronger than anything else. As Justin’s tongue softly stroked his own, the kiss gave his body a sense of completion and relief.

“I could really use a shower and then a nice long bath,” Justin said softly as he pulled out of the kiss. “I don’t think I’ve had a real bath since….”

Brian brushed the tears from Justin’s face and pulled him with him toward the bathroom.
Once there, they undressed each other slowly. Justin shyly dropped his sweats to the ground and Brian was reminded of the first time Justin and he had taken a bath together. The fucking certifiably insane thing was that Brian actually thought that things were happier then.

Brian turned on the shower, stepped into the tub and held open the cloth curtain. “The water’s warm,” he beckoned.

Justin felt extremely self-conscious. He still carried most of the weight he’d gained during pregnancy everywhere on his body. The only place that he’d lost weight was his stomach which now just looked flabby. He was sure that he would completely turn Brian off and that this time Brian really would be forced to fuck him. He couldn’t imagine why someone as beautiful as Brian could ever find him attractive now.

Brian didn’t think he’d ever see Justin so withdrawn. He still didn’t know exactly what he went through and how he’d been treated but he knew that Justin’s self-esteem was extremely low. “Come get in, Justin,” he beckoned once again.

Justin looked up slowly and met the warm honey-brown eyes that seemed to be taking every part of him in. Brian didn’t have an expression that revealed disgust, it was completely the opposite. Justin relaxed a little and got into the tub with Brian. He walked under the spray and immediately he felt Brian’s arms wrap around his body. Brian ran his hands over every part of skin he could reach on his body. Brian caresses made Justin finally feel safe once again.

 

***
 

Justin’s Point of View

After taking our bath, shaving and brushing our teeth, Brian and I got dressed in sweats and started to make our way to the kitchen. But I couldn’t tear my eyes away from the door I’d pretended not to see each time I’d passed it since being back here.

My body wouldn’t move, my feet planted themselves in front of it, nearly making Brian smack into me from behind. I lifted my hand to the handle feeling so much dread barrel into my heart, tears immediately sprang into my eyes and I felt my body shaking as though there was an earthquake inside of me.

Brian’s hand covered mine and together we grasped the door handle. I could feel his deep breaths against my neck as the door started to creak open. I took one step inside and he reached beside me to switch on the light.

I didn’t realize I was holding my breath until I let out a long sigh when I looked up and saw all the beautiful sponged clouds that adorned the ceiling. Tears ran down my cheeks faster than I could wipe them away. “Brian,” I gasped out as I turned to him and hugged him tight. I could feel that he was shaking too as he hugged me back.

“I thought…I hoped that maybe they’d save him,” he choked out burying his face in my neck. “I thought that you might bring him back. I knew that it was probably impossible but I still hoped,” he whimpered and lifted his head to look me in the eyes.

I could feel his emotions so strongly beaming out of his eyes and into me. I hadn’t really had time to think about all the different things he must have thought. Realizing that he still hoped that our child was alive all this time sent a knife through my heart. I could hardly stand upright and we both used one another’s body for stability.

“I wasn’t even sure if you were alive and coming back,” he continued.

I didn’t know what to say to him because I’d never imagined the depth of his days here alone. “I love you, Brian,” I said, knowing it was the only thing that I could speak at that moment. I wasn’t alone in my pain. I could grieve for my baby boy. And give comfort to my lover, my partner, who had only just realized for sure what we had lost.

After we both marginally composed ourselves I walked further into the room and began to look around at all he’d done. Everything for the arrival of our child was in order. The dressers we’d ordered from the IKIA book were assembled and placed against the walls. The changing table had fresh green linens on it, on the shelves underneath the baskets were filled with all kinds of baby products. Hanging on the wall beside the changing table was the cloth red gingham diaper keeper filled with the tiniest diapers in the world.

In the middle of the room stood the crib Brian had put together, the linens inside were bright colors of gingham print fabric, the ones we’d picked out of the baby catalogue which had arrived only a few days before I gave birth. Hung on the wooden rail of the crib was a soft yellow and green newborn size jumper.

Brian noticed where my gaze had landed and walked over to the crib. “I guess I should put that in the closet,” he whispered, touching the clothing with one of his long fingers.

“No,” said, “don’t put it away.”

“I can’t just replace him!” he yelled, backing away from me and clutching the outfit to his chest.

I fucking knew that! But the reality is that it’s exactly what THEY want us to do. But I didn’t tell him that. “I don’t want to. We won’t, Brian,” I assured him. “We’ll give him a name and he will always be our son.”

Brian shook his head at me as he walked over to the mural, touched it and collapsed in the glider beside it. His hands held the clothing so tightly his knuckles were white and he wouldn’t look me, he just kept taking deep breaths.

I didn’t know what do. I wanted to scream and shout the way I had when they told me that the baby had died. But I couldn’t, I had to let Brian have his time and I had to be the strong one.

“I delivered him, Justin. I held him. He was so beautiful. He had tiny wisps of blond hair on his head. I didn’t think he’d even have hair when he was born.”

I walked over to him then and sat on the floor beside him, placing my head in his lap and wrapping my arms around his waist.

“It wasn’t anything you did because the cord it was wrapped around his neck, Justin. I tried to undo it, but it didn’t help. It was me. It was my fault. I didn’t read and watch everything about child birth like you asked me to.”

I knew that I should say something tell him it wasn’t true. But before I could speak he started talking again.

“I helped you hold him.” He looked at me in the eyes then, as if to plead with me to believe him. “He looked so perfect in your arms and even if you don’t remember it, I think you knew he was there, that you were holding your baby.”

It felt like his words, his pain was putting me in a trance because I couldn’t even cry. I was so overwhelmed with his emotions and my own that I was paralyzed by them.

“He knew his daddy had him. I told him that you were his daddy, Justin.” He places his hand on my head and sobs, “I told him that I was his daddy too.”

I don’t think my heart could have shattered into more pieces than I already thought it had but it did. My mouth was dry and I desperately wanted to say something. But only my own cries were aloud to pour out of my mouth.

“I named him Beacan. But that wasn’t until after you were both taken from me.” Brian pushed me away from him and in a rush of motion he sprung down onto the floor in front of me.

I pressed my body against his and sobbed, “I loved that name.”

“I told him that we loved him,” Brian cried clinging to me. “I told him we’d miss him. I knew…. I knew...I knew…” He repeated those last lines over and over as we cried together, our child’s unworn clothing between our bodies embrace.

Hours later Brian and I composed ourselves and laid on the couch together, holding one another but remaining completely silent. When my stomach began to growl I decided to make us sandwiches and hoped we were ready to talk. The conversation I knew we needed to have weighed heavily on me and though I knew it would break our hearts to even discuss it, but we needed to.

 

***
 

Duchess has been really distant from both me most of the morning but once she hears me opening her lunch she comes running out from under the couch.

“There you are,” Brian observes as he stands up from the couch and follows her into kitchen.

Duchess’ tail flicks back and forth as she sits on the floor waiting anxiously for me to put her can of food in her bowl.

“She seems really nervous,” I comment worriedly as I place her food down in front of her. “Do you think she’s getting sick?”

Brian leans down and pets her while shaking his head. “She’s probably just as emotional as we are. I think she missed you almost as much as I did.”

“I missed you guys too,” I say, wrapping my arms around Brian’s waist. “I never want to be without you again, Brian.”

“I promise you that will never happen,” he says firmly, kissing my forehead.

I feel myself choking up once again and have to step away from him before I start crying again. “You want turkey, right?”

“Yeah, do you want my help?”

“No,” I reply. “Why don’t you just pour us some drinks while I make the sandwiches, okay?”

“Sure,” he says hesitantly before kissing my cheek and walking over to the fridge.

I catch Brian staring at me the whole time I make the food and it’s making my skin itch because I can’t stop thinking about what we’re going to have to do. No matter what he says I know that what happened with Beacan was my fault.

I bring our plates to table and sit down beside Brian. I clear my throat and ask, “Are you ready to talk, Brian?” I ask.

“To be honest I really don’t want to have this conversation, but it isn’t like we can avoid it,” he admits sitting beside me at the table.

“Then let’s eat and we’ll go in the bedroom to talk about it, okay?” I know I’m stalling but I also don’t want to get so upset that I can’t eat, I’m already feeling light headed because I’m not used to all the stimulation and moving around that I’ve been doing.

 

***
 

“We have to be ready to conceive in four days,” I state quickly. “But I really don’t think my body is ready for sex,” I admit my fear.

“I know you’re not.” Brian says, squaring his shoulders. “That’s why I’m going to write them and see if they’ll let it be me this time.”

Brian had told me when he explained about sex that he wasn’t able to carry a child and that I couldn’t get him pregnant. “What are you talking about?”

“I have to tell you something that I’ve been hiding from for a long time,” he says gravely.

“You’re scaring me, Brian.”

“Don’t be scared. It’s not…it’s not that bad. I didn’t exactly tell you the truth. Justin, I had a miscarriage when I was younger.”

“What?” A million thoughts race through my mind as I try to imagine how that happened and a logical explanation for why he kept that from me.

“I was only two and a half months along. I wasn’t planning on keeping it, but before I could get it aborted, my body took care of it.”

I’m torn between being angry with him and feeling so sad for him. “Brian,” I gasp, feeling speechless as I see the regret and pain in his eyes.

“My doctor gives me this,” he says and lifts the arm of his t-shirt, grabbing at the skin underneath his upper arm. “There’s a little tube in here. It releases birth control. I get a new one every five years. But, it’s real easy to take it out.” He takes my hand and places it on his arm. “Feel it?”

I pressed my fingers into his skin and can feel the cylinder there. I had never noticed it before, and probably never would have. “You can’t just have that taken out, it’s inside you!”

“It’ll be just a small cut and it could pop right out. I could do it myself and have you stitch it up.” He raises his eyebrows and prompts, “Say something, Justin.”

I take my hand away and shake my head at the scenario. “You lied to me. You said you never thought about being a father.”

“The baby I was pregnant with was mistake. A mistake that I didn’t even think about until…” he trails off because we both know what he can’t say. “I wasn’t ever going to be that baby’s father, Justin.”

I can’t believe that he is grieving with me about the child we lost but talks about his miscarriage as if it didn’t mean anything at all! “I don’t understand you, Brian. You lied to me and when we talked about your past and all the things you did with other sexual partners you never said a word about being pregnant before. You said that you’d never been in a relationship before. You named Beacan but did you name your child?”

“My pregnancy had nothing to do with me being in a relationship, Justin. People get pregnant all the time and it isn’t because of love. I’m really sorry I didn’t tell you. The way I got pregnant isn’t something I wanted to remember. I didn’t even know the baby’s other father. It happened so long ago and it was so painful that I had to forget about it. What happened with Beacan has absolutely nothing to do with that.”

“Do you remember the date that your baby was born?” I ask him.

“Of course I do,” he whispers reluctantly.

“Then you didn’t forget; you couldn’t face what happened.”

His eyes tear up and he nods while taking my hands in his own. “No, I couldn’t face it. It was horrible and I thought I’d never want to be pregnant again. But I will be if it will save you any pain at all.”

Brian was telling me that he would give up his body to save mine from a little pain. For me to experience sex so soon after being so torn inside would be extremely painful. A few days wouldn’t change that. Even though he lied to me, I have to forgive him. I love him so much and there isn’t room for anger with all the other emotions I feel. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

“No, I’m not sure but I have to. I don’t want to be the one to cause you any pain. We’ll have to ask Peter and see what he says.”

Something tells me that Peter isn’t going to accept the change in his plans.

 

***
 

Friday, October 10, 1997
Brian’s P.O.V.

Fucking assholes and fucking time limits. We were informed that it must be Justin that carries the baby two days ago. We’ve used up every moment we can to hold off their sick demand. Today is the last day. I don’t know how I’m going to do this tonight. There is no way that Justin or I are mentally ready to have sex with the intention of creating a child. We weren’t ready the first time but now it’s completely unfathomable to accept what we most do.

For the first time in a week, Justin went last night without waking from a nightmare but that was only because he was exhausted. Every night since he’s been home if he hasn’t woke me screaming, I wake to find him in the living room sitting on the couch with Duchess. Sometimes he’s writing in his journal, which I think is a good sign because he’s getting his feelings out, but he isn’t talking to me and that terrifies me.

I hate to think it but what will happen if his body is incapable of becoming pregnant ever again? Will they choose me to carry our baby then? Or will they tear our lives apart more than they already have. I imagine that they’ll take me out of the equation first. Then they’ll kidnap someone else and see if they can get him pregnant. The thought of anyone touching him makes me want to die.

Right now Justin is sitting on couch watching Sleeping Beauty, lost in the Wonderful World of Walt Disney. He’s got a pair of baby blue pajama pants on and no shirt. For once I’m not laughing at his childish attire. His hand rests on his empty belly though I’m sure he doesn’t do it consciously. I hear him laugh at the cartoon and his blue eyes sparkle and Duchess purrs against his neck. I’m fucking blessed that for a few minutes of today he isn’t thinking about the pain we’re going to go through.

When we have talked it’s been to prepare us both for tonight. I’ve talked in detail about how I’m going to prepare him for sex, the position we’re going to do it in and how I will force myself to go as slowly as possible. He’s not healed and this is going to be extremely painful for him no matter how gentle I am.

“Brian?” I come out of my thoughts and see that the credits are rolling on the screen. He shuts the TV off, places Duchess on the floor and walks toward me. “Did you want to try now?”

I nod my head and try not to show how reluctant I am to do this. I don’t want him to think it has anything to do with me not wanting him. I stand up, slide my hand into his and lead him toward our bedroom.

 

***
 

3rd Person P.O.V.

At first everything seemed to go the way that Brian and Justin had planned it. Justin was able to relax when Brian first pushed his lubed pointer finger inside him and even lifted his hips to feel more of it inside of him. But when Brian added his slicked middle finger, Justin tensed and cried out in pain.

Brian held his fingers still and softly asked, “Are you okay, do you want me to stop?”

“Do you want to be taken from me?” Justin growled out. He moved Brian’s left hand to touch his soft cock. “Don’t stop,” he warned. “Don’t.”

“I’m sorry, Justin,” Brian said in a teary voice, stroking Justin’s dick but not getting any reaction.

“Brian,” Justin sighed his lover’s name. “You have nothing to apologize for. It’s not your fault that we have to do this! But we have to. Don’t worry about me, Brian. You just have to do it no matter what.”

Brian painstakingly started to move his fingers again, his eyes not leaving Justin’s. “I love you,” he said, feeling Justin grasp his cock and begin to pump it.

“And I love you. That’s why we’re doing this. We have to stay together and we don’t have that much time.”

Brian nodded and started to scissor his fingers. He went back to kissing Justin and lost himself in his pleasure until he felt wetness on his face. He looked and saw that Justin’s eyes were squeezed tight and tears rolled down his cheeks. “Oh God, Justin,” Brian gasped, gently pulling his fingers from Justin’s hole.

Justin continued to pump Brian’s cock between their bodies and breathing heavily from the throbbing pain of his insides.

“I can’t do this,” Brian whimpered against Justin’s lips.

Justin knew that he was going to have force Brian to fuck him. He opened his eyes pushed Brian to sit between his legs and spread them. “Put my legs on your shoulders,” he directed.

Brian felt his own tears start to burn at the back of his eyes. “Justin, I don’t want to do this. I don’t know if I can,” he said as he lifted Justin’s legs to his shoulders.

“You have to, Brian!” Justin encouraged. He reached beside him to grab the lube, squirted a massive amount onto his hand, and slicked it onto Brian’s cock before putting the rest into himself with one painful thrust of his fingers.

Brian held back his cry of shock and the pain he felt for Justin. He couldn’t believe how brave his lover was being, through the pain and was sure that if it were him he wouldn’t have been able to do the same. “I’ll take it easy,” he whispered, lining his semi-hard cock up to Justin’s hole.

Justin bore down as Brian tried to push in. “Come on,” he encouraged when Brian’s dick slipped out of him.

“I’m trying,” Brian spoke desperately while failing to enter Justin again.

Justin yelled out from the burn. “Brian, come on!” he pleaded.

“I can’t do it, Justin,” Brian cried, tears now escaping down his cheeks.

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck and brought their faces close together. He felt the stretch of his muscles in his legs which almost over powered the burn in his ass as Brian tried to enter him again. “Do it,” he grunted out. “Fuck me, Brian,” he groaned before crashing his lips against Brian’s and kissing him fiercely.

Brian tried to resist the pleasure he felt because he knew it was so wrong to feel it when Justin was in such pain but he couldn’t stop the need he felt to be inside Justin. His mouth opened and let Justin’s smooth tongue inside. “Justin….” Brian tore his mouth away from Justin’s and brought his attention to Justin’s hole and tried again.

“Brian!” Justin screamed out as the man pulled out again. “Come on, please… Fuck me.” He tried to make Brian believe that he wasn’t in so much pain. But tears defied him and slid out of his eyes.

Brian looked at Justin in fear. “I can’t; it won’t go in, you’re not open enough. And I’m too soft!”

“Then spread me open with your fingers and push in, Brian!” Justin demanded as he clutched Brian’s back.

“Oh god…” Brian looked down at Justin’s swollen hole. “You’re too tight. You’re too tight,” he spoke, trying to get his fingers inside Justin again.

“Then loosen me up,” Justin ordered.

“I can’t, Justin!” Brian cried. “I can’t do this to you.”

“I’ll do it,” Justin panted. He reached down and stuck two fingers inside his hole and spread his resistant walls open. “Look at me, Brian,” he said sternly. “Don’t look away from my eyes and pump your cock.”

Brian looked into Justin’s eyes. “Okay…okay.” He stroked his slippery cock in his hand.

“My hole is ready for you. It’s so warm. I’m so tight, Brian. I want your big cock inside it.” Justin leaned up and kissed Brian hungrily feeling the blunt head of Brian’s dick fit between the fingers inside his spread ass. “Brian.” He tore his mouth away from his lovers. “I want you to fuck me. And when you shove it inside me, I don’t want you to stop. No matter what happens with me.”

Brian took a breath and nodded at Justin. “I love you,” he called out as he thrust inside Justin’s extremely tight warm depths in one go. His body though automatically stilled when he heard Justin scream in agony, tearing his heart to threads.

Justin could not believe how much pain he was in as he removed his fingers. He knew that he had to have Brian continue. He panted deep breaths and grabbed Brian’s face staring into his eyes. “Don’t you fucking stop! Fuck me, Brian,” he demanded, scraping his nails down Brian’s back.

“Justin!” Brian cried out, his erection wavering once again. “I can’t!”

“Don’t you dare get soft, Brian!” Justin screamed at Brian. “Don’t do this to us. You finish this, Brian. You have to if you want me with you.”

“I can’t, Justin. I can’t stay hard. Not when I know what I’m doing to you!”

“Don’t think about me right wow! Remember that time you fucked me so fucking hard I nearly passed out?”

Brian groaned. “Please, Justin. It wasn’t supposed to be like this!”

Justin ignored him. “You were so hard inside my warm, tight little ass, Brian. You were so hard and it hurt but it felt so good when you fucked me. It was dirty and hot and I loved feeling you hurt my little hole as you fucked it. I loved it and I know that you’ll make me love having your big cock filling my tiny hole.”

Brian growled again, squeezing his eyes trying to focus on that memory.

Justin grabbed Brian’s hair and put his mouth against Brian’s ear. “Do it. Fuck your boy’s tight little hole. Open me up for your big hard cock. Make me scream for it, Brian.”

Brian pulled out and then pushed back inside Justin quickly, feeling the pleasure from the memories of that specific fuck.

Justin forced his mouth to only scream encouragement, “Fuck yes, that’s it. Fuck me.” No matter how painful it was to endure Brian’s pumping he over came it and continued to encourage Brian to fuck him.

“Justin,” Brian whimpered his lover’s name as his movements slowed.

Justin’s ass was slowly becoming numb to the pain and he began to feel tingles of pleasure. “Fuck me harder, faster,” he voiced. “Show me how much you love being inside my hot little hole. Fuck your dick into me real deep, Brian.”

Brian lost it then. He closed his eyes and just started to hammer away inside of Justin’s clenching hole. He opened his eyes and looked down to see that Justin was pumping his cock and it was nearly erect. Even through the pain, he’d been able to give his lover pleasure and that made Brian even more determined to make love to Justin better than he ever had before.

For a long time they rutted against one another, both reaching for the place that was just out of reach, a place they’d both been so frightened of going.

“Come inside me, Brian,” Justin said, feeling his body quaking and coming close to orgasm. “Make a baby inside me,” he moaned into Brian’s mouth before fusing his mouth to Brian’s once again.

That’s when Brian’s body started to climax. And he came hard, deep inside Justin’s ass, feeling Justin shake under him and his hole contract around his dick. After a few minutes Brian slipped out of Justin and turned to his side, bringing Justin’s body with him.

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes and spoke quietly, “I love you.”

“You…you came,” Brian said with wonder. Though that had intended to be his goal Brian was unsure if he’d be able to accomplish it. The only reason he allowed himself to orgasm before Justin was because he knew that he couldn’t risk holding back and possibly not being able to come.

“Yes!” Justin said with a small smile, his hand running through the sticky substance on his belly and chest.

“I…I didn’t think.” Brian couldn’t believe it! “But I hurt you.”

Justin kissed Brian’s chin. “It did hurt, Brian. But that didn’t matter. Because….it was you inside me.”

“Are you sore?” Brian asked, curling his fingers through Justin’s hair.

“Unbelievably. But…I feel okay,” Justin said. “It was nice to have you inside me again. Even if I wasn’t completely ready, I needed it. I needed you to be a part of me once again.”

“Me too,” Brian admitted. “Do you think we did it?” he asked after a moment of silence.

“I don’t want to jinx anything, but I think we did. I think we made another baby.”

 

***
 

Friday, October 31, 1997

“What are these for?” Brian asked, pulling out what looked like doll clothes from the Halloween box as he walked into the living room.

Justin hopped off the sofa. “Where did you find that box? I forgot about them.”

Brian handed the box and items to Justin. “The box was under some of your notebooks on your shelf.”

“These are for Duchess,” Justin said, holding up the witch costume and bat costume. “Which one should we put on her?”

Duchess suddenly leapt from the couch, dashed around their ankles and ran into the bedroom and under the bed.

“I don’t think she wants you to put either on her,” Brian guessed.

“Oh, come on,” Justin said, walking down the hall toward the bedroom. “Help me catch her.”

Brian caught Justin’s arm. “Let’s leave her be.”

“But…” Justin suddenly realized how childish his game probably seemed to Brian and thought better of it. “Never mind,” he spoke softly, placing the items back in the box.

“I’m only wearing a mask and a cape,” Brian said quickly, noticing that Justin was about to cry.

Justin gave Brian a confused expression. “What?”

“I’ll only wear a mask and a cape, no make up, it always makes my skin itchy.”

Justin’s face brightened in an instant. “Really?”

Brian nodded, remembering what he’d read about Justin’s first Halloween in one of his journals. “Sure. You got enough candy for me too, right?”

“I didn’t think you would want to. You really do?” he asked excitedly.

“Of course,” Brian nodded. He did a lot of things with Justin that he never got to experience as a child and didn’t mind them as much as he once would have. The games Justin and he played kept the boredom and mundane feelings to a minimum. “But you have to promise not to ever tell anyone.”

“I promise!” Justin exclaimed before sealing his promise with a kiss.
 

***

Thursday, November 27, 1997

Justin salivated over the Thanksgiving turkey he saw inside the oven. “It’s done perfectly,” he praised himself donning oven mitts.

“Let me lift that for you,” Brian said, shooting up from the chair in the living room and unceremoniously dropping Duchess onto the floor.

Duchess had a right mind to swipe at Brian’s bare ankles with her claws as he hopped over her and ran into the kitchen. She knew that her boy was cooking things that smelled delicious and she wouldn’t get to taste any of it if she made his Brian mad. Swishing her tail in the air a few times relaxed her and she jumped up onto a bar stool to see just what her boy had spent the day in the kitchen making.

“It’s only a twenty-pound turkey, Brian,” Justin laughed as he handed over the Mickey Mouse oven mitts. “I really could’ve lifted it.”

Brian rolled his eyes and lifted the turkey out of the oven. “This thing weighed twenty-pounds before you stuffed it, decorated it and cooked it. I swear it’s heavier than it was when I put it in. You still haven’t gained back all your strength so just let me help.”

Justin laughed and handed Brian the turkey baster. “Squirt the juice over the top to keep it moist. I’ve got to get in the shower because I feel like I’m a grease ball.”

Brian caught Justin’s arm before he could slip past and brought him into his arms. “What do you want to drink?” he murmured against Justin’s neck.

Justin’s knees weakened and he held onto Brian’s hips tight. “Just…. Just give me…” Realizing there was no way he was going to be able to answer Brian with the man’s licking the sweat around his neck, Justin pushed away from Brian and grinned at him. “You’re insatiable,” he giggled.

Brian shrugged. “I always said that if I was ever stranded on a desert island all I would do is fuck.”

Justin was often surprised how Brian could joke about their situation, but he’d learned that it was the man’s way of dealing with it. “Well, this thankfully isn’t a deserted island. Can you imagine not being able to eat what we wanted to?”

Brian chuckled. “You sure sound hungry,” he observed.

Justin nodded. “It’s Thanksgiving, everyone is hungry today,” he replied walking out of the kitchen. He stopped before he entered the bathroom, his mouth watering at the sudden need that arose from within him. “Could you make me some really chocolatey milk?”

“Sure,” Brian answered, smirking.

“Ooooh wait. Make me a huge glass of hot chocolate with some of the big marshmallows in it to.”

“You want that with Turkey, stuffing and vegetables?” Brian asked to be sure. He definitely wouldn’t be drinking the same thing with his meal.

Justin nodded enthusiastically before disappearing behind the bathroom door.

“If that isn’t a craving, I don’t know what is,” Brian spoke to Duchess, trying to keep the hope from reaching his heart too much.

Duchess seemed to nod at Brian and risked jumping on the counter beside the bowl of mashed potatoes. They smelled good, but she didn’t think she’d like them. Of course, she hadn’t tasted them yet, so maybe if she took just a tiny little….

“Don’t even think about it!” Brian roared, waving the cat away. “Justin will kill you if you touch it.”

Duchess threw her tail stiffly into the air and glared at Brian. She knew that Brian really meant that Justin would kill him if he wasn’t paying attention while she tasted it. Annoyed with Brian’s staring and waving hand she hopped off the counter and walked proudly toward her bowl. She slowly lay down beside the bowl, playfully bat at it with her paws while giving Brian a pitiful expression and purring low.

Brian watched as Duchess feigned casualness as she strutted toward her empty bowl and purred as she circled it. “Oh sure,” Brian snickered. “You’re a little kitten when you want something from me.” He picked up the empty bowl and brought it over to the table Justin set up beautifully. “You can eat by Justin’s chair,” he told the Duchess who had followed him over.

Duchess gave Brian a pleased look and rubbed her face against his hand for the first time since Justin came home.

“Come here,” Brian said, picking up the cat. He pet her back and rubbed his face against hers while walking over to the sofa. “I’m glad you like me again. You were all I had for awhile. I normally don’t like animals but you’re a good kitten,” he whispered.

Duchess purred and once Brian sat down she hopped up on his chest and placed her face in the crease between his neck and shoulder. She liked Brian much more when he remembered that like Justin. Brian was her boy too.

 

***
 

About a half-hour later, Justin came out of the bathroom, bundled in a large blue terry-cloth robe and looking completely refreshed. “Did you baste the turkey?” he called, walking into the bedroom to get dressed.

Brian had got so caught up with relaxing with Duchess that he’d completely forgotten. “Doing it now,” he called, gently placing Duchess on the sofa cushion as she stood.

Duchess stretched before contently curling up in the warm spot on the sofa Brian had left. She was a lazy cat and simply content to nap until the delicious food was placed in her bowl.

Brian prepared the turkey before placing it and the side-dishes on the table. He was in the middle of pouring milk into their glasses when Justin came rushing into the living room.

“I’m so fucking hungry!” Justin declared, racing over to Brian and kissing him whole-heartedly.

Brian broke away laughing and asked, “Did you just curse?”

“What?” Justin asked, too focused on the food on the table to recall what he’d just said.

“That’s the first time you’ve ever said ‘fucking’ when we weren’t actually fucking,” Brian commented. “I’m a bad influence on you.”

Justin considered this. “My mommy wouldn’t be very happy with me, would she?” he asked Brian.

“I wasn’t trying to correct you, Justin. You’re a man and you can curse whenever you want to,” Brian said gently, ignoring the word he used for his mother. “I was surprised, that’s all.”

Justin nodded and pushed the thoughts of his mom’s disappointment away from his mind. “So do you want to carve or should I?”

“You baked it,” Brian said, handing Justin the battery-powered carver. “You do the honors.”

Once the turkey was carved, Justin and Brian filled their plates and Brian gave Duchess a large piece of turkey and a bowl of milk. Justin stopped Brian’s hand before the man could take a bite of his food. “Wait,” Justin spoke, giving his lover a smile. “When I was little, Mommy, Daddy and me would say what we were thankful for before we ate.”

After all the pain that Brian knew Justin had gone through he was surprised that Justin could feel thankful for anything at all. But as bad of a life as Justin had lived while kidnapped, it hadn’t made him bitter. That was something Brian admired about Justin, he had an inner strength that pulled them both from despair. Honestly, it wasn’t hard for him to find something to be thankful for. “Okay,” Brian said encouragingly. “Can I go first?”

Justin nodded. “Of course.”

Brian placed his hand on top of Justin’s and held his gaze. “I’m thankful to have you alive and safe. You’re the strongest person I’ve ever met, Justin. I hate that we have to live here; I hate what these people have done to us. But I’m thankful that it’s you that I’m here with.”

Justin kissed Brian’s shoulder and squeezed his hand. “I feel the same way about you, Brian. I’m so thankful that it was you and not anyone else.” He moved he and Brian’s hand to rest over his stomach. “And, I’m thankful that we’re going to have another chance to be…” Justin had to take a deep breath to halt the surge of emotions that threatened to express themselves in tears. “We’re going to be parents. I’m thankful for this new life you placed inside of me,” he whispered.

Brian’s jaw dropped open and it took him a few moments before he could move or speak. He pulled Justin toward him, practically tipping them both out of their chairs with his exuberance. “I’m thankful too,” Brian whispered and pulled away to look at Justin. “When did you find this out? You know, I actually suspected this but I didn’t want to get too excited,” he rambled. “Why didn’t you tell me you tho…”

Justin placed his finger against Brian’s lips and grinned shyly at him. “I wanted to be sure and I wanted to make sure that my body wasn’t just giving a false-positive. I’ve heard that can happen if you haven’t gone through an HOC since your last pregnancy. And we agreed not to worry about it until they wanted me to take a test.”

“When did they send you one?” Brian asked, confused. “I don’t remember seeing any.”

“They didn’t,” Justin replied. “I had like a dozen of them I hadn’t used in the cabinet under the sink in the bathroom. I took one of the tests a couple of weeks ago and it was a really faint line, so I didn’t want to say anything about it yet. Then today before I took a shower, I took two more and they were really bright positives. I was pretty sure that with all the cravings I’d been having that I was pregnant. I mean, who thinks chocolate milk and turkey is going to be good?”

“You do, though I forgot I was going to make you that,” Brian said, pointing to the white milk in Justin’s glass.

Justin shrugged. “It’s okay, cause right now I can’t imagine drinking that.”

Brian peppered kisses all over Justin’s face while he whispered, “I love you.”

 

***
 

Friday, December 19, 1997

Justin attempted to relax as he looked down at Brian who knelt between his legs. “Fuck, that hurts.”

Brian stopped pressing on Justin’s pelvis and looked up his lover. “We don’t have to do this. We can wait until you’re further along and we can just use measuring tape,” he suggested, hating to see Justin in any amount of pain.

“No,” Justin protested, using his elbows to prop him up a little bit. “This is the most accurate way to tell how far along I am, Brian. I don’t want to wonder the whole time. I want to know when the baby’s fingernails are developing, when I should be feeling greater movement, and when the baby can hear you. I want to be as certain about all of that as we can be.”

“All right,” Brian agreed, rubbing Justin’s knee. “Lie back down,” he ordered gently. “Try to relax.”

Once Justin’s head was back on his pillow he encouraged Brian to continue, “I’m ready, Dr. Kinney.”

Brian snorted as he looked at the book that was open to the page that had instructions and illustrations to guide him. He took a deep breath and began again, pressing up inside of Justin with the fingers of his left hand and pressing down upon Justin’s pelvis with his right hand.

“What do you think?” Justin asked. He bit his lip and fought with the urge to release anything left in his bladder, even though he’d gone to the bathroom minutes before they began.

Brian’s right hand curved and he could clearly discern the shape and size of Justin’s womb with his palm. He couldn’t believe he was actually, in a way, holding their baby. That thought caused him to smile and he realized that what he was doing wasn’t as gross as he imagined that it would be. He took his hand off Justin’s stomach for a moment, stopped the press of his fingers inside and picked up the orange laying beside them.

“So?” Justin prodded, releasing a deep breath.

Brian considered the orange for a moment. “Too small,” he said before dropping it and picking up the grapefruit. The shape felt right to him but he once again pressed down and felt Justin’s womb again to be sure. “It’s definitely the size of grape fruit. Feel it.” He took Justin’s left hand and showed him how to curl his hand to feel what he’d felt.

Justin smiled through the discomfort at Brian before grabbing the fruit. “You’re right. It’s definitely a grapefruit.”

Brian cleaned Justin with a warm wash cloth and disposed of the latex glove he’d worn before sitting back down on the bed beside Justin. “So, what does the book say about that?” he queried.

Justin was now sitting Indian style, anxiously reading the passage on the next page of the book. “It says that I should be between eleven and twelve weeks along, but that if I am carrying higher than my pelvic bone I’m most likely a full twelve weeks.”

Brian counted back in his head. “Then that would mean we conceived on our first try.”

Justin wrapped his arm around Brian and opened the newest baby book which showed amazing photographs of a baby, week-by-week, within the womb. “This is what the baby looks like,” he said, turning to the pages that showed week twelve.

“That’s amazing,” Brian admitted. “Though it looks like it’s an alien.”

Justin laughed. “It does,” he giggled, touching his belly. “I have an alien inside of me.”

“So, what does it say the baby can do?”

Justin flipped backward to the informational page and read; “At twelve weeks the first trimester is completed!” he spoke with excitement. “It says that the baby can leap and kick, even if I don’t feel him. If it’s a boy his testosterone is forming, it is developing soft fingernails, toenails and its intestines. It weighs about a half of an ounce and is about five or six centimeters.”

“I can’t believe it’s so small,” Brian said, confused. “I guess I thought it was just a little smaller than the grapefruit.”

“Didn’t you read any of the other books?” Justin asked, closing the book he held.

“I did,” Brian assured. “I still didn’t understand that, even when I was pregnant, I didn’t understand it.”

Justin kissed Brian’s jaw lightly. “It doesn’t matter how much I read about it, really. It still is confusing. Anyway, I’m just happy that I know for sure. Now we can figure out the due date and now I can make that calendar I wanted to make in my journal.” Justin held Brian’s hand as he spoke his next sentence, “It’ll be a lot more accurate than the one I made for Beacan.”

Brian tried not to think about the words Justin wrote for their son on nearly a daily basis. The words they both wrote which they intended their baby would one day read when they were all free. The more he tried to suppress the memories of all their hopes the harder it was for him to do so.

Justin turned in Brian’s arms and straddled the man’s lap. “I’m sorry; I didn’t say that to make you sad.”

“I know,” Brian said quietly, threading his fingers in Justin’s hair. “I miss him, even if we didn’t get to know him more than how we know the baby inside of you now, I miss him so much.”

“Me too,” Justin wept and placed his face against Brian’s neck. “I know this baby is different, I know that. But I can’t help but think that if Beacan had lived, there’d be no way that I could be pregnant with this baby now. It doesn’t seem right that I should be happy, that I should want to do some of the same things I did while I was pregnant with him.” He placed his mouth against Brian’s ear and said in an eerily quiet whisper, “I’m so scared about what they’re going to do with our baby once it’s born.”

“They’re not going to do anything,” Brian promised fiercely, bringing Justin’s face to look up at him. “They won’t,” he assured.

“You don’t know that for sure,” Justin whispered; placing his head against Brian’s so he could talk into his ear once again. “Sometimes I think they’re just going to keep demanding that we have babies for them and that they’re going to take them… to… to sell them. If they do that, then I want to have my memories of when I did have them with us. I think that’s what they’re doing. They wanted good genes, Brian. I think they wanted me as young as I could be and have children for them to give away to other people.”

“Don’t think like that,” Brian demanded, tears falling from his eyes in reaction from Justin’s scary scenario that seemed horrifyingly possible. “How do you even know about stuff like that?” he asked his voice low beside Justin’s ear. “How?”

“I saw it on the news when I was little,” Justin confessed softly. “Some people sold babies in adoptions from a girl they had live with them. My Daddy turned the television off when he noticed I was in the room. When I first came here, I thought that maybe they were going to give me away to another family. I don’t know when I stopped thinking that. It must’ve been when they explained to me about the rules. But I remembered the television program last week when I woke up from one of my nightmares. That got me thinking about everything. I mean… why else would they do this to us?”

“Justin, they’ve got to have all the money they need,” Brian protested, keeping his voice a whisper as he spoke in Justin’s ear. “If they can support you all this time and now me too… they have to money.”

“Maybe, there are other people they do this to,” Justin spoke. “Maybe they have already regained their money and that’s how they do it,” he suggested, moving so he could look into Brian’s eyes to gauge his reaction.

Brian shook his head and spoke in a low warning tone, “No. We’re not going to think like this, Justin. We will wait it out until we can’t anymore, until I can figure out something. Whatever goes on between now and the time this baby is born is out of our control as much as what may go on after until they let us go. We can not be scared of that; you can’t be scared of that all the time. Stress is not good for the baby.”

“So we have to pretend?” Justin asked. “We have to pretend like this is just our life?”

“If that’s what will keep you and our baby healthy, that’s exactly what we have to do,” Brian said eagerly. “Promise me that you won’t think those horrible thoughts again.”

“I promise,” Justin swore.

Brian kissed away Justin’s tears from his cheeks and gave him a watery smile. “How about we go figure out the due date and afterward we can write our first journal entries to our baby, okay?”

Justin nodded. “Everything will be okay,” he said to assure himself, wrapping his arms around Brian. “As long as I have you to protect me.”

Brian pressed Justin against him and prayed that Justin’s earlier words would not ring true but that the ones he’d just spoken would.

 

***
 

Thursday, December 25, 1997

“This is the best Christmas I’ve ever had,” Brian announced. He pulled Justin to lie back on the mountain of wrapping paper and bows that littered the floor under their fake Christmas tree.

Justin laughed with Brian and turned on his side so he could look down at his lover’s genuinely happy face. “This is the best?” he asked, astounded at the revelation.

“Yup,” Brian assured, popping his head up for a moment to kiss Justin. “I’ve never had better and I’ve definitely never gotten so many presents. In fact, I never really celebrated Christmas willingly as an adult and when I was a kid it was only an excuse for my parents to get drunk and my mother to force my sister and me to praise the lord,” he explained the sad situation but continued to smile at Justin.

Justin knew of Brian’s past, of his family, but until that moment he hadn’t understood how disconnected and unhappy they really must’ve made Brian. “This is my favorite Christmas, too.”

“When we were putting up the Christmas tree, you told me about your last Christmas with your Mom and Dad,” Brian reminded Justin. “You said that was your favorite.”

Justin nodded. “It was, until today. I have you and the best gift you could ever give me is right here,” he placed his hand on his stomach and blushed at Brian.

Brian refrained from telling Justin how cheesy and sentimental his words were, he had to do that a lot of the time Justin spoke. Justin still spoke words that sounded like they came out of a ten-year-old’s mouth but he could never bring himself to correct that innocence since Justin had already lost so much. “So where is Duchess?” Brian asked, moving the paper he’d last seen her under.

“She took off with the cat-nip into the bathroom,” Justin answered. “I think she’s hiding in the bathtub afraid we’ll take it away like you had to last time.”

“She got so high she was licking my socks,” Brian protested. “She really is crazy if she’s hiding in the bathtub.”

“It’s the only place she thinks we won’t look for her,” Justin assessed. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we snuck in there and turned the water on her?”

“You’re mean,” Brian gasped. “I thought you loved her!”

“I do. But I miss messing around with her. She changed from being a kitty to cat while I was gone.”

Duchess had moments where she seemed to act like a kitten, but Justin was right, the animal had changed while he was gone and it wasn’t entirely because she’d matured. Not wanting to see the sadness in Justin’s eyes, he pulled Justin’s head down so their lips could meet and plundered Justin’s mouth with his tongue. He kissed him expertly, demanding Justin’s thoughts to turn back to happiness.

Justin had to pull away when he became short of breath. “You should save that for when we’re under the mistletoe,” he joked.

Brian hopped up from the pile of paper and presents and offered his hand to help Justin stand up. “Come on,” he beckoned.

Justin complied and followed as Brian led them toward the bedroom. His cock hardened along the way and he was pleasantly surprised as he watched Brian rush to dispose of his clothing and place himself spread-eagle on the bed. “Eager to be inside of me?” he asked, pulling off his t-shirt.

Brian grabbed the lube from the bedside table and held Justin’s eyes with his own lustful stare. “No,” he replied. “I’m eager to get my last present from you.”

Justin laughed as he, now naked, crawled onto the bed. “Isn’t that the same thing?” he asked, kissing Brian’s chest.

Brian shoved the lube into Justin’s hand. “Nope. I’m eager to have you inside of me.”

“I think I’m the one getting the present,” Justin assessed, licking his lips.

 

***
 

Thursday, January 1, 1998
12:03 A.M.

Justin pulled out of the passionate kiss and clinked his glass of sparkling grape juice with Brian’s. “To a new year,” he toasted.

“To the New Year,” Brian spoke and took a sip of the drink.

Justin took Brian’s glass from him and placed both of theirs down on the bar top. “Dance with me,” he asked, pulling Brian into the open space of the living room.

“I’m a horrible dancer,” Brian protested.

“But you said you went dancing all the time,” Justin said while he pushed the coffee table and chairs as far back in the space as he could.

Brian practically dug his heels in as Justin led him into the center of the room. “Just because I danced, it didn’t mean I was any good.”

Justin giggled. “I don’t care.” He placed his hands on Brian’s waist and began to lead him around the room in a restrained waltz.

Brian fumbled with following Justin but soon began to enjoy himself, mostly because Justin’s smile and joy was infecting him. “I can’t believe you have me dancing to a Disney song,” he laughed.

Justin stopped dancing and started laughing hysterically as he walked over to their new stereo and changed the disc to one he’d gotten Brian for Christmas. “I was just seeing how long you’d let me dance with you to that,” he snickered. A Frank Sinatra began to play and he grabbed Brian into his arms again.

Brian looked down at Justin as they swayed to ‘Embraceable You’. “You’re a little devil,” he told him.

Justin shrugged and placed his head on Brian’s shoulder, stopping their dance to a slight sway as his hands pressed Brian against his body. “Shut up and dance with me.”

Brian obliged, happy that Justin considered their slow sway a dance.

Duchess watched the couple from her seat on the sofa, relaxed and content seeing her boys happy like they had been before Justin had gone away.
 

XXXXX

Moments in Captivity

Chapter 10: Twist

 

Tuesday, February 3, 1998

To suffering there is a limit; to fearing, none. ~ Francis Bacon

Brian watched in envy as Justin licked white frosting from his upper lip. Unable to hold back, he pulled Justin against him and devoured his mouth, seeking and claiming his taste. “Mmm… delicious,” Brian said, pulling away.

Justin grinned. “So I’m Sweet Sixteen?” he asked playfully.

Brian felt his gut twist. He was ever-aware of Justin’s innocence and when they’d celebrated his fifteenth birthday, it had made him feel completely uncomfortable. However, Justin’s excitement to share his birthday with someone else made it much easier for Brian.

Looking down into Justin’s blue eyes, now made Brian realize with startling clarity how much had changed for Justin in the last year. For any normal fifteen year old, turning sixteen would mean getting a driver’s license and a slew of other rights of passage which Justin didn’t know he was missing out on. Even with all the little quirks that showed Justin’s naiveté, Brian couldn’t imagine how Justin was only sixteen.

“What’s the matter?” Justin asked, touching Brian’s cheek with the back of his fingers.

Brian couldn’t tell Justin what he was thinking; he didn’t want to ruin his lover’s happiness. “Nothing,” he said while smiling. “So, what do you think of your cake?” he asked, changing the subject.

Justin was quite proud of Brian. It was a simple, one-layer chocolate cake with cream cheese icing, orange sprinkles and sixteen blue candles stuck into the middle of it. It looked perfect. “I love it,” Justin said looking down at the cake, his stomach growling.

Brian laughed as he heard the noises Justin’s stomach made. “You want desert before we have dinner, don’t you?”

Justin wrapped his arms around Brian and nodded enthusiastically. “I do, do you mind?”

“We’re just having frozen pizza,” Brian replied. “But before you blow out your candles I want you to open a present I got you first.”

Justin bounced on his heels. “Really? What is it?”

“Go sit down and I’ll go get it,” Brian spoke, leading Justin from the kitchen into the living room.

“Okay,” Justin agreed with excitement. “Grab my camera while you’re in there.”

“Will do,” Brian said, disappearing down the hall.

Justin picked up Duchess and placed her on top of his round stomach. Duchess began to purr and as soon as she did the baby began to move around. “You hear Duchess, Baby?”

Duchess didn’t exactly understand what was going inside of Justin, but it was the same thing as before he went away. She could hear a fast heart beat and the normal sound of her boy’s slower heart beat. His stomach felt like it was vibrating though, and she wasn’t sure if that was okay. She looked up at Justin and meowed.

“You feel the baby moving?” Justin asked the kitten.

Happy that Justin was calm Duchess purred again and placed her head on Justin’s stomach.

“You’re a silly kitty,” Justin told her. “I wonder what you’re going to think of the baby when it gets here.”

“She’s going to be a jealous cat,” Brian joked, entering the living room.

“Oh My God!” Justin gasped as he saw the two large presents Brian carried toward him.

“I have a few others but those are for after the cake.”

“More?” Justin placed Duchess beside him and reached for the largest box. “Where did you hide all of these?”

“Under the bed,” Brian said proudly. “I actually ordered these two for you for Christmas but it took a long time to get them delivered. You were taking a bath last week when these came.” He handed the smaller box to Justin and placed the other one by his feet. “Go ahead,” he encouraged, aiming the camera at Justin so he could capture his face.

Justin quickly tore the blue paper off the box and shrieked, "Wow!”

Brian laughed at Justin’s outburst and took a picture of Justin’s face, his mouth hanging open. “You like?”

“A Sony Cyber-Shot Digital Still Camera!” Justin gasped. “I can’t believe they actually let you get this!”

Brian shrugged. “I thought that they wouldn’t.”

“This is the kind of camera you use a cord and it will go on the computer. I saw it in the electronics catalog and it was really expensive.”

“Well, I’m just glad it got here. Now, go on and open it so I can use it for your next gift.”

Brian helped Justin get the camera working, posing for a few shots as he tried it out. “Okay, enough pictures of me,” he said, grabbing the camera. “Open that present.”

Justin tore away the red paper from the next box and nearly cried at what he saw. “Brian,” he whispered in awe. “You got me an easel and it’s…”

“I know it’s small. And after what you painted on the baby’s wall and from what I’ve seen of your sketches and your chalk drawings, I thought you could…”

Justin grabbed Brian’s arm and tugged him down into a kiss. “It’s perfect, Brian. Thank you.”

“I got you some stuff to go with it, but you’ll have to wait until after dinner to see it all.”

Justin stood up, aimed his new camera at them and took a picture of the passionate kiss he gave Brian.

 

***
 

After they ate pizza, Justin opened his other presents. He was delighted by each one. Brian had bought him six canvases, acrylic paints (with the promise of getting oils for him once he wasn’t pregnant and it was safe for him to use them with turpentine), and a new set of charcoals, chalks and two large sketch pads. After he opened his gifts, Brian asked Justin what he wanted to do and Justin immediately chose playing the new board game Brian got him for Christmas.

“What do you think you'd be doing if you weren't here?" Justin asked Brian.

Brian looked across the table and laughed. "I certainly wouldn't be playing 'The Game of Life' that's for sure." He said spinning the wheel. "I probably never would have even heard of the game."

Justin stopped the spinning wheel with his hand.

"Hey," Brian protested. "I could have had my stock number, and now I got a two."

Justin smiled a little and grabbed the hand of Brian's closest to him. "I'm serious, Brian. What would you be doing?”

Brian sighed. "Well you would have beat me anyway. You always seem to get a hundred of those life tiles and end up way ahead of me." He stood up from the dining table and took Justin's hand pulling Justin to stand. “I’ll tell you what I’d like to do right now,” he whispered, peppering kisses along Justin’s neck. The last thing he wanted to think of was home when he was happy. It instantly brought him down.

"Can you just answer the question, Brian?" Justin asked getting frustrated. He extracted himself from Brian and sat down on the couch.

Brian felt helpless as he watched Justin curl his legs up to his belly and begin to cry. When Justin had been pregnant before, he hadn't had many of the typical symptoms of pregnancy, but this time, his mood swings were constant. The normal stress of pregnancy combined with the despair Justin felt about Beacon's death, the constant worrying about their situation, pretty much meant that Justin was crying one minute and laughing the next.

Brian didn't know what to do. Justin seemed to be in another world half the time he was awake. He'd come up with silly questions all the time, always had. But more frequently Justin was asking him questions about life outside of what he looked at as life inside captivity. They were like animals being watched for entertainment, fed, entertained and bred for their kidnappers’ sick purpose. Thoughts of home only made it harder for him to ignore these facts.

Brian walked over to Justin and softly asked, "Can I sit down?”

Justin wiped his tears and glared at Brian. "Not if you're going to make fun of me."

Brian sat down anyway and put his arms around the reluctant blond. "I wasn't making fun of you, Justin."

"You were ignoring me," Justin snapped and tried to pull away from Brian. "I just wanted to talk to you! You were trying to divert my attention away from the question.” Justin stood up from the sofa and ran down the hall, slamming the bedroom door behind him.

Brian waited a few minutes, hoping Justin would calm down before going in search of his pregnant lover. Whenever Justin was hurting he tried his best to soothe him. But he also knew that a few minutes of space was sometimes all Justin needed to get over what was bothering him.

"You could have at least knocked!" Justin growled, glaring up at Brian from the sofa in their bedroom.

"This is my room too," Brian replied, walking over to Justin.

"It was my fucking room first! So you can just... get... the... fuck... out!"

Brian halted his footsteps and flinched at the wild look in Justin's eyes. “Justin?" Brian gasped out his name as though he truly were not sure if it was his lover sitting there. It had been such a nice day and now Justin was screaming at him in a way he’d never done before. He dropped to his knees in front of Justin and held his hands. “Whatever I did or said, Justin, I'm sorry," Brian spoke emotionally.

"I know I'm naive about a lot of things, Brian, but I'm not stupid. You don't have to try and manipulate me so that I forget about you answering a simple question."

"Justin I don't..."

Justin cut him off, "You don't what, Brian? You don't think I can understand a sentence? All you had to say was that you didn't want to talk about it. Or that you didn't want to answer the fucking question. I'm sure it gets really annoying having to answer all my dumb questions about that world. I know I probably wouldn't be able to survive outside of these walls from what I remember about real life. If it weren't for you teaching me and telling me things about it. But you don't have to act like I'm a fucking child." Justin took his hands out of Brian's grasp and then put them on top of Brian's. "I'm not a child anymore, Brian." He looked directly into his lover's glistening brown eyes. "I've given birth to one. And I'm pregnant with another. So if I ask a fucking question, then fucking answer it or tell me that you don't want to, is that underfuckingstood?"

Brian blinked his eyes twice and looked at Justin’s hands resting on top of his own, comforting him. He allowed the tears in his eyes to fall down his face before he looked back up at Justin. When he did, he felt as though he was looking at his lover for the first time. He couldn't explain what was different; what he hadn't seen only minutes before, but there was a different kind of aura around Justin.

Brian felt his stomach clench as he remembered the fight they’d had before Justin had the miscarriage, it had practically been about the same thing. He circled his arms around Justin’s waist, placed his face against Justin's belly and whispered, "I'm so sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to make you feel that way. You aren’t a child, I know that. I really do. You're the smartest and strongest person I know and I love you so much."

Justin carded his fingers through Brian’s hair and asked, "You don't think that I'm stupid because I can't remember much about being in the real world?”

Brian lifted his head up and looked into Justin's eyes while he moved to sit beside him and took Justin into his arms. "I don't think you're stupid, Justin. You have taught me so much, and you're so very wrong about being out there. You'd survive just fine out there without me. It's me that wouldn't survive without you," Brian told him. "I never meant to hurt you or make you feel like I was manipulating you. Never would I want to do that to you. I know you're not a child, Justin. Believe me, I do. And I fucking love everything about you, just the way you are."

Justin turned his head to kiss Brian gently on the mouth. "I'm sorry for freaking out, Brian. I didn't mean to get so mad. It’s just that sometimes I feel like I’m out my mind the moment I get angry."

Brian nodded his head and smiled a little. "I want to answer your question if you'll ask me again."

Justin stiffened a little. "I told you, you don't have to."

"I want to," Brian told him firmly. He realized now, more than ever that he was the only contact Justin had to the outside world and he needed to indulge him with whatever piece of it he could give him. "Ask me again," he said, urging Justin on.

Justin took a deep breath and twined his fingers with Brian's. "I asked, what do you think you would be doing if you weren't here?”

Brian smiled. Before the answer seemed to have many scary impossible possibilities, depending on the circumstances he could have answered many different ways. But right now, as he held Justin against him, he knew exactly what the answer was.

He nuzzled his face into Justin's hair and took a deep breath of the calming scent. "That's easy," he whispered. "I'd be thinking that my life was missing a whole lot."

The reason Justin always asked Brian so many questions was not because he was the only one he had to talk to, or because he loved to hear Brian talk, and it wasn't because he knew that Brian would give him a reassuring answer. It was because no matter what Justin asked of Brian, when Brian did answer, it was the truth.

 

***
 

Wednesday, February 4, 1998

Brian sat next to Justin on the couch, his arms slung around Justin's shoulders. He didn't dream of telling Justin that his elbow had been digging into his stomach for the last hour. He was happy to have Justin in his arms for such a long period of time. It didn’t matter that it had been months since he had Justin back, he couldn’t get enough of Justin.

Justin shifted his body and brought his right leg up over both of Brian's legs and then propped his left foot up on the coffee table. Brian let out a long breath, thankful that Justin had moved. He could deal with his legs probably falling asleep instead of being elbowed in his gut. "Let's get to the name choosing," Brian prompted Justin to read the baby book he had opened on his stomach.

"Ooh, just a second. He is moving right now, and he's not in a good place."

Brian put one hand on top of Justin's big belly. With the pregnancy at about nineteen weeks along Brian couldn't feel much movement and longed for the day to come that he did. "You should stop calling the baby a 'he',” Brian said smirking. “If it’s a girl and you get into the habit of calling it a ‘he’ when she’s here, you’ll confuse her.”

Justin laughed. "Well calling the baby ‘it’ just doesn’t seem right anymore, not now that I can feel the baby moving. Besides, we’re choosing names now, so we can look for a unisex name if you want.”

Brian thought about how they'd always referred to Beacon as 'B' because the girl name they'd chosen had been Beatha. "Why don't we call the baby, B? Just like we did last time?"

Justin turned away from Brian. "If this child is a boy, I'm not calling him Beacan, Brian."

Brian turned Justin's face to look at him. "I wouldn't want to do that. We have a child named Beacan, there won't be another with his name," Brian said firmly.

Justin nodded and cleared his throat. "But you still want the baby to be a 'B'?" Justin asked, flipping to Justin's 'B' names in the book.

"Well, yeah... I mean didn't we like that one name...oh, what was it?" Brian said peering down at the book.

Justin skimmed the pages of the Irish, Gaelic and Celtic names. "Bedwyr, Bendigeigfran,” Justin began to rattle off a few of the names as he read. Finally he found what he was looking for. "Bevyn!" Justin exclaimed and looked at Brian. "That's the other name we liked. Isn’t it, Brian?"

"Yeah, Justin. But read the meaning again.”

"Okay but wait," Justin looked at the names. "There's three ways of spelling it, 'en', 'in', or ‘yn’."

Brian laughed. "I liked the 'yn', before I think."

"Yeah... me too." Justin gave Brian an open-mouthed kiss to the side of Brian's neck directly in the spot that always made Brian hard.

Brian let out a low growl and moved his hands to Justin's arms. "If you want to pick out a baby name, you'd better not do that."

Justin’s cheeks flushed and he moaned at the lustful stare Brian was giving him. He attempted to get them back on track. "Okay, Bevyn...with a 'y'. It is used in Gaelic, Celtic and Irish families and means, young solider or valiant survivor."

"I definitely like that if B's a boy." Brian said. "What about you?"

"I like that too. But what about the girl name?" Justin asked Brian.

"Well, I thought we'd keep Beatha. It meant life's light, from what I remember."

"And delicate." Justin added. "I think that's a great idea. Saves us the time of looking through a thousand girl names."

"And what will we do with our spare time?" Brian thrust his hips up nearly jolting Justin from his lap if he hadn't had his arms around him.

Justin untangled himself from Brian, eager to get naked. “Come on,” he said, beckoning Brian to follow him down the hall. He quickly shucked his sweats and tee and climbed onto the bed just as Brian entered the bedroom.

"It seems someone is very inventive concerning the ways in which to pass time," Brian said giving Justin a lustful leer.

Justin stroked his hard dick for a moment before he turned onto his hands and knees. "Come fuck me, Brian," he whispered, turning his head to look at Brian, who was undressing in a flourish.

Brian lubed himself and Justin and pushed inside his lover. He pulled Justin up and to sit on his lap and coaxed his arms to brace himself against the headboard. "How do you want it?” Brian whispered into Justin’s ear.

Justin moaned as Brian swiveled his hips, in turn brushing against his prostate. "I want it hard,” he answered, moaning as he ground hard against Brian.

Brian gave Justin exactly what he asked for. He fucked him hard, but kept it gentle enough to assure his comfort. He kept the fuck going for a long time, stalling whenever he felt himself for Justin getting close to the edge. Justin’s body was shuddering uncontrollably, barely able to support himself and begging Brian to let him come in words that were barely discernible. Brian finally slammed into Justin’s tight depths in quick jabs, aiming for Justin’s prostate as his hand worked around Justin’s dick, allowing Justin’s release and then his own.

Brian carefully pulled out of Justin and rolled onto his back, trying to catch his breath. He gazed at Justin who curled into his side, his stomach nudging Brian’s hip. “You okay?” he asked.

Justin nodded and blinked sleepily at Brian. “Wonderfully exhausted,” he assured and closed his eyes.

Brian fell asleep a few moments later to the sound of Justin’s deep snoring.

 

***
 

Brian jerked awake as he heard Justin gagging beside him. “Justin?” he asked, sitting up and rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I'm going to be sick," Justin spoke, swinging his legs over the side of the bed.

Brian immediately grabbed the trash can from beside the bed and held it out under Justin’s mouth. “It’s all right,” he comforted, rubbing Justin’s back with his free hand.

“I hate throwing up!” Justin moaned just before puking.

Brian continued to rub Justin’s back and felt extremely guilty, thinking he’d caused Justin to feel sick from the way he worked his body when they’d fucked earlier. Brian started to feel queasy watching and smelling it and had to force himself to look away. He’d seen Justin vomit many times but it had never bothered him before. He hoped that the caviar he’d eaten for lunch, which Justin had said smelled bad, hadn’t given him food poisoning. He had thought it smelled fine, which made Brian think it was just his lover’s over-sensitive nose. But now… now he was pretty sure it had to be bad because he was on the verge of throwing up too.

"Brian, take this please,” Justin asked, pushing the trash can toward Brian. "I'm done. I just need a minute before I get up."

Brian looked up at Justin with concern as he felt his stomach turning over and over within him. "Oh... Sorry," he whispered, feeling a sweat break out upon his naked body as he took the trash can and stood up to empty it.

Justin reached over to the nightstand and grabbed some tissues to wipe his mouth with. When he looked back at Brian he noticed Brian hadn't moved and his skin had gotten very pale. "Brian, are you okay?" Justin asked worriedly.

The room spun and Brian fell to his knees, getting the waste can under his mouth just in time.

Justin held the longer strands of Brian’s hair away from his face and rubbed his back. “It’s okay,” he comforted him. Justin had never seen Brian sick before, especially not in reaction to him getting sick.

"Fucking sushi!" Brian yelled in between bouts of sick.

"Oh, Brian." Justin chastised softly. "You should have listened to me." He didn't like to wonder about what would happen if Brian did become truly sick from the food poisoning and in need of hospital care.

Brian lifted his head out of the bucket. "I... I... need a shower," he said standing carefully on shaky limbs. “Are you okay?”

Justin loved Brian so much for asking that when he himself wasn’t okay. “I’m fine, Brian. It was just the pregnancy queasiness, I’m sure.”

"Can you make it there by yourself?" Justin asked when he saw Brian's step falter as he reached the doorway.

Brian rubbed his face and looked through his blurry eyes. "Yeah, could you change the sheets and then come help me out."

Justin felt an icy wave of fear pass through each nerve in his body. Brian only asked for help in the shower when it came to them having sex, which was obviously not the case this time. "Sure, Brian. Just give me a moment to calm myself down, make the bed and I'll join you."

"Okay," Brian replied so quietly that Justin could barely hear him.

Justin watched to make sure Brian made it down the hallway. He stood still as he listened, until Brian turned the water in the shower on. He changed the sheets and set up Brian's pillows so the man could climb back into bed as soon as they were done in the shower.

When Justin entered the bathroom Brian was sitting in the bottom of the tub letting the water pour down on him. "Brian?" Justin unintentionally startled the wet man.

Brian looked up, and he swore there were two Justin’s until he blinked a few times and his vision cleared. "I threw up again," he confessed to his lover and then looked down at the drain.

Justin stepped inside the tub and carefully squatted down behind Brian. "I'm going to wash your hair and body, do the same for me and then I'll help you into bed, okay?"

"K." Brian felt like his throat was on fire. Not wanting to worry Justin he hadn’t told him the complete truth. In the ten minutes he'd been in the shower, he'd thrown up constantly until a minute before Justin came into the bathroom. The last had been all bile and he nearly started to dry heave but had forced himself not to. He was thankful it had all gone down the drain before Justin had seen it. It was bad enough that he had to have his pregnant lover care for him at all.

Justin quickly washed Brian and then himself when he realized Brian could barely raise his arms without wincing in pain. Whatever it was that was making Brian sick, it seemed like it was attacking more than just his stomach. He grabbed their toothbrushes off the sink vanity so they could brush their teeth while in the shower, prompting Brian to open his mouth so he could help him.

Brian was grateful to get the disgusting copper taste out of his mouth. "Thanks," he whispered hoarsely as Justin finished. Using every ounce of strength he could, he pulled himself out the tub and put on his robe. He allowed Justin to dry his hair with a towel and didn't protest as his lover tucked him into his bed. He could see Justin crawling up onto the bed himself, and fell asleep the second Justin's head rested against his terry cloth covered chest.

Justin hugged Brian to his body. Hoping that Brian's health would be better after he took a nap, now that he'd gotten all the bad food out of his system. He had never seen Brian so sick and couldn’t believe how quickly it hit him, which kept making Justin think it was more than food poisoning. Justin didn’t want to think Brian had somehow gotten sick with some virus or bug, he didn’t ever want Brian taken from him and he knew where they would put him until he got better. It was a place he never wanted Brian to experience. Things had been so happy only hours before and Justin had to force his mind to think positively as he fell asleep, holding Brian tight.
 

Return to A Captivating Coupling