All The World's A Stage

Chapter One “The Stage is Set”
 

December 7, 2007

"Daddy! Daddy!" Gus rushed out of his school, bundled up in an old winter coat Debbie had that was once Michael’s. One of Gus’ little red mitten covered hands grasped and shook a small stack of papers. He jumped down from the second to last concrete step of the school and into his father's waiting arms.

Brian smiled and laughed at his son. He gave him a warm hug and a quick peck on the cheek. “Hey, buddy, did you have a good day at your lessons?" Brian took Gus' warm gloved hand in his cold bare one and started to walk toward the parking lot where he had parked their car.

"It was the best day ever, Daddy!" Gus' hazel eyes twinkled in the afternoon sunlight, showing his father how excited he was.

Brian's identical eyes glistened right back at him. “Why was this day better than yesterday, Gus-Gus?" Brian asked lightheartedly. Gus seemed to have the best school days of any child Brian had ever known. Every day since he started first grade three months ago, Gus would tell him that each new day was the best day ever.

"Oh, Dad," Gus stopped walking and offered his father the papers in his hand. “This is why.”

"Do you mind if we get in the car first before I look at them? It is freezing out here. The sun may be shining but I was outside waiting for you for a long time and it was windy," Brian told his son, taking the papers from Gus.

"Sure, Daddy," Gus said, taking off the Spiderman backpack his Uncle Mikey had given him.

Brian was in awe of his son and wondered how his child could be so happy and carefree. He vowed to himself that he would make sure that was how the boy always would be. “I love you, Gus,” he said, receiving a smile from his child in return. He then took the boy's hand once again and started walking toward their old station wagon. As they walked, Brian listened to Gus humming the tune from Batman.

Things had changed so much since Gus was a baby. He thought back to when Gus had said his first word. Brian could clearly remember when the pudgy auburn haired baby crawled over to him with his empty juice cup and said the word Daddy as clear as day. He didn’t say Dada or Dad, but Daddy. From then on, his smart little seven month old started talking and his vocabulary grew almost too fast for Brian’s liking. In many ways, Brian wanted his son to stay a baby as long as possible, but Gus had other ideas.

Gus’ grasp of English floored his pediatrician. The progress continued and at less than one, Gus could talk in almost full sentences. The doctor recommended that Brian start him in some early development classes taught at the New York City Early Education building. He told Brian that there, Gus’ brain would be stimulated and they’d be able to see in what other avenues of growth Gus would excel.

Brian could not afford the classes because he only worked as the building super to the small apartment complex he and Gus lived in. The small amount of extra wages he earned once his rent and utilities fees were paid was very little. No matter how many hand me downs Debbie had given him or the countless thrift store bins he sifted through, Gus grew out of his clothes sometimes before Brian could find time to wash them after the first time he wore them. This made Gus’ clothing expenses high on the priority list and had Brian not nursed Gus, it would’ve been even harder for them to live off of what he earned.

However, Brian had not let the opportunity for his gifted son to receive a great education pass him by. Therefore, he did something he had once vowed that he would never do. He called his ex-lover, Daniel. Daniel was the man who had made him believe in love, the man he trusted, the man who had lied to, betrayed and eventually abandoned Brian the day he told him he was pregnant.

January 2002

"Hello, can I speak to Daniel Montgomery please?" Brian asked the secretary who picked up the phone. He was sure the old woman still recognized his voice.

"Who is calling?" she replied with an arrogant tone to her voice.

"This is Brian Kinney," he spoke, managing to keep his voice strong and even.

"Just a moment. I will have to see if he’s available to take your call,” the woman replied and put him on hold for five agonizing minutes.

While cheesy elevator music distantly played into the earpiece, Brian rehearsed what he was going to say to the man he only thought of as the sperm donor of his child.

"Hello, Brian. I wasn’t expecting your call,” the man's gruff voice cut into his thoughts. It was obvious from his tone that Daniel was more than shocked to hear from Brian. “It is quite odd to hear from you,” he spoke.

Brian couldn’t believe how arrogant the man was. Daniel spoke as though he never imagined he would hear from the man with whom he had an affair and created a child. At one time, it would’ve hurt him, but Brian had become much stronger than Daniel had ever wanted him to be. "Daniel, I need to speak with you about something important." Brian spoke strongly, or at least he hoped he did.

"About what, Brian? I have not seen or spoken to you in months," the man snipped. Really, it had been much longer than that and the quiver in his words told Brian that he knew that too.

Brian took a deep breath before courageously replying, “I need some things for Gus and I would not have called you if it was not really important that he have them."

"Gus?" Daniel asked. “Who is this Gus?"

Brian had thought Daniel couldn’t hurt him but he felt a tiny piece of his heart rip out of his chest. All the pain and lies came crashing back into his mind and the deception tore away at his courage.
 

***
 

Brian had never known about Daniel's wife, Mary. Daniel had been leading a double life with Brian. He had been using the young man from the first day they met at the cafe where Brian worked one of his many jobs while attending the ABC. Daniel had lavished Brian with gifts and sentiments. He took Brian to movies and to professional soccer games that Brian could only dream of ever getting tickets to. He also took Brian's innocence and trust and crushed it, all with one sentence. Get rid of it.

Brian could not bring himself to do such a thing to the baby inside of him so he finally packed his belongings, quit the ABC and stayed at his best friend's mother’s home. Debbie had always cared for Brian and she was eager to show him support and love. Soon after he moved in with Debbie, her brother Vic hired Brian to be the super of an apartment complex he’d recently remodeled.
 

***
 

Brian pulled the receiver away from his ear and stared at it in disbelief. He could hear Daniel asking the question once again but could not answer him. Tears flowed down his cheeks and he slammed the phone down into it's cradle.

He looked around the small studio apartment he lived in and his pain warped all that his eyes saw. It felt like the walls were closing in on him and he had to get out. He had already swallowed his pride once that day and did not have much left. He figured he'd risk it and do it again because nothing else could make him hurt so badly. He could not just let the opportunity for his child to have a great education crumble.

Debbie was watching Gus that afternoon so Brian rushed out of his home and down the ten flights of stairs. He got to the last step in the lobby, gave himself a moment to catch his breath, and then ran out of the building. He kept running down the streets of New York until he found himself in front of the Early Education Building. He got himself under control; the run had taken a lot of the pain away, and as soon as he caught his breath once again, he walked into the building.

Brian made his way to the large welcome desk and smiled at the young blonde woman who sat behind it. “Hi,” he greeted.

"Hi," she responded back to him, smiling.

Brian cleared his throat before speaking, "I was wondering if there is any kind of scholarship I could apply for? It would be for some classes my doctor recommended. He said he would fax copies of the recommendation if you need them."

The woman gave Brian a confused expression. “I don't mean to be rude but this is the early Education Building. The oldest students we deal with here are ten. I think you want the Adolescent and Young Adult Center."

Brian laughed inside and smiled at her. “Actually it's for my little boy, Gus.”

The woman stood up and smiled shyly. “Oh my! I am so sorry. How old are you?" she asked laughing at herself.

Brian was beginning to feel better because the woman actually thought he looked like a teenager. He knew he was good looking, but he did not think he looked that young. It was nice to know that the rough pregnancy and fatherhood had not aged him too much. “Actually, I'm almost twenty-four, but I thank you for making me feel so young."

“Twenty-four isn’t old.” She shook her head. The woman smiled and held out her hand. “I'm Lindsay Peterson, and you definitely don't look a day over..." she thought for a moment, eyeing him up and down, “twenty.”

Brian ran his hand through his shaggy brown locks of hair. “It's a curse,” he joked.

"So, Mr..." the blonde started.

"Kinney, Brian Kinney," he introduced himself, realizing he should have when the woman had done the same.

Lindsay smiled. “So, Mr. Kinney, you wanted to apply for a scholarship for your child? How old is he?"

"He turns one next Tuesday," Brian said with pride.

"Oh, I’m sure he’s adorable if he looks anything like you,” Lindsay told him.

“He does,” Brian blushed. “And…I’m gay.”

“Oh, well with a baby, I figured. I’m gay as well, but I can appreciate a beautiful man,” she told him.

“I don’t think I’ve had my ego stroked like this in a long time,” he whispered.

“I am going to find you some papers to fill out. It is a questionnaire about your financial status. Someone local will sponsor every one of the children who receive aid, but you will not know the name of who it is that is sponsoring them because of confidentiality issues. However, they will know your child's name and check on his progress if they choose to."

"That sounds fine," Brian said, surprised and excited that the process would be so easy.

Lindsay gave him the paperwork to fill out and a few minutes later, he handed it back completed. “Thank you so much, Lindsay. You have been a huge help."

"No problem, Brian. I'll put a rush on these and see if they can get you and Gus in the program as soon as possible." Lindsay looked at her watch and then back at Brian. Sensing that the young man was in need of a friend, she asked, “Brian, I was going to take my lunch break now. Would you like to come have lunch with me?"

Brian had to think of whether he could spare the extra couple bucks.

Lindsay saw Brian pat his pockets and noticed the concerned look on his face, guessing that he was probably counting how much money he could spare. "I made my own lunch today but I always make two sandwiches, in case I get really hungry. It's turkey on whole wheat, and I'll even share my sunchips with you."

Brian checked his watch and then gave the blonde a shy smile. “Thank you; I'd like that, Lindsay."


From that day forward, Lindsay and her partner Melanie had been a part of Gus and Brian's lives. Gus was accepted into the gifted learning classes and Brian received financial support to not only send Gus to the classes at the Learning Center, but as well to New York's Academy for Gifted Youth when he was old enough to attend.

December 7, 2007

Brian buckled his son into his booster car seat in the back and turned on the car to heat it up. He had to make sure to get the engine warmed up for a few minutes when it was cold or the battery would die on him. He’d made that mistake a few days before and had nearly caused an accident on his way to pick Gus up from school.

"Read the papers, Daddy," Gus prompted.

"Ok, Gus-Gus." Brian picked up the small packet and began to flip through them.

The first three papers was an itinerary of some sort. On the last page was a permission slip to attend the fieldtrip described in the itinerary. There was also a space for any volunteer parents willing to be a chaperone on the trip to the ballet.

"So you want to go to the ballet, Gus?" Brian asked.

"Oh yes, Daddy! Grandma Deb took Jenny and Hart last year and Jenny was only three, Dad. Now I am six! Aunt Lindsay already told Hart that she could go when she came to pick her up for her dentist appointment this afternoon. Oh Daddy, can I please go? And I want you to come too," Gus squealed.

Jenny was the daughter Brian's best friend Michael shared with Lindsay and her partner Melanie. Three years before, they took in Hart from foster care. The little girl and Gus were inseparable. They had most of their classes together at school and Hart was a regular sleepover guest at their apartment.

When Deb had won three tickets to the New York Ballet last year, she took her granddaughter and Hart, much to Gus' dismay. Brian assumed Debbie thought that Brian would not want Gus to go. However, Brian would never deny his son anything if he could give it to him, no matter what.

It turned out that Gus loved to dance, and he even convinced Brian to sign him up for some dance classes at his school that year. Gus did not have to deal with prejudices regarding him taking ballet. Most students at the academy took some sort of dance class as part of the curriculum.

Gus had been getting ready for his school’s winter recital all month long. They were performing “The Nutcracker Suite”. Gus' age group all played little toys. Gus constantly talked about how much fun it was for him. Brian could not have been more proud of his son. It seemed that being danseur definitely ran in his child’s blood.

Brian read that the school was scheduling a trip to see the same ballet performance at the ABC next Saturday. The children's recital performed next week, the night before Christmas Eve. Tickets for the field trip were forty-five dollars for each child. However, the school would provide the chaperone tickets, so he wouldn’t have to worry about getting that money together.

During the holidays, Brian's budget was tighter than it normally was, but he knew how much his baby boy wanted to go to the ballet. He figured that he would just have to stretch his budget a little more. He reasoned that he could shut the heat off in his apartment and bundle up in blankets while Gus was at school during the day. That would surely save some money and he thought that he could probably only take a shower every other day, that would save money too. This Christmas present, unlike getting him a toy he wanted, he would be able to share with his son if he went along.

“Gus would you really like me to go with you to the ballet?" Brian asked.

"Oh, yes Daddy, please, please!" Gus shouted from the back seat.
 

***
 

December 15, 2007

Brian held Hart's hand in one of his and Gus' hand in the other. He tried to get his nerves under control as he entered the large auditorium for the first time in seven years.


 

Chapter Two: “A Lone Spotlight Shone”
 

I want to never again feel lonely in a crowd, I want to never again fall to pieces and never again do I want to hear heartbreak’s sound.

 

December 15, 2007

Justin sat at his vanity in his dressing room putting on the last of his stage make-up. Putting on make-up is a routine he is sure he could accomplish even in his sleep. He often wondered if anyone saw what was under the thick white concealer and dark pink blush. Each time he put it on, it seemed to cover all scars, visible and not.

The sparkling crown he wore as part of his prince costume sat heavily upon his longish blond locks. He didn’t need it for the first scene, but he always had to make sure that it sat properly before the play began. Once, Madam Reitz bitched him out for his tights turning on his leg the wrong way and leaving the seam to travel down his knee. She complained that his entire leg seemed disproportioned for the entire scene. Justin had to make sure that the crown fit perfectly and didn’t need any adjustments since he wore it yesterday.

Everything in his life had to be perfect. He performed every move perfectly, he sighed autographs for his fans with a perfect smile and obeyed the people who ran his life, perfectly.

Justin knew that he was the perfect dancer and could have a long career as the Principal Danseur for the ABC; what they consider a long career for a danseur. If he remained perfect, he could have everything that Mrs. Montgomery wanted for him. However, he had secrets that made him far from perfect. On a daily basis for the last fifteen years, he wondered if the only reason he danced was because he wasn’t good at anything else. Except, he’d never been allowed to try anything else to know if he indeed was a failure at any other job or hobby. His entire life revolved around the American Ballet Company and he was sure that it always would.

Justin imagined, as he had many times before, what it would be like if he did not show when they called for him to come out of his dressing room. Tonight, the escape he imagined involved him sneaking out of his dressing room and hiding up in the balcony to watch the show go on without him. He knew that Madam Rietz would run around like a chicken with its head cut off, trying in vain to find him. Geoffrey, his understudy, would be waiting in the wings hoping he would not show up. He’d be more than happy to have his time in the spotlight. Justin would watch as Geoffrey would be rushed to costume and then to the stage where he would seamlessly take his place. Justin would for once, be able to watch and enjoy the ballet he had loved since he was a child.

Justin came out of his musings, knowing that tonight of all nights was not the time to do something irrational. His best friend Daphne was bringing her class full of the youngest ballerinas and danseurs to see the show. He smiled fondly thinking of the small children Daphne was so fortunate to work with every day. He thought about the children he sponsored the last three to five years. Justin had met all of the kids he sponsored over the years except one, Gus Kinney.

The other child he currently sponsored was a little girl named Hart Blue. Justin met her after the little girl had moved in with her foster parents Melanie and Lindsay Marcus-Peterson. Justin and Lindsay had grown close due to Justin’s interaction with the foundation she worked for, and he immediately decided he wanted to sponsor her smart little three year old.

Because he, Mel, and Lindsay were friends, Justin would often visit Hart. In fact, he spent most of his free time playing with her or taking her places in New York she would not otherwise be able to go to because Lindsay and Melanie were on such a tight budget. Hart was bright, kind and a little shy which made her even more endearing to him. Justin secretly wished to adopt her but he knew that was not possible because of the crazy schedule he kept with practices, rehearsals and performances as a Principal danseur.

Even if he wasn’t a danseur there was no way Justin could afford to raise Hart by himself. He still did not have access to the fortune his parents left him as per the agreement in their will. He could however use the money for a charity, so it eased his mind a little knowing he could provide Hart with a great education and life experiences. Justin hated that so much money was sitting in a bank unused when someone else could benefit from it. The terms in the will were strict and barely allowed him enough spending money to cover his clothing and food allowance each year. He longed for the day that he would have access to the fortune and have the means to choose what direction his life took.

Coming out of his musings, Justin glanced at the old picture taped to his mirror. He gently touched each of the faces upon it and whispered, “I love you. I miss you.” He then felt his emotions change and he whispered the words he regretted every time he said them, but was unable to hold them inside of him. “Why did you fucking have to die? I hate you for dying! You left me here. Why does everyone I love have to leave me?” He said this for what had to be the millionth time. As expected, a few tears fell down his cheeks. He quickly wiped them away and scolded himself for nearly ruining his makeup.

Flashback

At six years-old, Justin woke up in a cold hospital room alone, pinned to the bed with restraints. He started to scream and cry and finally a nurse came rushing into his room. “Oh darling, you’re awake. Thank goodness, we’ve all been so worried.”

Justin continued to cry and move about as the older woman released his straps. “I’m so sorry, honey. We didn’t want you moving around and hurting yourself.”

“Momma!” Justin cried.

The woman took him in her arms and held him to her chest. “Sweetheart, shh… you need to calm down.”

“Where’s my mommy and daddy. Where’s Molly?” Justin whimpered. Images of the car accident started to flash behind his innocent blue eyes.

“I’m sorry, Justin,” the woman told him. “But your family was hurt in the car accident.”

“Are they okay?” Justin whimpered, snuggling his body into the woman’s arms.

“No, sweetheart. They had to go to heaven,” the nurse’s voice shook. She knew that if the psychiatrist came to tell Justin the old man would not be so kind. He was far too clinical and cold to be a child psychologist in her opinion.

“No!” Justin shouted and tried to wiggle out of the nurse’s hold. “I want my Daddy and Mommy. They didn’t go to heaven!” Justin said. He remembered when his dog, Rex, got hit by a car and died, his mother had told him that he went to heaven and that Justin wasn’t going to see him again. Justin wanted to see his Mommy, Daddy and sister. “They didn’t go there!”

“I’m so sorry, Justin,” the woman said, squeezing the crying boy in her arms. “They’re angels now and they’re going to watch over you.”

“No!” Justin cried, his little body heaving with sobs.

The nurse rocked the small boy until once again Justin fell into a deep sleep.

The days passed as Justin sat in his hospital bed recuperating. Neither his mother nor father had any living relatives so Justin was constantly worried about where he would go and what would happen to him.

The nice nurse came in on the third day and told Justin that he would be living with his father’s friend. Justin was so sad and lonely, he could not wait for his father’s friend to come and get him. The nurse told him that he and his wife would be his new family.

The doctors deemed Justin fit to leave on the fifth day after the accident but the boy’s new guardians had not visited him. On the seventh day, his father’s best friend and his wife finally came to collect him from the hospital. He never remembered ever meeting the pair before, though; he did remember his daddy speaking fondly of them about the time they were in college together.

Justin’s heart was broken and he only hoped that they would love him. He promised to God that he would do whatever they asked as long as they would love him and not leave him as his parent’s had done. He enthusiastically greeted them, “Hi.”

The man looked at him coldly. “Come on now. We’ll take you home.”

Justin looked at his new family with a worried expression. They did not seem like very nice people, but he hoped to God that he was wrong.

December 15, 2007

Now, the blond was sure that God never heard his hopes and prayers. He was also sure that his parents and little sister weren’t guardian angels as the nurse had told him. He knew that if he could actually talk to God, he would probably tell him what a piece of shit he thought he actually was. The innocent people taken from his life had left him completely alone. He was sure that if God had planned that, then God probably hated him and never listened to a word of the prayers he made as a child.

Justin remembered what the first days in his new home were like. They could be summed up as scary and cold. He also always had headaches from the large cut that ran from the top of his blond eyebrow to the hairline of his forehead. He was told that he needed to be on bed rest and was sequestered away there, in his new scary room for a long, long time.

He rarely saw his guardians for more than a few minutes each day. Once Justin’s wound healed, his guardians decided it was time to decide where Justin would attend boarding school.

After being nearly alone for almost two months, left to amuse himself, Justin was happy to be going away. He did not care for the people his father had always bragged about. They were cold and distant and they did not seem to like one another, much less him.

The wife, who was supposed to care for him, but did anything but, decided that she would use her and Justin’s mother’s connections in New York’s American Ballet Company. She secured Justin a spot in the Young ABC’s Academy. She saw the boy’s slim but molded body as the perfect fit for ballet, and so she sent the boy to live and train there at the ABC from the time he was six until he was seventeen. It was then that Justin filled the position of Principal Danseur.

Now at twenty-three, Justin had been the star of most of the ABC’s ballets. He was the strongest and most agile dancer, male or female, that they had ever had. But, this was not what Justin wanted to do for the rest of his life. He wanted what Daphne had; a job teaching children the beauty and fun of dance. He also wanted to create his own choreography and maybe one day have a family.

The family part of his dream was nagging at his thoughts constantly. It was most prevalently in his thoughts because Lindsay and Melanie encouraged his dream of one day adopting Hart. Sadly, Justin knew it was not practical in his near future. Then again, even his reality seemed like a constant nightmare, so really, there was no room for his dreams, but Justin found he had them anyway. He could not stop them.

He dreamed of setting up his own private company and taking on young students and molding them into perfect dancers. Except that Justin knew, he would do it with love and discipline. He would make sure the kids he taught knew that they would be allowed to mess up without feeling worthless afterwards.

Justin’s dream to have a family ate at his consciousness every single day. He wanted a husband that would love him and he even dreamed of having a child of his own. Both of these things seemed nearly impossible if he was under the employ of the ABC. No man seemed to want to date a danseur unless they were out to use him for his fame. It would also be very risky to have an intimate relationship. Becoming pregnant was like death to a dancer’s body. He was sure that he had never known of a woman or a man returning to perform in any of ABC’s ballets once they had become pregnant; none that the ABC ever knew about anyway.

“Taylor, curtain in five,” he heard called, as a knock at his door startled him out of his daydreams.

“Coming!” Justin took off the crown, gave himself one last look in his mirror and steeled himself against anything but the performance he was about to give.

Brian’s P.O.V.

We take our seats in the front row. It has been nearly seven years since I last danced in this theatre. Yet the sights and smells make me feel like it was just yesterday. I look at my son; he is sitting beside me smiling a smile that isn’t the same as my own. It’s brighter and wider and it takes my breath away, as it always has. Hart is on the other side of me smiling brightly herself. She reminds me of Gus in so many ways, but I think it is because of all the time the two spend together. I mean, they even tell their friends at school that they are brother and sister.

If I had the money and means to care for her properly, I would try to adopt her. But I am barely able to care for Gus and myself. I know Mel and Lindsay are hoping someone will soon. They want her to be in a stable home, where she does not have to worry about ever leaving. They know that if the state chooses to do so, they can move Hart to another foster home in a matter of minutes. They have discussed a friend of theirs, a man named Justin who wants to adopt her but is not able to. He is a danseur, in this play in fact, which makes Gus envy Hart because Hart is Justin’s special friend.

I wonder what character Justin plays? I kept forgetting to ask Melanie and Lindsay.

I look around at the crowd; it looks like the ballet sold out. That is really no surprise. The ABC was always great at selling tickets. Everyone is dressed in his or her Christmas best. For Gus and I, that consists of our best pairs of black slacks. Gus’ are the ones he wears with his school uniform. The ones I’m wearing are a bit tight, as I don’t think I’ve worn them since before Gus was born, but I didn’t have anything else appropriate.

We each are wearing the Christmas sweaters Debbie knitted for us last year. Mine is a dark green while Gus’ is a dark red with an appliqué reindeer in the center. Hart is wearing a pair of green and red striped tights and a dark green skirt. Her sweater matches the one my son is wearing. Even though Lindsay bought her a Christmas dress Hart insisted on matching Gus today. The entire ride on the bus, they delighted in telling the other schoolmates that they were twins. I must admit they look adorable and the connection they have is so sweet to watch.

All of the other children, their chaperones and teachers in the group are in fancy suits and dresses. Gus has never complained about not having all the things the other kids have. I am glad that the sponsorship money provides for his uniform. He is such a good boy and I am going to make this Christmas extra special, even if I cannot give him what I know he asked Santa Claus for. I will do my best to make sure he has a wonderful Christmas. I never enjoyed or celebrated Christmas until I had Gus.

The stage always seems bigger from the audience. When I was up there, I had so much confidence that I felt like I owned the whole expanse, it was all mine. The white spotlight followed me! It always seemed to, as did everyone’s eyes.

The curtain starts to rise and music begins to play.

Everyone claps in anticipation of the performance I know all too well.

For a brief second I wonder if it would be me still wearing the prince’s crown at the end of the play. Would I still be the rising star, the Principal Danseur of the ABC? I might be, if I had decided to give away my baby boy.

Gus is clapping beside me with his soft little hands. My heart melts. It lurches. No, there was never the possibility of not keeping my little ray of light. He turns and smiles at me with his hazel eyes glowing. Those are the spotlights I have needed the past six years.

I smile back at him with tears in my eyes. One day soon, I will have to tell him about my dancing days. But for now I will just sit back and watch the show. Watch what I gave up to be his Daddy.

And I know, as the curtain rises, that this may all seem like a lot to have given up, but it isn’t. It is nothing; it is meaningless, compared to the beautiful baby boy sitting beside me. The light in his eyes could never compare with the one above us, searching the darkened stage. My son’s light outshines everything.

Beside him, Hart’s beautiful expression and sparkling gaze make me think that perhaps Gus’ light is not the only one that shines so brightly. I really do love her as if she was my own. I know I do because sometimes I cannot discern the difference of love that I have for Gus from the love that I feel for her. Sometimes this disturbs me and I pray that she never has to leave our lives and live with another family. I am not sure Gus or I would be able to handle it.

We watch the performance, even though we are in the front row, most of the action takes place deep in the back of the stage. It’s hard for me to see, I think maybe I should have taken my glasses, but they broke last week and are now taped together in the center. I did not have the money to spare to get them fixed; the days of wearing expensive contacts are long gone. There was no way I could have worn those old things here. I would have looked like an idiot.

Time moves so quickly and I find myself lost in the beloved story, and at times I close my eyes and just listen to the music. The ballet is nearing its end and the dancers have all drawn closer downstage. I look out onto the stage where the large bright spotlight stops upon a shadowy figure. The crown sparkles and the crowd roars as the light illuminates the man who playing the prince. My heart catches for the second time tonight.

As I stare at the prince, seeing him more clearly, I begin to have a weird feeling coming over my body. The dreams I have had in the past start to flitter around and my ears start to ring.

I know that Hart has turned toward us and is whispering something to Gus and me but I cannot understand her. My mind is going wild. I have never felt like this.

A small, but muscular blond boy begins to dance to the suite playing. The prince is a thing of pure beauty and I cannot tear my eyes from him. His lithe, yet strong form is displayed so prominently in the costume. The blue tights accentuate his perfectly molded, muscular legs. Another flash in my brain and I feel my heart quicken and my body temperature heats up as my eyes follow his movements. He is the most graceful and powerful danseur I have ever seen.

I find myself wanting to dance with him. I want to feel his body against mine. I have not had these feelings within me for so long. God I want him. I feel like I have had him. What the fuck is wrong with me?

His eyes meet mine while he is spinning away from the prima ballerina and my hazel eyes lock onto his sparkling blues. He looks surprised and then suddenly he gives me a worried look of recognition. I feel myself smiling at him. His mouth opens in a gasp and he suddenly trips and falls into a group of the ballerinas. The line of them falls like dominoes until the ones closest to the edge of the stage fall off, having nowhere else to go but toward us.

Then, everything goes black.

 

Chapter Three: “You Know the Sun is in Your Eyes”
 

The fates are vicious and they're cruel, you learn too late, you used two wishes like a fool. And then you're someone you are not. -  Stephen Trask

December 16, 2007

“I will have another nurse come in to stitch you up as soon as you have someone else to sit with your son while we do that,” the nurse who attended to Gus spoke.

“That’s fine,” Brian said through clenched teeth and gave the woman a nervous smile. “Thank you.”

The nurse closed the hospital room’s door behind her. Brian instantly buried his face in his hands and gave into the pain he’d been holding off. He sobbed quietly as every moment from his night with Justin Taylor, the prince, came back to him. All the time he had lost of that night became a downpour of pain into his mind and body.

Flashback: The early hours of September 2, 2000

Brian looked at the young boy beside him in his bed. For the first time in his life, Brian felt loved and cherished. He had not been fucked, no, that was what he and Daniel did together. This night had been nothing like Brian had ever experienced or even knew could be experienced.

He had once thought what he had with Daniel had been love, and maybe at some point, it had been. However, what he and the blond had just done, that was making love. They’d connected in ways that Brian thought were surely fictional.

Brian’s cell phone rang, and instantly he knew who it was calling him. The only person with his cell phone number besides Madame Rietz was Daniel Montgomery.

“Fuck,” he swore a little too loudly. He saw the boy in his bed stir from the noise of the phone and from his words and quickly flipped the cell open. He put it to his ear, hopped out of the bed and ran naked to his bathroom.

“Hello?” Brian said with a childlike voice. Lately, he had been very nervous around his boyfriend.

“Did I wake you, doll?” Daniel said in a sexual slur.

Brian felt his stomach turn at the pet name Daniel used for him. It made him feel like he was a toy, but Daniel assured him that he was not using it to mean anything of the sort. He told Brian that if he wanted a “boy toy” then he would not be spending the amount of money that he did on Brian. Daniel constantly bought Brian flowers, electronics and helped pay for new tights, shoes and other dancing gear. The young man felt confused by Daniel’s assessment and did not know how to respond or think about the name after that because to him it still meant that he was a toy.

“Yes you did wake me,” Brian lied. “It’s three in the morning.” Brian tried to keep his voice quiet so the boy sleeping in his bed would not wake up.

“Well I got back from my trip early and I wanted to see how my doll’s recital went,” Daniel said mockingly.

Brian cringed. Daniel had made it clear to him when he left before his big performance that he could care less about Brian’s dancing. The things he bought Brian were obviously only to keep him compliant and reliant upon him. “What do you want, Daniel? I had a long day and...”

“Brian, what the fuck is your problem?” the older man interrupted. “I thought you would want to know the second I got back into town. I was going to invite you over to our apartment but if you are too tired, I can just come over there,” Daniel told him angrily, making Brian sound like he was just a big inconvenience to him.

“No!” Brian shouted.
 

***
 

Justin awoke and made his way to the bathroom door where he could hear Brian’s voice. He was about to knock when he heard Brian shout. He paused and listened to the older boy’s voice.

“You don’t have to do that, Danny,” Brian said. “I am glad you called. I have missed you too.”

Justin felt his heart shatter as he listened to the one-sided conversation. He had not meant to eavesdrop, but he had been worried when he awoke alone in his lover’s bed. He became more worried when he heard the panic and distress in the brunet’s mumbled words. He did not know what to think. For a minute, he wondered whom Brian would possibly be talking to at three in the morning, but it quickly became clear as to who it was.

“I will come over there. Just let me take a shower and grab a cab,” Justin heard the other boy speak. The pieces of his heart dropped into his stomach and he suddenly felt sickened by what had happened.

Justin had danced with Brian Kinney two or three times that year. Occasionally, the older students would grace the young ABC’s studio with their presence and critique as well as teach the younger students. Justin thought back to what made him want Brian Kinney more than he’d ever wanted anything in his life.

Brian had walked into the studio accompanied by about ten other danseurs and ballerinas dressed in black tights and white tops. Justin paused mid jump and missed a step, causing him to tumble right down in front of Brian.

When he looked up, sparkling hazel eyes met his own. A small smirk was firmly in place as Brian reached out a hand to help Justin up from the floor. Justin smiled and used the soft secure hand to help lift him to his feet. He mumbled, “Thank you.”

Brian smiled at him before he walked back to the group he came in with.

Later that day in another class, Justin was against the mirrors, perfecting his turn out when he felt the older boy come up behind him. “You need to hold it better,” the older boy’s husky voice spoke into his ear.

Justin looked at the man behind him in the mirror and closely watched their reflections. They looked beautiful together. Justin didn’t think much of his looks but there was something enchanting about him and Brian together. Brian got closer to him, pressing his long body up behind him, and Justin was sure he would die just then from the surging heat that scorched inside of him.

He only got hotter when Brian placed his hands on his hips, his fingertips brushing the tiny sliver of exposed skin where Justin’s shirt bunched up from his stretching. Brian gently guided their hips out together; naturally grounding him as his hips turned to what he thought was an impossible angle to achieve so much fluidly.

“That’s it, you just have to relax and your hips will naturally turn out on their own. See?” Brian smiled at him in the mirror as he spoke, but Justin really had no idea what Brian was saying.

Justin lost all coherent thought when he’d become acutely aware of Brian’s hard cup pressing into his backside and his skin started to tingle when he felt the breath from Brian’s words on his neck. He looked in the mirror and watched as their bodies moved up and down as they bent and dipped together repeatedly.

At some point Brian had moved his arm further down on Justin’s waist and his long fingertips grazed the cup Justin was thankful was there confining his erection. Then Brian’s touch was suddenly gone. He moved away from him and went on to help another student.

Justin was sure that was what was happening now. Brian probably had some older more experienced boyfriend, probably another student. He had done what he needed to do with Justin and was going to be leaving him, alone, as everyone else in Justin’s life had done before.

Justin shook the memories away and steeled his mind back into the present; he was not going to give Brian Kinney the chance to kick him out. He was never one to linger where he was not wanted. He tiptoed back into the bedroom and got dressed as quickly as he could.

He was not sure, but Justin thought he heard crying in the bathroom right before he closed Brian’s door behind him. He wanted to stop and see what was wrong with Brian, but he convinced himself that he heard wrong when he listened closely and only heard silence. He doubted that Brian Kinney had anything to cry about. Justin had been the one that had been fucked over. Taking a deep breath, he closed the door of Brian’s room behind him, determined to leave the memory of their night behind the both of them.

There was one thing Justin was sure of, he did not need anyone else in his life that used him.

 

Chapter Four “And You’re Shining Like the Brightest Star”

You're Spinning like a 45, ballerina, dancing to your rock and roll. –Trask

 

December 15, 2007
Justin’s P.O.V.

I can barely hear her from all the loud noises that are going on around me as I crack open my eyes. A female E.M.T. smiles down at me. How in the fuck did I wind up in an ambulance? “He’s awake, Jimmy,” the woman says.

“I see that, Terry.“ A male E.M.T. sitting on my left speaks as he leans over me. “How do you feel?”

“My head hurts,” I tell him, grabbing it in my hands.

“We’ll give you some Advil,” Jimmy tells me before turning to open a cabinet beside him.

“All of your vitals are normal,” Terry says. “On a scale of ten what level would you say your pain is?”

“Um….a four,” I say. “But what happened?”

“You don’t remember?” Terry asks me.

“No, I don’t,” I say worriedly. “I don’t remember anything since breakfast or… or maybe,” I pause because slowly the rest of the day is flashing in my mind.

“You had a fall, kid, and you passed out,” Jimmy says to me, handing me two Advil pills and a miniature bottle of water.

“We are taking you to General and if a doctor sees fit they’ll order a ct scan to see if you have a concussion,” Terry tells me softly.

I sit up, swallow the pills and a good helping of water as more of today rights itself in my head. I remember going on stage, I remember the entire performance…almost. “What kind of fall was it?” I ask, hoping they’ll clarify it for me.

“I don’t know the details, sweetie,” Terry says regretfully.

“We just know that while you were performing you fell. There was so much chaos that we didn’t get the exact details,” Jimmy explains.

A fall? Oh my God! This is so embarrassing. Justin Taylor does not fall! The last time I missed a step, well I cannot remember the last time. Oh shit!

I recall seeing a few of the ballerinas flying into the crowd. As my memory starts to come back, I recall that we all were falling toward… Well… right where two sets of hazel eyes had been watching me. One pair of the eyes belongs to the boy I tried to forget and have failed to do so over the years. There is one day each year that I am unable to forget him and now that I’ve seen him again, seen him as a man, it’s going to be even harder not to think about him.

The other pair of hazel eyes belonged to the little boy I realize is Gus. Gus Kinney. How I never put the names together before is unbelievable. This entire time I have been sponsoring Brian Kinney’s child! Oh god, I hope Gus was not hurt.

Shit, what about Hart? She was there too!

I feel panic start to sweep over me. “Was there anyone else badly hurt?” I ask the E.M.T.’s.

“I am sorry to say that there was,” Terry answers me.

“Who?” I ask quickly. My heart pounds in my chest as I wait for them to answer and I hear it projected on the beeping of the heart monitor I’m attached to.

“I think some of the other performers were complaining about strains but like I said, it was really chaotic,” Jimmy says. “Relax, kid.”

“It was just the cast that was hurt?” I ask them. I don’t want anyone hurt but if it was the cast then that means it was only adults and none of the school children were injured.

“I did notice there was a young man and his child getting into an ambulance as we got you in,” Terry tells me. “They were sitting in the front row, right where you landed.”

“What happened to them?” I shout. “Are they all right? Did you notice how they were doing?” I demand an answer.

Terry looks at me with a sad expression. “The young father had a cut on the back of his head and passed out while in the theatre.”

“And the little boy?”

I remember everything now! I’ll never forgive myself if I hurt that little boy! I saw the little boy’s father staring at me and then chills started crawling over my skin. I started to stumble and fall away from Prudence, the Prima Ballerina. The other ballerinas started to fall one by one into the crowd and I could no longer control my movements. Everything went black.

“I don’t think the child was injured too badly,” Terry tells me and pats my arm. “I’m sure you can check on him once we make sure you are okay.”

“Was there a little blonde girl hurt?” I ask about Hart, though I’m sure there were many other blonde little girls in the theatre.

“We didn’t see everyone, but I’m pretty sure that the little boy was the only child injured,” Jimmy tells me.

“Oh, thank god!”

“We’re almost to the hospital,” Jimmy remarks glancing out the big back window and I see us pulling into the ambulance bay.
 

***
 

Once the doctor checked me over and declared that I did not have a concussion I immediately started on my mission to find Brian and Gus. Yes, Brian too. No matter how much I wish I didn’t, I still feel the need to make sure Brian is all right too. I know that my need to make sure he is okay is not only because my clumsy act hurt him. But I can’t get past those feelings, even now after all this time. Even though, he is a man who very likely does not remember me.

I wonder if he does remember me and if he may freak out when he learns it has been me sponsoring his child? Fuck, this whole situation is insane! I still to this day cannot figure out why I had agreed so easily to sponsor Gus. The first time I saw his paper and the words his father wrote about him, it touched me and I couldn’t say no to the request for funding.

I never knew that the Gus I was sponsoring all these years was also the same Gus whom Hart always talked about. Lindsay only told me that Hart’s friend Gus was the same child I sponsored when she found out that Hart and Gus were both attending my play. Lindsay probably wasn’t supposed to tell me, but seeing that she is now the supervisor and not just a clerk at the facility, I don’t think there can be any consequences for her troubles. I also realize now that Brian must be Lindsay’s friend that she always spoke very carefully obtuse about. I wonder if she spoke the same about me to Brian.

I stop at the Emergency Room’s desk and ask the man behind it, “Can you tell me where Brian and Gus Kinney are?”

Brian’s P.O.V.

Gus looks just the way he did when he was a sleeping baby. The doctor determined that he did not have a concussion so they weren’t worried about him falling asleep, but are keeping us overnight to observe Gus. His pouty lips which do not resemble mine, are parted and drool has started to seep out of the corners of his mouth. I clear it away with my thumb and wipe it on my now dirty dress slacks.

Gus was a very brave boy while the doctors gave him the four stitches. He only cried when they had to wash the small wound on the back of his head. He kept telling me that he would be okay. That’s just like Gus, comforting me because he knew I was so scared for him.

Before we left the auditorium, I made sure that Hart was safe with Ms. Chanders. When Hart started to cry, terrified from seeing the blood on the back of Gus' head, he kissed her cheek and told her he would be fine. She immediately stopped crying and went along with her teacher even though she wanted to stay with us.

I am not sure where Gus got his gentle comforting from. It was not from Daniel, and I am not usually that way with anyone but him. Besides his hair, eyes and skin tone, most of Gus’ looks are not my own. I have no idea what Daniel looked like as a child but I guess that even though it seems impossible, he must’ve looked a lot like Gus.

Gus’ small frame looks extremely tiny and fragile in the huge hospital bed. I always tell him he can be anything he wants to be, but I do not think he will ever be able to play football with his small stature. Thankfully, he does not really have interest in that sport.

He loves dancing though. I would say he got it from me, but the way he dances is much different from the way I ever danced. For a six year-old he is really intense and strong in his movements. He loses himself in the music more than I have ever, it’s beautiful to see him like that.

I take his hand in my own and think about the other intense danseur I used to know. The blond prince we watched tonight on stage. The danseur who got so caught up in staring at me that he fell and caused “Phantom of the Opera” scale pandemonium throughout the theatre. There was something so soft, safe and familiar about him.

My head is pounding and I need some stitches and some meds but the doctors refused to give me any pain relievers until I got checked out and was given the stitches. A nurse is supposed to come back in a little while for that if I definitely need them. I wouldn’t let them anywhere near my head while they were fixing up Gus because I didn’t want Gus to be scared if I did have to get them.

They gave Gus a sedative and assured me that when he wakes up he will have a small headache but should otherwise be fine to go home and resume normal activities. But I cannot leave my baby all alone to be treated and I want to be sure that he is sound asleep and won’t be waking up in the middle of me being treated. Most of the doctors and nurses are too busy to sit with him while they do that in another room. This is due to the mass of fairies and ballerinas who are flying around the hospital hallways complaining of strains. I smile at that image, because it is funny, though I do hope none of them is seriously injured.

I hear someone knock on the room’s door and I quietly tell whoever it is to enter. The door opens and there is the prince, still in his blue tights. “Hi, Mr. Kinney,” he says, nervously walking into the room. “How…how is your son?”

I’m sure he feels horrible about the accident and I know that is exactly what it was. “Gus is going to be okay. Come see for yourself,” I tell him and motion for him to come closer to the bed.

The closer he gets to me goose bumps rise under my skin. His ballet slippers are silent on the tile floor and he seems to float towards me. A small smile graces his lips as his blue eyes look into my eyes.

Once again, I feel déjà vu connect us. My body starts to shake a little and I feel light headed as weird images that don’t make sense to me come to the forefront of my thoughts.

“Are you okay?” he asks me. The tips of his fingers reach out and lightly touch the bandages on my head.

I take a deep breath and let it out slowly. What the fuck is wrong with me? Shit, the injury to my head is worse than I thought. It’s causing me to hallucinate. Take a deep breath and get yourself under control, I repeat to myself looking away from him. As soon as I divert my attention away from his worried blue eyes the images stop. “I’ll need a few stitches too but I’m sure Ill be okay,” I say in a rushed tone.

“I’m glad,” he says softly. “I am so sor…”

“It was nice of you to come check on us.” I do not mean to sound dismissive with my tone but that’s how my words come out.

He takes my words hard though. I see his eyes get dark and his blond head bows as he turns to leave. “Sure, I’m just glad you’re okay,” he whispers dejectedly.

Fuck! What is the matter with me? I am going crazy. I really should be pissed at him and not want him anywhere near my child or me because he did cause my boy to be hurt. I shouldn’t care how sad he looks. But I do know that it was an accident and I should never have been so rude to him. I am sure the kid already feels like shit.

Madame Reitz has probably already laid into him about how much his fall probably cost everyone in the cast. I know from experience the way she over-reacts to any surprising situation. He probably feels like he let everyone down, and for some reason I do not want him to feel that way, especially where it concerns Gus and me. “Hey,” I say, right before he reaches for the handle on the door.

He spins around gracefully and images of him spinning into my arms dance through my mind. I shake away the feelings these weird images have raised within me. “I didn’t mean to be so harsh. I…I guess I’m just a little more shaken up than I thought. What about you? Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. It seems that I am the only one who fell that was not seriously hurt from my stupid fumble that ruined the play. It should be me lying in a hospital bed right now, not your son.”

His tone is disturbingly regretful, it sounds like he actually feels like he should be punished physically for his mistake. I reply, “Well I am happy you weren’t too hurt. You owe Gus.” I point to my sleeping boy. “He’ll want a repeat performance. Well, maybe not exactly a repeat, but he’ll definitely want to see the end.”

He laughs a little and grins at me, his smile astounding me for a moment which leads to more sparks igniting between us. His pouty lips turn into a very bright smile. It seems to light up the whole hospital room as well as penetrate to my insides. For a moment, I think I have seen this smile, no, felt this smile before, but have not. I could not have. If I had, I would have remembered it. Yet, it seems as if I do know it.

“I don’t know if I'll be doing that ballet anymore,” he says sadly. “I’ve been put on suspension from the ABC.”

I notice that there is sadness in his blue eyes, but I also see what looks like a spark of relief. I suppose at some point I could have related to that. Holding the position of Principal Danseur at the ABC is probably one of the hardest and most intense jobs to deal with. “That’s a shame,” I tell him, not really knowing what else to say.

“Yeah, I hate that I disappointed all those kids who came to see the ballet. Daphne Chanders, the students’ teacher is a friend of mine. By the way, do you know if Hart is okay? Was she hurt? I tried calling Daphne but her phone was busy.”

“Hart was just fine and so were all the other kids. I sent her with Daphne when Gus and I were getting into the ambulance.”

“Thank God. I hate that they had to go through this. I am sure the ABC will give them free tickets to another showing. I just will not be in it. But I doubt they’ll notice.”

“I would and so would Hart and Gus. You’ll just have to give me a private performance.” The words were out before I had even thought them through.

He blushes and his eyes are back to twinkling. I feel such a sense of happiness knowing that I made them sparkle like that. “I already have given you one, you just don’t remember it, I guess.”

I watch as he slowly sits down in the chair against the wall. His voice was only a whisper and I am not sure if my mind is playing tricks on me again. Chills flow through my body again. “What do you mean by that?” I ask quietly and move from Gus’ side to the chair beside the blond. I am sure I would remember this blond if I had ever seen him give me any performance at all, especially a private one.

“My full name is Justin Taylor,” he speaks quietly, holding my gaze as his eyes start to water. “You are Brian Kinney, the same Brian Kinney who lived in dorm room sixteen at the ABC, right?” His voice is now filled with annoyance that I do not understand and it sounds like the question is completely rhetorical.

He’s telling me things I cannot comprehend how he knows. I did not know him while at the ABC, did I? Nevertheless, he must know me. “Yes,” is the only word I can manage for a reply.

3rd Person P.O.V.

“Yes,” Justin speaks. “I know.”

“How do you know what dorm I had while I was there? You had to have been in different dorms at the same time I was there.” Brian’s voice shakes as he tries to search his memory of a time he’d met Justin.

“You’re right, I wasn’t. I was only fifteen when you and I met the first time. I was still living at the Young ABC Dorms. You really do not remember me, do you?”

Brian’s mind was reeling. He could not deny the connection he felt to the blond, the familiarity that ached between them. But, had he really met him before? “No, no. I don’t think so,” Brian whispered shaking his head.

Justin laughed dryly. “That’s okay, unless I danced my ass off in front of them the previous night, no one usually remembers me. I’m used to it by now.” The blond sighed loudly, frustrated with the situation he managed to get himself into, a situation he thought had been resolved, never to come to a head again. Nevertheless, here he was.

“I think I would remember if you and I had met, Justin,” Brian’s tone was almost pleading as he looked into the blue eyes.

“Well, I remember you. I remember everything about that night. I remember when you fell asleep on my chest. You were a lot skinnier then.” Justin smiled. “You just, you still had a boy’s body then. Now you have a man’s body.” Justin blushed and corrected his words before Brian got angry. There was nothing worse than telling a dancer they were fat.

Justin had never been sure what had happened to Brian Kinney. But he could never bring himself to try and find him. Not after what happened, he had thought it was pointless. He still didn’t understand why he chose to go and see Brian and Gus.

Everything seemed to come together to this point now. The same little boy he cared about for the last five years was sleeping in the hospital bed beside him. Even if it seemed Gus’ father had forgiven him, Justin was still very angry with himself for his clumsiness. It was just that the last thing he had expected to see was Brian Kinney sitting beside Gus in the front row, looking so extremely beautiful.

Brian was racking his mind, trying to remember a time when he might have met the blond danseur. All through his six-year paid employment with the ABC, he had been with Daniel and there was only one night that he was not sure of, but Daniel had filled in those pieces, or so Brian thought, until now. Was that one night the night Justin had spoken of. He was not sure.

More images flashed through Brian’s mind, but he was not sure if they were there because Justin had made him think them. Or if they were the dreams he had repeatedly, coupled with Justin’s words. Or were they truth? He did not know what to believe.

“Mr. Kinney?” A nurse popped her head into Gus’ room. “I was wondering if now that you have a guest, maybe he could stay here with your son while we clean up your wound and see if it needs stitches.”

Brian turned and looked at Justin. They would have to finish their conversation later. Maybe he would be able to think better if he was not in the same room with the blond.

“Would you mind sitting here with Gus? I do not want to leave him in here alone, and I do not want him to possibly wake up to his daddy getting stitches put in his head,” Brian explained. “He’s really protective over me. He would probably cry if he saw I was hurt.”

Justin smiled and once again the lowly lit room was bright. “That’s because you’re his daddy and he loves you,” Justin said with envy. “I’ll keep an eye on him, Brian. Go get cleaned up.”

Brian smiled and began to wonder if Justin was the man, or rather, the boy he had had erotic dreams about for the past six years? He certainly resembled his mystery boy. If what Justin said was true, then when exactly did it happen and why did Justin never make an attempt to talk to him after it did happen?

Brian allowed the nurse to push him from the room in a wheelchair, though he knew he could stand on his own. He had to admit that he was feeling a little dizzy from the blow to his head, the conversation’s unanswered questions, as well as from the sight of Justin Taylor smiling.

After Brian left the room, Justin went over to Gus’ bed and sat down next to the small boy. For a long time he just stared at the beauty and strength the little boy seemed to encompass. He wished so badly that he could have a child. His child. He felt tears fall down his face and quickly wiped them away.

Justin put the boy’s left hand in his own. “You’re so lucky to have a Daddy that loves you so much. If you were my…” he stopped talking when he noticed that Gus had a small crescent moon shaped birthmark on the bottom of his palm. He looked at his hand for confirmation, and saw the same thing. A chill passed through him, but before he could think about the implications, a knock sounded on the door to the room.

“Come in,” Justin said in a gruff voice.

A man pushed a hospital rolling cart into the room. “Hi, I’m Nurse Hector,” the man spoke while smiling. “The nurse who checked your head told us that you are willing to give blood. She told me your records show that you have type O negative, and because that’s a universal donor we would be very thankful if you would donate.”

Justin smiled and nodded his head. “Yes, I’ve donated blood many times because of that.” Justin loved helping others. It distracted him from his boring shitty life.

“Did you know that your son has the same blood type?” The nurse started to arrange the needed supplies on the cart.

Justin, stunned by the man’s words, quickly stood up from the bed. “Do you mean Gus?”

Just then, Brian came back into the room, looking curiously between Justin and the nurse. “What is going on?” he asked, noticing Justin’s worried expression.

“Gus is fine, Brian. Hector… wanted…he wanted me to donate some blood to the hospital. I told them I would earlier but I forgot,” Justin told him.

Relief flooded Brian’s face but then more worry appeared when the images of a younger Justin standing outside the performance hall smoking a cigarette entered his brain. What the fuck was that? he thought.

“Your husband here has the same blood type as your son, Mr. Kinney. They are both type O negative and their blood is very rare,” the nurse explained, hoping still, that Justin would donate. Whenever he got someone to donate O negative he got an extra fifteen minutes of break time.

Brian’s heart caught in his throat. It seemed to be beating against his windpipe and he could not manage to speak a word of the thousands that he wanted to. He just blindly stared at Justin as memories started to surface in his brain.

Gus had been healthy when he was born but he was also small, and given the dates Brian was sure Daniel had gotten him pregnant on, they assumed Gus was three weeks early. His rough labor and delivery were further evidence to that.

Now, however, Brian was remembering Justin. He remembered that Justin had been standing outside smoking against the building after the yearly Autumn Recital. The performance took place every year the night of September 1st. Forty weeks later, at what would have been his pregnancy’s full term, May 26th, he gave birth to his son.

Oh, god! Brian thought. His body began to tremble as more images, that he was now positive were memories, filled his brain.

The sight of Justin standing under the marquee's lights, his blond hair shining, making the young body seem to glow.

The feel of Justin’s extremely tight hole surrounding his penis.

The vision of Justin’s blue eyes full of unshed tears.

The sound of Justin giggling.

The sight of Justin smiling at him as they drank bottle after bottle of wine in his room.

The feel of Justin’s penis entering his body.

The sound of his own moan and voice calling out for more from the blond.

The feel of Justin’s arms holding him tightly.

The sound of the blond boy’s heart beating against his ear.

"Can you please leave us alone?" Brian asked the nurses as the memories cemented into his mind and left him with a clearer head.

The nurse looked worried. “Is everything all right, Mr. Kinney?”

Justin saw the look of confusion and fear and then recognition on Brian’s face. “I'll try and donate blood later. If there isn’t anything else please go," Justin said sternly.

“Are you sure, Mr. Taylor?” the nurse tried again.

Justin took a deep breath and looked at Brian in the eyes. “Mr. Kinney and I need some time alone with our son."
 

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