Ardor

Chapter Two: “To Tell the Truth”

Monday, July 7, 2003

London

“….so I’m not going to tell her we’re going until we’re at the airport.”

Mitchell rubbed his eyes and blinked. He was much too tired for whatever conversation Daphne was trying to have with him. He’d worked thirty-four hours straight and came home a few minutes ago, using the last bit of energy left in him to complete some neglected emails to his family before they sent out a search party. “What, honey?”

Daphne walked over to Mitchell and ran her hands through his hair. “You’re tired; you need to go to bed.”

Mitchell wrapped his arms around Daphne’s waist and placed his head on her stomach. “Why don’t you come with me?”

Daphne laughed. “You’re about to fall asleep, do you really think you could…” her words trailed off as she suddenly felt Mitchell’s hand cup her ass.

“Come on, Justice is napping too, you have no excuse.” Mitchell looked up at Daphne and gave her a sultry look.

Daphne grunted. “You’re too tired to listen to me talk but you’re not too tired to have sex?”

Mitchell stood, took Daphne’s hand and pulled her toward the hallway. “You can talk all you want; you’ve given me a third… or probably sixth wind.”

Daphne giggled as Mitchell’s hands worked under her top, cupping her breasts and bringing her body back against his. She felt his erection pressing into her ass and used the opposite wall to push harder against him.

“Jesus,” Mitchell growled, pushing Daphne into the bedroom. “You’re a vixen!” he yelled, slamming the door closed.

Daphne held her finger to her lips. “Shh... if you wake Justice up this is all over.”

Mitchell undressed and his eyes devoured every piece of skin Daphne revealed as she undressed. Once she lay back on the pillows and batted her dark brown eyes at him, he couldn’t hold back any longer. He quickly got into the bed and slipped his body between her open legs. “You’re so gorgeous,” he whispered before devouring her mouth.

Daphne moaned as she felt Mitchell’s hands travel down her sides, his thumbs tickled her belly and the reality crashed down onto her. “Wait,” she said, panting. “Wait.”

Mitchell slightly pulled his body away from Daphne’s and stared down her in worry, “Am I too heavy?”

“No… no…” Daphne absently rubbed her hands up and down Mitchell’s back. “Are you certain that it’s all right if we have sex?”

Mitchell’s libido was raging but he managed to harness it and answer, “Yes. Daphne, you can ask any other doctor you want and get their opinion. I know you’ve read the literature; it’s perfectly fine to make love when you’re pregnant. I would never put your life or my child’s life in danger just so we could have sex.”

“It’s just that last time I was pregnant I didn’t have sex at all, so it’s weird,” Daphne admitted.

Mitchell laughed. “Think about it this way. We have been having sex for the last two months, you’ve been pregnant the whole time, and you and the baby are healthy. There was no weirdness during it at all, was there?”

“No,” Daphne admitted. “But now that I know it’s just different.”

Mitchell let his head fall onto Daphne’s breast and mumbled, “Do you not want to do this?” Due to his demanding job and Daphne usually being asleep when he was home, or tending to Justice, they hadn’t had sex in over two weeks. It’d kill him a little bit, but he didn’t want Daphne to feel weird about their lovemaking.

Daphne thought about how much closer she and Mitchell had become since she found out she was pregnant the night of Justice’s birthday. Ever since she’d shown him the little test stick, they’d begun to reconnect and Daphne found herself falling in love with Mitchell all over again. She knew that he was working hard to support her and Justice, and she was a lucky, lucky woman to have a man that would love her and love a child that wasn’t his own as if she was. She pushed down her insecurities, ran her hands through Mitchell’s hair and whispered, “I want to do this, Mitch.”

After making love to his wife, Mitchell was even more exhausted. Daphne didn’t appear to be tired. She lay on his chest, playing with the hair around his nipples and talking, her voice soothing him to sleep until he caught her words. He stiffened and his body woke up fully.

“What’s the matter?” Daphne asked, looking up at Mitchell.

“I… you didn’t tell me you’d chosen a date to go.”

“Yes, I did,” Daphne said with certainty. “But you were zoning out on whoever you were emailing.”

“I was emailing my parents to tell them our good news,” Mitchell said defensively.

“Well, I decided upon next Friday because you said you work doubles all that weekend and I thought it’d be easiest for you. You won’t miss me so much and I won’t get aggravated about not seeing you.”

“Daphne, I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“But you’re the one who suggested it.”

“I know… but that was before…” Mitchell had almost told Daphne the truth about what he’d overheard a hundred times since that night.

He’d tried to tell her that same night, he’d planned to have the conversation with her when she came to bed but instead she’d come out of the bathroom holding a white stick in her hand, waving it around and joyfully telling him that the baby they’d been trying to conceive for the last year was coming. Mitchell hadn’t been able to tell her then. He honestly had forgotten about everything but the joy of the pregnancy the moment she told him. The next morning and every day he saw her since, she’d been so happy and he didn’t want to ruin it though he knew it was wrong. He felt like he had no choice now. Mitchell was confident that Daphne and he could work out any problems they had and they would be all right. No matter what happened. He would be the one she could count on when her own parents failed her, again.

“Daphne.” He struggled to sit up, taking his wife with him so he could look her in the eyes. “I have to tell you something.”

Daphne’s body went cold at the sudden foreboding seriousness in her husband’s voice. She closed her eyes and prayed that he wasn’t about to confess what she’d suspected but had trusted him enough not to believe. “What?” she asked, opening her eyes again and letting out a breath.

“When your parents were here,” Mitchell paused before pushing himself to continue, “I heard them fighting.”

Daphne’s shoulders dropped and she released the tension from her body. “They’re getting a divorce, aren’t they? I could tell they were keeping something from me; they’ve been acting weird for a while now. Did you hear them talking about that?”

“No… no, it’s not that. But when you and Justice were outside playing I did overhear something they’ve been keeping from you.” He placed his hands on top of Daphne’s and squeezed them. “I wanted to tell you that night but when you told me you were pregnant, it threw my mind in a totally different direction. I forgot all about it. Since then, I haven’t wanted to ruin our happiness. I have been working myself up to telling you but each time I’ve taken the coward’s way out and I lost my nerve.”

“Just tell me,” Daphne said, feeling like she was about to cry. Never had Mitchell ever appeared so sorrowful and it frightened her to her core. “Whatever it is, tell me.”

“Justin is awake.”

Daphne blinked rapidly. “Wha… what did you say?”

Mitchell swallowed and repeated, “Justin is awake. I think he’s been awake for a while.”

“And my parents haven’t told me!” Daphne yelled, pulling her hands away from Mitchell. “You heard them say this?”

“No, not exactly…you have to calm down if I’m going to tell you. I know it’s going to be hard, but I need you to think of the baby, you can’t get too worked up, all right?”

“Okay, okay,” Daphne promised her hands on Mitchell’s shoulders. “Tell me. I’m ready and I’ll stay as calm as I can, just tell me.”

He took another deep breath and prepared himself to relay the conversation as he’d heard it.
 

~~~~~~~~~~

Pittsburgh


“I’m glad Gus is going to be all right,” Michael said, rubbing Brian’s shoulder.

“Here’s to me being the craziest and most overprotective parent in the whole world!” Brian moved to clink his shot glass with Michael’s but missed when his friend moved it away.

Michael laughed. “How can you expect me to drink to that? You’ve met my mother, hell, she’s practically your mother.”

Brian downed his shot and informed his friend, “Well, where do you think I learned it from?”

Michael coughed from the whiskey burn and replied, “Good point. But really, with what you went through when Gus was a baby, I don’t blame you.”

Brian motioned to the redhead cruising him. “He must be new.”

“How could you tell?” Michael joked. “He barely looks eighteen.”

“He’s been staring at me since I walked in,” Brian explained.

“As if you’re not used to guys cruising you,” Michael scoffed.

“Mikey, in case you haven’t noticed, I’m nobody. ‘The King of Liberty Avenue’ is somebody else. I haven’t tricked since the night of the accident.”

Michael was shocked at the revelation. “What have you been doing when Cynthia or Ma has Gus?”

Brian raised his eyebrows. “Hanging out with you, duh!”

“But… but you leave early and I thought you…”

“I go home, watch porn and sleep. I’m fucking pathetic.”

“I thought you’d been going to the baths or…or I don’t know. Brian, this isn’t right. I know you’ve changed, it took me a while to get it but I do. I understand why you changed, but you can’t just…” Michael shook his head and looked at Brian worriedly. “This isn’t good for you. You know that, right?”

“Many people have survived with only their hand for relief,” Brian snarked.

“Yeah, but not you! You’re Brian Kinney!”

“I’m not the slut of Liberty Avenue anymore, Mikey.”

“You know what’s wrong with you?” Michael asked but didn’t wait for an answer. “You lack balance.”

Brian snorted. “Wow! The Nutty Professor sure is wearing off on you.”

“I’m serious,” Michael said, leaning closer to Brian. “You can’t just cut yourself off from everything that you were before Gus. That man wasn’t all that bad.”

“Really?” Brian asked, leaning back in his chair. “I doubt anyone would agree with you. You’re my best friend so of course you’d say that shit.”

“No. You’re wrong. You were and are a good man, Brian. You’re loyal and you’re always there for your friends and family when they really need you. Lindsay wouldn’t have wanted you to be Gus’ father if she didn’t think…”

“She didn’t think she’d die and leave me with him,” Brian interrupted, his voice harsh. “I wasn’t going to be his father. I was supposed to be his sperm donor, that’s all she wanted me for, my genes, and I don’t mean my diesels.”

“That’s bullshit,” Michael said, standing from his chair. “Come on, get up.”

Brian reluctantly stood beside Michael. “Already time for you to get back home to the hubby?”

Michael ignored Brian and pulled him outside with him. “We’re going to the Gravel Pit.”

“Are you fucking nuts!” Brian roared, backing away from his friend. “I fucking told you. I can’t risk that. One fucking tear in a condom and I could be on the road to leaving Gus without a parent!”

“You need to see someone,” Michael said softly. “You’re panicking about sex.”

“You don’t know shit,” Brian spat. “I’m not afraid of sex! Look who you’re talking to!”

“I don’t know shit?” Michael asked. “What about Ben?”

Brian’s mind went blank and he could come up with nothing in reply. He’d backed himself into a corner and Michael had been right, he was scared and it wasn’t right that he was. So many times people had told him, ‘you’re lucky you haven’t caught it yet’, or something similar to that. Before Gus, Brian had always ignored that. He was always safe and he didn’t consider himself lucky. Something had changed within him. It was probably the minute-to-minute fear that he felt for months on end. He had no control over Gus’ life and that had transferred into him needing to control every part of his own, and as Vic had once told him, sex was messy, and Brian didn’t want to pay the price for the clean up.

“Brian, if you don’t want to be out having anonymous sex, then maybe, and I can’t believe I’m about to say this…”

“Then don’t say it, Mikey,” Brian drawled, walking closer to the curb to hail a cab.

Michael pulled Brian back, stood on his toes and looked at Brian directly in the eyes. “You should consider dating someone.”

Brian pushed Michael away, laughing, “You’re out of your fucking mind.”

Michael refused to give up. “So what are you going to do, then? You’re just going to be celibate until you die?”

Brian groaned, “I don’t want to talk about this.” Of course he missed sex, real sex, and he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought of picking up men or going to the baths. Every time he started to put on his charm and initiate it, an inner voice screamed at him and he found himself breaking out in a cold sweat.

“Brian, look around you!” Michael yelled. He grabbed Brian’s arms when the man began literally looking around the crowded streets of Liberty Avenue. “All of your friends have found a partner; it’s the natural progression of things. Don’t you think you deserve to be as happy as we all are?”

“It isn’t only about me,” Brian voiced, his words almost whispered.

“I know that. I’m not saying you couldn’t go through the rest of your life and raise Gus alone. You could and he’d be a happy wonderful boy, but do you really want to do it alone?”

“I’m not alone, I have Cynthia and…”

“Yes, you have your family and God knows, we all love Gus, but not the way that you love him. Don’t you want to share that with someone? Wouldn’t it be wonderful to have a man in your life who loves Gus just the same as you?”

“Don’t you get it? I can’t just bring some guy into Gus’ life who will love him, who Gus will grow attached to and love in return, only to have him one day realize that raising a kid with an emotionally stunted ex-slut isn’t what he wanted. I wouldn’t be the only one that he leaves. That’s a risk I’m not willing to take.”

Michael shook his head. “You think you’re so much different from all the other single parents out there? Just because you’re gay and you had a fucked up childhood, it doesn’t mean that it’s impossible to find ‘the one’, Brian.” He ignored the snorting laugh from Brian toward his terminology and decided to bring out the big guns. “What do you think will fuck up Gus more… him becoming attached to someone who may or may not leave you both high and dry, or Gus…say, age sixteen, realizing that his father gave up on finding love because of him. I think knowing that his life denied you happiness would hurt him much worse. He’s a smart kid already, he’s going to figure it out one day and he’ll probably think that somewhere deep down you resent him for not being able to have a life of your own. True or not.”

Brian wanted to deny Michael’s predictions but there was so much truth in them he couldn’t. The loneliness he’d buried a long time ago sprung forth unbound and showed itself in tears that threatened to fall from his eyes. The city around him blurred and Brian felt like it was all closing in on him. He didn’t want Michael to be right. He didn’t want to have to take the risks. He couldn’t. Not yet. Maybe not ever and he’d make sure that Gus always knew that it wasn’t him, it was Brian’s past, his parents, they were at fault for fucking him up. Gus was at fault for renewing him and Brian couldn’t bear to allow anything or anyone close enough to hurt his child. Practically walking into the street Brian waved down a cab, slid into it as quickly as he could and fought the panic rising inside of him down, burying it as far as he could.
 

~~~~~~~~~~

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

Yesterday, while walking with his mother, Justin had remembered the dog they’d had. Spooky had died before Molly was born, so the memory was tied to one Justin had of his early childhood. Justin didn’t remember the animal’s name but he’d remembered taking a walk with his mother in the very same park and throwing a red ball for him to fetch. He had asked Jennifer where the dog was and before Jennifer could answer, another memory came, he and a girl, one he knew was his friend, but also did not know her name, playing in his backyard with the dog.

Jennifer wasn’t sure what to tell Justin about the girl he remembered so she’d called Elaine immediately once they got home. She was so scared because she knew that once Justin remembered Daphne, he may not stop remembering her and then she’d have to explain everything. Elaine decided that it was time they told Justin more about his past. She wanted to control it as much as possible to avoid an emotional and possibly violent outburst and told Jennifer to bring in a book of pictures of Justin’s childhood, hopefully some with Daphne in them.

Jennifer was hesitant to agree but she trusted Elaine. Elaine had Justin’s best interests in mind and after Craig had told her he would no longer lie to Justin when asked questions about his past, she had to agree. She brought in three photo books for them to look through under Elaine’s supervision. Two were mostly of Justin and their family, the third centered completely on Justin and his birthdays, birthday photos that usually featured Daphne Chanders.

Elaine had met with Craig and Jennifer alone a few minutes before and had explained that, as always, they were not to tell Justin anything about the experiences or persons in the pictures unless he asked for the information specifically. They were then to keep their answers as minimal as possible because as in many cases of amnesia, the brain dealt better with retrieving memories when given a small amount of information to trigger one instead of a large influx that could often crowd or overwhelm the memory retrieval. Elaine also wanted to observe what piqued Justin’s interests and what did not, to further understand what things might trigger anger or help him cope with the feelings.

Justin looked at the picture of him and the little girl and a feeling that he equated with the small tiny things he remembered flowed through him. No images came into his mind, but he could hear her voice. “She wasn’t my girlfriend?” he asked, confused at the feeling he had about her that was different from what he thought one would have for a friend. He knew he was gay, so he didn’t understand why he felt like this girl meant more to him.

“No,” Craig said softly. “Her name is Daphne Chanders, she was your best friend. You two were inseparable.”

Justin focused on grabbing the album page and turning it to the next one. The next page had four pictures. One of them had a picture of him as a little boy with the dog he remembered. “Spooky!” he exclaimed, happy to know the dog’s name.

“Yes,” Craig said, just as excited as his son. “That’s his name.”

“You remembered that?” Elaine asked.

Justin nodded at the woman and memories of seeing Spooky in a kennel flowed effortlessly into his mind. “We res…rescued him for mmmm…my birthday. Th… this one?”

“Yes,” Jennifer said encouragingly. “For your seventh birthday. That’s why he’s on this page. They are pictures of your seventh birthday.”

Justin remembered that his mother had Spooky on a leash waiting for him to get off the bus at the corner of their block. On their way home, Spooky collapsed and his mother told him that the dog had probably had a heart attack as their veterinarian told them might happen when they found out that Spooky had a bad heart. Justin had helped carry the dog back home and he sobbed for a long time, petting poor Spooky where he lay in his dog bed until his dad told him that it was time to say goodbye. He’d helped his dad dig Spooky’s grave in their backyard by the back garden and when his mom covered up all the dirt, she had Justin pick flowers from her garden to put on his grave and sprinkled grass seed on top of the small mound.

“You okay, Justin?” Craig asked, placing his hand on Justin’s arm when he saw his son biting his lower lip.

Justin turned to look at his dad, tears swimming in his eyes. “We buried h…him.”

“We did,” Craig confirmed, gently pulling Justin into a hug. He closed his eyes and barely stopped himself from crying when Justin’s arms tightly wrapped around him and he began to cry.

“I mmmissss h… him, Daddy,” Justin wept.

“Me too,” Craig said, choking up. He wanted to tell Justin that he missed him more than the dog they only had for a few years. He missed his son. The boy who made him sit perfectly still so he could sketch him. The young man that had told him that he wouldn’t be going to Dartmouth, that he’d be going to art school, because he was determined to defy the odds and make a living being an artist, because he could never be an unhappy businessman like him. He wanted his beautiful, strong son back and hoped like crazy that this was the beginning.

Justin cried, “I’m tired.”

“It’s late,” Craig said, patting Justin’s back. “Do you want to go home now?”

“Yes,” Justin spoke, extracting himself from his father’s arms.

“Mr. Taylor, we still have thirty minutes to go before the end of the session. Justin is getting his memory back and I think we should continue while he’s showing signs of improvement,” Elaine suggested this but left no room for argument in her tone.

Craig stood and offered Justin his hand, who immediately took it and stood, wobbling a little against him until Craig wrapped his arm around his waist. “He’s exhausted. His physical condition is just as important as his mental condition and it’s time he gets some rest. We can look at pictures at home when he’s ready again before next week’s appointment.”

“No,” Jennifer protested. “We need to do this under Elaine’s supervision in case Justin gets upset.”

“He’s upset now and he isn’t violent,” Craig said, angrily. “Stop talking about him as if he isn’t standing right here.”

“Mr. Taylor, I don’t think it’s appropriate for you to decide…”

“He’s my son, and I think it will be Justin’s decision what he wants to do from now on. He’s a man, not a little boy.”

“He may be a man, Mr. Taylor, but his mental capacity is at times that of a five-year-old,” Elaine shot back. “You can’t understand how he may react…”

“S… stop!” Justin yelled. He glared at the woman. “I know my own m…m….mind! I am not five!” A searing pain raced from the back of his skull and into his eyes, causing his knees to buckle as he put his hands on his ears.

“Is it a headache?” Craig asked softly, holding Justin upright against him.

“Mmmnnnnahh,” Justin moaned as the pain became a beating noise. “Daddy,” he cried.

“Oh Justin,” Jennifer gasped, standing up to see to her son. “Are you all right?”

“I can give him something,” Elaine suggested. “A pain reliever.”

Jennifer shook her head and grabbed Justin’s hand, squeezing it. “No, we need to get him home. He has meds there.”

Craig sighed in relief, glad Jennifer wasn’t going to fight him about leaving. “Come on, Justin we’ll get you home.”

Justin clutched onto Craig’s arm as he walked, each step making the pounding in his head worse. He was tired, so tired and he wanted to go home and have his parents tuck him in so he could sleep and forget about Elaine’s stupid words. Just because he couldn’t verbalize everything he wanted to say, just because he couldn’t walk right or talk right, it didn’t mean he was a baby.
 

~~~~~~~~~~

Wednesday, July 9, 2003

Daphne helped Justice put on her Pull-Up and helped her find the armholes for her princess nightgown. “Where’d you go,” she joked, pretending not to be able to pull the gown over her daughter’s head.

Justice giggled in delight until her head poked through, her freshly washed and dried hair sticking up in all directions. “Found me!”

Daphne gathered Justice in her arms and patted her hair into place. “Go tell Pa goodnight.”

“I’m right here,” Mitchell said, walking into Justice’s room. He picked the little girl up and kissed all over her face before placing her in her little bed. “Goodnight, Justice.” He held his hand out for Daphne to grasp to stand up and kissed her cheek. “Thanks for doing bath duty, I really needed that nap.”

“No problem.” Daphne shrugged and stepped away from Mitchell, hoping her daughter wouldn’t notice the chill she was giving her ‘Pa’. She bent down, covered Justice and handed Justice her favorite stuffed animal. Before Justin had known he was gay, he and Daphne had played at being boyfriend and girlfriend in second grade. At the school fair Justin had won the stuffed dog for Daphne at the go-fish game and soon after Justice was born, Daphne had given it to her daughter. “Goodnight, sweetheart.”

“Nigh-night, Mommy, nigh-Pa,” she said tiredly, waving her little fist at her parents. She kissed the dog and mumbled, “Nigh-night, Spooky.”

Daphne turned off the light and didn’t have to look behind her to know Mitchell was following her into the living room instead of going back to sleep as she’d hoped. She had done her best to avoid the man since Monday, trying to come to terms with the betrayals she felt and had directed toward him. She had rationalized it by telling herself that Mitchell should have told her about Justin sooner, but deep down she knew that he had probably been in turmoil too and she had taken her pain solely out on him. He’d grown distant after that and she was terrified that Mitchell would leave her.

You’re just as bad as my parents, she’d said. “Are you that afraid of me leaving you for him? I could always sense that you were jealous of him but I never realized how much.” Daphne shook her head as she recalled her reaction to him pleading for her to forgive his omission. Mitchell had denied any jealousy on his part and had tearfully begged her to calm down and remember he loved her but she hadn’t wanted to hear that. Her brain had been in overdrive, cultivating the betrayal she felt toward her parent’s actions and heaping it onto her husband. “I hope that Justice never finds out that you kept her from her father. She’ll never forgive you if she does.”

Daphne sat down on the sofa and put her face in her hands, scrubbing at her itchy tear-filled eyes. “Mitchell,” she whispered, brokenly.

Mitchell cautiously sat down beside his wife and placed his hand on her knee, squeezing it gently. “Daphne, I’m sorry.”

Daphne took her hands away from her face and put both over Mitchell’s hand. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. The things I said to you,” she cleared her throat, “were horrible. I’m the one who has done something that is unforgivable. You’ve been the best husband and father I could have ever dreamed of having for me and Justice and I…”

“You’re forgiven,” Mitchell interrupted, his words inside a breath of relief.

“But I… how can you just forgive me like that?” Daphne asked in disbelief. “I’ve been putting you through hell since you told me and I had no right to do that. It was my parents who have been lying to me, my parents who have betrayed me and you’re the one who has always stuck by me, you saved me from raising my daughter alone, from feeling unloved and…”

“You’ve given me more than I can ever repay, love. And, you were not wrong in being pissed with me. I did lie to you. I may have had my reasons, reasons I still believe were right, but all the same, I kept it from you and I kept Justice from being with her father. You’re right about that.”

Daphne shook her head in protest. “It’s not like I could’ve hopped on a plane and visited him that night you found this out. I haven’t even told Justice that Justin is awake and I’ve known for days. Mitchell, I have no idea how I am going to do this.”

“You haven’t contacted the Taylors?”“

“You know, I could’ve contacted them before now. You realize that, right?”

“Sure, but your parents…”

“I don’t even want to call them that anymore. Look what they’ve done with my life? Look what they’ve done to Justice and to Justin. I don’t even know how long he’s been awake, but I know he’s missed knowing his daughter and it’s their fault. It isn’t your fault and I know you’re not jealous of Justin. I should never have said that. It was stupid.”

“Not entirely,” Mitchell admitted. “Of course I’m jealous of Justin but not in any way that would make me not want you and Justice to have him in your lives. He has all this history with you that I’ll never have, he knows a part of you that I don’t think I ever will, but that jealousy doesn’t mean I’d ever keep him from you or want to keep him from being a father to Justice.”

“I wish you could go with me,” Daphne said. “I’m not going to tell my parents I’m even going there. If in fact Jennifer and Craig don’t want me around, I don’t want them tipping them off and me missing seeing Justin. If I just show up at the door, you never know, he might answer and he might remember me. I have no idea how it’s going to go but I wish that you could be there beside me.”

“Then I’ll go with you,” Mitchell said firmly, wrapping his arm around Daphne and kissing her. “I want to be beside you, forever.”

Daphne flung her arms around Mitchell’s neck and took comfort in his words. “This is going to be really hard. I have no idea what we’re going to be walking into when we get there.” And that was the scariest part. Daphne didn’t know what to believe about who Justin was and what he remembered. She couldn’t rely on any information her parents had said, even when they didn’t think, they could be heard. There was no way to know what to believe and she wasn’t going to confront them about any of it until she saw Justin for herself.
 

~~~~~~~~~~

Friday, July 11, 2003

Brian pulled the car to a stop by the curb in front of the large home, shut off the GPS and dialed Cynthia. “I need you to do me a favor,” he said once she answered.

“Aren’t you supposed to be at the realtors?” Cynthia asked.

“Yes, well…”

“Brian, don’t make excuses,” Cynthia said. “You need to do this.”

“I…”

“You need a house. Just because you hated everything that Leah woman showed you, does not mean there isn’t something out there that is perfect for your swanky tastes and for Gus’ needs.”

Brian asked in an aggravated tone, “Can I talk now?”

Cynthia sighed, “Yes.”

“I wasn’t going to have you cancel the appointment. I know that what Leah Lowry was showing me was just a bunch of high-priced condominiums and apartments that her office was pushing at every potential buyer they could find. I was the one that fired her, remember?”

“Yes, I do,” Cynthia said. “And I also recall you telling me that you were so aggravated that you wanted to just call the whole thing off, which is why I gave you the number to the realtor Nathan and I used. You should’ve used her in the first place.”

“Using Leah Lowry got us her father’s account, didn’t it?”

“So even though I bitched, in retrospect it was worth the profits. I happen to be sitting in my car outside of the address you gave me but I think my GPS fucked up.”

Cynthia laughed. “Are you sitting in front of a large brick house, emaculate landscaping, with orange gardenias lining the driveway winds around the back of the house?”

“Yes.”

“Her office is a converted pool house behind her home. Sorry, I should’ve told you that.”

“All right, I’m pulling in now. See you back at the office around four.” Brian closed his cell phone and drove the car around the house, parking in front of the small building where the driveway ended. A ‘Taylor Realty’ sign hung above the door and as Brian looked around the large picture perfect yard, he hoped that Jennifer Taylor could find him something a little less cookie-cutter.

Upon Nathan’s suggestion, he’d taken pictures of his loft and printed off images from the computer of other homes he liked so that the realtor could get a feel for his tastes. Brian grabbed the folder containing the pictures and slid out of the vehicle. He glanced at his watch and saw he was about fifteen minutes early. The traffic had been surprisingly non-existent driving out to the suburbs, which was odd for a Friday afternoon, but he wasn’t complaining. Brian opened the door to the pool house and stepped inside.

In front of him was a small hallway, and to his right a tiny office was set up, a bell on the desk with a small sign which red, ‘ring please’. Brian walked over to the desk and tapped his finger on the bell twice. He saw the nameplate for the realtor on the wall and a beautiful abstract painting hung in the middle of framed licenses and diplomas. The painting featured a man’s back hunched over, the bright colors used to portray the image did nothing to brighten the lonely feeling he could see painted within it.

“Hi.”

Brian practically jumped out of his skin at the sudden voice coming from beside him. So lost in the painting, he hadn’t paid attention the footsteps coming from down the hall. He turned to reply the greeting but lost his ability to speak when he came face-to-face with a young man.

“H…here for Jennifer Taylor?”

Brian stared at the young blond in disbelief. He’d known the kid's name was Justin Taylor, but Taylor was a very common last name so he hadn’t thought for a moment that Jennifer Taylor could be his mother. Kicking himself for his lack of speech, he finally answered Justin’s question. “Yes. I have a 12:00 appointment. I’m running early, sorry. I’m Brian Kinney,” he introduced himself.

“I’m Justin Taylor. My mom…sh…she’s…” Justin closed his eyes for a second before opening them, feeling more pressure than usual to speak correctly in front of the gorgeous man before him. “She w…will be a little late.” He let out a deep breath and walked carefully toward the desk, taking a seat in his mother’s chair and gesturing for the man to sit in one of the chairs in front of the desk. “Sit down, please? I can keep you c…company until my mom g…gets back in a few m…mmm minutes.”

Brian walked over and sat in one of the wooden chairs, unable to keep his eyes off Justin; it was amazing seeing him awake. There was such a large difference in his appearance now from what he looked like at the hospital. Brian hadn’t had to do a double take at the carnival to know it was Justin, but seeing him up close, he was able to appreciate how healthy he now looked. “So you’re Jennifer’s son?”

Justin nodded and tried to think of something to say that would continue the conversation. It was so hard for him to grasp what subjects to talk about were wrong and which ones were right. According to his mother, the psychiatrists and therapists, he seemed to get it wrong half of the time. They were always reminding him of what was appropriate or asking him why he thought to talk of something that they called, ‘off topic’ or told him his comment was ‘out of nowhere’. He took a deep breath and focused. The man was there so his mother could help him buy a new home, so Justin thought of questions that could relate to that and chose one. “Do you w…want to buy a house, ap…ap…apartment or c…c…condo?”

“A house,” Brian answered, offhandedly, too busy taking in the man across from him. He saw that Justin’s eyes were deep sapphire; his skin no longer had a gray hue and looked like creamy porcelain. The doctors had shaved Justin’s hair off and it had grown back a little during the time Brian read to him. Now, it was longer, choppy and in need of a trim. It was good to see the young man who he’d not only read to, but also who unknowingly gave him comfort while he confessed things he’d never tell another soul. However, as he noticed at the carnival, he again felt like there was something a little off with Justin. He hadn’t known him before he was hurt, but Brian sensed that something about him was different but he couldn’t pinpoint what that was.

Justin began to feel uncomfortable under the man’s gaze and chastised himself for not listening to his mother. He didn’t know what he was supposed to say to the man. He had thought this would be a good test, talking to a stranger without his mother or father looking on, but as he felt his heart rate speed up he knew it was a horrible idea. He’d never be able to show his mother that he was a man if he couldn’t take people staring at him oddly, which they probably always would, without getting upset over it. “What k…kind of…of…house?”

“Is something wrong?” Brian asked, noticing Justin’s stuttering, and worried that the young man had noticed him staring. He didn’t want to make Justin feel uncomfortable, and due to the reason for his hospitalization, he knew it probably had some lasting effects and this was probably what was ‘off’ about Justin.

The concern in the smooth voice triggered an instant calm inside of Justin and he found himself relaxing in his chair. “No.” He gave the man a half-smile and noticed some pictures poking out of a folder in the man’s hand. “Can I see the pictures?”

Brian handed the folder over. “Are you your mother’s assistant?”

Justin hesitated before opening the folder. “No. I like art and architecture.” He drew out the photo he’d seen sticking out and put it on the desk in front of him. “I love the w…w…wooden,” he paused and concentrated on his words, “beams. They are like a frame for a painting, but in architecture the painting is a room in th…this case.”

“That’s an interesting perspective,” Brian said thoughtfully. “I think I’d…”

The door behind Brian opened and heturned to see a blond woman step inside. “Justin, what are you doing in here?”

Justin stood up from his chair and awkwardly walked toward his mother. “I thought I would g…give your c…client some company while he waited.”

Jennifer’s face turned beet red as she looked over at Brian apologetically. “I’m sorry for running late,” she said, offering her hand to shake. “I’m Jennifer Taylor.”

Brian shook the woman’s clammy hand. “It’s nice to meet you and it was no problem, Justin and I were discussing the photos Nathan suggested I bring along.”

Jennifer turned and gave Justin a disapproving look before turning back to Brian. “My daughter is attending a day camp and she got sick. My husband couldn’t pick her up so I had to run and get her, I hope you don’t mind.”

“Really, it’s no problem. I was actually a little early myself,” Brian replied. “It was nice to speak to your son while I waited,” he added, knowing that the woman seemed unhappy about her son being in her office and not exactly understanding why.

“Would you mind giving me just another moment?” Jennifer asked him.

“No,” Brian said, glancing at his watch. “I’m not needed back at the office until four.”

Jennifer nodded and motioned for Justin to follow her outside.

Justin flushed with embarrassment as he made his way out the door, turning to tell Brian, “It was nice to meet you,” before closing it behind him.

After a few minutes of waiting, Brian felt a chill race up and down his spine, startled when he heard the woman’s voice outside.

“Why did you take the note I left him off the door, Justin?”

“I… I was going to…”

“You promised me you wouldn’t leave the house,” Jennifer interrupted angrily. “I told you I’d only be gone for an hour and you said you didn’t want to come along so I trusted you.”

“But I… I was sw…swinging and he pulled up and…”

“I left him a note asking him to go inside the office and make himself comfortable. You took that note off the door, didn’t you?”

“It blew away,” Justin said. “I t..t...tr...tried to put it back!”

“Well you didn’t have to go in there and talk to him. That man is a stranger and he could’ve done anything to you if he had noticed that you’re not right!”

“I just wanted to t..t…t…talk to him!” Justin yelled back. “Why don’t you w…want me to talk to people?”

“Because people will take advantage of you, they’ll hurt you and they’ll say things to you that you don’t understand,” Jennifer answered, her voice soft now. “Now go inside and say hi to Molly, but I want you to leave her alone after that.”

“W…why?”

“You know why,” Jennifer said sadly. “Just go in your room and read. You got the new Harry Potter book from the library right?”

“I don’t want to r….read, Mommy. I want to go talk to Mr. Kinney. He…he wasn’t doin’ anything wrong and I didn’t say anything wrong. P…please let me just talk to him. He w…was being nice and he d…didn’t… didn’t be m…mean like everyone else!” Justin cried. “Even…even you’re…mm…mean. J…just like the boys at the park ‘cause you don’t think I’m a man. You think I’m a stupid…faggot!”

“Justin!” Jennifer gasped. “That isn’t what I think!”

“You do!” Justin yelled back and hustled down the porch steps, rushing as fast as he could toward his tree house.

When Jennifer walked back inside a few minutes later, doing her best to look composed and unaffected, Brian was finding it difficult to look at the woman who was obviously so ashamed of her son and he could not imagine why. She obviously didn’t realize that he had heard them. From the window, he’d seen them on the back porch of the house, which was quite far from the pool house. Nevertheless, Brian had heard every word and he didn’t know if he could stomach keeping his mouth shut, not after such a passionate plea for acceptance from Justin.

“I’m so sorry to keep you waiting,” Jennifer said, walking around behind her desk. “My son suffers from…”

“Post traumatic stress disorder?” Brian interrupted in a clipped tone.

“Well yes but also…” Jennifer paused and gasped. “You’re the one… you’re the man who read to Justin.”

Brian nodded. “Almost every night while my son was in the NICU. I’d wondered about him and had asked one of the nurses about him after Gus was released, but they told me Justin had been moved to a rehabilitation facility when he woke up.”

“Yes,” Jennifer said, sitting down in her chair. “He’s still recovering.”

“I noticed that the PTSD causes him to be nervous,” Brian observed.

“It isn’t just PTSD,” Jennifer said, frowning. “He…”

“Why did you talk to him that way?” Brian asked. He didn’t care if the woman thought it was none of his business, he wanted to know why she treated her son as though he were a child to be controlled.

“He wasn’t supposed to be in my office,” Jennifer replied.

“I heard you two,” Brian told her. “I heard what you said to him on the porch, your voices carried.”

Jennifer flushed and sat up straight. “Mr. Kinney, I beg your pardon, but my son isn’t any of your business. If you’d like to discuss your house hunt we can begin, otherwise, I understand if you want to leave. I won’t make apologies for my son’s behavior to anyone.”

Brian shook his head and rose from his chair. “You have nothing to apologize for except for your own behavior.”

“Excuse me?”

Brian walked over to the door. “I know that he was bashed and I know that he may be suffering from PTSD, but that’s no reason to treat him like a child and to blatantly act so ashamed of him, especially in front of a client. I think I’ll find myself another realtor.” He walked out and closed the door before the woman could say anything further. Fuming inside at the lack of care the woman showed toward her son’s feelings.

“Brian?”

Brian saw Justin’s head sticking out around the corner of the pool house, his eyes red-rimmed from crying. He knew what it felt to have your own mother cast you aside and he felt sorry for the young man. “Yes, Justin?”

Justin stepped in full view of Brian and glanced around nervously. “I heard what you s…said,” he whispered.

Brian walked over to him. “Spying on us, were you?”

Justin nodded, unable to meet Brian’s eyes. “Can I talk to you?”

Brian could feel the loneliness that coated each of Justin’s words. “I don’t think your mother wants me to talk to you.”

Justin looked up sharply. “I don’t care.”

Brian smirked. “Where do you want to talk? I noticed there’s a park over…”

Justin’s eyes widened and then he frowned. “M...my mom will say no.”

Brian scoffed. “You’re an adult. You're over eighteen, right?” Brian thought Justin looked young, but he remembered seeing birthday cards with the number 18 on them sitting in Justin's hospital room.

“But she said I can’t go by…by myself.”

“You won’t be by yourself. You’ll be with me.” Knowing that Jennifer could hear exactly what they were saying he told him, “I think that if your mother wants to be my realtor and make a massive amount of money from selling me a house and selling my loft she would probably consider allowing you to come for a walk with me. She has my phone number in case of an emergency, so there isn’t any reason to think I’d take advantage of you walking a few blocks away. Besides, she trusted me to sit in your room and read to you when you were in a coma.”

Justin looked down at his clothes and silently thanked his father for buying him a new pair of jeans and t-shirt when they went shopping yesterday. He looked back up at Brian. “I’ll go see.”

Brian waited for Justin and gave him an encouraging nod before Justin went inside the office. It was only a few minutes before he came back out, smiling.

“I can go b…but I have therapy at three and I h…have to go inside and g…get my cane. I’m not supposed to be w…walking without it so mmm…much.”

“All right, I’ll meet you at the end of the driveway,” Brian replied. It was less likely that Jennifer would follow him all the way to the front of the house to give him the third degree. As he reached the end of the driveway and looked back up at the large house, he started to mull over what he had just done. There was absolutely no excuse for him acting so out of character.

Just because he read to Justin in the hospital, it didn’t mean that he had to protect him from his own mother, and the need to do so is what had prompted him to yell at the woman. It had come so naturally and Brian figured that a lot of it had to do with Gus. He’d spent many nights worrying over Gus and his health and thinking about what he would do if Gus had any mental or physical disabilities. He had always promised himself that he would never be ashamed or try to hide Gus away from the world. Even if he was overprotective of him, there was a difference. As he contemplated this, he realized that the promise he’d made to himself had been the underlying cause for saying what he had to Jennifer.

However, that didn’t exactly explain why he so readily agreed to go on a walk and talk with Justin. Talk, something he really wasn’t fond of doing with strangers, and that’s exactly what Justin was, a stranger. So what the fuck was he doing?

As Justin walked around the corner of the house, giving Brian a huge bright smile, his stomach twisted with knots and his heart rate accelerated. This feeling was so strange to him, that Brian didn’t know if he had suddenly come down with a bug and was sick. As Justin got closer and the wind blew around them, sending Justin’s scent into Brian’s nostrils and causing the same reaction within him, Brian recalled a conversation he’d had with Michael when he first met Ben. Michael had told him that when he was without Ben for a long period and saw him again, he felt ‘lovesick’. Why Brian was thinking about that at that moment scared the piss out of him and he wanted to excuse himself and get the fuck out away from Justin but he couldn’t move.

“I’m r…ready,” Justin said, grabbing onto Brian’s elbow.

Something in Justin’s touch settled Brian and before he knew it, he was walking with Justin across the street, headed toward the park.
 

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