No More Mio Amore

Chapter Twenty “Home Bittersweet Home”

 “Change is the essence of life. Be willing to surrender what you are for what you could become.”


****

 

Thursday, January 6th 2000

“Are you sure you don’t want me to stay the night? I don’t mind the couch,” Cynthia reminded Brian.

“Yes, you do,” Brian replied, smirking. “But you can go home. I’ll be…we’ll be all right. It’s not as though I’m bringing home a newborn that will be awake every two hours.”

Cynthia playfully smacked her friend’s shoulder and chided him, “Don’t say that or Gus might hear you and decide tonight’s the night he’ll be up all night.”

Brian shrugged. “I’ve prepared myself for that if that’s the case. I slept here last night and forced myself to sleep in today as you demanded,” he teased. “I’ve got a pot of coffee on, a six pack of frappaccinos and half of a tuna casserole in the fridge to keep me going.”

Cynthia frowned and looked around the loft. “Are you sure there’s not anything I can do for you before I leave?”

“I’m sure, Cynthia. I’ve got it all under control. Deb and I made the bottles, cleaned the microwave and changed the stupid diaper genie. Emmett and Michael brought over a bunch of DVD’s and Ted borrowed me some classical music he had that the books swear by. And he’s got his favorite stuffed pumpkin to keep him company in his crib, along with a million other toys.”

“I guess you’re as prepared as you can get,” Cynthia replied proudly. She kissed Brian’s cheek and was a little surprised when the man suddenly wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly, almost too tightly. “You okay?” she asked.

Brian kept his head tilted away from Cynthia’s, closing his eyes to seal in the tears that came into his eyes so rapidly, they scared him. “Fine,” he choked, his body shaking as much as his voice.

Cynthia rubbed her hands soothingly up and down Brian’s back as she gazed at the little boy sleeping peacefully a few feet away. “You’re going to do great, Dada,” she assured the man. “He’s home now.”

“That’s what I’m scared of,” Brian admitted, pulling away and walking toward Gus’ crib. “He’s healthy, strong and he has his whole life ahead of him. Now the rest of his life depends on me. If he gets sick, hurt or turns out totally fucked up, it’ll be my entire fault.”

Cynthia walked up beside Brian and tilted her head against his shoulder as her eyes took in Gus’ deep, even breaths. Watching the little boy was so comforting and familiar to her, she hated to leave him but she knew that Brian and Gus needed to become Father and Son in their own home, without any doctors, nurses or even best friends. “I think this is where Debbie would say, ‘Welcome to parenthood, kiddo’,” Cynthia spoke, trying to lighten the mood.

Brian’s laugh was short, only a small huff, but he smiled at Cynthia’s effort. “Get out of here before I get out my handcuffs and chain you here.” He didn’t look at her, he wasn’t sure he could handle actually watching her leave.

Cynthia kissed Brian’s cheek one last time, grabbed her purse, coat and with one last look toward Brian, she opened then closed the loft door. “Good luck, Brian,” she whispered.

Brian looked up and spoke, “Wish me luck, Lindsay.”

Gus stirred and his eyes opened.

“Shit,” Brian grumbled. He could tell that Gus looked scared as he moved his head back and forth looking around. “I just had to say I had it under control. You’re not supposed to be awake, Sonny boy, you just went to sleep a few minutes ago.”

Gus flipped his head toward his father’s voice and calmed the moment he saw him. He smiled at his Dada and cooed baby noises at him.

“All right,” Brian told the baby. “I’ll rock you to sleep,” he told his son, picking him up.

Gus closed his eyes for a second and then opened them, the way he always did when his father held him close after picking him up.

Brian patted Gus’ butt as he cradled him up against his shoulder, walking to the glider. “I guess you had an exciting day, so I’ll let you stay up a little later. Just this one, though. Okay?”

Gus loved when Brian spoke, his deep rumbling voice vibrated his body and it made him feel safe and comfortable.

Brian arranged Gus in his arms so he could look down at his son as he sat in the chair. “I hope you like it here. We won’t always live here, but I think it’s best we stay in this place while I get accustomed to having you all by myself. There aren’t going to be any nurses or doctors bothering you anymore.” He leaned down and kissed Gus’ cheek. “Just me,” he laughed. “So do me a favor and be good like this, forever. You weren’t born under the best circumstances, Gus. But I’m going to do everything I can to make sure you have the best life. I promise you that. I don’t break my promises, and I promised your Mommy that I’d take care of you. I don’t want to let either of you down.”
 

****
 

“You’ve promised Molly that you’ll be there tomorrow,” Craig spoke, trying to reel in his anger. “You promised her, Jen. She’s looking forward to you going.”

“I’ve been to a dozen of her plays, Craig. I’ve been to a dozen that you haven’t!”

“But this one is special to her. She’s gone out for the part of Cinderella since she was five and never got it until now. You can’t miss opening night, which by the way, I never have,” he reminded her.

“Justin is…”

“Justin is not your only child,” Craig roared but then took a deep breath to compose himself. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.”

Jennifer wiped her tears and turned away from her husband. “I am not going to leave him tomorrow night. They’re going to try to bring him out of the coma and I’m going to be there if he comes out. You should be there too.”

Craig threw up his hands in the air. “Why?” he demanded, walking in front of her. “Why should I be there? So that you have someone to yell at? So you have someone to blame when he doesn’t come out of it?”

Jennifer didn’t realize she’d slapped the man until she saw her hand was paused in mid air, stinging from the force of her palm meeting Craig’s cheek. “Craig…” she tried.

Craig backed away from his wife and hissed, “He’s my son too. I love him just as much as I love Molly. But we have to take care of her, too. We have to assure her that just because her brother can’t be there to support her that we are.”

“I’m sorry,” Jennifer whispered, seeing the mark she’d left on the man’s face.

Craig narrowed his eyes at the woman and shook his head. “If you were sorry, you’d agree to take two hours to watch Molly’s play tomorrow night. But I know that you won’t. I know that you’ll sit there in that hospital all day and all night, thinking of reasons to blame his accident on me.”

“I’ve never done that!” Jennifer replied, shocked.

“You told me that if I hadn’t been so cheap and let them get a limousine there never would’ve been a reason for them to be in that fucking parking garage!”

“When did I say that?” Jennifer gasped, having absolutely no recollection of the statement.

“The same day they said they were going to take him out of it the first time. I’m not surprised you don’t remember, you’d been up for days at that point. You wouldn’t allow Molly or me in his room. Do you remember that? You were sure that our sneezes, which were caused by the fucking pepper on the salad we had at lunch, were signs of the flu.”

“I had to be sure that Justin was safe!” Jennifer defended.

“What about Molly and me? Are we safe from you driving us away from you and Justin, Jen? Are we? Because you were with us when we ate that salad and you were with us for three more hours and neither one of us sneezed again, but you told the nurses that we had colds and they looked at me like I was a bad father for even trying to see my son while I was sick!”

“We have to be cautious,” Jen pleaded for the man to understand, “anything could hurt him.”

“You’re going to hurt him far worse than Chris Hobbes if you act like this when he wakes up,” Craig warned, walking up the stairs.

“Where are you going?” Jennifer asked.

“I’m going to sleep, it’s nine o’clock and I’ve got work in the morning.”

“Oh,” Jennifer huffed. “Well then I’m going back…”

“To the hospital, I know,” Craig finished for his wife as he dragged his tired body up the stairs.
 

****
 

Monday, February 14, 2000

Michael laughed as Brian uncovered the baby blanket draped over Gus. “I never would’ve thought you’d dress him like this.”

“You mean, like you?” Brian replied taking his son out of the stroller and placing Gus on his lap.

“What?” Michael asked, confused.

“Your mother gave this to him. Do you really think you weren’t dressed the same way as a baby?” Brian implored, giving his friend an evil grin. “Besides, Lindsay would’ve wanted me to celebrate the fucking holidays.”

“Well, if any of them are ‘Fucking Holidays’, then I suppose Valentine’s Day is one,” the black haired man joked.

Brian rolled his eyes. “I’m sure many a breeders will beg to differ with you,” he replied. “Tonight is a night for making love,” he spoke in a sickening voice.

“What’s that I hear?” Emmett asked, walking up to the booth. “Are you in love, Brian?”

Brian shook his head. “Have you gone mental, Honeycutt?”

“If anyone’s gone mental, it’s you, Brian,” Michael teased.

“Oh my!” Emmett said, clapping as he sat beside Michael. “That outfit is just too cute, Brian!”

“Case in point,” Michael snickered.

“Fuck off,” Brian said, fixing Gus’ red hat. “Gus looks gorgeous.”

Gus laughed at the silly looking, clapping man who was dressed with much Holiday Cheer as he was.

“He’s telling you to fuck off too, Mikey,” Brian said, pointing at his friend with Gus’ chubby fist.

“Aww, how cute,” Michael joked, “you can read your baby’s mind.”

“He sure is getting big,” Emmett said, changing the subject. He noticed the heated glare Brian sent Michael’s way and knew the time for teasing Brian about the love and care he showed his son had passed. Brian could only take so much.

“We just came from his check up and he’s doing perfect. His pediatrician said that Gus’ growth is more than what they could’ve hoped for. Usually preemies don’t meet the milestones of children their age until later on in life. But Gus is officially acting the part of a five and a half month child with the exception of his height and weight,” Brian proudly declared.

“But he’s so chubby,” Emmett said, surprised. “He looks like a normal baby.”

“He is a normal baby,” Debbie interrupted as she stepped up to her boy’s booth. She leaned in and kissed Gus’ cheek. “I overheard, Kiddo,” she directed at Brian, smiling. “That’s great news! And I see Gus is wearing the outfit his Grandma bought him.”

Michael snickered.

Debbie shot her son a glare. “Oh Michael, I wouldn’t laugh unless you’d like me to get out your baby albums on the next family dinner. For your first Valentine's Day I dressed you up like a cute little cherub.” She reached across the table and pinched Michael’s cheeks. “You were so cute.”

Brian and Emmett kept themselves from laughing, afraid of the cheek pinching.

“Where’s Teddy?” Debbie asked.

“He’s on a lunch date,” Emmett replied.

“With who?” Michael and Brian asked in unison.

“Some guy he knows from college,” Emmett explained. “He wouldn’t give me any details.”

“Well, be sure and tell me them as soon as you find them out,” Debbie demanded playfully.

“Will do,” Emmett, promised while laughing.

“So, what can I get you boys?” Debbie asked, retrieving her pen and order pad from the pocket of her apron.

Brian retrieved Gus’ diaper bag while Michael and Emmett ordered. He was getting damn good at doing everything one handed. He held up Gus’ bottle of milk. “Can you microwave this?” Brian asked the woman.

“Of course I can,” Debbie relied taking the bottle. “I see he’s moved onto the big boy bottles!” she said excitedly.

“He takes a full eight ounces every time,” Brian informed and pinched his child’s cheeks, much to Gus’ delight. “That’s where he’s gotten these from.”

“What do you want to eat, Brian?”

“The meatloaf special,” he replied, his stomach growling. “Gus had me up at four a.m. and only took a nap on the way to the hospital. I need all the strength I can get today.”

“Yes you do. If anyone knows what it’s like raising a little boy on their own, I do. And you’re doing one hell of a good job, Brian,” she praised walking away.

Brian turned away from his friends and put Gus into his stroller. Neither friend said a word about the flush that spread across Brian’s cheeks. They knew the man deserved the praise and did not want to say a word that would spoil it.
 

****
 

Sunday, May 14th 2000

“Where’s Mommy?” Molly asked her father, walking in from the backyard, fresh picked lilies in her hands.

Craig’s heart broke for his daughter. “Baby, she’s at the hospital with Justin.”

Molly’s happy smile changed in a second to a deep, frown. “But it’s Mother’s Day!”

“I know, but…”

“Don’t make excuses, Daddy!” Molly cried, throwing the flowers all over the kitchen floor. “I’m her child too!”

Craig walked toward his daughter and tried to hug her. “Molly, she’s just so scared for your brother.”

“Don’t!” Molly said, pushing her father away from her. “Justin doesn’t even care if she’s there with him! I care, Daddy! I care. I’m alive, Daddy! I’m not dead like Justin!”

“Molly!” Craig grabbed his squirming daughter in his arms and held her there. “Your brother is not dead! Don’t you ever say that again! I know you’re angry at your Mom, I am too, but it isn’t Justin’s fault.”

“I know,” Molly cried, wrapping her arms around her father and crying into his chest. “But she’s always gone, she doesn’t care about me. I need her and Justin doesn’t even know she’s there. I need her, Daddy. I do. I need Mommy.”

Craig’s tears fell into his daughter’s hair as he held her close, wishing that he could do something to help the hurt she was feeling, but knowing that the only way to help her would be if he could get his wife back and show her that there was more to live for than only their son.
 

****
 

“Give it to Mommy,” Brian prompted his son.

Gus put the sunflower to his mouth and tried to chew on the petal.

“No,” Cynthia laughed. “That’s yucky.”

“Uk!” Gus declared, screwing up his face and spitting bubbles as he tried to get the taste out of his mouth.

Brian pointed to the grass. “Right here, Gus. Put it here for Mommy.”

Gus unceremoniously threw the flower. “Uk! Mayee Uk!”

Brian gathered his son in his arms. “Mommy likes pretty flowers,” he told Gus. “They’re just yucky to eat.”

Cynthia handed Gus the other flower but the boy waved his hands. “No!”

“It’s okay,” Cynthia said, putting it in his lap. “Just don’t put it in your mouth. Smell it.”

Gus crinkled his nose and smelled the flower. “Mmmm.”

“Yes, it smells good,” Brian, told his son, crawling on the grass to Melanie’s grave. “Now give Melanie the flower too.”

“Men!” Gus yelled, throwing the flower again.

Brian and Cynthia cracked up laughing at the child’s antics.

“Oh Gus,” Brian said. “I definitely didn’t think that I’d be sitting here laughing.”

Cynthia squat down beside the two Kinneys. “Gus makes everything better,” she observed, giving Brian a hug.

“He definitely does,” Brian agreed, kissing his son’s forehead. “So do you, which is why Gus and I are taking you out for lunch,” he told her, standing up and walking toward the car.

“Why?” Cynthia asked, trying to keep up with Brian’s long strides.

“Because,” Brian replied, handing Gus off to her as she reached them. “You’ve acted like a mother to him since the day he was born, Cynthia.”

“Ma!” Gus giggled, tugging on Cynthia’s curly hair.

Cynthia stood still for a moment. “Brian!” she called, walking quickly behind him.

Brian opened the back door of the jeep, put Gus in his car seat and buckled him in. “What?” he asked nonchalantly.

“Brian,” Cynthia whispered as she climbed into the passenger seat. “Gus called me…”

“Ma!” Gus yelled, reaching for Cynthia.

“I know,” Brian replied as he got in and started the engine. “He’s been saying it for weeks, but you know how he babbles. Well Debbie got him that book where you put pictures of his family in it and he pointed to it and called you Ma.”

“But I’m not his mother,” Cynthia gasped. “He probably just thinks that I look like his mother and we always show him pictures of her.”

“No,” Brian explained, “you heard what he calls Lindsay. There’s a difference.”

“But Brian,” Cynthia said, “I never told him to call me that.”

“Well I think he got the idea from one of those baby shows he watches. God knows there aren’t any with two dads or two moms. But if you’re uncomfortable with it, I’ll try and make him stop.”

Cynthia thought about it but smiled as she thought of the boy who filled her heart with such love. She hadn’t felt empty since the day he was born. “No,” she said softly, “don’t do that, Brian. I… I’ll take the title as long as he wants to give it to me.”

“Good,” Brian replied. “I had a tough enough time as it was trying to get him to say Dada. I don’t think it’d be very easy to get him to stop.”

****

Friday, June 2nd 2000

“Thanks for coming back and visiting us,” Anna told Brian and Gus, waving goodbye.

“It was a joy to see Gus,” Sherry said, walking with Brian. “I’m going to get something to eat, would you two like to join me?”

“Actually, I have a question.”

“You want to know about that boy you used to read to, don’t you?”

Brian paused in his footsteps and nodded. To be honest, he had so much on his mind since he took Gus home, he hadn’t been spared a second to think of the kid. But walking back into the hospital that afternoon, he’d immediately thought of him. “Yeah, did he go home?”

“No,” Sherry spoke sadly. “He never regained consciousness but his body has healed. The doctors won’t be able to tell the seriousness of the head injury until he wakes up, and that all depends on him.”

“Would you mind taking Gus with you to the cafeteria for a few minutes? I’d like to go see him, if you don’t think his mother would mind.”

“I’m sure that’d be fine,” Sherry smiled, holding out her arms. “And I’d love to take Gus with me.”

“Thanks,” Brian replied, unsure of why he felt the need to check on the boy. He handed Gus to Sherry and gave her his diaper bag. “He has a bottle in there if you want to give it to him. He can hold it now himself.”

“Well you’re just a big boy, Gus!” Sherry praised, cuddling the happy baby.

Brian kissed his son’s cheek. “I’ll see you soon,” he told the child before walking back toward the elevators.

Brian never left Gus with anyone alone, with the exception of the one time that he’d come down with the flu and Cynthia had taken him for a few days. It had been the hardest few days of Brian’s life since he’d taken Gus home. But seeing the kid… Justin, that was his name. He smiled, happy he’d remembered. The prospect of checking up on the kid eased his worries about leaving Gus. That and the fact that Sherry was certified to care for him and they were in a hospital helped too.

“Mr. Kinney,” the nurse at the check in station waved at Brian as he approached.

“Vivian,” Brian said happily. “It’s nice to see you.”

“How’s your son?” Vivian asked.

“He’s doing wonderful. Actually, he’s downstairs in the cafeteria with Sherry. I wanted to visit…”

“Justin Taylor,” Vivian finished for him. “I remember you read to him a couple of times.”

“Yes,” Brian answered. “Sherry said he’s still here.”

“In the same room,” Vivian replied sadly.

“I don’t have time to read to him, but I’d like to see him. Is that okay?”

“That’s fine,” the nurse replied. “Just make sure you bring that little boy up to see me the next time you visit.”

“I will,” Brian promised and headed toward Justin’s room.
 

****
 

“I leave tomorrow morning,” Daphne told Justin. “So what does it matter if I get in trouble. I had to sneak in here and see you before I go.”

Brian watched from outside the open door as the largely pregnant girl placed the blond boy’s hand on her stomach.

“They wanted to make me leave before graduation, because it can be dangerous to fly while pregnant, but I wouldn’t do it. I wanted to wait as long as I could for you to wake up. If you woke up, I knew that’d you help me. I don’t want to have this baby alone, Justin. I don’t want to be forced to live in another country just because my parents are ashamed of me.”

Daphne’s cell phone started to ring and she quickly silenced it. “That was my parents, I have to go Justin. Ohmf!” The girl smiled through tears. “Did you feel that, Justin? That’s our baby, she knows you’re here, please wake up,” Daphne cried. “Wake up so that I can come back here and you can hold our baby. I have to go now, but I’ll be back here the day you wake up. I promise.” She leaned in and kissed the father of her child one last time before walking out the door.

Brian waited in the hall, the same way as he had months before for the girl to pass him. He walked back into Justin’s room and let out a relieved sigh to see that all the bruising had faded, he looked like a normal, beautiful young man. “Well,” he said, picking up the boy’s hand. “I guess that book I was reading you could’ve come in handy. So wake up, because you have to be a father to that kid. Do you hear me? That girl needs you, Justin. Believe me; you don’t want to miss out on your kid’s life.”

****

June 18th 2000

Brian wiped off Gus’ chubby face and laughed. “You really need to learn how to eat like a human being.”

“He is a human being,” Cynthia laughed. “Just a miniature one.”

“Can you get me the baby wipes?” Brian asked. The mashed banana seems to have made a permanent home in the folds of his fingers.”

Cynthia grabbed the box from near the changing table and handed them to Brian. “His hands are just so chubby. I wouldn’t doubt if that is from yesterday.”

“Oh, God!” Brian groaned.

“Oh no! Yuk!” Gus giggled. “Oh no, Dada!” he said, trying to wiggle his hand away from the cold wipe. “Brr!”

“Is it just me,” Brian said, “or did he just talk in a complete sentence?” he asked.

Cynthia attacked Gus’ other hand with a wipe and replied, “He talked in a full sentence.”

“He’s too young to do that,” Brian told her. “He’s not even a year old. Maybe I need to get him in a play group so he’ll act like a baby.”

Cynthia laughed at Brian’s logic. “I think he’s just smart. He’s excelled at all the tests, so why wouldn’t he be ahead in this too.”

“I think I should talk to his physical therapist about this.”

“Brian, it’s not a problem,” Cynthia told him. “It’s a good thing. Why don’t you see if he’ll do it again? It could’ve just been a fluke.”

Brian considered it and turned toward his child. “Gus,” he said, drawing the child’s attention. “Say, I love Dada!”

Gus smiled and smacked his hands on the tray of his highchair but said nothing.

“I love Dada!” Cynthia prompted the boy. “Say it, Gus.”

“Dada!” The boy yelled. “Dada!”

Brian laughed and took the tray off the table. “It was just a fluke.”

Cynthia nodded. “Let me take him,” she said. “We’ve got something to give you.”

Brian rolled his eyes and groaned, “Oh no!”

"It’s Father’s Day,” she said. “Gus and I picked it out when we went shopping the other day.” Cynthia took Gus with her into the living area and grabbed he large purse. She pulled a thin rectangular package out and handed it to Gus.

Brian sat down on the couch and reached for his son. “Come on, you can help me open it.”

Cynthia gave Brian the little boy, grabbed her camera out of her purse and sat down beside them. “Open it,” she prompted.

Gus slapped at the paper on the box and let out a squeal of delight as Brian tore the paper away.

“That’s funny,” Brian said in wonder. “Tearing paper is funny.”

“Apparently,” Cynthia laughed with him.

Brian opened the box and saw a beautiful striped blue and navy tie. He smiled at Cynthia. “Thank you,” he said, leaning in and kissing Cynthia’s cheek.

“You don’t think it’s too cliché?” she asked.

“Na,” Brian said, letting Gus hold it. “It’s great. Now I’ll just have to put on a suit and wear it.”

“Let me take a picture of you both,” Cynthia said. “Gus, say Happy Father’s Day.”

Gus giggled and looked up at his father. Brian looked down at his child and kissed his forehead, barely acknowledging the flash of the camera. Father’s Day was just as much about Gus as it was about him.
 

****
 

“Here’s your little girl,” Doctor Mitchell Banks said, handing the baby to her mother.

Daphne looked at her baby and then at the doctor. “Are you sure she’s all right?”

“She’s fine,” Mitchell assured the girl. “She’s very healthy.”

“But, she isn’t crying,” Daphne said. “Shouldn’t she be crying?”

Mitchell laughed. “Not all babies cry. Listen closely, she’s making sounds. She’s very healthy. You did well, Daphne.”

“I did?” Daphne asked, looking at her daughter and passing her thumb along the side of the baby’s cheek. The child opened her eyes and looked up at her mother. “Her eyes!” the new mother gasped.

“They’re stunning,” Dr. Banks agreed.

“They’re her father’s eyes,” Daphne whispered, holding the baby even closer to her chest as she began to cry. “They’re Justin’s eyes.”

“Is he here?” Dr. Banks asked. “I can get him for you.”

“No,” Daphne sniffled. “He isn’t…” she didn’t know what to say. “He’s in America,” she decided on.

Mitchell frowned, silently concluding that the father had abandoned them. “Do you have anyone here I can get for you?”

“My Grandmother,” Daphne told him, still crying. “But can you wait a few minutes? I’d like to be alone with my daughter for a while if that’s okay.”

“Of course it is,” Mitchell replied. “I’ll even tell your nurse to give you some time alone before she comes in with the papers.”

“Okay, thank you,” Daphne replied.

Mitchell gave the young mother one last look before leaving the room.

Daphne looked down at her baby and whispered, “It’s Father’s Day right now where your Daddy is. He’d be so happy if he could see you. I’ve been thinking hard about what I’m going to name you, but until I saw you, I didn’t know for sure. I’m going to name you Justice, Justice Mattie Taylor. Your Daddy’s name is Justin Mathew Taylor.” She kissed Justice’s cheek. “That kiss is from your Daddy. He loves you, even if he doesn’t know you exist, I know he does. I love you so much too and as soon as he wakes up, we’re going home to see him.”
 

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