Ardor

Chapter Five: “Good Day”


I think I like today
I think it’s good
It’s something I can get my head around
True love is something that comes easy
Just one kiss god I swear I want to…
I heard a pin drop and a nervous heartbeat
Have you ever heard me scream I love you ~ Angels & Airwaves

***

 

Friday, July 18, 2003

Brian pulled into a free parking space near the basketball courts at the park. This was the first time he’d ever come to the park without his son since he was born. Brian idly wondered what Gus would think of Justice when they met. Most of his friends at school were girls so… ‘Whoa,’ Brian thought, stopping any further thoughts. His friendship with Justin was already much more than he ever intended for it to be. He couldn’t start thinking about future plans and meetings between their kids. Justin had a lot to work through and though he seemed to want Brian to be his friend, Brian was sure that once he and Daphne spent some time together, there would be no need for Justin to have Brian in his life.

This realization bothered Brian but he accused the Thai food he and Justin had for lunch and dismissed the fact that never before had anything spicy given him heartburn.

“Thanks for doing this w...with me,” Justin said, reaching over and squeezing Brian’s hand.

Though Daphne and Justice had wanted to see Justin in the hospital, Justin had asked them to stay away. He was terrified that he’d traumatized his daughter already when he passed out in front of her (though everyone assured him she was just fine) and he didn’t want to do more damage by making their first visit together occur while he lay in a hospital bed.

“Are you sure you don’t want to do this alone?” Brian asked. “I can always just go sit in my car and be close by in case you need some support.”

“I need it n… now,” Justin said. “I know Daphne wanted me to know Justice but me... I...”

“What?”

“My mom s… said Daphne and M… Mitchell might move here. Mom says Daphne wants me to spend as much time as I w... want to with Jus… Justice. But what kind of f…father am I? I can’t even say her name without stuttering? They’ll see me, hear me and then…”

“Then what? You don’t think they’ll want you around her?” Brian had spoken to both Daphne and Mitchell and though it appeared they had good intentions and wanted Justin to be the father he hadn’t been able to be, he could understand Justin’s doubts.

“I’m not normal,” Justin explained. “I never will be. Re... remembering my past doesn’t change my limp, my speech, or my comprehension. It may never change. My mom wanted to come with me because she didn’t want them taking advan... advantage of that. But I didn’t want my Mommy here to protect mmm… me.”

“And you think I can stop them from taking advantage of you but I won’t look as threatening as your mother?” Brian asked.

“You’re my friend,” Justin stated firmly. “Your presence will be seen as that, plus, you don’t infantilize me.”

Brian laughed. “Infantilize, huh? If you’re using words like that, I think you’d be just fine on your own. Besides, I am twelve years older than you so that alone might infantilize you.”

Justin rolled his eyes. “You barely look twenty-five.”

“You’re such a liar.”

Justin sighed and gave Brian a serious expression. “Brian, sometimes things c... come naturally but a lot of times, I don’t understand things,” he said. “My memories feel like they happened to s… someone else or they just overwhelm me. I didn’t know you before so I don’t f… feel anxious with you. If I start to get overwhelmed with them you can help distract me.”

“Okay, so should we have a secret signal or something?”

Justin laughed. “No!”

Brian opened the driver’s door. “Come on.”

“Wait.” Justin grabbed Brian’s arm. “What if she doesn’t like me? What if... wh... what if she notices that I stutter? That I can’t walk?”

“Justice?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Justin, I think she’s not going to care about any of that. She just wants to meet her daddy.”

 

***
 

Justice was a bright, spunky little girl and she readily accepted Justin as her father. Justin’s fears of her not were completely unfounded. Brian knew that Daphne had told Justice about him, but the connection she had with Justin was so strong, he knew that Daphne and Mitchell had truly always intended for them to be father and daughter. Justin must’ve had a damn good paternal instinct too because he was wonderful with Justice and instantly bonded with her. He’d forgotten about his nervousness and a half hour after they’d arrived, Brian realized that he wasn’t needed.

“You’re good for Justin,” Daphne said, coming up to stand beside Brian.

Brian looked down at the girl and laughed. “You and Justice are good for him. You’re who he needs in his life.”

Daphne nodded. “You don’t have to worry. I won’t keep Justice away from Justin.”

“You won’t,” Brian agreed.

“Justin doesn’t know this but… well, his mom wasn’t that happy about me saying that I wanted Justin in her life.”

Brian wasn’t exactly surprised, he knew that Jennifer was extremely over protective of Justin and now that Justin had remembered his past, she probably feared the moment that would come when Justin no longer needed her to care for him. She had smothered him and he couldn’t be sure, but sometimes Brian wondered if she’d smothered his progress too.

“I talked to his Dad,” Daphne went on. “I don’t know how much you know about their divorce but…”

“Justin said they were separated and he thinks it was his fault.” This was one of the many things about his past linking with the change of the present that Justin had talked to him about yesterday in the hospital.

“Jennifer didn’t want Craig to make any of the decisions in Justin’s care. She even had my mom draw up paper’s giving her sole caregiver’s rights. Of course, since my mom never cared what was best for Justin, she did it and I think that she’s probably the one who first suggested it to her. Jennifer was always an amazing mom. The person she is now is so different but I think that maybe she might be suffering from PTSD too.”

Brian was sure Daphne was right. “How certain are you that Mitchell is going to get this job?” The man had told Brian all about it while they sat together watching Daphne, Justice and Justin playing together.

“Even if he doesn’t, he knows that I intend to move here so that Justin and Justice can be together until he can secure a job here and be with us.”

“Maybe you shouldn’t,” Brian spoke the suggestion that had been on his mind since the moment he saw Daphne, Justin and Justice together.

“What?” Daphne asked in shock. “Don’t tell me you think that Justice will overwhelm him too. That’s what Jennifer said. But she won’t… look at them,” she paused and pointed to the sandbox, “he’s so happy. I may not know what exactly he’s been through the last three years but Craig filled me in. From what he told me, well… Justin seems to be doing a lot better. I thought that you had a lot to do with it but if you just want him to…”

“He is,” Brian interrupted, placing a hand on Daphne’s shoulder. “I’ve not ever seen him so happy and it’s not just that. He’s not freaking out about the other people here. He shook Mitchell’s hand without a second thought, he hugged you, and he’s let Justice climb all over him. He’s thriving.”

“Then why do you think we shouldn’t move here?” Daphne asked in frustration.

“Look, I don’t know Justin as well as you so I really have no right to make suggestions about his life; I definitely wouldn’t want him to do anything he didn’t want to do but…”

“But what?”

“I think he’d be better off in London.”

“What?” Daphne’s mouth dropped open in shock. “I thought you and he…”

“I care about him,” Brian said, his heart racing. “But I think that maybe he needs a fresh start. He wants to move out of his mom’s house and get a place but I honestly don’t know if he’s ready to live alone. But with Jennifer hovering over his every move, I’m afraid he’s going to second guess every move he makes with Justice. He was freaking out in the car. He was terrified that you and Mitchell would see the way he is and not want him around her.”

“That’s ridiculous!” Daphne said.

“Jennifer rarely took him out anywhere because she was embarrassed of him. You don’t even seem to notice the things he is so worried about you noticing.”

“Of course I notice how he is different,” Daphne said softly, shaking her head. “But that’s all the more reason for me to want to be around him, for me to want to do whatever I can to make up for what he’s missed out on.”

“Do you think you and Mitchell can give him a ride home? I think he’s comfortable enough with you and I really need to get back to my son.”

“Brian,” Daphne said, stopping him with a hand on his arm. “I know there’s something going on between you and Justin, I can tell from looking at the two of you together. Why would you want him living so far away?”

“Because,” Brian started and swallowed thickly. He had nothing to lose by admitting what he thought to Daphne. “Justin doesn’t feel like a man and even though he says that I don’t infantilize him the way his mother does, he still uses me as a crutch and… I’m not saying there is something between us, but if there was… if there could be… he needs to feel like a man first. You need to talk to your husband and then talk to Justin about it, but no matter what happens, he needs to be the one to make the decision.”

“You love him,” Daphne observed in a whisper.

Brian turned away from her and walked over to where Justice and Justin were playing in the sandbox. “Hey.”

Justin looked up at Brian and gave him a bright smile. “Hey.”

“Daphne said she’d give you a ride home. I’ve got to get back to Gus.”

“But I thought Debbie was watching him for the night.”

“Who’s Gus?” Justice asked, blinking up at Brian and mirroring the smile on her father’s face.

“He’s my son,” Brian answered, bending down. “Maybe one day you two can play together.”

“K,” Justice said and then went back to playing in the sand.

“You’re right, Gus is staying with his Grandma but I thought I’d go hang out with him there for a while before going out with Mikey.”

“Wh… where are you going tonight?”

“Babylon,” Brian said. “It’s my friend Emmett’s birthday.”

“I hope I can m… meet them one day,” Justin said.

“Maybe,” Brian said. “So, are you all right with them taking you home?”

“Yeah.” Justin bit his lip and stood up. He leaned in close to Brian and whispered, “They really want me to be her father. Even now. Right?”

A lump formed in Brian’s throat in reaction to Justin’s words. He pulled him into his arms and squeezed him tightly. “You’re exactly the way you’re supposed to be, Justin. Daphne loves you and so does your daughter.”

Justin moved his head from Brian’s shoulder and stared up at him, his pulse beat faster and his eyes focused on Brian’s full lips, everything around him faded in and out and all he could think of was Brian’s smell as the breeze picked up and pushed into his nostrils. He desperately wanted to kiss Brian. He stood on his tip toes and…

“Later,” Brian said, gently pushing Justin away.

“Later,” Justin said in a disappointed sigh as Brian turned away from him. The person he was wasn’t someone that Brian wanted.

 

***
 

“Stop looking so glum,” Michael griped. “Gus is just fine. Put on a smile or Emmett will think you’re not happy he’s becoming one of us.”

Brian snorted. “I think Em’s been a fag since before he was even born.”

“He meant, ‘an old man’,” Ted teased.

“So that would make you, what… the Crypt Keeper?” Brian asked.

“God, Brian,” Michael said, “that was bad. Something has to be wrong if you can’t think of any good insults.”

Brian shrugged and sipped his beer. “If Emmett doesn’t show up for his surprise party soon, I’m fucking leaving.”

“No you aren’t,” Michael said firmly. “So… if it’s not Gus, is it Cynthia? Her baby?”

“No,” Brian said. “Fuck, leave me alone, would you?”

“It’s Justin,” Ben said softly.

Brian glared.

Michael’s eyes widened. “What about Justin? Brian, I thought you were helping him…”

“He doesn’t need my fucking help,” Brian interrupted. “Besides, he’s none of your fucking business anyway.”

“Is he doing all right now?” Ted asked.

“I just said he wasn’t any of your fucking business,” Brian snapped. He pulled out his wallet and laid a few bills on the bar. “Tell Em something came up.”

“That excuse only works if you’re actually fucking someone,” Michael said, grabbing Brian’s arm. He pulled him to the side away from the table where their friends were and demanded, “Tell me what’s going on?”

“Nothing.” Brian said, enunciating every syllable.

“Do you have feelings for him?”

Brian laughed. “Me?”

“You’re different now,” Michael whispered. “You aren’t the Brian Kinney that doesn’t believe in love.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Gus.”

“I’m not fucking talking about this,” Brian said, and walked quickly out of Woody’s before his friend could weasel anything else out of him. He’d stupidly revealed enough about what he felt for Justin today with Daphne and didn’t need Michael’s, or anyone else’s input on it.

 

***
 

Friday, July 25, 2003

Brian took his ringing cell phone out of his pocket and looked at the call display. It was Justin. He’d only spoken to him once in the last week. Justin had called on Monday to see how the move from the loft to the house had gone. Brian led him to believe that he was still knee deep in the move, though the truth was he had been finished. There was shopping he needed to do to fill the barren house because he and Gus didn’t have enough things at the loft. He hadn’t accepted the calls Justin made twice on Wednesday, nor did he listen to the message he left him yesterday.

Brian silenced his cell phone and put the car in reverse. Cynthia was taking Gus to the zoo today and Brian would be picking him up tomorrow night. Gus wasn’t as enthusiastic about staying with her as he usually was because he wanted to sleep in his new bedroom, but Brian explained to him that soon Cynthia would have her baby and it might be a month or more before Cynthia felt up to having him spend the night. This instantly swayed Gus’ decision to stay at his surrogate mother’s home. Cynthia had tried to talk to Brian about Justin before he left, but Brian dodged her questions and quickly left as soon as he said goodbye to Gus.

The ringing of the phone began again before he reached the end of the driveway. He sighed, put the car in park and reluctantly answered it. “Yeah?”

“B… Brian, thank ggg….god you answered!”

Brian’s spine stiffened as heard panic in Justin’s voice. “What’s wrong?”

“Mmmm… my mom. She… she… can you… I need to leave. She doesn’t understand. She… sh… she wants me to sss… stop looking Justice so I can’t be a father with me not right. I’m home n… now. She’s mad and she’s done so much for me but I don’t want her mad. I don’t want her to hate me.”

Justin wasn’t making much sense and Brian knew any plans of shopping had ended the moment he’d picked up the phone. “Justin, listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes, yes… I’m listening,” he wept.

“Your mother doesn’t hate you. Go to your room and pack a bag, you can sleep in Gus’ room tonight because he’s staying with Cynthia. I think you just need some space from your mom and then maybe you can talk to her tomorrow once you’ve both calmed down.”

“Y… you mean stay with you?”

Brian gulped. “Gus has a full size bed now so you’ll be comfortable.” He was most definitely not staying with him.

Justin whispered, “I’ve never s… slept over anywhere but home.”

Brian started the car and began to drive toward Justin’s house. “Yes, you have. You used to stay at Daphne’s house all the time, remember?”

“Oh.”

“If you’d rather me get you a hotel room where they’re staying, I can do that,” Brian suggested, wondering why he hadn’t thought about it before.

“My own hotel room?”

Brian was glad Justin couldn’t see the expression on his face that his question had caused. “Yes, you’re an adult. I’d only lend you the money, you could check in all on your own now.”

“No,” Justin quickly said, “I won’t like that. I don’t need your money. I g… get disability and it’s all been being saved in the bank with what’s left over from the settlement for the medical bills and aftercare.”

“Okay, then you can use your money,” Brian said.

“I don’t want to b… be alone.”

“Then you can stay at my house. Go get your bag ready, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Okay. Bye.”

“Later.” Brian hung up the phone and felt like beating his head against the steering wheel. He was a fucking idiot. What the fuck was he going to do with Justin at his house?

After shopping, he’d planned to go out; last week he’d made the decision for this weekend to mark his first sexual encounter since Gus’ birth. Now that wasn’t going to happen and he hated himself for feeling slightly relieved to have the change in plans. What the fuck had happened to his life? What had happened to Brian Kinney?

 

***
 

After Justin was safely buckled in his car, Brian asked, “Where to?”

“Huh?”

Brian smiled. “If you could go anywhere right now where would it be?”

“To see Justice,” Justin whispered, looking out the window. “B… but I can’t. Let’s just go to your house.”

“Why the fuck not?” Brian asked, wondering if perhaps he’d misjudged Daphne and Mitchell.

“They drove to Cleveland to v… visit Mitchell’s sister today.”

Brian noticed how much calmer Justin was now and wondered if he really had that big of an effect on him, or if it was just because he was happy to be out of his house. “So that’s why you didn’t want to stay at the hotel? Because they wouldn’t be there.”

“Yeah.” Justin nodded enthusiastically.

Brian could tell Justin was lying from the aloof look on his face. “Tell me the truth.”

“I told you yesterday. I mean… I mean before.” Justin scrubbed his hands over his face. “I don’t like it myself. No… no… Fuck! I can’t think today!” He slammed his hands onto his thighs and loudly screamed, “Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

Okay, so Justin wasn’t calm at all. Brian reached over and put his hand on one of Justin’s, stilling it. “Hey, it’s all right. You don’t have to be nervous with me and you don’t have to worry about using the wrong words. I’m not good with them either.”

Justin sighed and gave Brian a watery smile. “You know what to say to me.”

Brian smirked. “Sometimes.” Sometimes he was speechless.

“Do you not want me to s… stay at your house? Were you only being nice?”

“No, I want you to stay,” Brian said. It was a half-truth. Justin was just too fucking tempting sometimes.

“Justice would want to stay with me even if they were at the hotel,” Justin said in a morose tone. “I can’t take care of her, that’s why she c… couldn’t stay with me while Daphne and Mitchell went to Cleveland.”

The fight Justin had with his mother became clearer. “Your mother didn’t want Justice staying over at your house?” He would’ve bet on Jennifer wanting to spend as much time with her granddaughter as possible.

“Daphne told my mom that she didn’t w… want her taking over while she stayed. She wanted me to learn how to be a dad. Mom said I wasn’t ready and Daphne said that no one is ready to b… be a parent until they become one. She said I needed to be the caregiver to Justice to learn.”

“That makes sense.”

Justin shook his head. “Not to my mom. She told Daphne that n… normal people can learn on the job but I can’t because there is too many things that don’t click for me. My dad said I could stay at his apartment but Mom said that if I did, I couldn’t come back home. I didn’t want her t… to kick me out! That’s when Daphne said…” Justin cleared his throat in an obvious attempt to ward off a sob. “Daphne said I could come to London to live with them. She said that Mitchell could turn down the job here. Mom g… got really angry then.”

“I bet,” Brian said. “But what did you think about that? About London.”

“I don’t want Molly, my dad or mom to be sad. But my dad said that it m… might be good for me to go.” Justin turned in his seat and put his shaky hand on Brian’s thigh. “I don’t want you to be sad if I go.”

Brian gulped and the air in his lungs evaporated.

“Would you care if I left?”

“Yes,” Brian spoke finally. “I would miss you but it’s not like we couldn’t still be friends.”

“But I’d be far away from everything.”

“Maybe that’s a good thing,” Brian said. “Look, I think your mother is a wonderful mother but what happened to you, it didn’t just happen to you. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Justin nodded. “She wasn’t like this before.”

“Right and she might need space from you as much as you need it from her.”

“Without me around she can focus on herself,” Justin confirmed, smiling sadly. “I’m not ungrateful f… for everything but she thinks I am.”

“Inside she knows you’re not,” Brian said. “She’s just hurt and scared because now everything she hoped for you over the last couple of years is coming true. I’m not saying she isn’t wrong for treating you the way she has, she shouldn’t be shitty to you because you’re changing and getting better. But I do understand her extreme reaction to the thought of you growing up and leaving her. You haven’t been around me and Gus a lot, but if you were, you’d think I was a crazy overprotective parent.”

“You are over protective of him because you thought he was going to die,” Justin said, understanding.

“Yes. But I protect myself too.”

“How?” Justin asked.

“I don’t take risks, everything I do, until meeting you anyway, has been carefully planned,” Brian confessed. “Since Gus was born, I haven’t even had sex.”

Justin shrugged. “But that’s only been a f… few years to go without sex. That’s not so bad.”

Brian laughed uproariously. “Says the virgin.”

Justin stuck out his tongue, an act that unknowingly to him, caused Brian’s cock to get hard. “You had sex a lot before Gus was b… born?”

“I had more than my fair share,” Brian admitted. “I partied, drank, took drugs and fucked a lot of men. I used a condom, but there was always a risk. There was a risk I could’ve drunk too much and got alcohol poisoning, overdosed from drugs or worse… gotten infected with something not curable.”

“So you just stopped?” Justin asked, astonished and trying to piece together the man before him with the man Brian was describing.

“I’m the only parent Gus has. Sure, he has Cynthia, who is like a mom to him, but… but his real mothers died,” he spoke in a choked voice. “I made the choice to live a different life so that I could do everything I could to ensure that I would be around to take care of him. Gus fought for months to live and I couldn’t keep taking risks that could hurt him or take me away from him. I couldn’t, not after the hell he went through just trying to stay alive. But I know… that like your mom…”

“You w… went too far trying to protect you both and you lost yourself,” Justin finished in a soft voice.

Brian nodded. “Yeah, I did. I didn’t even want to be friends with you at first because I was afraid to let anyone new into my life.”

“Are you happy you t… took the risk?” Justin asked.

Brian was and he couldn’t deny the happiness he felt when he was with Justin. “Yes.”

“You think I should take the risk and go to London?”

“I do.” Brian pulled into the long driveway of his new home and parked the car in the garage.

“Brian?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you think it’ll really help my mom if I go?”

“I think it may be the only thing,” Brian admitted.

“Brian?” Justin took off his seatbelt and leaned over the center console.

Brian turned to look at Justin and when he did, he saw something in Justin’s deep blue eyes that concerned and excited him all at once. “Yeah?”

“Will you still be my friend?”

“Yes.”

“Could you and Gus come visit me and could I visit you?”

“Yes.”

“If I go,” Justin spoke, his lips coming closer to Brian’s. “If I go, will you do something for me first?”

“What?” Brian asked, his mouth going dry. His hands moved to Justin’s head and he ran his hands through his hair. “What do you want?”

“For you to take my virginity.”

Brian shook his head. “No.”

Justin pressed closer, practically climbing into Brian’s lap. He put his face in the crook of Brian’s neck and whispered, “Please? Take the risk.”

Brian pushed Justin back, stared into his eyes for a long drawn out moment, nodded once and then pressed their mouths together.

The End

Author’s Note: Yes, this is the end of Ardor. But not the series it takes place in. The next part of the series will pick up some time in the future. Or technically, it will pick up in a prologue which will begin in the bedroom of Brian’s house and you will see the scene I did not feel fit with the overall feeling of this part of the series. I know Ardor was short, but due to the timeline needing to jump to get to the actual ‘B/J really falling in love’ part of the series, this needed to end here. I have no idea when I’ll be able to write it, sorry to disappoint about that, but life is busy and I really need to focus on some other fics. But I won’t forget about this one. Thank you to everyone who has followed this fiction and given me comments on it, each one was read and appreciated even if I didn’t respond to them yet. I’ve learned that I actually write stories a lot quicker without posting them by each chapter as a work in progress and without feeling rushed to write them so please be patient with me.
 

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