No More Mio Amore

Chapter 9 “Baby’s First”

October 28, 1999

“When you said you wanted me to go shopping with you, this was the last place I thought you’d take me.” Michael shuddered.

Brian laughed. “Believe me Mikey. Two months ago I would’ve sent you to the loony bin if you even suggested it.”

Michael picked up a tiny pink, ruffled dress. “God. I bet my mother would love to put a kid in this.” He put it back on the rack and uninterestedly followed Brian around the store.

“Thankfully Gus is a boy,” Brian replied in a grateful tone. “But that didn’t stop your Mom. She showed up at the hospital last week with the most horrendous tie-dyed rainbow onesie.”

“A whatzie?”

Brian picked up a white version of the item off a table and held it up for Mikey to see. “This, a onesie.”

“Brian, do me a favor and never say that word again,” Michael joked.

Brian laughed and walked toward a display of Halloween themed clothing. His eyes zeroed in on a small Dalmatian costume. “Too big,” he whispered sadly.

“He shouldn’t even have his 1st Halloween yet,” Michael, commented, patting Brian’s back.

Brian turned toward Michael. He spoke quietly, “At least he’s reached his first Halloween. There were times I didn’t think he’d make it to today. I still worry about him making it to Christmas.”

“He will, Brian. You said he reached four pounds today right?”

Brian swallowed the lump in his throat and fingered the outfit’s soft material. “Yeah, he did. Now I have to worry about his eye test they’re giving him this afternoon. There’s a possibility he may have sustained ROP. They’ve been worried about that since his birth but they wanted to wait until he matured before testing for it.”

“What is…?”

“That’s a very sweet costume?” a sales assistant interrupted.

Brian turned toward the woman and hung the outfit back up. “Yeah. But it’s much too big for my son.”

“That’s a newborn size,” the woman said softly. “Costume’s look much bigger than…”

“He’s a preemie,” Brian interrupted. “He only weighs four pounds. He’s… he’s in the NICU.”

“Well you’re in luck,” the woman smiled. “I just received a box of items from the same maker of that costume. I believe there’s a preemie version of this costume. Would you like me to look in back for you?” She didn’t wait for Brian to answer before she started walking into the office area.

“Yes, thank you,” Brian called after her, happy that his son would be able to dress up for his first Halloween. He hadn’t ever believed in celebrating holidays, only accomplishments, but each day of Gus’ life was an accomplishment. More than that, Brian wanted to give his son everything denied to him as a child. He never wanted Gus to feel like he was different from other children. There was a possibility Brian faced that no matter what, Gus could be. Celebrating Halloween like millions of other American children was one way Brian could make the beginning of Gus’ life have some normalcy to it.

“What’s that ROP test?” Michael asked.

“It means retinopathy of prematurity,” Brian told him.

“And that is?” Mikey prompted.

“You wouldn’t want the technical explanation Mikey,” Brian laughed.

Mikey huffed. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know.”

Brian simplified the answer. “It’s basically an eye test to see if his eyes developed properly or if he has a disease that premature babies are susceptible to get.”

“What happens if he has the disease?” Mikey asked softly.

“The worst form can cause blindness or he may need to wear glasses.”

“You have twenty-twenty vision right?”

“Yeah, but it isn’t inherited. I mean, this isn’t something you can overcome by having good genes. Gus’ problems aren’t because Lindsay did something wrong while she was pregnant and they’re not there because of bad genes. He was born early, Michael. That’s why I have to be there all the time. He was born so early that every single day could be his last,” Brian whispered. “He’s so fragile. One wrong move could dislocate his shoulder. Too much formula could cause him to drown in his own vomit because he doesn’t have the reflex developed to spit up. I wish you’d come and see him, he looks like a baby now.”

“Here you go,” the sales clerk walked back over to them. Once again, innocently interrupting the intense conversation between Brian and Mikey.

Brian looked at the outfit. “This is nice. It wraps around like blanket.”

“And the little hat is adorable,” the woman pointed out.

Brian chuckled. “Yeah. It is.”

“Can I help you find anything else?”

“No, I’ll just take this for today.”

“Okay. Follow me to the register.”

The woman rang up the outfit. “You know, I do work on commission but I thought you might want to take this supplier’s card. They allow a select list of clients to buy directly from the website. They specialize in what they call ‘designer’ children’s clothing. You look like the sort of man that would appreciate their site.”

Brian laughed and looked down at his jeans and sweater. “What makes you say that? I’m wearing a pair of old jeans and a sweater.”

“Well,” the woman let her gaze travel up and down Brian’s body. “That pair of jeans isn’t really old. They’re diesel and my guess is that they are made to look worn. And that sweater is Prada.”

Brian smirked. “You’re good.” He handed the woman his credit card for her to scan and then quickly signed his name on the receipt.

“I know. I’m Andrea by the way.” She handed Brian a card. “When you go to the website it’ll ask for a code to buy a la carte. Enter in my name and you’ll be able to navigate and order whatever you want. I’ll call the supplier and let her know.”

“Thank you,” Brian said. He pocketed the card and grabbed the bag with Gus’ costume. “I really appreciate that. Come on, Mikey.”

Mikey followed Brian out of the store, his brown eye wide with absolute surprise. Once they were outside in the cool air he gushed, “You were nice to her!”

Brian shrugged. “Yeah.” He continued to walk to his jeep.

“You took a card for BABY clothes.”

Brian turned toward Michael and put his hands on his friend’s shoulders. “Mikey. I don’t expect you to understand. But listen to me. Are you listening?”

“Yes, Christ, Brian! I’m listening.”

Brian leaned his forehead against Michael’s and stared into his eyes. “I’d do anything for my child. Okay?”

“I know, Brian, but buying baby clothes!”

Brian released the man and unlocked the passenger door to the jeep. He got in on the other side, laughing to himself. It was pretty hilarious. But, he couldn’t wait to see Gus in his little outfit.

Michael got in the car and sighed. “You like this being a dad thing, huh?”

Brian started the car and headed in the direction of the big Q. “Yeah Mikey. I do. Sometimes though it really sucks.”

“Then why don’t you give him to another family, Brian. I’m not saying this to hurt you, but… do you really think you can do this?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah. I do think I can do it. Cynthia’s helping me, the doctors, nurses and volunteers are great. Sometimes I want to quit, Mikey. You have no idea how many times I’ve just wanted to tell them to let Gus rest. However, he’s a fighter and so am I. Lindsay wanted me to take care of him. I want to be his father. We just have to get past all the hard stuff first.”

Mikey grinned. “You think parenthood is going to get easier?”

Brian laughed too. “It’ll be a breeze compared to the last two months, Mikey. Believe me.”

“You’re going to have to change everything. You can’t go out partying anymore.”

“I know, Mikey. Everything already has changed.”

Mikey fell silent for the rest of the ride to his work. He had a lot of thinking to do. When the pulled into the parking lot he grabbed his friend into a hug and gave him a small, quick kiss. “You need anything you call me okay?”

Brian smiled. “Yeah. You’re still going to pick up my laundry from your Mom tomorrow, right?”

Michael laughed. “Yeah. And I’ll pay the water bill too.”

“Fucking Water Company is from the dark ages. What institution in these times doesn’t allow you to pay by credit card?”

“Apparently the water department,” Michael laughed. “I’ll see you tomorrow for lunch.”

“Yeah, you’re borrowing Deb’s car and meeting me at my place right?”

“Yup.”

“Thanks for coming today, Mikey.”

“Just make sure you get a picture of Gus in that for Ma to see.”

“You guys can come up there on Halloween if you want. You don’t work Sunday, do you?”

“Yeah, I have off work. You sure? You want us there?”

“Yeah,” Brian decided. “Just… just can you and Deb try not cry about how small and tiny he is. I don’t… I don’t need to hear that, okay?”

“Sure, Brian. I’ll talk to Ma tomorrow about it.”

“Bye, Mikey.”

Mikey was about to close the jeep’s door when he stopped and spoke, “Give my nephew a kiss for me.”

Brian grinned. “I will.”

****

October 31, 1999

“He’s just the cutest fucking baby I’ve ever seen!” Debbie bellowed.

“Quiet Ma, you’re going to wake up the other babies,” Michael chided.

Brian laughed. “It’s all right. The other parents understand we’re excited.”

Debbie handed Brian an orange gift bag. “Here you go, sweetie.”

“What’s this?” Brian wondered looking inside.

“It’s a gift from me and Ma.” Michael grinned and watched Brian pull out one of the two orange envelopes inside the bag.

Brian opened the envelope and smiled while he read the card. “For my nephew.” He opened the inside. “Happy 1st Halloween Punkin’.”

Cynthia leaned over Brian’s shoulder and looked at the card that had a picture of a baby ghost on it. “That’s really sweet, Michael.”

“Yeah, Mikey, thank you.” Brian gave his friend a hug.

“Mine’s the other one,” Debbie told Brian.

Brian grinned at his surrogate mother and opened the other card. He cleared his throat and read the outside, “It's Your 1st Halloween, Grandson. Your very first pumpkin, your very first ''BOO!" Your very first autumn and first costume, too...” Brian laughed and flipped the card open. “Though you may be too small for your first candy corn. You've been sweeter than that since the day you were born. Love, Grandma.”

Debbie took Brian in her arms and rubbed his back. She whispered, “You’ve done good, kiddo.”

Brian smiled and nodded, at Debbie as he extracted himself from her embrace. He was awash with emotions and he had to put up a tough fight against the tears that swum in his eyes. “Thank you,” he said gruffly and pulled out the first tissue wrapped present. “I wouldn’t have thought they made things like this.”

“That’s adorable, Debbie,” Cynthia commented.

“Mikey picked the rattle out. The other gift is from me, Brian.”

“Thank you, Mikey,” Brian replied.

“It’s been washed in that special detergent you wanted me to use for his baby clothes,” Debbie told him. “It should be fine to put in with him now.”

Brian lifted the incubator’s lid, shook the rattle beside his son’s sleeping head, and then laid it beside him. “That’s from your Uncle Mikey, Sonnyboy.” He ran his fingers over Gus’ cheek and closed the lid.

Cynthia, always camera ready, took a picture of Gus with his new rattle.

Brian opened the other present in the bag. “Thank you, Deb.”

“I know he won’t be able to play with it for some time but…”

“He’ll love it when he can.” Brian opened the top of the plush pumpkin and looked at all the small plush autumn themed toys inside.

“I got Gus something too,” Cynthia said. She went over to her bag, pulled out the toy, and handed it to Brian.

“Thanks, Cyn, you know you didn’t have to.”

“I wanted to. You don’t think it’s girly, do you?”

Brian laughed. “No definitely not.” He sat both stuffed toys on the counter behind Gus’ incubator. “Thanks for making today special for my son,” he directed toward the three adults. “He may not remember it but I will.”

“And I’ll show him his little album when he gets older,” Cynthia supplied. “Though it’s going to be hard to decide what pictures to put in it.”

Brian laughed. “You’ve already taken a hundred of them.”

“Try two hundred,” Cynthia said sheepishly.

“Would you mind making me a few copies,” Debbie asked the woman.

“Of course,” Cynthia replied, grinning.

“Me too,” Michael asked.

“Of course,” Cynthia said.

“Hi, I hope I’m not interrupting anything,” Dr. Rhine came over to Gus’ family.

Brian turned toward the woman. “No, is something wrong?”

“No. Things are fine. I just came over to tell you about Gus’ test results. Is it okay to discuss this now?”

Brian nodded. “Yeah. This is Debbie and my best friend Michael.”

Dr. Rhine greeted, “It’s nice to have you here. Gus and Brian need all the support of their family and friends they can get.”

Debbie flushed, feeling guilty. “We’re glad to be here for him.”

“So Gus’ results have come back very positive. I’ve talked with the rest of the team and got their assessment and we’re confident that he has reached every milestone he would have if he were still in utero.”

Brian let out a long sigh. “What about his length?”

“Gus grew an inch in about two weeks Brian. He’s been steady in his length growth. Many preemies have not reached this length at the gestational age of 35 weeks. We will continue to keep an eye on his bone growth. I have to remind you that if Gus were gestational, he would be ahead of the statistics for a baby only at 32 weeks. His skin is getting pinker and thicker and his hair is growing too. These are all wonderful accomplishments. And, probably the biggest thing, your attentive care, has helped make Gus alert and more aware of you. It’s obvious that he recognizes your voice and when he cries, he’s calling out for you, not the nurses. This is what we’ve always wanted. You’ve done a wonderful job, Brian, and Gus is doing wonderfully because of you, you should pat yourself on the back for that.”

Brian wiped the tears that streamed from his eyes, grabbed Cynthia into his arms, and patted her back. “You deserve one too.”

Michael looked at his friend and felt a new sense of realization hit him.
 

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