No More Mio Amore

Chapter Nineteen “This Christmas”

The Grand essentials of happiness are: something to do, something to love, and something to hope for. -Allan K. Chalmers

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Saturday, December 25, 1999


“You keep looking at the clock,” Cynthia commented to Brian. “Do you have somewhere else you need to be?”

Brian looked away from the time and back down at his son. “It’s after nine,” he answered, “where would I need to go?”

“I don’t know,” Cynthia said, thinking about what Sherry had told her in confidence. “Do you want to take a break?”

Brian shook his head. “No, I feel like I haven’t held Gus all day.”

Cynthia laughed. “You barely let Debbie hold him and I don’t think I have. I miss my little guy.”

“There were so many people here today, I guess I just missed our quiet time together,” Brian admitted.

Cynthia stood up from her chair. “Well, then I’m going to head home.”

“Wait,” Brian spoke nervously, “could you stay?”

Cynthia smirked. “What for?”

Brian rolled his eyes at the woman. “You know what for. Stop fishing for information. I saw you and Sherry talking.”

“So, we always talk,” the woman, replied, taking her seat once again.

Brian snickered, “Please, I know that you know I read to that kid last night.”

“You want to go down there and read to him tonight, don’t you?” Cynthia asked.

Brian raised one eyebrow and frowned. “I don’t know why…” he trailed off, unsure of sharing his next thought.

“What?” Cynthia implored. “You don’t know why…what?”

Brian sighed in resignation. “I don’t know why I care about him. I thought about him a lot today. When we were eating Christmas dinner, opening up gifts, I just kept thinking about how he isn’t doing that.”

“You’re a good person, Brian, and I’m sure that with everything you and Gus have gone through, it isn’t hard to put yourself in his parents’ shoes. And, I’m sure it makes you feel good to be focusing on someone else other than you and Gus’ world.”

“So, do you want to stay with Gus?” Brian asked her, standing up.

“Of course,” Cynthia answered. “It’s my pleasure.” She took the baby from Brian and sat in his chair.

“I’ll only be gone for an hour or so,” he informed the woman and kissed her cheek and then his son’s forehead.

“Take your time,” Cynthia told him.

Brian started to walk toward the doors but Cynthia stopped him, calling out. “Don’t forget your book.”

Brian felt a little foolish as he walked back and grabbed the item from his bag.

Cynthia laughed. “Oh, I’m sure that book will come in handy for him.”

Brian shrugged. “Sherry said it doesn’t matter what I read to him as long as it’s not depressing. Maybe he’ll remember it in ten years from now.”
 

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“I’m back, Justin,” Brian spoke quietly, sitting down in the chair beside Justin’s bed. “Your nurse Sherry said that they’re going to try and bring you out of your coma tomorrow, so I thought I’d make one last visit. You look a lot better than yesterday.”

Justin’s face had lost the swelling, but the bruising turned from bluish-purple to yellowy-green. Once again, his fingers twitched as Brian grabbed his hand. “I suppose your family didn’t have any objections to me coming to see you last night.”

He took his hand away from Justin’s and picked up the book. “I couldn’t sleep last night so I read some of the book. So, you’ve missed some things. I doubt you give a shit, but just so you know this isn’t the stuff I normally like to read. Hell, I probably wouldn’t have looked twice at this book six months ago. Now I’m a dad. My son is in the NICU here but we’re going home next week.”

Brian suddenly felt guilty for telling the kid that, when he’d probably be stuck there for a long time. “I bet that when you wake up, you’re going to wish that you were home. The staff here is actually fucking great, but no one likes to be in a hospital, right? Yeah, I know I’m doing that thing again where I ask you questions as if you’re going to answer. So I’ll get to reading you a book that you have absolutely no interest in hearing.”

Brian opened his book to his page marker and began to read to Justin.

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Friday, December 31, 1999

“It’s nice to have lunch with you again, I mean, outside of the hospital,” Michael told Brian, taking a bite of his taco.

Brian nodded. “Well, today we’re celebrating.”

“You’re coming out for New Years Eve, Brian?” Michael asked hopefully.

“No, I’m celebrating the good news I received today,” Brian explained. “Gus is going to come home on the 6th.”

Mikey leaned up from the table and kissed Brian’s cheek. “That’s wonderful, Brian! Congratulations!”

Brian smiled widely. “He’s been doing really well; he’s gained a whole pound this week. Yesterday’s meeting with his team was the best one yet. Every doctor had something positive to say about Gus’ progress since the surgery. With the exception of a little case of lethargy from his medicine, he’s as normal as any other full-term newborn.”

“So, this is going to be a for sure thing?” Michael asked. “I mean… last time.”

“This isn’t like last time,” Brian interrupted. “As long as Gus continues to progress, which I believe he will, he’ll be home with me next week.”

“I wasn’t trying to be negative, I just don’t want you to get your hopes up. I don’t want to see you hurt if he isn’t able to come home.”

Brian gave his friend a gentle smile and replied, “I know, but, Mikey, I’ve been hurting this whole time. Nothing but having Gus home with me is going to stop that.”

Mikey grinned at his friend. “I’m really happy for you, Brian. When I saw Gus on Christmas, he really seemed like a happy baby. You’re turning into a great Dad, though it’s still hard to believe you have a son, no matter how long it’s been.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. Gus is going to be four months old when I take him home. In reality though, his due date was on Christmas so he’s just now the same age as most newborns.”

“So, do you think you’ll be ready for him at home? I mean, the loft isn’t exactly set up for a baby,” Michael commented, using a careful tone as not to upset Brian.

“Your Mom, Cynthia and I plan on going over to Lindsay and Melanie’s house on Sunday to get whatever it is they bought for him and to start packing up their house.” Brian was surprised at how easily he could speak about packing up their lives when he still couldn’t fully accept that his friends were gone.

Debbie had gone with Melanie’s parents to their home shortly after their death and collected whatever belongings they wanted to keep of Melanie’s. Debbie went over to dust once a week, but besides that, the home sat untouched. Brian had not wanted to think about what he was going to do with it. There was no way he could live in the home with his son, but he hadn’t wanted to think about selling it.

However, with the near-definite news that Gus would be leaving the hospital, Brian felt as though it was finally time to move on. After they rented a facility to store the items they’d take to give to Gus when he was older, Brian would donate the rest of their things to the Aids Hospice. Then, he’d decided that he would put the house on the market and put aside the sum of the sale for Gus’ college fund.

“Do you guys want some help with that? I’ve got off work Sunday?” Michael offered. “I’m sure that Emmett and Ted would like to help too.”

“Sure,” Brian replied. “If you want to get them together, we’ll be meeting at their house around one. I want to feed Gus his lunch bottle. This will be the first time that neither Cynthia nor I will be in the room with him for an extended period. Sherry, his nurse. doesn’t have work that day so she’s agreed to sit with Gus while we’re gone.”

“What about the stuff you’re going to take to the loft? Do you have a truck or something? I could borrow David’s pick-up. He never drives it, but I’m sure he wouldn’t mind.”

“I hadn’t thought about what I’d use to get all that stuff Mikey,” Brian said smiling. “Let me know what he says, otherwise I’ll have to go rent something. Are you about finished with your food? I thought we could go shopping.”

“What kind of shopping?” Mikey asked slowly.

“Don’t worry, not clothes shopping. I have to get a car seat, some bottles that the doctor wants to try Gus out on before he leaves the hospital. They want to make sure his sucking reflex is strong enough on a bigger nipple.”

Michael snickered, “Well let’s hope he got his sucking skills from you.”

Brian smirked. “Except I don’t use my skills on big nipples.”

“Come on,” Michael said laughing as he stood from the table. “Let’s go find you some.”
 

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“Oh hell no,” Michael whined. “You can’t spend six bucks on one bottle Brian. At the Big-Q they have a pack of four for that price.”

Brian waved the bottle at his friend. “This is the kind I’m supposed to get, Mikey. It’s specially designed to feel like breast.” He pressed on the nipple through the package and shuddered. “I can’t believe my life is going to be surrounded with these for the next year.”

Michael laughed at his friend. “I can’t wait to see you make a bottle for the first time.”

“Shut up,” Brian warned, throwing the bottle into the Target shopping cart.

He grabbed a large box from the shelf. “Hey, look this is the starter pack, maybe you should get this. It seems like a much better deal At least in this thing you get more than one bottle, a brush, and some storage containers.”

“Throw it in the cart,” Brian said. “I’m sure it’ll come in handy.” He grabbed the paper he’d written his list on from his pocket. “Now I need to find his formula.”

“And some burp rags,” Michael supplied. “You’re going to need them to protect your precious Armani once you start getting dressed again.”

“What?” Brian asked. “I get dressed every day!”

“Brian,” Michael said gently. “I can count the number of times I’ve seen you in something other than track pants and t-shirts on one hand since you’ve been practically living in the hospital. I can also assure you that right now, your t-shirt has at least three stains from where Gus has puked on you.”

Brian’s eyes went wide as he looked down to inspect his clothes. He felt his blood pressure rising from panic, and appalled he glared at Michael. “You’ve noticed this before?”

“Yes,” Michael spoke in a scared tone.

“You let me go out like this? How could you do that?” Brian groaned. “Those hospital lights are terrible and I didn’t ever notice this.”

“Calm down Brian,” Michael said through laughter. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

Brian huffed and started to push the cart toward the formula. “I will not turn into a Mr. Mom who dresses sloppy and loses all identity of self.”

“Of course not,” Michael encourage, following his friend. “You could never, anyway. You’re too hot for that.”

Brian whipped his head toward his friend and gave him a deathly glare. “You had better not let me get this way, ever again, Mikey. Do you hear me? I’m counting on you.”

Michael crossed his heart and nodded as he tried to control his giggling. “I promise. I will stop you from going Mr. Mom...”

“Good,” Brian said, stopping by the formula, he handed Michael his list. “Get the stuff on this list,” he told the man, walking away from him.

“Where are you going?” Michael called.

“I’m going to go buy a clean t-shirt and put it on. Buy some fucking burping cloths too. I’ll be back in a few minutes, Asshole.”

Michael waited until Brian was far out of sight, and then broke into laughter once again.
 

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Brian walked toward Justin’s room, his footsteps much lighter than any other time he’d gone toward the room. He put his hand on the half-open door and almost pushed it open to enter the room, but paused when he saw a girl standing beside Justin’s bed.
 

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Daphne kissed Justin’s fingertips. “Happy New Year, Justin,” she whispered. “I’m sorry I haven’t come by to see you but my mom and dad are being assholes about what happened. They think I’m spending the night with my cousin, but she drove me here to see you. Remember what we talked about doing tonight? God, I wish we could be dancing right now. But I’m just glad I got the chance to see you. I wish I could talk to you about what’s going on because I can’t tell anyone else.”

Daphne leaned over Justin, put her mouth to his ear, and whispered. “You’re my best friend and I’ve always told you everything. I wanted to wait until you woke up, so you can help me, but I can’t keep it a secret any longer. You’re going to be a Daddy, Justin. So you have to wake up. I need your help. I can’t do it by myself and I know my parents are going to kill me when they find out I’m having your baby. So please, please wake up soon. I need you and our baby is going to need you too.”
 

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Brian backed away from the door when he saw the girl bend down and start to whisper. He felt shitty overhearing what he had from her conversation and he definitely didn’t want to invade her privacy further.

He waited down the hall for the girl to leave. When she did, he walked back down the hall and entered Justin’s room. "I guess they didn't bring you out of the coma," he spoke sadly. "I wonder what went wrong?" Brian took Justin’s hand in his and looked at the clock on the wall. “Happy New Year, Justin. Welcome to the new millennium.”
 

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Sunday, January 2nd 2000

Brian reluctantly tied the green and yellow striped ruffly thing called a bumper around the crib. “Lindsay, the only reason I’m using this is because you bought it for him,” he mumbled.

Emmett laughed and patted Brian’s shoulder as he stood above him. “It’s gorgeous, honey. Gus is going to love it.”

“Yeah right,” Brian mumbled. “If it were up to me, he’d have all that black, white and red stuff that stimulates his mind like the baby books suggest.”

Emmett knelt beside Brian and began to tie one of the strips of fabric around the crib rail. “You don’t want him to be stimulated while he’s trying to sleep. He needs something comforting, calm and cozy.”

Brian shook his head at his friend’s logic. “Whatever. I’m going to have to get him a couple more bedding sets anyway. Debbie said that I might have to change them every night.”

“Well you’re going to have to pay your cleaning lady double. I’ll bet you’ll be piled up to your ears in laundry and Pampers.”

Brian stood up and pushed Emmett onto his ass.

“Hey!” Emmett protested. “That’s the thanks I get for helping,” he groaned standing and wiping his ass off, as if Brian’s wooden floor wasn’t spic-and-span.

Brian laughed. “No, that’s the thanks you get for making me more petrified than I already am.”
 

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“You’re not in the mood to eat, are you?” Brian took the bottle out of Gus’ mouth and the baby cooed while he smiled at him. “Did you miss me today?”

Gus’ eyes blinked open and then closed tightly and opened again.

“Is that some sort of baby way to say yes?” Brian asked.

Gus cooed and waved his arm around, searching for his father’s hand.

Brian noticed how much less jerky Gus’ movements were and it made him smile. “Look at you,” he said, grasping his son’s hand in his own. “You’re going to be throwing a baseball in no time.”

Gus kicked his feet, landing a good stomp onto Brian’s stomach.

“Okay, okay,” Brian told the boy, maneuvering him into the crook of his arm. “You can kick a soccer ball first.”

Gus smacked his lips and whimpered, wondering what happened to his food.

Brian put the bottle back into the little boy’s mouth and was relieved to see him sucking on the nipple aggressively. “Good boy,” he said. “I was getting worried you didn’t like the new bottle. But I think you just wanted to talk to me, huh?”

Gus closed his eyes and continued to suckle at the milk.

Brian kissed his son’s soft cheek. “I missed you too. Soon, we’re going to go home. I got you a room all ready. I think you’ll like it, probably more once I change your sheets, but Mommy bought you some silly frilly stuff, so if you don’t like it, it’s not my fault.”

Brian began to rock and hummed softly to his son, content to hold his son and happy to have him healthy and safe in his arms.
 

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