No More Mio Amore

Chapter 5 “Boy oh Boy”

 

Thursday September 30, 1999

Proud, Brian smiled as he watched his son’s eyes rapidly moving in sleep under his eyelids. Gus lay in the plastic crib, wrapped in a blanket because the lid was removed. This rapid movement was a sign of good, healthy, brain activity. Corrine, the Nutritionist assigned to Gus, instructed him how to hold the little syringe of ‘food’ attached to the feeding tube. This week marked the beginning of Brian becoming an active participant in his son’s care in the NICU Unit 2 room.

Gus’ medical team had all agreed a few days before that it was time to move Gus into the Unit 2 NICU room. Gus’ lungs had improved dramatically ever since he had been receiving the small doses of Sildenafil. The improvements with his body had kept coming in the days leading up to the decision. Gus gained a sufficient amount of weight and length and his eyes stayed open for longer periods of wakefulness.

The NICU 2 room gave more privacy for the family. Curtains separated each child’s section. Brian and Cynthia did not have to make use of the scrubs when entering, so they were both much more comfortable in their own clothes, though scrubbing down before hand continued to be encouraged. The changes may have seemed to be small and insignificant, but to Brian and Cynthia it meant a lot.

Gus’ area contained a ‘Daddy chair’ that Brian had found to be much more comfortable than the one he used in Unit 3. Because he didn’t have to wear the itchy, stiff, scrubs, he was able to sleep more comfortably in a pair of sweats and a t-shirt.

The first night there, he had actually slept through the Nurses changing shifts and checking on Gus for the morning routine. It was almost ten a.m. when Brian awoke.

 

****
 

Flashback

Brian awoke when he heard his son’s soft little cries. It was the first time Brian had heard Gus cry. It was really, barely a sound at all, but Brian had instinctively awoken to the whimpering. He could not help but cry a little himself. He tried to soothe the little boy by placing his hands inside the incubator and running them along the exposed warm red skin.

Crying meant that Gus’ lungs were even stronger than the respiratory specialist had expected at such an early juncture in Gus’ growth. It was a relief for Brian, but it also pained him to see his child cry and not be able to care for him right away. He now knew though, that this cry meant that Gus was hungry. He knew the times his son received food, and right on the dot, his little boy signaled his need for it.

Nurse Julie came into Gus’ room with a huge smile on her face. “Well would you listen to him,” she said softly. “He’s demanding his breakfast I think.”

Brian did not bother wiping the tears from his face when he saw the nurse come in. At first, he’d tried to hold back his emotions as much as possible in front of everyone there at the hospital. However, he soon learned that there was no need to do so. He had no control over his rapidly changing emotion. After spending a month inside the NICU with his son and his son’s caregivers, he didn’t care who saw him smile, laugh or dissolve in sobs. After all, he was sure they were use to seeing the baby’s parents show emotion. Nothing could prepare anyone for caring for their child in the NICU.

Julie walked over to Gus and lifted the incubator’s lid. Brian stepped back and watched as she went through the process of checking Gus’ vitals, explaining everything to him. Brian carefully listened, and took it all in as he always did. It was all in preparation for the day Gus’ care would depend entirely upon him. Julie then had Brian change Gus’ diaper, something Brian had done whenever he could.

As much as Brian wanted to hold Gus, lifting his son’s lower form off the bed to do the task frightened him. He knew though, that one day he would be comfortable doing it and it would not be a big deal. Gus would not always feel so breakable, or maybe he would, to Brian.

After the change and exam, the lid to the incubator closed once again, separating Brian from his child. He rested his hands inside to cradle the sleeping baby as much as he could with the plastic between them. However, things would be changing in just a few days. The nurses would finally show Brian how to pick up and then kangaroo carry Gus. He would hold his son in his arms and physically, next to his heart, for the first time.
 

End Flashback


Today, the day had come. An hour after Brian had helped to feed Gus, Cynthia had arrived. Today Brian would not be leaving the hospital. Cynthia wanted to be there when Brian held his son for the first time. “Today’s the big day,” she said excitedly as she entered into Gus’ room.

“Julie’s going to be back here in a few minutes with Anna. They are going to weigh and measure him and then I’m going to get to hold him!” Brian told Cynthia, not trying to contain his excitement.

Cynthia leaned down and kissed Brian’s cheek. She then went over and brushed her finger along Gus’ soft little cheek. “He really does look like he’s gotten bigger since the last time I saw him.”

Brian chuckled and rose from his chair. He stretched his muscles out. “You realize that was only two days ago.”

“Oh, I know it was. But, seeing him everyday since he was born spoiled me.”

Brian smiled and nodded his head. He could not imagine not seeing Gus for a whole day. He barely could stand the time he was not by his side when he left for a few hours. Brian did know that it was not healthy for him to see only the walls ICU, so he did venture outside once a day now that Gus was more stable.

“I think you are right about him getting bigger though.” Brian looked down at his son. “The color of his skin seems to be getting better every single day too.”

“He really is looking much healthier,” Cynthia agreed.

“Good afternoon, Brian and Cynthia,” Anna Rhine greeted, walking around the corner into Gus’ area.

Julie followed behind smiling. “Hello.”

“Hello Dr. Rhine,” Cynthia greeted. “Hi Julie.”

“Hey,” Brian said quickly. “Is it time for me to hold Gus?”

Anna smiled. “Just about.”

“We’re going to give him his check-up first,” Julie said. She walked over and lifted the lid of the incubator off Brian’s sleeping son.

“I heard our little guy was calling out even louder this morning,” Anna said happily.

Brian’s smile lit up the little room. “Yeah, his cry was so soft still, but much louder than any noise he’s made before. It was great to hear him.”

“Oh, I’m sure when you take Gus home you’ll be wishing it was quieter,” Cynthia laughed.

Brian laughed, but he was not entirely sure he ever would wish for the days that Gus were quiet. It would remind him too much of every single day in the NICU before the day he first made noise. His son had no way of communicating and Brian was more than happy to hear Gus finally call out to him. Gus crying was a sign of him getting healthier and strong. Brian knew the first second he heard the small whines that they belonged to his son. He would do everything he could to pay attention to what those sounds meant. He had read that Gus’ cries would become distinguishable regarding what he needed and Brian wanted to know and help Gus. He couldn’t wait for the day that he would know these things and be able to care for his son entirely.

Brian watched as Julie measured the still sleeping Gus.

“Fourteen and a half inches,” the nurse said before carefully picking up Gus and putting him on the padded scale.

Anna was marking down Gus’ progress in his chart when she saw the numbers on the scale. “Two pounds and one ounce!” she observed with a smile.

“Good job eating, sonny-boy!” Brian praised.

“Julie can you have Sherry make Gus his award?” Anna asked. She moved over to the scale, wrapped Gus in a blanket and brought Gus into her arms.

“I’ll be happy to get right on that,” Julie said and disappeared through the curtain.

“Award?” Brian asked.

“Yes, Gus gets a little celebration. We’ll give him a little certificate and present for reaching his goal,” Dr. Rhine explained. “So, Brian, get ready to hold your little boy!”

“Thank you,” Brian whispered, anxiously shuffling his feet.

“This is going to be amazing,” Cynthia said. She grabbed her camera.

“Now Brian if you could unbutton your shirt a little bit, you’ll be ready to hold him.” Anna slowly walked to Brian.

Cynthia aimed her camera, ready to record the momentous occasion.

“Now I’ll have you un-wrap his blanket a little after you have him on your chest and you can warm him with your hands. His heart rate will probably increase because of your touch but don’t let that worry you,” Anna assured Brian. She slowly passed Gus into his father’s arms.

“Holy shit!” is all Brian could get out of his mouth as he took Gus into his two hands. The baby felt so incredibly light and soft, that Brian almost felt like he would break him if he held him too tightly or closely.

Cynthia took picture after picture but Brian barely noticed the flashes.

He slowly sat down in the chair and stared at his son. His entire life and world up until then had come down to this single moment. Brian looked at his beautiful boy as if he is seeing him for the first time. He’d previously stared at Gus for countless hours before this day, but seeing him and holding him made it all seem so much different.

He pulled the baby closer to his chest and was about to tuck him into his shirt but stopped when Gus let out a tiny whimper. Then, the baby opened his eyes. They seemed to focus on Brian. Brian looked into Gus’ eyes and his heart stopped beating in his chest for just a moment. He had seen them before, but never this large and open. The color, without a doubt, were a deep hazel, a perfect match to his.

Anna moved the wires attached to Gus to accommodate the way Brian held him as the man adjusted the baby. “That’s it, just tuck him inside the opening of your shirt,” she encouraged.

Brian nodded his head, still smiling at Gus as he tucked the tiny child into his shirt, against the bare skin of his chest, near his heart. He moved the blanket away from Gus and covered him in the warmth of his touch. Just as Dr. Rhine predicted, Gus’ heart rate rose a little.

Anna and Cynthia watched Brian quietly for a few moments before looking at one another and silently agreeing that Brian needed some time alone while he held his baby for the first time.

They started to head out of the room when Brian looked up, startled to see them leaving. “How long can I hold him?” he asked.

Anna stopped and smiled softly. “I’ll be back in about two hours to help you with his next feeding, but you can hold him during that… so, until you get tired of holding him. If you need anything at all just hit the call button. Sherry should be checking in every now and then, but she won’t disturb you two unless you need her.”

“Okay,” Brian whispered, looking back down at his child. “Thanks.”

The women left the area and Brian sat in the chair and talked quietly to Gus who was happy and content to lye so close to his father’s heart.

Brian was sure that he would never get tired of holding his child.
 

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